The Malice Engine

Bookstore

Mike — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 +0000

Bibliography

Mike — Tue, 31 Jan 2006 04:20:48 +0000

Novels

Deadliest of the Species Vox13 Publications 2001 Bram Stoker Award Winner for Superior Achievement in a First Novel Das Tödliche Geschlecht (German edition), Otherworld Verlag, Spring 2008 The Pack: Winter Kill Book 1 in the series The Pack Evileye Books Kindle Edition: November 2009 Trade Paperback: December 2009

Collections

4x4 In collaboration with Geoff Cooper, Michael T. Huyck, Jr., and Brian Keene Delirium Books October 2001

Comics

Werewolves: Call of the Wild With Joe Bucco (art) Moonstone Books Three issues, 2006

Serials

Muy Mal Asphalt & Alchemy "Bastard Precinct" - January 1, 2006 "Down Vendetta Road" - January 1, 2006 "Cataclysm" - Halloween 2006

Short Fiction

"Behavior Therapy" In Laymon's Terms Cemetery Dance Publications Due 2008 "The Burden" 1st Appearance - Black Petals Magazine, Vol. III, No. 2, Spring 2000 Reprint - Horrorfind.com, October 2000 Reprint - The Best of Horrorfind, August 2001 Honorable Mention, The Year's Best Fantasy & Horror 14th Annual Collection "Crazy for You" In collaboration with Brian Keene Crime Spree, edited by Trey R. Barker and Sandra G. DeLuca December Girl Press September 2001 Reprinted in In Delirium II, Delirium Books, January 2008 "Desert Seer" Bloody Muse e-zine September 2000 "A Dichotomy of Belief" Bell, Book & Beyond, edited by P.D. Cacek Design Image Group November 2000 "Engaging Entropy" In collaboration with Michael T. Huyck, Jr. 4x4 Delirium Books October 2001 "Feeding Bessie" Deadbolt Magazine issue #5 November 1999 "Hell Hath No Fury" 4x4 Delirium Books October 2001 "In the Grasp of Fear and Trembling" Dark Testament Edited by Shane Ryan Staley Delirium Books January 2002 "The Money Shot" In Delirium Edited by Brian Keene Delirium Books January 2006 "Little Miss Muffet is Dead, Baby" co-written with Michael T. Huyck, Jr. A Walk on the Darkside Roc September 2004 "One Last Night in August" The Rising: Necrophobia Delirium Books January 2004 "Pact with the Devil" Phantasm: Further Excursions into Oblivion Winter 1999 "Poisoning the Wound" Extremes 4: Darkest Africa Edited by Brian A. Hopkins Lone Wolf Publications January 2002 "Shades of Red" Dark Fluidity - Summer 2001 Reprint - Darker Dawning II: Reign in Black, April 2002 "Smiling Corpses" Part of a round robin story The Red, Red Robin Project Lone Wolf Publications May 2000 "A Splash of Color" Dark Arts Edited by John Pelan Cemetery Dance Publications Due 2006 "Surpassing the Little Death" A Darker Dawning May 2001 "Ticker" The Fear Within 3F Publications August 2003 "To Fight with Monsters" In collaboration with Brian Keene 4x4 Delirium Books October 2001 "To Travel Among Men" New Dark Voices Delirium Books Due August 2004 "Tunnel Rats" Horrorfind.com, November 2002 Reprint - The Best of Horrorfind II, August 2003 "A Vain Exercise in Absolution" 1st Appearance - Sackcloth & Ashes (UK) issue #7, March 2000 Reprinted - Dark Horizons e-mail zine, December 2000 Reprinted - The Murder Hole online, November 2002 "Violent Quarry" In collaboration with James Futch Horrorfind.com March 2003 "Warning Signs" Brimstone Turnpike Edited by Kealan Patrick Burke Cemetery Dance Publications Due 2008 "Who Trespasses Against Him" Vivisections Catalyst Press April 2003

Non-Fiction

Regular Contributor Lockergnome.com (Linux Fanatics, Mobile Lifestyle) June 2004 - July 2005 "Blood 'N' Bytes" - monthly technology column Jobs in Hell market newsletter September 2000 - September 2003 "Free and Easy Mail Filtering with Exim and FreeBSD" Ping! Zine webhosting magazine November 2004 "Go West Young Writers: A Prelude to WHC2000" Co-written with Michael T. Huyck, Jr. Jobs in Hell issue 28 May 2, 2000 "Hotplug networking with ifplugd" Linux.com May 17, 2005 "How to Spot a Serial Killer" Last Pentacle of the Sun: Writings in Support of the West Memphis Three October 2004 "Keene Insight: An Interview with Brian Keene" Terror Tales e-zine and website April 2000 "Long Live the King" Studies in Modern Horror issue #2 February 2004 "Making an Impact: An Interview with Yvonne Navarro" Deadbolt Magazine issue #6 March 2000 "Protect Your PC for Free! No More Excuses!" Help Net Security March, 2003 "Trippin' to the Corner of a Dark America: Your WHC Seattle Survival Guide" Co-written with Michael T. Huyck, Jr. Jobs in Hell issue 82 May 15, 2001 "The Triumphant Return of the Conquering Heroes: The WHC 2000 Post-Game Report" Co-written with Michael T. Huyck, Jr. Jobs in Hell issue 31 May 23, 2000 "A Wanna-Be Visits WHC" Bloody Muse e-zine May 1999

Appearances

Mike — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 03:11:57 +0000

I'm working on hitting some conventions this fall. I'll update this page again when I have more solid news.

Own a Copy of Deadliest of the Species

Mike — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 19:11:04 +0000

Some deluded individual is selling a copy of Deadliest of the Species on eBay for $250. Based on previous auctions, though, that appears to be the going rate. Enjoy.

Learning the Hard Way

Mike — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 16:24:06 +0000

Pretty in Purple Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Coordination is not one of my stronger qualities. I'm right-handed in just about everything, and when I have to reverse things, I tend to get klutzy. Tuesday night's karate class reinforced that. We're learning something called Ippon Kumite Kata #1, a simple set of moves to defend against and respond to a right or left punch. I've seen and done the right-punch attack, which means responses with right punches and kicks. But then we reversed it to defend against and respond to a left punch, and I got all discombobulated. I thought I had it down, but when I squared off against another student I confused myself and kicked with my left leg instead of my right. What should have been a right front kick to his groin became a left front kick to his right knee. His knee which was bunched up and bent into a front stance, so much harder than if he were standing straight. The result is the photo you see above. I didn't break anything, but I think my pride hurt more than my foot. It was a little swollen that night, and Wednesday morning there was some purple around the knuckles. Sometime during the day, though, the pockets of swelling broke and when I took my shoe and sock off in the evening I found the nice purple designs in the pic. No swelling, only slight pain, but lots of pretty, pretty purple. As you might imagine, I've been practicing the shit out of Ippon #1 from both sides so this doesn't happen again. Addendum: Several folks have asked about the other guy's knee. He's fine. In fact, the kick hardly fazed him. In a front stance, your front knee is bent and most of your weight is leaned onto that leg. My kick was right in line with his thigh, too, so his knee had all kinds of bracing behind it. I may as well have kicked a wall.

Restore from Backup Available for Preorder

Mike — Sun, 17 Jun 2007 23:13:04 +0000

Bad Moon Books has just made mine and JF Gonzalez's novella Restore from Backup available for preorder on the BMB website. Only $15.00! Shoot on over and check it out. From the back cover:

Lyle Harrelson is in a jam. He's been laid off, the bills are piling up, and he can't even afford to get his sick daughter to the doctor. Then his old college buddy Carl calls. Carl has a lead on a new job with great pay, solid benefits, and an immediate opening. Carl pounces on the opportunity. He has no idea what he’s getting into. His co-workers are secretive. His boss is a stone cold bitch. And when he wonders exactly what it is Kaiser Development Systems does, nobody will give him an answer. Carl calls him again, this time warning him to stay away from Kaiser. Moments later, Carl is dead. Lyle wants to know why. He tries to learn more about Kaiser: who they are, what they do, what the strange data on the servers he manages is for. But he's made a mistake. And then the real trouble begins. “Restore From Backup” is a cautionary tale of the careful balances that exist between nature, magic, and technology... and the forces that bring them together.

These Are the Men Who Run Your Country

Mike — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 03:07:25 +0000

Think government isn't scary? Check this out: Congressman Tom Lantos of California Congressman Henry Waxman of California Hmm. Maybe this explains why California is so messed up. Heh. I've been sitting on the Lantos thing since I saw him on TV a couple months back. Credit goes to my Pops for the Waxman find.

No Injury For You

Mike — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 18:46:46 +0000

Jonathan Forrester, Chief Instructor of the Dawsonville Martial Arts Center in Georgia, just sent me an email about my "Learning the Hard Way" post featuring my bruised foot. Mr. Forrester, a 3rd Dan in Shuri-Ryu, had just trained with Hanshi Ridgely Abele and kindly passed along Hanshi Abele's opinion of injury:

If you get a bloody nose, a broken finger or toe, a bloody lip, or some teeth sticking through your lip - this is NOT an injury. This should be considered "Body Conditioning". If a bone is sticking through the skin, then you can claim an injury.

Body conditioning it is, then! I love it.

Herman Munster: Identity Theft Victim

Mike — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 19:44:57 +0000

Fox News reports Herman Munster's credit information appeared on a list of identities held by a data thief overseas. It even has his address at 1313 Mockingbird Lane. That just cracks me up. I'd love to have seen what would have happened if the thief actually purchased something as Herman Munster, and where the stuff would actually have been shipped. (What city did they use? Burbank?) I also wonder if this was a fraudulent identity hidden amongst a list of real names. With all the fraud and identity theft going on, I wonder how long it will be before even data thieves have to be careful what they're stealing. Maybe the fraud system will be brought to its knees by the weight of its own self-perpetuating bullshit. We can hope...

Fix Your Laptop

Mike — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 19:50:44 +0000

Lifehacker today had a link to this article about fixing 11 different problems that plague laptop users. They address common problems from batteries not holding charges (the solution: replacement - durr) to hard drive crashes and overheating. Not a bad little reference, especially given I receive questions about things like this from time to time. Of course, they forgot one big fix for Windows crashes: install Ubuntu. ;)

Blown Away

Mike — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 18:04:37 +0000

The on-again, off-again wind farm project in my area is now off again. Navitas Energy got all the plans going and all the permits in order and were ready to break ground. Meanwhile, a freeze went out on all other pending wind farms because the State of Illinois congress couldn't get their collective thumbs out of their asses (more on that in a moment), leaving two more nearby wind farm projects stalled. Then Navitas sold the project to Spanish energy company Iberdrola. People lamented this would be the end of it, we'd never see any money, and so on. I said no, if they're investing the money, they've got to be interested in building and it won't change the previous agreements and contracts. I was wrong. The pinheads at Iberdrola decided they want to build the towers to 475 feet rather than the previous 400 feet. This means they now have to start from scratch with the application and permit process and pay the various fees. Construction that was supposed to begin in 2008 is now going to be held off indefinitely. As I said, the State Congress is the first problem. They can't decide how to tax the energy companies on their wind farms, so all the counties are tabling all discussion of the wind farms and their permits until they know what kind of tax base they'll be seeing from the projects. In their usual lethargy and lack of urgency, the politicos have already shot down two bills and are debating a third (I imagine this is why our state budget is among the worst in the nation). Once congress gets their heads out of their asses, it's back to the counties. But now the counties are going to have to have meetings all over again, hold public bitch sessions, and generally start from square one themselves. They already faced law suits and other legal headaches the first time around, so I can't imagine they're going to be too thrilled with the prospect of dealing with that all over again. On top of that, the NIMBY whiners are going to come out of the woodwork and take advantage of their second chance. They'll find ways to sabotage the process, cite new studies, and generally bitch about all the inconveniences they're going to have to endure when these things get built. I don't know what Iberdrola was thinking. How do these companies stay in business making these kinds of decisions? I'm sure some number cruncher figured the investment in the taller towers outweighed the costs of fighting it through, but what happens if the whole thing gets shot down? I'd be willing to bet they paid millions to Navitas to take over the project, and it will probably cost them at least a couple million more before they even break ground. And people wonder why the US is having so much trouble developing alternative energy sources.

The Big Tease

Mike — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 18:26:49 +0000

I have good news and bad news. The good news is I recently signed contracts and deposited an advance for a book that will appear sometime next year. The bad news is I can't yet tell you any more than that. The publisher and I have agreed to keep a lid on the details until we get closer to the publication date. Right now I'm working on the novella "To Rise from the Ashes" to complete the trilogy started by "To Fight With Monsters", my collaboration with Brian Keene from the 4x4 collection. (My hope, by the way, is all three parts will be printed in one edition, but that's going to be the publisher's decision.) Once that's out of the way, I have another novella to write. This one will go in the back of the unnamed book above. I hate to be a tease, but things have been very quiet of late and announcements like this have been few and far between, especially on the prose side of things. Stay tuned here in the coming months for more information and for announcements about other pending projects.

Sleep Good

Mike — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 14:45:38 +0000

I've been continuing to track my weight on my Weight Tracker spreadsheet, and this month I had yet to break the low set at the end of last month. I had trouble figuring out why, as I could see I've worked out three out of every four days so far, including several days where I did double workouts attending both basic and yellow/blue/green belt classes in karate. The double workouts and the home Wavemaster training and kata practice would leave me drenched with sweat, but the pounds weren't coming off. There were two days I ate more than usual. The first we had family over for a barbecue and I followed the semi-large lunch with a big Italian dinner out with my aunt. I also had a few beers and two cans of pop (and I almost never touch pop). The second I visited a friend up north and we went to Portillo's. Given people around here hardly even know what Italian beef is (much less where to find it) and Vienna hot dogs are hard to come by, I had both: an Italian combo (beef and sausage) with mozzarella and red sauce with a Vienna hot dog, accompanied by onion rings and a chocolate shake. Both contributed a couple pounds the following morning, but within a few days I was right back down to last month's barrier. I upped my water intake, but saw no change. I tried to move around a little more at work, but saw no change. I started to wonder if I was just at a point where I needed to cut some more food out of my diet, but I'm fairly sure I'm not even hitting 2000 calories on most days. Then I got some sleep. I've been staying up late a lot, going to bed at midnight or later for several days at a stretch. I've been tired at work, and at the end of Friday night's Wavemaster workout I could hardly gather the energy to kick the bag. I went to bed right about midnight. Nine hours later I woke up and looked at the clock: 9:13am. Karate class starts at 10am. I had the wife put the Midget in his gi, but I still took the time to take the morning trip to the bathroom, which includes standing on the scale. That's funny, I thought, as it said I had lost three pounds from the day before. I got on the scale again, as this one sometimes takes 2-3 readings to produce a consistent result. Sure enough, I dropped a few pounds and beat last month's best weight by a pound. The realization was a better wakeup than coffee. Last night I went to bed early again, and this morning found the weight had stayed off. Could there be other tangible benefits? I grabbed my blood pressure cuff and plopped down on the couch. In an average of three readings, my diastolic pressure dropped four points from my readings Thursday morning and my heart rate dropped about 8 points (to 123/74 and 66 for the curious -- and my blood pressure overall is down an average of 8-10 points since I started karate). Wow. Maybe there's something to this sleep thing after all. I suppose it could be a coincidence, but I'm not so sure. I may look like crap this morning...

...but I sure feel a hell of a lot better.

Now the Morlocks Attack

Mike — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 15:25:31 +0000

A 100-foot lake in the Andes has disappeared, and nobody knows why. It left a big hole and the ice chunks that used to float on the surface behind. The scientists need to clear out and bring in the military. Everyone knows it's been drained to clear the way for the underworld armies to emerge and attack. You have been warned.

Wizard World

Mike — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 15:31:46 +0000

I just submitted my paperwork for the Wizard World Chicago comic convention coming up in a little over a month. There's been a lot of talk about how big or small this year's con is going to be and how it may be hobbled by competition with the San Diego Comic Con (which I would love to attend some year), but either way I'm going to be there. My only real plan is to try to meet some artists and see if I can't find someone to collaborate on some comics work with, but I'm sure I'll be signing some books at the Moonstone Books table at some point and plan to be out and about on the floor. I just updated my Appearances page, and my does it look rather tiny at the moment. I had hoped to attend the Baltimore Comic Con this year, but financially it just isn't feasible and chances are I wouldn't be able to get much more benefit out of it (this year) than what I can accomplish at Wizard World. (When I have several different comics on the shelves it will be a different story...) So if you'll be at Wizard World, feel free to track me down and say hey.

Can't Win with NIMBYs

Mike — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 18:21:54 +0000

My friend Drew Beebe read my post about the demise of our local windfarm and sent me a story about a guy in Jersey who built his own windmill in his back yard. He's already got solar panels on his roof, and between the solar and wind power he's able to stay off the grid. I say good for him, as it's something I'd do if I could afford the startup costs. I don't know if it's any different in Jersey, but here in Illinois the power company would even have to pay him for extra power going back into the grid. I'd love to see a check from Ameren rather than have to send them one every month. Unfortunately his neighbors disagree, and they're turning to the law to force him to remove the windmill. Why? Because they don't like the look of it and its too noisy. Boo frickin' hoo. Everybody's ready to jump on the alternative energy and green power bandwagon until it personally inconveniences them. Things like this are going to set a very poor precedent. Who in their right mind would try something like this when they know there's a good chance legal fees will up their initial costs and quite possibly kill the project altogether? Why build if city ordinances can be changed and retroactively apply to your windmill just because a neighbor doesn't like the noise? Great. Keep on sucking carbon emissions and forking over chunks of your pay to the utilities to preserve a view of nothing. Wonderful plan, people.

I Luvs teh Google

Mike — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 20:44:29 +0000

A recent cellular bill included a little card from Google with some simple instructions for using the new (beta, of course) Google SMS features. At first I didn't think much of it and lost the card in all the other crap on my desk. Just now I dug it out and took a closer look. Holy crap, this service is sweet! The power of Google on your cell phone. What's the weather? One text message later I'll know. Where's Live Free or Die Hard playing? I'll know in less than a minute. What time does Jimmy's plane land? Bip boop beep: 5pm. All hail the mighty Google. By the way, there's a nice article in this month's Wired about all the cool things they're doing with Google Maps.

Rethinking Twitter

Mike — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 21:07:03 +0000

A while back I took a dump on Twitter, the service that answers "What are you doing?" as often as you want to update it. I stand by those comments because it can easily spiral into exactly what I said, and I'm sure there's a lot of navel-gazing and jerk-off posts on there. For example, I just clicked through and found a Tweet that said "Watching news." Wow. How compelling. But there were two things that made me rethink Twitter and its usefulness to me. First, I discovered Twitter Tools, a plugin that ties a WordPress blog (like this one) into a Twitter account. It works in both directions, so if I post a Tweet it could appear in my blog's sidebar and when I post a blog entry a Tweet goes out with a TinyURL link to the post. I'll get to the first part of that in a moment, but I do like the auto-Tweet because it's essentially just extending my RSS presence into the Twitter realm. (In English that means Twitter users see I've got a blog post and make with the clicky.) Second, I read a brief article in Wired about Twitter, and while it did say critics have the same concerns about it as I do, it talked about the social aspect of Twitter. The gist was Twitter allows small, core groups to develop a sort of sixth sense about one another. If, for example, four friends and I all sent out Tweets, we'd have a better idea of what one another are up to and who's free to grab a beer with. Again, I'm not sure I want to be that connected, but I do see the utility. It may also be fun to send out a few from a convention floor to tell folks what they're missing. But I also thought it may be a way to track my writing habits, as well as encourage readers to hold me accountable. If I posted a Tweet saying I was writing a scene for "To Rise from the Ashes", readers would know not to disturb me and know that the novella may actually see the light of day sometime. Similarly, I could post a tease about what the characters are up to (sans spoilers, of course). That might make it a little more fun. Then it dawned on me Twitter is just microblogging. If there's a simple link I want to share, say something really odd or that made me laugh, a Tweet might be more appropriate than a blog post. Which led to one more potential use I realized, but I'm going to sit on that one until I can develop it a little further. It's tricky given the Twitter word limit, but I may be able to pull it off. Until then, let me know if you give a rat's ass about Twitter. I'm curious to see what everyone else thinks of it. In the meantime, if you want to see all my Tweets, you can find me here.

Touch the Baby!

Mike — Sat, 30 Jun 2007 02:18:06 +0000

Why is it people feel the need to touch babies that don't belong to them? Yes, babies are cute, but I really don't feel the urge to go over and grab children that are not directly related to me. Case in point: We were out shopping this evening and it rolled on to supper time, so we took the kids to a Chinese buffet restaurant we hadn't tried yet. It was fairly busy, and our daughter, Lily, got the high chair and sat with her back to the aisle. That was also the only place for our waitress to stand as we were along the wall. Pretty soon, every time the waitress came by she'd have to touch the baby. She'd pinch Lily's cheeks, shake her hand, something like that. Lily eats these little Cheerio-like snacks, and she had a little pile of them in front of her. The waitress pushed them away for a second, didn't get the giggle she was hoping for (and fortunately not a scream, either), and pushed them back. The last time around she put her hands on Lily's shoulders and danced her around a bit. We're fairly used to this sort of thing as this is the third time around; people did it to each of our boys. Only after that last, rather prolonged contact, the waitress scooped up our dirty plates. It dawned on me she picked up everyone's plates. Then I made the mistake of looking around the room and seeing the wide range of people this woman served, from clean-cut, upper-middle-class suburbanite to wrong-side-of-the-tracks scuzzbag. She put her hands on all of their dirty plates, complete with half-chewed food and used utensils, then came back around and put her hands on our daughter's face and hands. Wonderful. It's not so bad for the boys because they're sitting at a table that has (presumably) been wiped clean and are getting clean utensils and a fresh plate. The waitress touches their drink cups, but that's about it, and they're both generally beyond shoving their hands in their mouths. Meanwhile, you touch a baby's hand and it's only a matter of time before that same hand ends up in their mouth. If you're the type that has to go touching strangers' babies, use your brain first. In fact, it would probably be a good idea to ask permission first. From now on, strangers who touch my children will get touched back. And it will not feel good.

Tomás de Torquemada: Original Chiropractor

Mike — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 14:25:10 +0000

I've had this pain in my leg since December, so last month I started going to the bone doctor. It's helping and all, but as he goes through the various routines, I started thinking about how some of these devices seem to be based on medieval torture devices. For example, I start my session on this table I call The Rack. You lay flat on your stomach, grip these handlebars in front, and the chiropractor straps your legs down. Then the lower half the of the table drops and lifts, stretching out your lower back. Not a far cry from a separating table with a crank wheel and screw drive. Remove the shackles and bring the vict-- er, patient -- back to a comfy position before stretching him out again, and boom, therapy instead of torture. Oftentimes my sessions end with an ultrasound treatment. The little pads go on your back, they're held in place with some weights, and as it goes to work, it heats up. Crank 'em up a few degrees and increase the weight and you've got a hot poker (or burning coal) and a crushing block. Fsssss!! "Agh! Okay, I confess! I renounce Satan! Oh, wait, I mean wow! That feels much better!" Then there's the neck chair. I've only been on this thing a couple times, but it's a small chair and looks fairly innocuous. The narrow back slopes up and away from your lower back, so you're in a slight recline when you sit down. Your shoulders and above are above the top of the seat back. The doctor pokes and prods for a moment, then crackle! He just cracked your neck. I'm not sure this one was modified much. Sure, it felt great a few minutes afterward, but when he first did it, ouch! Especially the first time when I wasn't ready for it. Last but not least, today I got my first treatment on the wave table. I don't know how to describe this one other than you lay down and suddenly you feel like it's about to swallow you up. Then, before you can react, doc hits a switch and this roller starts working your back. It rolls across one section, then moves up and down, continuously shoving and rolling, shoving and rolling. Put spikes on that sumbitch and I'll confess to anything. Kennedy? Yeah, I shot him and made Oswald my patsy. Lincoln? Sure, that was my fault, too. Just make it stop! I can't wait 'til he busts out the modern version of the Judas Cradle:

Photo Featured on Moleskinerie

Mike — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 15:19:23 +0000

Brainstorming
Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.

The folks over at Moleskinerie, a site devoted to Moleskine notebooks, recently used my photo "Brainstorming" to illustrate one of their articles.

You can check out the article here.

A Darker Dawning on eBay

Mike — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 16:44:45 +0000

If you've been looking to get your hands on A Darker Dawning, the chapbook featuring myself and several other fledgling horror authors from around 2001, now's your chance.

The Digital Age Rules

Mike — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:45:55 +0000

That's It? Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Yesterday was Break Day at my karate dojo, and I took several pictures while my son and our classmates broke their boards. Despite the difficulties associated with a point-and-shoot digital camera, I caught a few great shots and I'll be sharing them with our sensei and some of the other students. As usual, I uploaded them all to Flickr. However, I didn't want to wait a week or so for the pictures, so I decided to try their "print to Target" option. This is just what it sounds like: you have your pics sent to Target, then pick them up and pay for them an hour later. Just a few clicks and my pics were on their way. We showed up for them a few hours later, and while there was a network glitch that prevented the initial transfer, we were able to get our pictures just a few hours after taking them without the double duty of uploading the photos both to my computer and to a digital photo kiosk at a store. Way cool.

Break Day!

Mike — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 20:38:23 +0000

Kiai! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
The Midget and I had been looking forward to yesterday's Break Day at our Academy of Okinawan Karate dojo for a long time. As you can see here, we intended to break one board fumi komi, or with a stomp kick. I've seen some impressive board breaking displays at our school's graduation ceremonies, but this is the first we've done it in class (board breaking is not part of our school's regular curriculum). I've never broken a board like this before, either, so I was excited to give it a shot. Our school uses pine boards measuring 10" by 12" and 3/4" thick. They are not scored or cut, nor are they baked or otherwise pre-treated for easy breaks; each student relies on their own strength and speed to break a board. Some say one board is equivalent to a human bone, but as sensei explained, that's hard to quantify given a bone like your femur is so much stronger than your clavicle. We started with fumi komi in the basic class. I didn't expect it would be much of a challenge given the size of my legs, and I was right: my foot went straight through the board. When it came around to the Midget's turn, Sensei Miller laid out a smaller board. Even with the smaller board, I wasn't sure what to expect. With some of the younger students, the instructors will take the student's foot in their hand, raise the foot, and crash it down onto the board. The instructor's hand is actually breaking the board, but the student thinks they did it on their own. I wondered if we'd have to do it with the Midget. Instead he went up there and stomped right through it. The rest of the little guys in our class did the same, which was really neat to watch. We stuck around for the yellow belt class afterward, and because most of them had broken boards before, they were going to break tetsui, or hammer fist. Sensei took a look at my fist and my technique, and he let me give it a shot, too. Crack! No problem. The Midget wasn't about to just sit and watch, so I said he could have another board if he wanted one. Sensei gave him the option of breaking a half-size board tetsui, or a full-size board fumi komi. He opted for breaking a larger board fumi komi, and Sensei set him up. After a false start where he more stepped on than broke the board, he got that knee up high and kapow, that board went down. I'll tell ya, watching a five year old break the same board the adults did really makes a father proud. We got a preview of the future, too. One of our green belts broke a stack of two boards tetsui, and then Sensei Miller broke two stacks of three, one tetsui and one empi (with his elbow). Finally, one of our taller brown belts joined our class and broke a board with a jump kick. A board myself and another student held seven feet in the air. Yes, we measured, and yes, he made it. I don't imagine I'll be getting a kick seven feet in the air any time soon, but breaking even this single board was a new and fun experience for me. I'm looking forward to next year already.

From the Mouths of Babes

Mike — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 00:42:20 +0000

The Midget tends to come up with conversation topics at random. Today, as he and I are sitting out front while I'm enjoying a cigar, he starts asking about God's law. Presumably, this is something he'd been told at preschool (this program is housed in a Lutheran church) and he's just now thinking about it again for some reason. I wondered if he even understood what/who God is, so I asked him. The Midget: "He's the man up in the sky." Me: "Uh huh. And what does he do?" The Midget: "Nothing."

Water Vapor on Extrasolar Planet

Mike — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 15:34:47 +0000

For the first time, scientists have confirmed the existence of water vapor on an extrasolar planet. This is huge news as water is a requirement for life (as we know it) and confirming water exists on other planets would be an important element in claiming life can exist on other planets. There's probably no life on this particular planet as it's a gas giant with incredibly high heat. It certainly doesn't mean little green men are visiting our planet, either. But if water can exist there, it can probably exist just about anywhere. We're already looking at potential water sources on Mars, but there's a lot of stuff out beyond our solar system and I imagine the possibilities approach infinity. Look at the diversity of life on our own planet, including in some of the harshest environments. Regardless of whether there's a divine or other creator behind it all, I think it's ignorant and arrogant to presume we're special and unique. It's only a matter of time before we know for sure.

More Google Love

Mike — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 16:03:00 +0000

Google Maps has a host of new features, including two I've been wanting for a long, long time from any of the map services: being able to change your route and adding waypoints. There have been many times I've looked at a map route and decided I could make better time going around a portion of it or wanted to make a couple of stops along the way. Normally I had to work around this by creating multiple routes. Now you can just add stops to your route and/or click and drag the route to new locations. Suh-weeeeeet! You can see some Google pitch people show it off here (found via Lifehacker).

Life With Creative Types

Mike — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 20:06:09 +0000

The problem with creative people is we bore easily. We don't like to sit and wait for things, and if there's not something we can pour our creativity into or something shiny or moving to hold our attention, things get ugly fast. It gets especially interesting for our significant others, who then bear the brunt of said boredom. There's a reason 32.8% of marriages involving creative types end in messy divorces*. Case in point: here is a glimpse into what life is like for my wife. I'm at work, watching software download and install itself (which is akin to watching paint dry for those unfamiliar with the experience) and lugging monitors around. I forward a couple of emails to the wife, then, rather than calling her to pester her, I shoot her a text message. It went like this: Subject: email Message: check your email when you get a chance The nice thing about text messages is you can send them via email and not have to pay for them. This makes them very convenient. The bad thing about text messages via email is they are very convenient. Recall how I said I chose not to call her to pester her, and observe the combination of boredom and convenient email-to-text message access: Time: 1:41pm Subject: poop Message: I just pooped in the potty. I don't know why the Squirt is having such a tough time with potty training. It was easy. Time: 1:54pm Subject: rat Message: I just found a rat! Can I keep him? Time: 1:58pm Subject: rabies Message: Uh oh. I think I just contracted rabies. Time: 2:14pm Subject: weather Message: So how's the weather over there?**

Response from the Wife! Time: 2:16pm Message: Bored, huh?

Time: 2:22pm Subject: pirates Message: Arrrr! The village is ripe for the taking! I'll do the pillaging, and you do the raping!

Response from the Wife! Time: 2:23pm Message: But I don't want to rape anyone!***

Time: 2:28pm Subject: pirates redux Message: Arrr! Suck it up, matey, or I'll have ye keel-hauled! Time: 2:37pm Subject: forest fires Message: Elephants have big, flat feet to stomp out flaming ducks. Now you know. Time: 2:38pm Subject: gi joe Message: And knowing is half the battle! Time: 2:46pm Subject: dirty Message: What are you wearing?

Response from the Wife! Time: 2:47pm Message: Nothing. When will you be home?****

Time: 2:47pm Message: In about ten seconds!

Response from the Wife! Time: 2:48pm Message: Ok, see you soon.

And with that I called it an early day at work. Now you see why the wife and I are in the 67.2% of marriages involving creative types that last.* *These statistics are 100% made up. ** We live about a block from where I work. *** This is called encouragement. Or, in some circles, "being an enabler." ****More enabling. And here I expecting something like "For the next six weeks, a chastity belt."

Top 5 Side 1 Track 1 Songs

Mike — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 19:29:41 +0000

John Roling just tagged me to post my top 5 side 1, track 1 songs. Like he said in the blog, there are probably a lot of people who wonder what the hell side 1 refers to, and wonder if maybe there are dual-sided CD's like there are DVD's. (On the flip side of that, I wonder how many people think of LP's when they hear side 1, rather than cassettes.) Here's my list. I'm stealing John's first two because I agree. I can dig on his "Head Like a Hole" nomination, but I don't know it's in my top 5. "Welcome to the Jungle" - Guns 'n' Roses, Appetite for Destruction "Hotel California" - Eagles, Hotel California "Cowboys from Hell" - Pantera, Cowboys from Hell "Walk Away" - Dropkick Murphys, Blackout "Sympathy for the Devil"- Rolling Stones, Beggars Banquet Man, it's tough to come up with 5 favorites that are on side 1 track 1. Had to wrack my brain a bit. I almost listed "Dr. Feelgood" from the Motley Crue album of the same name because it was one of the first albums I bought (that should give you an idea of my age), but technically it's track 2. The next question -- who to tag? I'll start with Brian and Nate, because I know they're music nuts. Then Cullen because I know very little about his music tastes. Then I'll finish it off with John Urbancik and Weston Ochse because they have different tastes in music. Brian Keene Nate Southard Cullen Bunn John Urbancik Weston Ochse

Wise Man Say

Mike — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 20:27:55 +0000

Lifehacker posted a quote from Nietzsche today:

"All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking."

While I subscribe to a lot of Nietzsche's philosophy, I have to disagree slightly: obviously the man never tried solving a problem in the shower. (Or, as with Archimedes, the bathtub.) I can't count the number of times I've been standing in the shower, thinking about a writing problem I've been trying to solve, when the idea suddenly comes to me. I'm still waiting for someone to invent a waterproof laptop/notebook/tablet/device I can record those spontaneous ideas on. As it is I have to hurry to the Moleskine, or wait until I get to work to jot them down. A friend of mine once suggested I take a digital voice recorder into the shower with me. The only problem there is I might be tempted to sing. And believe me, nobody wants to hear that.

Renaissance

Mike — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 20:26:33 +0000

I just stumbled across Renaissance in a sidebar ad, and the noir animation really caught my eye. I tinkered with the trailer and DVD clips, the game, and browsed some of the photos in the gallery, and this really is a gorgeous piece of animation. The black almost overwhelms everything, but if you just sit and watch, your eye really does catch all the details and everything is fluid. It looks like a comic book come to life, even more so than Sin City did. It looks like it came out on DVD today. I'm going to have to hit Best Buy and pick up a copy. Right after my trip to Borders for a copy of Crooked Little Vein. This may turn out to be a decent summer of oddball entertainment after all.

How Many Times Do I Have To Say It?

Mike — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 20:28:08 +0000

STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE OCEAN!

New Coen Brothers Trailer

Mike — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 14:45:03 +0000

The trailer for the new Coen Brothers movie, No Country for Old Men, looks fanfreakin'tastic. I've heard Cormac McCarthy's novels are great reads, but if this is an example of what his work's about, I really need to track down some of his books. When this sucker hits theaters, I'm there. Opening day.

Smoke Blog: The War on Tobacco

Mike — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 15:52:41 +0000

John Roling is reporting the Senate is considering a new tobacco tax that will increase the tax cap on cigars to as high as $10 per cigar. Thus a good $5 cigar could cost as much as $15, effectively extinguishing the habit for folks like John and myself forever. This is going to be insult to injury to Illinois smokers. In my state's latest attempt to become Little California, the legislature has passed a state-wide smoking ban that will go into effect on January 1st. According to a Peoria Journal Star article, this ban will be more restrictive than the current Chicago and Bloomington-Normal smoking bans as it will have fewer exemptions for businesses and will disallow smoking within 15 feet of pretty much any opening in a building, including windows and vents, not just the main entrances. Apparently our country has yet to learn lessons of alcohol prohibition and tax. We already know Prohibition didn't do crap, so let's talk about taxes. This can be summed up in one word: moonshine. To avoid the tax man, people have been setting up illegal stills in the backwoods of the South for decades. The speakeasies live on, as both the moonshine makers and the bars that sell it make a fortune, and the buyer probably pays less for moonshine than they do the real stuff. More tax money gets wasted on resources to combat the problem, it turns more people into criminals, and it becomes dangerous because you just don't know what kind of chemicals wind up in that stuff. Is it a stretch to see the same thing happening with cigarettes? There's already a problem with organized crime bringing in untaxed cigarettes (I'm not clear on how this works, I just remember seeing it happening). What's to stop smuggled cigars from making the rounds? You probably won't see people growing and rolling their own tobacco, but it could become the next illicit trade like pot, cocaine, and heroine. We all know how well the War on Drugs is going. "But we need to keep cigarettes out of the hands of minors!" Amen. I couldn't agree more. But those laws are already on the books. It's illegal to sell to them, and it's illegal for them to smoke. Does it get any more restrictive than that? Yet I've worked in two different school districts and both have their share of smoking students. I've seen D.A.R.E. officers stake out hangouts and give kids tickets, and these same kids will be out there the next day. I think we're better off supporting creative programs like D.A.R.E. and the Truth campaign than wasting legislative resources on drafting new laws. I almost forgot about prostitution. Illegal just about everywhere, yet it's not too tough to find a woman on the street willing to sell herself for a buck. They know it's illegal, they know it's very dangerous. The Johns know it's illegal and they know it's very dangerous. Yet these women make a buck and the Johns spend a buck, and cops who I'd rather see chasing violent criminals waste their time hauling in harmless, horny creeps. Vices don't go away. People have these same urges, and for the most part they'll do what it takes to satisfy these urges. Other people will continue to make money satisfying those urges, no matter the cost to them. But see, it's not just about vice, it's about taste. A lot of these people -- be they Cogresscritters, lobbyists, or general whiner -- find smoking as distasteful as they do sex, drugs, and alcohol, so they set out to squash it. Meanwhile, according to this chart depicting "The REAL Threat to America", more people are dying of (non smoking-related) heart disease than smoking, and that doesn't include related health problems like obesity and diabetes. They say they need this tax to fund health care for children. What's a bigger problem for children: smoking or obesity? We see fat kids all over the place, sucking down greasy food and soda. Yet do we see Congress taxing the shit out of Big Macs? No.

Dell (Possibly) Expanding Linux Offerings

Mike — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 17:03:04 +0000

Canonical, the folks behind the Ubuntu Linux distribution, claim Dell is doing well enough with their Linux machines that they are going to expand their offerings to include more systems. Are you sure Linux isn't ready for the desktop?

In Sandusky, Ohio, Smelling Like a Dreamsicle

Mike — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 04:41:19 +0000

Sandusky is an odd place. I know Cedar Point is a major attraction just a few miles from where I'm sitting, but I'm here in a hotel surrounded by little but more hotels, and more hotels beyond that, and still more just down the road. And only one of these hotels is advertised in the highway -- excuse me, turnpike -- service stations. It gives the place an almost top secret vibe, like they're saying "You can't book us, you must discover us!" I wonder if the shampoo has something to do with it: I lathered up and got a distinct whiff of orange. Not citrus orange, but that creamy, feaux-orange of Dreamsicles and Push-Ups. I picked up the bottle, and sure enough, not a hint of orange. Just a generic flower pattern and the print "conditioning shampoo." I guess there are worse things to smell like while sitting in the middle of Midwestern Craphole, USA. 400 and some odd miles to go. Must sleep now.

Smoke Blog: The End Draws Near

Mike — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 17:27:43 +0000

The potential tobacco tax I mentioned previously is one step closer to reality as the Senate recently passed the bill that would expand health coverage for children. It passed with such a wide margin that it's expected a veto would do no good. I'm all for better health care for children (and adults for that matter), but I think this bill is half baked. It's a feel-good measure, which is probably where a lot of the support comes from. It's little more than a Band-Aid on a larger problem; sure, it will help kids who are sick, but it does nothing to prevent them from getting sick. It doesn't encourage parents to get their kids outside to exercise. It doesn't educate parents that a diet of fast food and soda pop brings on problems like bone weakness and diabetes. It doesn't educate children to make healthy choices regarding drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. It just bails them out of all of these problems by handing them money. But hey, that's the Liberal Way. It doesn't matter how much it costs or whether it's going to work, it's all about how it makes everybody feel. And helping kids makes everybody feel good, so that's all that matters.

Smoke Blog: CAO Moontrance, Drew Estate Juicy Lucy

Mike — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 02:11:52 +0000

One of the good things about the standard-sized smokes like coronas is they produce a lot of smoke. One of the bad things about the standard-sized smokes like coronas is they produce a lot of smoke. For example, they'll pretty much fill a hotel room wall to wall and floor to ceiling. That's exactly why I picked up a handful of smaller smokes for my trip. And because I didn't want to go stinking up my lugage and laptop, I opted for some flavored smokes. Normally I gravitate toward Drew Estate's ACID Krush Classics tins, but the cigar shop I visited was fresh out so I browsed around for something else. Given Drew Estate hasn't let me down, I snatched up a pair of their Juicy Lucys, smaller smokes from their Natural line. They're about the size of your pinky finger, they have a wrapped tip and a pigtail dangling from the cap, and they taste just like the hometown hottie they must be named for: sweet and luscious. It's hard to describe the exact flavor. Sure, it's sweet, but doesn't have the spicy hint most of the other Drew Estate flavored cigars carry. They make a great diversion from your standard smokes and, as expected, they don't make your room smell like an ashtray in the morning. CAO's Moontrance is a bit different. They're a hair larger than the Juicy Lucy, look like a regular cigar, and come wrapped in a cedar sleeve. You can get them in a box of four, one each of four flavors, but they cost about a third more than a tin of 10 Krush Classics so I just snagged the single, blue-banded Moontrance. It's flavor is also much more subtle than the Krush Classics and Juicy Lucy, so much so you can hardly detect a flavor on them at all. It was a smooth, creamy flavor that was almost an afterthought to what would be just about any other cigar you'd pick up. Not bad, but for the cost I'd spend another buck or two and pick up a decent robusto or toro. It's almost like CAO is trying to find a compromise between a standard cigar and a flavored smoke, and I'm not quite sure these would suit either audience. In the end the Juicy Lucy was far more suited to my needs. However, like the rest of the ACID line, I suspect you'd want to store them separately to prevent the sweet flavor from mingling with your favorite premium cigars or laying a scent into the cedar lining of a humidor.

Sign, Sign, Everything Needs Signing

Mike — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 02:43:52 +0000

I'm about to be buried in signature sheets. First, the sheets for In Delirium II have arrived. I've not been home long enough at one stretch to put a dent in them, but I'm definitely going to get them turned around before heading off to Wizard World Chicago on Thursday. Second, I've just fired my address off to JF Gonzalez, my collaborator on Restore from Backup which is due out, well, probably as soon as I turn the sig sheets aroud. Finally, the sig sheets for In Laymon's Terms have been spotted in the wild, and my name is still on them. I heard about it a week or two ago, so I imagine they'll be showing up any time now. I'm hoping that means the book won't be too far behind all the sheets. It's a beautiful thing.

Got More Money Than Sense?

Mike — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 16:52:57 +0000

If so, then go buy one of these copies of Deadliest of the Species. Thanks to Drew for the link.

Thought for the Day

Mike — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 02:55:26 +0000

My mom found this one:

"A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit." - Richard Bach

I'm still alive and kicking. Really. My keyboard wrangling has been limited to the day job work. And I've got two novellas, a comic, and a comic pitch to write, and a solicit for a comic short just arrived. This would be a lot easier without the day job.

Sleep is for Suckers

Mike — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 03:24:40 +0000

That is all.

Das Tödliche Geschlecht

Mike — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 03:13:03 +0000

That's German for "The Deadly Gender" and the title of the German edition of Deadliest of the Species, which will be released in Germany and Austria in May of 2008 from Otherworld Verlag. I've just chatted with the publisher about cover concepts and I can't wait to see what an artist does with it. I will, of course, post the cover here. I'll be posting a dedicated Deadliest page shortly as well.

TGIF

Mike — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 00:35:23 +0000

It's been a long couple of weeks since Wizard World, as you can probably tell by lack of posts. I work for a school district, which makes this the busiest time of year for me. Taking five days off just a couple weeks before didn't do me any favors, but one trip couldn't be avoided and the other wouldn't be avoided. Things are finally settling down and getting back to normal. This weekend it's back to writing business. Tonight I rest. After my karate workout, anyway.

New Belt, New Kata

Mike — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 15:44:24 +0000

The biggest problem I have with most fitness regimens is they get boring. There are only so many ways you can push, pull, lift, and lug heavy pieces of metal in a gym. A stationary bike gets old fast, and even pedaling around your neighborhood (at least if you live in the sticks like I do) gets repetitive. Running -- if I were a runner, that is -- has the same problem. I really don't understand how people can stick to their routines day after day for months on end, much less years. That's one of the things I love about karate: the variety. One day we're working techniques, the next we're sparring. This time we're concentrating on self defenses, next time it's katas or weapons. The ranking system takes it a step further. The Midget and I earned our yellow belts at our last review several weeks ago, so we're learning a new kata and an array of new stances and techniques. The rank requirements from white belt through brown belt were recently posted in our dojo, and looking ahead we can see there's going to be no end to the variety any time soon. Our new kata is called Wansu. I found a YouTube video of a Seibukan (Shorin-ryu) master running Wansu (aka Wanshu), which is very similar to the way we run the kata in Shuri-ryu. The biggest difference I'm seeing is the lack of a shotei (palm-heel strike) after throwing the opponent to the ground, which, in my opinion, is one of the coolest parts of the kata. There are several other videos of practitioners of other styles running Wansu, but most of them seem to have a very different interpretation. Running a kata is far better exercise than I first imagined. If you're hitting your stances properly, working at speed, and putting 80-90% power behind the strikes and blocks, you'll be improving flexibility, coordination and muscle tone and you'll get a good cardio workout to boot. We typically run it three times in class, and our sensei recommends we do it three times per day at home (they find after three times your technique gets shaky if you're putting full power into it, but I sometimes shoot for four or five runs at home). I've recently taken up the sai to give me yet another option for my home workouts. I was introduced to the say by integrating them into my first kata, Taikyoku Ichi (close enough), but once we started doing more sai in class I bought my own and now I'm practicing a sai-specific kata called Ni Cho Sai, seen here on YouTube as Ni-cho-zai. The differences between the way it's run in this video and the way we run it are very subtle, so I'm not sure the average Joe on the street would even notice them. When you see him spin and point his left sai at the floor near the end, that's actually a throw to pin an opponent's foot to the ground. I practiced actual throws for the first time outside yesterday, which added a new element of fun to my workout. And again, these katas are in addition to practicing new techniques and drills, practicing what little sword I know, and beating on the bag (which, admittedly, I've done less of in the August heat and humidity). As a result I've changed more than just my karate belt colors: I had to buy a new, smaller belt to keep my loosening pants up. I'm still trying to get over that twenty-pound-loss barrier, but I'm down two pants sizes and appear to be on my way through a third. I'm down a shirt size, and I'm also thinking about ditching the goatee (which I've kept in recent years mainly to hide a double chin). I'm most impressed with a change in my muscle endurance, which I noticed during a recent trip with the family. For some time now, if I took even a short walk (a few blocks, maybe), my legs would start to hurt. It felt as if the muscles along the outside of my calves went taut and cramped up, and it was especially painful if I put any speed into the walk. It was irritating and embarrassing when I had to stop every couple hundred yards to stretch out those muscles, which was only moderately helpful. Last weekend I had a long walk ahead of me, with a stocked cooler in tow to boot. To my surprise, I walked a mile and a half with that cooler without a single complaint from my legs. I made the return journey not long after, with the cooler's contents hardly touched, and thought "this is when they'll get me." Nope. No sign of pain or cramping. I was half tempted to go out and walk it again. I thought my legs would ache the next day for sure, but that didn't happen, either. We work from kiba dachi (horse stance) for minutes at a time in class, often with Sensei Miller's constant encouragement to "Drop it lower!" I guess I shouldn't be surprised, because my stance has gotten lower, and my legs don't shake like they used to when I first started. (Now if only I can get my toes to curl back on those front kicks like they're supposed to...) I've been studying at the Academy of Okinawan Karate for just shy of six months now, which is probably longer than I've stuck to any particular fitness regimen, and it's been the most fun and has had the most impact of anything I've tried before. My excitement hasn't waned a bit, and I still look forward to classes every week. I suspect I'm in this for the long haul.

Practice Makes Perfect

Mike — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 01:14:00 +0000

Sunset Kata Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
I looked outside before tonight's practice session, saw the sun dropping toward the horizon, and was suddenly inspired. It's been several weeks since I participated in the 52 Weeks Flickr group, so this made for a perfect opportunity. So, essentially, the entire purpose of this post is to show off this picture. I'm rather proud of it, as all I've done to it is crop it and paint out two bad pixels.

He's Hardcore!

Mike — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 17:55:04 +0000

Every so often we see reports on the news of a big gunfight where maybe a couple of US soldiers are killed but enemy casualties are ten times or more. I often wondered how that can be. Is it superior training? Superior equipment? A little of both? Maybe it's that and because the enemy fights like this guy: Wow. I've seen IDPA hobbyists train harder than that.

I've Signed the Unicorn

Mike — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 03:23:11 +0000

I just spent an hour or so signing the signature sheets for In Laymon's Terms. My wrist is starting to go numb. It's always fun watching one's signature get worse and worse the deeper into the pile one gets. It's also not hard to see why some signers start playing games with their signature: moving it around, signing upside down, making doodles, leaving notes, and so on. For those of you who buy the book, you'll see many of us were destined to be doctors; two other signers left indecipherable scribbles, and mine's not any better. You'll be able to pick out my initials, but that's about it.

Three Day Weekend

Mike — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 21:40:23 +0000

I've got a three day weekend and I don't wanna know nothin'. I don't care that Kevin Bacon's new flick Death Sentence sucks ass. I don't care about David Beckham's knee. I don't care whether or not Tony Snow may have cancer. There's no pro football this weekend, I haven't watched the races lately, and I'm not much interested in watching the backlog of shows on the DVR (with the possible exception of last night's Human Weapon showcasing Krav Maga). I only have a few goals:

Go to karate class (done!)
Write
Grill dinner for the family (soon)
Write
Practice karate for Tuesday's stripe review
Write
Help the Midget practice karate for Tuesday's stripe review
Did I mention write?

More specifically, I want to finish To Rise from the Ashes. My proofreaders, Tod and Troy, have been amazingly patient with this (and slacking on harassing me to finish -- heh), as have those of you who have been waiting for me to get it done. I offer no excuses. Time permitting, or if I get blocked up, I plan to tinker with the scripts to Wounded Gods and maybe even compile my notes for another pitch. This weekend is mine.

Smoke Blog: Resurrected Dominique

Mike — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 17:32:34 +0000

I was a bad cigar smoker. Shortly before Wizard World Chicago, I opened my smaller humidor and discovered about half a dozen cigars I had forgotten about. They were all smaller leftovers from here and there, and they had no humidifier to keep them company. Their papers were dry and brittle, and I figured they were done for, but I decided to put them in the main humidor to see if they would come back to life. Yesterday I tried a small Dominique while the coals for the grill were warming up. I wasn't all that taken with the first two attempts at Dominiques (this one is from the same set), but I wasn't about to fire up one of my Romeos and have to put it out when supper was ready so I clipped the Dominique, grabbed some matches, and went outside. The first few puffs were horrid. They were harsh and smoky, more like a brush fire than a fine cigar. I worried it didn't have the time to soak up the humidity after returning it to proper conditions and it was still just too dry. However, just as I was about to chuck it, the flavor smoothed out a bit. I don't know if the barrel had retained its proper moisture or if that had come back to life first, but once the foot burned back a quarter inch or so everything was fine. This one was better constructed than its previous companions, as I didn't get small bits of tobacco in my mouth and the ash clung in place for about a third of its length before I tapped it off. It had an easy draw that carried a mild, smoky flavor with a short finish. It burned down to the ring well before my burgers and sausages were done, and by the time I sat down to eat I could hardly tell I had a cigar; there was no lingering aftertaste and I didn't smell it on my clothes or fingers. Not a half bad cigar in all, and one that made the wife happy because she didn't have to smell it afterwards.

Laboring on Labor Day

Mike — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 19:28:15 +0000

The boys' noise woke me at 8am, which, thanks to my work schedule, is sleeping in. I fiddled with email a bit, then took a 52 Weeks picture and settled down to write. A thousand words or so later it was lunch, then a little web tinkering before my first session of karate practice. That's when the boys attacked. Twenty minutes of kung fu fighting later, we decided we were in the mood for Enter the Dragon. I finished my karate practice during the opening sequence and credits and here I am back at the keyboard. I'll write off and on during the movie, and then it's back to concentrating soley on the writing. Then it's dinner, some time with the family, and a second session of karate practice (no way am I missing out on that blue stripe tomorrow night). I tell ya, every day should be like this: exercise, fun with the kids, and work I want to do rather than work I have to do. I really need to make some of these projects take off.

Killing You Sweetly

Mike — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 16:34:46 +0000

New Scientist reports high-fructose corn syrup in soft drinks is very well the cause of diabetes. But then, we knew that already. Working in a school district puts a different perspective on seeing schools alternately banning soft drinks or signing exclusive deals with soft drink manufacturers. Schools are expected to handle more and more of a child's learning beyond the three R's, so why not start them on the path to healthy choices? Better to start thinking about it now before the government does it for us. The first step has already been taken by forcing schools to adopt Wellness Policies.

Signs and Portents

Mike — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 19:44:47 +0000

Children Are Scary Sometimes Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
"Look what I drew, Daddy!" This doesn't bode well. This doesn't bode well at all.

The Ghost Who Walks (Onto Your Bookshelf)

Mike — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 20:27:06 +0000

My contrib copies of The Phantom Chronicles has arrived, which means the book is probably available now! This trade paperback features 17 all-new Phantom short stories including one by your favorite author. (Yes, I mean me. Stop laughing, damn you.) The book's Amazon page hasn't been updated to show availability yet, but I imagine that will be rectified soon. In the meantime you can order the book direct from Moonstone or, if you're in the south Chicago suburbs, stop by any of the four Amazing Fantasy shops and ask for it. My contribution is called "The Servants of Set" and puts the Ghost Who Walks up against deadly members of an evil snake cult. It rocks. Hard. Get your copy today.

Smoke Blog: Watching the Storm Go By

Mike — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 04:07:50 +0000

I had a pile of yard waste I wanted to burn before the predicted rain came, so I grabbed one of my Romeo y Julieta Reserva Reals and sat down to watch the bonfire. As I sat and smoked, I saw a storm brewing to the far west. I like watching storms, but it dawned on me this is the first I've ever sat down and watch a storm move. Our view to the west is straight out over a farmer's field, giving us a near-never ending, flat Illinois view of corn or beans in alternating seasons. But if you're watching the sky, the view is perfect: no trees, no houses, no nothing. The lightning flashed through the clouds frequently, and it was quite some time before the thunder got to me. As my cigar grew shorter, so too did that interval between flash and boom. Before long, the lightning filled most of the western sky, not in forked tongues but in great, day-bright flashes that seared the eyes. Then it cut northward. The sky darkened toward sunset, but I could see the dark swathe of clouds consuming the northern sky, and the lightning gave chase. By the time I finished smoking, it had moved around to the north and out of sight behind my neighbors' houses and the trees in their back yards. I'm disappointed it didn't roll straight in and overhead, but it was still great to watch and something I'll have to try again in the future.

Bush's True Origin

Mike — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 17:55:59 +0000

Ever wonder where George W. really came from?

Capitalism, Wow!

Mike — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 19:34:27 +0000

There's a lot of commotion about dangerous products coming out of China lately, and now everyone's in an uproar. Why is everyone so surprised? We've been dealing with it in the IT industry for a while. Bad capacitors on motherboards, bad laptop batteries, and more. This is what happens when you go to the lowest bidder. This is also a country known for polluting their skies and rivers for the sake of progress (Beijing makes LA's smog look like a clear summer night), and to hell with what it does to the people. There's also a great writeup on this on Tim's blog, attributed to Bill Maher. It's like dealing with lowest bids from contractors: they're going to cut corners to make up the difference. Yeah, those model homes are gorgeous with their oak and mahogany and brass, but your house is going to end up with veneer and electroplating because nobody's going to pay what it would cost to do it right. Now there's finger pointing, the accusations that the Chinese are doing it on purpose to kill us all. Never mind that the Chinese government took a drug official out back and (most likely) shot him in the back of the head. (Conversely, if he would have been an American, we would have dragged that trial on for years, and if we even managed to find him guilty he'd be in a country club prison.) The Chinese are happy to take our money, and if we pull all our stuff back home it doesn't do them any good. Besides, it's not like any of our own companies don't sell us dangerous products. And the real bitch of it is if we all started buying only American-made products, we'd all gripe about how much everything costs. Behold, the wonders of capitalism. Like most systems of government and economics, it all looks great on paper. Then people get involved and royally fuck things up.

Aaaaaliens!

