Review: The Expendables

The Expendables is one of those flicks that should have been phenomenal, but because plot was an afterthought, it sucked ass.

So let me save you two hours of pointless action and horrible one-liners. Watch this instead:

You’re welcome.

In all seriousness, it’s not hard to see why Jean Claude Van Damme passed on the movie. It’s more like a parody of the action genre, only without the humor.

Worst of all, it’s boring. If you manage to gather up all of these action heroes and your flick is still boring, you’ve dropped the ball. The action scenes were okay, but everything stringing them together was a haphazard mess. The Willis and Schwarzenegger cameos are so thin they’d have ended up on the cutting room floor of any other movie, and Rourke’s role served no real purpose other than to let him show his face. They didn’t even bother to change Rourke’s look from his character in Iron Man 2. It’s like he drove off one studio lot and right on to the other.

Eric Roberts hams it up as the bad guy in a performance interchangeable with any of his other villain roles. Jet Li seems bored. Jason Statham tries to make the best of it. Steve Austin channels his anger with his agent into his character and plays one of the least intimidating interrogators ever. Terry Crews and Randy Couture are just be happy to be involved. I’m pretty sure Dolph Lundgren was drunk during filming. Stallone, meanwhile, does all of his usual posturing and flexing and strutting around.

Fight Fanboy Bonus: MMA vs WWE face-off as Couture goes head-to-head with Austin! Which will come out on top? Watch as it ends in a blur of bad CGI! Also, I’m pretty sure I caught a glimpse of Antonio Nogueira as one of the general’s soldiers, but he’s in a wide shot and it’s hard to tell for sure.

Notice I haven’t mentioned any females yet. There are three in the whole movie. One is eye candy, appearing in only one scene. Charisma Carpenter has a small role, which was probably bolted on after a studio exec suggested they add another female part. They attempt to use her to give depth to Statham’s character, and as it turns out, he’s the only one who gets any sort of story outside of the mercenary life. Then you have the female lead, Giselle Itié, in what appears to be her first Hollywood role. Her script: look pretty, look fierce, look pretty, get into trouble, look pretty, get rescued, look pretty.

Rambo‘s plot wasn’t much more complex, but it comes off as a far better movie than this piece of crap, suggesting Stallone could do a lot better if he really felt like it. Instead he just takes us through the motions and hopes we’re impressed with his casting agent.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

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