About This 2012 Apocalypse Business

If you really believe the world is going to end on December 21st, 2012, you’re an asshole.

With that out of the way, let’s talk about why.

The whole thing is predicated on a Mayan belief the world exists in cycles, and every 13,000 years there’s an apocalyptic event and the world is reborn. By most accounts, that will occur on 12/21/12.

The first question you should be asking yourself is “Am I a Mayan?” followed closely by “Do I believe in the Mayan religion?” If the answers to these questions are no and no, but you still think the world is going to end, then yeah, you’re an asshole. If you’re picking out this one aspect of their religion and rolling with it, knowing nothing about the rest of their beliefs and practices, then you really need to back off and rethink your own belief system.

This is doubly true if you’re a Christian, Muslim or Jew. In this case, you should be ignoring the Mayan apocalypse altogether. Putting your faith in their calculations would be akin to believing Zeus still rules Olympus. Are you drawing parallels between the Book of Revelations and the Mayan apocalypse? Nice try. Keep in mind your Bible says the world is only 6000 years old, so you’ve got 7000 more to go. They can’t both be right!

Still don’t think you’re an asshole? It gets better. The Mayans don’t believe in an apocalypse themselves. The 12/21/12 date is just the end of a calendar period. It’s like 12/31/99: we marked a new Century and the world didn’t end despite the panic over everything from technological collapse to fire raining from the skies. Also, the Gregorian date calculation may be way off. Matching up two different calendars is far from an exact science, especially when those calendars are centuries or millennia old.

Now you’re going to tell me you have plenty of evidence. That’s cool, so does this asshole. I love this guy’s page, because at the top he says Christ may return on June 21st, 2009. Well, that hasn’t happened. So then he goes on to talk about May 14, 2011, at 9:32AM EST. Can’t get much more specific than that, can you? Oh, wait, he has a disclaimer: “We are reminded in scripture that no one can know for sure the exact date of the Lord’s return, so I do not put this out as a prediction or a certainty, but only as a possibility or hypotheses.”

Whaaaat!? He has an exact time! If he’s going to be that precise, he needs to stick to his guns. He might as well just say “Please don’t call me an asshole. I’m just batshit insane. My hobbies include furious wanking and rolling my turds into tight little balls.”

So, you go ahead and take your book of Mayan evidence, then go visit this guy’s page and read all of his evidence. I’ll let you decide which one sounds more crazy. If they both sound good, then yep, you’re a huge asshole. Meanwhile, I’m going to set an alarm on my calendar for May 14, 2011, 9:32AM so I can run outside and watch the skies for the big nothing to happen.

The only reason people believe in this crap at all is some combination of fear, superstition, and a complete lack of understanding of what they’re talking about. Y2K was a perfect example: those of us (well, most of us) who worked with computers just shook our heads while some people were stockpiling water, canned goods, and bullets. Nothing happened at midnight that night, and we were able to get a little peace and quiet at work for a while as the crazies hid in their cubicles in embarrassment.

Please, stop being an asshole and live your life. Don’t just listen to crackpots and people making their own guesses, and especially don’t listen to someone trying to sell you something. You’ll feel a lot better.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.


  1. Yoyogod says:

    Sadly, my dad believes that in2012 the ancient astronauts will return and whisk us away in their spaceships. He watches the History Channel way too much.

  2. Noah L says:

    Thank you! The only thing December of 2012 is going to bring for me is a pain in the ass at the grocery store because everyone is going to buying all the bread, water, milk and canned food. I’ll have to stock up months in advance, not because the end of the world is coming but because idiots THINK it is!

  3. Mike says:

    Ahh, The History Channel. Tell your dad Hitler’s head will be leading the flying saucers out of his secret fortress in Argentina.

  4. As I previously predicted, the next 18-24 months will find apocalyptic prophecy on the rise; by January 2013, we’ll be talking free love and pizza.

  5. Sheri says:

    LOVE this post. My mom is ultra-religious, and had my terrified during my childhood that the world would end in 2000. I suffered from that, and swore I’d never bring my kids up in fear and torture them with religion. To my mom’s horror, they’re being raised as atheists like I’ve become. :-)

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