Archive for Evil

Speaking of Wind…

I had chili Friday, Sunday, and Monday.

The Wife’s in for a long night.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Captcha Craziness

Today I had the displeasure of jumping through the flaming hoops Microsoft sets up for legitimate customers to get in and download volume license software. Part of the process included those fun Captcha entries, but never before have I had entries as difficult to read as what Microshaft presented to me today.

For example:

Captcha 1Is this a trick question? Am I supposed to enter upside-down fonts (it’s possible), or am I supposed to read that second half and enter the word “about” normally? I just asked it for a new one rather than blowing a login attempt, and I was presented with:

Captcha 2Say what? I should have requested the audio translation and see what it gave me. I bet it would have been a robotic death rattle as the digital reader tried to commit seppuku. I clicked New again. Result:

Captcha 3

So much for third time’s a charm. I don’t know if it’s trying to make the character æ or if it’s just making fun of me.

After that I finally got something intelligible. Of course, then I had to go through two separate email verification processes before I finally got to the download I needed.

Thanks for wasting my time, Microsoft. This is why I love you like I do.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

The New Horror Meme

Taken from Brian Keene’s shenanigans at CONvergence.

BITCH, PLEASE

The horror... the horror...

The black socks and shoes really make the outfit.

Update: And then the meme continued.

BITCH, PLEASE MB

Once again, the shoes make the outfit.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

How Comfortable They Are Lying to You

We all know advertisers lie to us. It doesn’t take a genius to look at the Big Mac you were just handed, compare it to the one pictured on the menu, and realize something’s just not right. We also know women on magazine covers are endlessly Photoshopped to match them to some impossible vision of beauty.

But sometimes it’s the subtle things that stand out. Take, for example, this Harley-Davidson brochure I received in the mail the other day, advertising their new Blackline bike:

What’s wrong with this picture?

My first thought was They’re making a bike with pipes on the left? That can’t be right…

Then I noticed he’s riding on the wrong side of the road (I’m assuming he’s riding here in the States). Could they have mirrored the image? I looked closer at the tank, and sure enough, the text is mirrored. Some designer in marketing must have taken the original picture and flipped it to match the layout of his ad.

What’s the big deal, you ask? Well, for starters, you’re looking at the bike backwards. If you go to a dealership, do you look at the bikes’ reflections in the windows, or do you go look at the bikes?

But what really bothers me is they had to do it at all. Was there not a photo that matched the layout? If this is the best photo, should the designer not have just changed his layout? It’s like he said “Ah, nobody will notice” and clicked the button. Obviously he’s not a rider himself.

I also wonder who, if anyone, on the H-D side approved it. Surely the people in charge of marketing at H-D are familiar enough with their product they should have noticed something like this, even if they’re not riders. Or do they just let the ad designers fire things off without proofing?

Yeah, it’s a small thing, but that’s why it bothers me so much. I understand they’re going to tweak lighting, clean up blemishes, maybe even add gleam to chrome and make their bikes look great. Usually it’s not in your face. This is just a blatant, lazy edit that shouldn’t have gotten beyond the proofing stage.

And would it have killed them to put a much-needed comma in the headline? They have a period at the end, so can’t be a conscious decision to drop punctuation marks.

This is the kind of thing you expect in a poster advertising the three-man custom shop down the street, not a world-famous manufacturer.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

That Poor Bastard

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Your Modern World: Sorcerous Shenanigans

The headline says it all:

Ahmadinejad allies charged with sorcery

Wow. And this guy wants to get his hands on nuclear weapons. I was kinda scared about that happening before. Now I’m terrified.

"The goggles! They do nothing!"

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

It’s Always the Oliveri Kid

Yesterday my kid’s CCD class had their open house. I ate cookies and drank punch while the little dude showed the Wife around the room and pointed out all the crafts he had made throughout the year. They look at some stuff, then move on. The next family to look at that same section has a little girl who said “That one looks angry.”

That grabbed my attention. I see several little paper cutouts of kids stuck to a bulletin board. I wander over. I see a bunch of standard, happy little kid cutouts…

…and one screaming with rage.

