Most people reading this probably expect me to say “Where do you get your ideas?” is the last thing I want to hear as a writer. Surprisingly, this one doesn’t bother me at all as I have several answers. And, surprisingly enough, very few of them are sarcastic.
The comments that bother me most start with “You should write…” They’ve come from all over the place, from friends and family to complete strangers. They are often well meaning, but sometimes carry a “you’re wasting your time with that [horror/technology] stuff” tone. They typically take the following forms:
“Wow, that Harry Potter stuff made that woman a lot of money! You should write a Harry Potter book!”
“You should write about a [insert downtrodden minority here] main character. That always makes your story different.”
“Look at all the haunted house flicks out there! You should write one of those! They’re snapping ‘em up all over the place!”
“We need to sit down so I can tell you my life story. You should write it into a novel, as the stuff I’ve done would make for a great book.”
Typically, as soon as I hear “You should write” I want to scream “You should shut the hell up!”
Why?
1) I don’t want to hear your ideas (or problems). I’ve got my own ideas (and problems).
2) You got such a hot idea? Fucking write it yourself. I’m not going to listen to you tell me how I blew it later, nor will I set myself up for a lawsuit when we have a falling out or, if you were a stranger, when you suddenly decide I stole your idea.
2 1/2) If you are a producer or publisher coming to me with a fat paycheck and a work-for-hire contract, we can talk about these other ideas. Otherwise there’s a train coming through town at 3:54pm tomorrow afternoon. Kindly step in front of it.
3) I don’t want to write about the plight of Chinese lesbians in 13th Century Peking*. If I don’t have any interest in the story, neither will the reader (not to mention the editor or publisher who I’ll need to buy the damn thing).
4) Harry Potter has already been written, and Hollywood is probably flooded with shitty scripts about haunted house flicks. I do not yet have the contacts to predict the “next big thing” and get an appropriate script into the right hands. By the time I wrote my own shitty haunted house script, Hollywood will have moved on to other shitty projects like the remake of Bewitched**.
5) This one is key. Are you listening? I DO NOT COME TO YOUR JOB AND TELL YOU HOW TO DO IT.
My Dad may have the sack to tell every (yes, every) restauranteur he can get his hands on why their shitty salad bar will never bring in customers, but it’s not in my nature. I’m not going to give Mikey pointers on nuclear material handling because I’ve never studied nuclear physics and he runs a major nuclear facility for a living. I’m not going to tell my comic shop what they should stock because I have no idea what their demographics are like and they’ve got a card file stuffed to bursting with the monthly subscriptions for countless customers in each of their four stores.
Writing is no different. Writing is a job. Just because you’ve read a novel and seen a flick or two doesn’t make you an expert. I have spoken with writers, publishers, editors, and agents. I have read various publications on writing and publishing by writers, publishers, editors, and agents. I have gone to conventions for five years running and soaked the shit up as best I can. I am by no means a master, but I am fairly confident I know the business better than the guy who just saw the Dawn of the Dead remake and says I need to write about “really fast and mean zombies because they’re the Next Big Thing!”***
In short, keep your ideas to yourself or choose your words carefully. If I go to jail for stomping your head through your asshole, it will just mean I finally have time to write.
* Now, if you’ve got a porn flick like this, we’ll talk…
** Think I made that up? Guess again.
*** Don’t worry, Brian; if I run into him again, I will carve out his liver and save you a slice.
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