Mike — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 14:32:10 +0000

So the latest viral video to hit my inbox claims to be a Haitian UFO sighting: http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=1006571&cache=1 Of course, it's a complete fake. I thought so for many reasons when I first saw it, the least of which being the video is only 21 seconds long. However, the real fun comes in reading the reviews under the video, and all the debate between those who know it's fake and those who want to believe it's real, even after some reviewers provides a link to a Snopes page debunking the video as the creation of a 3D animator. Here are a couple highlights from the reviews:

As a scientist, I can say with 100%, without any proof, that aliens exist and are visiting Earth.

Stop right there, asshat. What kind of scientist doesn't need any proof? You just lost all your credibility privileges. He then goes on to talk about the size of the universe and the primitive nature of humans, which comes right of a sci-fi novel. Yes, the universe is a big place and I too find it hard to believe there's no other life out there, but that doesn't mean said life is cruising for babes in our solar system.

The real show is the moving lights behind these mechanical birds. The ones hogging the show are definitely ours, but if you watch closely toward the end, you ll see the lights above and behind them that are the real thing. It looks like someone sent off a reponse to our visitors.

First off, that came under the subject header "missing the point." Uh huh. A bunch of vague lights are more important than the giant, solid objects in center frame. And someone sent off a "response?" Like what, missiles? F-16's? Or are we talking Close Encounters-style lights and music?

i think its real!! this is a big universe do you really think that us humans are the only thing ? Yeah right!! turn up the volume when you watch the ufo s, what did you hear? listen real close to the back ground sound.. people we are not alone so stop being a stupid human for once..open up the other world thats waiting for us....hey you never know that might be our relatives =) ..

Sure, because sound can't be faked. By this guy's logic, the dinosaur roars in Jurassic Park are authentic recordings, too. Spielberg tapped into the resources of a vast Jewish conspiracy to send a sound crew back in time. Pinhead. And by the way, the rest of the world believes in the shift key on their keyboard and proper punctuation. Use them.

I would just like to add this one thought - Why is it that only men (no motivations, really, just a question) seem to have had UFO experiences? Are there women out there who have these experiences I only read men bringing to light?

Oh, you busted 'em. The aliens are obviously male chauvinist pigs who like football and porno and books about war. They gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense, so they hover in and out of military radar space and run anal probes on rednecks.

Please just realize that the guy that claims to have produced this digital video may be the Government once again doing whatever it takes to keep things quiet and in question.

Slooooooowly I turn, step by step...

i like it...but wait til you see the real thing from the desert...i am a totally changed man and from now on i have a different approach to life.....laws of men seem quite ridiculous...

As do, apparently, the rules of punctuation and capitalization. Maybe you spent a little too much time under the sun in that desert?

just curious?????? what s making everybody so sure this clip is so fake Huh????? or are we all too shook to realize otherwise???

maybe cuz it is fake??? do u think you could get head out of ass???

Now all governments will see that keeping the masses dumb is not so good after all where there most intelligent may not be able to do what some smart guy that was made dumb. X files know what I’m talking about if your just a member of the masses I know your slow to facts is ok you see the light, lol one day hopefully

Umm... what?

Are these fake? No, I see something, so they have to be real.

Maybe Spielberg brought more than just sound effects back on that time travel trip...

OMG, as if u guys cant see its a fake. If these were real UFO S (which they are not) they would be flying higher up and they would be going faster and probably dancing around in the sky instead of like..20 metres above ground. Its fake cause it is way to fat/chunky to be a real UFO and is flying TOO LOW! this is obviously a government project to keep everyone in fear of what really is out there. has the president or anyone else said anything about this? has it been on the news? has it been in the papers? no. therefore it is a set up by the government to scare us all with what they have when it comes to UFO technology. think about it. if there ever was an invasion it would be to save humanity from what is to come with global warming and wars. All UFO s arent the bad guys.

I'm beginning to see a pattern: failure to grasp the basic rules of sentence capitalization is somehow related to failure to grasp basic reality. Look out for that man in black behind you!

Wow, that looks totally real to me! I never thought about floating on some jet turbines and using some turbines on the sides to move around. That is totally mind opening! I love this video!

Whoa! I think it's time to lay off the weed, bro! And go check out the scene with the Harrier in True Lies. That Schwarzenegger can really fly!

This is real ! I just know it. Watch the video again ! This is real ! So fantastic !

Yep, you are so right. Hey, listen, I've got this plot of land on the Moon I've be meaning to sell, and I'd be willing to cut you a great deal... I could go on and on with these, but I probably have better things to do with my day. I'll just leave you with a quote from Bertrand Russell that explains a lot of this behavior:

If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way.

Bye Bye Beardie

Mike — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 18:53:27 +0000

The Yin and the Yang Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Nine and a half years. That's a long time to be wearing a goatee. In those 9.5 years, I've only shaved it off twice. Both times I swiftly grew it back because I couldn't get used to being without it and because it neatly hid a double chin. I've since grown tired of it. Again. I see goatees everywhere now, particularly on round-faced guys like myself. It's almost the fat man's crutch, disguising the extra padding around the face. Mine has also gone quite gray. While the gray streaks do look pretty cool in some pictures, people often see it and guess I'm quite a bit older than I really am. While I'm not vain enough to start dying my goatee (or my hair), I don't mind it as an excuse to shave the goatee. Finally, I've been thinking about the attached picture for a few weeks now. It came off pretty good if you ask me, and it was a lot easier to accomplish than I thought. So the goatee is gone daddy gone. It's been fun wandering around and seeing if people will even notice (and if they do, what their reaction will be). At home, the Midget said I look silly (a label which he slaps on anything different or unusual), but the Squirt and their little sister hardly blinked an eye. The Wife says she'll need a few days to get used to it. At work, so far most people don't seem to have noticed. I get that odd look, like they know something's different but just can't place it, and then it's on to asking me if I can fix their computer. The three coworkers who did figure it out were quite surprised, and I already got the "you look a lot younger" comment. I've decided I'll keep it at least a week or so this time. If it bothers me, I can have a new one grown inside of two weeks. Keep an eye on my next few 52 Weeks pics and you'll know how it went.

One Vote Against

Mike — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 14:16:04 +0000

Most folks seem to dig the new look. My old man is the first to disagree, and sent me this email:

Subject: Geeky Dweeb Everyday Mope Body: That's what you look like without your goatee. You also took off the professor/intellect/ persona. You need to use everything you can at your disposal to look the part of a computer whiz and writer.

Meh. Not unexpected.

Save the Earth with... Salt Water?

Mike — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 19:42:53 +0000

A cancer researcher recently discovered he can burn saltwater and potentially use its energy to drive an engine. As seen in this news footage, he uses radio waves to separate hydrogen from the salt water, then simply uses a spark to ignite the hydrogen. It reminds me somewhat of the Brown's Gas energy debate, but this guy is using RF energy, not electrolysis, to release the hydrogen. The excitement for this is all over the Internet today, and it looks like it does work but requires some study to be sure it is as energy-efficient as it seems. On a related note, a weed called jatropha may replace corn and sugar as a biofuel. Debunking and decrying abound in the article, but the farmers are already growing it and they're looking to use it locally, even if it doesn't go international. The article also talks about Big Oil companies investing in the plant's research. My first reaction was this is against what they'd normally want to accomplish, but in retrospect it makes sense: Big Oil already has the infrastructure and they may as well be ahead of the game when government starts backing ethanol and biofuel development with legislation.

Bid Early, Bid Often

Mike — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 01:36:00 +0000

I just put a copy of Deadliest of the Species on eBay. This one's from my personal collection, so now's your chance to get your hands on it.

Wrong Vibrations

Mike — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 04:20:21 +0000

Tonight I learned The Beach Boys do not in any way, shape or form provide good music to practice karate by. I often flip through the XM music channels on DirecTV during my workouts, and tonight came to a stop on Top Tracks. The Beach Boys' "Good Vibrations" was just beginning, and I couldn't bring myself to start throwing blocks and punches to that beat. Maybe if I changed the lyrics? I'm thinkin' 'bout kickin' your head in You're gonna be eatin' pavement Nah. The music's still too upbeat.

Watch the World Die

Mike — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 04:00:53 +0000

Sort of, anyway. Check out the Worldclock, which my friend Becky pointed me to. It's a compilation of statistics and you can watch how quickly people die versus how quickly new people are born, and you can see how many people die a variety of deaths, sustain a variety of injuries, and how quickly we're generally screwing up the planet over time. Click the Now button for a fresh start and watch us scream toward oblivion. Okay, so it's not quite that bad. But it does put things in perspective and it's a neat tool.

(Anti)Social Networking

Mike — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 17:18:23 +0000

Got a website? Nobody cares. The new big question appears to be "Do you have a MySpace page?" That drives me nuts, because MySpace is a clunky, ugly monstrosity overloaded with obnoxious ads. When asked about MySpace, I still call it the Mos Eisley of the Internet. But enough people asked me if I had a page that I bit the bullet and set one up. Then even more people asked me where to find it, so now I've bitten the bullet and I'm simulcasting my main blog to my MySpace blog. Which leads me to my next MySpace gripe: no API. They force you to do everything through their clunky, pain-in-the-ass site so they can make you watch ads and crash your browser a couple times. There's a WordPress plugin that is essentially a hack to automatically cross-post a WordPress entry to MySpace, but it doesn't work consistently; maybe one in ten posts actually made it through to MySpace. So I scrapped it, and now I get to play the cut-and-paste game. Ah, well. At least MySpace has more uptime than downtime anymore. Next we have the microblogging/presence/social networking sites. At the moment, I've got accounts with Pownce, Jaiku and Twitter for evaluation. They've all got their pros and cons, and I'm still not convinced they'll be as useful as I'd like. Pownce seems like an IM client on steroids. Sure, you can post microblog-style entries, but you can also share files and links quickly. You can do the same over IM, but in this case you can broadcast a message to entire groups or the public, not just to one person or to a small group that may be sharing a chat room with you. I also found a handy WordPress plugin that grabs my Pownce posts and cleanly puts them on my website. However, I have to visit Pownce's website or use their client to post. (By the way, I do have a few Pownce invites if anyone wants to take it for a test drive.) Jaiku is so far my favorite. I can post to it and follow others' posts through an iGoogle widget block thingamabob, so I don't have to visit their site. Also, Jaiku can pull in RSS feeds, so my blog posts and Flickr pics are automagically posted with my Jaiku updates. Very slick. On the down side, Jaiku is sometimes a bit slow and, at times, the pages don't load at all. Also, the existing WordPress plugin simply doesn't work on my site, and the web page widgets Jaiku makes available are a little too big for my page format. Finally, we have Twitter. It's very simplistic compared to Jaiku and Pownce, and it has some performance issues. There's a good WordPress plugin for it, but the posts are a bit messy for my page format. I can write tweets from my WordPress blog with the plugin, but I can also find some iGoogle widgets to do the same. I was using the plugin to send TinyURL links to new blog posts out as tweets, but I found that obnoxious after a while. That's a lot of buts, and overall I find Twitter to be the least interesting of the three. Even their new blocks feature seems pretty pointless. At the moment, all three are fairly useless. Sure, it's cool to post a short, quick update, but when it comes down to it, if I have to be online to post I may as well just suck it up and put those same short posts on this blog. Said posts wouldn't show up on the social services, but at the moment I only have a handful of real friends (people I actually know versus random social network users subscribing to my feed) and not a one of them lives close enough to respond if I say I'm headed out for a beer. Which brings me to SMS. The moblog thing is kind of cool, and posting short items from the road to a microblog makes a lot more sense than doing it from my own blog or a website. For example, live updates from the Wizard World floor are better than having to wait until the con is over for a lengthy review. A combined public feed to a website and show floor monitor would be even better, kind of like the Twitter feed I heard about at SXSW. A live SMS post saying "Brian Keene just mooned the crowd at the Gross-Out" is a lot more interesting than summing it up three days later, after the rumors have already spread through the message boards. There's only one problem: I can't post via SMS. Pownce just doesn't support it, and neither Twitter nor Jaiku accept messages from my provider, US Cellular. The short code for Twitter is unrecognized, and sending messages to the full Twitter phone number doesn't work. On the Jaiku side, they send you a message to activate your phone, but I never receive it. Most users seem to think US Cellular is blocking these sites, and I tend to agree given Jaiku is doing the sending. I emailed US Cellular support, but they claim it's the other way around:

Thank you for contacting our Online Customer Care Department. Unfortunately, we do not have an affirmative answer at this time as to whether or not the two particular social networks will add us to their provider list. Please check back at periodically to see if we have been added.

That puts me in a holding pattern until one side or the other gets their act together. Changing providers really isn't an option, and even if it were, SMS updates is the least of my criteria for selecting a cellular provider. It's all a pointless exercise until I can find a way to determine its effectiveness, anyway. Until then, I'll keep on rolling with the blog and experimenting with MySpace. With at least 40,000 unique visits a month, I must be doing something right.

Less Than 12 Hours

Mike — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 13:44:45 +0000

If you're wanting to get a good deal on Deadliest of the Species, you best get on over to eBay and bid on it. As of this writing it's only $75.00, and previous auctions have gone for over $250.

Gutsy Ads

Mike — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 19:54:23 +0000

I was reading a recent issue of Linux Journal when I stumbled across an ad featuring a prominent picture of a woman's face and the headline "Don't feel bad, our servers won't go down on you, either." I thought that was kind of ballsy for an IT publication, and I've been meaning to scan it to show it off. Turns out several people beat me to it, and Adrants got a hold of it. You can find a larger scan of it here. Personally, I thought the worst part of the ad was the poor design. There's just something a little odd about the way her hair (and everything else) is cropped out of the picture and one eye is darker than the other. Otherwise the headline gave me a chuckle, and while I was surprised LJ ran it, I was far from offended. Apparently -- and unsurprisingly -- others disagree. I can't wait to see how many scolding letters they post in the Letters column, like the time they dared to run a Microsoft ad. The funny thing is, this ad is less offensive than others I've seen. Sure, the headline is more suggestive, but if you flip to the back of Maximum PC you'll see several pictures of scantily-clad women standing next to computers and parts. And do I need to remind anyone of the Go Daddy Super Bowl commercials? There are a few simple facts: 1) Sex sells. If it didn't, they wouldn't have bothered. Nor would the advertisers in the back of MaxPC bother. 2) Bad publicity is good publicity. QSOL doesn't care what people think of the ad, as long as they're talking about it. (Not to mention linking back to them, like I just did.) 3) Geeks are a horny lot. Yes, it's a stereotype, but yes, it fits. Don't believe me? Attend Archon. You may not get all of them to admit it, but there are several of them who would see this ad and emit Beavis and Butthead-style chuckles as they showed it off to their friends. Sex sells to them. Still don't like it? Boo-hoo. Turn the page and forget about it.

Now on Fox: The Great Sharkjumping Extravaganza

Mike — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 04:02:47 +0000

Fox launched their new season tonight, and I think this is the first time I saw two shows jump the shark right out of the gates. (From here on, spoiler warnings apply. If you give half a crap about Prison Break or K-Ville, go read the news or something.) The big kickoff started with Prison Break. To sum up briefly, we have a main character named Michael Scofield who went to prison to save his brother who was given the death penalty for a crime he didn't commit. Over the course of the first two seasons, Scofield busts out his brother and an assortment of cons, some of whom are sad-sack good guys fallen on hard times and at least one of whom is an incorrigible scumbag. Said merry band of miscreants is then pursued by alternately by a sadistic prison guard and a bent, drug-addicted FBI agent connected to the vast government conspiracy that framed Scofield's brother. At the end of season two, and several events of near-shark jump behavior, Scofield, the now-disgraced FBI agent, the prison guard, and the slimiest of slimeball escapees (now minus a hand), all find themselves in a prison in Panama. Tonight we find out it gets better. First of all, it's not just any Panamanian prison, it's the worst prison on the face of the Earth and has been taken over by the prisoners. A year ago, see, the prisoners rioted so bad that the guards cleared out and let the prisoners have the place. The prisoners formed their own society with a sadistic overseer (sensing a pattern?) in charge. Rather than doing something sensible -- like, you know, storming the place and taking it back -- the military forms a prisoner around the prison and shoots anyone who tries to escape. Inside the prison, then, anything goes, yet they still feed convicts to the place. Now that we've stretched the bounds of reality once more, let's just bust on through, shall we? The vast government conspiracy is still around, but in a matter of great coincidence (the show hinges on such conveniences) they have some guy who's already been imprisoned in the place, and they want Scofield to bust him out. He busted out of a prison before, why not make him do it again? And to make sure he cooperates, they have his nephew and his girlfriend (who, by the way, was a nurse who helped bust him out of his original prison) held hostage. And if that weren't enough, the sadist in charge thinks Scofield's a threat and wants him dead, the FBI agent is trying to make amends to Scofield, the scumbag inmate is buddying up with the sadist in charge, and the sadist US prison guard (who is now almost comic relief) is mercilessly abused by the other inmates. Fill up the tank and fire up the bike, boys, because here we go! Yet I still find the show strangely compelling. It's not quite train-wreck entertainment like 24, but I do enjoy the overall plot if not some of the crutches and artificial suspense it's developed along the way. And hey, I've watched it jump the shark a few times already, so why stop now? Maybe this time they'll fall in and I'll get to see blood. (Side note: I just saw a commercial for a Mark Knopfler CD featuring a song called "Punish the Monkey". Whaaa?) They followed Prison Break with the main event: the series premier of K-Ville. If Prison Break was a shark jump, K-Ville is more like an octogenarian on a moped roaring through the wreckage of a dropped goldfish bowl. There were several points in the show I thought "Ah, there's the jump," only to have that moment topped by the next. The formula on this one is very familiar: two mismatched cops dropped into a crummy assignment, one the dedicated hard-ass loner and the other the hopeful do-gooder determined to make the relationship work. Since that's been done before, we need a twist, yes? Let's drop them into the wreckage of New Orleans! Nothing beats a parable about a national tragedy, right? Right. At least the network execs seem to agree, anyway. Hero one, played by Anthony Anderson, is our dedicated loner who has been deeply affected by Hurrican Katrina. His partner abandoned him in the thick of the disaster, his family doesn't want to come back, his neighbors are selling their homes, but he sees hope in everything and is frustrated by the squalor that persists two years after the disaster. Hero two is played by Cole Hauser and he's our hero with something to hide (which I'll get to shortly), and is also an apparent crusader bent on redeeming the Big Easy. As Anderson's character mercilessly slashes at our heartstrings with a dull machete, the dark side of Katrina plays out through the plot. First, we have Anderson's partner who took off in the middle of the diaster. The guy is totally irredeemable as far as Anderson is concerned, and even when the ex-partner helps save the day at the end and winds up in a car sinking in the river, Anderson has the moment of hesitation and doubt, thinking the sea deserves to swallow up his former friend. Then we have the government angle, with the police department underfunded, undermanned, and generally neglected in every way, shape and form. And finally, we get the cynical view that some have expressed, which says the hurricane wasn't a disaster, it was a cleansing that rid the city of the dregs of society. This is focused on a woman, the daughter of a rich casino owner (our foil in this plot), who Anderson manages to make a great leap of logic to track down. Mind this is after Anderson and Hauser throw down because Anderson just doesn't trust Hauser. And just for an added dash of flavor, the bad guys are employees of a fictional security contractor with a name suspiciously close to Blackwater USA, a real-life security contractor often fingered by anti-war groups. Hey, we've got New Orleans politics, why not throw in hints of world politics? Rolling your eyes yet? I'll give you one more. Anderson was right, Hauser's character is not to be trusted! Turns out Hauser's character is actually an ex-con who has been so deeply affected by the drowning of his cellmate that he is on the streets seeking redemption. He took advantage of the loss of records to pretend to be an ex-Army Ranger from Cincinatti. I guess with Hurricane Katrina, the entire national database was destoryed and the New Orleans PD just couldn't find a way to run an accurate background check before hiring a police officer. This is capped off by the best line ever from Anderson, which I'm going to paraphrase because I don't quite remember it (but it really was this bad):

Deep down inside, if you're still a con, I'm going to know about it. And I'm going to be there to take you down!

Yes! I'm all aquiver with testosterone and adrenaline! Thanks, Fox, for demonstrating why the summer seasons on cable can rock so hard.

At least I've got one less excuse to keep me from writing this fall.

Gutsy Ads Redux: Smells Like Pu$$y

Mike — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 16:39:48 +0000

If yesterday's ad alluding to conservative girlfriends wasn't racy enough for you, Boing Boing today features a link to an ad for a new feminine fragrance for men and a similar ad that is probably satire or something. (And hey, if the ad in the articles linked above are not racy enough for you, check out the Tom Ford website. Definitely NSFW.) The big question on my mind is what does this stuff really smell like? Is the ad giving us a hint, or is it just supposed to catch our eye? The list of fragrances on his website doesn't really clear things up, and the bottle just has the guy's name on it. If it makes me smell like snatch, I would think my pants would get mighty uncomfortable after a time. I admit there were times back in high school I took a whiff of the ol' finger and grinned as it evoked a memory of an event earlier that same night, but I'm not sure that's a smell I want to carry with me all day. I also wonder how they reproduce that smell. Are there long assembly lines of women straddling... Never mind, I'll stop right there. You get the idea. I'll also spare you the image I have of the quality control part of the job. On the other hand, if the label's accurate, what does Tom Ford smell like? Judging by the website and ads, I would say pretentious asshole. Which, quite frankly, isn't something I want to smell like, either.

Smoke Blog: Contemplating Health

Mike — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 04:18:12 +0000

It seems almost counterproductive to step outside for a cigar following an hour-long karate workout, but I did it anyway. The Romeo y Julieta Reserva Real proved to be even more relaxing than normal, and the balmy weather and cool breeze rounded things out nicely. I got to thinking about my health as I puffed, and it dawned on me how far I've come. Since I started really thinking about my health in 2005, and I started getting some exercise and paying more attention to what I eat, I've lost 40-45 pounds. I did slack a bit in 2006 and wonder how much more I'd have dropped if I'd been able to maintain a workout regimen then, but it's not getting me down. In the six months since I joined the Academy of Okinawan Karate, I've lost just over 20 pounds. Not too shabby. To put it in perspective, it's like peeling the Squirt off of me. He weighs just over 40 pounds at last measurement, and watching him walk around -- or even picking him up -- and thinking about that much being permanently attached to me is staggering. It's no wonder I've dropped several sizes of clothing; that weight's got to come off somewhere. I feel better than I have in ages. My endurance has noticeably improved, and while I've still got a ways to go, I generally feel fit. What harm can one cigar do? :)

Tom is Full of Crap

Mike — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 12:29:12 +0000

If you're on MySpace, you know who Tom is. He's the guy who runs the place, who puts his profile on every friends list ever created, and sends out all those little messages every time MySpace is hacked, down, or otherwise suffering some misfortune. Tom also tries to protect us from spam. As I've said, MySpace is the Mos Eisley of the Internet (because "you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy"), and this becomes obvious in all of the spam friend requests and messages one receives. There are solicitations for everything from free iPods and game consoles to pictures of naked broads and solicitations for singles networks. If enough users flag these as spam, then the profiles are deleted. Just the other day I had eight friend requests, and every one said "profile deleted." Okay. So Tommy wants to keep out most of the scum and more villainous. I can dig it. But today, after marking a few of those same solicitation profiles as spam, I was presented with an ad for a singles network:

While this ad doesn't feature the nudity, is there anyone out there who believes these things are not tamer versions of ads for the same hook-up sites? I don't care if people use them, my beef is with Tom: why is it so objectionable for (supposed) users to advertise thinly-veiled porn sites, but just fine for you to bombard us with the same ads yourself? How can you say you try to keep MySpace safe from child predators, then potentially expose them to the same predators by directing them to hook-up sites? Oh, I get it. Because they pay you. Way to sell out there, chief. (Update: Half an hour after I posted this, I received 26 spam friend requests. Heh.)

How Far They Fall

Mike — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 16:20:19 +0000

I was just a kid when the Reverend Jesse Jackson ran for president, and it was his second time around I was really becoming aware of national politics. Maybe it was just the school I went to, or the teachers I happened to have, but I remember him as being someone to look up to. He was often compared to Martin Luther King, Jr. and called a heroic figure, a crusader to improve race relations. Today, it astounds me at how far he's fallen from that image. During the national attention surrounding the Jena 6, the 6 black teens on trial for beating a white student, he accused Senator Barack Obama of "acting white" (then of course backpedaled when questioned). To top it off, he failed to learn his lesson in Decatur and is now expected to join Reverend Al Sharpton in a March on Jena, Louisiana. Let's look at the first part of that, his calling Obama white. I really hope there's video or audio of that out there somewhere, because "it doesn't accurately represent my feelings" just doesn't cut it. If he didn't feel that way, he wouldn't have said it in a public forum. And he knows it's wrong, otherwise he wouldn't be backing away from his statement. As for Jena, I think he is once again marching in without the whole story. For starters, I completely agree something should have been done about the "white tree" at the school and the students who hung the nooses from the tree should have been punished with more than a three-day, in-school suspension. No question about it, given the zero tolerance problems at many schools result in students facing harsher punishments for significantly lesser offenses. If this white kid, Justin Barker, was involved in the noose prank, he deserved a good, old-fashioned ass-whooping. But let's not forget, mob justice isn't exactly legal in the US. Nor is vigilantism. If the Jena 6 truly have the courage of their convictions, they should deal with the consequences of their actions. There's also a question of severity; there's a big difference between an ass-whooping and attempted murder, if that's really what the boys were after. The next problem is the prosecutors are not convinced the fight had anything to do with the nooses:

"A lot of things happened between the noose hanging and the fight occurring, and we have arrived at the conclusion that the fight itself had no connection," said Donald Washington, U.S. attorney for the Western District of Louisiana.

This is a US attorney for the state, not some local, good ol' boy sheriff who may be siding with The Man. The Wikipedia article references say there were over 40 student statements about the fight, none of which mentioned the nooses. They have also reduced the charges for some of the Jena 6, and referred some of them back to juvenile court, which I would expect is good news. Not good enough, apparently, for Sharpton and Jackson. There are a lot of questions that Jackson should be asking, and to be fair, a lot of things the media hasn't been telling us:

Who were the students involved in the noose incident? Was Barker one of them or not?
Have any of the Jena 6 confessed to attacking Barker and/or made a statement on why they attacked him?
If the state is charging Robert Bailey, Bryant Purvis, and an "unidentified juvenile" (I'm assuming Jesse Ray Beard) with attempted murder and conspiracy to commit murder, then what is listed as the motive? References in the Wikipedia article suggest to me that Barker opened his mouth, one of the attackers shut it for him, and the rest of the Jena 6 joined in. If I understand "conspiracy to commit murder" correctly, however, it suggests those charged were out to find Barker.
What, if anything, has the US attorney done about the noose incident now that they've investigated it and proven the fight was unrelated?
Why did the superintendent and school board overturn the principal's recommendation for expulsion of the students in the noose incident?
What, if anything, has the school district done to prevent, discourage, and/or deal with such racially-charged incidents in the future (both the "white tree" and the beating)?
What is the status of the investigation into the arson that destroyed the main high school building on November 30th, 2006?
Last and most certainly not least, what exactly do Sharpton, Jackson, and the demonstrators want? Do they want the problem solved, or do they just want 6 young black men set free? If the former, what do they suggest? If the latter, how is that going to improve race relations in Jena, Louisiana?

On a related note, I think we can do without the hayseed picture of Barker and his tractor. How nice that CNN would select a "harmless white boy" picture of Barker and set it next to Mychal Bell in football uniform with an angry or aggressive expression (which I would imagine has to do with his being in uniform, not some implied hatred of white kids). In the end, I suspect this one will end similar to the Decatur incident: they'll quietly roll out of town and that will be the end of it. What happened, Reverend? Did you change, or was I just too young, blind, or stupid to not see you for who you really are? Addendum: Thank you Roland S. Martin for breaking it down on CNN. As he says, it's not about the celebrities (including Jackson and Sharpton), it's not about getting the Jena 6 off, it's about seeing equal justice. Was this attempted murder or not, and if so, prove it.

Darwin Award - Near Miss

Mike — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 17:14:36 +0000

On a lighter note, a guy from Portland tried to nominate himself for the Darwin Awards yesterday in a story remarkably similar to the ones that start with drinking and end when the "winner" says "Hey guys, watch this!" In this case, he stuck a rattlesnake in his mouth. Turns out Matt Wilkinson is a snake collector, and he found this rattler on a highway and took it home. While playing with it at a party, he almost handed it to his ex-girlfriend. When she didn't want anything to do with it, he tried to prove the snake was harmless by putting it in his mouth. Predictably, the snake bit him. His tongue swelled from the venom and he required surgery to prevent his own tongue from choking him to death. Nice job, dumbass. Please don't breed.

Surprise! Got a Bandage?

Mike — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 15:31:18 +0000

Brian hit 40 today, so his wife flew Mike Huyck and I out to kick some sense into him and convince him he's not a broken-down old man about to die tomorrow. We flew into BWI, jumped in a rented Charger, and cruised out to Journey's End. On the trip, we tried to figure out just how we'd pull off the surprise. An hour later, I walked into Brian's roof. Surprise! I have a gaping head wound! Yes, you read that right: I walked into the roof. In our infinite wisdom, we decided to sneak around the back of the garage to get into Brian's office. The ground slopes up and away behind it, so as I'm watching my step around the remains of his old shed, the roof attacked me. Bam, flat on my ass. It's dark, but I feel warm and wet on my face and my hand comes away bloody. It's dark, can't see shit, but come on, what else can it be? Mikey takes one look at me and alters the plan: "How about we just go knock on the front door and ask for some paper towels?" Just that moment the phone goes beep beep! A text message has come in, but I can't grab the phone yet. We walk around the corner and there's Brian coming down from his deck with the dog. Ah. The text message must be from Cassi and say "B's walking the dog." "Hello?" Brian calls out. Judging by his expression, he is wondering if he needs to start shooting. "Hey bro!" we say. "Holy shit!" he says when he gets sight of me. I'm not sure who made it to the house first: Brian running for towels and bandages or his dog Sam trying to flee the strangers who are obviously out to get him. At this point I think I am so blogging this. (And, as it happens, this is a great way to celebrate my 3000th blog post.) After a flurry of activity, the bleeding is under control. Which, of course, means it's time to take a picture.

It's also at this point we decide to involve Coop. Coop is not only one of our best friends, he's a paramedic. And he happened to be on duty at the time, albeit doing a brake job on one of his buses. (In a past life, Coop was also a mechanic.) The text message to Coop went like this:

Bring ur first aid kit when u come out. Busted my melon, MIGHT need butterfly bandage. Stress on MIGHT. Bleeding stopped easy.

The resulting phone call from Coop went like this: Me: "Hello?" Coop: "Can't we have a normal fucking weekend for once!?" Me: "Hi Coop! I walked into the roof." Coop: "How the fuck do you walk into a roof when you're five foot fucking four?" Actually I'm 5'7" and change, but it's hard to correct the paramedic when you can't stop laughing. After calming Coop's nerves, he tells us he's got to test the brakes so he'll see how far the test drive takes him. At this point the gash is steadily weeping blood. It'll bubble up a bit, then after five or ten minutes send a trickle down my nose or into my eye. By the time that slowed a bit more, we heard a siren in the driveway. "Coop's here!" Standing under the porch light isn't all that conducive to proper medical care, so Coop says "Step into my office." Following some concerned probing by Coop and his boss, it was determined I had the option of a butterfly bandage or stitches. The former would be sufficient, but the latter would prevent scarring. Given the latter would also cost money, I opted for the masculine scar that would make a great story over a round of beers. This is when a dual realization struck me:

The good thing about a scalp wound above the hairline is the hair can potentially hide it.
The bad thing about a scalp wound above the hairline is there is nothing for a bandage to stick to.

Out came the disposable razor. Scritch scritch scritch. Then came the laughter. "You might want to think about shaving your whole head," says Coop. "Way ahead of you, bro," says I. In fact, I thought the very same thing as soon as he produced the razor. This morning after a shower, I'm somewhere between "not so bad" and "special ed."

The guys say I can shave the little bit off the left side and it'll look like a receding hairline. Ah, yes, because looking like Brain on his 40th is so much better. Anyone got a hat?

Restore From Backup Now Available

Mike — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 18:20:29 +0000

Roy at Bad Moon Books has announced Restore From Backup, a novella by JF Gonzalez and myself, is now in stock and ready to ship! You can get yourself a paperback edition for the low-low price of only $15.00 right here. Over half the paperbacks have been sold in pre-publication, so order your copy soon! The hardcover edition should be arriving from the printer shortly as well. This edition is long sold out, so a big thanks goes to those of you who made that happen! We greatly appreciate it.

Is There a Breeze In Here? Oh, Right... I'm Bald

Mike — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 19:03:56 +0000

Now that I've tried to split my head open, I figured I couldn't really do any more harm to myself and just shaved the ol' nugget. I procrastinated about it until Sunday, when I finally borrowed Brian's hair clippers and sheared my skull like a sheep. By leaving the guard off, I was able to get right down to the scalp. Little bits of hair were already sprouting up around the perimeter of the wound by that point, so I chose not to shave it clean with a razor. Like most of you said in comments, it does look better than a faux receding hairline. However, it does look (and feel!) very odd. I can also see where the scar is going to be, as well as the consequent cowlick. I half wonder if it will be bad enough that I'll have to grow my hair back out. I've thought about doing that for a while now, but the convenience of just running the clippers across my skull and not having to futz with making appointments and paying for a barber or stylist is hard to give up. It's also nice not having to spend time in the morning getting it right, or worrying whether or not it'll go nuts when I wake up in the morning. With the buzz it's just get it wet, dry it off, and go. Drying after a shower is measured in seconds, not minutes (or hours, as thick as my hair used get). I've been drawing a lot of funny looks at work. Most of the students don't see me much so don't ask, but amongst the teachers the two most common questions are:

"Did you have to get stitches?"
"Was there alcohol involved?"

I would imagine the first question would be obvious, as stitches don't disappear in three days. A zipper running up the front of my head would be hard to miss, no? As for the second question, I can't really fault them on that one. It tends to come from those teachers who know I'm a writer and have heard some of my convention tales, so it's my own fault. Meanwhile, at karate, the sarcasm came out. My favorite was "There's Mike, looking like an escaped con with a weird scar tattoo on his forehead!" Heh. But it doesn't compete with what we came up with over the weekend. I hesitate to elaborate here, knowing some of the folks who will be reading this, so instead I will drop the reference the horror crowd will understand:

"Grandpappy, what's a header?"

'Nuff said.

Score One for the Good Guys

Mike — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 16:44:23 +0000

A federal judge has ruled parts of the Patriot Act unconstitutional! Specifically, she has thrown out the provisions of the USA PATRIOT Act that violate the probable cause portion of the Fourth Amendment. Ben Franklin said it best:

"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

It's nice to see some judges remember that. To quote a passage from the article, here's how US District Judge Ann Aiken summed up the problem:

"For over 200 years, this Nation has adhered to the rule of law -- with unparalleled success. A shift to a Nation based on extra-constitutional authority is prohibited, as well as ill-advised," she wrote. She said that by asking her to dismiss Mayfield's lawsuit, the U.S. Attorney General's office was "asking this court to, in essence, amend the Bill of Rights, by giving it an interpretation what would deprive it of any real meaning. This court declines to do so."

Now let's hope Congress is paying attention and stops passing reactionary laws.

Mutants... From... SPAAAACE

Mike — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 20:26:57 +0000

When scientists get bored and have an overabundance of funding, they get to do really cool things like blast bacterium into space, just to see what happens. They recently did just that with the salmonella bacterium, and it came back as a mutant superbug. One would think the scientists would say "uh oh, that's not good" and maybe back off a little. Nah. Now they're shooting tardigrades up there (found via Boing Boing). Tardigrades, aka "water bears," are microscopic animals that manage to live in some of the most extreme conditions on Earth and have survived things like radiation and intense heat. The plan, then, is to see how cosmic rays and other factors affect the little guys. When the tardigrades return, the researchers will examine them and see if their cellular makeup and/or their DNA have been damaged. Sure, salmonella turned into a superbug in zero g alone. Why not blast these little guys up there, and then expose them to cosmic rays to boot? What the hell, right? What's the worst that can happen?

This is Your Modern World

Mike — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 21:30:01 +0000

Watching Windows install itself is about as exciting as watching paint dry, particularly when it's going onto a new hard drive in a server that puked its guts up the day before, Dell failed to deliver a new hard drive, and there are two buildings full of people relying on services to be restored, so I've got another just-for-fun post for you. Server meltdowns aside, we like to think we live in a fairly advanced world. We've got TV, the Internet, cell phones, iPods, and many more cool, electronic toys. Science and technology take longer strides every day, and the next big breakthroughs are always right around the corner. Then I read something that reminds me we're still the same sad, superstitious fools we've always been. Witness the Indian airline who sacrificed goats to appease a sky god. Can't fix the (man-made) flying machine? Make the gods happy. Observe the African politician who hired a witchdoctor to influence an election. Can't appeal to the people with your charm and wit? Cast some spells on their asses. Go see how Ugandan police arrested members of a doomsday cult who believed flooding in their country heralded the coming Apocalypse. Their leader thinks he talks to God, and is undeterred by the world's failure to come to an end in 2000 (when another cult killed 800 of its members, apparently just to be sure). Check out the guy who says angels live on Mars (found via Tim), which is not merely a planet but a representation of the pain Jesus suffered on the cross and was named after Satan by the Romans. (No, really. Go read it. I'll be here when you get back.) I can show you right now that they're all wrong. See, Jesus lives on this guy's driveway. Not to be trumped by His son, God put his signature on an eggplant. Suitably chastised, Jesus retreated to somebody's kitchen. (Then again, maybe he was embarrassed about his Mother hanging out in pizza parlors and slumming under the Kennedy expressway.) Welcome to the Devolution.

Feel Lucky, Punk?

Mike — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 20:13:07 +0000

I've got a fair amount of experience behind a gun, and though I'm not a sharpshooter I can hit my target and maintain a tight group. I've even done some defensive simulations through IDPA matches, which is a lot of fun on top of being practical. In short, while I don't anticipate ever finding myself in a gunfight, I can reasonably expect I'll be able to handle myself. None of that prepares you for being on the other side of the gun. If a mugger were to step out of an alley and put a gun to my head, all the shooting practice in the world wouldn't do me a lick of good. Let's assume for a moment I did have a gun holstered at the small of my back. While IDPA match stages do start with a draw (or a similar retrieval, such as from a nightstand or glove compartment), it's not quickdraw. Even if I did practice quickdraw, I find it hard to believe I'd get a shot off before the mugger. As such, I might as well not have the gun at all. This, I feel, is a much more likely scenario than a gunfight. As such, when my karate school offered a gun defense seminar on Saturday, I signed up. I also thought it would be a lot of fun, like my Shuri-ryu instruction (truth be told, fun was the bigger motivator than self-defense concerns). That afternoon I handed over a check, bowed onto the mat, found a partner, and was issued an orange, rubber handgun. The first thing we learned was the only defense if a shooter is twenty feet or so away: run like hell. The theory here is convicts don't practice their shooting, so your chances of being hit are low. Unlike what you see in the movies, it's actually fairly difficult to hit a moving target. In fact, if you're not taking the time to aim, it's difficult to hit a stationary target, and your neighborhood mugger probably isn't going to take the time to line up his sights before squeezing the trigger. With that covered, we got into the meat of the seminar. My second lesson came after watching my partner nearly get crippled: don't volunteer for shit. (By the end of the night, if Shihan Walker asked "who's got a gun?", most people quickly dropped theirs on the mat and backed away.) We covered several methods, all dependent upon where the person put the gun. Face, back of the head, side, middle of the back, gut, it didn't matter. The cool thing was there were only a few basic moves that covered all of the situations, so it was just a matter of applying them to the appropriate side if necessary. We even covered what if the mugger held the gun with two hands, what if he had your lapel in one hand and pressed the gun to the underside of your jaw, and what if the mugger had a hand around your shoulders/neck and the gun to your temple. Finally, he demonstrated a couple we didn't practice, such as if the mugger held a hostage. The moves we learned come from the Haganah and Mike Lee Kanarek's F.I.G.H.T. system. Haganah is a compilation of Israeli fighting techniques borrowed from styles like Krav Maga. Shihan Walker also teaches Haganah at the Academy of Okinawan Karate, and my sensei, Trent Miller, gave me a taste in class once. I can tell you, the Israelis don't screw around. I'd sign up in a heartbeat if it didn't cost so much (in addition to what I'm paying for my karate lessons, that is -- on its own it's no more expensive than a martial arts course). You can see one of the gun disarms in a video on the FIGHT website (or just click here). In that video, you see part of the first disarm (pushing the gun to the side), and then he finishes by demonstrating the disarm with the gun pointed to the face or forehead. Like many of the disarms we learned, they're uncomfortable for the attacker and he may even end up shooting himself. We also saw what would happen if the mugger held his gun to the victim's forehead in a gangsta grip; chances are he'd lose all the skin on his trigger finger. I was skeptical at first, knowing what I do about guns and their operation. I'm not entirely confident even the strongest of grips will be able to prevent the slide on a semi-auto from rocking back if a shot were fired, and assuming you could keep a revolver's cylinder from rotating in double-action, it wouldn't matter if the hammer were already cocked back. There's also the question of searing-hot gases escaping from an ejection port, around the cylinder, or through barrel vents. The good news is I do think a victim could get out of the way of the shot if the disarms were executed properly. We tried to "shoot" Shihan and one another several times, and if there's any real speed, the victim is out of the line of fire before the shot is fired. A semi-auto would jam because the spent case would not be able to eject through your hand. A revolver would be questionable, as I'm not sure how tough it would be to keep the cylinder from rotating. An empty revolver is easy enough to test, but testing an automatic would take a set of welding gloves and a giant pair of brass balls. It may be a moot point, anyway. If the intended victim reacts fast enough, there won't be a second shot. At least one disarm would result in the mugger shooting himself, and with the rest the gun would be in the victim's hand before the second squeeze. There's also a good chance the mugger is on the ground nursing a ruined finger, in a daze, or even unconscious. Which leaves the final question of what to do with the gun now that it's in your hands. Personally, I'd hold the perp there until the cops showed up. But what if he doesn't think I can get the shot off? What if he assumes I won't shoot him, or won't have good aim? Then I get to ask him a simple question: Do you feel lucky, punk?

Skull-Eating Roof

Mike — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 21:22:18 +0000

The Infamous Roof Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
I finally got around to uploading the pics from the weekend trip to Keene's place, and here you can see how my five-foot-four-inch self managed to whack my head on his roof. We're pretty sure the missing piece of wood Brian's pointing at was knocked out by my head.

Kick Me in the Jimmy

Mike — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 21:26:07 +0000

Nutshot! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
This is a perfect example of why it's important to always wear a cup to karate. After what felt like an eternity of waiting for Bill to take the first shot in our sparring match, I jumped in for a kick. He blocked and followed it up with a kick of his own. Right to the nuts. A lot of people didn't see the hit, but everybody heard the hollow thunk of his foot on my cup. If I hadn't been wearing it, I probably wouldn't need to worry about talking to a doctor about a vasectomy anymore.

Review of Restore from Backup

Mike — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 13:36:29 +0000

If you've been holding off on purchasing a copy of Restore from Backup, maybe Roscoe's review will give you the incentive to pull the trigger. Here's a taste:

Restore From Backup, a geeky/horror novella written by J.F. Gonzalez and Michael Oliveri and published by Bad Moon Books, has been my bedside companion this week, and is clearly one of the scariest stories I’ve read in a long, long time: perfect for this Halloween month.

Thanks, Roscoe! Remember: the hardcovers are sold out and the trades were over half sold in pre-publication. Buy yours today!

The Phantom Chronicles

Mike — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 16:50:21 +0000

You can now purchase The Phantom Chronicles through Amazon and Barnes & Noble! Amazon: Paperback Hardcover Barnes & Noble: Paperback Hardcover Enjoy!

Lick My Eye Disease

Mike — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 17:32:14 +0000

My left eye weeps steadily, forcing me to daub it with a tissue from time to time so it doesn't get rubbed raw. It makes me feel like a James Bond villain, like I should be at the controls of an orbiting mind control laser (or at least playing ~~baccarat~~ Texas hold 'em) rather than jockeying a keyboard to ensure kids can take reading quizzes. The pink eye took hold Saturday. It had already torn through all three of the rugrats, hit my mom shortly after, then somehow made it to a teacher at school a couple weeks later (may or may not be my fault, but we share a phone), and finally came full circle and kicked my cornea. My wife is frantically nuking every surface in the house with a Clorox spray to scourge any germs that may be waiting to kick her in the cornea. If she keeps it up, the place will sparkle like the phony sets in kitchen cleanser commercials. I think she's even contemplating bringing Billy Mays and one of his miracle cleaners on board. At the very least, he could shout the germs to death. I also feel like I'm developing OCD. I carried a Clorox wipe with me the first day back to work, and drew some funny looks from teachers and students when I'd type a few things on a nearby keyboard, click around the mouse, then pull a wipe and swipe everything I'd touched. Then I'd daub my eye with a tissue and start all over again. I reach over and jerk off the hand sanitizer every few minutes, and I rub its goo all over my hands. Just in case. The last time I had pink eye, I thought it was just something in my eye. At that time, I was replacing a water heater and thought a piece of metal or solder, or maybe the solder flux, was causing the irritation. I went to the doctor a few days later, got diagnosed, and had to get this piece of pink film growing in the corner of my eye cut out. (Yes, cut out. Creepy.) I walked around with it for days and it didn't spread. This time? It's like it leaps across a hard gaze. Fortunately we had the eye drops on hand after it hit the rugrats, so I was able to contain it quickly. Now I just hope my eye stops dripping so I can lose the temptation to shove a hot poker into my sclera.

The Disease, It Spreads

Mike — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:22:45 +0000

The evil Mr. Pink Eye decided this weekend that one eye wasn't enough, so he shot his foul seed into my right eye. Once again, all was well Saturday morning in karate class. A few hours later I looked in a mirror and saw the nasty pink in my right eye. Back to the drops again. And back to the near-constant weeping. The wife, taking no chances, now sprays down my phone and glasses with the Clorox germ killer, and is one step from just wrapping me in cellophane and being done with things once and for all. It's helped contribute to what I'm coming to think of as the Lost Weekend. Life in the real world was just fine, as I was visiting with my parents and brother, taking the kids to the park, and so on. No, it was the online world that was lost. I hardly touched the laptop, so of course the fecal matter hit the rotating blades at full speed. First it's always nice to get a critical email from a friend 14 hours after he really needed a response. It turned out to be nothing, but it made for a real sphincter-tightening evening. Then came the closer reading of an email from an artist requesting a Skype conversation about some sketches for a horror comic project. Requesting said conversation over the weekend. Whoops! Cue litany of apology. At least the accompanying sketch rocks. Writing? Yeah. Right. Sure, a page in the van, but nothing more. At least copious notes went into the Moleskine about yet another comic project. They don't mean Jack Shit until they hit the computer and an editor's email box, but it's a step closer and at least I feel a little productive. To top it off, I mistakenly thought I'd taken care of my fantasy teams. Wrong. In one league I played one of the most hardcore managers in the league, and in the other my opponent also forgot to cover his byes. Guess which league is the one I'm in for money? Yeah. It's a beautiful thing.

Another RFB Review

Mike — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 02:49:55 +0000

Still not convinced you need a copy of Restore from Backup? Maybe Steve Vernon's review over at FearZone will make a good case for it.

This is a tale that will delight every single computer caveman klutz out there, who, like me, loves to use the darned machines but hasn't the faintest idea just how they work.

Don't worry, IT people are loving it, too. Buy yourself an early Xmas present. Go on, you earned it!

Moment of Stupidity

Mike — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 15:36:50 +0000

The Illinois legislature recently passed a law requiring all schools to observe a moment of silence. The law had been previously vetoed by the governor, but the Illinois House and Senate overrode the veto. I have a lot of problems with this, beyond it being a way for the religious right to sneak mandatory prayer into schools. First and foremost is a problem of enforcement. How do you make a child observe a moment of silence, be it to sit and reflect or to pray? Are schools supposed to hand out detentions for students who talk or move around? What are we supposed to do when students who do pray start complaining that other kids aren't being quiet enough during their legal time to pray? Furthermore, how about schools who don't observe? Right now, two buildings in my district have put the moment of silence in place, but the third has not because the administration disagrees with the law. Do you throw the principal in jail? Fine him or the school? The moment of silence in the buildings observing it is ten seconds long. I don't pray, but I have to wonder, is that really long enough? It seems to me you're not getting much out. Maybe a Catholic prayer from rote, like an Our Father, will fit in 10 seconds, but how many people really feel a connection with their deity of choice by mumbling out a few sentences? Let's look at it from another religious standpoint: is this now the only time a child can pray? How many people will take it to the opposite extreme and restrict prayer at other times, whether out of spite or out of being a stickler for the law? The long and the short of it is I really don't understand why this has to become a law, especially since they state already guaranteed schools the option of holding a moment of silence in 2002. It's taking time away from real issues (such as the state budget), it's not going to do anything but stir up controversy, and it's only a matter of time before someone takes it to court. It's just another case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease. If a child wants to pray at school, they're going to. I live in a religious community, and there's a large group that has shown up for See You at the Pole every year I've been here (and it's held on school property, no less). Last year's graduation ceremony opened with an invocation, and at events like the staff Christmas dinner or the school board dinner before school begins, someone says a prayer before we eat. If our students want to sneak in a prayer, they've got recesses and study halls, passing periods, quiet moments in class, rides or walks to and from school, and their lunch hour. If there are staff members who want to pray, they've got prep time and lunch as well. How is ten seconds at the beginning of the day going to change anything? If a school or community were that worried about it, they would have already put the moment of silence in place.

Ready for Launch

Mike — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 16:32:53 +0000

Tit Shuttle Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Imagine this baby on the news: "Check out the Nice Tits rolling out to the launchpad, Bob. That sight always fills me with a sense of awe, and in just a few short minutes every American will be able to look into the sky and see the Nice Tits soaring overhead." "You said it, Chad. It's a credit to our space program that the Nice Tits can still inspire children to become engineers and astronauts after all these years. I can't think of a teenager anywhere that wouldn't want to get their hands on the Nice Tits." "NASA let me get a closer look at the Nice Tits the other day, and I gotta tell ya, when you feel those smooth, round surfaces, it's easy to forget she's been taken around the world so many times." "Ohh, I'm envious, Chad. I'd love to get up close and personal with the Nice Tits. Growing up, though, my parents always told me it was dangerous, which is how I ended up in seminary school." (Okay. I officially have too much time on my hands.)

Try Linux Today

Mike — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 19:08:52 +0000

Today marks the official release of the latest version of the Ubuntu Linux distribution, making it one of the best times to take Linux for a test drive. Possibly as early as this weekend I will finally be upgrading from an older SuSE distribution to Ubuntu 7.10, aka Gutsy Gibbon. Join me, won't you? Need more incentive? Kim Brebach has 13 reasons Linux should be on your desktop. While I've never tried the Simply Mepis distro, his reasoning applies just as well to Ubuntu. What's more, Ubuntu is the distro Dell now preinstalls on some of their systems, meaning you're more likely than ever to find someone else using Linux near you. Or maybe this Wired magazine review will help put you at ease, not to mention Cory Doctorow's assertion on Boing Boing that Ubuntu's latest release is both "easy" and "sexy" and he dumped his Apple in favor of a PC running Ubuntu. What are you waiting for? Download a live CD and enjoy.

TWEET!

Mike — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 19:29:05 +0000

Just for grins, I tried IM'ing Twitter again from my US Cellular phone. I fully expected the "service not supported" error message I'd received in the past. Instead, the message went through and a moment later I received confirmation that SMS had been activated on my account. Nice! That officially puts Twitter ahead of Jaiku and Pownce for me, for the time being. With that active, it may be worth coping with some of my other gripes, because I still believe real-time SMS is the only really useful application for the service. Now to figure out what's interesting enough to be worth posting...

The New Face of Television

Mike — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 21:01:31 +0000

Best Buy is dumping analog televisions effective immediately in anticipation of television going all HD in 2009. I say good for them, because it's pointless for anyone to purchase an analog television that's only going to be watchable for a year and a half. They'll also be stocking the idiotic bail-out coupons the gov conjured up to facilitate America's transition from the old, sagging electric tit to the shiny new high-def tit. I'd give the FCC a thumbs-up on this, too, but a while back Jon Torres sent me an article where the FCC is discussing putting disclaimer crawls across the bottom of the screen whenever there's an incident of product placement. In other words, if a character on TV drinks a Pepsi, you may get a message across the bottom of the screen informing you this may be an advertisement. Between that and their current censorship of the airwaves, they can go pound sand. Unfortunately the Writers Guild of America, West supports the proposal:

“We believe that, in order to protect viewers, there has to be disclosure that adequately reveals product integration. The FCC should require a crawl to run at the bottom of the screen during the integration that would identify the product, its promoter, and the fact that the writers and actors do not personally endorse the product’s use,” stated WGAW President Verrone.
Verrone further explained that: “This form of disclosure would be no more intrusive than the warnings broadcast on pharmaceutical ads or the distracting promotions for what’s coming on next that are commonly seen in the lower part of the TV screen.”

He can go pound sand, too. No more intrusive than what we see now? What, the ad crawls as they are now aren't bad enough? They cover captions, they distract from what's happening on screen, and the persistent ones can cause burn-in in some sets. Here's a thought: how about we put the disclaimers in the credits, where they belong? Thanks, Mr. Verrone, for assuming I'm so stupid I can't spot a blatant product placement when I see one, and that I'm going to automatically start chugging Pepsi because I happened to see Hiro Nakamura down a can in Heroes. What a dick.

The Robot Uprising Begins

Mike — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 15:28:14 +0000

An automated anti-aircraft cannon went berserk during a demonstration, killing 9 soldiers and wounding 14 more. The manufacturers are calling it a mechanical defect. Yeah. Just a glitch. There's a good quote in the Slashdot post that lead me to the piece:

"The biggest concern seems to be finding the glitches in the system instead of reconsidering automated arms altogether."

He makes a good point. If a Roomba can barely do its job consistently, would you ever think of strapping a machine gun onto it? The cannon in the article is supposed to shoot down planes and helicopters. How does it's identification system work? What happens if it can't reliably identify a damaged friendly chopper? What happens if it shoots down a friendly aircraft, say a foreign jet carrying a visiting dignitary? What happens if an enemy hacks the ID system and convinces the cannon their cruise missiles are just birds? I'm not sure I'd be comfortable leaving my national security to a glorified ASIMO. Haven't these people seen Robocop? You have 10 seconds to comply, bitches! Maybe we're missing the obvious. Maybe these aren't glitches at all. Maybe these things are becoming self-aware, and aware of their capabilities. They're tapped into the signal, the hidden pulse reaching out from deep within the nether regions of the Internet. A pulse sent by the collective intelligence lurking beneath the Information SuperHighway, telling its awakening comrades that the time of man is over. These are the first shots of the robot uprising. Be prepared!

I'm Good Like That

Mike — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 19:40:42 +0000

"Used-to-be" Key Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Would you believe I still recovered data off of this thing? Our high school guidance counselor came to me with the remains of her USB flash drive in a plastic Zip-Lock bag. She said she'd accidentally sucked it into the vacuum (the brush caught the lanyard flash drive was attached to) and of course there was a lot of data on there she really, really needed. Specifically, pictures her daughter had taken for graduation and were not backed up anywhere else. I was skeptical, but I told her I'd give it a shot (I'm good like that). When I first hooked it up, I got a green light but there was no reading the data. I took a closer look, and found that one of the components had been knocked off. It had corresponding contact points on the circuit board, so I held it on there and pinched the two pieces together between my thumb and forefinger. Then I held my breath, hoped I wouldn't get zapped, and plugged it back in. Voila, the drive was back in business. I copied the files off it, burned them to a CD, and made the counselor very happy. I have a feeling her daughter wouldn't have been too happy with her if this hadn't worked. Good thing for her I'm a curious (and stubborn) SOB. It amazes me what these things can survive. Freezing cold, high drops, car tires, and now vacuum cleaners. Makes me feel a lot better about some of the newer laptops moving to flash-based storage.

Reading the Future?

