Category Archives: Idiocy

Bipartisanship is Killing Us

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We’ve lost the middle ground. Whether discussing the economy, guns, abortion, or religion, too many people—especially our politicians—take one side and treat it as an absolute. Their way is the only way, and the media drives the wedge in deeper by encouraging the rest of us to choose sides.

This has to stop.

What was more painful about Romney’s now-infamous 47% statement: his gall to state it in such a demeaning manner, or the fact that it hit home so hard? The zombie-like devotion to one side or the other has disgusted me for a long time, and it’s been rubbed in our faces more and more during the last few elections.

When all we do is choose sides and shout at one another, nothing gets done. The refusal to sit down and discuss both sides of an issue to find a reasonable solution is beyond counter-productive, it’s damn near political sabotage.

The shocking violence at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT yesterday is the most recent in a string of mass violence that we’ve been faced with in recent years. I work in a school district, and we have a K-4 building. Every day I watch those children file out of the building while waiting for my own kids. Sandy Hook is as horrific as it gets.

The moment the news hit, the gun comments started on Twitter and Facebook. “Great, now we’re going to have people trying to ban guns again! You can’t take away my Constitutional right!” Fuck you. “See, we told you guns were evil! Ban them now!” Fuck you, too.

I’m a gun owner. I live in a community of hunters. Yesterday I received a Christmas card that included a photo of a 3rd grader holding a hunting rifle with a scope. Guns do not signify evil to everyone, and there are families who bond in activities involving guns, just as mine did with target shooting.

However, I also do not support the NRA (more on that in a moment). I have an Illinois-issued Firearms Owner ID card, and I don’t look at it as a grave infringement of my rights (in fact, it’s laughably easy to obtain). I do think waiting periods are ridiculous and ineffective, but again, I don’t view them as some tremendous violation of my rights. I support concealed carry, but I don’t believe guns and carry permits should be issued to everyone who wants one.  I don’t even fear gun registration, and I’d be willing to discuss registration as a part of concealed carry.

The NRA causes as many problems as it solves. They do a great job of supporting families who are gun owners, of supporting hunters, and of pointing out the many instances were firearms were used in defense of life. However, they do a shit job of doing anything to prevent  guns from getting into the hands of the wrong people. Take the Operation Fast & Furious scandal, for example: Fast & Furious was hampered at least as much by poor legislative support than it was the incompetence and in-fighting of federal agents.

The NRA should be front-and-center helping create solutions, not entrenching itself with the tired old “out of my cold, dead hands” statement.

This is why, even as a gun owner, I signed the White House petition to immediately address the issue of gun control through the introduction of legislation in Congress. I’m not sure I could have stated it any clearer than this:

The goal of this petition is to force the Obama Administration to produce legislation that limits access to guns. While a national dialogue is critical, laws are the only means in which we can reduce the number of people murdered in gun related deaths.

Powerful lobbying groups allow the ownership of guns to reach beyond the Constitution’s intended purpose of the right to bear arms. Therefore, Congress must act on what is stated law, and face the reality that access to firearms reaches beyond what the Second Amendment intends to achieve.

The signatures on this petition represent a collective demand for a bipartisan discussion resulting in a set of laws that regulates how a citizen obtains a gun.

I just hope our congressmen have the balls to find the middle ground and are willing to keep extreme lobby groups like the Brady Center and the NRA from sabotaging real progress.

If past behavior is any indicator, nothing will change, and before long we’ll have another incident like Sandy Hook or Aurora and the discussion fight will start all over. Then die down again. And again, nothing will get done.

Remember the definition of insanity, folks? I give you the United States bipartisan political system.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. His Bram Stoker Award-winning first novel, Deadliest of the Species, was just reprinted by Evileye Books.

Halfway Halloween

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The Oliveris had a good Halloween this year. The Rugrats loved the costumes they picked out, and they got to wear them to two Halloween parties and for trick-or-treating. We logged a little over two miles knocking on doors tonight, and this year Little Bird stayed in the lead most of the time. Twice we ran into little kids who got scared of the Rugrats’ costumes, and there were several comments from candy giver outers (it’s a technical term) about their scary costumes.

Ghost-Faced Killer

The Ghost-Faced Killer stalks his prey

However, our community fell short for Halloween this year.

This town has set hours for trick-or-treating, and even then kids are only supposed to knock at houses with the porch light on. This year, those houses were fewer and farther between than any year we’ve gone trick-or-treating. Even houses we knew usually participated had their lights off.

We also saw fewer trick-or-treaters out and about. The far side of one street is usually choked with traffic, and there are often cars driving all up and down the streets as parents watch their children or ferry them from block to block. This year? Hardly any traffic at all. We ran into a few small groups of kids, but never did we have to wait in line at some houses for other kids to move on.

In the end, while we did have a good haul of candy, it was around half the size of what we usually get, even in the years we walked shorter routes.

