First of all, every time she has to go somewhere, the path is frought with peril. Whether she’s visiting the library or her grandmother, she has to take these long, roundabout paths through forests, mountains, and caves. If that weren’t enough, there are usually obstacles such as crocodiles, snakes, giant spiders, and even trolls. Would you want your six-year-old trying to find a safe path through a den of vipers? I think not.

You may say “But Mike, her cousin Diego does the same thing!” True. However, Diego is an animal rescuer. Diego’s in the jungle doing his job, and one would presume he has training to cope with such things. He also has a the wicked cool Rescue Pack which turns into anything he could ever need, from a hang glider to a toboggan.

Which brings me to Dora’s next problem: her hungry, hungry backpack. This thing will eat anything. What if Boots strays too close? Kiss his red ass goodbye. At least it gives back to Dora, though. It has a lot of things she might need, but never anything of real utility. For example, can you say machete, kiddies? How about pistola? Scissors to cut down the troll’s net is nice, but wouldn’t be easier to put a bullet in his head?

A bullet would nicely handle her next villain, Swiper the Fox. What kind of bastard steals anything and everything he can from a little girl? Dora could just stay home or, you know, have mom drive her to grandma’s house. Instead she has to expose herself to Swiper the masked kleptomaniac.

Today I discovered Swiper is the least of her worries. As she made her way to the library today, Dora was chased by an old witch who looked like the kiddie-eating, gingerbread house-living type. Dora the Explorer becomes Dora the Dinner, with a side of bush meat. (Though I hope the trio of musician insects become appetizers. They’re annoying.) A good machete would discourage the witch nicely, I should think.

I’m sure the creators meant well and all, but poor Dora, if she keeps flirting with danger like this I fear she’s not long for this world.