Would You Elect These People?

I think I solved the mystery of why the media doesn’t list third-party presidential candidates: a lot of them are unelectable whackjobs.

Let’s start simple, shall we? Consider Gene Amondson. Judging by his website, Gene’s primary goal is to promote his web designer. Nothing says you’re a valid presidential candidate like a front page that has absolutely nothing to do with you or your platform. And look! Gene’s also a wood carver and pie cook. Isn’t that swell? Wading past all that crap, we finally discover Gene is running on the Prohibition Party ticket.

Yes, it’s exactly what you think: ol’ Gene wants to ban alcohol. Because, you know, Prohibition worked so well the first time around.

Fortunately it appears Gene’s more interested in making a point and promoting his Billy Sunday impersonations than actually becoming president, so let’s move on.

Meet Da Vid, the candidate fronting the Light Party. Mr. Vid is full of love. He thinks peace and love will save the world, and wants to replace “liberty and justice for all” with “health, peace and freedom for all.” He’s even going to build a snazzy Global Peace Center that will be a shining beacon for all humanity to embrace his message of love.

The guy’s a frickin’ Care Bear. Maybe he can team up with Gene up there and replace booze with pot and patchouli. Then we can all hold hands and head for the Global Peace Center (complete with prerequisite pyramid) where we’ll all drink the Kool-Aid and catch the next ride to Heaven.

Think I’m being too harsh? Behold The Metacube. Tell me that’s not the result of a three-day acid binge. Now he wants to share his vision with you. The Metacube will use its wondrous holographic imagery to teach you things, and you will enjoy such “Artaining” artifacts as The Violet Flame Initiation and A Comic Christmas Celebration (ooh! Parts 1and 2!). No more bombs, bullets and boobs to harsh your mellow.

You know, this guy just may have a shot. Because as well all know, everybody loves brainwashing.

Last but not least, we have my favorite candidate, Jack Grimes. I’ll let his picture do the talking:

Jack Grimes and his wicked cool Spartan helmet

Looking at the head of the United Fascist Union, I think we finally know what became of Ogre following the events in Revenge of the Nerds. How is Jack an unelectable crackpot? Let us count the ways.

First, he’s even less web-savvy than Gene Amondson. Jack can’t even be bothered to register his own domain name, and has instead co-opted somebody else’s Tripod account. I didn’t even know Tripod still existed, but there it is, powering the web for crackpots who can’t spring for three bucks a month.

Second, just look at that helmet.

Third, nothing endears a candidate to the people like touting the political ideals of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein.

Fourth, just look at that helmet.

Fifth, snazzy matching uniforms for himself and his intended First Lady. Yeah. That’s sexy.

Sixth? You guessed it! Just. Look. At. That. HELMET! Only one man’s is more awe inspiring.

Okay okay, so he looks like a douchebag. Let’s at least give his issues a chance. I’ll start with the FAQ. It says I can make big bucks if I click on… oh, wait. That’s the Tripod pop-up ad. I’ll try again.

Ah, here we go. Blah blah blah… fascism… yadda yadda… class struggle… blah blah… Saddam Hussein… Wait! What’s this? “I would also halt urban sprawl by reviving center cities across America & enacting rules of public conduct that police would rigidly enforce.”

Ooh, Thoughtcrime! I can’t wait to see how that would work. I wonder if it will involve snazzy helmets?

Then he tells us what he’d tackle first in his Presidential Priorities.

Numero uno? Abolish paper money and replace it with a work point system. Apparently you get credit for the work you do, which you can then use to buy things. How novel! Screw salary, I want work credits! His second priority is to make things cheaper. No, really, that’s it: make things cheaper. I’m guessing work at the Chuck E. Cheese hasn’t been very fulfilling for Mr. Grimes.

Finally (yep, that’s right, three whole priorities), he intends to “create a league of nine or ten nations that would form a Confederacy of States to create a global government.” Nine or ten? Thanks for being specific. Dare I ask which nations? I get the feeling Chavez and Ahmadinejad will be numbers 2 and 3 in his Fave 5SM. Maybe Jack will bring helmets to their first summit.

So I get it now. The mainstream media isn’t going to give lip service to crackpots, even if it would be worth a few laughs and might jack up ratings. I say we force the media to give people like Grimes the attention they so richly deserve! On election day, I’ll be wearing the following button on my lapel:

“Vote Grimes 2008. Just for spite.”