He'll swallow your soul!

And, of course, it’s my kid. I’m half surprised the clothes weren’t stained with the blood of his enemies.

I was going to ask him about it, but I have a feeling he’d say he was fleeing in terror from Zombie Jesus. Then we’d both be in trouble.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Better Watch Out…

Santa Claus is coming to town.

Tonight I’m sleeping with my 9.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

It’s not an Oliveri project…

…unless people are dying.

Witness my son’s diorama of the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa María for his 1st grade class:

Abandon Ship!

Jumped overboard... or thrown?

Yeah, parent-teacher conferences should be interesting this year.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Happy Deathday, Honey!

The Wife’s birthday is this Sunday, 10/10/10.

I think that means she’s going to get super powers.

Of course, it also occurs to me this could be a very bad thing, kind of like planets aligning, the sun going nova, or women getting the vote.* The birthday party could very well go something like this:

*Um, sure. Of course that was sarcasm.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Insurance Exam Advice

I had a life insurance exam on Tuesday. The nurse came out to my house to do her measurements and collect blood and urine, and it wasn’t quite the experience I expected. As such, I thought I’d share a few tips for those of you who may face one of these exams yourself in the near future.

1) First of all, the nurse will not look anything like this:

Helloooooo, nurse!

Helloooooo, nurse!

Any dreams and desires that enter your head, just squash ’em right now. Chances are you’re getting a charging rhinoceros.

And thank God, Buddha, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whatever it is you hold dear that she isn’t required to watch you pee.

Which segues into…

2) Seriously, don’t drink a lot of water. I woke up at 6:30am and emptied the tank, then commenced drinking water so I’d be ready for the nurse at 8:00. I lost track of how many glasses I drank, but my belly was full by the time she showed up. Turns out she only needed about an ounce. She poured what she needed into two little test tubes and I spent the rest of the morning visiting the can more often than an old man with a prostate the size of a grapefruit.

3) She’s not going to look anything like this, either:

Dream on

Dream on, fella.

I can’t stress this enough.

4) The nurse will make small talk, but she is clearly in charge. The conversation will go like this: “Got kids? Awesome, me too. Stand up. Take a deep breath. Stand on this scale. No pets, huh? Oh, a cat? Cats suck. Sit down. Give me your arm. This is gonna hurt.”

And so on.

I suggest you don’t make her angry.

Rhinos charge when they’re angry.

5) They usually don’t have to take your temperature, but I suggest a few offerings to the deities that it stays that way, because we all know what the most accurate method for obtaining a human body’s temperature is, and that will only end in tears when it happens at your own kitchen table and there’s a perfect stranger on the giving end of the thermometer.

6) YOUR  NURSE WILL NOT LOOK LIKE THIS:

I... I need to go lie down now.

I... I need to go lie down now.

7) You’re going to bleed. Can’t stand the sight of your own blood? Wear a blindfold. When I had an exam five years back, the nurse jabbed the needle straight into the tendon at the base of my biceps. This time around? I bled like a stuck pig and the bruise is still fading four days later.

8) The nurse will make herself at home. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not going to raid your fridge (as long as you don’t turn your back), but she’s used to visiting several homes and offices every day. To her they’re just another building, and she will come right in and find the nearest available surface upon which to set up shop unless you have your cattle prod charged and ready.

9) Don’t look her in the eye. That’s a sign of aggression.

10) Say hello to your nurse:

I SAID DON'T LOOK HER IN THE EYE!

I SAID DON'T LOOK HER IN THE EYE!

I survived, and hopefully with the help of these tips, you’ll survive your exam, too.

And now my corpse is worth about five times what my living, breathing, (mostly) ambulatory body is worth.

Don’t tell my wife.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Never Take a Dump in Japan

This is a truly epic porta-potty prank.

The first prank is bad enough, but the second version of the prank near the end is even meaner.

Not that it stopped me from laughing at these poor bastards…

There are a several more pranks here, some funny and some just plain stupid.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.