Customer Disservice

I love Portillo’s. I know that. You know that.

At least, you do if you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, or have spoken to me about food.

About once a year or so I send them an email that amounts to “Hey, get your asses to Peoria!” These people confuse Arby’s roast beef or this shredded crockpot shit with real Italian beef, and even the places that claim “Chicago-style Italian beef” manage to screw it up every time. I explained this to Portillo’s.

Their response:

Thank you for your email. I appreciate your enthusiasm and humor; however, The Portillo Restaurant Group does not have any plans to expand further, as we are perfecting our newest concept – Honey Jam Café. We appreciate your input and will keep your comments on file as The Portillo Restaurant Group continues to grow. We value your patronage and look forward to serving you soon at our other locations throughout Chicagoland.

Mm hmm. Let me translate that for you:

Peoria sucks and we’re too busy making breakfast up in this bitch.

You’re boned.


Maybe next year.

Meanwhile, a local McDonald’s has been a pain in my ass. We very rarely visit McD’s because we’re not fast food fans, but sometimes you really do need food fast, or the kids just want to tear up the McD’s Playplace. Yet as rarely as we go, more often than not they manage to screw up the order: they forget pieces, they give us the wrong stuff, or it takes over fifteen minutes just to make a hamburger. As long as I was emailing restaurants, I hit them, too.

They emailed me back saying they were going to lay the smack down. Today, the local manager tried to call. Left a voice mail apologizing. They want to earn back my business.

I think she just wants to spit in my food personally.

And then there’s Tempur-Pedic. We got a bed from my sister-in-law, and one of the boards inside was busted. It took them three weeks just to verify the bed was under warranty. They then told me it would be 7-21 business days before a local delivery company called to exchange the broken platform.

They called today. It’s been over four weeks, or 23 business days. They’re allegedly coming on Friday to make the exchange. Meanwhile, the Wife and I moved the mattress to the floor to spare our backs over three weeks ago. That’s getting kind of old. They may make the comfiest beds on the planet, but their service is ridiculous. We went into a store and the guy couldn’t get us out of there fast enough after we told him we were looking for pillows. I think he had money on the baseball game he was watching.

Portillo’s disappointment aside, I think I’d get better customer service standing in front of the chimpanzee exhibit at the zoo.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

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