Gross Anatomy

From a distance, the human body is a thing of beauty. Get up close, though, and things start to break down.

And I’m about to tell you about one of the more intimate places things break down. If you’re at all squeamish or the type to scream “too much information!” at the merest hint of something personal, you’ll probably want to surf elsewhere.

No, seriously, scram. Vamoose. Get lost.

The rest of you still with me? You’re sure.

Okay, here we go, starting with a new post title:

MORE THAN YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MIKE’S ASS BECAUSE YOU WERE AFRAID TO ASK

So I found this lump in my asshole this morning.

Late last night and early this morning I kept feeling like I had a turtle head going on, but the feeling didn’t fade, even after my morning constitutional. I still didn’t think much of it as I climbed into the shower. I shampooed. Ran through a kata’s techniques. Soaped up a rag. Started washi– what in the hell was that?

I damn near jumped out of the shower when I felt it. Not too painful, but enough to get a man’s attention, especially when it’s radiating from the rim of his sphincter like this was. At first I thought it might be a hernia. Maybe I pulled or popped something during last night’s karate workout. Maybe the loaded push-ups were a bit too much, and now my guts are flying apart like a ball of rubber bands.

But no, that didn’t make sense. If I had a hernia, I’d be in a lot more pain. At least, I think I would. I made another tentative probe and then it hit me:

It’s a hemorrhoid! I’ve got the frickin’ piles.

I’m officially old.

Reading through the Wikipedia page did not exactly fill me with glee, either. Phrases like “manually reduce,” “rubber band ligation,” and “transanal hemorrhoidal dearterialization” are enough to set me clenching, kicking off another quick jolt of pain.

And I sure as hell don’t want to go through a doppler guided hemorrhoidal artery ligation. I don’t know what it is, but I could have gone my whole life without ever hearing that phrase in relation to my own anus. Really. I have visions of doctors shrinking a B-2 like the sub in Fantastic Voyage and sending it in to take care of business.

“I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

Which begs the question, should I see a doctor? How bad could a colonoscopy be, anyway? *clickety-click*

Aaagh! Aaaagghh!! AAAAAGGGHHH!!!

Damn you, YouTube. Damn you to Hell.

Especially for what starts around timestamp 2:30 in that second link. (Come on. You know you want to look.)

Needless to say, I’ll be starting with my own treatments, thank you. I think a nice hot bath tonight will be in order. In the meantime, I’ve dismantled the porcelain library. Getting sucked into magazine articles for a half hour after pinching off a couple brownies probably hasn’t been doing me any favors. I’m also drinking plenty of water today to hydrate up, and I’ll hit the Metamucil hard for some (obviously) much-needed fiber.

At work I slapped together a standing desk and I’ve managed to stay on my feet all day except for a few minutes to eat lunch.

Poor Man's Standing Desk

Samurai Jack remains ever vigilant in front of the monitors. Maybe he could put that little sword to use.

A more drastic measure may be the serious investigation of a squat toilet. I’ve read about them before, and the claim is Eastern cultures employing squat toilets have a far lower incidence of things like hemorrhoids than the Western world. Squat toilets are so prevalent out that way that they’ve even become an Olympic problem for China. It does look a bit awkward, but right now I’d be game to try it. Gravity rules.

All I can do now is hope this thing fades, and cross my fingers that it’s not actually a perianal hematoma. (Tell me that’s not a tasty after-dinner picture!) The blue tinge may be the giveaway, but I’m not sure how I’m going to get my wife to take a look for me. This isn’t exactly something one volunteers for, you know? Maybe I should go into the bathroom, strip down, grab my ankles, aim for the door, and call her in. I’m sure that will go over great. Nothing helps a hemorrhoid like a size 8 shoe wedged up your ass.

I’ll let you know.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

8 comments

  1. Eric says:

    Worst. Blog post. Ever. ;)

  2. Troy says:

    Be there, done that…….try a rectal abscess or a infected area of the anus and then squeeze it in a hot shower and feel pus and blood explode into your hand……

    I think I just threw up in my mouth a little,
    Troy

  3. Jarret says:

    Well, when I had my colonoscopy, I was completely out and don’t remember a single thing. I wouldn’t stress it at all.

  4. Troy B says:

    I’m scheduled for a Transanal Hemorrhoidal Dearterialization Friday. It is non-invasive, pain-free, and I should be back to work by Monday. Best of all, the discomfort and pain, and blood loss i’ve been experiencing, (getting worse over 20 years) will finally be gone. From several papers i’ve read on-line, the piles start to shrink immediately after the arteries are tied off.