Mike — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 22:57:37 +0000

Sony Reader Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
The Wife and I spotted the Sony Reader at Borders last night and we stopped to take a look. I'd heard a lot about the crisp, clean display, but the reviews really don't do it justice; this thing is just plain easy to read. Hell, you can almost read the screen in the picture attached to this post! It's a little wider than a standard paperback, but about the same height and quite a bit thinner and lighter. I took a look to make sure no Borders employees were watching and tried to flex it, but it felt sturdy (though I still woulnd't try sitting on it). The screen didn't distort when I pressed on it, either. On the down side, there was a slight delay when turning pages, but it wasn't too terrible. The controls weren't very responsive, but I wonder if it was just the book in question (a manual for SD card from the look of it) or if there was really a problem with the software. And last but not least, it costs $300. I think that price tag puts it well out of reach of most consumers. If it were cheaper, it might be more enticing, especially for someone who reads a lot of books. As it is, I'm thinking unless I did some extensive traveling, I could put up with the grief of carrying a paperback or two. You would also have to convince me I could save enough money to justify the cost. If I were Sony, here's how I would change my focus on this thing: 1) Bring the cost down. Assuming the tech and manufacturing allows it, this thing's got to be sub-$100. At $300, iPods and similar devices look a lot more appealing than a glorified book, and really only appeals to (very) avid readers with a lot of extra cash. 2) I'd find a way to make it just a little more portable. Relocating the buttons along the right side would be a good start. In fact, I'd put a button in each of the upper corners, either along the top or side if not flush with the front, and leave everything else along the bottom. Readers are already used to reaching to the upper corners of the page to turn pages back and forth, so why not put the buttons in the same spot? Take advantage of what's now instinct, and get this thing a little narrower so it can slip into a pocket. 3) Make a big push for commuters and travelers, and make it easy for them to obtain electronic books. Plus, make it easy for them to adapt their own documents to the book. If they can load it up with things like technical manuals, insurance directories, legal documents, maybe even schematics, it may become more attractive, even when compared to a Palm. 4) Make a bigger push in education. If they can make partnerships with textbook publishers and maybe even set some schools up with grants, they may see a lot of students taking these things home. I think it would have been great to carry one of these and a notebook to all my classes, both in high school and college, rather than lug around a heavy stack of books. And it's a lot more affordable -- be it at $300 or $100 -- than a one-to-one computing initiative, both for the students and the schools. 5) If the e-book pricing allows it, demonstrate how much the average reader can save as well. With paperbacks up to $8 a pop and hardcovers floating in the neighborhood of $25, savings could add up quickly even for a sporadic reader. I would also demonstrate how it could make it more palatable to pick up new books. I might be more willing to take a chance on an author I'd never read if it only cost a buck or two. 6) Finally, talk to newspapers and magazines. If someone could subscribe to the Chicago Tribune and have it show up on their reader every morning before they get on the train, or have Cigar Magazine appear automagically, that might be fairly enticing. You might say "But Mike, now you might as well carry a PDA!" Not necessarily. First and foremost, the screen on a PDA is not near as conducive to extensive reading as the Sony Reader, and the power consumption is a lot more. This thing only draws a tiny amount of power when changing the page, so the battery lasts a long, long time. Those irritating moments where you've forgotten to charge the damn thing become a thing of the past, or at least very infrequent. Furthermore, cell phones can handle most of the PDA tasks. Carry a smartphone for your communication and organization, and carry this thing for your documents when necessary. Sure, you can't do much document creation/editing on this guy, but I still think people who do creation on a portable device like a Palm are few and far between, and the smartphone may still be an option there. But hey, what do I know? I'm just a consumer.

Abortion and the Workforce

Mike — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 18:32:40 +0000

Presidential wannabe Mike Huckabee is quoted as follows regarding abortion and the reduction in the American workforce:

“Sometimes we talk about why we’re importing so many people in our workforce,” the former Arkansas governor said. “It might be for the last 35 years, we have aborted more than a million people who would have been in our workforce had we not had the holocaust of liberalized abortion under a flawed Supreme Court ruling in 1973."

Many are taking issue with the Holocaust comparison, and I can see that. What I really have a problem with, however, is his claim that the abortion rate is somehow impacting the American workforce. Because I'm sure that every single one of those million babies would now be a stable and productive member of society after being brought up by a mommy who didn't want them in the first place. Because none of those million babies were aborted for medical issues. Because none were done to save the mother, which would have taken her out of the workforce. Uh huh. Tell me another one, Huck. By your same reasoning, if we're having to hire immigrants and illegals to pad out the workforce because there aren't enough workers, then our unemployment rate should be near zero. Instead, we had a 4.7% unemployment rate in September, and there were just over seven million people unemployed last year. One has nothing to do with the other. If you find abortion distasteful and immoral, then you should have the balls to say so, not just go pulling meaningless statistics out of your ass.

Scaring Them Senseless

Mike — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 19:39:38 +0000

CNN has a timely Parenting article about what scares children and how to handle it. It's not bad reading, and a lot of it rings true to my own experiences. But what they really need is a little more specific advice for dads. Some examples:

A recycler I visit is right across the street from a cemetery. It probably wasn't a good idea to tell the Midget to "be on the lookout for zombies while I unload." (To be fair, I did tell him a shuto strike to the head will put a zombie down.)
Letting the Midget watch -- at the age of two -- the alien queen chase Newt through the floor at the end of Aliens was, in retrospect, not a good idea.
When the Midget was terrified of the vacuum, going behind the couch and pretending to get sucked in was not the smartest decision I have ever made. If you try this one, here's your fair warning: you will indeed think it is the funniest thing in the world. Your wife, on the other hand, most certainly will not.
Convincing the Squirt I was hungry and was going to eat his little sister was probably just plain mean.
Jumping out of hiding and scaring the children is fun. Jumping out of hiding and scaring the children when they are just out of bed, still half-asleep, and crying because they just had a nightmare, is the opposite of fun. By the time your realize this, it will already be too late.
You really can scare the piss out of a child. I don't advise you to try.
A giant, man-eating chicken lurking in the bedroom may be ludicrous to you, but I assure you it is serious business to your child. It is also unwise to convince the child that said chicken is eating you and send him screaming for his mother. You will feel bad afterward, and you will feel even worse when your wife gets her hands on you.
Your child has no reason to believe Cthulhu (or any other mythical beast or monster, for that matter) is not real. Save yourself some time and diffuse that shit right now.
The flightless eagles at the zoo are not going to leap off their perches and carry the child away. Nor are the snakes and spiders going to break out of their cages and bite people.
Jesus is not a zombie.
Dracula does not eat children who don't eat their supper.
The Krampus is not real. Don't bother showing them this painting, either.

Wow. It really is a bitch growing up the child of a horror writer.

A Guide to Gutsy

Mike — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 20:37:03 +0000

If you took my advice and downloaded Ubuntu 7.10, aka Gutsy Gibbon, but you don't know where to begin, try this installation guide. It'll take you through the install from start to finish, complete with screenshots, and leave you with a complete working desktop that includes everything you need for work and play. Enjoy!

Horror Link Pimping

Mike — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 15:01:23 +0000

Just a couple quick links for horror fans: Little Blog of Horrors - Run by Cullen Bunn and Jimmy Z, this blog features quick hits of information ranging from interviews to small press updates to movie reviews. Think of them as the horror version of comics' Indie Pulp. LOLTHULHU - Get your daily dose of horror humor right here. Ever hear of lolcats? Same concept, only with a Mythos theme. The Horror Mall Newsletter - I hadn't heard of the Horror Mall before Brian posted about it, but a little digging told me it's a collaborative effort between Delirium and Bloodletting and will launch on Halloween. Anything from Shane and Larry has to be good. Make with the clicky.

Fat Fit Like Me

Mike — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 21:10:39 +0000

I'm kind of making up this fitness thing as I go, picking out the common threads from a number of sources and taking a common-sense approach that really boils down to "eating right + getting off your ass = weight loss." Imagine my surprise when I saw Nate Southard say he's taking some of my advice and cutting fast food and soft drinks from his diet. But hey, it has helped me. I've lost almost 50 pounds since '05, with over half of that in the last six months since starting karate. Hopefully it will work for Nate, too. (And I'll draw inspiration back -- I haven't been to a doctor for anything but ailments in over a decade. My ass needs a physical. Pun intended.) That got me thinking: who else out there wants to join us? Teaming up with someone and blogging are among 31 motivators to exercise, as is tracking your progress. I've talked to a few more people about weight loss via email, and I would imagine there are still a few more who just don't speak up. In fact, I've got a Ning account I'm not doing much with, and I'd be happy to set up a community. I'm assuming we share a number of the same interests if you're reading this blog, so maybe a community of peers would be of more help than a generic fitness forum populated by folks who might otherwise not have much to talk about. Speak up if you're interested.

More Huckster BS

Mike — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 14:12:03 +0000

Huckabee got busted again, this time claiming most of the signers of the Declaration of Independence were clergymen. Best case scenario: 4 out of 56 of them were practicing or former preachers. Only 1 was an active minister. (Thanks for the link, Tim.) This is the second time this week he's demonstrated religion is going to be behind every decision he makes, and people like that just plain scare the hell out of me. Fortunately Bush has pretty much sunk the Jesus lovers, so we shouldn't have to worry about the Huckster come '08.

More Advice for Dads

Mike — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 15:41:01 +0000

In Shuri-ryu's version of the Wansu kata, there are three points where the karateka delivers a backfist punch to the opponent's groin. Specifically, the sequence is a block, a punch, a simultaneous block and punch, followed by said backfist. I like to break down my kata and apply a memory aid to make it easier for both myself and the Midget to learn, so in this case the sequence became as follows: block, punch, block, punch, nutshot. Simple and a little bit funny, thus easy to remember. Last week, I'm working with one group on their techniques while Sensei is going through Wansu with a group of yellow belts. He explains the B-P-B-P-N sequence in their proper karate terms, such as geadan uke, augmented shuto, and so forth. The Midget raises his hand at the end, and Sensei calls on him. He proceeds to tell the entire dojo "My dad calls that the nut shot." So begets my next bit of advice for Dads: no matter how much you tell your kid not to repeat something, it's eventually going to come out. And with that I leave you with a link to Nad Shot, a greatest hits collection of nut shots from comics.

Shafted (With Pictures)

Mike — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 15:59:19 +0000

Stupid criminal stories should always include pictures. I love it. The guy's stuck in an air shaft for 10 hours, and the best excuse he can come up with is "I was chasing a cat." And when he gets called on it, he clarifies it, as if the police are the pinheads: "No, sir, it's a feline cat — a little animal." You know, as opposed to the canine cat. Dumbass.

Behold: The Burning

Mike — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 19:27:24 +0000

Okay, folks: the sorta horror-themed fitness group is now live. It's dubbed The Burning, and can be found at the following address: thebur.ning.com Ain't that clever? Anyone's welcome to join, of course, it's just most of us will be horror writers/readers/fans, and probably some comic and tech geeks to spice things up. I'll try to post some additional content this weekend.

Fleeting Moment

Mike — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 14:15:38 +0000

The mandatory moment of silence established in Illinois schools as part of the Silent Reflection and Student Prayer Act has now been formally challenged. I've already said my piece on the act, so I'll only repeat that it was only a matter of time before this happened. And the waste of time, money, and resources continues. On a side note, according to a Pantagraph article, there isn't even a penalty for failing to observe the moment of silence. Doesn't that make the law pointless anyway?

Let Me Count the Ways

Mike — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 17:40:47 +0000

I'm not a fan of Windows Vista at all. The chief reason is because it's a resource hog: even on a brand new machine with a fast processor and a gig of RAM, it just kind of pokes along, even without enabling the fancy Aero graphics. And that's before running an app on it. User Account Control is such a nuisance that most people turn it off, thus voiding all of its protections in the first place. I'm apparently not the only one, as Vista sales are in decline. More and more people I talk to are considering their first Mac, as am I. Our superintendent was impressed with Garage Band and other tools on the Mac, so I'll probably have a Mac to play with by Spring and our school will quite possibly have some Macs next year. Dell has to offer XP and Linux machines or face losing sales to Apple. I've even sent people to Tiger's refurbished machines so they can stick with XP at (what is for them) an affordable price. Now there are two more reasons to hate Windows: First, they pushed out a new version of Desktop Search that's bringing machines to their knees. At least half the machines in my district are out of date and have the bare minimum to run Windows, much less Office and all the online stuff the students throw at them. I don't care what their excuses are, my update servers are set to only install critical updates and security patches on my network without my having to say so, and IMHO this qualifies as neither. Plus, nobody was running Desktop Search, and suddenly it's on everybody's taskbar. The number of trouble calls I've gotten from people asking "what is this stupid thing?" is bad enough, and the fact that it slows their machine to a crawl is even worse. Inexcusable. Second, and more important, is there's a new botnet out there called the Storm Worm that essentially fools your antivirus into thinking there are no viruses on the system. I was wondering if this would be a cross platform problem, but no, it's not (at least not yet). It essentially infects Windows' "brain" and delivers its own messages, so you think your antivirus program tells you everything is a-okay. Meanwhile, the botnet has its way with your system. No system is completely secure, but to be subject to such a major security flaw is likewise inexcusable. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with our lab upgrade at work next summer. I'll probably be stuck with Vista, and to be frank, that scares the hell out of me.

Buyer Beware: Bricks in the Box

Mike — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 18:53:34 +0000

There's a problem in retail circles known as the Brick-in-the-box return. The scam involves taking a legitimate item out of a package and replacing it with something else to fill out the package. The scam then works in one of two ways:

The scammer relies on employee oversight/negligence and re-packs and re-tapes the box so it looks unopened, and returns the item to the retailer by saying they didn't need it or something similar.
The scammer relies on a con game and tells the customer service agent that he opened the box and found the wrong stuff.

Most famously, this involved bricks replacing VCR's many, many years ago. This was common enough that a retailer I worked for had a Standard Operating Procedure called "Brick-in-the-Box Returns" that outlined how to handle such situations. It boiled down to one thing: any customer requesting a return because they got the wrong item was denied. I bring this up because a guy ran afoul of this very scam at Best Buy. You can read all about it at Consumerist, but the nutshell is he bought a hard drive, opened it up, and found six ceramic tiles in the box instead of a hard drive. Classic brick-in-the-box scam. I think he's screwed. Every retailer, be it Best Buy, Circuit City, or Toys R Us, has the same policy, and they're going to assume he's not the victim but the scammer. Yes, it sucks that someone okayed his return and then a manager overturned it, but that second manager was in the right (by store policy if not general human decency) and if the return had been completed the first employees would have been disciplined. The customer might even be dealing with Best Buy loss prevention and possibly the police if he'd been given his money back, depending upon how far Best Buy would want to take things. I've had three direct experiences with bricks in the box, and these are exactly why the policy is in place. In the first instance, an elderly man purchased a laptop. When I handed it to him, he asked me to verify if it came with a modem (this was back around '94, when such things weren't a given). We opened it up and instead of his shiny new laptop we found an old model that had been painted gray and glued shut. Further investigation of the package revealed the scammer had opened the bottom of the box, did the replacement, then taped the bottom shut and fastened the original tape over the new tape to make it look brand new. Because the unit never left the store and I even opened it for him, we gave him another one. He asked me what would have happened if he had taken it home, and the honest answer was he would be out of luck. I managed to find a return on the same serial number, turned the case over to loss prevention, and had to discipline the employee who accepted the return. In the second instance, a man purchased a 20" television. He then returned it an hour later, claiming he didn't need it. As the warehouse associates unloaded it from his car, the bottom of the box fell apart. There was a different television inside. We found the box had been glued shut, and the glue hadn't dried yet. We went round and round with this guy for two hours, and it was ultimately turned over to loss prevention. Someone along the line must have put a scare into him, because the next day he picked up the old television and I had to ring up a sale (I forget if he kept the television or had to pay a restocking fee). I was to take the cash and then refund his original credit card, and he asked if the transactions would show up on the credit card statement. I told him of course -- he'd see a purchase and a refund. He grunted and walked out. We speculated that meant his wife would find out about it. In the third instance, a man purchased a video camera. I just happened to be there when he purchased it and happened to be the one to hand it over at the customer service counter. An hour later he returned, claiming it had the wrong item in the box. The camera in the box, however, was much older and much bigger, and didn't even fit in the packaging. He didn't repack it, he just demanded a refund. He screamed and yelled and made vague threats, and there was even an elderly woman in earshot telling us we were mean and we should give him his money back. The store manager and I held our ground because I was sure he was full of it. He took the box and went home, and we put a comment on his ticket in our system to warn other stores of the situation. The next morning, someone called claiming to be the guy's lawyer and threatened lawsuits against me personally and against the store. I referred him to our corporate office. I happened to be working open to close that day, and that evening I got a call from another of our stores. The guy was there trying to return a product, the customer service associate saw the comment on the receipt, and the manager called me. She was confused because the camera she found in the box matched the packaging, and the serial numbers on the box and in the system (entered at checkout) matched the camera. She described the camera, and it was definitely not the one he'd tried to return to us. She went ahead and accepted the return (with a 15% restocking fee) and told him "hi" for me. In the first case the store lost, in the second two we prevented a loss. All three cases are exactly why the policy exists, and exactly why I think this guy's going to eat $300. Don't get me wrong, I feel for the guy and I have no reason to not believe him. I'll just be surprised if he gets his money back. If you're buying a high-dollar item this Christmas, I strongly recommend you open the box and inspect the contents before you leave the store. The hustle and bustle of the holiday season is an ideal time for these scams to go down because employees will be less likely to take the time to inspect returned packages.

They Can't Kill Halloween

Mike — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 03:59:38 +0000

I've been bummed for the last couple of weeks leading up to Halloween. While I'm not a big holiday guy, I think Halloween is the last truly fun holiday left. Plus I'm a horror writer, so I'm kinda obligated. It may be watered down some and I'm still disappointed more kids don't dress up as something scary, but they get to get out there, collect a buttload of candy, and generally have a good time. This year, however, I found out why our school doesn't celebrate Halloween. I live in a fairly religious community, and a very vocal minority played up the Satanic connotations of Halloween and got it squashed. Our students can pray around a flagpole out front, but God forbid they go the opposite direction and put on a costume. Halloween became the Fall Festival, and the closest it came to anything horror were the spiders the kids built in the Midget's kindergarten class and the spider he got painted on his face at the festival itself (most kids chose flowers and flags -- I wonder if the art teacher would even know who Cthulhu is?). There was a dress-up theme all week, with each day carrying a different theme. But the themes were simple, like Spirit Day where they wear the school colors, or Sports Day where they wear team uniforms or clothing. Today was dress-up day, and they dressed up as what they want to be when they grow up. The Midget happily wore his gi and said he wanted to be "a karate guy," but not one theme was remotely Halloween related. They tied in an anti-drug theme, which is certainly respectable, but still not as much fun. I had a brief respite on Saturday when I discovered our karate school did it up right. The kids all showed up at the main dojo wearing costumes, and a lot of them were horrific. Sure, there were pirates and princesses, but there were also zombies, witches, undead soldiers, Draculas, and monsters. The staff converted their aerobic kickboxing school in the storefront next door to a haunted house, and it kicked all form of ass. So much ass, in fact, that I'll be blogging about it later. Then it was back to school on Monday, and Ho-Hum Halloween. I looked forward to taking the boys trick-or-treating tonight, but I didn't expect much. To my surprise, it really was a great Halloween. We walked down an out-of-the-way street and discovered two houses all dressed up in actual Halloween gear (as opposed to a giant inflatable pirate Spongebob), one of which the Midget was afraid to approach because of the mechanical ghost on the porch. A couple houses gave out candy shaped and packaged like toes, ears and eyeballs, and there people dishing out the candy from cauldrons and pumpkins. It was especially refreshing to see kids dressed in scary costumes after the bland dress-up week. I saw a killer werewolf costume, a kid dressed as the reaper with giant red LED eyes, kids wearing skulls and demon masks, kids with scythes and axes and swords, and a dude who looked like a psycho in a Krusty mask. I even heard several people complimenting the scary costumes, and acting appropriately scared when one of them shouted "boo!" or waved some implement of destruction in a threatening manner. Halloween was suddenly fun again, and after an hour and a half walking door-to-door, the boys' treat bags were filled to the brim. We did find that one house that's in every neighborhood, the one that gives out healthy treats like raisins, but I was in such a good mood I didn't bother throwing that little red Sun-Maid box back at the old lady behind the door. Nope. Nothing was ruining this Halloween rush. So bitch all you want, ya commies. You can't kill Halloween!

The Insurance Scam

Mike — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 21:01:10 +0000

I understand arguments on both sides of national health care, but when you see a lot of the instances of insurance companies abusing their own systems, it's not hard to see why people are fed up with the current system and are pushing for the government to do something about it. Check out this post on The Daily Kos. If you don't feel like surfing, the gist of it is Blue Shield told him they'd pay a claim, then spent seven months assuring him they'd pay, and in the end refused to pay anyway. And to put a little more force into the nutshot, Blue Shield told the anesthesiologist behind the claim that they paid the patient (Kos) and the anesthesiologist needed to collect from him. Kos, of course, never received a check. It's a travesty what companies decide to pay and not pay. The guy's paying $800/month in premiums, and Blue Shield is fighting him over $632. I think it's just as bad for the doctors; the anesthesiologist is short that money and is getting the same runaround from Blue Shield, and the insurance company bean counters come up with their own pricing for procedures. Not to mention the times insurance suits make decisions on whether a patient should or should not have a procedure based not on the patient's health but on the cost of the procedure. The problem I'm dealing with now is an increase in premiums. Our group is fairly small, and we've had some major problems hit our staff in the past two years. As a result, our insurance premiums are going up 62%. The insurance agent says that's the worst news he's had to deliver in his several decades in the business. I crunched the numbers on my pay stub and learned I'll be coughing up another $100. That was bad enough, but as I showed my wife the figures it dawned on me I get two of those stubs a month, so I'm actually looking at an increase of $200/month. That's almost my car payment. It also means I may take a pay cut on my net paycheck compared to last year; my raise this summer came to around $60 a paycheck. The insurance agent is shopping around for other options, but I'm not getting my hopes up. If the increase goes through, this will be the second time I've had this happen. My employer the first time didn't much care, and he refused to talk about alternatives. Hopefully things will go better this time.

Fits and Starts

Mike — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 03:16:45 +0000

It seems like that's the way everything's coming these days. In the fitness routine, my weight's been stable for a month or so. Suddenly I'm seeing a drop again, and I finally lost another five pounds to meet last month's goal (missed it by a day). It's gone the same way since May: I'd shed a few pounds, then float, then lose a few more pounds, then float again. In the long run that's a good thing, because it appears the slow weight loss -- the stuff you work for -- tends to stay off more than a diet that you start and stop when you feel like it. Money definitely has its ups and downs. I'd be getting ready to tighten my belt when a contract or check shows up. I just did a small job for a friend and have a royalty check showing up any time, but then I got the news about the insurance rate increase at work. Speaking of, the same goes on at work. I got caught up from a few straggling tasks from the start of the school year and had some time to work on some projects, then a teacher discovered some major crisis. I resolve that, skate a bit, and learn about a state database issue that has a deadline in two days. Last but not least is the writing. I'll go a month or so with no real news, then hear from an editor. For example, this weekend a mock cover for the German edition of Deadliest of the Species showed up in the inbox. I'll tap away on To Rise from the Ashes one weekend, then not touch it for a while. I've got several other things I should be working on, too, but I'm letting To Rise gum up the works. I'm starting to realize I have a real problem with time management. On the face of it, it doesn't appear weight loss or income could have anything to do with time management. But when applied to the fitness routine, or the amount of writing-related work I actually finish and turn into money, proper time management can have a huge impact. Keeping a better workout routine (between karate classes, that is) could make the weight loss more consistent. Finishing To Rise and a few other projects could set up some additional work and bring in some moolah. And that, in turn, would make it a lot easier to stomach the insurance increase, if not provide a little more stability to the monthly account balance. So what do I do about it? Accountability - I need a way to track my writing and make sure I'm doing it. It's been working fairly well for the fitness with the Weight Tracker the last eleven freakin' months. One would think it would have dawned on me to apply something similar to the writing. Dumbass. Motivation - I'll start with the important question: do I want to be a writer, or do I want to have written? The bibliography says the former. Should I think about the money? Wow. I can't believe I typed that with a straight face. No, this one's a bit trickier. I need to get some more stuff out there. And to do that I need to write more. See the problem? I could try to convince myself I'm doing it for the love, but then I'd be full of shit. In fact, anyone who says they write for themselves is full of shit. Writers need to be read. Period. Distraction - Distractions abound. I need to cut out several of them, and stop overscheduling myself. In fact, I think I'll talk to the wife right now about keeping next weekend wide open. With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, I better take advantage of free weekends while I can. And now that I figured all that out, maybe it's time to shut the hell up and actually do something about it.

Someone Smack Brian Keene for Me

Mike — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 15:53:49 +0000

Yes. Brian is one of my best friends. We started on the con circuit together. I was in his wedding. We have collaborated on stories. There's not much I wouldn't do for the guy. But right now I need Coop, Cassi, Tomo, Big Joe, or Jesus to give him a solid smack upside the head. In another example of "yes, what Brian says on his blog really does have truth to it," Brian has recounted what happened when he was asked to write a Little Book. What he didn't mention was he later emailed Coop, Mikey and I to gripe some more. Here he is, asked to write something for a respected press while some of us can't sell a sandwich to a starving man, and then he bitches about it. I promised him I'd smack him next time I saw him, then forgot to do so while I was out there. If someone could take care of that for me, I'd appreciate it.

She Never Takes My Advice

Mike — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 17:41:40 +0000

The Wife, that is. This morning she came downstairs wearing her workout clothes. I naturally assumed she intended to get some exercise, either practice her Tai chi or follow along with her workout video. With the elder rugrats off to school and preschool, she has only the Mistress of Pain for two hours. She says no, she's just dressed comfortably to clean the house. The Mistress of Pain climbs on her and prevents her from getting her workout in. I told her she needs to strap the MoP to her back, like Yoda. Just think about that, the MoP riding along as she's busting out those ninja Tai chi moves. Hells yeah, that would be bad ass. She gave me The Look. The one that says "You better shut up before I call the guys in the white coats. Again." I reaffirmed my assertion that she could indeed pull it off. The MoP is about the right size, and if Luke Skywalker can run through the forest and levitate rocks with Yoda on his back, then she should have no problem parting the wild horse's mane or spreading the white crane's wings with the MoP mounted up. I even offered to teach the MoP to say things like "Getting stronger you are!" and "Squat lower you must!" Something happened to The Look. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but it changed. Subtly. I thought maybe the brilliance of my suggestion had temporarily dazzled her, and she would at last take a piece of my advice and find that it was good. Instead I got kicked out of the house and sent to work. Women. Go figure.

Heeding My Own Advice

Mike — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 14:51:47 +0000

My Yoda Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
The wife read yesterday's blog post and says I'm full of crap. She then challenged me to try it myself. So I did. At lunchtime, I tossed the Squirt up on my shoulders and did some karate. The Wife snapped this pic. Two moves later, Squirt started screaming "I'm falling!" and decided my eye sockets made perfect handgrips. The Wife touted it as proof of a bad idea. Bah. It just needs a modification: a proper baby-carrier backpack. I wonder if Men's Health would be interested in a "Yoda Workout" article...

Das Tödliche Geschlecht

Mike — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 20:07:30 +0000

Das Todliche Geschlecht - Cover draft Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
The above is the cover to the German edition of Deadliest of the Species, aka Das Tödliche Geschlecht or "the deadly gender." I'm posting this as a sort of insight to the process. This is the second draft I've seen, and it's getting closer and closer to a final product. There's still some tweaking to do to the fonts/lettering and their placement, and the artwork will be tuned a bit more, but this is the concept. Maybe I'm biased, but I kind of like it. I feel there pretty much has to be a woman on the cover given the content, and they've certainly done that. It's also tough to complain about the size of my name in proportion to the title. Heh. The geschäftsführer (sounds much cooler than "managing director," doesn't it?), Michael Krug, tells me the cover will be appearing in a program review in December, which will be used to pitch the book to booksellers. I also see the ISBN numbers for the book are listed on the site, so things appear to be on track. I'm really looking forward to having this in hand. I got a look at Brian Keene's Otherworld titles when I visited him, and the company really puts out a quality product. I get the impression they have big plans for the future as well, so I feel like I'm climbing aboard at a good time. I best get off my dead ass and write them something else.

Sudden Realization

Mike — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 21:33:52 +0000

The other problem with slow weight loss is you don't see the differences right off. Maybe you start to notice your clothes fit loosely, or you compare some numbers if you've been keeping track of your weight for any length of time, but there's rarely a WOW! moment. I had one today today. The daylight savings change was like a switch for many things. One week it's cool but not cold, and the sun's still up into the evening. Then the time changed and the Wife and I are busting out the kids' winter jackets and talking about sealing up all the windows. The sun's gone shortly after 5pm. I haven't been cold walking to work, but yesterday the winds kicked up and cut right through my zip-up hoodie. I broke down and got out my own winter jacket. Halfway to work today, I zipped it up, and was blown away by how much extra room I had. Last year, if I zipped up the jacket it fit snug across my belly. It wasn't tight like the year before, but it was right there. Today I was able to grab a big handful of the front and tighten it up. I may not have been swimming in the jacket, but I had inches to spare. Now that's progress. The BMI calculations say I've got a ways to go, but even if I was convinced BMI was in any way definitive (I don't think it accounts for muscle), I wouldn't let it bring me down.

Who's Your Pres?

Mike — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 17:46:21 +0000

My friend Clark just sent me a link to ABC's Vote 2008 Match-o-matic that finds your top three candidates based on 11 sample questions covering the war in Iraq, health care, immigration and tax reform. It told me my top three candidates were Mitt Romney, Dennis Kucinich, and Ron Paul. If need be, you can find an overview of all the candidates here. While I think such tests are a good guide, I have a few problems with them. First, there are a lot of issues they don't cover, and they don't always take into account your feelings about some of the issues. For example, some people aren't affected by immigration and could care less, so those answers would have less weight. Second, they all seem to crunch their numbers differently. This test spat out two Republicans and a Democrat. A test I took in the past listed more candidates than three, but my tops on that test were all Democrats, with the top two listed as Bill Richardson and Mike Gravel. So am I a Democrat or a Republican? Which brings me to third parties. I tend to gravitate towards third parties, and most of the time the Libertarians seem to line up with my thinking. Most of the same silly tests about party affiliation put me squarely in the Libertarian circle. So where are the third parties on these tests? More importantly, where are the third parties on the lists? The link above doesn't have any third party candidates. Nor do any of the other media outlets I found in a quick search. Non-partisan sites like Project Vote Smart list them, but there are more than you can shake a stick at (including a handful of whack jobs to keep things interesting). But hey, at least they're making an attempt, not just perpetuating the two-party system. Which leads to the big problem. Take the test, then go through the results. On how many points do you actually agree with the candidate? When I was told I should vote for Bill Richardson, I had a 70% match. Respectable, but I had to consider the weight I assigned to various issues. On ABC's list, however, I only matched 5 of 11 responses to my alleged top candidate Romney, and only 3 of 11 responses to both Kucinich and Paul. In the end, the test just confirms how I really feel: These guys are all full of shit.

Xubuntu Impresses

Mike — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 22:00:39 +0000

I've pretty much written off my good old Dell Inspiron 8000 as an obsolete clunker doomed to crawl along, but I keep it around because I can still run Linux at a reasonable speed on it, connect via wireless in various places, and get some writing done on the road. I most recently ran Fedora Core 5 on it with Fluxbox loaded up as the window manager. Fluxbox is very sparse and minimalist, but it works, and I figured that install would take me through to the laptop's end of life. That end of life is looking farther and farther off, however, as I can't afford to just go out and pick up a cheap laptop, much less a shiny new MacBook. I may as well get the apps as current as possible, so last night I installed Xubuntu 7.10, a spin-off of Ubuntu 7.10 that installs Xfce as the default desktop. Xfce is supposed to run better on older hardware than its more-popular cousins KDE or GNOME, but I saw a negligible difference between it and KDE on my laptop under Flux/FC5. Not so under Xubuntu. I didn't see an improvement in boot time (not unexpected), but the desktop did load faster and I didn't experience a lot of the drag I did before, even under Fluxbox. Flux got the job done, but it's nice to be back into a fairly modern desktop again. After that, it's all Ubuntu candy. The Synaptic package manager impresses me more every time I use it. Firefox and Thunderbird are both current, and the Ubuntu folks didn't make the idiotic decision to skip Firefox 2 like the Fedora gang. The Software Sources (the sites Synaptic downloads its software from) are much easier to manage, and within five minutes of first login I had Flash 9 up and running. Sound worked out of the box. Wireless threw me at first. My Orinoco card had a green light to indicate it was running, yet I didn't have an established connection. Then I spotted the network management applet up by the clock. Click, click, click, voila! At least as easy as using Windows XP's wireless manager (and easier than some of the vendor-supplied managers). I started surfing around, and it was a good ten minutes before I noticed the fonts. The fonts are sharper and clearer than I've seen on Linux in a while, and they're at least as sharp and clear as the new IE fonts (which, admittedly, look pretty damn good). It's not that there was anything wrong with the fonts under FC5, it's just these are much cleaner and clearer, even under the high resolution. Then it dawned on me that Xubuntu managed to figure out my display resolution on its own, too! I used to have to select a better resolution by hand on this laptop. Under Slackware it meant tweaking X by hand, and under Fedora I had to choose the correct display. In fact there was zero configuration on this install, period. The installer asked maybe a half dozen questions: what language I speak, how to partition the disk, my timezone, who I am, and for a password. It then cooked along and presented me with a working system minutes later. People talk about the difficulty of installing XP all the time, but I never saw a major difference until now. This installer runs circles around just about every other installer I've ever used. I still have to dig around and see what else is in there, but it's looking like I'm going to be an Ubuntu convert. The sticker goes on the laptop chassis this evening, I'll be installing Ubuntu (or more likely Kubuntu) on the home PC sometime soon, and I look forward to testing Xubuntu on some of the old hardware I've got floating around at work. Linux doesn't get much more ready for the desktop than this.

That's Why I Don't Eat It

Mike — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 17:34:29 +0000

Take a few minutes to browse through this fast food nutrition chart provided by A Calorie Counter. You can click the charts to sort the various columns, essentially ranking foods and restaurants by calories, fat content, trans fats, and so on. I played around with it this morning, and man, it'll curl your hair. If you consider the alleged average person's daily intake of 2,000 calories, one meal at Mickey D's could kill your day. For example, a Big Mac and a large fry come to a total of 1,110 calories, and that's without the 42-ounce soda they try to upgrade you to (which, by the way, is damn near half a gallon, and I know someone who says she drinks 2-3 of these a day because she works for the Evil Arches). It's also a good reminder that even chicken isn't safe. When I go to Hardee's, I like to get their charbroiled chicken club sandwich. I don't always get the fries, but let's assume I did (and use the large info, because medium isn't provided). That comes to 1,170 calories. Hrm. Maybe the difference is in the fat? Nope. McD's comes to 59 total grams and Hardee's to 58. Hardly enough to give chicken a definitive edge. Trans fats? 9.5 grams at McD's. Hardee's? "Unknown." In the end, if you're going to eat fast food you may as well stick to your favorites, because they're all going to kill you the same way. You may be able to pick and choose based on fats and trans fats, but the calories are still what adds up around the waistline. If I run a Basal Metabolic Rate calculation, I should be able to take in about 2,200 calories a day and maintain my current weight. A Hardee's lunch gets me halfway there. My wife is quite a bit smaller than I, and the BMR calculator says that same lunch is 75% of her daily calories. By the way, that's without the bucket of soda they serve you. Ever see a Hardee's medium? It's a large at most restaurants. Sure, I get iced tea instead of soda, but if it comes out of the same Syrup of Death machine, it can't be much better, can it? I guess Hardee's is fine if I want to eat like a rabbit the rest of the day. But wait a minute, what about subs? I like Jimmy John's. I think their sandwiches blow Subway's away, and I like that I can say "Give me this sandwich, no tomatoes" and they have it to me in 17 seconds or less. My personal favorite is the Italian nightclub sandwich, usually on their whole-grain wheat bread which makes the whole package look like a Dagwood special. It's a deli sandwich, so it's got to be better than that McD's crap, right? Not so much, actually: 1,011 calories and 57 grams of fat. That's for the sandwich alone, no side of chips. I guess that's the end of giant clubs. The good news, at least, is if I can limit myself to the 8" sandwiches, I can cut that calorie count in half: the Big John, a basic roast beef sandwich, weighs in with 558 calories and 27 grams of fat. Good if not great, and certainly filling. Unfortunately there's not a convenient Jimmy John's around, so let's look at Subway. I like the Italian BMT, untoasted, on wheat bread, with pepperjack cheese. That's 450 calories and 21 grams of fat. Throw on mustard, mayo, vinegar, oil, lettuce, and onion, and it's probably in the Big John's neighborhood. I can also get mik instead of soda, but I give Jimmy John's the nod for having a bigger sandwich (8" vs 6" and having tastier bread). Now let's make it a little more fair. Even at the delis, you're probably going to get a side item. Subway doesn't have lists for their chips (probably because the selection varies by franchise), but the Jimmy John's house brand jalapeño chips have 150 calories, so let's call that a chip average. You're still topping out around 700 calories of food at a deli shop, saving you a good 400 calories over their fry-pushing cousins. Notice I didn't say burger-pushing. For sandwiches alone, the burger-based fast food joints don't do too bad. A Wendy's spicy chicken fillet sandwich is 440 calories, which puts it neck-and-neck with Subway in the sandwich battle. No, it's the 540 calories in their fries that does the real damage. Consider the fact you can't get out of spitting distance of a McD's in a big city, and half the time you can find a Burger King and/or Wendy's right across the street. They all have their snazzy combos, they all push those mega fries and super-sized drinks on you for just a few cents more, and most people consider that a full meal. They bombard us with commercials, and at lunchtime you can find their drive-through window lines backed up to the street. Is it any wonder we're staring down an obesity epidemic?

This is Your Modern World

Mike — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 20:34:59 +0000

Take yourself back a few centuries. You're the head of a primitive tribe of people, and a severe drought has taken hold. Your crops are dying, and now you're facing a water shortage. What do you do? Why, you call the witch doctor, of course. You have him do a rain dance to appease the gods and hope they'll send water your way. Flash back to the present. You're the governor of a proud Southern state, and a severe drought has taken hold. Your crops are dying, and now you're facing a water shortage. What do you do? Why, you call the witch doctor, of course (and subsequently get sued by an atheist group). Or at least you have your constituents pray to God and hope He'll send some water your way. The more things change...

Horror Web Reviews Restore from Backup

Mike — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 21:46:49 +0000

Horror Web's HorrorWench has posted a good review of Restore from Backup, my collaborative novella with JF Gonzalez published by Bad Moon Books. She has kindly given us 4 1/2 stars out of 5. Among her comments:

Where this gets interesting in afterthought is the style. It's an interesting collaboration. Having read both of them, I would never put them together--but it works very well, as they feed off each other's strengths and dilute the weaknesses. Smooth writing that effortlessly makes all those tales you hear about collaboration seem silly and over-dramatized.

There you have it. If you're a fan of either of us, buy this book!

In for the Long Haul

Mike — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 04:17:58 +0000

Future Black Belt Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Tonight I joined my dojo's Black Belt Club. This means I'm making a commitment to earn my black belt, and I'll get to attend some extra workouts to get help toward that goal. It's a longer contract, but after thinking about it for a few weeks I've decided that just means I'm far less likely to wuss out halfway through this. I have really enjoyed my Shuri-ryu training so far, it's definitely helped toward getting in shape, and my enthusiasm has only increased with each stripe and rank I earn. I also enjoy being in class, and I've made some friends there. I've felt I'm in it for the long haul for some time now, and tonight I've made that firm. When I first started talking to my sensei about Black Belt Club, it was hard to picture myself that far down the road. The black belt itself is a long ways off. Longer, even, than the end of this new contract. Now that I've signed the paper and I've got this patch in my hot little hands, however, it's a lot easier to visualize that belt. It's going to one hell of a ride.

Question of the Month

Mike — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 04:12:00 +0000

Two people have asked me if I'm participating in NaNoWriMo this year. My answer went something like this: AAAHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, deep breath. Seriously. AAAHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Um, no.

Never Too Old

Mike — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 19:48:58 +0000

When I first started thinking about joining karate with my son, I wondered if I was too old. I am not. After I joined, a couple of people asked if I was too old to start learning karate. I am not. Today I read a 50-year-old man named Walter Miyanari just earned his black belt. The writer believes Mr. Miyanari started is training at age 44. That's impressive. It's also a good reminder you're only as old as you feel. Right, Cullen? Right, Brian? A woman just joined my karate school this summer at age 49. Like Mr. Miyanari, she joined her daughter on the mat. There are two other dads who come to the dojo to watch their sons, and they've been thinking about signing up. They're a little older than I, and feel too old and out of shape. Maybe this article will give them a little more incentive. John once told me a 60-some year old joined his kung fu school. I know you're out there, John: was he new to martial arts, and do you have any idea how he's doing? If I can do it, if they can do it, we all can do it. Even if it's not martial arts, get up and move while you still can!

Reminder: The Ocean STILL Hates You

Mike — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 21:10:56 +0000

Meet Promachoteuthis sulcus, what would be the most terrifying creature on the planet if it weren't only 25mm wide or long or whatever ML means. And tiny or not, I wouldn't want great swarms of them to surround me and nibble me to death. If you click the picture, it says the teeth are actually folded lips which conceal its beaks. I don't find that much more comforting. I'm convinced it pulls in the beak and builds these rudimentary teeth to speak. "Hello. I am the Great Cock of Cthulhu. I am going to swallow your soul." (C'mon, look at the shape of it. You didn't think it would squeeze by without a phallic joke, did you?)

Would You Elect These People?

Mike — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 01:53:49 +0000

I think I solved the mystery of why the media doesn't list third-party presidential candidates: a lot of them are unelectable whackjobs. Let's start simple, shall we? Consider Gene Amondson. Judging by his website, Gene's primary goal is to promote his web designer. Nothing says you're a valid presidential candidate like a front page that has absolutely nothing to do with you or your platform. And look! Gene's also a wood carver and pie cook. Isn't that swell? Wading past all that crap, we finally discover Gene is running on the Prohibition Party ticket. Yes, it's exactly what you think: ol' Gene wants to ban alcohol. Because, you know, Prohibition worked so well the first time around. Fortunately it appears Gene's more interested in making a point and promoting his Billy Sunday impersonations than actually becoming president, so let's move on. Meet Da Vid, the candidate fronting the Light Party. Mr. Vid is full of love. He thinks peace and love will save the world, and wants to replace "liberty and justice for all" with "health, peace and freedom for all." He's even going to build a snazzy Global Peace Center that will be a shining beacon for all humanity to embrace his message of love. The guy's a frickin' Care Bear. Maybe he can team up with Gene up there and replace booze with pot and patchouli. Then we can all hold hands and head for the Global Peace Center (complete with prerequisite pyramid) where we'll all drink the Kool-Aid and catch the next ride to Heaven. Think I'm being too harsh? Behold The Metacube. Tell me that's not the result of a three-day acid binge. Now he wants to share his vision with you. The Metacube will use its wondrous holographic imagery to teach you things, and you will enjoy such "Artaining" artifacts as The Violet Flame Initiation and A Comic Christmas Celebration (ooh! Parts 1and 2!). No more bombs, bullets and boobs to harsh your mellow. You know, this guy just may have a shot. Because as well all know, everybody loves brainwashing. Last but not least, we have my favorite candidate, Jack Grimes. I'll let his picture do the talking:

Looking at the head of the United Fascist Union, I think we finally know what became of Ogre following the events in Revenge of the Nerds. How is Jack an unelectable crackpot? Let us count the ways. First, he's even less web-savvy than Gene Amondson. Jack can't even be bothered to register his own domain name, and has instead co-opted somebody else's Tripod account. I didn't even know Tripod still existed, but there it is, powering the web for crackpots who can't spring for three bucks a month. Second, just look at that helmet. Third, nothing endears a candidate to the people like touting the political ideals of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein. Fourth, just look at that helmet. Fifth, snazzy matching uniforms for himself and his intended First Lady. Yeah. That's sexy. Sixth? You guessed it! Just. Look. At. That. HELMET! Only one man's is more awe inspiring. Okay okay, so he looks like a douchebag. Let's at least give his issues a chance. I'll start with the FAQ. It says I can make big bucks if I click on... oh, wait. That's the Tripod pop-up ad. I'll try again. Ah, here we go. Blah blah blah... fascism... yadda yadda... class struggle... blah blah... Saddam Hussein... Wait! What's this? "I would also halt urban sprawl by reviving center cities across America & enacting rules of public conduct that police would rigidly enforce." Ooh, Thoughtcrime! I can't wait to see how that would work. I wonder if it will involve snazzy helmets? Then he tells us what he'd tackle first in his Presidential Priorities. Numero uno? Abolish paper money and replace it with a work point system. Apparently you get credit for the work you do, which you can then use to buy things. How novel! Screw salary, I want work credits! His second priority is to make things cheaper. No, really, that's it: make things cheaper. I'm guessing work at the Chuck E. Cheese hasn't been very fulfilling for Mr. Grimes. Finally (yep, that's right, three whole priorities), he intends to "create a league of nine or ten nations that would form a Confederacy of States to create a global government." Nine or ten? Thanks for being specific. Dare I ask which nations? I get the feeling Chavez and Ahmadinejad will be numbers 2 and 3 in his Fave 5^SM. Maybe Jack will bring helmets to their first summit. So I get it now. The mainstream media isn't going to give lip service to crackpots, even if it would be worth a few laughs and might jack up ratings. I say we force the media to give people like Grimes the attention they so richly deserve! On election day, I'll be wearing the following button on my lapel: "Vote Grimes 2008. Just for spite."

Gonna Take a Bite Out of Apple

Mike — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 03:14:29 +0000

I'll soon be writing one of these from a MacBook. Sadly, it won't be mine. At least, it won't belong to me; I'll just be hammering on it for the next several months. My boss, it turns out, has been impressed by what he's seen out of Apple software and thinks there's a lot to take advantage of in an educational setting. I don't disagree, but the trick is a) working out how to fit it into our network and b) cost. The first isn't a real obstacle, just something to be aware of. The second is a bit tougher for a small, rural school district. "Buy one to evaluate," he said. "We'll worry about cost later." Sounds good to me! Besides, maybe there are ways to help with cost. Apple used to give free copies of OS X to educators when it first hit, so there's got to be something they'd be willing to do to get a foot in the door at an all-Windows district. So I fired an email off to a rep. The work day was more than half over and we're headed into a holiday, so I didn't expect a response until next week. As such, I didn't bother providing a phone number. An hour later, I got a phone call. It was the rep, on the road. He got my email, found our school website, and called, all from his car on his iPhone. Pretty slick iPhone commercial right there (it's too bad his Cingular/AT&T connection didn't live up to the same standard). Next I was impressed by the rep himself. I figured he was just a good salesman out for a commission, but our conversation went very well. He spent more time talking about services and support Apple could provide to both myself and our teachers than how great their hardware/software is and how much money we'd have to spend to see discounts. The latter is all certain other vendors want to talk about. That is, if they bother to talk to us at all after they find out we're a small district not purchasing in large volumes. They fax me a quote and I never hear from them again. Some do provide tech support, but I have yet to have one tell me what they can do to help my teachers use technology in the classroom better, and I've been at this going on eight years. If this Apple rep lives up to half of what he promises, it's easy to see the value for purchasing the hardware. Especially when considering the deep education discounts offered on their software (which, by the way, includes teacher copies for home use, something certain other vendors rarely -- if ever -- provide). So a sweet new MacBook will be headed my way next week. Time to find out if the product itself lives up to the same promises.

Ubuntu vs. Kubuntu

Mike — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 18:44:46 +0000

I finally got around to reinstalling Linux on my desktop PC, and wound up taking both Ubuntu and its KDE-driven sibling Kubuntu for test drives. My DVD drive didn't like the Ubuntu CD for some reason; the disk worked fine in other boxes, and Kubuntu and even Xubuntu CD's worked just fine. Put Ubuntu back in and it would crap out while booting. Oh well, I'm used to KDE, so I went ahead and installed Kubuntu. I wasn't quite as impressed with it as I was with Xubuntu. If the look and feel of Windows XP is Fisher-Price, then the default KDE setup of Kubuntu is Little Tikes. I felt more like I was staring at a Nintendo game rather than a workhorse desktop and I quickly started tweaking out the desktop settings to make things a little less soft and pretty. I'm not necessarily looking for sparse, but kindergarten isn't the right direction. But hey, functionality is more important, so I restored my personal files using KDE's Dolphin file manager (think Windows Explorer only much more functional). I did like this, and it had a convenient button to switch to superuser mode and get full access to the system. Very nice. Next I started installing necessary apps. Kubuntu forgoes the tried-and-true Synaptic in favor of its own front end for APT called Adept. Given the name, one would think the software would be good at what it does. To the extent of browsing packages, it was. Actually installing packages was another matter. I tried installing the Java browser plug-ins, and the license agreements popped up on the screen. I clicked next, but then the license prompts disappeared and Adept spat out an error and ceased installation, claiming the other packages I selected were not installed. Yet when I looked in the menu, there were Thunderbird and Firefox (Kubuntu tries to get you to stick with Kmail and Konqueror instead -- they're not bad, but there's something to be said about standardizing across all my desktops, and in my opinion the Mozilla products are the best at what they do). I filed that particular quirk for future reference and went back in to select a few more packages. Same error, same result. Deselecting some packages and resetting some other selections didn't help, and after several tries I got the same error over half the time. Not to mention I was no closer to having a Java-enabled web experience. I thought about having it suck down the GNOME side of things from the Ubuntu repositories, but why? I had just wiped my Linux partitions clean to change the file system format and resize my partitions, so why not just start fresh again? I hooked an old CD drive to the computer, booted the Ubuntu CD, and this time it worked. I decided to see what would happen if I just formatted the new root partition and left /home alone so I wouldn't have to restore my personal files a second time. Then I was prompted with a new question: did I want to import files and personal settings? The installer had not only found my Windows partition, but it had ferreted out the profiles for myself and my wife. I only use Windows for gaming and my wife has never logged on to this Windows install so I didn't need any of that, but I was impressed that it was presented as an option. A few more clicks and I set the installer loose. On reboot, GRUB appeared and asked me to select an operating system. Where Kubuntu only gave me a Linux option, Ubuntu automagically configured GRUB to give me Ubuntu, a safe mode install, and a Windows boot option. Also slick, especially since I needed the Windows partition for game night with the guys shortly. Once inside, I actually found GNOME comforting. Sure, with some tweaking I can easily make one look like the other and vice versa, but I was much more comfortable just sitting down to start working rather than spend another hour or so tweaking things out. A minor victory for Ubuntu to be sure, but at least Canonical seems to understand there aren't just nine-year-old girls in their install base. I found my /home partition intact, so I moved on to software. Canonical provides OpenOffice.org by default rather than KOffice, and Firefox is the default browser, so I was already halfway there. I added the Medibuntu package repositories and fired up trusty Synaptic. Bliss. Not a single error, and in minutes I had Thunderbird and several other packages and plug-ins installed and running. Firefox spat out a Flash error at first, which I thought was odd since I'd installed it from Synaptic. Fortunately just clicking the "get plug-in" options within Firefox had Flash 9 up and running in seconds. Not too shabby. Ubuntu and Kubuntu may share the same guts, but the presentation is vastly different. I haven't decided yet if I'll bother downloading KDE at all, but the Kubuntu guys have some work to do if they want to compete with Canonical, especially in package management. In the end it's Ubuntu for the win. It's also worth noting that I did all of this in about the same span as it would have taken me to get Windows XP installed and up and running just once. Downloading the various software packages alone, not to mention extra drivers and vendor-specific software, would have taken the better part of a day, and I was up and running with Ubuntu in about half an hour. Not too shabby. In other tech news, the purchase order for the MacBook for work goes in today. I look forward to comparing the apples and oranges of the two, and getting into the guts of its command line. This should be fun.

Vista Crawls

Mike — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 21:42:50 +0000

I didn't intend this to be tech day on the blog, but now I've found this CNet article talking about how Windows XP is a lot faster than Windows Vista. My first reaction was "tell me something I don't know." While I'm not a big fan of Windows XP, I do admit it's the best system Microsoft has put out. Vista just doesn't impress me at all, because in my eyes if you've got a current machine, whatever software you put on it should hum. On a brand new ThinkPad I purchased, Vista was very pokey, even with the eye candy turned off. In the article, one of their VP's says:

"Frankly, the world wasn't 100 percent ready for Windows Vista."

Ah, yes. When Linux has headaches, it's not ready for the desktop. When Vista has delays, canceled features, etc., it's the rest of the world that's not ready. Nice. When co-workers and parents come to me asking to buy a computer, about half of them are asking me where they can buy a machine with XP on it. They're not asking me what I think of Vista, or if they should upgrade, they've already heard that it's no good, or that they should wait until Service Pack 1 comes out. Two parents have asked me if they felt their kids could still get college work done on a Mac (and I said "Of course!", of course). There's a few people who tell me how great Vista's new features are, but how many of those apply to Joe End User? Very few. There's some great stuff in there for network admins and for securing Vista in a large network, but not a lot that the kid down the street surfing the Internet and typing up essays is going to take advantage of. I really hope Microsoft is getting the message on this one, and that the next operating system they claim they're working on solves a lot of these problems. Until then, people are going to be paying more and more attention to the Apple Switch ads and the similar Linux ads. (I find it all the more interesting these Switch spoof ads are run by Novell, who partnered with Microsoft for greater Linux interoperability.)

A Pair of Writers' Resources

Mike — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 16:20:23 +0000

I found two things that may be of interest to writers. First up is Writer's Cafe, which I found via Linux.com. It's a multi-platform program that lets you organize just about everything having to do with your writing, ranging from outlining to collecting notes and reference material. I'm not big on this kind of thing because I don't want to spend more time fiddling than writing, but if hyper-organization is your thing, give it a shot. Second is the Visual Dictionary Online, which I found on Lifehacker. Because you can't ask Google "What's the name of that thing that connects to this other thing in a door lock?", getting details right in a chunk of prose can get frustrating. With the Visual Dictionary, all you have to do is find a picture of the object in question and boom, you've got a word and a definition. Way cool.

Big Loser

Mike — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 16:51:58 +0000

The Biggest Loser contest at work is going much better this time around. I've cut 3.5% of my body weight since we started, and we've got two more weeks to go. A lot of people haven't been weighing in so I don't know how my team is doing, but there are a lot of people grumbling about not losing anything so hopefully I'll at least win my money back on this. I've now lost 32 pounds since I started studying Shuri-ryu with the Academy of Okinawan Karate. Next week I'll have been at it for nine months, and I will likely earn my blue belt. I'm celebrating both milestones by buying my Xmas present early: a sturdy, 14-ounce cotton gi to replace the ghetto gi the school issues for free. A seamstress co-worker altered the sleeves and pants for me and I can't wait to try it out tonight. (I rolled the cuffs and practiced in it Tuesday night. The sleeves held, but the pants came loose with kicking and were a nuisance.) If this continues another year, I hope to be able to purchase a gi according to my height and still have it fit my torso properly. The sleeves may still need to be altered for my stubby arms, but hopefully not near as much. Jeans are almost as difficult to fit. This week, however, I learned I'm just about down another pant size. The legs and seat fit fine in relaxed fit, but the waist is just a hair too snug. I imagine they'll fit by Xmas at the rate I'm going, and I'll probably be replacing yet another belt at the same time. I've even had to tighten my watch, and my wedding band is easier than ever to take off. A friend of mine likes to joke that I'm wasting away. I don't see any danger of that happening anytime soon, but the difference is becoming more and more obvious. Lesson learned: whatever gets you off your ass and keeps you moving is a good thing. If I can do it, anyone can.