I wish I had an explanation for it. I can’t imagine it’s a religious objection, as it’s never been a problem in the past (at least, not a big one). The economy? Candy’s not that expensive. I suppose it could be an activity at the school, but we generally work around holidays (and even then, it would only affect the high school students). Even the cooler temps and chill breeze haven’t deterred trick-or-treaters in the past.

Whatever the cause, I hope it doesn’t become the norm. Halloween is the one holiday that hasn’t had the fun sucked out of it for one reason or another. The kids and I look forward to visiting the Halloween store for months in advance, and we know we’ll be home to go trick-or-treating.

If I find out in the paper tomorrow that some whackjob is trying to kill Halloween in our community, it’s going to be war.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. His Bram Stoker Award-winning first novel, Deadliest of the Species, was just reprinted by Evileye Books.

It’s Not Rocket Science, People

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Two days in a row, ignorant people cut in front of me in lines.

On Sunday, it was an old man at a restaurant. I stood a few feet back from the person at the register so I wouldn’t block the lane into the dining area, and I had my credit card and my check in my hand. Along comes the old man, right past me to the register, both cutting in front of me and blocking traffic. He leaned hard on a four-post cane and I wasn’t in a hurry, so I decided to laugh it off because I’m sure I could have stood there a lot longer than he could.

Tonight, I waited in line behind someone at the photo counter at Wally World. I didn’t want to crowd her, so I stood about four feet back and leaned on a display. Along comes over-tanned, bleach-blonde valley girl (if I had a five spot for every time she said “like,” I’d have left the store a rich man), who goes straight to the counter to my left. The instant the other woman left with her photos, this girl jumps in. Had she just been picking up photos, I may have let it fly. I have less patience for arguments than I do pinheads.

Instead it was a big production about her camera card. As she dragged the counter person over to the kiosks, I said “No, go ahead, I wasn’t waiting in line at all.”

Blondie shot me a look like I’m the asshole. Fortunately the register jockey figured it out and excused herself to get my photo.

It’s not having to wait longer that bothers me, or the inconvenience, it’s the simple fact these people did not even bother to look around and see if they’re about to give someone the shaft. Is it that difficult to be courteous to people, whether in line, in traffic, or at the movie theater?

“Are you in line?” is not a difficult question to ask. Or hell, simply wait a second and see if the other guy steps up to the counter. If not, you’re golden.

Take the blinders off, people. There are a number of reasons to always be aware of the people around us, and courtesy is just one of them.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. His Bram Stoker Award-winning first novel, Deadliest of the Species, was just reprinted by Evileye Books.

Collaborators vs. Leeches

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A friend hit me up for a collaboration two nights ago. I want to do it for three key reasons:

  1. I trust this guy.
  2. I know he’d put in the effort.
  3. He was up front about the terms of the contract and the split.

This is what makes a good collaboration. This is why I was happy to work with guys like Brian Keene, Jesus Gonzalez, and Mike Huyck in the past.

Leeches make me cringe. These are the idea guys, but a notch worse.

These guys tell you they have a killer idea that will make a fortune, and they want you to write it for them, gratis.

Of course, in their eyes, it’s not gratis. They think their idea is gold. They think it will make a fortune for you both and you’re stupid for not dashing off to the keyboard with all speed. Of course you’ll still get rich only getting 10%; this idea is gold, remember, dumbass? It doesn’t matter they have no production/editorial input other than to encourage your keyboard jockeying skills.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Again, writers are passionate about their own ideas, or they get paid to be passionate about others’ ideas. As cynical as that may sound, that’s how the business works. “For the love” doesn’t put food on the table, and writing someone else’s stuff for the love takes us away from things that may potentially put food on the table.

If you have an idea, make it happen. Sit down and write. Learn the craft.

Do the work.

If that idea is really golden, congrats! You’re published. If not, you’ll have learned something for the next idea.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. His Bram Stoker Award-winning first novel, Deadliest of the Species, was just reprinted by Evileye Books.

Reviews Are Not a Form of Protest

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My man Shawn has his Goodreads and Twitter accounts tied together, and this popped up today:

The man generally has good taste in books (I know this because he reads my stuff), and I dig that title, so I popped over to Amazon to learn a little more about the book. $12.99? Hmm. But we’ll get to that in a minute. I scrolled down and eyeballed the reviews. It had a fair amount of four- and five-star reviews, but also a couple each of one-, two-, and three-star reviews. I normally discount one-star reviews because they tend to focus on a specific, personal beef, but I decided to check them out anyway.

I was right, they’re useless. What’s more, they were offensive. Check it:

Amazon 1-star review 1

Amazon 1-star review 2

I tend to agree $12.99 is expensive for an e-book. At that price point, I, too, will be holding off on my purchase until either my to-read pile shrinks or I have a little extra spending cash. However, a review is not the place to air these beefs. A review should be about the book, not about your irritation with the publisher.

