You Got Some ‘Splainin to Do, Ladies

Ladies. Do you wear a Bumpit? If so, I felt you should know dudes just don’t care. I have yet to talk to a guy who finds them attractive. They seem to be all the rage in the Peoria bar scene, but all we do is sit there and poke fun. It’s almost become a drinking game.


Bumpit Heads

Encephalitis kills, ladies.

This does not make us say “Wow, that’s hot!” This makes us say “Aww, what’s wrong with that otherwise-attractive girl’s freakishly enlarged head?”

Yes, we do have some interest in what you do with your hair. Some of you look good with long hair, some of you look good with short hair. We don’t want it shellacked to your head, and we’re a lot more forgiving of color than you may think. At some point after that we stop giving a shit.

What we don’t want, however, is to run our fingers through your hair and find a bear trap.


Concealed weapon.

I hope you also carry first aid kits in your purses when you’re wearing these.

So ladies, please, explain to me the appeal of these things. And guys, if the one or two of you out there could speak up and tell me what the appeal for you is, I’d appreciate it.

Then please make these things go away.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

One comment

  1. Kate Sherrod says:

    I’ve never heard the hairdo referred to as a Bumpit but I shall use said term henceforth. I think there are a couple of things going on here at once. We can lay a good bit of this at Sarah Palin’s door — and I would opine that young ladies seeking to emulate her style are sending very particular sociopolitical signals that boil down to “I am batshit crazy and I’m hunting for a sucker to cater to my whims” in which case you boys should be grateful for what amounts to warning colors like the bright hues on poisonous caterpillars and butterflies.

    In addition, full-faced girls are often told that if they have “height” in their hair it will slim their faces and make them look more like they have cheekbones and whatnot. This is a large part of why so many wretched girls in the 80s had that big, big hair, the then-modern version of the classic 60s bouffant or Bumpit.