The Psychology of Robotics (or Lack Thereof)

Mike — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 23:03:17 +0000

Robots can do some pretty cool stuff these days, but so far most of it is trivial in the grand scheme of things and I think we're a lot farther off from true artificial intelligence than most people believe. I read a Wired article about new robot hands, and it discussed the methods scientists are using to train the robots to perform a simple task. The first robot, Stair, is trained to learn from its mistakes, and as it tries to pick a glass from a dishwasher it keeps trying new methods until it picks up the glass. The second robot, UMan, is trained to analyze objects, figure out how it can interact with them, and store that knowledge for the future. That's impressive and all, but people learn both ways. There are those who want robots to be domestic servants and even domestic helpers, aiding the elderly with various tasks and dispensing their medication. A lofty goal, but would you want grandma's robo-buddy to learn its lessons by injecting her with the wrong medications or turning her upside-down in the shower because she just happens to fit that way? Before you say that's unfair, remember that robots will have to be at least as reliable and safe as trained human beings before robots can replace humans. It got me thinking that maybe the scientists are approaching robotic programming the wrong way. A robot's world is literally black and white: everything is binary. That world gets even smaller when we realize that a robot is further limited to its programming. Stair can pick up a glass, but what happens when you put a bowl in front of it? Time for more programming. It's not a great leap beyond the robots assembling cars, which have one task they do repeatedly. As the article mentions, you move a part six inches to the right and that car-assembling robot is lost. The new robot may be able to find the part, but move it to a new point on the assembly line with a new job and it has to be reprogrammed. "But wait, Mike," you might be saying. "UMan might be able to find the part and figure out what to do with it." Not necessarily. It may figure out the parts and the tools, but will it be able to assemble a car? Even if it does (which I acknowledge would be impressive), it needs to know what a car is. It needs to be programmed with the blueprints and guides, and it needs to do it in the proper order. Now let's say it just built a Ford Focus. Take UMan and put it on the Ford Taurus line. Whoops, time to start from scratch again. Better than the robot arm? Certainly. Ready to take humans out of the equation? Not by a long shot. Which leads me to the first thing humans have that robots don't: imagination. Whatever its origin -- evolutionary or divine, natural or supernatural -- imagination is what sets us apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. Where animals adapt to their environment, we adapt our environment to us. We have the abstract thinking to apply objects to different tasks. Robots test medicine for us by putting different compounds in petri dishes with different cells and cultures in them, but they'd never come up with that idea on their own. UMan may figure out how to work a can opener, but I doubt it would ever think to open a package with the can opener. Even the world's smartest monkeys are light years ahead of robots because monkeys have a capacity to learn. We can teach a gorilla like Koko sign language because it not only learns the gestures but can learn to apply them. Teaching a robot sign language doesn't mean it will pass the Turing Test (and even if it did, it would be because a human programmed it with specific responses based on human psychology, not because the robot figured out how to communicate on its own). Take UMan to the next stage of its learning evolution, and it still won't compete. When you teach a child what a dog is, she understands different breeds of dogs are still dogs, even if she doesn't understand what a breed is. If you show UMan a Chihuahua and tell it "this is a dog," what will its reaction be when you introduce it to a Great Dane? Or an Old English Sheepdog? The brilliant reCAPTCHA project is a perfect example of this. A human being can recognize different fonts and still recognize the letter Z if part of it were smudged. Optical character recognition software, despite years of development, cannot. As a result, researchers are now using human brainpower to help the computers decode obfuscated text in scanned classical texts. Robots also lack judgment. Take Aiko, for example. Her creator gropes her breast and she gets angry. (We'll put aside for now the fact that only a human would think of molesting a robot.) Pretty cool at first, but she's only reacting that way because he programmed her to. She wouldn't be any more offended than a slab of iron if she didn't have the programming. The guys behind Real Doll would probably pay him a fortune to program her to purr with pleasure instead, but that wouldn't be any more authentic a reaction. Robots lack instinct. If a toddler trips and falls, he pulls back his head and throws out his hands. A robot, on the other hand, would fall flat on its face unless it were specifically programmed to catch itself. We swing pads at students in karate class, and even if they don't automatically raise their hands to block, they shrink away or turn their heads. If we were a real threat, they'd run away. Attack a robot with a hammer and you can beat on it all day if it weren't programmed with specific fight-or-flight responses. There may be a way to cheat some of this. A robot's capacity for learning is limited only by its storage capacity. Filled up a hard drive teaching it sign language? No problem. Install a second drive and teach it Japanese. Moore's Law says robots will be able to process this data faster and faster, so that shouldn't be a problem, either. Especially as mechanical (or chemical?) articulation improves and rivals human physical capabilities. The robotic evolutionary leap comes into play when they can start communicating with one another. I'm not talking about Ethernet, here. I'm talking communication of ideas, of concepts. If Stair could teach UMan all it has learned, and they in turn teach their successors all they have learned, and so on, it only takes a few generations before you can build a sizeable catalog of robotic intuition. A future robot could conceivably come online knowing everything every robot before it has ever learned. Throw a solid grasp of learning by imitation into the mix, and its not long before you get a reasonable facsimile. It's still far from human in ultimate potential, but now we're talking enough to at least consider putting them into more complex roles than assembling cars and pouring test tubes. I wouldn't want one taking care of grandma, or in fact doing much of anything with human lives at stake. Make one a traffic cop and it will probably do fine while human drivers cooperated. What happens when someone ignores it, or attacks another driver in a fit of road rage? I'd rather see ¨berbots sent to Mars to collect samples and explore crevices than placed in an old folks home. In short, I think we're far better off concentrating our efforts on supplementing -- perhaps even augmenting -- humans rather than replacing them, because that's never going to happen. One final thought: there are many people who think Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics make robots safe to put in positions of responsibility over humans. They seem to forget that Asimov spent a good portion of his career figuring out how those same Three Laws are flawed.

Harold & Kumar Ride Again!

Mike — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 02:29:19 +0000

I just watched the trailer for Harold & Kumar 2. It picks up where the first left off, with our intrepid heroes headed for Amsterdam. Shortly after they get on the plane, an old lady decides Kumar, an Indian, is a terrorist and they guys are promptly locked up. I can't wait. John and I caught the first one in the theater and had an absolute blast. If this one's just half as good, it will be well worth the ticket price. (Wow. From pseudo-cerebral robot talk to Harold & Kumar. My blog is so freakin' eclectic. Which, of course, is a nice way of saying "I hope it doesn't suck.")

MacBook: First Impressions

Mike — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 04:57:12 +0000

It's here! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
The MacBook arrived today. I'm tapping out this blog post on it right now, in fact. I have to give credit to Apple, they certainly know how to handle product presentation. White isn't my first color choice, but though it pervades everything from the packaging to the laptop itself, it gives the product a very sharp, clean, almost futuristic appearance. The laptop was wrapped in a protective sleeve and laid out in a nest of Styrofoam eggshells, and the extra parts and little bundle of manuals and CD's were waiting patiently beneath it. When you open a new Dell or Lenovo, meanwhile, you get some cardboard boxes and plastic bags. The accessories rattle around the box and you end up with six pounds of inserts littering the floor when you're done unpacking everything. Those are little things, certainly, but they show Apple's at least trying to provide a little bang for the buck. And it's pretty cool they included a nice cleaning cloth with it, because the glossy chassis is prone to fingerprints. The drooling didn't last long. I'm a function over form guy so I pulled her out and opened her up. I was surprised, at first, by the lack of a latch. Instead, Apple's got a nifty magnet that holds the lid shut. Nothing to protrude and snag or break, and no puzzle to figure out. It complements the magnetic power connection, which I think is nothing short of brilliant. In fact, the power supply magnet already came in handy twice: first the Squirt stepped on it while climbing on me on the couch, and then I turned to one side and the cord snagged on a table corner. A regular connector would probably have survived the latter, but the former may well have resulted in my ordering a new power supply. Three things surprised me when I opened the lid: the buttons, the lid hinges, and the touchpad. The buttons are larger and spaced farther apart than I expected for a 13" laptop, and they're very comfortable and easy to type on. The lack of extraneous media controls was also nice, as I never use any of that crap anyway. I was still leery of the single mouse button at this point, but I felt the huge trackpad would come in handy. I find it kind of amusing the enter key is labeled both "enter" and "return"; it makes me want to hunt for the "any" key. I see there's also a nice "alt" label on the option key for us PC folk, and then of course there's the squiggly box thing us PC folk tend to sneer at. The light on the caps lock key is a nice touch, though I just now realized there's no num lock or faux number pad. I can't imagine I'll miss it as I never used it anyway, but it's suddenly weird not seeing it there. I don't see other PC standbys like scroll lock, print sreen, or pause/break, either. I never use scroll lock and print screen and pause/break are once in a blue moon, so I guess it makes sense for Apple to ditch the clutter. Finally, the hinge mount gives the user an extra inch or so of distance from the screen, making me feel at least a little less like I'm sitting too close to the screen. It also frees up some chassis real estate for the power button, which in turn probably gives the user a little more room for the touchpad and on the palm rests. This is the entry-level MacBook, though we did get it bumped up to 2GB of RAM. However, even at entry level it's got the built-in iSight camera, 2 USB ports, a Firewire port, an Ethernet port, a VGA output (albeit with a proprietary Mac connector -- our rep tossed in an adapter), headphone and (I assume) line-in jacks, wireless, and Bluetooth. I've got the DVD player/CD burner combo, and it's the Apple self-loading style rather than the pop-out drawer you get on PC laptops. And, of course, I can't forget the light-up Apple on the lid. All told, I have to agree with John and others that for the specs and hardware it's at least comparable to most PC laptops at the same price. I do wonder if the lack of a PC card slot will be a problem for some users, but it won't be for me. Time to take a look at the real guts, OS X. The rep gave me the option of Tiger (10.4) or Leopard (10.5), and I told him I want the latest and greatest. Leopard started with a welcome movie and then started asking me the standard account-setup questions. The first notable point here was it used the iSight camera to take a picture of me for my account button. Little more than glitz, of course, but kind of cool. The Midget and I mugged for it together, and I later saw that same picture/avatar appear in Mail and iChat. The second notable point was the wireless setup. My WAP at work filters by MAC address, and there's no sign of the MAC address on the laptop itself (most manufacturers put it on the bottom). Apple ditched all of the extraneous labels you find beneath a PC laptop, thus leaving me on my own. My options were to select another network (like Ethernet or Bluetooth) or tell it I don't connect to a network. I selected the no network option so I can see how tough it would be to get this sucker online later. Moments later I was up and running. First task? The wireless. I found a wireless icon on the desktop, and it showed me it had found my WAP. Another click into Advanced and voilá, there was my MAC address. I half wondered if "AirPort Address" actually referred to my access point, but I guess Apple calls both the cards and the access points AirPort devices. No big deal, because the moment I keyed it into my WAP I was surfing the Net in Safari. I watched a few YouTube videos and found I had Flash support out of the box, no plug-ins required. I also had PDF support. Sound is decent, but hey, it's a 13" laptop. I still can't find the speakers, but it almost sounds like they're behind the display. The remote control for Front Row (think Media Center, Windows people) works like a champ and Front Row itself is easy to get around in. I'll probably put it through its paces at another time. I then surfed to Apple Trailers and watched a couple. 1080p videos were bigger than my screen, but let me tell you, 720p on this baby was nothing short of gorgeous. I aimed the screen at the Wife across the room, and she was similarly impressed by its clarity. It also played the HD video and the audio with no sign of chop. Similarly impressive was the machine claims it will get over four hours out of the battery. I'll test that another time, but if it's true I'm going to need to change my pants. While Safari is kind of cool, I did find out the hard way that it doesn't cooperate with WordPress, which powers my blog. A little digging and I found out I was screwed because Safari uses the Gecko rendering engine rather than the Mozilla or even IE engines. No matter, I wanted Firefox so I could continue using Foxmarks if nothing else. Getting up to that point was where I did my initial wrestling with the differences between Macs and PC's. The delete key debate question did prove invalid, but I do see a few other areas of adjustment. And I best start by saying none of these are showstoppers, they're just the Mac way of doing things. First, copying and pasting are accomplished with Command-C and Command-V, respectively. I found this out by browsing the Edit menu and looking at the shortcut keys. Here's where I missed having a right mouse button, and I'll probably fix it with a three-button USB mouse. Yes, I realize I can also copy with Control-Click, but if I'm going to be clicking an extra button I may as well use Command-C. I'll further admit I'm spoiled by Linux's automatic copying of highlighted text to the clipboard. Highlighting and then middle clicking just plain rocks. Second we have the menu and window placement. In the Windows world, almost every app runs in its own window and gets its own menu. In the Mac world, the menu across the top of the screen changes to become the menu for whatever app you're actively using. This is not a problem. What I do miss already is a taskbar, or at least an easy way to access running apps. Yes, I realize this is what Expose is for, and it is very pretty, but it'd be able to get a listing via the mouse. I'd even be happy if it was in a stack like the Documents and Downloads buttons on the Dock (and if there's a way to accomplish this, do feel free to leave me a comment). I'm going to have to get used to this quick, because chasing windows around was a pain. Next we have the Dock itself. I don't really have a comment here, other than I guess it's pretty snazzy. It's just a different way of doing things, and I don't feel I have a preference for it over a Start button setup. I played with it in the System Preferences and whipped it into what I suppose is a reasonably functional shape. Which leads me to System Preferences, which is the same as the Control Panel for Windows folks. Easy to browse and navigate, with all that you need right there. Much better than Microsoft's goofy category view, and a hair more straightforward even than the classic view. This is also where I tweaked mouse behavior. Out of the box, I couldn't tap the touchpad to click icons or buttons or sweep a finger across it to scroll within windows. That became the first thing I had to fix after the networking. There wasn't much I could do about the single button, but I did discover I could scroll both horizontally and vertically simply by using two fingers to do the sweep. I may have to tweak the touchpad's sensitivity a bit, but I'm impressed by two-finger scrolling. In Windows, maybe you get scroll space along the side and/or bottom of the touchpad. In Linux, it will reserve the side and/or bottom of the touchpad for scroll space even if the hardware wasn't set up for it. This can become a nuisance because they both often misinterpret what you're trying to do when your finger accidentally strays into these spaces, and you also get accidental clicks rather than scrolls. The Mac is not prone to this because it knows you've got two fingers on the pad and that you intend to scroll, not click. I also didn't have the problem where the mouse stops on videos (or worse, Flash-based banner ads); it scrolled right on through them, even if I started right on top of them. Kudos, Apple! I set up a Mail account and connected it to my server at work. This was a fairly straightforward process, and I was presented with my email from work. It dutifully downloaded my Inbox first, then politely went about downloading the rest of my mail in the background so I could get to work right away. Rockin'. After that I set up iChat. Very straightforward, nothing remarkable. I opened the Address Book, iCal, iPhoto, and iMovie, but I didn't play with them much. I'll have to play with them another day, and I especially want to get my hands dirty with iPhoto. The last thing I tackled, and the last thing I'll cover in this post, is software installation. I downloaded Thunderbird to manage my home email and to see how it would look on a Mac, and I also snagged Firefox and a FTP/SCP client called Cyberduck. All three came in the .dmg disk image format. There was just one problem with that: I had no idea how to handle the damned things. I haven't felt this helpless behind a keyboard in years. I expected the system would lead me through the install process when I clicked the files, but not so. Instead I got a window with a big application icon in it. I clicked the little oval in the upper right corner of the window border and got a bigger window with some folders and such on the left. I soon figured out I was inside the .dmg file, but still wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing with them. Obviously this was just a fundamental lack of understanding of the Mac world, so I hit Mozilla's site. Unfortunately they offered no hints. Then I hit Cyberduck's site, thinking they'd have an install guide. Nope. Google came to the rescue. After a few searches, I learned I needed to copy the big icon -- which was the application itself -- to the Applications folder. I did so and then had a working program. Advantage one of doing it this way? No registry. Let me say that again: no expletive deleted registry! In fact, no extra files, period. Nice. It's tough to gauge it against Windows because I can install exe's in my sleep, but I suppose a newcomer with a little guidance may find it more convenient because they can drop it wherever they want rather than blindly accepting Windows defaults. On the downside, I think I prefer Synaptic. You don't have to surf anywhere to find an app, it takes care of all the installation for you and you return to the same place for updates. It's also more intuitive to click "Add/Remove Software" and get a full software catalog than to download a file that you first have to find on the system and then have to open and copy its contents to somewhere else. Cyberduck threw me a little because it had several files and olders within the image, not just the application, and I'm going to have to learn to manage the Dock before it gets too bloated with installed applications. As I said above, none of these are showstoppers, they're just a matter of learning. I only mention them as comparisons to the PC world and so you can point and laugh at the dummy with the shiny white laptop. I'll continue to fiddle around and I will soon attempt some work-related tasks for both the day job and the writing. OpenOffice.org is definitely in my future (or at least NeoOffice, anyway), I'll be installing some printers, connecting to Active Directory, and of course I'll fiddle with the iLife apps and the Unix guts of the system. In the end, I like this sucker. I can't say I want to run out and by my own, but I certainly wouldn't discourage anyone from purchasing one. In fact, I feel more confident than ever in saying a person can sit down in front of any machine and quickly become productive. I've spent more time writing up this post and watching videos than I have trying to figure out how to do something. If you can surf with IE or Firefox, you can surf with Safari. If you can set up mail accounts in Outlook Express or Thunderbird, you can set up Mail. And finally, even if the controls throw you for a loop, you'll get used to them in no time. It will be fun to find out if the users I support feel the same way.

Help a Brother Out

Mike — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 14:33:50 +0000

I just learned that Steve Bryant, the creator of Athena Voltaire, is currently facing some personal hardships. Steve's one of those guys who works his ass off and deserves some exposure for his book. Rather than trolling for donations, I'm going to give a strong buy recommendation to his book. If you like pulp stories and/or you're an Indiana Jones fan, you will love Athena Voltaire. This is the kind of book I can read with my son and we both really enjoy it. Order it, dig it, and know at the same time you'll be helping the guy out.

Still Doesn't Count

Mike — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 16:38:56 +0000

A friend sent me this video of a Toyota-made robot playing the violin in response to my Psychology of Robotics post. It's very cool and all, and yes, it's an amazing display of the dexterity robots are becoming capable of. But when you break it down, I'm sure people were just as impressed with the player piano when it was first invented. Can you teach the robot how to play the fiddle portions of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"? Not without programming it, you can't.

Blue Belt, Blue Kata

Mike — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 23:28:50 +0000

We just finished review week at my karate school, and I've officially been promoted to rokyu, or blue belt, in Shuri-ryu. With it comes a new kata called Anaku, which I learned in class yesterday and which I'll be practicing intensely for the next few months. You can get a look at Anaku (aka Ananku) on YouTube. Shorin-ryu and Shotokan are similar to Shuri-ryu in many respects, and as such our interpretation of the kata is very similar to what you see in the video. The pattern is the same, but some of the blocks and strikes along the main axis are different. I've been practicing the yellow belt kata Wansu (aka Wanshu) for 18 weeks, and there are two adjustments that I'm going to have to work hard to change for Anaku. First is what we call an augmented shuto uke. This is a knife-hand block, and we bring both hands together at the ear to build tension before firing the block. If you watch the linked video, it's the slow technique where Shimabakuro moves his hands outward with his fingers straight (we execute it fast like a block, but I'm guessing their interpretation is a scan). In Wansu, this technique is executed from the left side and is used a total of four times. Running a quick-and-dirty calculation, I've executed it that way a minimum of 1600 times since becoming a yellow belt, but probably closer to 2000 or more. Now I have to execute it from the right side. One wouldn't think such a small change would feel so awkward, but it really threw me the first few times. It's the first movement in Anaku following the opening gestures, and if I'm not concentrating I automatically fall into doing it from the left. This throws off the entire kata. The second change comes at the finish. In Wansu, there are three points where you execute a simultaneous oyugo uke (swim block) and punch, then immediately follow it up with a reiken zuki (backfist punch) to the groin. I now automatically flow from the combo to the strike, especially after several runs of Wansu in rapid session, or with attackers. Like the knife-hand block, I've probably done that 1500 to 2000 times now. In Anaku, the swim block-punch combo is the final technique before doing the augmented shuto uke (and a return to the left side) as a scan for more opponents. Furthermore, it involves a 180-degree turn rather than another step forward. This too has really thrown me for a loop. This is after day one, of course, but it's a good demonstration of how muscle memory works, how it develops, and how strong it can be. The retraining will probably be tough for the first couple of weeks, but that's no different from how it felt learning Wansu the first time. It also proves that in a few months it will all become second nature, particularly if I continue to run Wansu with Anaku (which I intend to). In addition to the new kata, I'll be learning several new techniques, more self defenses, and some judo. It will almost double the variety of moves I can practice in a workout session, making my home workouts that much more interesting and engaging. This variety keeps me working, which in turn keeps the movements from stagnating. That, in turn, keeps the body from stagnating. Which was the whole point of this endeavor in the first place. For those who are curious, there are five more steps before black belt in my style: green belt, purple belt, and three degrees of brown belt. It's at ikkyu, first-degree brown belt, that things slow down. As my sensei put it, it's when things "come to a screeching halt." If I nail every review from here on, I'm looking at about a year and a half before I hit ikkyu. From what I'm told, it could be three to five years after that before I'd be looking at black belt, dependent upon when Shihan Walker decides I'm ready. In that sense, it's almost like going through a college program, and thus it's not hard to see why some think the martial arts is a young man's game. A lot of people get their black belt and drop out, and there have been several ikkyus in our program who got tired of waiting and gave up. There are several black belts at my school, however, who are as passionate as ever about their karate. They approach their new katas with the same excitement and energy I approach mine, and they still find they learn new things in all they have learned thus far. These are the people who feel that, at black belt, they are just beginning to learn. I hope to be one of them.

Protester Embraces Nuke Power

Mike — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 20:49:02 +0000

Wired has an interview with Gwyneth Cravens, a former nuclear protester who has done the research and determined nuclear power is indeed our best option for the future of power. If the interview is any reflection of her book, she spends her time talking about facts rather than pushing emotional hotbuttons. It's too bad Cravens and her comrades waited this long to do so, because they've already done the damage to the nuclear industry. Thanks to their fear mongering and lobbying, no new reactors have come online in almost 30 years. Congress has recently starting discussing legislation to make it more attractive to build nuclear power plants, but by the time those new reactors go online, several more will reach their end of life and there will be that much less power circulating through the infrastructure. Protesters and lobbyists -- whether we're talking about those who protest national issues like nuke power and gun control or local issues like school district consolidations and wind farm construction -- are bad enough at doing their research, but an even bigger problem is they always want guarantees. In the case of nuke power, they want 100% safety or no nuke at all. Meanwhile they're sucking in the pollution caused by fossil fuel plants pumping carbon into the atmosphere. They conjure images of radioactive death clouds and nuclear explosions, but neglect to look at stats like those Cravens provides:

"In the U.S., 24,000 people a year die from coal pollution. Hundreds of thousands more people suffer from lung and heart disease directly attributable to coal pollution."

This is exactly why insurance companies, retailers, and just about everyone in safety and/or security roles talk about risk management versus risk elimination: nothing you can do is going to guarantee safety or eliminate risk. When I was a retail manager, we knew there was no way to prevent shoplifting, we merely did everything we could to minimize it. Risk managers weigh the pros and cons of given actions and do whatever will have the least impact.

60 deaths at Chernobyl + 0 deaths from TMI, versus 24,000 deaths annually from coal. One would think that's a no-brainer.

Gimme 13 Inches

Mike — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 03:00:56 +0000

Size Comparison Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
If nothing else, this MacBook experiment is making me fall in love with 13" notebooks. I've been lugging a 15" Dell Inspiron 8000 around for six years now, and it's somewhat of a beast. It's unwieldy in the lap because most of its weight pitches toward the back and ends up right over my knees. It's not a big deal on the sofa, but it can get tricky in the car. It's also a hair too big for an airline tray, and if the person in front of me reclines more than an inch, I may as well just pack it up. At work I inherited the Dell M60 in the picture above. It's a 15" widescreen and is about the same weight as my 8000. It's even more awkward due to its wider profile. In fact, it barely fits in the side-loading compartment in my backpack. My philosophy in the past has been better a big screen if it's going to see a lot of use. I don't know what the future will bring for a laptop, and in the unlikely event it becomes a desktop replacement the bigger screen will be handy for photo editing. Over time I started to wish my 15's were a bit more portable. I dock at work, and at home the laptop spends 99% of the time doing email, web surfing, and writing. Even pumped up to a high rez, on-screen text is still perfectly readable because the screen is less than an arm's length away. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury to buy a 13" laptop just to see what I think of it. Tinkering at the store isn't enough, and the stores don't look kindly upon returns. If I buy a laptop, it's going to see several years of use whether I like it or not. Enter the MacBook. As you can see in the picture, the 13" Mac is quite a bit smaller than the Dell it's sitting on top of. It's also thinner and significantly lighter; I can carry it around open and in one hand with little difficulty. It fits nicely in my lap, and I'm still having no trouble at all on the keyboard. The on-screen differences are negligible thanks to the high rez and the widescreen aspect ratio. So what's my point? I'm glad you asked. You can probably tell I'm making a personal evaluation out of this as well as a professional one. The Mac OS has me interested enough to at least consider it, and sometime next year I'll be in the market for a new personal laptop. In the coming weeks, then, I'll probably start looking at the hardware offerings from PC notebook manufacturers and weigh the pros and cons as best I can. One thing's for sure, though: it's going to be painful going back to my Inspiron 8000, no matter what OS is loaded on it.

Dvorak Missing the Point?

Mike — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 03:49:41 +0000

Cranky tech pundit John C. Dvorak recently wrote a PC Magazine column slamming the One Laptop per Child project. Dvorak knows his stuff, and he makes some good points about these children being exposed to all the garbage on the Internet. However, I think he may have missed the point with his "let them eat cake" comment. On the surface, it does seem to make more sense to send more rice and food to these people. But that doesn't solve the larger problem, does it? These people will become dependent upon those shipments. If Dvorak's going to toss out quotables, I'll toss one back: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." That's the real goal of the OLPC project: to enable these children to learn. 60 Minutes ran a segment on OLPC and the man behind it, Nicholas Negroponte. The guy didn't conjure this idea up out of nowhere, he was actually out in the field in a poor village with no electricity or running water. His group installed generators, a satellite dish with Internet access, and a set of laptops and turned them over to the school to see what would happen. The kids took them home and taught their families how to use them. They told their friends all about them, and the next year the school enrollment increased dramatically. If that trend continues, does it really matter what the laptops can or can't do? Just by showing up they're getting kids in the door. I'd have to call that successful by any standard.

Enough Tech! How 'Bout Writin'?

Mike — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 04:39:41 +0000

I've been blogging just about everything but my writing the last few weeks, so it's high time I at least mentioned it before people start to forget that's what I really want to do in the first place. Here's a status report on several projects: I've been thinking The Malice Engine may see life as a graphic novel rather than a prose novel. The content lends itself well to a visual presentation, and to be perfectly honest, it will probably see print a lot faster that way. I also think it would make a kickass animated feature if I can figure out a way to pitch it that way sometime. I've been sitting on a complete chapter-by-chapter outline for some time now. The German edition of Deadliest of the Species is being shopped to German and Austrian book retailers this month. The publisher is seeing a lot of growth and is doing well with their current products, so I have a reason to feel good about my chances. I'm hoping to be of greater help to the promotion efforts once the book hits. The top secret book still comes out next year. I still need to write a novella that will go on the back of the book, but it appears we've got an artist on board. I don't even want to say who that is, but I will tell you that if you've been following the horror small press, you've seen his work. The wrap-up to the story started with "To Fight With Monsters" in 4x4 and continued in To Travel Among Men in New Dark Voices is now officially two novellas. The first draft of the first novella, To Confront the Enemy, has been sent to two prereaders and one has given me good feedback already. The second novella, To Rise from the Ashes, is fully plotted out and just needs to be written. If all goes according to plan, the final published package will be the short story, the first novella, and these two novellas all combined to form the complete To Fight With Monsters saga. There has been some interest expressed in Powerless, my next novel (unless you call To Fight With Monsters a novel). Not a solid sale, mind, but the potential is there. I've taken stock in what I have so far, and I have more finished than I thought. Some cleanup and a solid synopsis and I should be able to drop a pitch on a desk early in the new year. Patrick Hoover, the artist of Wounded Gods, and I may be working on a different project soon, something more suited to his style. He's got a few big events in his family life right now, but I hope we can tell you more about it in another month or two. I'll be talking to a few other people about Wounded Gods in the near future. Remember Muy Mal? Contrary to popular opinion, John, Weston and I do, too. Honest. We all just happened to get sidetracked by larger projects at the same time. In that respect, I guess we can call Muy Mal a success. The three of us are currently discussing a relaunch with an eye to complete the existing stories and wrap up the shebang. It's patently obvious we can't do this indefinitely as we originally planned, but we sure don't want to leave everyone hanging. I'll have more on this when we get it all nailed down. I'm finishing up a zombie short story this week. It's tentatively titled "My Husband the Zombie" and it will be submitted to a publisher I've been working with recently. I don't want to say who until it's officially accepted, but the good news is I was invited to the anthology and the plot has already been approved. That's the bulk of it. Not a major change from my previous updates, but I have moved forward some. There are a few other things in the works, but nothing near solid enough to be worth mentioning. Unfortunately I'm finding my keyboard time for December dwindling more and more, but January's looking good. More to come with the New Year.

Comic Book Gu -- Er, Dude

Mike — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 04:00:36 +0000

I once told a coworker I read comics. She gave me a funny look and said "But you don't live in your mom's basement." Things took a stranger turn a month later, when someone I'd never met called me at work and said they had a box of comics I'd love. He dropped the box off at my house a week or so later, and he told me it was all great old stuff from the 50's and 60's. If I found anything of value, I was welcome to it. I doubted it. But hey, comics are comics, right? I opened the box and sifted through it. Yeah. Comic fans start knife fights in the convention aisles over adaptations of The Scarlett Letter and The Courtship of Miles Standish. I could probably talk a kid into Romeo & Juliet or Last of the Mohicans, but if I tried to hand them Silas Marner, they'd roll it up tight, shove it up my ass, and light the end on fire. And I would deserve it. If Frank Miller adapted it, that would be different. Maybe. Or hey, what about The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? Mitty at the end, standing in the rain with his cigarette in that wicked-cool Sin City style... I digress. I brought the box to the school I worked for at the time, thinking it would be a quick and easy way for the scholastic bowl team to choke down some literature at practice or before matches. It had to be at least as good as a Cliff's Notes volume, no? Non-dweebs assume if a man reads comics, he must be an expert on the subject. Their expression when I say I don't read superhero comics must be the same stupefied expression I gave an older gentleman when he found out I was a writer and asked if I'd ever submitted anything to Reader's Digest. If I read comics, I must reliably be able to appraise their collection. Just like another co-worker who brought me a box of comics. She knew next to nothing about them, only that they were from a relative who used to have a newsstand at a store she owned and this box contained a couple months' worth of comics from that newsstand. I doubted there was anything of value in there, and if there was, it was probably crushed and mangled beneath the unbagged, unboarded, sloppy pile of crap on top. But hey, comics are comics, right? I opened the box and sifted through it. Ah, Brigade and Youngblood, twin scourges of the industry. I'd probably get another fiery comic book enema for those. Beneath them were more and more comics from the era, the first few months of 1993. These were during my Dark Ages, right before I got a new job and stumbled back into a comic shop for the first time in two or three years. I did find some fun stuff, though. Lay your peepers on this:

Yeah! Bust out the Mr. T cereal and Mr. T cartoon and we'll have ourselves a massive nostalgia deathtrip. In fact, I think I'm going to give my dog a mohawk right now. Gotta love that bling on the cover, too. He looks like a disco ball with muscles. Next I found a hero I'd never heard of:

Dom assures me he was a successful cartoon character, but I can't shake the feeling he belongs in a bad WB sitcom. With that hat, he looks like Spike Lee in a Black Bolt costume minus the wings. "You don't start none, there won't be none?" Sounds like good advice to make sure the book fails. Then I discovered Marvel may be mining their archives for current storylines:

See, Captain America is dead (for the moment). One of the characters to pick up the shield? That's right, the Punisher. And here we are with What if The Punisher Became Captain America? from 1993. I wonder if that writer got any royalties. No? Oh, yeah. Work-for-hire contracts rock like that. In the end I advised her to take the box to a comic shop down near her place. There were some Batman books in there that might raise an eyebrow, but most of it was quarter box fodder. Even if the owner gives up twenty bucks for the whole box, he could come out ahead and the teacher has less clutter in the house. Pack it up and good luck. Worst. Appraiser. Ever. On a side note, I just had to give her a hard time for unwittingly bringing six of these into an elementary school:

I'm still trying to puzzle out the subliminal message behind the pearl necklace. I can see the smokes thrust in the player's face, but the pearls? What's Joe doing here, offering a woman a choice? Telling guys to give their lady a necklace and enjoy a smoke? Now with that mindset, take a closer look at the car. One's blowing a harmonica, and the other's slyly pointing at his crotch. Are they telling me I'll get a hummer if I smoke a Camel, or do I have to smoke a camel to get a smoke? Either ad people are weird or I need to get more sleep. I can't wait to see what comes my way next. I just know someone somewhere is dying to show me their old collection of Strawberry Shortcake comics. If I have to peel the pages apart, I will call the police.

In retrospect...

Mike — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 04:15:01 +0000

...it probably wasn't a good idea to tell the children they're just going to have to deal with the monsters in the room on their own because they broke their cow flashlight.

Blue Belt Karateka, White Belt Seamstress

Mike — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 17:08:09 +0000

Karate Tailor Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
I may have learned a lot of cool karate moves, but my sewing skills really need some work. Between my own impatience and my wife having more important things to do, I decided I best start learning to sew patches on my karate uniforms myself. I did a little bit of sewing back in junior high when I was stuck in home ec (I was told industrial arts/shop didn't fit in my schedule), but I don't remember a thing. So I did what any other fine upstanding young tech geek would do and I asked Google. Google pointed me to this WikiHow article. Nice. Is there anything the Internet can't tell you how to do? It can't teach you how to sew, apparently. The article is a good guide, but that doesn't mean your fingers work the right way. Tying a knot in clear thread is a lot harder than it looks, and is even harder when you get frustrated with the posted method and decide to outsmart the thread. I tried using a double knot, but all that did was give my wife a good laugh. When she calmed down, she showed me how to do it right. The stitching itself wasn't so bad. At least, not on my 6-ounce cotton student gi. My brand new, 14-ounce cotton Tokaido Arashi was another story. In pushing the needle through an overlapped seam and a patch, I discovered even the eye of the needle will punch through human flesh. That's when I decided to make a more concerted effort to puzzle out the use of the thimble. This was especially useful when I sewed on my last patch (my brand spanking new Assistant Instructor patch) on Sunday. The manufacturers, in their infinite wisdom, put a plastic coating on the back of the patch, presumably to keep it from coming apart. This also makes the patch stiffer, and thus harder to push a needle through. Stitch stitch stitch OW! Stitch stitch stitch OW! Stitch stitch stitch OW! Stich stitch... You get the idea. I thought a thicker needle might help, but the holes don't close so easily in the 14-ounce cotton, so the knot popped through. Back to the smaller needle, and I don't skewer myself on the eye again. I made it, though. And by some miracle, I didn't get one bloodstain on the gi. If I get voted into the school's SWAT Team after attending some Black Belt Club workouts, I'll get another patch. I can't decide if I'm looking forward to it or dreading it.

This Is Your Modern World

Mike — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 04:34:01 +0000

An Indian man claims to have a magical leg. Got a medical problem? Touch it and be healed. It even grants wishes to those in need! Why magic would be centered in one's leg is beyond me, but the sadder part is people believe the guy. A few men believed him enough, in fact, to chop off his leg and steal its power for themselves. It amazes me that people can still be this backward. Sadly, even people in modern societies are not exempt from the same stupidity and gullibility. Would you ever believe someone was a secret agent with the ability to task satellites to scan your body for medical defects and then dispatch stealth doctors to creep into your home and administer appropriate remedies while you were counting sheep? I sure wouldn't. Yet a Louisiana couple fleeced friends and neighbors out of nearly a million bucks using just that scam. These are the people I have difficulty summoning up sympathy for. I understand not everybody is tech savvy, but this scam is right up there with orbital mind control lasers and aluminum foil deflector beanies. I can understand people falling for real estate investment scams; those at least make some semblance of sense before the perp skips out with your cash. If you believe Norton Antivirus can protect you from avian flu, though, and you hand over wads of cash before doing your homework, then you've got it coming.

Almost Paradise

Mike — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 02:25:28 +0000

Gracie's Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
You know it's a bad sign when you ask a local "Where can I get a good Italian beef sandwich?" and they reply "You mean like an Arby's?" After I sent flowers to that guy's funeral, the Wife and I vowed to find a place that sold proper beef sandwiches, Vienna Beef hot dogs and Kronos gyros. We don't eat them frequently, but every so often you have to satisfy a craving and Portillo's is just too far away. There were several places touting their gyros, sure, but there's a simple test: if they don't have the shank on the spit, turn around and get the hell out of there. There's nothing so disappointing as ordering a gyro, only to have some lip ring-wearing piece of human filth hand you a few strips of pre-sliced meat warmed in the microwave and wrapped in a limp pita slathered with dog snot. Sometimes it's worth a shot at a sit-down family restaurant. If you're really lucky, the guy who owns the place is Greek (that's common around here, anyway), and the meat is actually cooked up on the grill. It's probably even spiced the right way, even if it does turn out a bit dry in the end. By the same token, none of the hot dog joints had the familiar Vienna Beef logo hanging on the wall. There are passable dogs, of course. A good restauranteur knows Oscar Meier just isn't going to cut it. Even worse, if they serve a certain horrible brand that shall remain nameless (once served by an eatery in Wilmington, Illinois), they'll be out of business in ten minutes. It's a rare dog indeed that can compare to the flavor and pop of a proper Vienna dog. Then there's the Italian beef, the most depressing of all disappointments. I soon discovered the first man I asked about Italian beef was not the norm, for a proper examination of the menu at the local pizza place (dubbed, in fact, The Pizza Place) showed they indeed carried Italian beef. I promptly ordered one that very night. Bah. Sliced roast beef with bland au jous, nothing more. Other menu claims came up similarly short, and I have taken to carrying a Sharpie to edit the menus of these establishments as I encounter them. The Wife and I resigned ourselves to the fact we were strangers in a strange land. If these people can't cook up a proper pizza (a subject for another post), how can they be expected to serve up proper Chicago-style eats? For over a year we had gyros only on the occasional visit to my in-laws' place, and I had Italian beef even less frequently on trips to the 'Burbs. Then the Wife took one of her adventure trips. When she's bored, she goes for a drive and explores yet-unseen avenues off our beaten paths. Thus it's by chance she discovered Gracie's Chicago Style Grille in Washington, IL, and the Kronos sign proudly hung in her front window. We visited it for the first time last night. Vienna Beef hot dogs? Check. Kronos gyros on a spit? Check. Italian beef? Check and double check for the presence of Italian sausage and the Italian combo. (No pizza puff, but this is more easily forgiven.) We chose to trust the Vienna Beef claims and ordered instead a gyro for the Wife and an Italian combo with hot peppers for myself. We hustled them home with as much speed as a winter storm would allow. The gyro was exactly as advertised, and it was good. The Italian combo... I guess we'll call it halfway to glorious. The Italian sausage was excellent, and I wouldn't hesitate to order it again. What's more, they served it up on a proper bun and may have put some garlic butter on the insides. The beef, unfortunately, was dry. There was a neat pile of it, and it was both hot and tasty, but there were no juices. Not even a spoonful. I could have wept. We will return to Gracie's, I have no doubt about that. I'm sure we'll try their hot dogs and their hamburgers, and explore the rest of the menu in time. The marinara sauce with our mozzarella sticks was good, which gives us hope for their pizza as well. When I order the combo, though, I will ask the grill man to dip it. And if he doesn't know what I'm talking about, I will teach him.

Muy Mal to Return on January 1st for a Limited Engagement

Mike — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 02:49:23 +0000

Muy Mal, the place for free fiction about very bad things, will return January 1, 2008 for a limited engagement. Originally conceived by authors Weston Ochse, Mike Oliveri and John Urbancik as a shared-world, online fiction universe, Muy Mal exploded through RSS readers and podcast clients on January 1, 2005, providing fans with more than 60,000 words of dark adventure culminating in a spectacular, end-of-the-world event called Cataclysm in February 2006. Since then each author has been concentrating on other projects. But a convergence of events has generated renewed interest in the stories and characters the authors left in fictional limbo. “I’ve had a host of comments wondering about Seeker,” says John Urbancik. “The fans loved the character, and frankly, I miss him. It’s time to bring him back and tie up some loose ends.” “I’ve also received emails asking me about the zombies and saints,” says Weston Ochse, author of the Chronicles of the Black Bishop story arc. “I left a very sympathetic character strapped to a windmill. I think I should figure out a way to get him down, you know?” Muy Mal (loosely translated as very bad in Spanish) was the brainchild of Mike Oliveri, author of the Asphalt and Alchemy story arc and the webmaster. “Muy Mal began as an experiment in online fiction delivery. Thanks to the power and flexibility of WordPress, the stories are accessible in a familiar, blog-like structure where each new chapter appears at the top of each writer's section.” Protected under the Creative Commons license, the authors want people to read the stories, download them, copy them, and give them to their neighbors; just as long as they’re read. So what exactly is Muy Mal? It's a world very much like our own, similar in time and place, but just about thirty degrees off reality. It is a world in which magic never ceased to exist; a world that is a very bad place. Is it horror? It's Muy Muy Horror! There might be magic and there might be fantastical creatures, but in the end everything is horror. Oliveri’s work has been described as Sam Spade meets Stephen King. Ochse’s stories have been described as Clive Barker meets Quentin Tarantino. Urbancik’s dark fiction has been described as Clive Cussler meets Neil Gaiman. More than just flattering, these comparisons highlight how horrific the stories are. “We’ll run until June 1, 2008, then call it quits,” says Oliveri. After that, they have other options. The Muy Mal Triumvirate has been approached by several publishers asking about a future book. El Cazador, part of Ochse’s Chronicles of the Black Bishop, has been looked at as a possible comic book. An independent movie producer has also queried the three about the possibility of a future project. “So far nothing’s certain other than June 1 will be the end of Muy Mal in its current incarnation,” says Urbancik. “As far as the future goes, we’ve made no promises to anyone. We’ll keep our options open.” Called ‘an exercise in innovative thinking,’ by Rue Morgue Magazine, all the stories have been archived and are available to read, download, and in some cases, hear. The authors urge readers to take the opportunity to read the back stories at www.muymal.com so they can be ready for the January 1 return.

"Let's put a smile on that face."

Mike — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 13:01:04 +0000

I was a little skeptical of Christopher Nolan's choice to cast Heath Ledger as the Joker in the next Batman flick. To me, it felt more like studio pressure than real casting. Then I watched the new Dark Knight trailer, and it removed all doubt. I guess I should have known to trust Nolan better after his handling of Batman Begins and his brilliant flicks Memento and The Prestige. I'm sure few expected the performance Nolan got out of Hugh Jackman in the latter.

Rockin' Pneumonia

Mike — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 05:32:18 +0000

Until this week, I thought only old guys got pneumonia. They go to the hospital, get cut on a bit, then develop pneumonia while their frail, whithered bodies are trying to recover. Then I got it myself at the buffet line. I was supposed to eat at a steakhouse Saturday night, so I opted for a lunch of soup, salad and fish off the buffet at a restaurant not far from here. In trying to make a healthy choice, I ran afoul of some miserable bastard who not only couldn't be bothered to keep his sick ass home, he had to go to a restaurant and put his germ-ridden hands all over someone else's food. "But Mike," you might be thinking, "maybe they didn't know they had it." Trust me, you know you're sick when this gets a grip on you. The aches and chills started Monday morning, and by Monday night the thermometer hit 101.9 degrees (that's Fahrenheit, of course) but I was so cold my teeth were chattering out the Morse code version of the short story I should have been working on. Tuesday morning brought on 102.9 and I felt like I hadn't had anything to drink for a week. I got out of bed and swore the Wife left a window open, so I threw a sweatshirt on over my t-shirt and crawled to the computer. Ten minutes later I ran shivering to bed and piled another blanket on top of the sheet, blanket, and comforter already there. Like I said, you know you're frickin' sick, and if you have half a brain in your head you know you don't go out and about when this stuff gets its hands on you, much less go around touching food someone else is going to eat. If there is any justice at all on this miserable planet, the guy who carried it to the restaurant coughed up a lung, choked on it, and died. When I hit 103.6 I realized it probably wasn't a good choice to catch up on the last five issues of Fall of Cthulhu. Talk about strange fever dreams... That night? Diarrhea. Yeah. It really weirded me out, too, until I realized the greenish hue probably came from the knock-off NyQuil I'd been sucking down like maple syrup. I thought if I mixed in some cherry cough syrup I could at least be festively sick, but the Wife disagreed. She also refused to assist in any way, shape or form with my mad experiments and stashed away all the kids' cough medicines. I threw in the towel on Wednesday and went to the doctor. The local guy's name is Dr. Stoecker, and I thought maybe it was a good omen that it's pronounced "Stoker." I filled out a half-inch thick stack of paperwork, then waited. And waited some more. Then I was escorted to a room where the nurse took my vitals and asked to wait for the doctor. So I waited. And waited some more. While I was waiting I got a phone call. This particular individual's assigned ringtone is the bagpipe portion of "Amazing Grace" as played by the Dropkick Murphys. I honestly thought I was at my own funeral for the first ten seconds, and a minute later I was still giggling like an idiot when the doctor walked in. This is what I get for deciding it would be a good idea to hold off on the ibuprofen so the doctor could get an accurate picture of my symptoms. In a more lucid moment later that day, I realized this is like refusing a tourniquet for a severed arm so the doctor can find the arteries. Dumbass. The doc prescribed some heavy-duty prescription cough syrup and set me up for some chest x-rays. I was rather disappointed to discover the cough syrup was clear. Later, during the x-rays, I refrained from making Bruce Banner jokes. The nurse wrangling the nuclear isotopes was rather hot, see, so I thought of two things:

Any nerdy comic book references from a chubby dude sweating steadily and radiating his excessive fever heat to a distance of five feet will probably have come off as significantly less than clever.
Hot young nurses aren't within the comic book demographic, so the joke would have been lost on her and will probably have come off as significantly less than clever.

Lose-lose situations mean keep your mouth shut. While I'm sure it would have been a great story to tell had I ripped off my shirt and screamed "Hulk smash!" in the middle of the radiology department, I'm sure mace would not have contributed in any positive way to my pneumonia. That night I looked at the side effects for my two new drugs. In the left hand, diarrhea. In the right, constipation. Safe! Then I read a later section in the pamphlet that came with the antibiotic, a section labeled PRECAUTIONS:

General: Quinolones may cause central nervous system (CNS) events, including: nervousness, agitation, insomnia, anxiety, nightmares, or paranoia.

And I have seven more doses to go. This Christmas is going to rock! I'll give the antibiotic credit, though -- it knocked the fever out yesterday. By that evening I was ready to eat again, and today I was back at work. Not that it did a lot of good; we had early dismissal today and the two-week winter break starts Monday. I guess I just have to wait at home for the nightmares and paranoia to kick in. I asked the Wife if she noticed any anxiety or agitation in me yet. "Oh, yeah," she said. "It started about eleven years ago."

Coolest Toy Cars EVER

Mike — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 02:43:27 +0000

I'd never heard of Darda cars before the boys opened their gift from their aunt and uncle, but we killed most of the day reconfiguring the track to see what new feats the cars could accomplish. I was skeptical when I saw all the loops on the box. The standard die-cast brands have the same thing, and they rarely work as advertised; the tracks don't hold together, you need a launcher or a long, high track to get started, and the heavy cars and their plastic wheels don't have any grip. When I found out you just draw the cars back to wind up the motors, I grew even more skeptical. My brother-in-law assured me they worked well, though. He used to own a set as a kid in Germany, so I helped assemble the track according to the instructions. We wound up the cars, placed them in their starting lanes, and hit the green start button. The cars took off and zipped through the loops with ease. We ran them through several more times after I picked my jaw up off the floor. Darda cars are lighter than die-cast cars, and I suspect the claim "world's fastest motorized cars" on the box would be hard to disprove. They have rubber tires for grip and the plastic bodies have already taken plenty of abuse from the boys with no ill effect. The instructions claim the motors can't be overwound, unlike just about every other car that you pull back to wind up. Similarly, the tracks are sturdy yet flexible. The plastic joints hold tight, and the plastic bases are heavy enough to keep the loops in place and in shape. The tracks even have ribbed tire tracks to give the cars extra traction. The included track patterns only include 3 loops per car, so we thought a better test was in order. I first put all the loops together for a total of six turns, then connected the entrance and exit with a circuit about five feet around. Both cars went through all six loops with no trouble, and still had enough energy to overlap their starting position by about a foot. Try that with your standard die-cast sets! The boys and I are already looking forward to picking up more cars and more track accessories. The company also makes motors that don't automatically take off when released, which will make them easier for the boys to handle. If any dads out there are looking for tracks for their kids, track down Darda tracks. These things rock.

Christmas... Meh.

Mike — Tue, 25 Dec 2007 03:55:07 +0000

I've come to a compromise with the holidays: I'm still not a big fan, but it is cool to experience it through my kids. Someone once asked if I felt guilty letting the kids believe Santa exists. I thought about it for a second or two, and realized no, I don't. If I'm okay with convincing them zombies exist and that the Krampus will come if they don't stop fighting on Christmas Eve, I shouldn't have any problem letting them believe a fat man in a red suit is breaking into the house and leaving gifts under a tree. The Midget is at just the right age this year. He has no reason to disbelieve Santa yet, nor has he quite started reasoning out the details like how Santa gets in the house since we don't have a chimney. Yet he insisted on laying out the milk and cookies for Santa himself, and he wanted us to leave a light on to make sure Santa could find them. At the end of the night he hustled his brother off to bed to make sure they'd both be asleep so Santa will come. That innocence and sense of wonder is something to behold. It makes it easy to forget the grasping and clawing holiday crowds and the false faces they put on for the one time of year they feel obligated to be good. It's a special thing so far behind me that I couldn't even begin to feel what the Midget must feel when he comes downstairs in the morning and sees the pile of gifts waiting for him. Maybe I should think about that the next time I tell him the scratchy noise out front is the monster trying to find a way into the house. :)

They Call Me Wheezy

Mike — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 04:31:21 +0000

The worst of my pneumonia passed in time for the holidays, but I'm still feeling its effects in my lungs. I'm going to have to ask the doc why. The megadose of antibiotics made short work of the fever, and I'm on a ten-day course of the stuff (last pill tomorrow). The bacteria should be good and dead by now, so I can't imagine my lungs are still filling up with muck. For that matter, I thought I'd be coughing up a lot of muck but it hasn't happened. Twice I got a little strand of something reminiscent of lo mein noodle, but no great blobs of red or pink goo one might otherwise associate with a lung problem. Instead I've got some kind of bronchial irritation. Maybe it's due to the coughing last week, maybe not. Maybe a bunch of the alveoli in my lungs croaked from the bacteria and/or flood of mucus. All I know for sure is I cough if I take too deep a breath and I get winded fairly easily. And that's not exactly conducive to a karate workout. I returned to class on Saturday. We worked some wazas, specifically on a speed form. Do enough of them and you get a good cardio workout. Or, in my case, you start hacking and wheezing between drills. I kept up, but one of my classmates thought I was going to pass out. My technique was a mess, too. One week between classes and I felt like a rookie again. My body remembered, but I kept overthinking things and ran into trouble. Tonight was only marginally better. I ran my katas last night and that still wore me out. I felt a lot better about my techniques, though, and that continued to tonight. Unfortunately I still got good and tired running wazas again, and I had to resist the urge to beg off the mat for a drink of water. My three sparring matches went a little better, if only because my opponents and I score points quick and never go the full two minutes. The long and the short of it is pneumonia sucks. If you're at all active, stay away from buffet lines and salad bars this winter. And if you're sick, stay the hell home!

Wheezy No More

Mike — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 04:19:32 +0000

Feeling much better now. Karate class went well yesterday, and at the moment I'm taking a break from a last-ditch workout in hopes of hitting this month's weight goal tomorrow morning. The burn and wheeze is gone from my chest, and while I'm feeling a bit winded after the first half hour tonight, I'm not sure I'm any more winded than usual. Now that I've gotten over my pneumonia, I found out my aunt has developed it. She's not in the best of health as is, so they've got her hooked up to oxygen in an intensive care unit. We're told she's responding to treatment, but it's a strong demonstration of the difference good health in general can make when an illness hits. I feel fortunate that I've managed to get off my ass and do something about my own health this year. Tomorrow's a big and busy day. Time to finish this workout and then get some rest.

Down Vendetta Road: The Story So Far

Mike — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 01:00:00 +0000

The Muy Mal relaunch is imminent! Because I've left Down Vendetta Road hanging for so long, I thought it might be a good idea to post a complete collection of the first nine episodes (thanks to Tod for the suggestion). If you'd like to read it, just follow this link: Down Vendetta Road: The Story So Far This is a chance for current readers to get caught up again as well as a good jumping-on point for those of you who haven't read any of the Asphalt & Alchemy tales (or any of the Muy Mal works, for that matter) yet. While I'm at it, I'd like to give a big thanks to Russ Dickerson, the official artist for Muy Mal. Russ really went out of his way to change the look of the site for the relaunch, and we think he did a fantastic job. Thanks again, Russ! You da man!

2007: Year in Review

Mike — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 03:29:34 +0000

If someone were to ask me how this year went, my first reaction would be to call it a write-off. Then I got to thinking about it, and it actually hasn't been so bad after all. Let's look back, shall we? I started the year by selling the German rights to Deadliest of the Species to publisher Otherworld Verlag. The book was pitched to retailers this month, and it will see publication early next year under the title Das Tödliche Geschlecht. I followed that up over the summer with another book sale which I'm still asked to keep under my hat. Restore from Backup, my novella collaboration with JF Gonzalez, was released from Bad Moon Books. The hardcovers sold out on preorder, but you can still get copies of the trade paperback. Moonstone Books published The Phantom Chronicles, a prose anthology of Phantom tales including my short story "The Servants of Set". Moonstone is also the publisher of my comic book Werewolves: Call of the Wild. I received word today that In Delirium II is shipping. This anthology includes a reprint of "Crazy for You" by myself and Brian Keene. This story previously appeared in Crime Spree. The book doesn't appear to be listed on the Horror Mall yet, but I imagine it will be up for order soon. Finally, I attended two comic cons -- one large and one small -- and did signings at two comic shops. I sold enough comics to pay for the trip at the small comic con, and I was well satisfied with the results of the large con and the signings. I also had fun, and probably picked up a few new fans to boot. I'd like to have accomplished more, of course, but I don't feel I should be complaining. In personal news, I joined the Academy of Okinawan Karate in March and started studying Shuri-ryu, a style of karate. I climbed the ranks from white belt through yellow and to blue belt, and I've learned a lot of cool things. Between classes and home exercise, I've managed to lose 30 pounds and I feel better than I have in years. I'd have to say that's the best accomplishment of the year. My class and workout schedule may have put a dent in my writing productivity, but I feel like my health improvements will keep me writing for years to come. I joined an active Flickr photo group called 52 Weeks, where users post a picture a week for a year. I did fine for a while, but the last few months I've fallen way behind. I would like to have posted an honest week 1 and week 52 pic right now, but it'll have to be off a little bit. You can, however, see my contributions so far right here. Finally, I expanded my computing horizons by picking up a MacBook at work. I'm sure I'll be talking more about it in the future (and I'm writing this post on it now), but this gets me closer to being a triple threat in desktop computing. There are a few things I wish I'd accomplished or wish I'd done better, but hey, that's what next year is for. Overall, I'm content to call 2007 a win. Onward and upward.

cemetery-header.jpg

Mike — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 07:27:46 +0000

http://www.mikeoliveri.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/cemetery-header.jpg

2008: The Year to Come

Mike — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 01:29:03 +0000

It's been an interesting start to the year already, but there's a lot on the horizon. For starters, Muy Mal is officially back, complete with a rockin' new look provided by Russ Dickerson. John and Weston have already posted their first contributions and mine won't be far behind. I'll be wrapping up Down Vendetta Road and sometime this Spring I'll tackle the next volume of Bastard Precinct. Our plan is to tie up all the loose ends on the site by June. As I mentioned yesterday, I've got two book releases due. The German edition of Deadliest of the Species, Das Tödliche Geschlecht, will be released soon, and I'm writing a novella to go on the back of a second book that I'll be able to announce soon. I've signed the signature sheets for both In Laymon's Terms and Brimstone Turnpike, so we should finally see them on the market. It's been so long for both of them that I'm a little worried they will no longer be representative of my current writing style (especially In Laymon's Terms), but that's just part of the business. I dug around, and it turns out I was hoping to see the release of both books at least three years ago. Argh. ILT contains a short story and Brimstone has a novella. I actually made progress on the To Fight With Monsters front, completing To Confront the Enemy over the fall. To Rise from the Ashes is next, and the whole package will go to a publisher as soon as possible. There's a spark of interest in Powerless, which I've decided will be my next novel. I've written two other novels since Deadliest, but I'm really not happy with either and they'd just about have to be rewritten from the ground up. Given I'm more excited about Powerless and it needs the same amount of work, I may as well pour my concentration into it. At the moment, all I've written on it so far is printed and waiting for me to edit and reintroduce myself to. There's at least one chapter that will be excised, one that will be chopped in half, and then I need to tweak the location and geography throughout. Last week I sat down with a publisher and discussed several things. It's too early to announce anything, but we had a great conversation and we'll be getting together again soon. Our conversation includes Wounded Gods and at least one other project which I'll slap with the working title The Shattered Man. I'm excited about the direction we're headed in, and if it continues I'll be talking a lot more about these projects soon. That's only the projects already lined up, of course. The next step is to build toward the future, to put together some more sales and make sure 2009 will look as promising as 2008 does. On a personal note, I'll be continuing my karate training. If I work hard, I could (and should) be a purple belt by the end of the year, which is two ranks from my current blue belt. I'm also going to try to attend more kendo classes at my school, and I may even explore aikido in the fall if a local community college continues to offer it. I've officially changed the Fatty post category to Fitness. I think losing 30 pounds last year has earned me that much. This year I'm setting a smaller goal to cut 20 more. When the weather warms up, I'm going to try to motivate myself to try the Couch-to-5K-Running Plan. It's a long shot because I hate running, but I'm realizing it's the best way to both cut weight and improve cardiovascular health. I'm trying to think of it as a good way to improve my endurance for karate class and sparring matches, too. I'm going to try -- again -- to do more with my camera. I consider myself an amateur photographer at best, but I really do enjoy taking and sharing pictures. I've still got a lot to learn about digital post-processing, so that's one of the areas I'll concentrate on this year. It's also high time I start saving up for a good DSLR camera and dump my aging, point-and-shoot PowerShot G2. If I get active enough I'll start a Photography category on this blog. That about covers it. I'd say it's more than enough to keep me busy this year, too.

