Tag Archive for monty python

CONFESS!

The middle child is doing his first confession tonight. I like to think it’s going something like this:

I told him to tell the priest about that time he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, but he wasn’t having it.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Mouse Trap!

There’s been a humane trap under our sink for years, and we never paid much attention to it until tonight when we heard a mouse rattling around in it. Our yard abuts a cornfield, so mice aren’t uncommon around here (though I don’t know where our worthless cat was when this one got into the house).

I don’t like killing the little guys myself (my family bred hamsters when I was a kid), so the rugrats and I took the trap across the street and into the middle of a soccer field to turn it loose. We opened the trap, the mouse jumped out, and we discovered four more little mouse corpses inside the trap.

Poor little dude! I imagine his experience was something like this:

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Nothing to See Here: A Medical Misadventure

So now that I’ve twittered my trip to the doctor yesterday and generated a flood of “are you okay?” emails, I guess I better get you all caught up on the latest news. Or lack thereof, anyway…

I’ve had this pain in my chest lately. It’s nothing like heart attack symptoms (squeezing, spreading to arm/jaw, shortness of breath, etc.), it’s more like a stitch in the side but occurring behind the ribs just beneath my left pectoral muscle. It occurs for a couple minutes at a time and has appeared off and on all week, so I called my doctor’s office. When I answered yes to the travel question and said I was on an eight-hour flight last month, the computer said maybe it’s a blood clot and to get my ass to an ER.

I didn’t buy it, but when the nurse says go, you pretty much have to go. I went to an urgent care center instead, thinking I’d get through faster than the big ER in Peoria, and the nurse said it’s my call but they’d just send me on to the hospital anyway if it was serious. I opted to stick with short and sweet.

A couple hours of shenanigans ensued, most of which I posted to Twitter. For example, I experienced medical bureaucracy, tried to resist the call of the defibrillator, and then my phone fooled them by imitating their machine that goes “ping.”


Kind of like this, minus the baby. (But wouldn’t that have been a surprise!)

They did an EKG and an x-ray, then the doctor came in and poked and prodded. In the end he just shrugged and shuffled me out the door. They ordered some fancy-sounding tests I’ll need to undergo just to be sure there’s not some other problem with my pump, but the pain wasn’t a heart attack or blood clot.

As expected, I was in and out. The nurses and the doctor were great, but it’s a pity they’re burdened by such a bloated system of bureaucracy. I also can’t wait to get the bills for all this, because my insurance sucks. Between my employer and I, they already get about $15K a year in premiums for my family, and I still have to cough up another couple grand in deductibles before they’ll cover anything.

You would think I’d have a sense of relief now, but not really. I don’t have that feeling of cheating death, nor do I feel like I’ve been given a second chance. Instead I feel like a hypochondriac with a hemorrhage in the wallet. With luck the upcoming tests will also be negative, but for the moment all I’ve done is piss away a Friday night.

The tests next week are a treadmill stress test with nuclear medicine, and what appears to be another cardio exam of some kind, also with nuclear medicine. Looking at the bright side, I guess it will be a day off work during which I get to entertain you all on Twitter again, assuming they don’t take my phone away. The paperwork says the test will take 3-5 hours, so I’m hoping they’ll let me have my notebook or iPad so I can at least get some writing-related work done. I’m way behind on the sequel to The Pack: Winter Kill, and I have to work on a few short stories that should already have been completed, too.

Just pray they don’t take all my toys away. When I get bored and fidgety, I start getting in trouble.

Is it possible to get banned from a hospital?

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Advice for Dealing With Artists

It’s a good thing I love the comics medium, because landing an artist is hard, hard work. The good ones are either already taken or have page rates beyond the reach of any small press. At the next level they’re technically solid, but they think they’re deserving of the page rates the big guys get. And finally you have the guys who are as hungry as you are to get published, but their work is not quite ready for prime time.

It’s not hard to see why some companies shop the film rights for a new property before signing the publishing contracts: without that Hollywood money, they couldn’t be afford to pay a good artist.

