Tag Archive for holidays

Hallmark Can Bite It

The Wife and I braved the Valentine’s Day crowds this evening and hit a Mexican restaurant we hadn’t tried before. We had to wait for a seat, but the margaritas and the meal were well worth it. We had a pleasant conversation, a quiet night with the kids, and generally spent some quality time together.

All without buying cheesy cards, overpriced flowers, or any other ridiculous gimmick the greeting card and related industries insist we have to buy to prove our love.

Truth is, we wouldn’t have bothered at all if the Wife’s church didn’t have a free babysitting service set up this evening. See, we know it’s the the displays outside these holidays that really count. We arrange dates like this with babysitters or one of our parents from time to time, and then we have the bonus of not having to deal with the Valentine’s Day crowds.

I feel sorry for the guys out there who get guilt trips from their wives and girlfriends when they don’t come through on Valentine’s Day. Birthdays and anniversaries, fine, but Valentine’s Day? Ugh. (For the record, Sweetest Day is even worse.) While the Wife and I have celebrated Valentine’s Day in the past, neither of us gets too concerned when it doesn’t happen.

For the guys who have to deal with this monster on an annual basis, I have a suggestion: tell your girl about Steak & a BJ Day. If she’s going to insist you profess your love with some tchotchke, and then she’s going to throw a “you don’t love me!” tantrum when you don’t come through (or come through well enough), then you have every right to expect your steak and blow job on March 14th. Furthermore, you officially have every right to throw a similar tantrum if she refuses to deliver.

You’re welcome.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Deck the Halls with Streams of Vomit

Our house looks something like this today:

I don’t know what this bug is, but it’s taking us down one family member at a time. I thought I was going to dodge the bullet until 3:30am last night when I woke up and launched last night’s home-made sliders into the crapper at about 90 miles per hour.

From both ends.

I would have thought last night’s purges left me empty, but when I got out of bed my stomach managed to conjure up something out of somewhere and promptly got rid of it. I think it may have been my spleen. Ah well, at least I can live without it.

I’m not sure how much more this holiday can suck: more snow is following the Icy Doom and Great Arctic Death, the whole family is sick, and the dog died. All that’s left now is for Santa to show up, kick me square in the nuts, fuck my wife, and sic the Krampus on my kids.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spin up my favorite Christmas carol, Bad Religion’s “Fuck Christmas”.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Blackest Friday

My retail days are ten years behind me, but my hatred for Black Friday hasn’t waned.

It’s long been my contention that the holidays, despite their outward appearance of peace and happiness, actually bring out the worst in people. This year, the masses trumped their usual selfish belligerence by trampling a Wal-Mart employee to death. Even while the worker was dead on the floor, they continued shopping and went on home with their purchases after management closed the store.

Tim Daly suggested jailing the participants, and I’m all for that suggestion. The store just opened, which means any sales came from people in that crowd. Pull the register data, and you’ve got the names and addresses of anyone who paid by check, and at least the names of those who paid by credit card. Bring them all in, and prosecute anyone who can be matched up to the worst of the behavior on store surveillance videos, particularly those who instigated the crush or pushed down the dead man.

This is just day one. We’ve got four more weeks of crowds and traffic to put up with. I hope there won’t be any more deaths, but I’m sure we’ll hear about fights over the latest and greatest toy any time now.

So go ahead, shoppers. Save those pennies and go on pretending the holidays are about anything more than money. I’m going to stay home and watch this Monty Python’s Flying Circus marathon on BBC America.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Christmas… Meh.

I’ve come to a compromise with the holidays: I’m still not a big fan, but it is cool to experience it through my kids.

Someone once asked if I felt guilty letting the kids believe Santa exists. I thought about it for a second or two, and realized no, I don’t. If I’m okay with convincing them zombies exist and that the Krampus will come if they don’t stop fighting on Christmas Eve, I shouldn’t have any problem letting them believe a fat man in a red suit is breaking into the house and leaving gifts under a tree.

The Midget is at just the right age this year. He has no reason to disbelieve Santa yet, nor has he quite started reasoning out the details like how Santa gets in the house since we don’t have a chimney. Yet he insisted on laying out the milk and cookies for Santa himself, and he wanted us to leave a light on to make sure Santa could find them. At the end of the night he hustled his brother off to bed to make sure they’d both be asleep so Santa will come.

That innocence and sense of wonder is something to behold. It makes it easy to forget the grasping and clawing holiday crowds and the false faces they put on for the one time of year they feel obligated to be good. It’s a special thing so far behind me that I couldn’t even begin to feel what the Midget must feel when he comes downstairs in the morning and sees the pile of gifts waiting for him.

Maybe I should think about that the next time I tell him the scratchy noise out front is the monster trying to find a way into the house. :)

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.