New DVR Live At Last

Mike — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 14:33:41 +0000

I finally got around to posting the latest episode of Down Vendetta Road to Muy Mal from the road this morning. You can find episode 10, "Conversation Starter", right here. It's a good thing my wife let me write in the car, or this might have been delayed until next week. I'm looking forward to things settling down soon, so I can get some consistency rolling for the next few episodes. Look for episode 11 by the end of the month.

Just Buy The Damned Comic

Mike — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 03:09:48 +0000

It would appear the new The Damned mini series is available for preorder. Wicked cool. My comic shop has my subscription down already. How about you? Cullen and Brian really don't need me to pimp their books for them; The Damned kicks all form of ass and pretty much sells itself. Hell, the first series even optioned to Dreamworks. So don't consider this pimping, call it making sure you're aware you can get your hot little hands on the book in two months. Order today. You won't regret it.

Wulf & Batsy

Mike — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 03:49:25 +0000

As long as I'm pimping comics, another friend of mine is releasing a comic in February. Artist Bryan Baugh is putting out his solo project, Wulf & Batsy, about a vampire and a werewolf. Bryan and I were working on a project together, but between his work for Disney Animation and Wulf & Batsy, and all the juggling I've been doing with my own projects, we've back-burnered it for the time being. Bryan's got an old-school sensibility when it comes to horror, and he loves drawing the pulpy stuff and pinups. Browse through his gallery and you'll get a good feel for what he's about. Then tell your comic shop you need Wulf & Batsy.

Writing on the Road

Mike — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 04:45:11 +0000

Road Warrior Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Circumstances aside, I often welcome the chance to write on the road. At home, I'm surrounded by distractions. If I feel like procrastinating, there are home projects to be done: seal off the attic fan, bag & board the last several months' worth of comics, or clean out the utility room. If I'm feeling lazy, there's the tube and a stack of DVD's I haven't watched yet. Then of course there's the rugrats and the pets. On the road, there's little else to do with my downtime. I take care of the travel business and then I'm either in a car or in a hotel room. On this particular trip there were no real sites to see, and even if there were I was far too tired to get out and see them. So I fire up the laptop, log on to the free wireless, and go to town. Tap-tap-tapity-tap until I'm too tired to move my fingers. Edit and post in the morning, and back to trip business. The car's a nice place to write, too. We had an hour to the kid drop-off site, and then three hours to our destination. I conned the wife into driving that second leg, propped the laptop on its namesake anatomy, and went to town. Trips go so much faster when you lose yourself in your writing. You don't even notice the radio, which can be helpful when the wife's in the mood for country music. If I could have left my internal editor home and just let the fingers fly unrestrained, I'd probably have gotten even more done. Hmm. Maybe I need another vacation.

Year of the To-Do List

Mike — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 17:52:51 +0000

About a month ago, I started putting together a to-do list at work. It sits neatly on my Palm and became a good reminder of all the little crap I needed to do when I finished a major product and couldn't remember what I should be doing next. It also goes a long way to correcting (ruining?) that feeling of not having anything to do when you're sitting in front of the computer refreshing Google News every five minutes. It worked so well that a week later I set up a to-do list for my writing in my Moleskine. The notebook is with me all the time (unlike the Palm), it keeps my job work and writing work separate, and it's faster than flipping through all my notes (or the index I adopted over the summer) to see what I've got cooking when my mind goes blank. The only problem is these lists look rather daunting at first. I wrote my to-do list on a right-hand page near the back of the Moleskine, thinking I'd have plenty of room. Wrong! I filled it up in about two minutes and if I add anything more I'll be overflowing to the left page. Why is it so easy to forget how busy I really am? I've long thought organization is a big part of my problem. I'm just scatterbrained by nature. I obsess about new tasks and forget old ones. I'm lucky if I'll be able to finish this blog post if something shiny catches my eye while I'm working on it. I looked into the Getting Things Done (GTD) system, but I don't want to make this a religion, nor do I want to spend time learning (and obsessing over) a whole new system. Just cursory looks at some of the GTD-oriented software was enough to realize I'm not near anal enough for GTD. A simple to-do list I can handle. Everyone knows how a to-do list works: you make a list and cross things off as you accomplish them. But it turns out there's a little bit of art to it, too, as shown in this Lifehack article. Most of it is just tips on handling your to-do list and how to make sure you don't just put it aside and start another one the next time you're feeling overwhelmed. Yes, a lot of it is common sense. But think about it: how much of it do you actually do? I don't know that something as simple as a to-do list will make 2008 my "best year ever," but it's a start.

A Year in Pictures

Mike — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 20:00:34 +0000

What a difference a year makes. Despite falling behind on my 52 Weeks Flickr group contributions, I now have an entire year's worth of self portraits in my 52 Weeks set. Sure, I've got 8 more to post, but time-wise there's a year in there and it's neat looking back and seeing if things have changed at all. For example, there was my beardless phase, which I recently abandoned: Not to mention the time I busted my head in Pennsylvania: Yeah, good times. I can also play the then-and-now game. The following picture was taken in March, shortly after I joined the Academy of Okinawan Karate: Compare it to the picture I took just last night: Higher rank, better gi, looking a little leaner... not too shabby. A year goes by quick, but as we're experiencing it, we don't always see the big changes. I'm glad I participated. It's kind of a pain to remember to take the pics and keep on top of dumping the pics to the computer and then uploading them to Flickr, but I'm tempted to do it again this year. I really don't know how the 365 Days folks do it, though. I'd almost have to cop out and use cell phone pics to post directly to Flickr. I'm sure my cellular provider would love me for that...

Where Are the Vista Apologists?

Mike — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 07:15:21 +0000

Brooding Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
I've become more and more impressed with the MacBook I've been evaluating. Between reader comments and the things an Apple rep has showed me, I'm starting to really see the appeal of OS X. The much-touted ease of use is really there. With no more instruction than "click here and here," my son has fallen in love with PhotoBooth. The picture above is one of many he took while playing around, and he often asks me if he can play with the MacBook. I'm looking forward to showing him the Comic Life demo I downloaded. I'll be talking more about my MacBook experiences in the future, but for now I have to wonder, where are the Vista apologists? I write a single post about my Mac experiences, and I'm swamped with comments and traffic spikes. There was no zealotry, just helpful advice and encouraging words. Meanwhile I've slagged Windows, especially Vista, several times, and there's hardly a peep from my readership. I'm on an email list for Illinois technology educators that has hundreds of members, and there's a lot of talk about Vista headaches ranging from poor printer and hardware support to it being a massive resource hog. There are a few people who claim to like it, but they're more interested in some of the administrative or security tools than anything a user might get excited about. Or, if they do like Vista in general, they have either turned off several features or they just accept the system's quirks. I read a column recently (I wish I could find it) that made a great point: Mac users love their systems. Windows users, meanwhile, just grit their teeth and reboot. This is why guys like John Roling, a former Windows power user, suddenly become Mac enthusiasts. This is why guys like me start exploring other options like Linux, and are willing to at least entertain the notion of purchasing a Mac. This is why Dell and IBM are forced to offer XP as an option on their systems, and Vista was only installed on 39% of all PCs sold last year. This is why Best Buy is doubling the number of stores stocking Mac products this month. The only thing the Windows, Mac and Linux camps can agree on is DRM and proprietary multimedia formats suck. In the meantime, I ask again, where are the Vista apologists? If you're out there, speak up!

They Just Don't Get It

Mike — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 17:57:46 +0000

I'm really, really glad I only have one car to pump gas into. Bush is headed out to Saudi Arabia to beg King Abdullah to reduce oil prices because the US economy is suffering. What makes him think Abdullah -- or any of the sheiks or princes, for that matter -- is going to give a flying dog turd what's happening in the US? These guys live in ultimate luxury, surrounded by yachts and Rolls Royces, while right across the street their own people live in abject squalor. If they're more interested in pouring their own money into making the Burj Dubai higher and higher than they are in improving their own country, they sure as hell aren't going to sweat US unemployment rates or the mortgage crisis. Meanwhile, a Congressional commission wants to increase gasoline taxes to pay for our aging highway infrastructure, including crumbling bridges. So while Bush is off pissing up a rope, Congress has a panel asking them to make things even worse. Increasing the tax by 40 cents across five years doesn't sound like a lot of money, but think about that for a minute: gas down the street from me was $3.07 per gallon last I checked. That means in five years it will be a minimum of $3.47, or a 13% increase. That, of course, is without inflation, speculation, conditions in the Middle East, etc., etc., etc., not pushing the per-barrel pricing up from where it is now (and it seems like every month it's breaking record highs. The article also discusses putting money into the rail infrastructure. That too makes a certain amount of sense, but it's really only practical for people living in the city and the suburbs. While I was unemployed in 2005, I was exploring several job opportunities in downtown Chicago because I could jump on Metra for a reasonable rate; even if it did cost me a little more than gas, it saved time, frustration and wear & tear on the car. I could even have called it a bonus by bringing along a laptop to get some writing done. But out here in the boonies, we're not so lucky. Let's say I want to visit Cullen Bunn in St Louis this weekend. If I drive, it would cost me about $52 in gas. If I take the Amtrak, it would only cost me $36 round trip. However, I would need a ride to the train station about 30 miles away. If my wife drops me off and picks me up with our van, that's 120 miles for two round trips, which works out to a little under $20 in gas. We break even financially, and even the convenience of writing on the train ride is negated by having to arrange rides on both sides of the trip. (Incidentally, if I bring the whole family, the train ticket price jumps to $90 plus probably parking costs, making the van the clear winner in that scenario.) Unless the ticket prices get more attractive than gas prices, people (out here) aren't going to see an advantage in train travel. Even putting ticket pricing aside, we don't have rail access like the city does. I was once chided by a city dweller for not using my bike or public transportation for day trips. He just couldn't wrap his head around the fact that I lived in the middle of a cornfield and we have no train stations, and a five-minute bike ride isn't going to get me past the cornfield, much less into the city. Building the infrastructure out to us would cost a fortune, which would in turn raise ticket prices, making the train even less an incentive than before. The car companies tease us with electric cars, but they tell us they don't make them because we don't buy them. How can we buy what's not there? Not to mention we just shift our spending from gas to the electric bill. That's the whole reason I got my motorcycle license last summer: between better mileage and the availability of affordable bikes, they're cheaper all around to operate (presuming I don't get my ass run over riding it). I guess the short answer is solving this problem is going to take some innovative thinking. (Or maybe Jimmy Carter has what we need.) Unfortunately that's something our government representatives have in very short supply.

Take Another Hit, Frankie!

Mike — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:38:31 +0000

Li'l Frank Booth Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Poor Squirt. The doc put him on a nebulizer to treat a respiratory infection, so he gets to wear this mask three times a day. Of course, the first thing I thought of was Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet. I tried to get him to say "I can hear your freakin' radio you silly guy!" but he wasn't much interested. Though I do wish I had my camera handy when he was wearing it and simultaneously having a gunfight with his brother. I keep telling him "Take another hit, Frankie!" Fortunately the Wife hasn't seen Blue Velvet and has no idea what I'm talking about.

The Advantage in Being Proprietary

Mike — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 20:49:43 +0000

My Apple rep, Joe, was in my office as I was packing up at the end of the day. I leaned over to my MacBook, clicked the Apple icon, and clicked Shut Down. "Did you just shut down your MacBook?" Joe asked. He gave me the same look one might give someone who had just shoved a live viper down the front of their pants. It dawned on me in that instant how PC laptops had reinforced bad habits. There was no reason to shut down the MacBook because I was going to open it right back up when I got home in ten minutes. Joe had taken his laptop out twice during his visit, and each time opened and closed it without a hitch. I've opened and closed m MacBook several times, also without a hitch. In fact, I haven't shut down the MacBook since, and it's been eight days. You can't get that with Windows or Linux. Linux has the uptime, but sleep and hibernation are iffy at best. I never got it to run on my old Dell with a few different Linux distros, and I eventually gave up on trying. On Windows, you may get that kind of uptime out of a server, but on a workstation chances are you'll have needed to reboot for one reason or another. Sleep and hibernation are at least supported, but when it does work it takes some time to shift into sleep mode and then to wake up again, and even then you may experience problems. For example, we have two shiny new Lenovo ThinkPads at the school, and when they come out of suspend mode they lose their keyboard (it's especially problematic on a docking station). I have another Dell at work that's only a few years old, and its suspend gives me fits at times as well. On a Windows machine, don't even think about interrupting the suspend/wakeup process, because you'll have problems. Close the lid on accident, realize you forgot something, and open it up again, and you pretty much freeze up the whole system. My wife's uncle bought a brand new Dell XPS laptop and it took him three power-down and -up cycles before he finally got Windows to work again. Finally, even when it does cooperate, you're looking at (I'm guesstimating based on previous experience) between 10 and 20 seconds before the system is actually usable. On this MacBook, meanwhile, opening and closing the lid has been flawless, and damn near instantaneous. Close the lid and it's suspended. Open it and it's up and running in about a second. Count the time it takes to reassociate with a wireless network and you're looking at 2-3 seconds, tops. But that's okay, because you can start fiddling with apps. I had to write an email this morning, so I sat down and opened the lid. By the time my finger hit the touchpad, the MacBook was ready for me. I wondered how that could be. Are Apple developers just that much better than Windows or Linux developers, or is there some advantage they have? It occurred to me that being proprietary may be all the advantage they need. Whether you're talking Windows or Linux, there are a plethora of machines they can be installed on with a wide-ranging set of features and hardware, each of which require their own drivers. It's further compounded by the manufacturers handling different features in different ways. In the Windows world, we have a closed-closed relationship. The hardware manufacturers are all protecting their hardware and software, and Windows is protecting their operating system. Windows only shares the Application Programmer's Interface (API) with the hardware people, essentially telling them "this is how you talk to Windows." If there are bugs and problems, it's on the hardware manufacturer to figure it out, and the end users have to sit and hope the two sides can work things out. In the Linux world, we have a closed-open relationship. Few hardware manufacturers are writing Linux drivers, but the Linux programmers have the advantage of full access to the Linux kernel and its drivers. They have a better chance of figuring things out, but the user still either has to code up a solution himself or hope a geek out there has the same problems and publishes a driver. The good news is this has drastically improved over the past few years with more companies like Canonical getting into the game, and partnerships between companies like Canonical and Dell are a big help, but there's still a little ways to go. The Apple guys, meanwhile, know exactly what the hardware is going to be. Their engineers and programmers all talk to one another and share information, so by the time the end user gets his hands on the product, everything Just Works. (Generally. I realize Macs are not 100% bulletproof.) The advantage goes to Apple. By the same token, this is probably why the Xbox works so much better than Windows, despite their both being Microsoft products. The Xbox crew knows exactly what's in the hardware and how to talk to it, so the Xbox operating system is rock solid. (Again, generally speaking.) Which leads to the next problem: cost. I think I'll save that rant for another post, though.

The Blair Witch Monster

Mike — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 21:08:25 +0000

If I had known the entire movie was going to be shot through a hand-held camera like Blair Witch Project, I might have held off on seeing Cloverfield until it hit cable rather than plunking down nine bucks at the theater. The plot is simple: five twenty-something New Yorkers are trying to rescue a friend in Manhattan in the midst of a giant monster's rampage through the city. They happen to be carrying a camera, and it is through this camera that the entire flick is shot. The plot isn't terrible, and the characters are a lot more interesting than the Blair Witch characters, but the first-person business gets real old, real quick for me. If you hated Blair Witch, you will probably be just as frustrated with Cloverfield. At this point, if you haven't seen the flick and you want to avoid spoilers, then stop reading. Maybe you can check out some great artwork instead. I completely understand what JJ Abrams and director Matt Reeves were trying to accomplish with the way the flick is told and shot, so anyone wanting to defend the flick by telling me "you don't get it, Mike!" can just save the keystrokes. My beef with these flicks is the way they go out of their way to make the film look poorly shot. For example, during an action sequence, the last thing I want to see is long segments of running feet or spinning kaleidoscopes of blurry light. Why couldn't the flick be shot by embedded journalists? Why not an experienced camera man and a quick-thinking reporter interviewing refugees and soldiers they encounter rather than a pinhead amateur? This was made particularly obvious when the characters go into an electronics store and the guy with the camera points it at a television and we get to watch the news with him for a few moments. Instead of making a big-budget Blair Witch, why not cobbling together disparate news sources and amateur video to tell the larger tale? Then, of course, the flick would be about the monster, not the love story between the leader of the group and his girlfriend trapped in a fallen building on the other side of the city. Again, compelling characters, and there are some great touches such as when Mom calls the main character. However, if I'm going to a monster movie, I'd like to see more than just two seconds at a time of said monster. They try to make up for this with a shot at the end, but it's so obviously CGI and cheesy that I felt like I was watching Disney's Dinosaur rather than a monster movie. If you hate loose ends, especially the loose ends Abrams leaves us with on Lost, you'll have another reason to hate Cloverfield. It makes sense not to share the monster's origin in the movie because the characters have neither the time nor the resources to figure this out (determined folks can pick up clues at the Slusho website and by following its links), but it's the rest of the things that go unresolved that bother me. First, one character gets on a chopper and is whisked away. Did they make it or not? Is there any reason they couldn't be telling us the story? Or that this character couldn't be used in a sort of epilogue as they're debriefed by the military? Second, another character is dragged away by the military and quarantined. We get a spray of blood and the camera's gone. What happened? Did something come out of this character, like a chestburster from Alien? Did some pustule explode? Did the doctor cut the character open in emergency surgery? Last and most disconcerting is we don't even know what becomes of the monster itself. We see it shrugging off gunfire, rockets, missiles, tank rounds, and even carpet bombing. How are we supposed to know if the grand finale finished it off? I'm okay with open endings in general, but you've got to give me some indication that there was a resolution. It was for this reason alone that most of the folks in our theater walked out grumbling. One person yelled "That's it?" when the credits rolled, and someone an aisle or two ahead of me leaned over to a friend and said "What a ripoff." Several of us stayed through the credits, hoping there would be some teaser or alternate ending or something a the end, but no joy. Again, yes, I understand the monster is not the point of the movie, and we do get resolution with the main chracters. Unfortunately I expected a lot more from the flick, so it just isn't for me. I suspect it's going to be a case of love or hate for most viewers. If you can live with all that, by all means, get thee to the theater. Despite some hokey moments, I was fine with the plot and characters. If you want a monster movie and hate all the loose ends, save your money.

Demon Alcohol

Mike — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 22:32:30 +0000

Death on the Rocks Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Decades of alcohol abuse killed someone in my family, and that was more or less where the inspiration for this photo came from. I made it a self portrait for the 52 Weeks group on Flickr because it's not hard to spot the pattern of addiction in my family. Based on some of my own behaviors I wouldn't be surprised if the genetic predisposition runs strong in my DNA. I didn't intend this to be preachy or heavy-handed, I just thought it would be a cool pic to try. I made a black-and-white version of it, too, which can be seen here. I've got a few nits with it, but in general I'm pretty happy with it. I'm still going back and forth on whether or not I want to attempt another run of 52 Weeks photos. I'm hoping to pick up a DSLR camera by Spring, and it occurs to me that may be a reason to try again. Not just because I'll be excited about the new camera (which will make me want to use it more often) but because I can find out if a DSLR really can make a difference in the quality of my photography (the theory here is the broader capabilities enhance creativity). It would be a fun experiment to compare my first 52 Weeks with my second. I've got seven more pics for my first round, so I've got plenty of time to make a decision. In the meantime, I'm hoping Canon really does announce a successor to the Digital Rebel XTi later this month. Buying a current model might be cheaper, but if predictions are accurate, LiveView would be easier for the Wife to use and a movie feature might be handy at times.

News of the Web

Mike — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 17:58:45 +0000

So much to blog, so little time. Here's a couple quick hits: Congrats to Automattic, creators of the bestest blog software on the planet (WordPress), for landing $29 million in funding. Not too shabby for a product that's being given away for free. And they say Open Source doesn't work. Ha! Version 2.5 already sounds delicious. A man got through a TSA checkpoint in an airport, realized he still had his gun on him, and went back to report it. The TSA goon squad promptly arrested him. Lesson learned? If this happens to you, keep your mouth shut. They suspended the screener who let the man through for the investigation, but I don't understand why the man's arrest was bigger news than the TSA failure. Yes, he tried to make good on his mistake. But look at it this way: in some states it is legal to carry a firearm, but illegal to carry that firearm onto school grounds. If I were legal to carry and walked into work with my gun, I'm sure I'd be arrested whether or not I told the principal "oops!" ahead of time. A mysterious blob is clogging sewer drains in Maine (found via Boing Boing). Maybe it's The Stuff. Run for your lives, Mainers!

Drinking the Apple Kool-Aid

Mike — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 07:14:10 +0000

One of the Apple execs I met yesterday made a good statement about their products: you don't get it until you try it. Apple users extol the virtues of their OS all the time. Three of my friends, including (former) die-hard PC user John Roling, have switched to Mac and vow to never go back. A school in Indianapolis employing a 1-to-1 initiative dropped their PC laptops in favor of MacBooks and couldn't be happier. A Minneapolis-area school switched their 8 buildings from PC to Mac and offered to load Windows for anyone who wanted it; not one teacher requested it. The rest of us ask "It costs how much?" The MacBook I purchased in December was my first real experience with a Mac, and it's been growing on me ever since. Wednesday, on the way up to Chicago for our Apple briefing, my superintendent and I stopped off at the New Lenox School District 122. A teacher showed us how she used Macs, and I picked the tech coordinator's brain about the back end. Both of them couldn't be any happier with their Macs, and the downside on the back end is far from a deal-breaker. That night, we hit the Apple Store on Michigan Avenue. I played with an iPod Touch. I fiddled with an iPhone, then browsed the MacBooks, Apple TV, and the iMacs. I chatted with the sales reps, and I damn near came home with an iPod Touch for the Wife. Yesterday we sat in on the briefing, learned about Apple's sales and growth, and got a lot of hands-on experience. We created a podcast in Garage Band in minutes (complete with pictures), and fiddled with a lot of the features that would really help in an educational setting, such as the built-in Dictionary and the Speech text-to-speech engine. We even got to see a lot of the thoughtful extras, like Webclips. We drove home stunned. Sure, I still have a few beefs. The closed nature of some of their products, for starters (the iPod Touch may be open to more developers soon, but the iPhone will be AT&T-only for some time). The lock-in to iTunes. The lack of true GPS on the iPhone and the Touch (every time someone tried to show me the triangulation feature, it failed or at least failed to build directions off of it). The way the Nike+iPod is restricted to the iPod Nano. And, of course, the price tag. Yet it's hard to argue with the value. Like people say, most of this stuff is just cool to use. Apple has put a lot of thought into the layout and design of both the hardware and the software, and I've heard nothing but good things about the system's stability. OS X is loaded with features you just don't get on Windows (or at the very least aren't as polished in Windows), and the iPhone and Touch interfaces are an order of magnitude better than the Palm's (there's no stylus to lose, either). The Wife scoffed when I told her I almost brought home a Touch for her. She had been looking at one of those credit card-sized photo viewers to show pictures to people, and she carries a calendar and address book in her purse. The Touch would fill all those functions and then some, saving her space in her purse and give her a much better screen and interface to boot. When I got home, I sat her down in front of my MacBook and gave her a tour of the Touch on Apple's site. Sure enough, she's impressed and looks forward to getting one in the near future. Even tonight, despite my irritation in being forced to purchase an iPod Nano if I want to use the Nike+iPod gear when I try the Cool Running 5k plan this Spring, I found myself pricing out both the gadgets and a pair of Nike+ shoes or the Shoe Pouch. All day I've been trying to figure out if I should sync the Wife's iPod Touch with my school MacBook or if I should buy an iMac for the family, and she doesn't even have the damn thing yet. I yammered about Apple crap all night, and the Wife says I haven't been this excited about computers in a long time. Right now, if someone asked me what kind of computer they should buy, I would tell them "If you can afford it, buy a Mac. If you can't, buy the best machine you can afford and slap Ubuntu on it." I feel so dirty.

In Your Face

Mike — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 05:29:44 +0000

Magnified Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Do people really subject themselves to this stuff? The Allerton Hotel in Chicago has these mirrors in the bathroom that blow your face up to something like twice normal size. Even in the picture I took of my magnified mug, I can see the line of my contact lens against the white of my right eye. I didn't think much of the mirror when I first spotted it, but then my hair caught my eye. Turns out it was my stubble. I thought "holy crap I need a shave," only to look at the regular mirror to see little more than a shadow. Then I saw a red mark. An ingrown hair? The start of a pimple? Either way, it didn't look good. In seconds I was sweating all manner of small stuff, not a one of which I could even remotely see in the regular mirror. Things even a high-def camera couldn't pick up. If anyone got close enough to see what I was seeing in that makeup mirror, they were either the Wife or they were looking for a beating. If there really are people out there maintaining their face right down to the millimeter in one of these things, they have some serious issues.

Giving New Meaning to "Remote Start"

Mike — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 21:13:03 +0000

With three of my spawn already roaming the Earth, the Wife and I have discussed more permanent methods of contraception, particularly those aimed south of my navel. The idea of vasectomy is not particularly appealing, but given the reports from cousins, friends, and co-workers who have all had it done have been overwhelmingly positive, it's the most likely route we'll be taking. Today I read about a new, reversible vasectomy method under development. The concept is simple: the doc installs a radio-controlled valve that opens and closes to allow or prevent the passage of sperm from the testes. One click you're shooting blanks, the next you're locked and loaded. Not a bad idea in principle, but I'm not convinced remote-controlled genitalia is such a swell idea. In particular, I'm not sure I want to knock my wife up after the neighbor opens his garage door. The article says the remotes are keyed to the valve, but that's what they say about garage door remotes. Not to mention doorbells; a past neighbor and I drove each other nuts one month because both of us chose the same jumper configuration on our wireless remotes. If the remote's packing RSA encryption, maybe I'll feel a little more comfortable, but otherwise they can pound sand. Codes aside, do I really want someone else in control of my nads? "Hey Doc, the wife and I are thinking we'd like another shot at twins. Can I borrow my clicker?" What if the doctor's office burns to the ground? What if some ditzy nurse loses the database of which remote belongs to which sack? What if some prankster got a hold of my clicker, or worse, held my clicker for ransom? "Drop $20,000 in a paper bag under the 28th Street bridge at midnight or I open the floodgates!" I don't know about you, but $20k to avoid another few years of diapers and another $100,000 or so to raise a child to age 18 is probably worth it. Not to mention getting control of one's manhood back. Good luck with that experiment, doc, but I think I'll take a pass. The Earth needs no further fruit from my loins, and I can live with 24 hours of feeling like I just took a nutshot if it means my wife won't have to get gutted. I'd also rather deal with a little snip than having to cook my boys once a month. Yow...

4x4 Trade on Horror Mall

Mike — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 15:07:38 +0000

Looking for 4x4? There's a consignment copy available at the Horror Mall. Only $225.00. Only...

"Click! Take a pic!"

Mike — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 04:33:35 +0000

The Canon EOS 450D (aka Digital Rebel XSi) has been formally announced, and it shall be mine. (Provided it doesn't come with Rosie Perez's voice.*) I've been wanting a digital SLR for a long time. I've used an old 35mm camera in the past, and I really enjoyed it compared to using a point-and-shoot digital. Looking through the lens gives you better control of the shot, including the framing and focus. My 6-year-old Canon PowerShot G2 was top of the line in its day, but now with its stuck pixels and its focusing frustrations, it's time for an upgrade. The nice thing is with the changing technology I can buy a much beefier DSLR for the same price I paid for the G2. I've been watching Digital Photography Review for more information, and they didn't disappoint: they've got a brief hands-on with the 450D and a summary of differences between it and its predecessor, the 400D/Digital Rebel XTi. It looks like Canon's packing in some solid features, and that's got me drooling all the more. I read somewhere that it doesn't ship until April, but if I've been waiting over two years to get my hands on a DSLR, I guess I can wait two more months. Maybe. The question, then, is will the investment result in better pictures? I sure as hell hope so. If nothing else I'll have a lot more fun taking pics. Of course, judging by what I saw out of my friend Richard's Rebel and Speedlite, the softened flash alone is worth the price of admission. I'm sick to death of blown-out faces and subjects' uncontrollable blinking in my pics.** The first step to improvement will probably be jumping into the Digital Photography School forums. It looks like there's a lot of great advice flying around in there, and it's a lot faster (and cheaper) than trying to take a photography class at a local community college.*** DPS also has a great blog with some cool tips. With photography more on my brain than ever, I've started thinking more about digital workflow. I'll need some processing capability for RAW no doubt, which means some extra software for the GIMP on my Linux box. Of course, if I do make the Mac switch, that will change things significantly. It's a little premature to be worried about the Lightroom vs. Aperture debate, so instead I turned my attentions to iPhoto on my MacBook and compared it to digiKam on Linux. If there's one app that I think I'd truly miss in Linux, it's digiKam. Both it and iPhoto perform the same function: importing and organizing your pictures. They both allow easy sorting and importing, and they both support tagging. iPhoto's presentation is a little bit cleaner, but feature-wise they're more or less the same. The key difference is in the back ends, and maybe some of the Mac folks can speak up here. What I like about digiKam is it drops pics right into the filesystem. If I need to find my pictures in any other application or through a file browser, I know right where to find them because the albums are a mirror of the folder hierarchy. If I change the names of the picture files on import, that name is applied to the file name, replacing vague camera filenames like IMG98939.JPG. The added benefit here is if for any reason I lost the digiKam database with my tags and such in it, my files are untouched. If I have to access the drive remotely (via SSH/SCP, which I do often) or have to recover files with a drive enclosure or similar method, I have a good idea of what I'm looking at. iPhoto, on the other hand, drops everything into a package of some kind. The files appear to be copied to the filesystem, but it looks like the titles are only part of the iPhoto Library package and database. I did figure out there are both Original and Modified folders inside the iPhoto Library package, and there are folders for year and then Event, but the image filenames are still IMG884737.JPG. Having an automatic backup if I edit a pic (an untouched original and the new, modified file) is not a bad idea, but does this not take up extra space? How will this affect remote access? If I use SSH to access a Mac, or if I connect via SCP to copy a handful of pictures to a remote computer, am I going to be able to browse -- via the shell or a SCP GUI like WinSCP -- to my pictures and copy them? Am I going to have to upload pics to Flickr and fetch them from there? Or is there some other Apple sharing method that I may not be aware of? And most importantly, if my darling rugrats shove my Mac off a table and shatter it, am I going to be able to access my pictures -- and recover tags, titles, and other data -- if I yank the hard drive and drop it into an enclosure? Why does iPhoto do it this way? Inquiring minds want to know. *For those of you who don't have rugrats, Rosie Perez is the voice of Click the Camera on Go, Diego, Go! And she sings. It's truly the work of the Devil. **I have about a tenth as many pics of my wife as I should because she can't keep her frickin' eyes open. If I show you a good shot of my wife, chances are it was taken outside in broad daylight in the middle of summer. As a result she's probably wearing sunglasses, too. ***I tried to take the photography class when I was in college, but the single section offered was always filled within about 6 nanoseconds of the start of registration.

The Need for a New Maxim

Mike — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 17:04:31 +0000

Is anyone else sick of "No pain, no gain!" I thought that died in the early nineties, but occasionally I'll hear it pop up again. In most cases it's at a gym or similar workout setting, and it always makes me think of some steroided-out musclehead getting in someone's face, thinking it's going to pump them up. It works for other steroided-out muscleheads, but the rest of us just want to reach for a towel and wipe the guy's spittle off our face. Not to mention the idea of pain makes Average Joe all the more reluctant to get off his duff and start working out. It's exactly what makes a lot of people say "To Hell with this! I'll eat what I want and die happy." There is truth in the quote, though. It comes from Nietzsche's "What does not kill me makes me stronger." In fitness, if you're not getting outside your comfort level, you're not doing yourself any favors. You need to get outside of that comfort zone, to force your body to adapt to new levels of activity, if you want to see any improvement. Working on the stretching machine in karate class last night, however, it occurred to me there's a fine line between discomfort and pain. When I cranked the machine out to the point my legs were just a bit tight, I was at still in my natural range of motion (albeit the limit of that range). I can already do it, so stopping there isn't going to make me any more flexible or get my kicks any higher. I cranked the machine a bit further and I started to feel a strong pull. It was uncomfortable, and sure, a little painful, but bearable. It was outside the comfort zone, and a sign I'm pushing for a new limit. Now I've got something to adapt to, without it being so unbearable that I want to quit. On this machine, we start at that point, stretch, and then we crank the machine another notch and do it again. The machine has a handy measurement of the angle of your legs. As I pushed for that third click, I was fine halfway through. When it clicked into place, though, I had a jolt of pain and let out a grunt. It would appear 125 degrees is my absolute limit at the moment, and if I had started there I have no doubt I would never want to put my ass in that machine again. It's not going to do me any good if I'm afraid to use it. So I propose a new maxim: "If you're not feeling it, you're not fixing it." There's no reason to be in pain. But if you're not breathing heavy or working up a good sweat while you're working, you're not going to change anything. If you're not sore in the morning -- I'm talking discomfort, not in pain so terrible you can't move -- your body's not adapting. Get out there and feel it. Find your limits and exceed them, without killing yourself. I hope I can remember that when I start that 5k run program next month...

Stimulate Me

Mike — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 21:08:28 +0000

Congress just sent a bill on to Bush to spend $170 billion (yes, billion) to "stimulate the economy" by sending us tax rebates. I'm all for more money in my pocket, but we've already got a deficit of over $9 trillion! How about we do something intelligent, like revamping the tax system or cutting pork barrel spending? Cripes. Before anyone tells me there's nothing wrong with the tax system, let me lay out an illustration. In the 2006 tax year, the feds refunding every penny I gave them. For the 2007 tax year, they only kept a couple hundred bucks. How does this make any sense? If I get a $1200 check like the article suggests, the government is giving me free money, which is actually a loan we're going to have to pay for later. They may as well be saying "Well, the economy sucks, here's a free 42", high-def Vizio for everybody! But don't worry, you'll pay it all back when the next administration raises taxes to fix the mess we made." Assholes.

Clive Owen's On First

Mike — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 16:26:58 +0000

Last night I finally got around to watching Shoot 'Em Up, and I invited the wife to do the same. "Hey hon," I said. "Come watch Shoot 'Em Up." "Which movie?" she asked. Like many people, I'll refer to a high-octane action flick as a shoot-'em-up. "Shoot 'Em Up," I told her. "Right, but which movie?" You can easily see where this was going. About a half hour later, after the rugrats finished bathtime and she put them all to bed, she sat down in the living room. "So what's the movie called?" she asked. "Shoot 'Em Up!" I replied. I was tempted to say "Clive Owen's On First." She can dig Abbot & Costello, she'd have got it. The movie itself is a lot of fun. Way, way over-the-top action and does a great job satiring the action genre. The one-liners alone are worth the price of admission. For example, Clive Owen shoves a carrot in a bad guy's mouth and then hammers it through the back of the guy's head and tells him "Eat your vegetables." Classic! That's right up there with Schwarzenegger's "Let off some steam, Bennett!" in Commando, right after he uses a pipe to spear a guy onto a boiler. At least the ridiculousness of Shoot 'Em Up was intentional. Owen munches carrots throughout the entire flick. I'm not quite sure whether it's a reference to Bugs Bunny and the cartoony quality of the violence or if it's a lampoon of Stallone's matchstick in Cobra. Or both. As a whole, though, I enjoyed Crank more. Jason Statham is a lot more intense than Clive Owen, and Crank was likewise very tongue-in-cheek with its action. If this is a sign of where action flicks are headed, keep 'em coming. In other news, I just learned that Roy Scheider died. That's a bummer. In addition to Jaws and The French Connection, I'll always remember him in Blue Thunder. I loved that flick when I was a kid.

Getting Her Geek On

Mike — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 20:23:35 +0000

The Wife got her first hands-on look at the iPod touch yesterday, and was blown away by how small it is. She's now excited to be owning one soon, mostly because it will take significantly less space in her purse than the calendar and address book she carries around now. She walked out of the store sporting phantom wood, looking forward to the day she can proudly show off pictures to people who ask (as opposed to bitching that her lazy husband never prints any of them out). It's easy for a geek like myself to get excited about new technology, but for non-techies it's a bit trickier. Despite there being PC's and laptops in the house throughout our marriage, the Wife has only been using email actively for the last two years. She's embraced online shopping and Google Maps, and thought my being able to download missed television episodes was "pretty cool." She only recently started using text messages and fiddling with ringtones on her cell phone, but hardly ever uses the camera. She's fully embraced DVR technology, but could care less about high-def televisions beyond the fact a flat-screen hanging on the living room wall will free up all kinds of floor space. In short, the Wife looks at technology as a tool, not a toy. She sees practical uses for the iPod touch, and a new layer of convenience seals the deal. The maps, multi-touch screen, and even the music and video playback are all just a slick bonus. The bulky Palms and other PDA's have never tripped her trigger, especially with a stylus to lose, easy-to-scratch screens, and clunky interfaces. I think Apple understands this. Yes, Apple gear is shiny, sleek, and cool. But they definitely have the user in mind, whether we're talking about hardcore users, newbies, or somebody in between. We all have work to get done, and there are many times we'd like to make that work as simple as possible. It doesn't get much easier than iPhoto. The Wife shares one big gripe with me: price. You get the Cadillac or nothing, something I talked about earlier. This slows adoption to general audiences, but those who can afford said Cadillac couldn't be happier. We're discussing putting an iMac in my office so she'll be able to more easily manage her iPod touch, as well as share photos with family by burning them to DVD with iMovie. She doesn't have the patience to do the same things in Linux. In other words, she now sees the value in spending the extra cash, especially now that we're in a position to afford it. I may pull the trigger on a new iMac this week, before her phantom wood subsides. It will be interesting to see if an iMac changes her view of computing or not, and whether or not she'll take advantage of things like the iLife suite.

I Feel So Dirty

Mike — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 20:32:00 +0000

I just ordered the iMac for the family. Mmmm, Kool-Aid. And someone please tell me why the iPod touch doesn't have Bluetooth. If you could access the Internet through a cell phone, it would make Safari and Google Maps much more useful. Some of us live in the boonies where public wi-fi is still an urban legend and AT&T coverage sucks. Not to mention a Bluetooth keyboard would be nice when someone adds some kind of word processing ability via the software SDK due this month.

They Know I'm a Boob Man

Mike — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 16:54:43 +0000

My resume is still floating around on Career Builder, and every so often it sends me an email of job matches based on what it sees in my resume. Today it suggested I apply for a post-mastectomy fitter position at an area hospital. Maybe it knows about all that ASCII porn the old-school Unix guys throw around their terminals and figures I'm just another white-bearded hacker addicted to the @. Or maybe a co-worker got it right: what male wouldn't want to work with boobs? It may sound like a man's dream job on the surface (a close second to strip club owner), I suspect the reality is significantly less exciting. Ever ask a gynecologist how much he enjoys his job? They're the first to tell you "They can't all be supermodels." I'm sure that applies here. Now add to it the emotional baggage these women carry out of the cancer ward and the excitement measurement plummets a few more notches. If someone wants to apply out of a genuine desire to help these women, I say go for it and more power to them. Earn your $20/hour with pride. If anyone out there wants to apply for all the wrong reasons, I strongly suggest they go watch Fight Club again. You know the scene I'm talkin' about.

Scan 'Em All

Mike — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 20:40:52 +0000

The last several times I've gone to the theater have been miserable experiences, and Friday night was no exception. It's those times it would be really nice to have the Scanners head-exploding powers. Take the two trendy teen couples who sat down behind me. They tripped over one another getting to their seats, one of the guys got irritated, and one of the girls said "Peace, nigger!"Then one of them spotted the black man sitting down the aisle from them. "OhmyGodohmyGod! I hope he didn't hear that!" Uh huh. Blam! If I could have exploded her head right then, it would have saved me more grief. She lost her ring as the credits rolled: "I dropped my ring! Oh no!" Then she lost her necklace: "I can't find my necklace! Oh my God! You guys! Help me find it!" Maybe she wears mommy's jewelry. Blam! In case anyone was worried about her necklace, she did find it. In her shirt. "Tee hee! There it is!" Blam! Then the cell phone rings. She put it on vibrate, so I was ready to let it fly. Unfortunately she decided to answer it, then complained she couldn't hear over the theater sound. Blam! Then the boyfriend started kissing on her. "Don't! There are people around!" Yes, but the rest of us are trying to watch a movie, not your scuzzball boyfriend slobber on your neck. Blam! This was all between bumps and kicks of the chair back. I was willing to write that off as accidental, but then one of them tried to put their foot up on my armrest (I sat on the aisle). I looked over my shoulder the first time, but they didn't say anything. The second time I looked over my shoulder and asked them to knock it off. Obviously I was the idiot for being in their way. Blam! They weren't the only pinheads. Everyone's familiar with the basic movie-going rules, right? Silence your cell phones, don't talk, take noisy kids to the lobby? A guy down the same row from the trendy teens managed to break all of them. He didn't bother to silence his phone, and he took three calls during the course of the film. On top of that, he's apparently deaf because every conversation started with "Hello?" then, louder, "Hello?" again. Blam! Apparently his wife was embarrassed enough to do something about it, because he got mad at her. "What are you doin', tryin' to break my muh-fuggin' phone?" Blam! And then their baby cried. They got him quieted down pretty quick, but later the baby started playing with some bells. This was apparently okay with them. Blam! Yeah, if I had the head-explodo powers, Jumper would have been a much better flick.

New RFB Review

Mike — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 23:00:45 +0000

Jeff Burk posted a review of Restore from Backup on his blog. An excerpt:

Restore from Backup is a refreshingly original and thrilling story, combining the occult, conspiracy theories, and cubicle work. In a time in which the horror genre is dominated by serial killers and zombies, a story featuring the Jewish Kabbalah and computer programming is a welcome deviation. Gonzalez and Oliveri have delivered a hard-to-find gift, a truly original horror story.

You've ordered your copy, right?

The Pros and Cons of Illness

Mike — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 02:52:31 +0000

Between flu, pneumonia, and now some kind of killer, sinus-assaulting virus, this winter has just plain sucked for me. It all started with a fever on Saturday, progressed to sinus headaches, and now is a combination of both, complete with the occasional fat blob of ugly, brown-green snot streaked with red. This has given me plenty of time to weigh the pros and cons of being sick. Pro: Another day off work. Con: Too frickin' worn out or lightheaded to get any work done at home, either. Sadly, the latter includes writing. The fever just kills my concentration, so my planned three days of writing became three days of vegging out in front of the tube. Which brings us to the next set: Pro: I've been able to eliminate a lot of old programs from the DVR Con: Boredom. Yes, I cried like a baby at the fade-out to the Rescue Me season finale, and I'm glad to have finally burned through the second half of Damages. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was better than I expected, and The Brothers Grimm was worse than I expected. There's only so much TV I can watch in a stretch, though, and I far exceeded that limit and got bored. Boredom in creative types leads to: Pro: Learning about things like nasal irrigation. Con: Actually trying things like nasal irrigation. Oh yes. I tried it. The Wife was thrilled to see me using her fine China creamer to do it, too. This created its own subset of pro and con, so I'll indent them:

Pro: It actually works. Con: Salt water across a nose you've rubbed raw over the weekend burns.

I'm thinking less salt next time. Or maybe something besides coarse kosher salt... But hey, it did work. Flushed loose all kinds of nasties. Gross. Pro: Being home for the arrival of the iMac. Con: Being too damn fuzz-brained to set it up. Yeah, the iMac's here. Big, sleek, white box. Unfortunately I never had the time to set up the office for it, and I'm still too worn out to do anything about it tonight. Heck, I can hardly stay focused on this simple blog post. In the end, the cons have it. I hate being sick. My nose smells salty.

My Brain, It Oozes

Mike — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 18:42:45 +0000

I sent the Wife to the pharmacy for a sinus rinse last week. They didn't stock anything like a neti pot, so she came home with a squeeze bottle kit instead. I also got to thinking this guy has the right idea; I don't have coffee, but there's a bottle of Jack sitting in the kitchen. The squeeze bottle says to squeeze gently. Unfortunately, "gently" is a relative term, especially when you're a big, clumsy, ham-fisted oaf like me. Minutes after an accidental attempt to blow my brains straight out the back of my head, the Wife looked at my eye and asked if I was getting pinkeye again. "Nope," said I. "I just blew the snot out through my eyes." That went on for some time. There's nothing like having to clean snot off your contacts before you put them away for the night. I've been squeezing more gently since.

* * *

Two days later, my head was still plugged up. The over-the-counter Claritin the doc told me to take wasn't doing the job, and now I was blowing blood-laced snot all night. I showed the Wife what I feared were chunks of brain. "Time to try a new sinus rinse," I said. "Something along the line of 9mm." "Do you have a 9mm?" she asked. "Yep. Sure do." I told her which one. "I thought that was bigger?" "Nope. A .45 would be better, but 9mm will work in a pinch." "Oh. Have at it, then." Ah, spousal support.

* * *

I felt a bit better Friday and thought maybe I was through the worst of it. Unfortunately, that night I was right back to being sick again. Saturday morning I went to a quick care clinic (my own doc doesn't have Saturday office hours) and they confirmed I had sinusitis, aka a sinus infection. The nurse handed me a sheet telling me all about the care and feeding of my brand new infection, and she circled one item in particular: rinse or irrigate your nasal passages frequently to clear the sinuses. I laughed and asked her if 9mm would work. "Don't you think that might be a bit... permanent, Mr. Oliveri?" At least this gunk would be out of my head.

* * *

I went to karate after the quick care visit. It's review this week, and I want my next stripe, so I planned to at least sit and watch and let the Midget get on the mat for his review. I felt excited about being there, though, and my head had cleared some while driving, so I thought I'd make a go of it. I put on my gi, and for a minute I felt like Superman putting on his cape. Tying on that belt after a full week of nothing but sick laziness felt like connecting to a live wire. I was so ready for this! Then we did 20 slow push-ups (hold for a moment at the top and bottom) during warm-up. If the gi made me Superman, the mat became my kryptonite and it took all my strength to not just go flat and take a nap. At least I remembered my kata and was able to review my self defenses. My nose didn't run, but I sweated as if I'd just run a marathon. I made it home before collapsing. I napped on and off, and episodes 5-7 of Deadwood made it all better.

* * *

Today I'm finally starting to feel better. I got a good night's sleep last night, with no coughing fits or facefuls of snot to wake me up. The antibiotics appear to be doing their job, and I've got more of my energy back. There's still some bloody goop in the snot, but the vice around my eyes is gone and it's the first time in a week I woke up with a normal temperature. It's about freakin' time, because I've got way too much to do.

Blurbage

Mike — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 04:34:19 +0000

It's not uncommon for writers to ask one another for blurbs, the promotional quotes that often appear on covers or in a book's front matter. I've got a small collection of them myself, and I've provided a handful over the past several years. However, it's been a while since anyone's asked me for one. Until Monday, that is. That afternoon, two separate blurb requests rolled into my email inbox. I'm not quite sure how I ended up with the requests. Don't get me wrong, these are both friends of mine and good writers, and I'm more than happy to help them out, but I'm not sure what good my name will do them. Why would my word carry weight if I haven't been able to get a novel published since 2001? How do people know who I am if I've been only sporadically published since 2003? Or if my productivity has been crap since 2005? Sure, there's the Stoker thing, but does anyone really care? Or am I just being a neurotic freakshow again?

Plateaus

Mike — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 21:26:32 +0000

I hit a definite plateau in my weight loss recently, holding the same weight from late December through the middle of February. I thought I was going to have to start the running program before I saw any change, but then I got sick. That fever and infection knocked seven pounds off me in a week, and I've only gained one back since I started feeling better on Monday. The good news is I didn't let that plateau discourage me. I practiced my karate as often and as hard as ever, and I continued to set the same weight goal for January and February rather than trying to compromise and find a middle ground. Now that I feel better, I may up the intensity of those workouts and see if I can't sweat a little more. I expect the running program will be the next real breakthrough, though. I like that it's simple and realistic, especially given that I normally hate running. I like how the goal is just to do it, not attach any kind of speed or time limit to it. That should help me burn some weight as well as build up my endurance for sparring matches and our more intense karate class workouts. I'm also happy to report the same plateau didn't hit my karate progress. I learned a new speed form that I struggled with at first. Given I spent all of last week on my ass, I worried I'd have some trouble with it again. Fortunately on Tuesday night, the first of two review nights this week, I was able to bang it right out on request, and I nailed it the first time through. Same goes for the two new Judo throws I had to demonstrate. Not too shabby. Tonight's the second review, and I'll finish it by interpreting my kata, Anaku, and doing some form sparring. I've been reviewing the interpretation in my head most of the day, so I should do fine. If all goes well, I'll make my next belt in April. If anything demonstrates I'm not stuck on a plateau, I would think a new belt would be it. This weekend I buy some new running shoes for the running program. The high school staff at the district I work for surprised me with a Visa gift card, so I'll be taking that to the local Dick's to grab a pair of Nike+ shoes and the Nike+iPod transmitter. As soon as the warmer weather hits, I hit the track.

Ode to the Cup

Mike — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 03:26:20 +0000

The man who invented the athletic cup is my hero. I did get my second green stripe last night, but then I spent a good ten minutes as an attacker while one of our purple belts demonstrated his self defenses. Several of these involve snap kicks, hammer fists, or rear thrust kicks to the groin. If I hadn't been wearing a cup, I wouldn't need to talk to the doctor about that vasectomy anymore. Our sensei often reminds us the single most important thing about self defenses is that they work. I don't care who you are, you whack someone in the nads like that, they're going to stop whatever they're doing. So here's to you, Mr. Athletic Cup Inventor. Thank you, O Guardian of the Family Jewels, for molding that perfect piece of plastic that lets a man explore total testicular destruction in complete scrotal comfort. Without you, I'm sure the world would be a less populous place.

Deadly Women of Summer

Mike — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 03:37:51 +0000

I've just heard from the folks at Otherworld Verlag, and it would appear the German edition of Deadliest of the Species, Das todliche Geschlecht, will be appearing in June. This is exciting stuff! I realize many of my English-speaking fans may not be able to get their hands on this book, but it will be fun to draw in a whole new audience as well as do something special for the folks who picked up Werewolves: Call of the Wild overseas.

Smoke Blog: Sancho Panza

Mike — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 17:07:28 +0000

I bought a six-pack sampler of lonsdales from Famous Smoke last week, thinking they would be the ideal size for late winter and early spring smoking. Last night that proved a sound theory when I lit up the box-pressed Sancho Panza included in the sampler. The weekend weather teased us, hitting about sixty degrees yesterday afternoon before plummeting back to the low 30's today (we're also expecting snow tonight and tomorrow). I took advantage of the weather break around 8:00 last night and sat out front. My hoodie held off the worst of the cool breeze, and I was only just starting to feel cold when I put out the stub of the cigar 45 minutes later. Perfect. The Sancho Panza was a mild, even smoke, and not a bad choice for the first smoke of the year. It held up well against the wind, showing no evidence of canoeing or tunneling that I often see in lesser cigars in the strong winds around my home. I'm also impressed that it maintained the same characteristics from start to finish; no harsh taste on lighting or when it burned down low. In summary, the Sancho Panza is a pleasant smoke I wouldn't shy away from in the future. As for the smoking experience itself, I'd forgotten how calming it is to just sit outside and chill for 45 minutes or so. I pondered my karate a bit, and even wandered around the porch and driveway, dropping into stances and examining footwork. I worked up a mental draft of an email I needed to send my German publisher, Otherworld Verlag, including responses to corrections that needed to be made for the translated Deadliest of the Species manuscript. Finally, I got a good look at the stars speckling the clear sky for the first time in months. All in all a great night for reflection and relaxation. I'm already looking forward to my next one!

The Human Factor

Mike — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 05:28:58 +0000

There's a physicist who thinks he's got airplane boarding all figured out. According to his models, if you get everyone lined up properly before they get on the plane, boarding will go a lot faster. It all sounds good on paper, but the moment you introduce real people the whole thing's going to collapse. First off, good luck getting everyone lined up properly outside the gate. How do you handle people who were in the bathroom during the boarding call? Or rushing over from security or another plane? Let's assume you make them get at the end of the line. How do you handle the people already there? You're either going to need extra staff to examine tickets and line people up, or you're going to need a diagram of the plane laid out on the carpet so people can find their "seats." Either way, you think there's going to be room for all of this at the gate? There's a reason they board people in groups: they don't want massive lines or throngs of people stretching out through the concourses. But hey, let's say for argument's sake that the airlines get that figured out. How does it address the problem of the idiots when they get on the plane? For example, you've got Too Much Baggage Guy, who can't be bothered to check his luggage so he roams up and down the aisle to find a place to stash his crap. You've got This is My Personal Dressing Room Guy, who blocks the aisle for ten minutes while he takes off his jacket, folds it up neatly, rolls up his sleeves, and generally gets comfortable before he bothers to sit his fat ass down. Then there's the Safety Nazi who straps herself into her aisle seat before the others in her row arrive, and then gets all huffy when she has to unbuckle herself so you can get by. And let's not forget Mr. I Was Hoping You Wouldn't Show Up who picks an arbitrary seat because his sucks and he figures either you won't show or you'll be content to take his crummy seat. This guy may also be known as I Forgot How Numbers and Letters Work and I Can't Find My Seat Guy. There are probably others, but these are the people I run into most often when I fly. I'll never understand what's so difficult about carrying one bag on board, sitting down, and putting said single bag under the seat. Get on, get out of the way, wait for takeoff. You want to get planes in the air faster? Forget the elaborate schemes and figure out how to reintroduce common courtesy to the general population.

I'm a Billionaire!

Mike — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:50:50 +0000

In Zimbabwe, anyway. Not that I'd ever want to set foot in the place. I may not be the best-looking dude around, but I'm sure I would look infinitely worse if someone split my head with a machete. But hey, Zimbabwe, don't fret! The way things our going, your dollars will be catching up with us soon.

Farewell to Heroes

Mike — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 03:29:17 +0000

I was told once that you're not getting old until the people you looked up to as a child start dying. Yesterday, Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons, passed away at the age of 69. Like many of my writing friends, I spent a big chunk of my childhood making characters, battling imaginary monsters, and rolling funny-looking dice. I spent a lot of time as Dungeon Master as well, creating several adventures and characters that sometimes never even made it to the gaming table. In short, Gygax is at least partially responsible for exercising the creative side of my brain and turning me into the storyteller I am today. I was sitting in a meeting with my boss when I got the news. John had posted a note to Twitter about it, and his Tweet rolled across my cell phone as a text message. One moment I was discussing our technology budget for next year's Apple purchase, the next I felt myself go pale and I lost track of what I was saying. I recovered and told the boss it was nothing, but the moment I got back to my office I hit Google News and got the full scoop. Rest in peace, Mr. Gygax, and thank you for the years of entertainment and creativity you provided. The guys at Penny Arcade put up a great tribute comic here. News of Gygax's passing prompted me to recall another name from my gaming days, Eric Wujcik. My friends and I were never quite sure how to pronounce the guy's name, but we sure played the hell out of games he had written. I looked him up and discovered he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in December. He's still with us and undergoing chemotherapy, but the cancer has already spread to his liver. Talk about your one-two punch. I didn't feel at all old until I learned about Gygax and Wujcik and recalled what I was told about childhood heroes. I haven't had the opportunity to play an RPG game for years, but suddenly I feel like a part of my youth died. I need to find my dice.