It’s easy to get discouraged. There have been many times I started a dialog with a good artist, only to apologize for wasting their time after seeing their page rates. Working with Joe Bucco on Werewolves: Call of the Wild was a good combination of luck and timing that I have yet to be able to repeat. I’ve come close a couple times, but a combination of factors has prevented those other attempts from coming to fruition.

But it’s cool. I just turn back to the keyboard and I remember a certain piece of advice:

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Seventh Son of Your Modern World

I don’t know what’s funnier about this story: the fact the vigilantes captured a goat or the police are actually keeping the goat in custody.

Said goat is allegedly a car thief. No, the goat didn’t try to steal the car; the vigilantes claim the actual thief turned himself into a goat to evade capture.

I tell you what, you want to get away with a crime, Nigeria is the place to be. Just leave a goat at the end of an alley, rob a bank, and run down the alley to make your escape. Throw a couple bucks around the goat to complete the picture, then hide and watch the authorities drag the goat off to justice.

The best part of the article is this quote from a police spokesman:

“We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat.”

Let me get this straight. His actions indicate he’s at least willing to entertain the notion that a human being can turn into a goat, but he’s worried about the scientific basis in proving it? I have to question this guy’s understanding of “science.” In fact, I imagine the trial will go something like this:

With luck the goat will turn the magistrate into a newt and call it a day.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Geek Forensics

I had to run out to our second campus at work today, so I jumped on the country road out of town. It’s probably the first time I’ve been on that road in over two weeks, as the few times I’ve had to head out in that direction I was concerned the Great Arctic Death had left it impassible.

It made me wonder how long these roadkill remains had been sitting out there:

Where's the Rest of It?

Judging by the size of the ribs and spine, I’d guess they used to belong to a small deer, possibly a fawn. And I assume it was roadkill, but there’s no blood, head, legs, or anything else for that matter, so I guess it’s just as likely a coyote dragged it to the road and got scared off by another vehicle.

I showed the Midget the picture after school, and of course he wanted to see the real thing. I thought it might be a fun little learning experience for him, so I took the scenic route home and we stopped to take a look. Being a boy, he thought it was pretty cool. He had no problem identifying ribs and a spine, though he assumed the muscular remains were actually blood.

Naturally the conversation turned to what could have caused this kind of destruction. It didn’t take us long to reach the following conclusion:

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

Blackest Friday

My retail days are ten years behind me, but my hatred for Black Friday hasn’t waned.

It’s long been my contention that the holidays, despite their outward appearance of peace and happiness, actually bring out the worst in people. This year, the masses trumped their usual selfish belligerence by trampling a Wal-Mart employee to death. Even while the worker was dead on the floor, they continued shopping and went on home with their purchases after management closed the store.

Tim Daly suggested jailing the participants, and I’m all for that suggestion. The store just opened, which means any sales came from people in that crowd. Pull the register data, and you’ve got the names and addresses of anyone who paid by check, and at least the names of those who paid by credit card. Bring them all in, and prosecute anyone who can be matched up to the worst of the behavior on store surveillance videos, particularly those who instigated the crush or pushed down the dead man.

This is just day one. We’ve got four more weeks of crowds and traffic to put up with. I hope there won’t be any more deaths, but I’m sure we’ll hear about fights over the latest and greatest toy any time now.

So go ahead, shoppers. Save those pennies and go on pretending the holidays are about anything more than money. I’m going to stay home and watch this Monty Python’s Flying Circus marathon on BBC America.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.

La Llama!

La Llama!
Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.

Jim Mack’s also has an emu, goats, sheep, and llamas.

There’s a Monty Python joke in here somewhere, but I’ll leave you to make it.

About Mike Oliveri

Mike Oliveri is a writer, martial artist, cigar aficionado, motorcyclist, and family man, but not necessarily in that order. He is currently hard at work on the werewolf noir series The Pack for Evileye Books.