Machinery of Death
By Mike | May 9, 2008
Scientists have released more photos of the colossal squid I mentioned last week, and it’s not good. Hook-lined tentacles, sharp beak, ovaries capable of holding thousands of eggs… this thing was made to kill, eat, and breed, period. I’d sooner swim with a shark.
The ocean will kill us all.
Topics: Science & Space | No Comments »
I Love My New Camera
By Mike | May 6, 2008
Sai Master
Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
I’ve not played with it a lot yet, but I’m already in love with my new Canon EOS Rebel XSi. It’s pictures are light years ahead of what my old PowerShot G2 could accomplish (not unexpected), and it amazes me how much faster it is in everything from starting up to focusing to rapid shooting (not to mention continuous shooting).
Yesterday the Midget decided he wanted to use a karate frame for his Show & Share (same as what we used to call Show & Tell), so what better way to populate it than take a new pic with the new camera? He put on his gi, decided he wanted to use Daddy’s sai, and I sent him out to the yard to go nuts.
I could nitpick a few piddly things about the photo above, but we’re both thrilled with the way it came out. I haven’t decided if it’s the best of the bunch, but it’s definitely the one he wants for the frame.
I’m looking forward to really putting it through its paces this summer and getting more creative.
Topics: Photography, Shuri-Ryu | No Comments »
Revenge of Your Modern World
By Mike | May 6, 2008
A Florida teacher has been fired because — I kid you not — he’s been accused of wizardry. When Tim sent me the article, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or scream. In a nutshell, this guy performed a magic trick with a toothpick in front of a middle school class and he got fired for it.
I first have to laugh that someone is dumb enough to believe this guy performed an actual feat of magic and not simple sleight of hand. I also find it funny that their school board had the stones to actually list this, on record, as a reason for his termination. This makes the Kansas state board of ed look progressive.
On the other side of it, I find it infuriating. I work in education myself, and I’m seeing one of two scenarios going on: 1) they needed an excuse to get rid of the guy and they used this parental complaint to do it; 2) a parent complained, and rather than stick up for the teacher they dropped the hammer. The other reasons cited for his termination (not following lesson plans, letting students on unapproved computers) are very flimsy reasons for termination, especially if the guy was in a tenured position. Hidden reasons or not, terminating the guy for alleged wizardry is beyond ridiculous.
What’s next, Pasco County? Adopting the Malleus Maleficarum into your school board policies?
Topics: Idiocy, Politics & Religion | 1 Comment »
Yes, I’m Buying GTA IV
By Mike | May 1, 2008
And the protesters and crybabies can kiss my ass.
So it’s the “gravest assault upon children in this country since polio,” is it? Shut up, douche. Some of us are smart enough not to play the game when the kids are around. Some of us actually have the balls to tell our children “no” when they want something. Some of us have the balls to take something away from our children if they somehow manage to get a hold of it themselves. Some of us even have the balls to tell other parents that they’re idiots if they’re unwilling to do any of the above.
Finally, some of us have the ability to separate reality from a video game!
You don’t want to shoot up a city and get lap dances? That’s fine. Obviously this game isn’t for you. Don’t buy it, don’t play it, don’t watch the footage.
The rest of us are going to kill us some hookers.
Topics: Entertainment, Idiocy | 1 Comment »
Two Wheels of Terror
By Mike | April 30, 2008
I’m giving serious thought to purchasing a motorcycle again. Specifically the Honda Shadow VLX.
The out-of-control gas prices are what made me think about bikes in the first place, and it’s become a stronger argument this summer as prices continue to creep upward. According to this chart, I should expect to get about 50 miles per gallon on a Shadow, which will make trips to our second campus at work or to things like karate class a lot cheaper than if I were to take the family van at 20-22 miles per gallon. It also lets me leave the van with the wife and kids should they need it, without the extra expense of a car as the second vehicle.
There’s still a nagging fear in the back of my head, though. I only learned to ride last year, and while the course put me at ease about my own riding, there’s always that concern about some pinhead pulling out in front of me or merging into me in traffic. On top of that, I have yet to get seat time on anything more than a parking lot course. My father-in-law offered to let me take his GoldWing for a spin, but I can hardly even get my stubby legs over the seat, much less get them to touch the ground while I’m on it. A co-worker offered to let me ride his Shadow ACE, but if I dumped it I’d feel horrible so I took a pass.
On the other hand, I know riders who have been on their bikes over 30 years without incident. What’s more, statistics show that the overwhelming majority of riders (better than 90% if I remember right) of motorcycle accidents involve riders who are self-taught and/or who are riding under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Just taking that $20 course put me ahead of most riders on the road before I even get on the bike.
