Unsanitary Mofos

So when did parents stop teaching kids to wash their hands after taking a dump?

Yesterday I’m at Old Chicago, waiting for the stall. Teenager opens the stall door, then kneels down in the door to tie his shoe. Looks up, sees me, gives me a “D’oh! Sorry!” and gets out of the way. As I’m throwing the latch, I hear him go straight past the sink and out the door. When I returned to my table near the bar, the kid was at the next table with his family, eating a slice of pizza.

After pizza & beer, I stopped at Borders. The bowels were bitching again, so I hit the can. The next stall was already occupied. I take care of business, go out and start washing my hands. Guy in the other stall walks out, another teenager. He walks right past me and out the door.

Now I know why people advise you to grab the door handle with the paper towel as you leave the restroom, and why there’s fecal matter on most of the money in circulation. These are the idiots who spread their colds and flus around every year, and who will be responsible for killing the rest of us when Captain Tripps finally shows up.

I can’t stand the feeling of not washing my hands after I take a dump, whether or not it’s been a messy one. How can they sit down to eat after wiping their asses? Are they subscribers to the Middle Eastern left-hand-only method?

Do they finger-bang their girlfriends with those hands?

I’m starting to think I need to carry around one of those bottles of germ-killing goo all the time, not just leave one on my desk at work.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

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  1. Noah L says:

    You will be pleased to know that I am not to be counted among the “unsanitary mofos” you have described, though I am just barely not a teenager anymore. And I do carry sanitizer with me outside of work :P. Teenagers are lazy and think that if they can’t see it, it’s not dirty. This frame of mind is one that children between the ages of 0-7 possess, and I believe should generally be expunged by the age of 9, but I have noticed that is not the case. Too many people suck.