I think I solved the mystery of why the media doesn’t list third-party presidential candidates: a lot of them are unelectable whackjobs.
Let’s start simple, shall we? Consider Gene Amondson. Judging by his website, Gene’s primary goal is to promote his web designer. Nothing says you’re a valid presidential candidate like a front page that has absolutely nothing to do with you or your platform. And look! Gene’s also a wood carver and pie cook. Isn’t that swell? Wading past all that crap, we finally discover Gene is running on the Prohibition Party ticket.
Yes, it’s exactly what you think: ol’ Gene wants to ban alcohol. Because, you know, Prohibition worked so well the first time around.
Fortunately it appears Gene’s more interested in making a point and promoting his Billy Sunday impersonations than actually becoming president, so let’s move on.
Meet Da Vid, the candidate fronting the Light Party. Mr. Vid is full of love. He thinks peace and love will save the world, and wants to replace “liberty and justice for all” with “health, peace and freedom for all.” He’s even going to build a snazzy Global Peace Center that will be a shining beacon for all humanity to embrace his message of love.
The guy’s a frickin’ Care Bear. Maybe he can team up with Gene up there and replace booze with pot and patchouli. Then we can all hold hands and head for the Global Peace Center (complete with prerequisite pyramid) where we’ll all drink the Kool-Aid and catch the next ride to Heaven.
Think I’m being too harsh? Behold The Metacube. Tell me that’s not the result of a three-day acid binge. Now he wants to share his vision with you. The Metacube will use its wondrous holographic imagery to teach you things, and you will enjoy such “Artaining” artifacts as The Violet Flame Initiation and A Comic Christmas Celebration (ooh! Parts 1and 2!). No more bombs, bullets and boobs to harsh your mellow.
You know, this guy just may have a shot. Because as well all know, everybody loves brainwashing.
Last but not least, we have my favorite candidate, Jack Grimes. I’ll let his picture do the talking:
Looking at the head of the United Fascist Union, I think we finally know what became of Ogre following the events in Revenge of the Nerds. How is Jack an unelectable crackpot? Let us count the ways.
First, he’s even less web-savvy than Gene Amondson. Jack can’t even be bothered to register his own domain name, and has instead co-opted somebody else’s Tripod account. I didn’t even know Tripod still existed, but there it is, powering the web for crackpots who can’t spring for three bucks a month.
Second, just look at that helmet.
Third, nothing endears a candidate to the people like touting the political ideals of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein.
Fourth, just look at that helmet.
Fifth, snazzy matching uniforms for himself and his intended First Lady. Yeah. That’s sexy.
Sixth? You guessed it! Just. Look. At. That. HELMET! Only one man’s is more awe inspiring.
Okay okay, so he looks like a douchebag. Let’s at least give his issues a chance. I’ll start with the FAQ. It says I can make big bucks if I click on… oh, wait. That’s the Tripod pop-up ad. I’ll try again.
Ah, here we go. Blah blah blah… fascism… yadda yadda… class struggle… blah blah… Saddam Hussein… Wait! What’s this? “I would also halt urban sprawl by reviving center cities across America & enacting rules of public conduct that police would rigidly enforce.”
Ooh, Thoughtcrime! I can’t wait to see how that would work. I wonder if it will involve snazzy helmets?
Then he tells us what he’d tackle first in his Presidential Priorities.
Numero uno? Abolish paper money and replace it with a work point system. Apparently you get credit for the work you do, which you can then use to buy things. How novel! Screw salary, I want work credits! His second priority is to make things cheaper. No, really, that’s it: make things cheaper. I’m guessing work at the Chuck E. Cheese hasn’t been very fulfilling for Mr. Grimes.
Finally (yep, that’s right, three whole priorities), he intends to “create a league of nine or ten nations that would form a Confederacy of States to create a global government.” Nine or ten? Thanks for being specific. Dare I ask which nations? I get the feeling Chavez and Ahmadinejad will be numbers 2 and 3 in his Fave 5SM. Maybe Jack will bring helmets to their first summit.
So I get it now. The mainstream media isn’t going to give lip service to crackpots, even if it would be worth a few laughs and might jack up ratings. I say we force the media to give people like Grimes the attention they so richly deserve! On election day, I’ll be wearing the following button on my lapel:
“Vote Grimes 2008. Just for spite.”
About Mike Oliveri
Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.