Would you beat up a Walmart cashier over his company’s pricing policies? No? Then why do it to the author? I’m sure Tim Powers has zero input in the pricing of his books. Why damage his reputation or turn away possible sales over it? It’s especially stupid for the first guy who claims to love Powers’ work.

Really, Mr “Publishing pro?” Your love is not worth an extra three bucks?

Writers survive on one thing: sales. Without reader support, they won’t see another book contract.

If anyone out there has a beef with a publisher’s pricing policies, I suggest they bitch at the publisher instead. It’s easy in this case because HarperCollins is on both Facebook and Twitter. Asinine one-star reviews are easy for an editor to ignore. On the other hand, if you start a campaign to get a whole lot of people telling HarperCollins directly that their pricing sucks, maybe the right people start to pay attention.

You didn’t like a book? That’s cool. Ding it as you wish. But at least read the book and make it an honest review, not just an angry missive to the publisher.

Don’t be a douche.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. His Bram Stoker Award-winning first novel, Deadliest of the Species, was just reprinted by Evileye Books.

The Karate Rap

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This kind of shit is why most people don’t take martial arts seriously.

On one level, whoever wrote the song seems to have at least a basic understanding of what they’re talking about. Sadly, they had no idea how to write a song, and they should be flogged for the parakeet rhyme alone.

Yes, parakeet. But I’d be shocked if most of you can make it that far into the video.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. His Bram Stoker Award-winning first novel, Deadliest of the Species, was just reprinted by Evileye Books.

McDonald’s Will Kill Us All

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When the Superflu comes, McDonald’s will be the vector.

I let the kids talk me into McDonald’s for lunch because it’s one of the few places we can get something to eat and then I can get some work done while they stay occupied on the indoor playground. I always end up regretting it, but today my regret went to a whole new level. Check out the photo below of their service counter, shot in the middle of the lunch rush.

McDonald's will be the death of us

Not pictured: the Grim Reaper and the circling buzzards

Looks like any typical day at a McDonald’s, which most of you have seen before, right? Right. Now let’s take a closer look at these people, from left to right.

The boy in the black baseball cap is probably nine or ten years old. He walked up to the counter, and he rested both elbows on somebody else’s tray.

The old lady in the obnoxious shirt has set her purse on someone else’s tray. The manager in the black shirt is not bothered by this in the slightest as she sets food on the trays around it.

On the other side of the counter, you can just make out a shorter employee in a yellow cap. Just a moment ago she exchanged cash with a customer, directly over someone else’s uncovered french fries and a chicken sandwich. Her arm passed within an inch of the fries, and do I need to remind anyone how filthy cash is? I may have just become a germophobe. Also, minutes after this photo was taken, I told her I still needed my daughter’s chocolate milk. See the cooler on the right in the background? She couldn’t reach into the back, so she knelt on a stack of trays and used it as a step stool. The same trays which are about to go onto the counter for customers’ food.

On to the lady in the blue t-shirt. She had the sense to push a tray back a bit to set down her purse, as the tray had food on it already. However, she then leaned over the tray to speak to the cashier. Had it been my food, I would have asked them to take it away and make me some food that other people hadn’t breathed on. Or potentially spat on if she ordered something with a lot of P sounds.

So what’s the lesson here? Order everything to go so it’s in a bag while it’s sitting on the counter? No, the lesson is to stay the fuck out of McDonald’s until they fix their horrible line management and customer order practices.

This ordering system is a mess in general. People are forced to negotiate their own spot in line and nobody seems to know when it’s their turn to order. Then there’s nowhere for them to stand after they’ve placed their order, so there’s constantly someone in the way. This is compounded by groups of people—usually parents with small children—who don’t have the sense to have some of their group sit and wait at a table rather than near the counter. Having to watch total strangers breathe on, lean on, and handle cash over food is injury on top of insult.

The drink station is just as bad. People jam their way around it, cut in line, stand there for ten minutes while their kids decide what they want, allow their kids to attempt to fill their own cups and make a mess, stand in the way while they wrestle with lids and straws, and generally do their best to create a traffic jam. Once again, this is compounded by groups, especially parents who keep their swarms of children around them while they fill drinks. They ran out of lids, they later ran out of tea, and because the ketchup is at the same station, you have to wait for all the drink jerks to get out of the way so you can get your ketchup.

I have to assume McDonald’s went to this new setup to speed things up. It’s got to be faster than the single line through a corral, right? Apparently not. It’s like the toll plazas all around Chicago: they added a whole bunch of booths, and now the traffic jam occurs after the booth, when people have to fight their way back into fewer lanes, rather than before the booth, when they’re stacked up to pay.

News flash, McDonald’s: the food doesn’t cook any faster. Now you just have to try to fill ten orders at a time instead of two or three.

“Welcome to McDonald’s! If our food doesn’t kill you, our horrible line management practices will.”

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. His Bram Stoker Award-winning first novel, Deadliest of the Species, was just reprinted by Evileye Books.