Rappelling out a window with a dude’s intestines? I’m there!

Yeah, it’s cheesy, but with Rodriguez you can be sure it’s going to be fun.

Just... Just kill me. Please.

When does this stop? A wiser man than I recently said:

“Talent sustains and bullshit fails to sell after a very short while.”

I hope so. Look, for all I know, this Porter Grand guy crafts better prose than any other writer on the planet. The part that bothers me is this remix stuff is just so easy. Apparently all I have to do now to land a Del Rey or other mass market contract is take an old book and throw in monsters.

The Bride of Frankenstein’s Scarlet Letter. BOOM! Where’s my check, bitches!?

Or better yet, maybe I’ll start a new trend: everything with ninjas. Uncle Tom’s Ninja, or maybe The Ninja and the Pauper. When that crapfest trend dies down, I’ll step it up with the pirates: The Picture of Dorian Blackbeard. I’ll make mad cash and retire to a Caribbean island.

This business never ceases to amaze me.

Uh huh. Guess I better start speaking to some people about that Illinois earthquake a couple months back, and tell the school board they better set up a burkha budget before the next quake hits. Oh, and we’ll have to watch for California to slide into the ocean on Monday when the Boobquake hits!

Really, Iran? These are the people you want ruling your country? Nothing like keeping a nation under your thumb with fear and superstition.

Oh, right. I forgot some people want that for us, too.

1) First of all, the nurse will not look anything like this:

Helloooooo, nurse!

Any dreams and desires that enter your head, just squash ‘em right now. Chances are you’re getting a charging rhinoceros.

And thank God, Buddha, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whatever it is you hold dear that she isn’t required to watch you pee.

Which segues into…

2) Seriously, don’t drink a lot of water. I woke up at 6:30am and emptied the tank, then commenced drinking water so I’d be ready for the nurse at 8:00. I lost track of how many glasses I drank, but my belly was full by the time she showed up. Turns out she only needed about an ounce. She poured what she needed into two little test tubes and I spent the rest of the morning visiting the can more often than an old man with a prostate the size of a grapefruit.

3) She’s not going to look anything like this, either:

Dream on, fella.

I can’t stress this enough.

4) The nurse will make small talk, but she is clearly in charge. The conversation will go like this: “Got kids? Awesome, me too. Stand up. Take a deep breath. Stand on this scale. No pets, huh? Oh, a cat? Cats suck. Sit down. Give me your arm. This is gonna hurt.”

And so on.

I suggest you don’t make her angry.

Rhinos charge when they’re angry.

5) They usually don’t have to take your temperature, but I suggest a few offerings to the deities that it stays that way, because we all know what the most accurate method for obtaining a human body’s temperature is, and that will only end in tears when it happens at your own kitchen table and there’s a perfect stranger on the giving end of the thermometer.

6) YOUR  NURSE WILL NOT LOOK LIKE THIS:

I... I need to go lie down now.

7) You’re going to bleed. Can’t stand the sight of your own blood? Wear a blindfold. When I had an exam five years back, the nurse jabbed the needle straight into the tendon at the base of my biceps. This time around? I bled like a stuck pig and the bruise is still fading four days later.

The nurse will make herself at home. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not going to raid your fridge (as long as you don’t turn your back), but she’s used to visiting several homes and offices every day. To her they’re just another building, and she will come right in and find the nearest available surface upon which to set up shop unless you have your cattle prod charged and ready.

9) Don’t look her in the eye. That’s a sign of aggression.

10) Say hello to your nurse:

I SAID DON'T LOOK HER IN THE EYE!

I survived, and hopefully with the help of these tips, you’ll survive your exam, too.

And now my corpse is worth about five times what my living, breathing, (mostly) ambulatory body is worth.

Don’t tell my wife.

I try to limit my bottled water consumption anyway. With rare exceptions, I only buy cases because I can get 24 bottles for less than $3.00 versus the $1.00-$1.50 gas stations and supermarkets charge for single bottles. We filter our tap water at home, but it’s more convenient to have bottles handy at work and at the karate dojo. Furthermore, I recycle every one of those bottles by taking the empties to the town recycling bin. I tried to refill a bigger bottle for a while, but it broke after three days.

Time to start rethinking my plan. If the video’s recycling comments are correct, recycling isn’t yet having near the impact we’re led to believe it is. And while I keep my bottle consumption to a minimum, I’m still going through many more bottles than I should be. I didn’t sweat it so much when I lived back up north and our town’s water was horrible with radon and the occasional bacteria spike, but my new home’s tap water is just fine, especially after it’s run through the filter we put on the faucet.

I’m not usually a big environmental nut, but it’s hard to argue that I’ve been sucked in by corporate marketing. Even if I’m not completely buying into the “I need bottled water!” message, I’ve at least become lazy about carrying my own water around.

I need to do some shopping after karate tonight. I think it’s time to look for a good, sturdy, refillable bottle. The little metal ones we bought our kids to carry to school are a good start, I’ll just need to look for something bigger. I’ll probably update this post with what I find, if anything.

UPDATE:

Some friends recommended the following bottles:

Klean Kanteen
WaterWeek

I may check those out. In the meantime I bought a simple, BPA-free, 32-ounce plastic bottle with a carrying loop. 32 ounces should get me through most karate classes, and worst case I just fill up from the dojo’s tap. I did see a nice metal bottle with a plastic screw top and a carabiner, but it only came in a nasty orange color. I can afford to be vain until I spot one in black or blue, right?

Hell, I can show you that in one short video and save you five minutes:

Yes, some cops are dicks. They don’t hand out reason and common sense with guns & badges. However, there are better ways to show your displeasure than setting yourself up for a hassle or getting your ass kicked.

Lego brick? Jenga cube?

Writer Warren Ellis has some good thoughts about what this layout and design is actually saying about US post-9/11 policy, but in looking at the architecture itself, I’m wondering where the engineers pulled their inspiration from.

Could it be:

The banner goes on during the unveiling

Or maybe they’re Star Trek geeks:

You will be democratized!

Either way, it’s definitely a cold, boring structure. They may as well have modeled it after a balled-up porcupine and surrounded it with concertina wire. It’s the sort of place I’d expect to go to die in Soylent Green, or to get waterboarded by Dick Cheney.

And it still amuses me to no end.

Here's a bird for ya, cat!

Today’s Workday:

I’m sure someone makes a pill for this.