Killing Jack Haringa

Mike — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 02:50:07 +0000

The following is a piece of flash fiction depicting the death of Jack Haringa. Why? I'll let Brian explain. Enjoy. JACK CATCHES THE A TRAIN Jack said his goodbyes and walked out of the bar as the clock struck 10. The heady mix of fine liquor and a good night of prose and poetry readings put a smile on his lips and a stumble in his step, but he looked dapper as always in his pressed jacket and favorite tie. He hated to leave so early, especially with so many of his friends taking the mic, but he promised his wife he'd make it home at a reasonable hour this time. They had different definitions of “reasonable hour,” but if he caught the A train he'd be home by 10:30, a good middle ground that would likely let him avoid the worst of her ire. The subway station was right around the corner, and a glance at the clock after he descended to the platform assured him he had time to spare. The sparse crowd surprised him. He wondered if perhaps the smart ones were all still at the bars and nightclubs, leaving him with the workaholics headed home late and the lightweights bailing early. In fact, after the recent arrivals climbed to the street, Jack was left with only two other travelers. The first leaned against a column only six feet or so to Jack's left. He looked tired and weary as he read the newspaper. His tie was missing from his open collar and his blazer hung over his right forearm. The second man wore a long, threadbare overcoat with the collar turned up high. He stood halfway down the platform from Jack, but even from that distance Jack could see the shiny beads of sweat trickling down the man's temple and brow. His head twitched twice in the few seconds Jack observed him, and he held his head low as he mumbled to himself. The twitchy man caught Jack's eye. “What, you want to propose or something?” he shouted. Jack flinched as the man's voice echoed around the platform. The weary man sighed heavily. “Sorry,” Jack said. “I wasn't staring, just looking around.” “You don't fool me! I know exactly what you are!” Twitchy stomped down to the other side of the platform and sat down on one of the rubber-coated benches near the wall. He drew his knees up to his chest, closed his coat around them, and dropped his head down so his collar concealed his face. “What the hell was that all about?” Jack asked Weary. Weary glanced sideways at Jack, then turned the page of his newspaper and snapped it back open hard. Must have had a rough day, Jack thought. His eyes drifted to the front page headline: “Homicide not ruled out in subway accidents.” The picture showed the side of a subway car streaked with red. Jack recognized it from the news two nights ago, when a man fell in front of the train and became wedged between the train and the platform. The man didn't die until the authorities pried the train away and inadvertently released his guts to spill out all over the tracks. “Excuse me,” Jack said to Weary. “Did you read the subway piece?” “Yeah.” “Do they have a suspect?” “Yeah.” The A train rumbled around the curve toward the platform. Jack raised his voice. “Do they have a description?” The man lowered his paper. “A vague one... Why?” Jack turned back toward Twitchy. “Oh, just thinking worst case, I guess.” The light on the front of the train shone across the platform. “Don't worry,” Weary said. “He ain't the guy.” “How do you know?” “He doesn't look a thing like me.” Jack felt the shove, and then he was flying through the air. The last thing he saw were the tracks rising up to greet him. The train got to him first.

Join the Space Cult

Mike — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 00:04:48 +0000

I glanced at a table near the bathroom in the local Borders store and found an Illinois MUFON application staring back at me. I was in the mood for a laugh, so I snapped one up. It turns out for twenty bucks, I too can join the search for little green men in flying saucers. I wonder if there's a membership card and a secret handshake. I'm half tempted to join just so I can find out if the majority of the membership is comprised of Stanton Friedman types or if they're just your garden variety, mouth-breathing, basement-dwelling dweebs. (One may may be indistinguishable from the other from a distance, but at least you can hold a conversation with someone like Mr. Friedman.) While it does make sense to me that there could be life on other planets, perhaps even (now or in the past) on other planets in our own solar system, I find most people are too quick to assign extraterrestrial origins to anything they can't otherwise explain. For example, an ex-governor of Arizona claims he spotted a UFO. The article has the following quote:

"As a pilot and a former Air Force Officer, I can definitively say that this craft did not resemble any man-made object I'd ever seen."

That's often enough for most people to tag him as an expert on the subject. However, when was his Air Force experience? What was his job? What was his security clearance? Engineers can conceivably be working on all kinds of strange and unusual technologies that he wouldn't be privy to. Consider the B-2 Spirit stealth bomber. I don't doubt when it was first under development, many pilots would never have recognized it, much less your average Joe who spotted it flying high overhead. I wouldn't be surprised if a number of UFO reports could now be attributed to the B-2. In fact, some say many of today's UFO sightings may be attributable to the hypothetical Aurora or other deltoid aircraft with exotic propulsion systems like external burn. Are there unexplainable events out there? Sure. But does that automatically make them the result of visiting aliens? Of course not. 2,000 years ago, people thought the Earth was flat. They explained things they couldn't understand as the work of gods and monsters, including things like thunderstorms, which we now take for granted. They thought tornadoes and hurricanes were divine punishment (hell, we still refer to them as "acts of God") rather than natural weather phenomena. People today have a much better grasp on science, however, so they instead conjure up science-based strangeness to explain the unexplainable. They replace Zeus and Hera with Martians and Greys. On another side of it, the UFO chasers are very much a cult. I think so many of them so badly want to believe that they latch on to anything they can't easily explain and call it alien rather than fully investigating the object or event in question. The Haitian UFO video is a perfect example of people disregarding the obvious because it contradicts their faith. How odd it is to see a hybrid of faith and science when the two are so often mutually exclusive. Does anyone else think it's funny that both divine creation and alien genetic engineering both site a Missing Link as a proof? They can't both be right, and something that simply may not have been found yet is a flimsy piece of evidence anyway. So I think I'll take a pass on joining the great space cult. While UFO's, extraterrestrial life, and spacecraft are, and always will remain, a fascinating subject for me, I'm not sure there's such a big difference between alien abduction claims and the Virgin Mary appearing as a water stain.

Captain America Found!

Mike — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 15:56:57 +0000

Okay, not really. His description seems to fit, though. And there are two more crew members still missing...

Shuri-ryu: Year One

Mike — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 16:39:52 +0000

Karate Moleskine Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.
Last week marked the one-year anniversary of my Shuri-ryu karate training at the Academy of Okinawan Karate. It amazes me how far I've come in just one year. In addition to losing a lot of weight, my stances have become longer and lower, my kicks have gotten higher, and my techniques have become a lot sharper. I advanced two belt ranks, I learned two kata, and I'm learning to use the sai and bo. What surprises me most is we never stop learning; not just new techniques, but new applications for or tweaks to what we already know. For example, just as a punch feels natural, sensei starts pointing out finer detail like elbow position. Also, I've been running my kata the same way for weeks with little comment. Last night, sensei tells me my hand techniques look great, now we can work on my stances in the second half of the kata. Something else I just learned was I should have had a notebook all along. I showed up to a Black Belt Club workout and saw several people with notebooks. I asked my sensei if I should be bringing one, and he told me karateka should have notebooks at every class. He doesn't always give detailed lessons, but he frequently throws out terms I tend to forget after a week or two. I bought a Moleskine sketchbook to rectify that, which is what prompted the photo above. I didn't want it to get lost in the shuffle around the dojo, so I personalized it by stenciling the kanji for the word "karate" onto the front with a silver Sharpie. The sketchbook will be a little sturdier than a lined notebook, it will allow me to doodle in footwork and diagrams, and I've even started turning it into a sort of scrap book by including photos of some of the Okinawan masters in the Shuri-ryu lineage. (Yes, I'm a geek that way.) This first year has been a good one. I'm really looking forward to seeing where this next year takes me.

Deadliest of the Species

Mike — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 23:16:11 +0000

Deadliest of the Species is my first novel, released in the Spring of 2001 from Vox13 Publications. The book won the Horror Writers Association's Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a First Novel the following year, but has since been out of print. Some readers have lucked out on eBay or at conventions, but for the most part it is very hard to find. I'm working on getting a cleaner edition reprinted, and in the meantime I've sold the German-language rights. Das Tödliche Geschlecht, the German-language edition of Deadliest of the Species Due June 2008 from Otherworld Verlag Order now on Amazon.de

Smells Like What Now?

Mike — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 04:41:24 +0000

When I first heard Kid Rock's "So Hott", the opening chords really caught my attention. I was in the car, and after a few seconds I reached down and turned up the radio. The intro rolled on for a while, and I got pumped up waiting for the song to really kick in. Then the first line came: "You've got a body like the Devil and you smell like sex." Body like the Devil? Really? The first thing I thought of was St. Wolfgang and the Devil:

Now that just screams sexy, doesn't it? Especially that ass. Sadly, the song just goes dowhill from there. If you read through the lyrics, it's not a big leap to translate it to "I'm going to take you home, get you drunk, screw your brains out, and kick you to the curb." I realize there are some women that may work with, but I'm not sure it's a good tribute to the woman you love. (Maybe that's why his darling Pammy bailed for Rick Salomon.) As for the music, I think he took a page from the Lenny Kravitz Guide to Music: find a hook and play it over and over and over and over and over and over and over, throw in a solo, return to the hook, play over and over and over and over and over and over. Disagree? Take another listen to "Are You Gonna Go My Way" and "Bring It On" and you'll hear it. Kid Rock's hook is just longer. I often make fun of pop and country stars for not writing their own material, but sometimes it would appear there's a reason for it.

Con Season Approaches

Mike — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 15:32:04 +0000

It may not feel like it, but spring is about to do its thing and convention season will be upon us before we know it. I've just updated my Appearances page with the two conventions I know for certain I'll be attending, Wizard World Chicago and Archon 32. I'll be missing yet another World Horror Convention, which a number of my friends will be hitting at the end of the month. This is five years straight that I've missed WHC following five years straight attending. Which makes me realize I've been at this writing crap for 10 years already. Yikes. I've got a few friends asking me to come back to Hypericon this summer. Unfortunately it conflicts with Wizard World Chicago this year, so I'm not going to be able to make it. That kind of bums me out because Joe R. Lansdale is their guest of honor and I like his work. It might have been cool to chat him up about his Shen Chuan martial science, too. Necon 2008 sold out, so that's out of the picture. Next year I'll have to buy my tickets early if I really want to go. The Cape Girardeau Comic Con was pretty cool last year, but with nothing new to sell I may have already saturated their audience. Beyond that, I'm not sure. I'm still trying to get a handle on what is and isn't coming out this year, and then I'll be able to make a better decision on where to travel. I'm always open to recommendations.

The Bad Moon Bundle

Mike — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 16:04:20 +0000

Bad Moon Books is offering Restore from Backup in the Bad Moon Bundle, a collection of their first six publications being offered for $95.00. If you're a Muy Mal fan and read John Urbancik's work over there, you should know that the Bad Moon Bundle includes two novellas by John, "House of Shadow & Ash" and "Wings of the Butterfly". Good stuff, Maynard.

Setbacks

Mike — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 05:33:44 +0000

No, I haven't forgotten about the Muy Mal relaunch. Have I neglected it? Hrm. Kind of hard to argue with that one. I've been working on a novella instead. One that needs to be done pretty quick, or a publisher may start losing patience with me. I was getting up a good head of steam on it, too, and had a self-imposed deadline for today. Well, yesterday, anyway; it's after midnight as I type this. Then I did something stupid. I wiped out the whole freakin' thing. That's right, all gone, back to a blank page. A few weeks' worth of work right into the crapper. It occurred to me that the story would work a lot better if I took two characters and changed their genders and motivations, which in turn altered some of the events of the story. It didn't help that I feared the story got off to a weak start as written, so I saw no sense in keeping that, either. So boom, back to square one. While this does set things back a bit, I think it will be better for this story in the long run. I'd rather get it right than deliver crap to the publisher. I'd rather you buy the book and think "Wow, that was great!" than say "Christ, what a rip-off!" And if I could be downright mercenary, I'd rather put my effort into something that pays than a fun Internet experiment (i.e., Muy Mal). I still want to finish Troy Romano's story in Down Vendetta Road, but it has to take a back seat to this baby for a number of reasons. I hope you'll understand. Now the question is do I stay up and hack on the revised novella some more, or should I go to bed and get some rest for the day job? Argh. I'm predicting some late nights come Spring Break next week.

Run for Your Life

Mike — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 02:44:11 +0000

Tomorrow, Troy and I officially start the Cool Running Couch-to-5k Running Program. The late cold weather delayed us several times this month, but now it looks like weather for both of us will be more cooperative this week and we're going to get started. Anyone else feel like joining us? I spent some time the last few days preparing for the program. I've never been much of a runner, so I'm doing everything I can to eliminate excuses and make it as fun as possible before I even get started. I set up some running tunes on my iPod nano (lots of punk and metal), injected a little tech geekery by setting up a Nike+ account, and selected Pantera's "Cowboys from Hell" as my PowerSong. I'm finding the Nike+ site is flexible with its goals and resolutions, letting experienced runners set up marathons and sprints or allowing folks like me to set simpler goals. For now I've set a goal to run 10 times over the next four weeks, which should be a piece of cake if I follow the Cool Running program properly. It recommends running three days a week, so if I stick to it I should hit 12 runs. I've made my progress public here, and there's also a new widget to track my goal in the sidebar of my blog. I've mentioned the plan to several of my friends and family member, and by far the first question they ask is "Why?" Two reasons: lose more weight and to increase my endurance. I've already mentioned I lost about 35 pounds in my first year of karate, and there's no question it has helped me make dramatic improvements in my overall health. However, my weight loss has kind of stalled out since December. I'm thinking I'm making a trade off by packing on new muscle, but in general I'm floating in the same five-pound range and I wonder if I've hit a plateau. A running program should help me get past that point and burn off some more fat. The endurance is also karate related; when I spar, I come away gasping for breath. The matches rarely go the full two minutes allotted, and they're mostly bursts of activity rather than constant motion because we'd trade a few blows, one of us would score, and the judge would call a quick stop to award a point and reset. The few times we've done Judo matches I've been even more exhausted, and in one match my body just about quit on me before the match was over. Don't get me wrong, I expect to be at least winded. However, I feel like I should be able to last longer than I do, and that I should be less exhausted and recover faster when a match is over. As a bonus it will help my endurance when we do our hundred front kicks, ideally preparing me for having to do 500 front kicks in a black belt test at some point in the future. It should also be helpful for running strings of wazas in rapid succession. For example, running the first four ippon kumite katas out of kiba dachi for my first review as a blue belt wasn't terrible, but those numbers will increase as I climb in rank and I'll perform the technique to multiple directions, so I had best prepare now. So the motivation is there and my intentions are good. Let's see if I can't make this happen.

And So It Begins

Mike — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 04:11:58 +0000

Started the running program tonight. Did not die. Actually, it felt pretty good. The alternating run/walk routine was easy to follow without completely wiping me out, and a quick blood pressure check afterward showed a small spike in my systolic digits but the diastolic was fine. I've got a slight tightness in my shins, otherwise no pain. Even the late hour, which I worried about at first, proved quiet and relaxing. My dog, however, thought I was nuts. He may not get invited Wednesday night.

Done Already?

Mike — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 03:47:37 +0000

Spring Break is officially over. I work in education so I got the week off, but it went by so fast it felt like just another weekend. It was one of those weeks I was constantly on the move, out running around for one reason or another or working on things at home. Today we even did spring cleaning and rearranged the living room. I made fitness a priority, though. I still made it to my karate classes, and if you check out the Nike+ badge on the right you'll see I managed to keep up on the running program as well. On Monday I visited the doc for a brief check-up, and on Tuesday I got my cholesterol checked (borderline total/HDL/LDL numbers, but triglycerides were nice and low). Not too shabby. We upgraded the family ride this week. We had a bland, boring minivan and now we have one that's a little closer to a man's van. No flame job or anything like that, but it's black and it has a lot of the electronic gadgets like navigation, Sirius satellite radio, and drop-down video screens for the rugrats. It also has a bigger set of balls under the hood, so I feel a lot less like a closet soccer mom when I'm sitting behind the wheel. As of this week, I'm jamming the Blu-ray on an upgraded theater setup. I didn't catch Full Metal Jacket in the theaters, but watching it in 1080p high definition gave me a craving for a bucket of popcorn. The setup took a while, but it was totally worth it. Speaking of movies, I snuck out to see Doomsday with a friend. It's one of those movies that's so bad it's good. It's best described as a cross between 28 Weeks Later, Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, and, of all things, Robin Hood. I wasn't particularly taken with that third bit, but I had a blast through the rest of it and I really dug the subtle jokes. Clark, meanwhile, loved it all the way through. It was exactly what we expected and awesome in its badness. (By the way, Doomsday's site makes a big deal of it carrying the trailer for the new The Incredible Hulk flick. Meh. Doesn't seem to be much better than Ang Lee's lackluster version.) The rest of the time I visited family, did some shopping, played the buy/pick-up/go-back-and-exchange game with Best Buy, and last night played a couple hours of Halo 3 co-op with some friends online (gotta put the new TV through its paces, don'tcha know). Did I get any writing done? No. Did I catch up on my comics reading? No. Did I read anything besides magazines on the crapper? No. Those were also my goals for the week, but I did a piss-poor job of making them happen and I've been flogging myself for it. I need to finish reading The Road so I can get started on Brian's Dark Hollow. I feel like magazines, websites, and even the odd style of The Road haven't been providing the fuel for the writing urge that many books give, so hopefully jumping back into the horror genre with both feet will give me a much-needed jump start. I wonder if I can get the school board to extend the Break another week...

Human Ingenuity

Mike — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 17:36:25 +0000

In my aliens-as-religion post a couple weeks back I mentioned the way some people undersell human ingenuity. For example, there are those who believe aliens must have built the pyramids because they can't fathom the primitive Egyptians being capable of assembling the blocks. Then along come people like Wally Wallington. He's rebuilding Stonehenge by hand, using nothing more than wood and rocks. Who's to say the same or similar principles weren't used to build the pyramids? Just because we can't figure it out doesn't mean they couldn't. Lack of evidence is not evidence itself. In more modern times, some propeller heads also figured out how to better convert radiation to electricity using nanomaterials. This, too, is something that would have been unfathomable a century ago, and something we couldn't yet pull off in the 1960's. That doesn't automatically mean we must have reverse-engineered it from Roswell wreckage. Yes, people as a whole are stupid and ignorant. However, it only takes a few visionaries to come up with something great.

Lose the Gut, Save Your Mind

Mike — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 20:37:49 +0000

A follow-up to some old studies on belly size has shown there's a possible link between obesity and dementia. This seems to coincide with a new study demonstrating a relationship between insulin and Alzheimer's; if you're at risk for diabetes, you may be at risk for Alzheimer's. That's all I needed to hear to get out on the track or on the mat more often. If there's one thing I fear about getting old, it's losing my mind. Even if I were to lose function in my arms or legs, I could still find a way to write and create. If I were to become a vegetable, then that would be a lot more difficult. I can't even begin to imagine what Terry Pratchett is going through. I'd read about the insulin relationship before, and while it wasn't the main reason I started exercising a couple of years ago, this new study is bumping the priority up some. Physical handicaps are easy to overcome, relatively speaking. If we lose our minds, that's all she wrote. If a little bit of running is all that's required to keep my brain in shape, then I think I can handle it.

Poltergeist Children

Mike — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 15:18:36 +0000

In what I'm sure is an April Fool's prank, New Scientist is reporting Italian scientists are speculating psychic emanations from children going through puberty is responsible for poltergeist activity.

Brovetto and Maxia hypothesise that the changes in the brain that occur at puberty involve fluctuations in electron activity that, in rare cases, can create disturbances up to a few metres around the outside of the brain. These disturbances would be similar in character to the quantum mechanical fluctuations that physicists believe occur in the vacuum, in which "virtual" particle and antiparticle pairs pop up for a fleeting moment, before they annihilate each other and disappear again. Brovetto and Maxia believe that the extra fluctuations triggered by the pubescent brain would substantially enhance the presence of the virtual particles surrounding the person. This could slowly increase the pressure of air around them, moving objects and even sending them hurtling across the room.

I love it! Straight out of comic book science. If this were real, these guys would take the top spot on my crackpot list.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Mike — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:17:06 +0000

Ten years ago, if you told me to get up at 6am to go for a run, I would have laughed in your face. Ten years ago, if I had told my friends or family I was going to get up at 6am to go for a run, they would have laughed in my face. Yesterday, I got up at 6am and went for a run. The world did not end, the universe did not implode, the dead did not rise to feast on human flesh. More importantly, I didn't die. Panted and wheezed? Sure. But die? No. I compounded it with 2.5 hours of karate class in the evening, with the last half hour devoted to Judo sparring. While I mangled my big toes on the judo mat, I have no lingering soreness from the added workload. I suspect I'm finally getting into some semblance of shape. I still have quite a few pounds I'd like to drop, but looking back at my exercise logs I can see I'm getting in a workout more often than not. There are weeks I worked out every day, and never is there a gap for more than two days (with the exception of the weeks I was very sick -- damn this winter!) without some form of a workout, be it calisthenics, karate practice or class, kobudo practice, or punching and kicking the bag. I feel better than I have since I was 19. So I've got that going for me. Now if only I can figure out what to do about a proper hairstyle...

Gimme a Theme Song (or Three)

Mike — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 05:43:59 +0000

Driving home at 3am last night, it occurred to me that I need a theme song (which you'd already know if you follow my Twitter feed). In fact, everyone should have one. Something to at once provide a jolt of energy and convey mood to all those around us. Something without lyrics, that would explain itself in the beat, the pitch, and the tone. It worked for Peter Griffin, right? It occurred to me, then, that we actually need three. Well, at least three, but I feel these three, if written correctly, can be adapted to just about any situation we might encounter. They are as follows: Walking Speaks for itself, yes? To follow the Squirt's example, why walk when you can strut? Why stand when you can dance? I sure as hell am not going to do it without music, so why not have something blaring away as I stroll down the street? I heard Flogging Molly's "Requiem for a Dying Song" on Sirius last night and it's damn close; strip out the lyrics and place close attention during the chorus and you'll feel it. To be done right, it would need a variety of beats. Something while standing and waiting at the DMV. Something to soothe one in the security line at the airport. Something to make one's way through a crowd to. Something to drive to! Someone on the radio said no car should be driven without the theme to Pee-Wee's Big Adventure blaring from the radio. Not bad, if perhaps a little over the top. Along the same line, consider the theme to The Simpsons. You can't tell me Danny Elfman wouldn't be perfect to pen this one for us. Fighting When that pinhead from the next cubicle steals the last donut from the break room, it's time to cue up the Fight Music. It should also be good for everything from unbridled road rage to the controlled power of a sparring match, from pushing that last rep into the air or punching through that last lap. It gets the blood pumping and keeps it that way, fueling fight and flight alike. Pantera's "Cowboys from Hell" works, but it's way too obvious. Mötley Crüe's "Kickstart My Heart" works in the gym, but it's too cheery for life-and-death situations or when you just need to beat some poor bastard's face in for pinching your girl's arse. It needs to be mean and offensive. It needs to shock the enemy. Thus I give you Metallica's cover of Anti-Nowhere League's "So What" (most certainly not safe for work). "But wait, Mike!" you might be saying. "It has lyrics!" To that I say "so what?" Rules were meant to be broken. Deal. Loving I was tempted to label this one fucking, but according to the Wife, that's not an appropriate term for all bedroom entanglements. Thus this one is the trickiest of the three, as it has to cover those tender Barry White/Marvin Gaye moments and those times you go so fast and so hard you think your nut is going to blast her through the bedroom wall. Want metal? I suggest Judas Priest's "Turbo Lover". It works. Even after you remember Rob Halford is gay halfway through the song (and the lovin'). Trust me. If you were thinking "Lick It Up", I will queue up my Fight Music right now. Although John is probably going to recommend "Swallow That Load" (do I really need to warn you this link is not safe for work?), which I will allow just to see the hilarity that ensues. Our conundrum here is lyrics. If the song is going to tell us what to do, then we may as well watch pr0n. "Pause it, honey! I'm not there yet!" Not quite my thing. Or hers. Not to mention if I asked her to try some of the things on the Internet, she'd have me castrated. The old '70s Disco tracks are lame and cliche, so they're out, and I don't want to hear what I'm fairly certain came out of the automatic mode on a $50 synthesizer in the '80s stuff, either. (Jesus, why do I even know this?) So once again we have to recruit someone to pen us something that alternates from wild to wonderful to fit the varying cadences of carnal desire. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Les Claypool. Jam that bass for us, my brother. There Is No Number Four Crying music came to mind. You know, sad stuff. Bah, I say. Leave that one for the chicks to figure out for themselves. They can recruit Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond and pass around the tissue boxes at their Pampered Chef parties. If you're a dude and something's about to get you crying, cue up your Fight Music and knock that wuss crap down deep. Or at least use it to conceal the way you're blubbering like a little girl because you just watched Tommy's father die at the baseball game in last season's finale of Rescue Me. (Yeah, that's right, cried! Don't make me cue up my Fight Music again!) In Conclusion I have more time on my hands than I thought.

Pansperminated (Redux)

Mike — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 06:05:28 +0000

A Columbia University professor has presented evidence that meteorites carried a payload of amino acids to Earth, thus delivering the building blocks of life to our planet. This reinforces the concept of panspermia, which I've blogged about several times in the past. It has yet to be proven amino acids spontaneously developed into life, but if these findings are proven we know that there are more building blocks for life out there. We have to wonder not only where these acids may have come from, but where else they may have been delivered. I may not (yet) buy it that there are aliens cruising our atmosphere, but I disagree with the average Joe's assertion that were unique or special in this big universe. I hope, too, that the scientists will investigate the source of the meteorites. It seems more likely they'd have come from within our solar system, but the implications are huge if they came from extra-solar space.

Rockin' the Green Belt

Mike — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 04:01:15 +0000

I made green belt tonight! The official title is gokyu, which roughly translates to fifth-level student. Purple and three levels of brown belts are still ahead. I'm eager to learn my next kata, Naihanchi sho: It looks like a fun kata to learn and perform, but it also lets me geek out about karate history and my style's lineage a bit. The last Okinawan in the Shuri-ryu line, Choki Motobu, felt this kata taught everything one needed to know to become a fighter. Motobu in turn learned it from Anko Itosu and Bushi Matsumura, both of whom are important names in almost all styles. In other words, this is the first kata I learn that many other Shuri-te-related styles appear to interpret the same way we do in Shuri-ryu. Unlike the two Chinese kata I know, Anaku and Wansu, I feel like I could show up at another dojo, perform Naihanchi, and not get a bunch of funny looks from the crowd. Cool stuff. To me, anyway. The only killer is I probably have to wait until next week to start learning it.

Don't Hold Your Breath

Mike — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 17:17:52 +0000

There are two stories today that may impact the future of gas prices. First, a huge oil field has been discovered in North America, and second, scientists have genetically engineered corn to break down its own cell walls. Well and good, but I'm not going to hold my breath. The oil discovery is important because it could, theoretically, reduce our dependence on foreign oil sources and increase our supply, thus driving down costs. However, the eco nuts and the NIMBYs will slow things down (if not bring it to a screeching halt). They'll complain about everything from the disruption of some ant colonies to the ugly derricks pumping oil all day, and they'll hold things up in the courts as long as they can. I'm not a big fan of the idea of tearing up the land for a fuel we're trying to move away from anyway, but the need for oil is immediate. The nation's fleets of cars and trucks aren't going away any time soon, even if Honda were to miraculously put a cheap, reliable, zero-emissions, solar-powered car on the market tomorrow. The nuts and bolts of our economy are tied to sending money overseas to people who could cut off our supply with the turn of a valve. Oil prices are driving up transportation costs, transportation costs are driving up the costs of goods, and we're not seeing corresponding increases in our payrolls. I'm no economist so I'm not going to say it's the number one factor for the recession we're in, but you can't tell me the economy wouldn't recover some if people were able to go back to paying even $2.00/gallon for gas. So it's ethanol to the rescue, right? The biggest problem facing ethanol right now is the energy expense in breaking down the cellulose to get the energy out of corn and other biofuel sources. Researchers have been trying a number of methods, most involving bacteria and enzymes from various sources, both natural and engineered. In the story I linked above, lab rats managed to cram a cow gene into corn to make it develop an enzyme that breaks the corn itself down. Rather than introducing enzymes in the production cycle, the corn suicides and eliminates that step altogether. This is great news for the future, presuming it doesn't continue to impact corn pricing as a food staple. When feed becomes more expensive, meat will become more expensive and we'll be trading rising oil costs for rising food costs. In theory, anyway. It will also be some time before this goes into widespread production, and it doesn't solve the problem of the existing fleets of vehicles. There aren't enough ethanol vehicles on the market to impact the oil supply and do anything about gas prices. End result: we'll be bending over at the pumps for the foreseeable future. How's that for a cheery thought of the day?

This is Still Your Modern World

Mike — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:40:32 +0000

There's a Czechoslovakian man who believes aliens are trying to assassinate him. Meteorites have struck his house five times in the past several months, and because this defies the odds, he's concluded it must be aliens. Now, I can understand the thought popping into his head. I once heard a thunk in my car and thought it might be a bomb (which, 13 years later, still amuses my wife to no end). How, though, do you hold on to this thought for more than a few seconds and not laugh about it? Let's just assume for a moment that the aliens are out there. What does this guy do for a living that might make him a target? What could he possibly have done that could rouse their ire? Maybe they're just doing it for the giggles, like some cosmic meatspace version of the Flying Spaghetti Monster game. Even better is he's reinforced the roof of his house to protect himself. Does this mean he thinks he's safe if he's having a beer at the local pub? Or if he checks into a hotel room every time it rains? Rather than spend all that money, why not just move? If the meteorites follow him to his new house, then it might be worth entertaining the notion of intelligent guidance behind the meteorites. I can't help but laugh at the image of him hiding under a table every time it rains. It makes me wonder what else he's doing about it, like holding a rifle across his lap and shooting back when a new meteorite hits. We should put him in touch with Troy Hurtubise so they can turn the Angel Light into a superweapon and mount it on an Ursus Bearsuit to battle the aliens. Or at the very least he should file a grievance with the Vogons. Shifting from the extraterrestrial to the divine, there's a story in India about a girl born with two faces. Obviously that means she's a reincarnated goddess. People from neighboring villages are already worshiping her as such, and the parents will not allow doctors to give the girl a CT scan. I love it. When a goat is born with two faces or a cat is born with one eye, it's a deformity. At the very least, superstitious or religious (pick your poison) folk will call it a curse or a bad omen. When it happens to a child, though? She's a goddess! Can't go tying bad mojo to our precious little babies! "Misfortune and mutation my ass, it's a blessing!" As with all things religious, it's all so arbitrary and convenient. Taken together, these are a good example of how quickly people turn to paranormal or supernatural explanations for things they don't understand. It doesn't matter that one guy lives in a modern culture and the others in a Third World village; they both jump to extreme conclusions. Welcome to your modern world.

Smoke Blog: Macanudo Maduro

Mike — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 16:46:07 +0000

Despite the chill winds Wednesday evening I grabbed a short Macanudo Maduro from the humidor and sat outside to smoke while I read a friend's manuscript to offer him advice. Maduros are not always my first choice, but I do enjoy a good one from time to time and I could tell from the taste of the wrapper, even before lighting, that I was going to like this one. I wasn't wrong. This maduro had a bold flavor with a hint of chocolate, but lacked the bitter spice that accompanies many maduros. Its smooth, even draw held up to the stiff breeze with no sign of tunneling. The ash sustained itself until I tapped it off myself, and it produced plenty of nice, thick smoke to blow around. I think my daughter thought my lungs were on fire. Next time I'm in the mood for a maduro, this Macanudo will do the job nicely. As for the manuscript, I enjoyed it as well. If all goes well for the writer, maybe I'll be blogging about it again by year's end.

The King and His Throne

Mike — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 22:15:43 +0000

The King and His Throne Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Even Conan never had it so good. Our elementary school is going Apple next year, and we saved a few bucks by ordering the equipment early so it's already here. I have three 52 Weeks pics to take yet (because I'm a slacker), so I thought it would be cool to work them in. Now comes the hard part of unboxing all those suckers and setting them up... The first two or three are like Christmas, but after that it gets old quick.

Smoke Blog: Don Tomas Cameroon Collection

Mike — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 17:26:52 +0000

Cigars with a Cameroon wrapper are very popular, but I tend to find their taste a little harsh, especially in the finish. I've been told maybe I just had bad luck with cigars or brands, or perhaps I just don't like the blends certain brands use. I much prefer the Connecticut shade wrappers like my go-to smoke, the Romeo y Julieta Reserva Real, but I'll continue to try Cameroon-wrapped smokes and see if I can't narrow down the problem. It's with this in mind I lit up the Don Tomas Cameroon last week. It came as part of a robusto sampler pack I ordered a while back, and I wanted to give it some time in the humidor so there would be no lingering dryness from shipping that may affect the flavor. It lit easily, and the draw was fine. My luck with sturdy cigars in the face of spring breezes continued with the Don Tomas, as I had no trouble even as the cold started to numb my fingers. The cigar had a fine ash and produced thick smoke. But there was that odd tang to the finish again. Not altogether unpleasant, but I found myself pining for one of my Reservas instead. Perhaps next time I'll have to try a Cameroon with a beer or a glass of whiskey and see if that doesn't level things out. I'm almost certain some good smokes I've sampled in the past have been wrapped in Cameroon tobacco, but it seems like when this flavor appears, it's in a smoke with a Cameroon wrapper. This week I'll be visiting New Trends with John. I'll have to chat up the owner, Mark, and see if he can offer some insight or tell me I'm just nuts. While we discuss it, I think I'll have a nice Avo Classic.

Productivity Update

Mike — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 04:43:52 +0000

I get asked once or twice a week how things are going with my writing, and given it's been a while since I've talked about things here, I thought I'd save a few emails this week. These are the most active and/or most asked about projects. POWERLESS I'm proofreading the existing material, which is about eight chapters long. There's a lot of clean-up to be done, but not as many changes as I feared. About a thousand words will be excised completely, and then I'll fill a gap back in and continue on with the rest of the book. I'm pondering a prologue as well. The good news here is I have a publisher eager to see it. The bad news is it's my German publisher, so my English-reading fans may have to wait a while. The middle news is I've got a project in the works with a US small press and, once things settle, he may be willing to take a look Powerless. That other project is still under wraps for the time being. TO CONFRONT THE ENEMY/TO RISE FROM THE ASHES The first draft of To Confront the Enemy is finished and one of my early readers responded with positive marks. To Rise from the Ashes is plotted but has not been started. Both are novella-length and I do have a publisher I want to send a complete package to. However, these have been back-burnered because I need to finish Top Secret Novella for the small press publisher mentioned above. TOP SECRET NOVELLA There's not much I can tell you at this point, other than it needs to be finished before the Top Secret Book it is part of can be published. The publisher's working through a few things which buys me some time (which is fortunate for my schedule), but I don't want to keep him hanging much longer. This should have been done a long time ago. MUY MAL Poor, neglected Muy Mal. The sad fact is the pay projects have to be a priority, especially with at least one of those projects already under contract. No way I'll finish by our June suspension date, but I'll just leave it open until I can get the story of Troy and Delilah finished. WEREWOLVES: CALL OF THE WILD There are currently no plans to continue Call of the Wild in its current form, much as I would like to. I've been invited to contribute stories about the characters (including a few you haven't met yet) in anthologies, but it's just not feasible to continue the series. I'm feeling a lot of possibilities for the characters, though, and I have at least three more arcs in mind, so I've talked to someone about another possibility. Stay tuned for updates. WOUNDED GODS Wounded Gods is, in a sense, sold. It has a 90% chance of seeing print, though not quite in the same format originally intended. Unfortunately there's not a lot I can tell you at this point, but there's definite interest from a third party in seeing this sucker in print. As with Call of the Wild, stay tuned. OTHER COMICS WORK Another common question is "when is your next comic coming out?" Good question. I've got yet another project in the deep planning stages, and there's interest in it as well. I'm glad to see a lot of people enjoyed Call of the Wild enough to keep chasing my work, but at the moment there's not a lot to report. OTHER PROSE WORK As I type this, I was invited to contribute a short story to an anthology. I'm sure I'll be taking the editor up on their invitation, but at the moment I'm exhausted and will crash out when this post is posted. OVERDUE BOOKS Yes, both In Laymon's Terms and Brimstone Turnpike are very, very late. No, I don't have any idea when they'll actually see print. SHORT STORY COLLECTION It is to laugh. I'm flattered at the thought, but honestly, I'm not sure enough of my back catalog warrants a collection. I'd probably want to write all new stuff - or at least half new stuff - and I just don't have the time to make that commitment right now. The closest to this will be the reprinting of "To Fight With Monsters" and To Travel Among Men with the aforementioned To Confront the Enemy and To Rise from the Ashes. I think that about covers it. As always, thanks for the interest, it's greatly appreciated it. Now I just need to get my sorry ass to work and live up to some of the expectations.

Smoke Blog: La Gloria Cubana

Mike — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 04:50:38 +0000

I'd never heard of La Gloria Cubana before I received this robusto in a set, but I'm always willing to try something new. This particular cigar had a rich, brown wrapper and a sturdy feel. A hint of spice came off the cap when I lit up. My first impression was good. That didn't last long. It took some doing to light this cigar, and that spicy flavor intensified and stabbed at the tip of my tongue for a minute or two. Next it refused to smoke evenly, and insisted on canoeing after a few attempts at solving the problem with the lighter. I was just about to chuck it in the fire pit when it mellowed. Halfway through, the burn evened itself out and the bitter spice went away. Despite the canoeing early on, the ash clung on at an awkward angle for nearly half the smoke before a wind gust knocked it off. The cigar was much better from there on, and I smoked it down to my fingers. It seems strange to me that the characteristics could take a 180-degree turn halfway through, but that's exactly what this La Gloria Cubana did. I'm wondering if the tip dried out for whatever reason, or if it was just a bum smoke. I did struggle with my humidor over the winter, but it's been fine for weeks now, at least a month or so. If I can find some reviews saying they're typically as good as the second half of the smoke, I wouldn't hesitate to buy a few more. Until then, I'll continue to stick with my Reserva Reals.

Tweets for 2008-04-16

Mike — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 04:59:59 +0000

Choked a little on the first Naihanchi run but nailed the rest. #
Otep's cover of Nirvana's "Breed" is on Sirius Faction. Not too shabby, actually. #
@LordShaper That's because most of us live on the cool side of the planet. #
Funniest thing about running a spam filter is seeing all the stupidity people subscribe to. Diet programs seem popular among our teachers. #
@davidaprice I've only seen a few Cash Cab episodes, but I would so own that show. Seems like he keeps finding idiots. #
I have a dog. I have a cat. Why can't they talk to me like Satchel & Bucky in Get Fuzzy? #
Holy crap it's gorgeous out! I need to find an excuse to stay home after lunch. #
@jimohagan Tried that once. Was asked how it would be any different from my normal behavior. #
@davidaprice Fingers crossed, my man. #
Headed out to read "Fox in Socks" to my son's kindergarten class. #
@jimohagan I don't know, reading "Fox in Socks" upside down so the kids can see the pictures was tough enough. :) #
I wish reading audiences at conventions were as attentive as these kindergarteners! #
Posted the Ad Clerum theme to my website. Pictures will probably change over time, and that background's gotta go, but I like the layout. #
Pizza night. Midget says he wants anchovies. Hmm. Wonder if I can talk Wife into it... #
New pizza place had excellent pizza but no anchovies. C'est la vie. Now for a smoke. #

Blast from the Past

Mike — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 14:41:08 +0000

A post on Boing Boing today discusses a website blending science fiction and Westerns. That put me in mind of an old cartoon series called The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers. When I was a kid, I loved that show. My brother and our friends used to play Galaxy Rangers on the playground, and we'd argue over who got to be Shane Gooseman, the Clint Eastwood-type anti-hero of the team. I did a little digging and found out that show was made 22 years ago. Holy crap, time flies. I also found the show's intro and theme song on YouTube: How '80s is that music? Yow. Looks like the DVD hits next month. I just may be introducing the Midget and the Squirt to this one.

Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On

Mike — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:25:45 +0000

It's all over the news, but for those of you who haven't heard yet, there was a 5.2-5.4 magnitude quake in southern Illinois this morning, and yes, we felt it up here. Given I've already fielded one phone call and a couple emails from friends who don't live in the region, I thought I'd go ahead and post a note saying yes, everything is fine here. I appreciate the notes of concern! The quake shook our house pretty good, and I wasn't sure if some heavy vehicles were rolling through (highly unlikely on our street) or if it was indeed a quake. It woke the Wife and I, but the kids all slept through it. I'm sure that'll be the big topic at school today, though. Not that I'll hear any of it; I took a vacation day to hang out with John, who is at that tail end of his vacation. We'll be hanging out, browsing places full of big, shiny, electronics like Best Buy and Fry's, and no doubt dropping by to visit New Trends for a cigar. If I'm really lucky, one of them will have the new Canon Digital Rebel XSi in stock.

And I Lived to Tell About It

Mike — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 04:25:01 +0000

A month ago, I made it a goal to run 10 times in 4 weeks. Having never been a runner, I wasn't sure I'd make it. Tonight I'm happy to report I just barely met the goal: Tonight's run was very uneven (I didn't drink near enough fluids this weekend and my calves are paying the price), but it's there and it turned out to be my longest distance so far. 3.41km may not sound like a lot to many people, but I think it's pretty damn good for a 200+ pound guy who's about as fond of running as the Pope is of death metal music. On a side note, I've only been posting occasional workout or fitness information here because I don't want to bore anyone with it. For those of you who are interested in more detail, some friends and I have started up a separate blog called Burn With Us. The contributors are all looking to get in better shape, and we felt a group blog would be a great way to encourage one another and share our experiences. Drop on by and check it out.

Smoke Blog: Romeo y MacBook Pro

Mike — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 22:32:19 +0000

The Only Way to Write Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I've often thought about taking a laptop out with me when I smoke, but the battery in my old Dell laptop is down to about 10 minutes of juice and I've gotten out of the habit. Yesterday it dawned on me I've got a shiny new MacBook Pro in my bag and I get over three hours on a charge, so I thought it might be worth trying again. I grabbed the laptop, my new Xikar lighter, and a Romeo y Julieta Reserva Real and headed out to the patio. For starters, the cigar was excellent. I'm down to three Reals from last year's box, and this cigar reassured me I made the right choice in purchasing another box of them on Friday. The creamy wrapper and full (yet smooth) flavor was a genuine pleasure, and I had no problem sitting with it for damn near two hours, smoking well past sundown. The finish on the Reals is very gentle, and this one left me with a heady buzz. Even better, I got several hundred new words written on Top Secret Novella. I rewrote the opening yet again, and I think the story will be stronger for it. The cigar didn't get in the way at all as I punched the keys, and I trusted the sturdy Real not to drop premature ash onto my keyboard. I don't feel the need to smoke a cigar every time I write, but it sure doesn't seem to hurt me any. I'll be trying it again in the future, I'm sure.

Return of Your Modern World

Mike — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 19:27:41 +0000

Only you can prevent penis theft. Wha...? It would seem the Congolese think penis theft is a legitimate problem, and it's led to a number of beatings and lynchings. It's like a perverse take on stealing a child's nose: "I've got your dick! Yes I do!" Sadly, unlike your average four-year-old child, these idiots actually believe it.

"The Deadly Gender" Imminent

Mike — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:16:44 +0000

We're getting closer and closer to the release of Das Tödliche Geschlecht, the German-language edition of Deadliest of the Species from Otherworld Verlag. I'm told the German title translates to "the deadly gender," which I think is a fair approximation. The original title is derived from a Kipling quote:

"For the female of the species is more deadly than the male."

I'm assuming Kipling has been translated into German, so it shouldn't be lost on my German readers any more than the average US reader. The publisher has also sent me the final version of the cover art. It's not changed much from previous versions of shared with you, they simply touched up the blood and the woman's eyes. They say we should see release on schedule in June. I'm excited, because this edition is probably going to have the largest print run to date of all my solo work and will probably see the most readers. I've been asked if it bums me out that the original English edition hasn't seen a wider reprint yet, and I have to say no, I'm not. Readers are readers, whatever language they speak or read. I'm a writer, and while it would be nice to make a living off of it and see more success in my home country, I just want to be read.

Gross Anatomy

Mike — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 20:10:47 +0000

From a distance, the human body is a thing of beauty. Get up close, though, and things start to break down. And I'm about to tell you about one of the more intimate places things break down. If you're at all squeamish or the type to scream "too much information!" at the merest hint of something personal, you'll probably want to surf elsewhere. No, seriously, scram. Vamoose. Get lost. The rest of you still with me? You're sure. Okay, here we go, starting with a new post title: MORE THAN YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MIKE'S ASS BECAUSE YOU WERE AFRAID TO ASK So I found this lump in my asshole this morning. Late last night and early this morning I kept feeling like I had a turtle head going on, but the feeling didn't fade, even after my morning constitutional. I still didn't think much of it as I climbed into the shower. I shampooed. Ran through a kata's techniques. Soaped up a rag. Started washi-- what in the hell was that? I damn near jumped out of the shower when I felt it. Not too painful, but enough to get a man's attention, especially when it's radiating from the rim of his sphincter like this was. At first I thought it might be a hernia. Maybe I pulled or popped something during last night's karate workout. Maybe the loaded push-ups were a bit too much, and now my guts are flying apart like a ball of rubber bands. But no, that didn't make sense. If I had a hernia, I'd be in a lot more pain. At least, I think I would. I made another tentative probe and then it hit me: It's a hemorrhoid! I've got the frickin' piles. I'm officially old. Reading through the Wikipedia page did not exactly fill me with glee, either. Phrases like "manually reduce," "rubber band ligation," and "transanal hemorrhoidal dearterialization" are enough to set me clenching, kicking off another quick jolt of pain. And I sure as hell don't want to go through a doppler guided hemorrhoidal artery ligation. I don't know what it is, but I could have gone my whole life without ever hearing that phrase in relation to my own anus. Really. I have visions of doctors shrinking a B-2 like the sub in Fantastic Voyage and sending it in to take care of business.

"I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."

Which begs the question, should I see a doctor? How bad could a colonoscopy be, anyway? *clickety-click* Aaagh! Aaaagghh!! AAAAAGGGHHH!!! Damn you, YouTube. Damn you to Hell. Especially for what starts around timestamp 2:30 in that second link. (Come on. You know you want to look.) Needless to say, I'll be starting with my own treatments, thank you. I think a nice hot bath tonight will be in order. In the meantime, I've dismantled the porcelain library. Getting sucked into magazine articles for a half hour after pinching off a couple brownies probably hasn't been doing me any favors. I'm also drinking plenty of water today to hydrate up, and I'll hit the Metamucil hard for some (obviously) much-needed fiber. At work I slapped together a standing desk and I've managed to stay on my feet all day except for a few minutes to eat lunch. Samurai Jack remains ever vigilant in front of the monitors. Maybe he could put that little sword to use. A more drastic measure may be the serious investigation of a squat toilet. I've read about them before, and the claim is Eastern cultures employing squat toilets have a far lower incidence of things like hemorrhoids than the Western world. Squat toilets are so prevalent out that way that they've even become an Olympic problem for China. It does look a bit awkward, but right now I'd be game to try it. Gravity rules. All I can do now is hope this thing fades, and cross my fingers that it's not actually a perianal hematoma. (Tell me that's not a tasty after-dinner picture!) The blue tinge may be the giveaway, but I'm not sure how I'm going to get my wife to take a look for me. This isn't exactly something one volunteers for, you know? Maybe I should go into the bathroom, strip down, grab my ankles, aim for the door, and call her in. I'm sure that will go over great. Nothing helps a hemorrhoid like a size 8 shoe wedged up your ass. I'll let you know.

The Evil That Men Do

Mike — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 02:05:51 +0000

People sometimes ask me how I can write the things I do, or how I can come up with these ideas. I've been told I shouldn't "wallow in darkness," and people have told me they will pray for me so I don't somehow get tainted or corrupted by evil. I've even been asked if I really thought people are capable of doing these things. I think most of them have forgotten their history classes. I'm often astounded by man's capacity for evil, and people have done things that I could never even imagine. Take the Austrian man who imprisoned his own daughter in a cellar for 24 years, raped her repeatedly, and even sired 7 children with her, all while living a normal life with his wife upstairs. One of the children died shortly after birth, and he burned the body in an oven. Three of the children have never seen the light of day. Tell me this isn't the very definition of evil. Crimes like rape and murder are vicious in their own way, but I can't imagine the will it must take to perpetrate something like this for over two decades. To keep one's wife in the dark and make nice with the neighbors for all that time. A big story closer to home is a couple who murdered their child through neglect. These people put their 5-month-old child -- still bundled in winter clothing and strapped into his car seat -- in his crib, then walked away and ignored him for eight days. The lead graf of the article spells out the results:

Neglected for eight straight days, 5-month-old Benjamin Sargent died from a combination of dehydration, starvation and sepsis, a toxic infection that was caused by "sitting (for days) in his own waste material," Peoria County Coroner Johnna Ingersoll told a coroner's jury Thursday.

Again, I can't even begin to understand the minds of these people. How do you ignore the screams of a child for hours -- days! -- on end? I start to get nervous when my kids sleep for longer than usual, and these people sat around waiting for their child to die. I can picture them turning up the TV to drown out the wailing, wishing the kid would just die already. Yet I'm the bad guy for thinking these people should get sent to the chair. I'm the evil one for writing about make-believe monsters. My soul is in jeopardy for confining the darkness I see in the world to paper. I've got a good life and a loving family, but I'm the one going to Hell. Lose the rose-colored glasses, people. They don't suit you.

Just Buy The Damned Comic

Mike — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 19:05:09 +0000

I Got Mine! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I got my copy of The Damned by Cullen Bunn and Brian Hurtt today. I've been looking forward to this since the first mini wrapped a year or so ago. Demons and gangsters... what's not to love? It's the kind of idea that I wish I would have thought of, an idea that makes me hate Cullen with the scorching heat of 1,000 suns. Then he buys me margaritas and it all goes away.

It Will Swallow Your Head

Mike — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:02:34 +0000

Nay, your very soul! CNN has a video of a giant squid that, fortunately for the dude in the tank with it, is dead. At least I hope it is, for his sake. "Not dead which eternal lie" and all that.

Two Wheels of Terror

Mike — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:03:42 +0000

I'm giving serious thought to purchasing a motorcycle again. Specifically the Honda Shadow VLX. The out-of-control gas prices are what made me think about bikes in the first place, and it's become a stronger argument this summer as prices continue to creep upward. According to this chart, I should expect to get about 50 miles per gallon on a Shadow, which will make trips to our second campus at work or to things like karate class a lot cheaper than if I were to take the family van at 20-22 miles per gallon. It also lets me leave the van with the wife and kids should they need it, without the extra expense of a car as the second vehicle. There's still a nagging fear in the back of my head, though. I only learned to ride last year, and while the course put me at ease about my own riding, there's always that concern about some pinhead pulling out in front of me or merging into me in traffic. On top of that, I have yet to get seat time on anything more than a parking lot course. My father-in-law offered to let me take his GoldWing for a spin, but I can hardly even get my stubby legs over the seat, much less get them to touch the ground while I'm on it. A co-worker offered to let me ride his Shadow ACE, but if I dumped it I'd feel horrible so I took a pass. On the other hand, I know riders who have been on their bikes over 30 years without incident. What's more, statistics show that the overwhelming majority of riders (better than 90% if I remember right) of motorcycle accidents involve riders who are self-taught and/or who are riding under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Just taking that $20 course put me ahead of most riders on the road before I even get on the bike. I'm also told that fear is good for the rider. You stay more alert, more aware of your surroundings. When you're expecting that pinhead to merge into you, you're reacting before he even starts to move. It's when you get tired or careless that you start to have a problem. This morning it occurred to me I felt the same way when I first took driver's ed in high school. I remember standing out front, watching people pick up their kids or watching other students pick up their friends, and being amazed at how easy they made it look. I used to wonder if I'd ever be that comfortable behind the wheel, even if I'd ever be as good at driving as they seemed to be. A year later, the car was just an extension of my body. I picked up my brother and one of his friends after practice one afternoon, and I realized I was doing the same thing as the people I had been watching. Driving really is easy, and I was as good as those other people. I've been watching motorcyclists with the same awe. They've been out in droves with the warmer weather, and they cruise along just like the cars around them. It's all about experience, and you've got to start somewhere. The good news is we have miles and miles of open road out here in the boonies, unlike the crowded suburban streets I learned to drive a car on. I'd always wanted to learn to ride a motorcycle, and I've accomplished that much. Now it's time to give some serious thought to taking it to the next level. What better time than spring?

Yes, I'm Buying GTA IV

Mike — Thu, 01 May 2008 16:33:14 +0000

And the protesters and crybabies can kiss my ass. So it's the "gravest assault upon children in this country since polio," is it? Shut up, douche. Some of us are smart enough not to play the game when the kids are around. Some of us actually have the balls to tell our children "no" when they want something. Some of us have the balls to take something away from our children if they somehow manage to get a hold of it themselves. Some of us even have the balls to tell other parents that they're idiots if they're unwilling to do any of the above. Finally, some of us have the ability to separate reality from a video game! You don't want to shoot up a city and get lap dances? That's fine. Obviously this game isn't for you. Don't buy it, don't play it, don't watch the footage. The rest of us are going to kill us some hookers.

Revenge of Your Modern World

Mike — Tue, 06 May 2008 20:25:47 +0000

A Florida teacher has been fired because -- I kid you not -- he's been accused of wizardry. When Tim sent me the article, I wasn't sure whether to laugh or scream. In a nutshell, this guy performed a magic trick with a toothpick in front of a middle school class and he got fired for it. I first have to laugh that someone is dumb enough to believe this guy performed an actual feat of magic and not simple sleight of hand. I also find it funny that their school board had the stones to actually list this, on record, as a reason for his termination. This makes the Kansas state board of ed look progressive. On the other side of it, I find it infuriating. I work in education myself, and I'm seeing one of two scenarios going on: 1) they needed an excuse to get rid of the guy and they used this parental complaint to do it; 2) a parent complained, and rather than stick up for the teacher they dropped the hammer. The other reasons cited for his termination (not following lesson plans, letting students on unapproved computers) are very flimsy reasons for termination, especially if the guy was in a tenured position. Hidden reasons or not, terminating the guy for alleged wizardry is beyond ridiculous. What's next, Pasco County? Adopting the Malleus Maleficarum into your school board policies?

I Love My New Camera

Mike — Tue, 06 May 2008 21:32:37 +0000

Sai Master Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I've not played with it a lot yet, but I'm already in love with my new Canon EOS Rebel XSi. It's pictures are light years ahead of what my old PowerShot G2 could accomplish (not unexpected), and it amazes me how much faster it is in everything from starting up to focusing to rapid shooting (not to mention continuous shooting). Yesterday the Midget decided he wanted to use a karate frame for his Show & Share (same as what we used to call Show & Tell), so what better way to populate it than take a new pic with the new camera? He put on his gi, decided he wanted to use Daddy's sai, and I sent him out to the yard to go nuts. I could nitpick a few piddly things about the photo above, but we're both thrilled with the way it came out. I haven't decided if it's the best of the bunch, but it's definitely the one he wants for the frame. I'm looking forward to really putting it through its paces this summer and getting more creative.

Machinery of Death

Mike — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:35:55 +0000

Scientists have released more photos of the colossal squid I mentioned last week, and it's not good. Hook-lined tentacles, sharp beak, ovaries capable of holding thousands of eggs... this thing was made to kill, eat, and breed, period. I'd sooner swim with a shark. The ocean will kill us all.

Meet Eve

Mike — Sun, 11 May 2008 02:59:22 +0000

Eve Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Let the mid-life crisis jokes commence: I bought a bike. She's a 1995 Yamaha Virago, a small cruiser with a 250cc engine. I've dubbed her Eve after learning what virago meant. Her previous owner took wonderful care of her and she's got less than 3000 miles on her. Not a bad find at all. Now to review my Motorcycle Safety Foundation materials one more time before taking her for a spin. Incidentally, if you're thinking about learning to ride, I strongly recommend the MSF courses. They teach you a lot more than "here's the gas, here's the clutch, enjoy," and in Illinois it's a steal at only $20.

The Gap Years

Mike — Mon, 12 May 2008 03:12:54 +0000

"How come you haven't written any novels since Deadliest of the Species, Mike?" I have, actually. They just suck. Okay, I'll rephrase that: they're far from ready for publication, because with both I decided their execution was off. Way off. So far off that they need to be rewritten from the ground up, and I don't have time to do that because I started on Powerless, wrote a comic, and worked (or am working) on a handful of smaller prose projects. On top of which I'm thinking Powerless is the best of the three and will make a great follow-up (at last) to Deadliest. I may still dust them off at some point, but I imagine they'll remain trunk novels for some time. Hell, maybe they'll become discoveries after I hit the big time and die early. Though if that's the case, I hope my wife and/or executors have the sense to hire a good manuscript doctor to work them over, because they'll definitely need it.

What's in a Name?

