Milk vs Milk(-ish Substance)

I have discovered the drink of death.

Some time ago, I read chocolate milk made a good post-workout drink because it contained more carbs and protein than white milk and could be as satisfying as any given sports drink. That worked for me, as I dig chocolate milk. It  even became part of breakfast. When I’m in a hurry and don’t have time to eat breakfast at home, I’d grab a sandwich and a Prairie Farms chocolate milk at the local Casey’s. It almost became a habit for a while, until I read the ingredients: high fructose corn syrup is number two on the list. D’oh.

The kiss of death? I looked at the nutrition label. Here’s the generic serving information, and note the little bottle I drank contained two servings.

Son of a...

440 calories in a drink? I’d be shocked if the sandwich had that many. My doctor will probably smack me upside the head for the cholesterol content, too. Yeah, the protein and carbs are there, but that’s not doing me much good on a non-workout day. Their chocolate milk is now off the menu. It tasted good but not great, so I don’t think it will be tough to wean myself off it. Yeah, there are other brands in the Casey’s cooler, but most of them are even worse in terms of the bad stuff.

Browsing those, however, is how I spotted Muscle Milk. What the hell, right? I grabbed a bottle this morning. It wasn’t until I handed over my moolah that I saw the part of the label obscured by the plastic cooler rack that said “Contains No Milk.” Hmm. But, the nutrition label didn’t look bad compared to the Prairie Farms label:

Not too shabby.

A bit more sodium, but fewer calories and a lot more protein, fiber, and all kinds of other good stuff. Today’s a weight-lifting day, so I took a chance. I took the bottle to work, shook it up, cracked it open. It looked a bit dark but smelled okay, so I took a drink.

It tasted like a weight lifter ate a box of chalk and shat in the bottle.

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating. I suppose just about anyone could have ate the chalk and shat in the bottle. Ever drink Maalox? You know that chalky, faux-minty flavor it pastes all the way down your throat and leaves an aftertaste like a blanket of death? Same thing going on here. Only, you know, more ass-like.

I guess I’ll stick to white milk, tea, or juice.

It’s really too bad Heartland Creamery can no longer distribute their own milk. A local IGA stocked their stuff, and it was amazing, tasty stuff. I used to pick up a bottle after karate class, then get my deposit back on the empty glass bottle and buy another one. I’m really going to miss it.

I wonder who I have to kill to get an Oberweis down here?

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

One comment

  1. Troy says:

    Too funny, Mike!

    Take care,
    Troy