I’m also told that fear is good for the rider. You stay more alert, more aware of your surroundings. When you’re expecting that pinhead to merge into you, you’re reacting before he even starts to move. It’s when you get tired or careless that you start to have a problem.
This morning it occurred to me I felt the same way when I first took driver’s ed in high school. I remember standing out front, watching people pick up their kids or watching other students pick up their friends, and being amazed at how easy they made it look. I used to wonder if I’d ever be that comfortable behind the wheel, even if I’d ever be as good at driving as they seemed to be. A year later, the car was just an extension of my body. I picked up my brother and one of his friends after practice one afternoon, and I realized I was doing the same thing as the people I had been watching. Driving really is easy, and I was as good as those other people.
I’ve been watching motorcyclists with the same awe. They’ve been out in droves with the warmer weather, and they cruise along just like the cars around them. It’s all about experience, and you’ve got to start somewhere. The good news is we have miles and miles of open road out here in the boonies, unlike the crowded suburban streets I learned to drive a car on.
I’d always wanted to learn to ride a motorcycle, and I’ve accomplished that much. Now it’s time to give some serious thought to taking it to the next level. What better time than spring?
Topics: Motorcycles | 3 Comments »
It Will Swallow Your Head
By Mike | April 30, 2008
Nay, your very soul!
CNN has a video of a giant squid that, fortunately for the dude in the tank with it, is dead.
At least I hope it is, for his sake. “Not dead which eternal lie” and all that.
Topics: Evil, Science & Space | 2 Comments »
Just Buy The Damned Comic
By Mike | April 29, 2008
Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
I got my copy of The Damned by Cullen Bunn and Brian Hurtt today. I’ve been looking forward to this since the first mini wrapped a year or so ago.
Demons and gangsters… what’s not to love? It’s the kind of idea that I wish I would have thought of, an idea that makes me hate Cullen with the scorching heat of 1,000 suns.
Then he buys me margaritas and it all goes away.
Topics: Comics, Entertainment | 1 Comment »
The Evil That Men Do
By Mike | April 28, 2008
People sometimes ask me how I can write the things I do, or how I can come up with these ideas. I’ve been told I shouldn’t “wallow in darkness,” and people have told me they will pray for me so I don’t somehow get tainted or corrupted by evil. I’ve even been asked if I really thought people are capable of doing these things.
I think most of them have forgotten their history classes. I’m often astounded by man’s capacity for evil, and people have done things that I could never even imagine.
Take the Austrian man who imprisoned his own daughter in a cellar for 24 years, raped her repeatedly, and even sired 7 children with her, all while living a normal life with his wife upstairs. One of the children died shortly after birth, and he burned the body in an oven. Three of the children have never seen the light of day.
Tell me this isn’t the very definition of evil. Crimes like rape and murder are vicious in their own way, but I can’t imagine the will it must take to perpetrate something like this for over two decades. To keep one’s wife in the dark and make nice with the neighbors for all that time.
A big story closer to home is a couple who murdered their child through neglect. These people put their 5-month-old child — still bundled in winter clothing and strapped into his car seat — in his crib, then walked away and ignored him for eight days. The lead graf of the article spells out the results:
Neglected for eight straight days, 5-month-old Benjamin Sargent died from a combination of dehydration, starvation and sepsis, a toxic infection that was caused by “sitting (for days) in his own waste material,” Peoria County Coroner Johnna Ingersoll told a coroner’s jury Thursday.
Again, I can’t even begin to understand the minds of these people. How do you ignore the screams of a child for hours — days! — on end? I start to get nervous when my kids sleep for longer than usual, and these people sat around waiting for their child to die. I can picture them turning up the TV to drown out the wailing, wishing the kid would just die already.
Yet I’m the bad guy for thinking these people should get sent to the chair. I’m the evil one for writing about make-believe monsters. My soul is in jeopardy for confining the darkness I see in the world to paper.
I’ve got a good life and a loving family, but I’m the one going to Hell.
Lose the rose-colored glasses, people. They don’t suit you.
Topics: Evil, General | No Comments »
Gross Anatomy
By Mike | April 23, 2008
From a distance, the human body is a thing of beauty. Get up close, though, and things start to break down.
And I’m about to tell you about one of the more intimate places things break down. If you’re at all squeamish or the type to scream “too much information!” at the merest hint of something personal, you’ll probably want to surf elsewhere.