    I’ll respond next week to let you know how things are looking.

  5. Mike says:

    Good luck to you, man. Mine went away on its own after about a week and I only had a minor problem once since.

  6. Troy B says:

    I had my Transanal Hemorrhoidal Dearterialization on Friday, January 30th. Dr. Reda said I was a good candidate. But, he hadn’t seen all of the hemorrhoidal tissue. Turns out i had advanced Hemorrhoidal disease, stage 4 or worse, if possible. Anyway, he had to do some ligation of the hemorrhoids as well as the dearterialization.
    Now, the ony way to get out of outpatient waiting, after that surgery is you have to pee. Well, it took lots of fluids, orally and intravenously, and 7 hours later I peed. Throughout that 7 hours, wanting badly to leave to eat and sleep in my own bed, i went to the bathroom, and vainly expressed my bladder, squeezing and Kegelling, and whatever I could to get urine out.
    What not to do after hemorrhoid surgery, do not spend lots of time expressing and Kegelling you bladder. Cause what may happne, and what DID happen to me is a bladder spasm. When i finally urinated, it was a little bit, and i continually felt like i had to go. Kind of like a urinary infection. But it wasn’t. All I could do was pee a little at a time, and every 5 minutes. That’s how I spent my first night at home, with my penis hanging in hole cut inthe side of an empty water jug, so I didn’t have to get up to pee every 5 minutes. This was the worst night for trying to sleep.
    Saturday morning, i called the doctor. He said, “oh, you just need to go to an emergency room and get a catheter, to reset your bladder.” I had left the prescription for Vicodyn at the hospital, and asked the doctor if i could just take ibuprofen for pain. He said yes. So, later in the morning, i went to an emergency room, a local hospital, WInter Haven. I now refer to it as the Butcher SHop. I was in that emergecny room for 6 hours. The ER Doc NEVER came in to ask me anything. THe 6th hour, a nurse came in with a catheter kit, the kind with a bag for you to carry around. I said, no, that is not what I’m supposed to get. If the doctor would have even seen me, I could be on my way home. But no, i ranted, “I spent 6 hours in this place, and you did NOTHING!” I was furious, and no better than when i got there. After demanding my $40 back, I left, went home and tried some relaxation meditation for a while. I soon realized this was not oging to make the urination thing get better. FInally I packed up, and headed back to the hospital where I had the surgery. The ER doc saw me within 30 minutes. I had what I call a “Drain and Go” catheter shoved up my urethra within about an hour of arriving. 15 minutes and 600ml of urine later, I felt MUCH better!! THank you Celebration Health ER!

    Now, I was finally able to go home, and get some sleep. My rear still hurt, but at least i could pee normally. I worked from home Monday and Tuesday. Went in to work Wednseday, Thursday and Friday. Thursday was the worst morning, but after you get moving around, and warmed up, it gets better. So, do Kegels and try to use your ass. It will help you get better, and warmed up faster. That Friday, a week after surgery was the best morning. HOwever, I noticed i didn’t get a lot better with warming up. Turns out, the only hemorrhoid left to bother me started to flare up Friday, and continued throughout the weekend. Saturday I couldn’t sit, Sunday and Monday there were no comfortable positions. I didn’t relaize until Monday that it was an external hemorrhoid. I thought it was some other complication. Went to see the doctor Tuesday. My rear-end was healing nicely, except for the external hemorrhoid that was causing all the pain. He gave me a prescription for the pain, and sent me off. I was back at work again on Wednesday. THursday I felt well enough to go back to the gym. Friday, i relaxed, and did some chores around the house. Saturday, Feb. 14th, I went with friends to the Knights of Sant Y’ago night parade in Ybor City. We got a hotel room nearby, drank, waved and yelled for beads, drank, got beaded, kissed and flashed, and had a great time!! Got home Sunday night the 15th. Went to work today, like nothing had ever happened. Went to the gym tonight, did my normal 60 minutes on the Matrix. It was great. I’m feeling terriffic, AND the best thing is, Now, after a Bowel Movement, i don’t have a handful of hemorrhoidal tissue prolapsing out of my anus. I have a normal ass now, after 23 years of letting the problem get worse and worse.

    THD is the way to go. Do it now. YOu don’t want the advanced problem, cause that’s just horrible to deal with.
    Sincerely,
    Troy

  7. Troy B says:

    It was Dr. Redan, at Celebration Health.