Scan 'Em All

The last several times I’ve gone to the theater have been miserable experiences, and Friday night was no exception.

It’s those times it would be really nice to have the Scanners head-exploding powers.

Take the two trendy teen couples who sat down behind me. They tripped over one another getting to their seats, one of the guys got irritated, and one of the girls said “Peace, nigger!”Then one of them spotted the black man sitting down the aisle from them.

“OhmyGodohmyGod! I hope he didn’t hear that!”

Uh huh. Blam!

If I could have exploded her head right then, it would have saved me more grief. She lost her ring as the credits rolled: “I dropped my ring! Oh no!” Then she lost her necklace: “I can’t find my necklace! Oh my God! You guys! Help me find it!”

Maybe she wears mommy’s jewelry. Blam!

In case anyone was worried about her necklace, she did find it. In her shirt. “Tee hee! There it is!” Blam!

Then the cell phone rings. She put it on vibrate, so I was ready to let it fly. Unfortunately she decided to answer it, then complained she couldn’t hear over the theater sound. Blam!

Then the boyfriend started kissing on her. “Don’t! There are people around!”

Yes, but the rest of us are trying to watch a movie, not your scuzzball boyfriend slobber on your neck. Blam!

This was all between bumps and kicks of the chair back. I was willing to write that off as accidental, but then one of them tried to put their foot up on my armrest (I sat on the aisle). I looked over my shoulder the first time, but they didn’t say anything. The second time I looked over my shoulder and asked them to knock it off. Obviously I was the idiot for being in their way. Blam!

They weren’t the only pinheads. Everyone’s familiar with the basic movie-going rules, right? Silence your cell phones, don’t talk, take noisy kids to the lobby? A guy down the same row from the trendy teens managed to break all of them.

He didn’t bother to silence his phone, and he took three calls during the course of the film. On top of that, he’s apparently deaf because every conversation started with “Hello?” then, louder, “Hello?” again. Blam!

Apparently his wife was embarrassed enough to do something about it, because he got mad at her. “What are you doin’, tryin’ to break my muh-fuggin’ phone?” Blam!

And then their baby cried. They got him quieted down pretty quick, but later the baby started playing with some bells. This was apparently okay with them. Blam!

Yeah, if I had the head-explodo powers, Jumper would have been a much better flick.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

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  1. Cullen says:

    Many a time have I wished for the exact same power. I rarely go to the movie theater any more because of the idiots I’m likely to encounter.