Tag Archive for costumes

Trick-or-Treat!

The Oliveris don’t screw around on Halloween: we walk door-to-door until our legs give out, hitting every single house with the porch light on. We see a lot of people driving their kids around, or only visiting certain houses, and that just doesn’t make sense to me.

The Rugrats in Costume

Morticia, a chainsaw killer, and a Grim Reaper

My kids all opt to dress as something horror-related, which makes me a proud papa. It bums me out seeing all these kids dressed as clowns, fairies, princesses, bugs, and (this year) Cardinals baseball players. Yeah, I know that’s their idea of fun, but come on! It’s Halloween, people! Haunted houses and ghost stories! While we did see a few other reapers, skeletons, and ghost-faced killers, they were in the minority.

Little Bird Snarling

Tomorrow she cuts her first black metal album

We chose a new route this year, and according to Google Maps we logged a hair over two miles. I was ready to take the kids down three more blocks, but they were done. In fact, the oldest had collected so much loot, the handles on his bag broke just as we hit the last block before home.

Chainsaw Killer

"Leatherface was a pussy!"

We got our first religious paraphernalia this year, too. Some old lady handed out a little booklet called “The Devil’s Night” and a book on 101 favorite Bible stories. The latter is a full-sized book and is actually kind of nice, but the little pamphlet is a comic book telling kids Halloween is evil and leads them to witchcraft. I’ll scan it and post it when I have time. It’s pretty bad, even for what it’s trying to do.

Phantom Reaper

"Your candy... or your SOUL!"

The middle child, dressed as a reaper, didn’t get anything from the old lady. I didn’t hear the conversation and didn’t find out what they got until after we were walking away, but the kids said she claimed she only had two books left. I half wonder if she figured the poor little guy was already damned and she didn’t want to go near him.

If only I’d refilled my Zippo…

Trick-or-Treat Loot

They made out like bandits!

On a positive note, we also ran into our first adult trying to scare people. I spotted a scarecrow on a porch, and I thought it looked a little sketchy so I kept my flashlight on him as the kids approached. Just before they got to the door, he jumped up and said “Happy Halloween!” The kids jumped and I got a good laugh out of it. Good to see some people in town still have the Halloween spirit. I heard another family had a haunted house in their garage and gave out full-sized candy bars to everyone who went through, so we’ll have to look for them next year.

All in all, we had a good night and landed more candy than the kids will be able to eat for the next few months. We got so much, in fact, the Wife and I are taking two gallon bags of the stuff to our respective workplaces, and we still have more than enough left for the kids.

Now that the kids are getting a little older, maybe next year we can look at decorating our own place. Muhahahahahah!

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

The Grim Disparity Between Fantasy and Reality

When you hear the word nurse, what do you think of?

If you’re a guy — or, at least, me — this won’t be far off the mark:

I really need to get my wife into one of these

I really need to get my wife into one of these

Sadly, the reality is a lot more like this:

Goodbyyyyyyye, Nurse!

Goodbyyyyyyye, Nurse!

How did the medical industry get it so wrong?

Or is it the porn industry that got it wrong…

Either way, it’s a disparity I don’t understand. It’s not like the history of nursing has done our deepest fantasies any favors:

Just one look cures priapism.

One look cures priapism.

Yeah. That just screams sexy.

Then there’s the whole problem of scenario.

Porn: “I stubbed my toe. Can we have sex now?”

Reality: “*Hack, cough, wheeze!* I’m sick. *Achoo!* Is there somewhere I can throw up?”

Again, one of these things is not like the other. On the rare occasion I encountered an attractive nurse, I had pneumonia. Had I been single and interested, I can’t imagine any conversation that might have lead to a positive outcome.

“I promise I’m rather suave when I’m not coughing up viscous, green phlegm and carrying a 103-degree fever. Can I have your phone number?”

That would have her throwing herself across the x-ray table, wouldn’t it? I even pissed her off by ruining two x-ray films because I couldn’t hold my breath for longer than five seconds. Not to mention the whole coughing in her hair thing. (Hey, she saw my chart. She’s the one who told me to take a deep breath when I have a chestful of lungmung. She could have just fired up the nuke machine instead of busting out the stethoscope, but noooo, she had to play doctor.) In that kind of shape, I bet even George Clooney couldn’t have scored her phone number.

Of course when you’re well, hot nurses become an endangered species. Nothing beats being told to watch your cholesterol intake and to get plenty of exercise by someone who had to buy a reinforced chair. I also know of a clinic that probably had to reinforce the floor to support the nursing staff. One quickly becomes thankful that nurse uniforms are designed the way they are.

Reality sucks like that.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.