Alas, Poor Keene

A while back, several of us killed Jack Haringa. Today it’s Brian Keene’s turn. As before, if you like these little stories, please consider a donation to the Shirley Jackson Awards.

Midlist horror writer found dead at Poe’s grave

BALTIMORE – 10/31/09 Writer Brian Keene was found dead near midnight Saturday night near Poe’s grave, having been stabbed 37 times by members of a local street gang.

Notes from Keene’s blog and Twitter account say he was in Baltimore doing research for an upcoming book called Gonzo Zombie, inspired by his literary hero, Hunter S Thompson. Witnesses reported seeing Keene near the cemetery at sundown wearing a slouch hat, sunglasses, and chewing a cigarette holder.

“I thought he was just another trick or treater,” said Aria Sanchez, a resident of the neighborhood. “Then he started grabbing people and demanding to see Omar, whoever the hell that is.”

The commotion drew the attention of several large young men from the neighborhood. Sanchez says Keene then shouted “This is bat country!” and hurled an empty bottle of Knob Creek at one of them. They took this as a racial epithet, and several of the men drew knives.

This is when Keene pulled out a large-caliber handgun and started shooting.

In his inebriated state, Keene managed to shoot holes in several gravestones but missed the young men completely. Most witnesses scattered as the fight began.

“My clients are innocent,” said James P Harding, the alleged assailants’ court-appointed defense attorney. “I have every confidence the court will find they acted in self defense.”

Statements filed by the youths paint the rest of the picture of the evening: after Keene ran out of bullets, he hopped onto Poe’s grave, shouting “I am the magus!” and babbling incoherently.

William Saunders, one of the young men facing charges, said “an electric crackle” ran through the air, and then the ground started to shake. The sound of fists pounding at the interior of nearby crypt doors rang out all around them.

Fearing for their lives, the young men attacked Keene and fled the scene.

Police continue to investigate the crime.

Article Comments

“Man, Keene was a gravy train on biscuit wheels. Guess that’s over now.” — Don D’Auria

“W00t! He was writing another zombie novel! Maybe Oliveri will finish it for him! They collaborated a lot!” — ZombieSlayer

“hells yeah!!1! zombies rule, werewolves drool! suck it, olizieri!” — ObLover2247

“Now my copy of 4×4 will be worth millions! Thanks, failed inner city social programs!” — Jim Thurmond

“Just announced! Delirium Books just found 100 lost copies of 4×4! Visit Horror Mall for details!” — Shane Staley

“Jesus H Christ in a chicken basket!” — Geoff Cooper

“It’s a hoax I tell you! Keene staged his own death! Just like the Beetles and the White Album!” — Sharon from York

“The Magus lives! Zombies are forever!” — KeeneFan

“ZOMG! Keene IS a zombie now!!!1!!ELEVENTY!!” — KeeneWORSHIPPER

“He was a hack.” — KoontzFan

“Eat a dick, KoontzFan! Keene wrote circles around your boy!” — KeeneWORSHIPPER

“He was suppressing the genre! Good riddance!” — Shockliner42

“Please. This is just Keene pulling another publicity stunt and now he can reveal he really was Adam Senft all along. I’ve drawn up a careful timeline of the lives of these two public figures, and can show you exactly where their paths intersect and how Senft is pulling the strings of a greater conspiracy to leverage horror to spread the word of Ob to the world. These Ob Gospels will bring about the end of the world and thrust as all deep into the Labyrinth. Let me just figure out how to work my scanner and I’ll post it.” — Truth Finder

“Does anyone have his wife’s email addy? I’d love to have his copy of Long Lost Friend so I can ensure he’ll still be the guest of honor at our convention next year.” — Anonymous

“Not if I get to it first! KeeneCon 3 at the HuntsVille Marriot, coming next Spring!” —

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

No comments

  1. Tod Clark says:

    HA, the article comments posts were CLASSIC.

  2. Mike Arnzen says:

    Hilarious! Loved the ‘credit roll’ of hilarity at the end.