I had a life insurance exam on Tuesday. The nurse came out to my house to do her measurements and collect blood and urine, and it wasn’t quite the experience I expected. As such, I thought I’d share a few tips for those of you who may face one of these exams yourself in the near future.
1) First of all, the nurse will not look anything like this:
Any dreams and desires that enter your head, just squash ’em right now. Chances are you’re getting a charging rhinoceros.
And thank God, Buddha, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whatever it is you hold dear that she isn’t required to watch you pee.
Which segues into…
2) Seriously, don’t drink a lot of water. I woke up at 6:30am and emptied the tank, then commenced drinking water so I’d be ready for the nurse at 8:00. I lost track of how many glasses I drank, but my belly was full by the time she showed up. Turns out she only needed about an ounce. She poured what she needed into two little test tubes and I spent the rest of the morning visiting the can more often than an old man with a prostate the size of a grapefruit.
3) She’s not going to look anything like this, either:
I can’t stress this enough.
4) The nurse will make small talk, but she is clearly in charge. The conversation will go like this: “Got kids? Awesome, me too. Stand up. Take a deep breath. Stand on this scale. No pets, huh? Oh, a cat? Cats suck. Sit down. Give me your arm. This is gonna hurt.”
And so on.
I suggest you don’t make her angry.
Rhinos charge when they’re angry.
5) They usually don’t have to take your temperature, but I suggest a few offerings to the deities that it stays that way, because we all know what the most accurate method for obtaining a human body’s temperature is, and that will only end in tears when it happens at your own kitchen table and there’s a perfect stranger on the giving end of the thermometer.
6) YOUR NURSE WILL NOT LOOK LIKE THIS:
7) You’re going to bleed. Can’t stand the sight of your own blood? Wear a blindfold. When I had an exam five years back, the nurse jabbed the needle straight into the tendon at the base of my biceps. This time around? I bled like a stuck pig and the bruise is still fading four days later.
8) The nurse will make herself at home. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not going to raid your fridge (as long as you don’t turn your back), but she’s used to visiting several homes and offices every day. To her they’re just another building, and she will come right in and find the nearest available surface upon which to set up shop unless you have your cattle prod charged and ready.
9) Don’t look her in the eye. That’s a sign of aggression.
10) Say hello to your nurse:
I survived, and hopefully with the help of these tips, you’ll survive your exam, too.
And now my corpse is worth about five times what my living, breathing, (mostly) ambulatory body is worth.
Don’t tell my wife.