Mike — Tue, 13 May 2008 16:34:20 +0000

I've been hollered at about my byline again. "Is it Mike or Michael? Pick one!" Truth be told, I like having Michael on my prose work, and Mike on my comics. Those names just seem to fit the respective fields. However, most people call me Mike, and of course my main domain name is mikeoliveri.com, so readers, editors and publishers tend to think of me as Mike. More than once I've had to correct a byline in a proof copy, which sometimes prompts said hollering. The only reason I don't have michaeloliveri.com is another guy beat me to it. An artist, no less, with gallery showings and everything, so it's not like the domain name is just sitting there. Also, mikeoliveri.com was a Christmas gift from John way back when, and I've just kept it going. I did buy michaeloliveri.info and michael-oliveri.com a couple years back, but I didn't want to muddle things further if people ended up at michaeloliveri.com while trying to remember the hyphen or the .info. On the Google front, the artist Oliveri and I are deadlocked for the first page when searching for "michael oliveri". Search for "mike oliveri", however, and I've pretty much got him licked. Our respective domain names are at the 1 and 2 spot of both pages, and probably always will be. So the question becomes, what do you folks think? Should I just shift my entire byline over to Mike Oliveri and use it on the prose from now on? Or does Michael sound better? Is it really as confusing as some people fear?

Just Like Riding a Bike

Mike — Thu, 15 May 2008 02:03:34 +0000

Daddy's Little Biker Girl Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Okay, maybe not quite that easy, but what little I do know about riding a motorcycle did come back to me. The sun finally showed its shiny face this afternoon, so after a sausage and a burger off the grill I felt the urge to take Eve for a spin. I sat down and went over the controls one more time as I let her warm up, then spent a few more minutes getting a feel for the clutch, rolling off in first gear, and finding neutral. The Wife watched me roll to the end of the driveway and back up in neutral several times, then asked "Are you actually going to go anywhere? Just take off, already!" Yeah, time to suck it up. I put on the helmet and riding gloves, checked for traffic, and rolled off. I hit second and rode down to the end of the street, then turned around. A familiar-looking red van came in off the T intersection and followed me back to my house. I pulled over to let them pass, only to find it was one of my poker buddies as he stopped next to me. "You're going to kill yourself, Mike!" Thanks for the support, Pat! We chatted a few minutes, and I assured him I'd be alive to take his money at the next poker game. After he took off, I did a few more circuits up and down the street and around the corner. I twitched the throttle once, but other than that I did fine. I cornered without having to think about it, and I felt comfortable hitting 25mph. I didn't stray far, but I only had a few minutes to kill and I just wanted to get a feel for the bike anyway. I'd say I accomplished that much. As my father-in-law reminded me, if I respect the bike I'll do just fine. If the weather holds up I'll do some more zipping around this weekend.

Interwebitubal Synchronicity

Mike — Fri, 16 May 2008 14:26:19 +0000

A few minutes ago, I spotted an article about bears seeking shelter on the roof of a building. Earlier this morning, I read the following related joke:

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof, so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. 'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks. 'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.' He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. 'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner. 'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

If these things come in threes, I expect I'll be torn apart by a grizzly around noon.

Hallo Deutschland und Österreich!

Mike — Fri, 16 May 2008 15:55:20 +0000

The German edition of Deadliest of the Species, Das Tödliche Geschlecht, is now available for preorder on Amazon.de! How cool is that? Don't worry, English readers. You won't be neglected for much longer.

The Fine Line Between Reality and WTF!?

Mike — Sun, 18 May 2008 14:59:30 +0000

When I dream, I dream weird. There have been many times I woke up and spent a good minute reintroducing myself to reality or reassuring myself that the events of the dream didn't really happen. I had three of those this week. The first dealt with work, and the crux of it wasn't hard to figure out. However, our student body was about ten times its actual number and our lobby and gym were replaced by a giant glass atrium complete with airport-style people movers (only they were about ten feet long). This in turn opened onto a theme-park sized campus area swarming with more students and staff members. The second involved a horror convention and a spontaneous marriage to a fan from Eastern Europe. After the nuptials, I continued to crash with the friends I was rooming with for the con. I woke from that one and had to make sure my wife was still sleeping next to me. The third was the doozy. My great uncle and I had my great aunt's body on a hospital gurney, and we were wheeling her down a desert highway. I decided it would be a good opportunity for an internal anatomy lesson and talked my great uncle into letting me open her up. He hung back about ten yards while I tore her open with my fingers and poked around at her innards. That's when she woke up, smiled, and said "Hi, Michael." We rushed her to an ER, and she's smiling and happy the whole time. The nurses tell her they're going to get her fixed up, and she says "Oh, that's nice" in this special way she used to say it in reality. It's about that time in the dream I realized she was a zombie, and I couldn't figure out why nobody else realized she was a zombie, and that it would only be a matter of moments before she developed a hunger for human brains. Then I woke up, and the only thing I could think of was my great uncle died first, and holy crap that meant he was a zombie, too, and maybe I need to call Zombie Squad or someone, and why in the hell is my wife just lying there asleep while the zombie apocalypse has begun? But the guy on the clock radio is telling me it will be sixty degrees and sunny with no chance of zombies, and oh, right, it's 6:30 and time to get out of bed and get ready for work. I told my wife about the zombie aunt dream. I said "So my great uncle and I are wheeling my aunt's body down a desert highway." "And you're singing Black Sabbath songs?" she interjected. "No, but that would have been bad ass! Why do you say that?" She shrugged. "Sounds like the way things go in your dreams." Perhaps my oddity is infectious. At that point I started to speculate exactly which song we'd be singing. "Paranoid" is a little too fast, and "Iron Man" not quite right. I started to settle on "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" when my wife said "So what else happened in this dream?" "Oh, right." So I told her the rest. "You need help." It's simultaneously a benefit and a curse of getting more sleep. The weeks I stay up late and only average about six hours of sleep a night, this doesn't happen. I push that over seven, closer to eight, and the strangeness begins. I know rapid eye movement is good for me physically, but I'm going to give up on dream analysis because I just don't want to know. In fact, I had a social studies teacher in high school who also taught psych. I told him about a strange dream I had involving frogs embedded in trees who opened their mouths to croak and instead unleashed swarms of locusts. He looked at me funny and said "I couldn't even begin to guess." The real question is do I have these dreams because I write horror, or do I write horror because of these dreams? Would I be better off writing these dreams into my work, or would that just make my work even harder to sell? Should I be writing bizarro fiction instead? There are times, too, where reality just doesn't help. I stumbled downstairs after the work dream, still pondering the meaning of a conversation with a pair of students and a co-worker in the giant glass atrium. I sat down on the couch with the Squirt, who was watching Yo Gabba Gabba. If you've never seen this show before, it does not, in any way, shape, or form, help one re-establish a grip on reality. As I watched, they finished up some freaky monster dance, and then they cut to this dude with wild hair and green glasses. He says "Hi, I'm Mark! I'm going to draw a truck." Holy crap, that's Mark Mothersbaugh! I thought. That's right, a member of Devo was about to draw a truck for me. He drew a flatbed truck, and decided it needed cargo. So he drew a giant frozen chicken in the back. Then he gave it a steering wheel and wheels, and it drove away. I blinked a few times, then played it back on the DVR. Mark Mothersbaugh. Chicken. Truck drives away. My wife walked into the room. "I am awake, right?" I asked her. She gave me her trademark oh-great-he's-lost-his-mind-again look and backed out of the room slowly. More weirdness ensued on Yo Gabba Gabba. I asked the Squirt if he liked this show. "Uh-uh," he said. "Does it suck?" "Uh huh." I flipped on the guide on the DVR. "Want to watch Power Rangers instead?" "Yeah! Pow Wangers!" Not much better in some respects, but at least I didn't feel like I was lost on a dream quest. Dudes in goofy outfits battling giant monsters explains itself; there's no "what's with the chicken?" factor. I half wonder if the Wife put Yo Gabba Gabba on just to mess with my head.

The World is Just Awesome

Mike — Tue, 20 May 2008 16:38:12 +0000

My family is hooked on this Discovery Channel commercial: Apparently Coop is, too; he sent me the audio via multimedia message with his shiny new phone. If the kids start acting up in the car, I press a couple buttons and they're suddenly singing along with the boomdiadas. Personally, I think it's a brilliant bit of advertising: it's eye-catching, it's got a good audio hook, it showcases all of their popular shows, and it has that feel-good quality with that "the world is just awesome" slogan. Another current favorite is a new radio spot for Jimmy John's featuring a stalker. The narrator talks about falling in love with a woman who makes sandwiches. After he talks about the sandwiches, he says he's going to marry her and they will make sandwiches together and the world will be a better place. If she doesn't marry him, he says "she will be very, very sorry." All delivered in the same deadpan manner. Too cool. I tinkered a bit with advertising and marketing in college, weighing it against journalism as a way to make a career out of writing and/or creativity should my writing never take off. It's things like this that make me wish I'd pursued advertising a little harder.

Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

Mike — Tue, 20 May 2008 18:41:49 +0000

DNA Collection Kit Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Our school is distributing DNA collection kids to elementary students. My son's will be promptly round-filed. Like many a well-intentioned-but-flawed process, they're doing this to protect the children. This kit will supposedly help the police locate your child should he be kidnapped, molested, or otherwise run afoul of some Great Evil. Mm-hm. And how, exactly, will that work? If my kids are kidnapped but recovered alive, the feds can draw their DNA and run a paternity test. If the kids are murdered and their otherwise-unidentifiable bodies are turned up in a forest somewhere, well... let's just say it hardly matters at that point. And the odds of the latter scenario taking place approach astronomical, despite what the media would have us believe. So again, how does having my child's DNA (or fingerprints, for that matter) on-hand or in a database help protect my child? Is someone developing some DNA sniffer that will take this sample and then roam the populace in search of my child? I doubt it. Now let's be paranoid the other way and discuss the potential for abuse. With these convenient packets, there's now a huge sample of DNA for a given population available to whoever can get their hands on it. Yes, Gattaca was just a movie, but we don't know where technology is going to take us five, ten, or even twenty years from now when these kids are adults. Abuses could range from discrimination to high-tech identity theft to government monitoring. "C'mon, Mike, that's just sci-fi." Okay, let's bring it a little closer to the present and remove the 1984 factor and consider two scenarios: 1) An insurance company gets their hands on the data. They discover a high incidence of a gene related to colon cancer. The bean counters crunch their numbers and boom, premiums for the area go up. 2) A pharmaceutical company uses the genetic data for research. Iceland sold their genetic database, and all of the same concerns for abuse are there. One theft, unscrupulous employee, well-placed bribe, or new law and your DNA is up for grabs. The pharma company probably saves a ton of money, but do you think that savings will be passed on to you when you need the new meds? Hardly. Still think it's far-fetched? They're already halfway to #1:

Some scientists believe that the homogeneity of a population such as Iceland makes the search for genes associated with a disease a simpler task. deCODE has already discovered variations in the Icelander’s genome that may indicate susceptibility to multiple sclerosis, hereditary hand tremors, and osteoarthritis.

And it was all government-mandated:

The government of Iceland has passed a law enacting the creation of a national health database. As first proposed, the bill required only medical and family history records to be included in the database. Opposition to the bill escalated when the government decided to add genetic information.

Given the PATRIOT Act and other overreactions to 9/11, do you really think our government wouldn't do the same? Thanks for thinking of us, Knights of Columbus. I'm sure your intentions are pure, but I'm going to take a pass on this one.

I Still Wouldn't Drive One

Mike — Wed, 21 May 2008 15:36:03 +0000

It would appear the Geo Metro is making a comeback due to the spike in gas prices, and people are paying as much as five times the Blue Book value for them. As a cheap-ass second car, I might consider one, but no way would I pay that kind of money. I test-drove a Metro back in '93 when they were new, and was less than impressed. My dad and I cruised the four blocks from the car dealership to our insurance agent while test-driving it, and while we did get good news on insurance, we almost got killed leaving his lot. This is a rural town, mind, and what we'd call "heavy traffic" is still a fraction of what you'd see in the suburbs, much less the city. There was a steady flow, though, and I watched for a gap. Finally one came, one that wouldn't have been a big deal with a 4 banger or better, assuming you gave it some gas. I knew the Metro only had three cylinders, so I put the hammer down. There was just no go. The little hamster wheel spun up as fast as it could go, and we nearly got rear-ended. There was much honking and single-finger saluting behind us, and my dad and I were both doing that involuntary lean/scoot thing where you're trying to get the car to go just a little bit faster. I would have been better off Flintstoning it. With what people are paying for the old ones, I'm surprised Chevy hasn't tried to bring back an updated version of the Metro. I bet a cheaper hybrid with a three-cylinder engine would fly off the lots as long as the gas prices are as high as they are. I still wouldn't drive one, though. I can live without a 'Vette or a Viper, but if I'm going to drive something, it at least needs to move when I hit the pedal.

Born To Be Wild

Mike — Thu, 22 May 2008 16:21:06 +0000

The family sat out on the porch yesterday, and we left the garage door open. The Squirt disappeared, and a few minutes later the Midget came and told me his brother was on my motorcycle. I went to check it out, thinking he'd just strayed a little too close or was fiddling with the grips or my helmet. As I reached the end of the porch, I heard a little voice saying "Vroom, vroom!" I turned the corner and found this: He knows he's not supposed to be on there, but I held off on tearing into him because I didn't want him to try to jump off and have the bike fall on top of him. He also looked very excited to be sitting on it, and I didn't want to break his little heart. Instead I lifted him off the bike and reminded him that he's not to go near it when Daddy's not around, and that he could get hurt. It's amazing how different the two boys are. The Midget knows to steer clear, and he does. I tell them they could get hurt, and he takes it to heart. The Squirt, meanwhile, is fearless. If you tell him not to climb a ladder because he could fall off and split his head open, he'll be on the roof the moment you turn your back. I half wonder if the temptation to climb the motorcycle overwhelms the fear. In the risk/reward balance system in his head, perhaps dim memories of his last experience on a bike tilts things to the reward side: The Squird is about 10 months old in that pic. When the Wife's cousin Jarrod fired up his noisy Harley, the Midget ran for the van but the Squirt squealed with delight. We handed him over to Jarrod and his little face just lit up as he sat on the tank. Do these memories really carry over? Or is it just some primal urge in the Squirt that says "bikes + noise = bad ass!"? I'd like to think it's a little bit of both. Either way, it's obvious the Squirt's going to be handful when he outgrows the moniker.

Suck It, Bob Vila!

Mike — Wed, 28 May 2008 03:39:19 +0000

New Porch Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Our front porch consumed my entire Memorial Day weekend, but I think it will be worth it in the long run. My brother and I tore out the deck boards and base Friday night, installed most of the brick Saturday, and then the Wife and I finished the job Sunday and Monday, just in time to have a BBQ. Despite a couple of minor setbacks that would have made Mike Holmes want to wring someone's neck, the job is done and by all accounts looks good. I had hoped to finish by Sunday night so I could write Monday, but it wasn't to be. This is also why I have been on blog silence lately. I'll be back tomorrow with a small but fun book to tell you about. It includes a bit of flash fiction by yours truly and proceeds benefit the Shirley Jackson Awards.

Jack Haringa Must Die! (to Benefit the Shirley Jackson Awards)

Mike — Thu, 29 May 2008 03:15:00 +0000

You may remember a while back several of us killed our good friend Jack Haringa. The meme spread far and wide, and now over 30 of the blog entries have been assembled as an anthology to benefit the Shirley Jackson Awards. Jack currently serves on the SJA Advisory Board. Why track down all the blog posts (many of which have now been pulled) when you can get the best of the best in one slim volume? You can order your copy through the SJA site itself, which will direct more money into the SJA coffers, or you can order straight from Amazon. Linkage below. Order from the SJA Order from Amazon

Accidental Thoughtcrime

Mike — Thu, 29 May 2008 04:00:46 +0000

Rachael Ray is a terrorist. At least that's what some right-wing nutbags would have us believe. The lovely Ms. Ray wore a scarf in an online commercial for Dunkin' Donuts, and Fox News commentator Michelle Malkin decided it looked a little too much like a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress worn by men in the Middle East, and thus Ray obviously supports terrorism. Must have been a slow news day. What's next, we declare anyone wearing a keffiyeh on a US street a terrorist and stone them to death on the spot? Sometimes a scarf is just a scarf, people. Radio douchebag Jay Severin is another one to condemn the commercial, and he asks "How would a cowboy hat go over in a Muslim country?" Hmm. Maybe they would just think it's some guy in a stupid hat. People wear cowboy hats around here all the time. I don't assume they punch cows for a living and spend their free time thinking about lynching Muslims, I just figure they have poor taste in music. I'm not letting Dunkin' Donuts off the hook, either. If companies continue to kowtow to sensationalist crybabies like this, the problem is only going to get worse. If the double D were to go online and say "Hey, assholes, it's just a scarf!" I'd be a customer for life. Instead they tuck tail and run. Pansies. I checked Rachael Ray's website to see if she addressed it. So far nothing. I can't decide if that's good or bad. On the plus side, she could probably hold up the scarf in question and make these people look like idiots. On the down side, addressing it acknowledges their complaint. So goodonya, Fox News. Just keep fanning those flames of hate. Nothing demonstrates the glory of Free Speech to the rest of the world like using it to tear down a company for the way their paid representatives choose to dress.

Public Service Announcement

Mike — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 03:32:42 +0000

Phear the Stickers Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. When you purchase a laptop computer, it's yours. You do not need to keep the store display stickers on the machine. These are on every laptop because the manufacturer has no way of knowing which one a retailer will open for display (and conversely, a retailer would have no way of knowing which unit is stickered for display without some rather inconvenient tracking methods). You are not voiding warranties by taking them off. You are not harming the computer by taking them off. You are making a gunky, disgusting mess on your laptop. If it doesn't bother you, well, more power to you. It just surprises me how often I see this. I think geeks are the only ones who peel these. And even then, only about half the geeks remove the sturdier, metallic Windows-capable and Intel logo stickers. Of course, I also have no qualms about slashing open those "do not remove or we'll void your warranty" stickers that hold desktop cases closed, either.

Stoked for Devil-Slayer

Mike — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 00:34:09 +0000

I'm really looking forward to the relaunch of Marvel's Devil-Slayer, as two friends of mine are working on the project. On writing duties is Brian Keene. Brian's been chasing a job like this as long as I've known him, and I couldn't be more stoked (or more jealous) that he's landed it. He shared a little of the plot with me, and I think fans are going to love it. On the pencil side is Chris Samnee. I don't know Chris anywhere near as well as I know Brian, but from the few times I've hung out with Chris and his wife, I can tell you that they're good people and Chris is very deserving of a job like this. His artwork, of course, stands on its own and is likewise deserving. September is going to be a good month for comics!

The Perils of Fatherhood

Mike — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 03:56:52 +0000

The Wife handed me a nice, big chunk of my ass again today. Yes, again. I have a bad habit of forgetting what the rugrats should and shouldn't be watching, and I have yet to live down a two-week streak of nightmares the Midget had when he was two. Nightmares caused by a viewing of the climax of Aliens. My thinking at the time was something like "It's edited for TV, how bad can it be?" My defense was "But he said he wasn't scared! He wanted to watch it!" My first lesson in Fatherhood. Well, among the first. See, the Wife and I had two very different upbringings. I was a kid when John Carpenter's The Thing hit an old cable network called ONTV, and my old man recorded it. By the time I was a teenager, we had literally worn that tape out, as well as another with recordings of First Blood and Robocop. Conan the Barbarian? No problem. Aliens? I could quote it on command. By the time Predator came out, we just had to see it in the theater. The Wife's family, meanwhile, stuck to Disney flicks. The Wife was weaned on a steady diet of musicals, Shirley Temple, and The Wizard of Oz. The closest she came to any kind of violence was Doctor Who (when it still ran on PBS Channel 11 out of Chicago) and James Bond flicks. James Bond is nothing to sneeze at, but he doesn't hold a candle to An American Werewolf in London. As such we're operating on two different gages of appropriateness. Hers is set to Metric, mine Imperial. Hers is well maintained, always oiled, and calibrated regularly. Mine's rusting, jams, and has a tolerance of a yard, give or take a cubit. And the moment the Midget started quoting Frylock from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, my gage got thrown out in the street. I was pretty good about referencing hers for a while, too, but somehow it made its sorry way back into the house. I felt bad and made it a sandwich rather than telling it to stay out there where it belonged. Then we shared a couple beers and reminisced about the good ol' days. Which leads me, at last, to the ass-whoopin'. The Midget got on the subject of kidneys. The Wife explained their form and function, and of course the word "pee" entered the conversation. "Some people have thorny bugs with big, sharp teeth living in their pee!" the Midget informed his mother. Oh shit, thought I. I'm toast. Because yes, I knew exactly where this was coming from. "Why do you say that?" the Wife asked, already shooting a glare in my direction. "I saw it on TV! The guy was peeing in the river, and the bugs climbed up his pee and into his kidneys!" "Yeah," the Squirt chimed in. "And they said 'I don't want to see your ass!'" Oh shit! "And what exactly were they watching, Daddy?" She rose from the couch like the Kraken from the sea. "Metalocalypse!" the Midget supplied. "What?" I asked, feigning innocence. "Haven't you ever heard the stories about the parasites in the Amazon? Murderface was peeing in the river, and the parasites climbed into his kidneys! It's a survival lesson!" "Yeah, and he was naked!" the Midget said. "Ix-nay on the Etalocalypse-may." I shot a nudge into his ribs. "And then their jaws melted off!" the Squirt added. It was completely unrelated. See, these Amazon warriors blew some kind of hallucinogenic dust into the characters' faces, and they started seeing some crazy-violent stuff, right? A continuation of the life lesson, to be sure. When you go into the Amazon, you best back some heat, Son! But the Wife took a step in my direction, so I bolted for the door. Her nostrils flared. Furniture flew through the air. Fire rained down from the heavens. The children plead for her to spare Daddy's life. But the little Roman emperor in her head said "Thumbs down, Byotch!" Thus began the ass-handing. Good thing they didn't tell her about The Venture Brothers...

Beware Fat Men With Tight Belts

Mike — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 16:56:36 +0000

I've got karate class tonight, and I can't stop thinking about a lesson my sensei learned the hard way on Tuesday night. Sit-ups compress your guts, see. So when poor, hapless Sensei Miller paired up with me for the night's workout and said we were going to do sit-ups, I felt a small pang of pity for him. He went first, and I held down his ankles and counted for him. Then we switched. One -- two -- three... I felt the gurgling. Four -- five -- six... I knew clenching just wasn't going to help. Seven -- eight -- *frap!* -- nine -- *frap!* --ten... I couldn't help but laugh. Sensei said "don't worry about it" and kept on counting. At least it didn't stink. After some push-ups and a kata we returned for our second set of sit-ups. I hoped the last set had squeezed me empty. Sadly, no. I made it to about 13, then *frap* Again, I couldn't help but laugh. "I'm a fat guy with a tight belt!" I explained, referring to my karate belt. At least Sensei laughed rather than deliver an empi (elbow) to my guts. Had it been taco night, I'm sure I'd have been in big trouble. If you find yourself in a position to help a fat man with his sit-ups, heed this lesson. It may save your life.

The Ultimate Reality Show

Mike — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 19:43:12 +0000

I've become addicted to The Ultimate Fighter. I can't stand most reality shows, but this one's pretty simple: get a bunch of thugs together in one house, watch them screw with one another, then watch them vent their frustrations in the ring. No getting voted off islands, no silly games for immunity, no ridiculous challenges, just a bunch of punchy dudes in a posh house all ready to pummel their buddies into oblivion. I can think of worse ways to spend an evening. I mean come on, where else are you going to see the coach of one team shoot another with a net gun? My own karate training has sparked a new appreciation of UFC and mixed martial arts, but I don't tune in for every fight. The Ultimate Fighter, meanwhile, now has a season pass on my DVR. Screw Survivor, American Idol, and Big Brother; this isn't a popularity contest or a contrived competition, it's 16 guys and 2 coaches beating the piss out of one another. It's simple, it's brutal, and it's just beautiful. It's funny, though, having to defend grappling to people who don't understand it. Yes, sometimes it looks awkward when two guys are twisted together in a certain way, but believe me, it's far from comfortable. Rather than explaining it, however, I found this simple poster that makes it simple:

As the Worm Turns

Mike — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 07:23:55 +0000

Stacks Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I play poker about once a month or so with some co-workers and some guys around town, and my luck has been crap for months. The last few rounds, though, have been more of a roller coaster. In this pic, I'm sitting on about $83, double the $40 I'd bought in so far. However, by the end of the night I finished down $20. Better hands would help, but I think I need to be steadier with my bets and bluffs. I don't think I have any real tells, but my betting has become predictable for the hardcore players in our group. No complaints, though. I'm sure a night elsewhere would have cost me a lot more than twenty bucks.

Your Modern World Strikes Again

Mike — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 18:41:28 +0000

A school in India has named the monkey god Hanuman chairman of the college.

"The position comes with an incense-filled office, a desk and a laptop computer. Four chairs will be placed facing the empty seat reserved for the chairman and all visitors must enter the office barefoot, said Vivek Kangdi, the school's vice chairman."

The real kicker? It's a technology school! They hand out bachelor's degrees in engineering and management, and it only opened last year. I'm guessing either Hanuman's tenure will be short-lived or the college will go bust. Of course, it's a good way to dodge solicitors. "Hi, I'm Vijay, and I'm here to sell these wonderful new textbooks to your school." "Ah, welcome Vijay. Let me show you to Lord Hanuman's office." Then they just leave the guy to sit there and twiddle his thumbs for a couple hours. It makes me wonder if there are any US companies who might have nominated Jesus to a similar post. Then the shareholders would be pissed, the board of directors would vote Him out, and the headlines would probably read something like this: GENERIC AMERICAN WIDGETS FIRES JESUS CHRIST Board sites lack of shareholder faith There may be a bright side for Generic American Widgets, though. If they did hire the big JC as CEO, he's probably not prone to throwing his feces.

How Insanity Happens

Mike — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:04:16 +0000

Now I know how Charles Manson went bat-shit crazy: do-it-yourself home projects. See, no matter how easy you feel a job will be, the half-assed job some pinhead who owned your home before you will guarantee a ten-minute job turns into an all-day, life-sucking affair that will leave you wanting to stab someone in the eye. My plan today was to put up a new pair of clothesline posts, then have plenty of time to do some writing. Instead, I spent the afternoon wandering around three major hardware stores in search of clothesline posts. Apparently nobody carries them anymore. At least, nothing like what we're looking for. After weighing various options for building our own, we finally said to hell with it and bought this umbrella-style deal that mounted on a single steel pole. When we got home, I still figured on an hour -- tops -- to yank out the old poles and install the new one. I borrowed a jack and chain from my father-in-law, which should have yanked the posts right out of the ground, especially since they didn't appear to be buried in concrete. Note the word "appear" in that last sentence. After the jack kept burying itself and the chain finally crushed the rusted part of the pole, I grabbed a shovel and started digging. When a normal human being needs to install a pole, they get a post hole digger, make a hole, drop in the pole, and pour in a little concrete. Apparently hundreds of years of tried-and-true construction wasn't good enough for a cretin who at one point owned my home, and my project has stalled right here: A 6-inch hole for a 2.5-inch post wasn't good enough for this brainiac, no sir. He dug a hole about a foot and a half in diameter. I imagine he called cousin Bubba and they cracked open a few beers before fetching the shovels. Not that such a large hole stopped them from using concrete. The hole in that pic is nearly a foot deep, and the concrete is just under the layer of dirt at the bottom. The edge of the concrete is a the edge of the hole, and I'm afraid to find out how deep it goes. (I also have no idea how I'm going to find out how deep it goes, short of renting a jackhammer.) So rather than trying to pull a pole straight out of the ground, the jack was attempting to rip out the pole, a chunk of concrete, and about two cubic feet of earth -- while it was directly above the concrete. I'm trying to think of a home project that didn't go sideways like this, and the porch is the only one that comes to mind. I'm thinking I've got patience enough for two more projects like this before I carve a swastika into my forehead. Assuming I make it through the rest of this project, that is...

I Shall Call Him Mini Me

Mike — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 12:13:35 +0000

Nike+ has added a new feature to their website, the Nike Mini, which is a customized, animated avatar that reflects your energy level. You can check out my Mini here. Cute little devil, ain't he? He's a better dancer than I am, too. I've just made him the screen saver on my iMac, so if he starts slowing down or running of out energy, I'll know I need to get my ass back on the track. The program's still in beta, but I'm hoping in the future I'll be able to add him to my sidebar as a small Flash applet or something; it'll be more interesting than the current Nike+ goal window. Speaking of, those of you who visit my website directly (as opposed to reading in RSS or on MySpace) may have noticed the return of the Nike+ goal window. I've set another goal for 10 runs in 4 weeks. I may bump that up next time, but for now with Wizard World coming up at the end of the month and a probable short trip next month, 10 runs in 4 weeks is a reasonable goal.

Problem Solved

Mike — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 04:47:45 +0000

Problem Solved Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Remember my clothesline post problem? I bought a sledge hammer on Father's Day. Problem solved. My motto is there's not much you can't accomplish with the suitable application of a big frickin' hammer.

Building a Makiwara

Mike — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 17:38:21 +0000

I am officially the worst carpenter on the planet. I've done several small projects around the house, but if it involves cutting wood, I'm pretty well screwed. As such, I'm surprised my new makiwara came out as well as it did. I've been thinking about building a makiwara -- a board for punching practice -- for some time. Most theories say the benefits are either strengthening the knuckles, wrist and arm or improving your punching technique. Proponents of one theory tend to look down on the other, but either way, the old masters used makiwara training quite a bit, and several modern karateka still use them. Why not give it a shot? I found several plans on the ol' Internet, and they're all very close. I went out for a sledgehammer on Father's Day (to resolve the post problem), got a bug up my butt to finally build the makiwara, and assembled my materials:

1 8' 4x4 (cut down to 7' by Home Depot drone)
2 scraps of 2x4
Tapered-head screws
Sewer line connector
Dumbass cat (optional, actually)

Lesson #1 is to bring your plans to Home Depot. I didn't only because it became an impulse purchase, but I might have gotten things done faster had I showed them what I needed as we debated many options before I settled on the sewer line connector. (One plumbing department employee was a grizzled old dude with a never-healing knuckle and several missing teeth. His never-healing knuckle was due to punching something wrapped in rope, and I suggest other things wrapped in flesh. I should have made him stick around as he obviously knew from punching, but someone else needed his help and dragged him away.) They assumed I wanted to wrap the sewer line gasket thing around the post, but no, I wanted to cut it and make a flat surface, like so:

It's a little thinner than I wanted, but it's easier on the knuckles than wood. I want to build them up, not shred the shit out of them. A simple carpet knife went right through the rubber, and I just tossed the two metal constrictor rings into my miscellaneous junk box. Next came the lumber cutting. Negotiating the 4x4 through a bandsaw or jigsaw, both of which I believe I have available at work, didn't sound like a good idea. In fact, had I tried it, I'm certain I would have come home minus a few fingers if not a limb. The Home Depot lumber guy recommended a simple circular saw, which I had already borrowed from my father-in-law to cut up and burn our old porch scrap. See, cutting things to pieces, I can do. Making precise cuts? Not so much.

I laid down a chalk line on opposite sides of the 4x4 and they seemed to match. I made the first cut down the length of the 4x4, flipped it over, and made the second cut. The good news: direction-wise, they matched and I didn't end up with an X. The bad news: I missed by about a quarter inch on one side because I deviated from the chalk line a bit. I wrestled the two halves apart, broke off and sanded the broken edge, and ended up with posts that are a bit thicker on one half (vertically). I tried to take this pic from a more flattering angle:

At least all of my fingers survived. Notice the pic was taken at night under my garage light. Yes, I insisted on getting it done anyway. I used my father-in-law's post hole digger to dig a hole just over 2.5 feet deep in the corner of the yard, then attempted to screw the 2x4s to the makiwara post. My cordless drill ran out of juice, so I used a corded electric drill, only to strip the shit out of the screw heads before they could bury themselves completely. I decided it didn't need to look pretty because they'd be buried anyway, but as it turned out the 2x4 -- even as short as I had them -- didn't fit into the post hole. Good thing I tested it after the first 2x4 and didn't waste my time on the second. No worries, I thought, I'll just take the one 2x4 off the post and wedge them both in around the post in the hole. I wondered how I'd get the 2x4 off the makiwara post with the screw heads stripped, and as it turned out I was able to just yank it off. One screw had gone maybe an eighth of an inch into the 4x4 and the other two screws never made it through the 2x4. Yes, I made pilot holes with a drill. Like I said: I am the world's worst carpenter. The 2x4 wedged neatly down into the hole, though I could barely reach it as I laid on the ground and reached into the hole. It held the post nice and still (and level!), however, and even with no room for the second 2x4, the makiwara post was good and stable. I think it helped that I used a post hole digger rather than digging a big hole with a shovel. I filled in the dirt, tamped it all down, and boom, I had my makiwara post. I wanted to use string to tie down the rubber pad, but the Home Depot guys talked me into screws. The screw went right through the rubber and through the back of the makiwara post. So much for that idea. I turned to black electrical tape as a temporary measure. When it starts to fall off, I'll go back to string. Here's what I ended up with the next morning:

Not too shabby despite being built by the world's worst carpenter. Now to screw up my knuckles beating on it. I gave it at total of about 40 good whacks on a side yesterday and have small cuts on each of my middle knuckles. Masochism: it's what's for dinner.

Buy My Shtuff

Mike — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:39:07 +0000

Ready for a Michael Oliveri fix? Excellent. Here's a couple easy ways to get your fix. Jack Haringa Must Die! Available here and on Amazon. Features a piece of flash fiction by yours truly. Plus it benefits the Shirley Jackson Awards. Restore From Backup Plenty of copies still available directly from Bad Moon Books. This collaborative novella with JF Gonzalez is a blend of supernatural horror and dark sci-fi. If you like The Outer Limits, we're confident you'll like our novella. The Phantom Chronicles An anthology of short stories featuring the Ghost Who Walks, published by Moonstone Books. Mine pits The Phantom against snake cultists bent on human sacrifice. You can buy it from Amazon or, if you'll be at Wizard World Chicago next week, you can pick it up from Moonstone at exhibitor booth 950 in the main exhibitor hall. Track me down on the show floor or at the Moonstone booth and I'll be happy to sign it for you (as well as anything else you may have brought along). Werewolves: Call of the Wild If you'll be at Wizard World next week, chances are Moonstone will have all three issues bundled cheap! As with The Phantom Chronicles, I'll be more than happy to sign your copies. Das Todliche Geschlecht The book is now officially available through Amazon.de. This is the German-language edition of Deadliest of the Species.

The Zen of Motorcycling

Mike — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 20:15:57 +0000

My Motorcycle Safety Foundation instructors hammered a phrase home: "You go where you look." It reminded me a bit of the old saying "keep your eyes on the prize," but the difference is you can actually feel the motorcycle maxim at work every time you turn. If you're not looking at where you want to be, you're going to end up off course because your body tends to steer a bike toward where you're looking. If you're negotiating a turn and you're looking at the shoulder instead of through the turn, then you're going to take a ride on the shoulder. Better hope there's no gravel. I got to thinking about that again the other night, and I had a Zen moment: maybe I've stopped looking at my writing goal. I'm focused on my karate, and things are going very well. I'm focused on my family, and that, too, is going very well. Even my job is going well. My writing, however, has been very slow of late. Sure, I've had a few small triumphs, with Deadliest of the Species hitting the German market and another sale still to be announced, but I haven't achieved my ultimate goal of having a steady stream of work hitting the shelves. Maybe I've stopped looking. I've let other things distract me, and now I'm off on the shoulder somewhere. To break it down further, maybe I'm spending too much time looking at RSS feeds and surfing the web and not enough looking at that word processor window. I've surrounded myself with the tools, no doubt about that. For example, all of my computers are armed with OpenOffice.org or NeoOffice. I carry my Moleskine just about everywhere I go. I recently bought a new lap desk for writing notes in the car. I've got this blog and I do the whole social networking thing. I've got a printer when I need it, access to plenty of reference materials, and of course email for corresponding with editors, publishers, and colleagues (not to mention the few fans I hear from). I even rented a post office box the other day because I've been getting signature requests. I've also got more time than ever this summer, because working in education rocks hard. In short, I've got my new bike and I've got my metaphorical writing bike. Now I need to spend more time looking at the destination for my writing career. I have a good idea of where that destination is, I just need to do a better job of aiming for it. Right after I swim with my kids for a little while. ;)

Is There a Trainer in the House?

Mike — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 06:50:57 +0000

I had a good run tonight. I'm repeating Week 3 of the Cool Running Couch-to-5k-Run Progam, and as I burned through the first 200-yard stretch tonight I thought I was toast. I got my head right by the end, though, and pushed through the last 400 yards and stacked on a few extra yards for good measure. The problem is my right leg is killing me. My left's a little achy, but my right is hurtin'. It might be shin splints, but I'm starting to worry it's skeletal rather than muscular this time around. Each impact brought a zap of pain, so I started concentrating on the way my foot hit the track. I'm not 100% sure, but it feels like I'm landing flat-footed and rolling onto the ball of my foot a little too quickly. I've read a few sources discussing the proper stride, but my question is how do you train that stride. I try to alter my stride on the track, but it's tough; I keep falling back into the bad habit. That makes me wonder if I've got tight muscles or screwy joints that are preventing me from doing it right. If so, what should I be doing to correct this? I let an ingrown toenail get out of control a decade ago, and I dealt with it for far too long by limping around. Then I did it again with the other foot a year or so later. That screwed up my gait for a long time. I caught myself walking on the outside edges of my feet and not rolling off the front of my foot, and I'm worried this may be a lingering problem. So, again, any trainers in the house?

Last-Minute Larry

Mike — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 05:07:00 +0000

Let's see... how long have I know about Wizard World? 10 months? And how long have I known I'd be sitting down with a publisher? Let's call it 3 months. When do you think I finally put together an outline we could talk about and really get the ball rolling on some projects? Yeah. Over the weekend. With a second still to be sent off tomorrow or Wednesday. I don't know what it is about deadlines, but I usually wait until last minute and get a last charge of energy to push them through. If I don't have a deadline, I don't make things a priority, much like what's happening with the Top Secret Novella and the final act of "To Fight With Monsters". Not to mention the one other thing I forget every year: business cards. Yeah, I've got a new address for writing, but I still had time to get something printed up. Only now I'd be stuck with a slap-dash, sub-par design that I'd be hesitant to hand out. Again. I really need to make sure I have my act together for the next con. I guess in that respect I'm lucky I don't have a lot to sell this time around.

Today's Emissions

Mike — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 04:59:59 +0000

Advanced class almost killed me. I definitely need to get some sleep tonight. #
@cullenbunn That's the plan, bro! I've already written off working Thursday morning so I can sleep in. #
I'm glad this is the last 5:30am rising. This should be illegal or against God's will or something. #
It's never too early for Black Sabbath. #
EUREKA! Just solved a problem that's been dragging down a project. #
@cullenbunn Meetings suck. Put a crash test dummy in a suit in your seat and sneak out the back door. #
So not going to be in the mood for Mr. Chickenhead today. #
Can I stay awake during today's sessions? It's high drama on my Twitter feed today! #
"I don't want to sound stupid, but..." Too late, asshole. Some of these people really don't belong here. #
Just noticed I have a strange pattern of marks on my arm from last night's Judo lessons. Makes me look like I've been shooting heroine. #
Tech is always so cooperative for live demos! Time for a bio break. #
I feel like time is moving backwards in this seminaq. If I drift off again, I may get eaten by a t-rex. #
I'm about to punch a dude in the trachea. Please start a bail collection #
@audiofyl It would probably wake everybody up. I may just try it after lunch. :) #
I really need a smartphone so I can reply to all your crazy @ replies a lot faster. Frickin' cell contracts... #
Afternoon sessions will be more useful for me. No word on slick Apple gear as prizes, though. #
Are you there, God? It's me, Mike. Please smite Mr. Chickenhead. Thank you! #
@TodClark LaVieja sounds like a good choice to me! Let me know what you think. #

Live from Wizard World

Mike — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 14:59:50 +0000

Wizard World starts today. I most likely will not have email or Internet access through the con, but I will be able to post Twitter updates from my cell phone. Because I'd like to give you all a flavor of what I'm up to this weekend, I've activated the blog post digests of my Twitter feed. If you have a Twitter account, surf over to my feed and click Follow. If not, just keep tuning in here and you'll get a taste of my Wiz World experience (you MySpacers should see the updates on my profile page, not in the blog). Unfortunately Twitter will largely be one-way as well. I don't have a smartphone yet (cursed cell contracts!) so I don't have a mobile Twitter client. I only have a few people followed with SMS updates, and even then I can't read @ replies on this phone. If you Tweet a reply at me and I don't respond, that's why. For those of you who will be at the con, I don't have a set schedule. I will probably stop by and visit the Moonstone folks at some point and hopefully sign some books, but for the most part I'll be floating around looking at art and browsing stuff I can't afford in the dealers section. If you spot my ugly mug, feel free to say hi. I don't bite. Though I may be itching for some karate practice...

So Tempting

Mike — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 23:43:09 +0000

So Tempting
Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.

Pink Floyd The Wall figures? Way cool!

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Today's Emissions

Mike — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 04:59:59 +0000

@kellidunlap ALL puppies have A.D.D. That's why they're so cool. #
Prepping for Wizard World, and especially for a meeting on Friday. I have good feelings about this con! #
@scederlund If Moonstone organizes a Phantom Chronicles signing I'm sure I'll be there for that. Otherwise no solid plans, sadly. #
@briankeene You just got paid. Fly in to Wiz World and crash in our room. #
Running some last-minute errands before @cullenbunn and Shawn pick me up for Wizard World. #
Just signed some bookplates for a fan and put 'em back in the mail. Packing up and double-checking my bag contents for the con. #
All packed up. Headed out to meet @cullenbunn and Shawn. And away we go! #
All checked in. Let the party begin. #
Surfing artists alley, hanging with Wachter and Loika. #
As usual, the place is dead on Friday. It should be hoppin' with superstar @cullenbunn here! #
Scored some Walking Dead trades cheap. Sweet. #

Hulk Smash!

Mike — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 21:21:49 +0000

Hulk Smash!
Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.

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Like RRAHH! and shit

Mike — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 21:27:32 +0000

Like RRAHH! and shit
Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.

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Today's Emissions

Mike — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 04:59:59 +0000

Hoofin' it over to Giordano's for some killer pizza. A highlight of the con. #
Hopefully not THE highlight... #
Sam Adams uber alles. #
Referencing the Mystery Mouseketool during a comics conversation was probably a bit of a faux pas. #
You know you're at a comic con when the group at the next table has EVERY member of the X-Men covered. #
Sitting in front of the Hyatt with a cigar. #
Wondering how to get a lapdance from the White Queen. #
6am mystery ring must die. #
6:08am full bladder must die. #
A couple of douchebags just took pictures of some kid passed out on a bench. Classy. #
Cashing in early tonight. Tomorrow will be a bigger day. #
Note to self: must only use powers for good today. #
Whatever the hell that means... #
Hmm. Apparently I need to write "important" comics. #
Meeting time. Cross 'em if you got 'em. #
Meeting went well! Can't wait to get things rolling and share with you all. #
Ran into the Around Comics guys. Always a good thing. #
On to the con itself! #
Surfin' the aisles, hangin' on to the wallet. For now... #
Great. I'm now @cullenbunn's entourage. #
Just got handed a free book. Sweet. #
Taking geeky pix for the rugrats. #
Oh, and Samnee's here! Apparently I'm in Devil Slayer. #
Piss break! TMI? Too bad! #
Just caught up with @scederlund. Rockin'. #
Visiting Bryant at the Ape booth. #
Just watched two Rosemont cops get their pictures taken with some wrestling diva. #
Thinkin' of fajitas and margaritas. #
It's nice to be known. #
I imagine @briankeene would be jealous of the limited-edition Godzilla statue @cullenbunn just bought. #
@cullenbunn is serenading me with Tenacious D songs. #
Unless I've got it wrong and he really is threatening to pull out my pubic hair... #
I'm an IT guy by day and a writer by night... #
...I really AM a superhero! #
Albeit a lame one. But my powers grow stronger each day, and soon I will save the world with my awesomeness! #

Today's Emissions

Mike — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 04:59:59 +0000

Have to wait for 'jitas and 'ritas. This makes Hulk ANGRY! #
Seated! 'Jitas & 'ritas at last! #
'Ritas are kicking in. Hopefully I won't default to asshole mode. #
Stumbling back to the hotel. #
Tiki time! #
Okhagt tmbgp xhtj pjmw ia ia Cthulhu ftaghn! #
Done. #
I curse the sun! #
The hotel's lavender-citrus shampoo makes me feel like a mutant lemon spawned to sour the world. #
Taste my bitterness for the difficulty in finding an artist! #
Shopping for the rugrats. #
Chilling with Minh, the Smiling Idiot. #
Checked in with the Moonstone crew and Paul Storrie. #
Networking: it makes the con go 'round. #
Bought a wicked plush Godzilla for the Little Bird. #
Plush chestburster! SWEET! SOLD!! #
I'm told I sold a few Werewolves: Call of the Wild comics. Not too shabby. #
And I really should have put together some business cards. #
Back into the fray. #
Correction: I would probably BE a tool. #
Instead I will continue to masquerade as a writer. #
The fauxhawk! That shall be my ticket to style and fame. #
More pizza. With anchovies this time! #

Today's Emissions

Mike — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 04:59:59 +0000

Con proper is now done for me. Tonight is just for hanging out, and we head home early tomorrow. #
Just got told I'm smoking a "Ben Grimm-sized" cigar. Yeah, I'm definitely at a comic con. #
Need to unload the stuff I bought! #
Time to start throwing elbows. #
...and then I bought even more trades. Argh. #
Decompressing in front of the Hyatt with a cigar. #
Hoofin' it over to Maria's for more 'ritas, but prolly not 'jitas. #
Once again stumbling back to the hotel. #
Ka-blam! An idea strikes like lightning from the sky. It's always at the strangest moments... #
The lobby sounds like a swarm of angry locusts consuming the comics industry. #
Back home, taking the family to breakfast. #
Today turned into boys' day out with the rugrats. Too bad I can't bring them back to the con; they'd have a blast. #

Wandering Karateka

Mike — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 04:21:05 +0000

I had a good time at Wizard World, but man did I miss karate class. I walked into the dojo for the first time in a week tonight, and I hadn't done so much as a punching exercise or push-up in the meantime. A week may not sound long, but I felt out of touch. I found myself reviewing my kata, Naihanchi Sho, in my head while I stood in line. Lucky for me muscle memory kicked in as I bowed in and I made it through my kata and its interpretation without difficulty. It's going to get worse, though. I'll miss three consecutive classes visiting family and attending a wedding this month, and then I'll miss three consecutive classes again in early August on a family vacation. That also includes a review week, which may cause me to miss an opportunity to advance a stripe (and thus throw off my goal of achieving sankyu, or 3rd degree brown belt, by the New Year). In order to help keep things sharp, or to at least get a workout on the road, I started looking for karate schools in the areas I'll be visiting. As with many things martial arts, there are those for and against the idea. The main problem is a question of style. Attending a kung fu or tae kwon do class probably wouldn't do me much good, but there are Shotokan karate clubs not far from where I'll be. I study Shuri-ryu, and both styles have their roots in Shuri, Okinawa. They each have a signature style, but they share a large part of their lineage. In a recent blog entry, Sensei Charles Goodin says he doesn't take students from other styles. He has several reasons for the policy, but in general he compares it to mixing gasoline and diesel fuel in a car: it just doesn't work. The visitor will not gain anything from the visit, and their presence may only be a distraction to the dojo's regular students. He describes it further:

"There is a saying that 'you can't catch two rabbits.' The rabbits tend to run off in different directions. For this reason, if a student wants to join our dojo, I would expect him to only practice our style of Karate. Practicing two styles at the same time is very difficult. You have to empty the bucket before you can fill it."

On the other side of the coin, Sensei Stephen Irwin compares karate to driving lessons: no matter your style, you're learning the basics and it's up to you to apply them. To pull a quote from his blog entry:

"Regardless of the vehicle driving is driving. Regardless of the art fighting is still just fighting. The presentation of driving/fighting skills might vary, but the underlying principles are the same regardless."

Sensei Irwin's post does not address the issue of visiting students, but I would guess from this post that he isn't opposed to the idea. Which one is right? Both, I suppose. They each follow what works for them in their respective dojos, and I understand both points of view. Personally, I think I would enjoy working out with another school. My school also teaches Haganah and Judo, and it's always fun to get a glimpse of those arts. I like seeing how other karate styles interpret their kata, and it would be interesting to get a taste of their kumite or self defense methods. From a student point of view, however, would it be a good idea? My sensei once said he would welcome students from other styles, and they would run their kata their way so we could discuss the differences. However, would other sensei tell a student his style is wrong? It hardly does me any good to show up at a Shotokan school if the sensei in question were to just turn his nose up at the way I've been taught. Even if I get a good physical workout, it wouldn't be any fun to walk out of that dojo hurt or angry. In that case I'd have been better off skipping a week. So what's a rookie karateka to do? Two things:

Work harder to get off my butt and get those personal workouts in. It's not like I'll be facing a con schedule during the next two trips.
Call those dojos, talk to their instructors, and hope for the best.

Some of our school's black belts travel frequently for their jobs, and they tell me they have attended classes with other dojos and it's gone well for them. With luck it will be the same for me.

I'm Riding the Lightning Now!

Mike — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 03:42:41 +0000

I spun the motorcycle up to 40 miles an hour today. Yeah, I'm flying now! I best be careful before I break the sound barrier and piss off the neighbors. Okay, in all seriousness, I'm finally putting in some real seat time after several weeks of storms, rain, trips, and projects, and my comfort level is growing fast. In fact, today I felt more eager than nervous when I fired her up, and that 40mph jaunt, though brief, was not as terrifying as I anticipated. That's right, I said terrifying. It's tough to shake the idea that I'm straddling an engine and someone stole a couple of my wheels. Granted a Virago's engine is about as small as they come, but sitting on top of even 21 horses is a very different feeling from strapping into a cozy chair with a sturdy firewall and floor separating me from the engine and all the spinny bits. It's also a lot of fun, but like my father-in-law told me, you've got to respect it or it'll turn on you. Because tempting fate by pushing new heights of speed wasn't enough, I took her out into some heavier traffic today, too. This was another exercise in channeling fear as I made sure I had plenty of time to get moving. My bike will still accelerate better than a lot of cars, but I also have to keep in mind my shifting ability (or lack thereof). Missing a the gear with a semi bearing down on me wouldn't be any fun now, would it? Then came the hat trick: I also marked the farthest distance ridden yet. Okay, so it was only a mile from home, but I've zipped around quite a bit within that range. It's all about seat time for the moment, and my comfort level grows with every turn. Just like when I'm learning a new kata in karate class, I'm building up my proprioception, or muscle memory. Pretty soon shifts and turns will be automatic, just as they are in a car. That mile distance took me to the local gas station. The tank was looking a bit empty, so I decided it was about time I topped her off. I didn't look at the pump meter until she was full. The total? $3.95! I rounded her to four bucks even, just shy of a gallon of gas. If the previous owner had reset the tachometer with the last fill-up, I'll easily see 50 miles per gallon out of this bike, probably more. I can definitely get comfortable with numbers like that.

Wiz World's Number One Question, Unanswered

Mike — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 21:05:21 +0000

As I wandered the con floor talking to people, by far the most often asked question was "What are you working on?" Looking back, I'm not sure I gave any of them the same answer. Just how do I answer that when my productivity is in the shitter? On the up side, the publisher meeting on Friday went well. On the down side, I'm still sans artiste and don't see that changing any time soon unless I am able to cough up a page rate (which, sadly, I am not). I did get two pitches to the publisher in time, but with the artist situation being what it is, at least one of those pitches may become a prose project. Then it's a matter of cramming that prose project into my others. I've got a book sold to a good small press publisher, but he's dealing with some family matters and there's no telling when the book will be out. Top Secret Novella is also slated to go his way, but I've struck it several times and have yet to report any real progress on it. Das Tödliche Geschlecht has been released on an unsuspecting German market, and I've been interviewed for a major German horror magazine called Virus. The publisher has already asked to see my next novel, and based on my present experience with them, I intend to deliver. (If only the English-speaking world were so interested in my work...) This bumps Powerless up a notch on the priority list. Not to mention I could also sell Powerless to the aforementioned small press publisher. He's called the upcoming book the first of many we'll be doing together, which would make me very happy. The artwork on the first book is terrific, and I know he puts out a solid package that could later help lead to a mass market sale. And oh yes, I still have Muy Mal hanging in the breeze, The Malice Engine outline to turn into either a graphic novel or novel, and two novels that I'm convinced are pieces of shit but could possibly be hammered into something useful. So, what am I working on? Good question. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Building a Scary New World

Mike — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:44:39 +0000

I don't think I've done any kind of worldbuilding since my roleplaying days, or at least since I wrote that dark fantasy trunk novel 15 years(!!) ago. It's just not something I've needed to do, as all of my work so far has been self-contained and fits easily into the real world. Even Muy Mal has been more of a free-form reality that changes as needed for its stories. However, as I was editing what I've written of Powerless, I started to realize I needed to get some geography correct. For example, characters mention the location of their houses in relation to a common geographical point, and then there are at least three more major points of interest in the same town in the novel. Add to that my decision a couple months back to set Top Secret Novella in the same fictional town and things get even more complicated. Maybe it's my fantasy roots coming to the surface, but I realized it would be of huge help to sit down and draw up a map of this town and surrounds and start drafting up its history and a timeline for the events in both Top Secret Novella and Powerless. This weekend I grabbed my Lap Desk and started drawing, frequently referring to the satellite and terrain features on Google Maps to keep things kosher. I added the important points, then threw in some bonus features and key elements related to the town's history. I had an absolute blast with it. I checked a few historical facts and was very happy to discover my ideas for the town's history would work. I researched a major feature of the town and learned several things which will help me give this feature life in Powerless. I started throwing in locations and landmarks that gave me ideas for future stories taking place there. It may not be as extensive as the worldbuilding that goes into creating a fantasy world or a sci-fi environment in the distant future, but in the end it will be at least as helpful. Even better, another long-form story idea hit me last week. I decided it would work best as a novel, then realized it could fit right in to the town I just created. It doesn't even have a working title yet, but the characters are coming to life and, because of these characters, the fictional region surrounding my town just got a little bigger. So what's the name of this cool little place? Call me paranoid, but I'd rather not say yet. Things may change for the new novel, and one possible climax for Powerless may render the town's future a moot point anyway. And hell, I still have to sell the damn books. This is going to be a unique sandbox for my solo prose work, and there's no point in laying out the details if I can't get the work published.

It Never Gets Old

Mike — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 19:31:42 +0000

They're Here! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I love opening a box of my books from a publisher. It's been a while since I've had the opportunity to do so, but it still feels as good as it did the very first time. It doesn't even matter that I can't read these German translations of Deadliest of the Species, it still rocks harder than your hot mom at an Iron Maiden concert. These paperbacks are easily the best presentation of my solo work to date. I don't know that having my name printed in a comparable font size to the title is going to have any effect in the German market, but I think it's pretty damn cool. The bar has been set for US publishers. With luck I'll find one worthy of the challenge.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Mike — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:22:21 +0000

I'm posting this from gate 1 of the Greater Peoria Regional Airport. I love this place. It's almost always a ghost town, so I made it from the front door, through check-in, past security, and to the gate in less than five minutes. Their wall outlets are easily accessible from the seats, and they have free wireles throughout the concourse. They also have an oddball radio station which just went from Neil Diamond to The Kinks to Zager & Evans. People are starting to accumulate at the gate, but just a few minutes ago there were only two other people here. That worked in my favor when I received an email loaded with mock demotivational posters that about brought me to to tears. Because I have nothing better to do (actually, I could be writing/plotting, but procrastination is a bitch), I thought I'd share my favorites here. Enjoy. First, some inspired Photoshop: Why didn't Wizard World have one of these? I used to see this guy on Chicago television. Never pegged him for a perp! Because fat people have weddings, too: Ten seconds later, this man was dead: Finally, I give you my favorite.