No, seriously, scram. Vamoose. Get lost.
The rest of you still with me? You’re sure.
Okay, here we go, starting with a new post title:
MORE THAN YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MIKE’S ASS BECAUSE YOU WERE AFRAID TO ASK
So I found this lump in my asshole this morning.
Late last night and early this morning I kept feeling like I had a turtle head going on, but the feeling didn’t fade, even after my morning constitutional. I still didn’t think much of it as I climbed into the shower. I shampooed. Ran through a kata’s techniques. Soaped up a rag. Started washi– what in the hell was that?
I damn near jumped out of the shower when I felt it. Not too painful, but enough to get a man’s attention, especially when it’s radiating from the rim of his sphincter like this was. At first I thought it might be a hernia. Maybe I pulled or popped something during last night’s karate workout. Maybe the loaded push-ups were a bit too much, and now my guts are flying apart like a ball of rubber bands.
But no, that didn’t make sense. If I had a hernia, I’d be in a lot more pain. At least, I think I would. I made another tentative probe and then it hit me:
It’s a hemorrhoid! I’ve got the frickin’ piles.
I’m officially old.
Reading through the Wikipedia page did not exactly fill me with glee, either. Phrases like “manually reduce,” “rubber band ligation,” and “transanal hemorrhoidal dearterialization” are enough to set me clenching, kicking off another quick jolt of pain.
And I sure as hell don’t want to go through a doppler guided hemorrhoidal artery ligation. I don’t know what it is, but I could have gone my whole life without ever hearing that phrase in relation to my own anus. Really. I have visions of doctors shrinking a B-2 like the sub in Fantastic Voyage and sending it in to take care of business.
“I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”
Which begs the question, should I see a doctor? How bad could a colonoscopy be, anyway? *clickety-click*
Aaagh! Aaaagghh!! AAAAAGGGHHH!!!
Damn you, YouTube. Damn you to Hell.
Especially for what starts around timestamp 2:30 in that second link. (Come on. You know you want to look.)
Needless to say, I’ll be starting with my own treatments, thank you. I think a nice hot bath tonight will be in order. In the meantime, I’ve dismantled the porcelain library. Getting sucked into magazine articles for a half hour after pinching off a couple brownies probably hasn’t been doing me any favors. I’m also drinking plenty of water today to hydrate up, and I’ll hit the Metamucil hard for some (obviously) much-needed fiber.
At work I slapped together a standing desk and I’ve managed to stay on my feet all day except for a few minutes to eat lunch.
Samurai Jack remains ever vigilant in front of the monitors. Maybe he could put that little sword to use.
A more drastic measure may be the serious investigation of a squat toilet. I’ve read about them before, and the claim is Eastern cultures employing squat toilets have a far lower incidence of things like hemorrhoids than the Western world. Squat toilets are so prevalent out that way that they’ve even become an Olympic problem for China. It does look a bit awkward, but right now I’d be game to try it. Gravity rules.
All I can do now is hope this thing fades, and cross my fingers that it’s not actually a perianal hematoma. (Tell me that’s not a tasty after-dinner picture!) The blue tinge may be the giveaway, but I’m not sure how I’m going to get my wife to take a look for me. This isn’t exactly something one volunteers for, you know? Maybe I should go into the bathroom, strip down, grab my ankles, aim for the door, and call her in. I’m sure that will go over great. Nothing helps a hemorrhoid like a size 8 shoe wedged up your ass.
I’ll let you know.
Topics: Entertainment, Evil, Fitness, Idiocy | 3 Comments »
“The Deadly Gender” Imminent
By Mike | April 23, 2008
We’re getting closer and closer to the release of Das Tödliche Geschlecht, the German-language edition of Deadliest of the Species from Otherworld Verlag. I’m told the German title translates to “the deadly gender,” which I think is a fair approximation. The original title is derived from a Kipling quote:
“For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.”
I’m assuming Kipling has been translated into German, so it shouldn’t be lost on my German readers any more than the average US reader.
The publisher has also sent me the final version of the cover art. It’s not changed much from previous versions of shared with you, they simply touched up the blood and the woman’s eyes.
They say we should see release on schedule in June. I’m excited, because this edition is probably going to have the largest print run to date of all my solo work and will probably see the most readers. I’ve been asked if it bums me out that the original English edition hasn’t seen a wider reprint yet, and I have to say no, I’m not.
Readers are readers, whatever language they speak or read. I’m a writer, and while it would be nice to make a living off of it and see more success in my home country, I just want to be read.
Topics: Writing | No Comments »
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