Dora's Dark World

Have any other parents out there noticed what a dark and dangerous world Dora the Explorer lives in?

First of all, every time she has to go somewhere, the path is frought with peril. Whether she’s visiting the library or her grandmother, she has to take these long, roundabout paths through forests, mountains, and caves. If that weren’t enough, there are usually obstacles such as crocodiles, snakes, giant spiders, and even trolls. Would you want your six-year-old trying to find a safe path through a den of vipers? I think not.

You may say “But Mike, her cousin Diego does the same thing!” True. However, Diego is an animal rescuer. Diego’s in the jungle doing his job, and one would presume he has training to cope with such things. He also has a the wicked cool Rescue Pack which turns into anything he could ever need, from a hang glider to a toboggan.

Which brings me to Dora’s next problem: her hungry, hungry backpack. This thing will eat anything. What if Boots strays too close? Kiss his red ass goodbye. At least it gives back to Dora, though. It has a lot of things she might need, but never anything of real utility. For example, can you say machete, kiddies? How about pistola? Scissors to cut down the troll’s net is nice, but wouldn’t be easier to put a bullet in his head?

A bullet would nicely handle her next villain, Swiper the Fox. What kind of bastard steals anything and everything he can from a little girl? Dora could just stay home or, you know, have mom drive her to grandma’s house. Instead she has to expose herself to Swiper the masked kleptomaniac.

Today I discovered Swiper is the least of her worries. As she made her way to the library today, Dora was chased by an old witch who looked like the kiddie-eating, gingerbread house-living type. Dora the Explorer becomes Dora the Dinner, with a side of bush meat. (Though I hope the trio of musician insects become appetizers. They’re annoying.) A good machete would discourage the witch nicely, I should think.

I’m sure the creators meant well and all, but poor Dora, if she keeps flirting with danger like this I fear she’s not long for this world.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

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  1. Mikey says:

    Methinks you thinks too much about cartoons. Get out more. Go to dinner. Pet a dog. Take a dog to dinner and get into heavy petting. Just leave the TV to your young’ns. They are more qualified at processing its messages.

    In case you think I’m out of touch because me young’n is grown, hearken back to the days of the Power Rangers and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – that is when my son was a wee boyo. There were lots of messages there in those ‘toons, not the least being that giant sewer rats could become martial arts’ wise masters. Still, I did my darnedest to ignore the situation and not interrupt the liquidation of my son’s mental capacity. I recommend you do the same. That way there’s more to tease them about when they grow older.

    -Mikey-

  2. Mike says:

    Hey, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were the shiz-NITE!! Well, the comics were, anyway. And the new movie is pretty good. But the cartoon and the live-action movies sucked the dog’s balls.

    Power Rangers are still around, but they’ve multiplied. Operation Overdrive, Space Patrol Delta, Jungle Fury, Imperial Sex Drones, Mystic Force, it goes on and on (though I may have made one of those up).

    But at least they all exist to fight. Blue’s never in danger in Blue’s Clues. The Backyardigans only have imaginary adventures. The Little Einsteins are protected by Rocket. The Higglytown Heroes are Hillary Clinton’s Village as translated by Babushka dolls (and they’re more like Weebles, so they’ll never fall down). Little Bear is a bear, so nobody’s going to screw with him.

    Dora’s the only one living in a twisted fantasy world! It’s just like Disney does with all the old Hans Christian Anderson tales or Greek mythology: they castrate them and weed out all the scary-bad-evil shit so the kids can watch.