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

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  1. Let’s talk about why Director Grimes should rule America instead of all that joking bullshit cranks like you like to post.

    He’s a political genius of a new kind and is probably the only man alive who can save the USA from the certain death professional parasites like baby Bush & that bitch Billary have planned for it.

    The FASCIST economic system, whether it’s in Italy under Benito Mussolini to modern day Iraq under President Saddam Hussein, has always brought economic prosperity to every nation blessed with a Fascist government and, created ECONOMIC EQUALITY for the masses.

    Laugh at our Roman Helmets in Cecil County, asshole, some of our Storm Troopers will break your goddamn nose for you.

    HAIL GRIMES!
    VOTE FASCIST 2008!

    Speech for the MayorCouncil Meeting ofOctober 3rd 2007 An interesting article in the Cecil Whig, September 14th edition, entitled ?Gilchrest on Board with Aid for Local Mass Transit Fix? pointed out that ?Cecil County is the missing link in passenger rail service between New York City and Washington, D.C. In the same piece, Senator Pipkin, of the #36 District, stated that we need to renovate the old train station. Everyone who is fortunate enough to live in Cecil County will know how hard the honorable Mayor Fisona has worked to make sure we will once again have passenger train service here in the town of Elkton. Anyone who has followed local politics for any length of time at all understands county civic leaders have wanted to restart commuter trains to Elkton for several years now and the main stumbling block is always a lack of capital. Another hindrance is also the ramshackle condition of the train station on Bow Street, which would have to be completely remodeled. Also, another imperative is to secure Federal funds to start the undertaking. As I understand it, the Elkton train station closed it?s doors sometime in 1962 and has been allowed to fall into ruin ever since then. This shouldn?t have happened in the first place, but, what has been done cannot easily be undone. Note the phrase, easily undone. This can be corrected if enough time and money were to be invested in a renovation project. In the article, mentioned before, Gilchrest promised he would do his best to secure the needed federal funds. It?s up to voters to see to it that he keeps his word by writing him often to remind him of what he said he would do in regards to helping to bring the train back to Elkton. In those letters it should most likely be stressed how much a man in his position could do to help bring this about because of his rank and social standing. It would also be wise if the authors were to stress in the body of the composition how bringing the train back to Elkton would be for civic good and could raise the quality of life in Cecil County. It also seems most reasonable, to me, that if we expect to get federal funding to bring passenger rail service back to Elkton again we need to explain in as logical and rational format as is possible, within a reasonable time frame without becoming boring or bothersome, how doing so would garner vast revenue to fill the public coffers. At this point, someone should point out how poverty-stricken Cecil County is and how we must have passenger rail service back again to draw people here to expand our tax base. In the same edition, the Whig ran another article claiming the county just recently topped the 100,000 residents mark. An argument favoring returning train service could be made thus: ?Cecil County remains poverty-stricken and isolated despite the fact that we now have more than 100,000 people living here.? The agent making said proposal could add: with all of these people we should have train service restored to the city of Elkton so that they may be gainfully employed. A wise point designed to garner support for the proposal might be Cecil County has often been called Maryland?s forgotten county or the forgotten corner of Maryland; sadly, tis? surely so, but, this is most assuredly a result of our lack of proper public transportation in the region. Give us the funds we need now to start a functional regional commuter rail service that will move people from place to place and it will pay for itself rapidly by expanding our tax base. Every economist knows there are periods of growth and periods of stagnation and, one usually follows the other as night follows day. Cecil County has languished in a state of decay since commuter trains stopped servicing the area, so it seems the solution would be to restore the railroad to this area pronto to reverse the situation. It is the task of those of you who have power to convince those who have money to give us the funds we need to bring the railroad back to Cecil County once more. Mr. Jack Grimesfor the UNITED FASCIST UNION7PM night of October 3rd 2007City of Elkton, Province of MarylandNation-State of America

    (The errors on the speech are because it was never intended for publication and Mr. G. wanted it stored on his e-mail pronto. The goofs are mine and not a reflection of the craftsmanship generally produced by the U.F.U.)

  2. Mike says:

    Woohoo! I’m all about voting for people who recruit Storm Troopers willing to break my goddamn nose for me.