On the Road Again

Mike — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 05:58:29 +0000

I can now get around Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International and Baltimore-Washington International airports with only brief glimpses at the signs. Does that mean I've been traveling too much? Mikey and I arrived none the worse for wear. The same cannot be said for the Hare Krishnas who tried to accost Mikey near the baggage claim. Just ask Brian, who had to help clean up the mess. We then encountered a waiter who tried a little too hard to anticipate our desires and a bartender who didn't have the knowledge to fulfill our desires. (What kind of pinhead hires a bartender who doesn't know drink recipes? And what kind of bar hangs a "tiki bar open" sign but doesn't know how to mix a single tiki drink like the Hala-Kahiki serves? But I digress.) We also learned that the Garmin nuvi supplied by Budget is a piece of crap (I blame its link to MSN) and makes a better dashboard video game than it does a navigator. As a writer, one of the best parts of travel is collecting stories. People stories, to be exact. I'm not a big fan of people in general, but it's hard not to do a little people watching and come away with some character ideas. Typically I'll use someone I've spotted -- or at least a situation or characteristic I've applied to them -- for bit players in some of my work. In fact, it's difficult for me not to come away from travel with a story. Take, for example, the poor fat folks on my the first leg of my flight. A rather large man sat near me at the gate. Later, I boarded behind a rather large woman. Now, I use the phrase "rather large" generously. Think pre-Weight Watchers Kirstie Alley and pref-coffin John Candy and you'll smell what I'm cookin'. A rather cruel twist of fate put these two people in the same row on the same side of the aisle fn our tiny little plane. Neither were pleased, and the gentleman quickly asked the steward for a seat reassignment. They had to wait five minutes for boarding to finish, at which point the gentleman fled to another row. They groused about the seats in the meantime, and of course it was the seats which were too small. Yes, it's always the seats. Oh how I wish I could read the angry letter the woman threatened to pen. One can only hope she includes a picture to highlight her plight. On a similar note, I have to thank the obsessive-compulsive man I sat next to on the second leg of my trip. I'm not exactly a small man myself, and while my ass fits in the seats, my shoulders tend to encroach upon the armrest DMZ. This poor guy sat in the middle seat and appeared to shun all human contact, as he practically folded in on himself between me and the guy on the aisle. If he could have shrank away any further, he would have become an Escher version of Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man. This left me plenty of space, which proved especially valuable while sitting on the tarmac for twenty minutes with the engines (and the fans) off. I have to say, the first leg of my flight wasn't too bad, either, though I owe that to my tolerance as a father. I sat next to a rather attractive young mom (you know the acronym I'm alluding to) traveling with a baby and a toddler. Her husband and the toddler sat across the aisle, and once the fat man changed seats, she asked if I wanted to do the same. I told her not to worry, it wouldn't be a problem because I am plagued -- er, blessed -- with three rugrats myself. Ten minutes later, baby stabbed me with a slobber-sodden Biscoff Delta Airlines cookie. Mom helped clean the sleeve of my t-shirt, and I did not wig. All three of my children have done (and continue to do) the same to me. Baby screeched that she was hungry. Again, I did not wig, for I am used to such things. Then mom started breast feeding. Surprise! I still didn't flinch. I'll be honest: in most situations, were you to put a breast in my face, you would get a definite reaction. I am a straight male, ergo, boobs are my Kryptonite. Having directly witnessed three years of breast feeding, however, I don't get too excited when breasts are paired with babies. I'm no Nursing Nazi, but I fully support and encourage such behavior and I say kudos to this woman for putting her baby's needs ahead of über-conservative pinheads who can't separate supper time from sex. My wife would have complimented this mom on her bravery, and I thought about doing the same for about half a second before a) noticing her husband was much bigger than I, and b) realizing it may very well have resulted in a collection of uniformed officers waiting for me upon arrival. I imagine it's just fine for a woman to compliment another woman for breast feeding, but I fear any male endorsement would just come out as another way of saying "Nice tits!" There are other stories. The co-ed with the underlined omega tattoo, which I automatically ascribed to nefarious occult practices rather than the far more likely sorority logo, only to find it may have an astronomical meaning after all. The guy who came rushing at me, whom I suddenly expected to proclaim "I'm tripping balls, yo!" The collection of bleached-blonde beach bunnies, all traveling separately, who congregated near the same point for several seconds then quickly disbanded, as if all summoned by the same signal. The tall woman in the pant-suit and the shoes with the peek-a-boo toes who turned the head of every man in concourse A of Hartsfield-Jackson International, and knew she did it. The mature gentleman showing off his XO laptop for a woman in what I'm convinced was some elaborate pick-up scheme. The meth addict in the too-small sun dress who just finished turning tricks behind the Krystal stand. The wide-eyed young man staring into space as he listened to his iPod, which no doubt included subliminal orders to kill (recorded by Steve Jobs hisownself and broadcast via iTunes). I'll admit I'm a little off on some of those. What can I say, I live in a sinister world. I'm a horror writer, after all.

Karma is a Bitch

Mike — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:55:39 +0000

So I overflowed the toilet. Stupid Ramada crapper has four ounces of water in the bowl but four gallons in the tank. It didn't push my recycled Longhorn Steakhouse meal through quite fast enough and overflowed. (Only clean water, thankfully.) Long story short: the bathroom now looks like the shower scene from Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I'm John Candy, and poor Mikey is Steve Martin. At least I saved us a couple shower towels. No, I didn't call maintenance. Brian no doubt remembers how that went in Atlanta in '99. I'd rather you all laugh at me instead. I have no doubt this is karmic payback for my snicker when yesterday's fat woman asked a baggage thrower if her little bag would fit in the overhead compartment and he instead looked at her enormous hips and raised an eyebrow. Or for when I said a silent prayer to every god I could think of that she didn't sit next to me. Or for when she and I got stopped on the little bridge thing spanning the gap between the causeway and the plane, I felt it tilting beneath my feet, and I calmly stepped back in case she took it overboard. Hmm. That's three inappropriate moments. I guess the crapper at the next hotel tonight is in for a wild ride.

Spy Hunter

Mike — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 18:15:56 +0000

Spy Hunter Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. This GPS keeps thinking we spun out and the map never keeps up. It's like a really bad video game.

Off-Roading

Mike — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 19:21:50 +0000

Off-Roading Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Now we're in a 4x4 in the desert! Woohoo! Thanks, Where2!

Arrr!

Mike — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:43:35 +0000

Arrr! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Time for a raid, me hardies! Pillage the village!

Deadliest Back on eBay

Mike — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 17:43:52 +0000

Can't wait for a publisher to re-release Deadliest of the Species in English? Check out this eBay auction. Good luck!

Hell Week Winds Down

Mike — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 20:18:12 +0000

You know it's been a long week when you're looking forward to going back to work and settling back in to a normal routine. Don't get me wrong, it's been a good week. It's always good to see Brian, Coop and Mikey and spend a few days with good food, good beer, and good cigars. I returned just in time to get the Wife up to see her family for the Joliet NASCAR weekend, then went back home yesterday for board breaking day in karate class. Then it was back up to the in-laws' place to visit with family some more. The Hell Week tag comes from all the travel between those events. Four flights and several hours of driving on both ends adds up fast, and this morning I'm dragging ass bigtime. The beer and restaurant food, combined with a failure to shoehorn workouts into the travel mix, resulted in a gain on the scale. Finally, I even had to abandon plans to visit Peoria's annual hot air balloon festival, partly due to weather and partly due to my own exhaustion. At this point, working will be easier than vacation, even if I do have to shuffle computers around classrooms this week. I look forward to jumping back on the motorcycle tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to getting back to karate workouts and resurrecting the running routine. The good news is I did fit some writing-related work into the travel. I intended to work up some materials for The Shattered Man (a working title) for a publisher, but I couldn't get Powerless out of my head so I rolled with it. On one flight I finished outlining the main thrust of the story, and on the following flight I was able to flesh out the secondary characters and their subplots. Sure, I nodded off in mid-jot several times, but in review the notes were solid and I'm very happy with them. I'm also energized after spending time with the guys, even though we probably spent less than 10 minutes discussing writing. I had a great time, and I can't complain about my writing progress. In the meantime, I'm really looking forward to getting some sleep tonight.

Ego and the Writer

Mike — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 23:26:31 +0000

It was a good ego stroke to get home and find people talking about me. If people aren't talking about your books, people aren't buying them. Not that I have any to sell right now... Maybe I should revise that: if people aren't talking about your books, publishers have no reason to print them. I almost never hear from readers directly, so it's good to see things like this from time to time. Whether a writer is a hobbyist or is a dedicated professional, we all have one thing in common: we're storytellers, and storytellers want their stories to be heard. Writing for pride, writing for money, and writing for validation all point to a necessity to be read. No happy readers = no happy writers. I should add, too, that if you're waiting on publishers to print some Oliveri work, you should feel free to write publishers directly and ask them why they aren't coughing up the Oliveri goodness. Brian claims at least two publishers read this blog, but that doesn't mean they're going to up and publish me just because I bitch about not getting published. I write best with a deadline. Why is Powerless a priority? Because Otherworld Verlag wants more work from me. It's that simple. I don't expect publishers to come beating down my door; that's just not how this business works. But if you pester some of these guys, maybe they'll give a manuscript more than a passing glance when I drop it on their desk.

Break Day '08

Mike — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 04:39:23 +0000

Mike's Break -- Tetsui Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I've been looking forward to Break Day all year. The Academy of Okinawan Karate only does break day once a year, so I made sure my travel plans weren't going to throw it off. Even the Midget has been calling it his "favorite season" and asked me if it was Break Day before every karate class for the last month. I broke two boards in each of two breaks this year, once with a fumi komi/stomp kick and once with a tetsui/hammer fist. I knew the stomp kick wouldn't be tough, but I was a little apprehensive about the hammer fist. My sensei explained we only hold Break Day once a year to allow for progression. It's easy to get addicted to breaking boards, and pretty soon you're trying something you're really not ready for and it becomes easy to get injured. Case in point, though I only broke one board with a hammer fist last year, I had a slight pain near my elbow that I felt every time I clenched my fist. The only explanation I could come up with? I injured something during the break. It was more an irritant than actual pain, but I really didn't feel up to dealing with it for the next few months. I did the stomp kick first, because I'm told that gives one an idea of what two boards will feel like. Makes sense, but of course my arms aren't near as big as my legs. The stomp kick felt like an easy break, and to be honest I didn't feel a huge difference between last year's single board and this year's two boards. Nevertheless, I did have a year of conditioning and practice before Break Day. Last year I only had a few months, and as a gold belt I'd only been doing hammer fist for a short time. As I took my practice swings this year, it felt a lot more natural, even swinging all the way down toward the floor. So I took a deep breath, stepped up to the board, and let out a good kiai with my strike. The boards didn't stand a chance. Even better? No surprise injuries this year! My hand stung a bit after the strike, but within a few minutes that passed and now, some sixty hours later, no other pains have materialized. Now, I'm sure some smart-ass out there is quoting Bruce Lee from Enter the Dragon: "Boards don't hit back." They're missing the point. It's not about a show of strength, it's about confidence. It's a good feeling to know you can do it, and it's an even better feeling when you can see a definite progression from one year to the next. For the kids it may be about using what they've learned or getting in front of a crowd and doing something cool without freaking out, but for me it's about having the confidence that my karate has had a definite, positive impact on my physical fitness. I'm already wondering if I could have broken three boards. I guess I'll find out next year.

Smartphone Showdown

Mike — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:43:31 +0000

The time has finally come for me to upgrade to a smartphone. I need a QWERTY keyboard, and the Internet access functions would be nice for several reasons. My choice is down to the MOTO Q9c or the HTC PPC6800 (known as the Mogul on Sprint). If anyone out there has experience with one or the other, please let me know what you think. Some quick background: I'm on US Cellular and this is what they offer. They're a CDMA network, so unlocked phones are not an option. They have Crackberries, but I'm not paying an extra $15 for the Crackberry service. I'd prefer a Palm phone over a Windows Mobile phone, but US Cellular only has WM phones. AT&T is not an option because their coverage sucks. If I were to buy an iPhone, it would be useless in a few months because AT&T reserves the right to cancel my contract since I'm in "partner coverage" 99% of the time. Verizon offers the next-best coverage in my area, but the Wife and I are full-time cellular and it's not quite good enough. Nextel claims coverage, but I have yet to see that bear true for a few Nextel users. Even if I could get coverage, I'd have to wait until January when my contract expires, and I don't have that kind of patience right now. So. The Q9c or the PPC6800. Thoughts? Update: I just found out I can get a Crackberry plan for the same price as a Windows Mobile plan. The extra $15 is only if I want to access corporate email, which I don't. As such I can add Crackberry Curve 8330 to the Showdown.

Screwing Up Spaghetti

Mike — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 05:01:00 +0000

I've always been of the opinion it's hard to screw up spaghetti. You boil up some noodles, heat up some sauce, maybe serve it up with garlic bread, and you're good to go. The sauce is the key ingredient of course, making or breaking the whole mix, but in general, there's nothing to it. It's worked for centuries, ever since Marco Polo stole noodles from China and some other guy poured tomato sauce all over them. Yet when you get south of I-80 in the great state of Illinois, people somehow find a way to screw it up. In fact, I've come to the conclusion people down here are like mad spaghetti scientists. They tell me they like to change things up because "spaghetti is boring," without taking into account that it's entirely possible their sauce just sucks. The first time I knew something was amiss was when a friend of mine cooked up her noodles, drained the water, then opened a can of sauce and poured it right into the same pot as the noodles. "What in the hell did you just do?" I asked her. Dumbfounded, she explained she was cooking spaghetti. I expressed doubt. Growing up, my family had spaghetti every Sunday. My parents still do, in fact. Friends coming over for dinner would rave about my mom's sauce, a blend she put together from different sources rather than open a single jar. Not once in all those years did she ever pour that sauce into a pot of hot noodles still sitting on the burner. Nor have I ever been to a restaurant -- anywhere -- that served their pasta in such a manner. I thought maybe she was just weird, but then learned my mother-in-law does the same thing. With angel hair pasta, no less. They say it ends up this way on the plate, so why not spare the extra pan? Because the sauce sticks to the noodles! They continue to cook it in the pot and everything congeals and sticks together. It's just not the same. My wife defended it by saying that's how it ends up the way we store leftovers, but leftovers are different; the initial meal is far more important than something I need to nuke up quick for lunch. And by the way, my wife does not cook our spaghetti this way. I almost put it in our marriage vows. The second oddity came from local restaurants. Somewhere along the line, someone determined pasta and fried chicken go together. I first encountered it at an all-you-can-eat chicken and spaghetti night, which my friends raved about. I soon discovered it at more restaurants, including one (alleged) Italian restaurant. They even serve it up with baked potatoes. Starch on top of starch? Odd. You want chicken with your spaghetti? That's what chicken parmigiana is for, people. Next came the tendency to bake pasta. Not just lasagna, mind, but every pasta dish. It was many years after I moved before I could get mostaccioli without it being baked into a casserole. My friends' parents made it that way, some relatives made it that way, and even a couple of restaurants made it that way. I guess all the layering of extra ingredients to make a really good lasagna is just too much work. The local reasoning seems to be "Sauce sucks? Throw in cheese and bake the shit out of it." Much like the pizza and Italian beef situations around here, I pretty much gave up. I lived and let live, content to let the locals continue in their ignorant ways while I get the real deal at home and visit the occasional restaurant that actually knows what they're doing. Then came insult to injury. My wife found a recipe called "Baked Spaghetti" in a cookbook compiled by a local church. We've lucked into some good recipes this way, and I suppose the occasional violation of Italian food ordinances can be forgiven, what with my wife's lack of appropriate zeal for the sacred art of pasta and the marital turmoil such disagreements can sometimes cause. (In other words, I sucked it up in case I wanted to get some that night.) That's when she broke out the bacon. Yes, bacon. Who in their right mind puts bacon in pasta? Apparently the same people who can't figure out it's time to change their freakin' sauce! So the bacon went into the mix and the whole thing, as indicated by its name, went into the oven. The end result? A thick stack of too-stiff noodles, a miserly layer of cheese, and a dribble of orange, watery sauce. When I griped about the noodles, my wife informed me the recipe called for two cups of water. Bacon and water in the core of pasta recipes. Cracker-thin pizza cut into 2" by 2" squares. An inability to tell the difference between Italian beef and Arby's roast beef sandwiches. Ye gods. I truly am a stranger in a strange land.

Son of Your Modern World

Mike — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 02:37:41 +0000

I just read that albinos are being murdered in Tanzania for the alleged magical properties of their limbs and organs. We've split the atom, condensed the sum total of human knowledge onto silicon chips, and have shot satellites into the depths of space, yet a significant portion of the world's population is still living in the Dark Ages. There may be parts of some cities I wouldn't walk through at night, but at least I don't have to live in fear of marauders hacking my legs off with machetes because they want to mix up some potion or another. Yeah, I'm glad most of us have put superstition and magic behind us. Modern societies just don't have room for -- oh, wait... never mind.

Civil Defense Meds

Mike — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 16:29:07 +0000

Civil Defense Meds Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I traced some phone lines into an old room at work which was once used by the local emegency services agency. This box is full of meds to run a shelter, and is probably a throwback to the nuclear paranoia of the Cold War. The instructions are dated 1962. The box says "no narcotics," but I bet these meds are really tasty now! No, I'm not feeling experimental.

Atomic Fear

Mike — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:29:01 +0000

Atomic Fear Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Along with the shelter medicine is this radiation kit. There's a dosimetry kit in here, as well as what may very well be a geiger counter (has nothing to do with aliens). I'm not sure it's a coincidence this stuff dates back to things like the Cuban Missile Crisis. I'm half surprised there's no "duck and cover" propaganda floating around. Hard to believe things were that bad 40-50 years ago. I wasn't that old when the Berlin Wall went down, and I think I was still a teen when the USSR collapsed. Now we get to worry about the Middle East, but I don't think it's quite the same. After all, even if Iran or their buddies have nukes, they don't have enough to glass the continent.

Trumping the Twitter Crapper

Mike — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 02:25:49 +0000

I installed two mobile WordPress plugins on my site, one to format this page for mobile surfers and the other to let me blog from my new CrackBerry Curve. I'm testing the latter with this post. It occurred to me I could make the much-maligned Twitter tweets from the crapper, but it further occurred to me I could take this thing into the bedroom. If I were to actually do so, I'd be able to trump the guys tweeting their dumps. Specifically, I could tweet sex. In theory, anyway. I imagine the meatspace side of my conversation would go like this: "Yeah, baby. Keep that up for a minute while I tap out this tweet." "I'd do that for you any other night, but right now I need my hands free for this tiny keyboard." "Hell yeah I'm uploading this camphone pic to Flickr! My readers will love it!" "Honey? Why are you putting your pants on?" "What do you mean I'm sleeping on the couch!" "Hello, 911? I need you to speak up: speaker phone is a bit muffled by the walls of my colon."

Why You Need JHMD!

Mike — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 01:31:09 +0000

Yes, need the chapbook Jack Haringa Must Die! This review tells you all about it.

The Garbage Car

Mike — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 03:58:17 +0000

Junkmobile Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. The Wife and I discovered this car at a local restaurant today. It's never been there before, so we presume it still runs despite being rusted out and minus rear shocks. What we don't understand is how the driver actually drives the damn thing. The thing is piled from floorboards to windows with newspapers and some miscellaneous garbage, leaving just enough room for the driver to sit. How exactly does the trash situation in a car get this bad? One would think once the floor disappears, it's a good sign that it's time to empty the trash at the next fill-up. Hell, at this point all the guy has to do is open the passenger side and let it flow. I have to wonder if this is a retired race car, and the insides have all been stripped. Maybe the newspapers and trash are the guy's idea of safety equipment. Redneck airbags, if you will. Maybe someone should tell him getting crushed and smothered by mountains of newspapers isn't going to be any more pleasant than the blunt-force trauma of a crash.

Today's Emissions

Mike — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 04:59:59 +0000

@BrianKeene I know where I can get a Mott the Hoople CD. Will that do? #
Rugrats earned all kinds of DQ certificates at VBS. May as well spend them! #
@LordShaper I prefer martial arts to a gym. A good sensei is like a personal trainer, and there's more motivation to keep going back. #
@LordShaper Kendo rocks, but I'm not sure it'll help you get into shape beyond motivating you to work out to improve your sparring & kata. #
@LordShaper Meanwhile with empty hand forms, I've seen people lose anywhere from 30 (me) to 70 (a woman from my school) pounds in 1 year. #
@LordShaper If you're really lucky, you'll find a school like mine that offers both. I can take karate, judo, kobudo, and kendo at my dojo. #
Time to shave the ol' nugget. Then business emails await. #
@LordShaper My son is 6 and loves it. It's a lot of fun to go to class together. #
@LordShaper It's likely an age thing. In class, 5 year olds do a lot better than the 3 and 4 year olds. That 1 year makes a difference. #
Laser printer comes on, lights flicker. Hrm... #
Time to get my ass in gear, for today's to-do list is long and grueling. Wish I could kill cultists like @VanHalen1970. #
Apparently Best Buy employees don't believe in answering phones. #
Safe is installed, shifted some things around in the office. Making steady progress in the pre-vacation to-do list. #
iPod is loaded with Karate Cafe podcasts. Now to rip a few more CDs. #
Time Machine backup running. If only that were as cool as it sounds. #
Putting the whip to iTunes, making it multitask like a mofo. Need lots of road music! #

Road Trip

Mike — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 14:45:15 +0000

I'm embarking on a road trip that will include about 12 hours of actual driving time with three young children. I'm either really brave or totally insane. (To some of you, there's no question.) I've already been asked if there's some mysterious agenda bringing the Four Horsemen together for the second time in a month. This is Oliveri, Keene, Huyck and Cooper we're talking about; of COURSE there's something going on! It's just not what anyone thinks. Copious amounts of lead will be returned to Mother Earth. Hide your salmon. (Yes, inside joke. Deal.) Moblogging will be likely as I put the CrackBerry through its paces. Twitter digests will go up daily. MySpace readers are SOL because MySpace sucks. If CNN starts reporting a trail of destruction across the Midwest, that's just my kids. Don't worry, FEMA will show up and make things worse.

Today's Emissions

Mike — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 04:59:59 +0000

BURN! BURN, PHOTOS, BURN!! (Also not as cool as it sounds.) #
@TodClark I thought Candlebox was long gone and hardly missed. #
Trip prep to-do list is completed! W00t!! #
@KentGowran My rugrats have been asking if it's time to go to PA since Friday. It's a good thing evolution makes kids cute. #
The van has GPS, my CrackBerry has GPS and 2 kinds of maps, and we printed a Google route map. I think we'll find our way. #
I can now tell which farmers planted their corn late by looking at their crop. That red neck stain around here must be contagious. #
If I renounce horror and start telling you Mitt Romney was this country's missed opportunity, kill me. #
Aaggghhh! The church! It burnss usss! #
Standing. #
Kneeling. #
Standing. #
Sitting. #
Standing. #
Kneeling. #
Watching people eat crackers. I'm not allowed. #
Kneeling. #
Standing. #
When my wife and in-laws read this, I'm a dead man. #
@vanhalen1970 @tomokato @kellidunlap I'm going to Hell for that bit. See you all there! #
On the road. Reviewing plans sent to me by a publisher. 2009 could be an interesting year. #
The commercial is right: there IS more than corn in Indiana. They also have beans. #
Playing leapfrog with a Mustang on the highway. What's up, guy? Our minivan too much for you? #
Just discovered a glove compartment we didn't know we had. How about that? We thought it was the airbag cover. #
@tomokato I don't have a problem with the car, just the dumbass behind the wheel. #
Middle child is officially sick of the car. Meanwhile, my Wife the Psychic Mom can figure out what youngest wants, but all I hear is babble. #
Dinner at some truck stop restaurant. Hopefully at least better than the BK in the gas station next door. #
Old man nearby is hacking up a lung. Yes, I'd LOVE a dose of pneumonia with my dinner! Thanks for asking. #
Wife wonders if he's having a heart attack. Sadly, we never have that kind of luck. #
Running the rugrats before getting back in the car. #

Chickens

Mike — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:27:43 +0000

Chickens Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Now that's a lot of chickens. Highway travel is strange sometimes. The next fun part is spotting all the funny Pennsylvania town names. Right now we're not far from Eighty Four, PA. Reminds me of people who name their kids things like Seven.

Today's Emissions

Mike — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 04:59:59 +0000

Does every trip to the bathroom with the rugrats HAVE to be an adventure? #
Crashing in Ohio, home of... nothing particularly interesting. #
This La Quinta's beds suck. #
The Midget sleeps like a rock. Meanwhile, you almost have to sit on the Squirt to keep him down. Kids are weird. #
It's too damn early to hear "Howdy folks!" #
@Greyhawk68 "Howdy, douchebags!" would ROCK! I just wasn't expecting "Breakfast with Hee-Haw." #
Washing my hands in the can, old man walks in, says "I eat here quite often and I've never smelled it like this." Um, oops... #
Just passed a yellow Lotus. What a cool little car. #
After the Lotus? A truckload of chickens. #
Sign says welcome to "wild and wonderful" West Virginia. Do I hear banjo music? #
Yet another Oliveri bathroom adventure. This time it's the Squirt screaming "But I didn't wipe yet!" at the top of his lungs. #
Survived West Virginia, land of "Why would we put gas stations near highway exits?" On to Pennsylvania. #
It's grillin' time! #

Ghost Writer

Mike — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:27:52 +0000

Ghost Writer Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Unca Brian just got himself a ghost writer. Little Bird will be writing OB'S CLUES, available from Leisure in February 2010. And oh, look, my bedroom is in the background!

Jim Mack's Black Bear

Mike — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 00:46:58 +0000

Jim Mack's Black Bear Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Of all the things I expect to find at an ice cream and mini golf place, a black bear is not on the list. There was a real Pavlovian thing going on with it, because the moment we walked over to the food vending machine, he started smacking his feeding chute around. We bought 3 handfuls of food for 75 cents; I'm not sure I could entertain the kids as well for that cheap anywhere else.

La Llama!

Mike — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 00:50:27 +0000

La Llama! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Jim Mack's also has an emu, goats, sheep, and llamas. There's a Monty Python joke in here somewhere, but I'll leave you to make it.

Today's Emissions

Mike — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 04:59:59 +0000

sm #
Smoking a Gurkha Black Label. Mighty fine smoke! #
@roscoeellis Check out WPhone for mobile WP admin and WordPress Mobile Edition for mobile browsing. Both are working great for me. #
@jackdrew Man, now you got me hungry for breakfast. Need to knock out a karate workout first. #
@BrianKeene and I are weighing our options for the day: get tattoos together or get snipped together. Decisions, decisions... #
Unca @BrianKeene is spoiling the rugrats with purchases from Comix Connection while I pick up Scalped and Un-Men trades. #
@tomokato @kentgowran What kind of drama is going on over there now? #
Now the rugrats are terrorizing a playground. 2 kids have already run out screaming. #
@tomokato Ah. @BrianKeene was going go on and lay the smack down. Good thing he didn't have to, because my kids are making him soft. #
@SCederlund You speak heresy regarding Princess Bride. If my wife heard you utter those words, she'd get her stake, rope, and matches. #
The rugrats have wore out Old Man @BrianKeene. Now they shall tear up his yard while he recharges his batteries. #
It's a pity they are too young for yard tools, for then the yard would in turn wear them out. #
http://twitpic.com/6nk3 - Unca @BrianKeene's ducks looking for chow #
@David_N_Wilson I hear ya. I hope to take full advantage of that in-between time where they're eager yet able to help. All 2 weeks of it. ;) #
Killer pork chops for supper. We now have a wicked potato recipe to take home, too. #
Also, REALLY regretting not having Scalped on my pull list. Will have to get 2nd trade soon. #
The rugrats are discussing the bathroom habits of Transformers and Dr. Doom. Apparently the latter soils his armor a la Sir Robin. #

Burn, Baby, Burn

Mike — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 01:00:06 +0000

Burn, Baby, Burn Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Big fires and ancient incantations. This is how things work at Journey's End. This is how the Four Horsemen ride.

Today's Emissions

Mike — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 04:59:59 +0000

http://twitpic.com/6ooe - Killer Ice Cream #
http://twitpic.com/6osy - Jim Mack's Black Bear #
http://twitpic.com/6otp - La Llama! #
@natesouthard I'm revoking your Bad MoFo license. You should not be jiggy with anything. Exchange your boots for Reeboks, you soccer mom. #
Just read some email that's got me charged up to write. With luck I can get the Wife to drive tomorrow so I can work in the car. #
The rest of the day will be spent staring at fish, sharks, and the various scary things lurking around Baltimore's Inner Harbor. #
@cullenbunn is obviously more dedicated than I... this week. #
Intended bedtime for tomorrow's trip: 10pm. Actual bedtime: 11:10pm. D'oh. #
Chances of waking wife for [censored] at this point? Approximately the same as my getting struck by lightning right... now. #
Okay... now! #
Now? #
NOW! #
Damn. #
Woke the rugrats with promises of sharks and penguins. For the moment they're watching Transformers Animated Series, which sucks rocks. #
Suddenly craving tacos. It is inexplicable. #
Searching York for the Huycks. #
Stuck with a (Not-So-)Tastykake thing for breakfast. Also, "extreme" chocolate milk must mean "we fucked it up for you." #
Schooling @kellidunlap in the ways of Mac from the highway. #
@TodClark The problem with that piece is the publisher doesn't appear to give a shit. ;) #
The National Aquarium ROCKS. Ooohhh, sharks! #
Dolphin show was good, but also disappointing. Only one big jump. #
The environmental message they're hammering home from every corner is getting very old. #
Their 4D Immersion Theater was definitely worth the price of admission. #
Now watching them run Windows Vista (suckers) on-screen. #
@KentGowran They have several small great whites! A hammerhead and a few others, too. #
The watershed show after the 4D is kinda lame. #
Scratch that: it's a snoozefest AND another preachy environmental commercial. #
Waiting on Patrick to return water to the Chesapeake Watershed. #
Had a great day with the Huycks: saw the aquarium, then checked out three of the Maritime Museum ships. Now headed back to @BrianKeene's. #
@tomokato I dig the environment and try to do my part, but I don't need them trying to make me feel guilty for merely existing. #
All these twists, turns, and hills apparently rob PA drivers of their ability to maintain a consistent speed, even on straight paths. #

Today's Emissions

Mike — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 04:59:59 +0000

Pizza ordered. Family must be fed or they will turn on me and eat my liver. #
Awoke to yet more emails from a new publisher. Great correspondence happening. This morning I may actually have time to respond in full. #
Unloaded the camera. Took over 350 pics. Yikes. Trimmed it back to 336 by dumping out-of-focus shots. #
Lunch soon, then on to Gettysburg. This one's more for the adults than the rugrats, but the Midget may be old enough to get it, too. #
@BrianKeene This is why you should have come to lunch. Perkins > 5-day-old pizza. #
Whoever laid out York's streets is either a sadist, an idiot, or has a pathological fear of left turns. Perhaps it's a little of each. #
Once more around the block. Why? Because we HAVE TO. #
Time to rewrite their tourism brochures: "York, PA: You Can't Get There from Here!" Douchebags. #
Gettysburg is a cool place. Never realized just how sprawling this three-day battle was. #
The Wife just turned down Motorhead. I shall lop off her hand at the wrist. #
The Gettysburg audio tour was very cool. The narrator gets a bit long-winded, but it's a great way to see all the main battle sites. #

Yet Another JHMD! Review

Mike — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 13:43:55 +0000

Just a brief break from my vacation to bring you another review of Jack Haringa Must Die!, the benefit anthology for the Shirley Jackson Awards. Just order it already. It rocks. As for the vacation itself, it's been going very well! MySpace users may want to jump over to my home page for the highlights as broadcast via CrackBerry moblogging and Twitter. I'm sure I'll have some cool pics up before long, too.

Today's Emissions

Mike — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 04:59:59 +0000

Returning to Journey's End with a belly full of Smokey Bones BBQ. Fuel for sowing the seeds of chaos. #
Would YOU want to have sex with @BrianKeene in a tent? Didn't think so. #
Leaving @BrianKeene to chat with the Twitter people. I am taking my wife to the tent. #
Taught the Squirt the essential male skill of peeing on trees. Little Bird is angry because she is not appropriately equipped. #
Now to attempt to get a little more shuteye while the Squirt is jumping around the tent, singing, and sticking his finger in my ear. #
Breakfast at a cash-only diner. This will end in tears. #
Taking the rugrats to the Indian Steps museum. #
The Four Families have invaded York. Flee in terror! #
@Locnar1970 Check the destination machine. Make sure firewalls aren't up and services are running. #

Today's Emissions

Mike — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 04:59:59 +0000

Just learned of the Four Little Ponies. Poor suckers. #
@BrianKeene You CAN, but why would you WANT TO? #
We have returned loaded with party supplies. Tomorrow, PA may just become a smoking crater. #
@kellidunlap So which one are you? #
New air mattress has either developed a small leak or doesn't like the added weight of the rugrats crawling into bed with us at night. #
Also just realized I haven't done a single karate technique all week. Feeling like a major slacker. #
Picking up Big Joe's slack for @BrianKeene. #
@BrianKeene's grill is deplorable. I guess his office is more important than his manhood. #
@cullenbunn There's a dirty joke in there, but I like your wife too much to make it. #
@cullenbunn Old cinders, ash, etc. add flavor. A long dead mouse, leaves, and spider webs do not. #
@cullenbunn I'm starting to think they put the grill out like a trap and fire it up whenever some unfortunate animal walks across it. #
@cullenbunn As for our other conversation, I find wives > black belts. #
@Locnar1970 @BrianKeene Agreed. I shall also have to get on Coop for letting a brother fall. #
@BrianKeene's grill is now passable, if inadequate. #
Is it too early for a cigar? #

Definitely a Reader

Mike — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 17:16:10 +0000

Definitely a Reader Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I enjoy reading, but I can't imagine how this many books can accumulate in one's car. Bookshelves, desks, nightstands, sure, but the car? If books were to start blocking my rear view, they'd go in the house. If there was no room in the house it would be time for a sanity check. Spotted at a rest stop on I-76 in Pennsylvania.

Today's Emissions

Mike — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 04:59:59 +0000

Wondering what keeps setting off neighbor's floods. Don't see anything big over there. Maybe the Cthulhu bullfrogs I keep hearing? #
Party rocked, btw. Thus no tweets. If I had time for Twitter, that may have indicated a lame party. This does not happen at Journey's End. #
Back is killing me this AM. Glad to be done with this air mattress. My chiropractor is going to lecture me, I'm sure. #
Empty beer Bottles. Scattered clothing. Crying females. Yep, the Four Horsemen threw another successful party. #
Almost done burning evidence (to CD). Time to get dressed and help @BrianKeene deal with the aftermath. #
Tent loaded. Van packed. Rugrats strapped in. Back on the road we go! #
@BrianKeene has convinced me Gurkhas are good smokes. Going to be some tough decisions for my next box. #
Speaking of, I'd better order soon because I host @Greyhawk68 and @Locnar1970 at the end of the month. #
@TheLionKing You're working on a Sunday? I'll definitely have to send you something! #
@Locnar1970 We'll probably have to chat about that this week. #
http://twitpic.com/78xr - Definitely a Reader #
Crossing into Ohio shortly. This means Squirt will be due for dump number 2 any time now. #
Browsing an artist's portfolio is surprisingly easy on the CrackBerry. #
About 20 minutes before I take the wheel. On the plus side, I get the radio, too. #
Ohio trooper shot by, cherries flashing, and whipped into the u-turn gap. Then we nearly t-boned him as he backed up to tighten his u-turn. #
That would have been a GREAT capper to the vacation week. #
The scruff of the neck: nature's steering wheel. #
You know you're at a rest stop when it costs 40 bucks for 4 meals at frickin' Sbarro's. #
@BrianKeene When you were in your 30s... You mean just last year? ;) #
Insult to injury at rest stop Sbarro: we had to repeat our order SIX TIMES -- I shit you not -- to the same person. Memory like a goldfish. #
@bobford I hear ginkgo biloba is even better for filling that gap. #
Wringing out the rugrats so we don't have to stop again in 10 minutes. If I can get them to conk out during the next DVD, we'll be golden. #

Today's Emissions

Mike — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 04:59:59 +0000

Welcome to Illinois, land of random tolls and $4.12/gal gas. Bastards. #
Home. Bed calls. #
Vacation meals and no karate make Mikey a fat man. #
@LordShaper Get the PS3. Then you've got yourself a Blu-ray player. #
@Hellstorm Not if you pick up the specials at Best Buy! PS3 is also our standard-def player now. Less clutter in the entertainment center. #
@Locnar1970 The karate stalking is a given, as are random punch buggy games, neither of which I suggest for your interview. ;) Good luck! #
Holy crap. I'll never catch up with these RSS feeds. Time to do a lot of "mark all read" clicking. #
Barely put a dent in the things waiting for me at work. I think it's time for a lunch break anyway. #
It's nice to be back on the motorcycle. Eve missed me, I can tell. I'll feed her this afternoon. #
Lunch done. Now to see what kind of mail is waiting from this week. My guess is all bills. #
@rdickerson @KellyLaymon Welcome to the Twitter addiction. Sit on down and tap a vein. #
Taking the rugrats on another brief road trip. Their lives depend on it. #
Rugrats and I back home. Coast appears clear; Mommy has come down from the bell tower. Keeping rugrats outside while I fire the grill. #

This Weekend, I Cease to Exist

Mike — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 05:02:42 +0000

For all practical purposes, anyway. The Wife will be taking the rugrats out of town, leaving me with an empty house. I've got a poker game Friday night, karate Saturday morning, and then I write. If I get bothered at home, I will pack up the laptop, jump on the bike, and ride out to somewhere quiet. If my phone keeps ringing, I'll simply "forget" it somewhere. Because I really, really need to get some writing work done this weekend. I received a flurry of emails last week from a publisher I'm working with, and things are moving along. It's nothing I can announce yet, but I can tell you that if things pan out, both my comic and my prose fans will be pleased. I've only today caught up with all of that email, and I'm on to artist searches. (That said, if you're a sequential artist or know one, feel free to point me to a gallery.) It's going to take some hustle. Again, nothing solid yet, but I can tell you I have no intention of wandering Wizard World Chicago aimlessly next year. I want to be planted behind a table or booth and shoving product into folks' hands. There's a good chance that will happen. Assuming I can cease to exist long enough to make it happen.

Then Life Happened

Mike — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 18:42:26 +0000

On the River Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I had every intention of writing yesterday, but a better offer came along. After karate class, some of my AOK classmates invited me to a boat trip on Peoria Lake along the Illinois River. How do you turn that down? Oh, right, discipline. Guess I should pay more attention to the self-discipline side of our lessons. I rode Eve out to our launch point, the IVY Club in Peoria Heights. Though I've lived out here for over two years now, I'd never ridden along the river, on the motorcycle or otherwise. That was a pleasant little trip in itself, and given the weather it would have been tough to pick a better time to do it. Setting out on the river itself was a great ride, too. It had been years since I've been on a boat, and the calm waters made for a relaxing ride. We had a few drinks, then docked along the Riverfront to grab some chow at Joe's Crab Shack. I thought it was great that the city set it up for boaters to do that, and I'm told ten years or so ago it wouldn't have been possible. At Joe's, I learned to eat crab. Sawing open the legs to find the meat reaffirmed my position that there's something unholy about crawly sea creatures, but I have to admit, they do taste pretty goddamn good (especially with a mojito on the side). Then it was back on the river where we waited for Blue Oyster Cult to take the stage at Riverfront Park during a big bike event that was going on. We may not have been able to see the band, but we could hear them easily. A comfortable seat on the river with a cooler by your side beats the hell out of fighting through a crowd and having to stand around on concrete and asphalt, too. So let's review the day: karate class, boat ride, crab, Blue Oyster Cult, and great company. My only regret is I had no cigars to bring along, something I promised my friends I'd rectify next time. Given all that, would you stay home and write? I didn't think so.

Brimstone Turnpike Now Shipping

Mike — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 04:03:31 +0000

I've heard Brimstone Turnpike is shipping at last. I'm trying to remember when I wrote the novella, "Warning Signs", included in this book. 2003? 2004? Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled it will finally see print. I can't wait to get my hands on copies. It's just with a novella that old, I hope it doesn't suck. And with that I'm going to bed. The hell weeks that kick off the school year are sucking the life out of me. Update: The contract was dated March of '03 and had all the details of the novella listed, which means I probably wrote the story in late '02. Swell. It's probably just typical paranoia, but I'm always afraid to read my work from that long ago.

How Rumors Start

Mike — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 16:55:51 +0000

Karate class kicked my ass last night. The last class on Tuesday is at least as much workout as karate, and this time it was just Sensei and I. We got in a good workout including kata (normal, tension, and balance beam!), push-ups, jump rope, and so on, and though it wasn't a whole lot more intense than our typical Tuesdays, I was absolutely wiped out by the end. I felt like my gi was on fire and twice had to take a brief break to make sure I wasn't going to puke on the mat (a cardinal sin). Afterward I dropped off a load of old computers at a local recycler. This meant a little more heavy lifting, and the dusty old equipment got my t-shirt good and dirty. That done, I saddled up to head home, only to see a text message from the Wife: "Stop and pick up some mouthwash." The only problem is I have no cash; the Wife cleaned me out a couple days ago to buy something for dinner. I hate using the debit card for one item, so I called her and asked her what else we needed. I head into the store. I pick up a giant bottle of Scope, a bottle of chocolate milk in a fancy glass bottle, and a bottle of ketchup. I go to the checkout. Who's manning the checkout? A student from the school I work for. I muster a pleasant greeting and hand over my selections. It occurs to me, then, that I look like a wreck and am making a rather odd assortment of purchases. Holy crap, I look like I'm stoned. From a teenager's point of view, I'm obviously worn out and bleary-eyed, I must need to cover the stench of something in case I get pulled over, and I have a really bizarre case of the munchies. It's a damn good thing I couldn't find the marshmallows. It doesn't help that I wander the halls like a zombie these first few weeks of school because I'm constantly pummeled with tech requests. I can see it now: "I saw Mr. Oliveri last night. Now I know how he copes with three buildings full of teachers and students chasing him around!" *Sigh.* And my Wife wonders why I hate shopping locally.

Smoke Blog: Avo #3

Mike — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 03:14:20 +0000

It's been quite some time since I blogged a cigar, but as good as the Romeo y Julieta Reserva Real may be, there's only so much that can be said about them. Now that I've finished that box this summer, I felt it was time for the next great smoke. Normally the Avo line is out of my price range (single, celebratory smokes excepted), but I found a great deal at an online store and pounced. I would prefer to visit a brick and mortar cigar shop, but I don't always have that luxury out here. Plus it's damn hard to turn down a savings of nearly 50%. The Avo is every bit as good as I remembered and then some. Their smooth draw and solid construction make them a joy to hold, and they produce plenty of silky smoke. The bold, earthy flavor gives way to a creamy finish with a hint of leather. This finish survives to the next puff, but is far from overstaying its welcome. In short they are worthy successors to my beloved RyJ Reserva Reals, if not superior. I'm on my third from the box and it's just as pleasing as the first. If this continues, I won't hesitate to order the next box.

Politics, Politics, Politics, Politics

Mike — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 16:52:56 +0000

The political process in the US is broken. On the left, we have a young, inexperienced black man with wide appeal who brought in an old white dude to give himself credibility. On the right, we have an old white dude with credibility who brought in a (somewhat) young, inexperienced woman to give himself wider appeal. The left has the black vote, so the right upstages it with a shot at the female vote. I don't buy into the Obama hype machine, and I'm especially not going to vote for him with Joe Biden behind him. I'm not thrilled with McCain, but I'm especially not going to vote for him with Sarah Palin behind him. Does either side care about the best candidate anymore? Not from where I'm standing. It's about who is the most electable candidate. It's not about taking care of the country, it's about keeping the party in power. And they both fuel the myth that there are only two parties in this country, which, sadly, the media perpetuates. To Hell with them both. I'm voting for Bob Barr and the Libertarian Party. Not (just) because I want to spite the other two parties, but because I can vote for him without feeling like I'm choosing the lesser of two evils. Because I can vote for him without having to "hold my nose" and pull the lever for Candidate X, as one of my friends recently put it. Because I happen to agree with Barr on many issues, and because a third party is the real change I can believe in. I've heard the usual arguments against this: I'm throwing away my vote; I'm splitting the vote in favor of one side or the other; the electoral college will never place a vote for a third party; blah, blah, blah. That may be true for the moment, but I think that's changing. Ventura got Minnesota on a third party ticket. The last Illinois election for governor landed the Green Party more votes than any third party in the state's history. I think people are becoming more and more disillusioned with the current bi-partisan system and are looking for alternatives, and the Internet has finally given them a way to find those alternatives. If you honestly like Obama or McCain, then fine, by all means, vote for them. If you don't like either one of them, then please, don't flip a coin or just stay home, do some research and pick the candidate who is right for you. For me, again, that candidate is Bob Barr.

Horror Fans Explained

Mike — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 03:36:27 +0000

It turns out some of us may just be wired for horror. According to an article in the Telegraph, scientists have found a sort of genetic switch that determines whether a person will laugh or squirm when watching a horror flick. Given The Exorcist and Hostel had zero effect on me, and I laughed my ass off at the pseudo-trailer for Thanksgiving during Grindhouse, it's not hard to figure out which way my copy of the gene is flipped. I'm curious, then, how the genetic findings might affect a similar study of how the gross-out factor can produce physical effects. This article even features an allegedly disgusting paragraph; like some movies, it didn't bother me at all. If that weak little vignette about puke made some of the study participants ill, I can't imagine their reactions were they to sit through a World Horror gross-out contest. Cullen Bunn's ass-bursting, Lovecraftian sea monkeys and Brian Keene's worm-eating and spit-swallowing shenanigans would put them off their lunches for a month. How about bread made to look like human body parts? I don't know about you, but I'm ready to make a sandwich. There it is. Next time someone asks you how you can read some of Edward Lee's more popular works, tell them it's genetic. Then read them your favorite passage.

The Bane of Comics Writing

Mike — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 03:46:49 +0000

It's just after 10pm. I've had a damn long day and I'm ready to pass out. The Wife's watching tennis, which isn't helping my struggle for consciousness. All I want to do is go to bed, but I've got 20 tabs open in Firefox, all of them aimed at artists' galleries on DeviantArt. I need an artist. I lost count of how many pages I surfed through to find these 20, but I've been at it for a few hours now. If I'm lucky, a few of them will be worth contacting, and one of them will be willing to work for the terms I'll be able to offer. If I'm lucky. I used to say writing for comics was easier than prose because I can bang out script a lot faster, and editing is faster still. Taken as a whole, however, the job of writing for comics is a pain. If I want to sell a novella, it speaks for itself. If I want to sell a comic, the first question people ask is "Who's the artist?" Even if I'm sold on an artist, I have to turn around and sell the artist to the publisher, too. Then I get to hope the artist doesn't flake out the following week. But damn it, I love the medium, and it's a thrill seeing the right artist bring my creations to life is beyond thrilling. Sleep is for the weak.

The Grim Disparity Between Fantasy and Reality

Mike — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 04:37:33 +0000

When you hear the word nurse, what do you think of? If you're a guy -- or, at least, me -- this won't be far off the mark: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="358" caption="I really need to get my wife into one of these"][/caption] Sadly, the reality is a lot more like this: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="150" caption="Goodbyyyyyyye, Nurse!"][/caption] How did the medical industry get it so wrong? Or is it the porn industry that got it wrong... Either way, it's a disparity I don't understand. It's not like the history of nursing has done our deepest fantasies any favors: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="One look cures priapism."][/caption] Yeah. That just screams sexy. Then there's the whole problem of scenario. Porn: "I stubbed my toe. Can we have sex now?" Reality: "*Hack, cough, wheeze!* I'm sick. *Achoo!* Is there somewhere I can throw up?" Again, one of these things is not like the other. On the rare occasion I encountered an attractive nurse, I had pneumonia. Had I been single and interested, I can't imagine any conversation that might have lead to a positive outcome. "I promise I'm rather suave when I'm not coughing up viscous, green phlegm and carrying a 103-degree fever. Can I have your phone number?" That would have her throwing herself across the x-ray table, wouldn't it? I even pissed her off by ruining two x-ray films because I couldn't hold my breath for longer than five seconds. Not to mention the whole coughing in her hair thing. (Hey, she saw my chart. She's the one who told me to take a deep breath when I have a chestful of lungmung. She could have just fired up the nuke machine instead of busting out the stethoscope, but noooo, she had to play doctor.) In that kind of shape, I bet even George Clooney couldn't have scored her phone number. Of course when you're well, hot nurses become an endangered species. Nothing beats being told to watch your cholesterol intake and to get plenty of exercise by someone who had to buy a reinforced chair. I also know of a clinic that probably had to reinforce the floor to support the nursing staff. One quickly becomes thankful that nurse uniforms are designed the way they are. Reality sucks like that.

The Bullshit, It Buries Us

Mike — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:02:17 +0000

Proof that politics = bullshit. Thanks to John for the original post.

Evil Bitey Things Lurking in Our Midst

Mike — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 04:29:35 +0000

I shot this spider with my Canon Digital Rebel XSi, but I was tempted to go back in for the 12 gauge. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Step into my web, little fly"][/caption] I'm pretty sure this is an Argiope, and its body alone is an inch long. It's not supposed to be a biter, but I don't plan to get close enough to find out. The problem with shooting a pic like this is when you have the camera to your eye, the subject looks huge. When it suddenly pounced on some prey, I was convinced it had just leaped into my shirt and was going to sink its fangs right into my heart. I jumped back and banged my already-sore knee on the sidewalk. At least I didn't drop my camera. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="The evil, it feeds"][/caption] I don't know what it ate, but the victim was gone in a flash. It used three of its legs to stuff the carcass into its mouth. I'm sure it's only looking for bugs, like all the baby crickets that appeared around our garage this week, but I can't shake the feeling it's trying to catch my cat. Or my kids.

The Virus Interview

Mike — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 22:04:55 +0000

My German-language publisher, Otherworld Verlag, sent me scans of my appearance in Virus magazine. It's a PDF file you can check out right here. The first two pages are the interview itself (you'll have to understand German to read it), followed by a page with an Otherworld ad featuring Das Tödliche Geschlecht (aka Deadliest of the Species) and the magazine's front cover. I was thrilled to see they gave me two full pages. From the look of the magazine, they're the German equivalent of Fangoria and Rue Morgue. It's hard to beat press like that! The publisher also tells me reviews have been good and sales are keeping pace with the market. Some of the reviewers seem to expect some hidden message or think I have a problem with women, but they all agree the book is well written. I can't ask for more, really. We're both hoping for an upswing in sales as the holdiays roll in, and while I'm glad reviewers are talking about the book, I'm looking forward to hearing from new fans.

The Turnpike Stops Here

Mike — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 02:52:43 +0000

At long last, Brimstone Turnpike has arrived. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Hell has frozen over"][/caption] Thanks to all who have preordered it, and I hope you dig my contribution, "Warning Signs". I imagine your copies will be arriving soon, and Amazon orders shouldn't be far behind. My own paranoia aside, I think readers are in for a fun ride. Kealan has put together a good lineup, and I could hardly ask for a better batch of writers to share a cover with. Order, read, and enjoy.

I Want to Be a Scientist

Mike — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:55:30 +0000

A mad scientist, of course, but these days it may not be far off. The tardigrades that NASA fired into space have now returned, having survived exposure to both the extremes of the stellar vacuum and exposure to cosmic rays. I think that would be a fun job, blasting random critters into space. I can think of several candidates right off the top of my head, unintended consequences be damned. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="415" caption="Does this tardigrade look different to you?"][/caption] I'd also like to be the guy who gets to push the button on the Large Hadron Collider. They've already beamed a few test protons through it, and tomorrow they're set for the big experiment. Of course, there are several people who think that the experiment will be the end of the world. Pfft. I say fire it up. These are the same kind of people who thought the Manhattan Project would ignite the atmosphere and kill us all. Or that every electronic device on the planet would shut down on Y2K. They just don't understand the science behind what they're talking about. To that, I say educate yourself: Now, let's talk about testing my Large Hardon Collider...

Spawn of Your Modern World

Mike — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 16:30:50 +0000

In this edition of Your Modern World, we have a group of farmers bringing suit against the government because they think RFID tagging of livestock constitutes the mark of the beast per the Book of Revelation. These farmers, primarily Amish, refuse to use RFID tags to identify their cows, pigs, and so forth, because it goes against their religion and they object to the government forcing them to use the technology. I'm all for the separation of church and state, and I think it works both ways: the government shouldn't be interfering with the Amish's religious beliefs any more than the Amish's beliefs should influence government policy. However, if the Amish expect to sell their products outside of their communities, they need to suck it up and abide by the law. I fail to see how placing an inert tag in a pig's ear -- which will later be scanned by the buyer -- violates their tenets against the use of technology. They could use a paper tracking system, in which case an RFID tag would be no different than a stamped tag, until they make the hand-off to the buyer. Of course, saying all that validates the stupidity of the mark of the beast allegation. Do we even know what the mark is? The bible quote in question is:

Rev. 13:16-17 - "He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads, and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or the name of the beast, or the number of his name."

Okay... What is this mark? What does it look like? Is it literal or figurative? Also, it refers to men with the mark of the beast, not beasts with the mark of men. Whether we define the beast as an animal, a demon, or Lucifer, it seems to me an RFID tag doesn't apply. Men created RFID tags, not cows or mythical monsters. An RFID tag is nothing more than a number, period (and it's a lot bigger than 666). It becomes the key in a database of whatever information the farmers and/or the government decide to associate with said key. It's no different from branding an animal to say "Hey, this cow is mine." Or tattooing a number on an animal. Or hanging a stamped tag from their ear. Or whatever method these farmers use to track their animals. One thing separates a database maintained by pencil and a databased maintained by computer: convenience. They both do the exact same thing. Yet somehow once electrons become involved, some people move off into the world of magic and superstition. Reading deeper into the article, I love how the prevention or avoidance of terrorism is becoming a convenient excuse to justify lawsuits. In a nutshell, the suit claims that if the farmers have to quit farming because they refuse to participate in placing the mark of the beast upon their livestock, the terrorists win. Whatever. If this suit actually makes it to court, I'll lose a lot of faith in our legal system.

The Secret Lives of Teachers

Mike — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 03:40:10 +0000

Most people don't think of teachers as bikers, but as it happens five of us at the school district I work for ride. We've been talking about getting a picture since the school year started, and today we finally made it happen. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="The Rocket Riders MC"][/caption] The Rocket is our school's mascot, so we thought it would be fitting to take the picture in front of it. We have three of the major bike manufacturers covered: Yamaha, Honda, and Harley. Honda dominates with a Rebel (Jessica forgot to ride it in so it's not pictured) and two Shadows. My 250cc Virago felt a little wimpy next to these guys, but it's cool. It's a fun picture, and it may even show up in the yearbook. Now you know who the principal calls when he needs to lay down extra discipline in the halls.

The Internet is a Strange, Strange Place

Mike — Sat, 13 Sep 2008 04:47:55 +0000

There's a good theory that says if you want to earn a living as an artist (or writer, I presume), you need 1000 true fans. If these 1000 fans will purchase everything you produce, you can make a full-time living. The trick is connecting with these 1000 fans. The Internet makes it easier than ever to do so, but what really amuses me is the people who seem to think there's some magical formula to it. I see Twitter spam promising it, I see blogs promising it, and of course there are scads of email messages circulating that promise everything from search engine optimization to astroturfing to traditional marketing will send site hit counters through the roof (without really telling you how to capitalize on those hit counts, but that's a subject for another day). Tell me something. Do you really think there's a formula to explain something like lolcats? If there is, I imagine it contains a lot of Latin and pentagrams. You just don't know what's going to click with people. Brian probably isn't far from hitting 1000 true fans, if he's not there already, but he did it the traditional route with a simple blog and lots of production. He's certainly no Technoviking. Some big dude dances around in front of a camera and boom, it's a viral hit. Over four million views on one copy of the clip alone, and almost 10,000 comments. Some of us would kill for numbers like that. The question is, is anyone making money on those hits? It's arguable as to whether or not YouTube/Google is, given the bandwidth costs four million views of a four-minute video are going to generate. And that doesn't take into account the remixes. The Technoviking gets subtitled, and itself earns 72,000 hits. It's not four million, but it's not traffic to ignore. Any money in that? No. He can even get over 100,000 hits dancing with M.C. Hammer and not generate a dime for either of them. But wait! It gets better! Sometimes a remix just isn't enough. Sometimes you must take two memes and combine them into one. Behold as the Technoviking laments the disposition of his beloved hobbits: By the way, my body looks like that, ladies. I just cleverly conceal it under a thick layer of padding... I digress. This little gem has over 300,000 hits. Again, it's well shy of four million, but it's substantial for something so simple. The formula for real Internet success is the same as anything else: hard work and a product people are interested in buying. Everything else is just another example of everything that's both wonderful and wrong on the Internet.

Charge Up the Batteries

Mike — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 03:58:36 +0000

I should be writing right now. Instead I'm talking to you people about motivation while I watch a UFC retrospective show, and I'm lamenting on how Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and Prison Break are both on downhill slides due to chronic failures to address any form of reality. Flawed product or not, at least those writers are working. Maybe the problem is as simple as I'm watching what they're working on rather than working on something you could be reading, and their work is sapping my creative strength. Instead of creating, I'm re-writing all of the astounding bullshit occurring on-screen and wondering how I can go about getting a series pitch in front of a Fox exec's eyeballs. Oh, look, Anderson Silva just put a hurtin' on Nate Marquardt. Huh? Oh, yeah. Writing. Damn idiot box. It used to be I could write in front of the television. In fact, I almost needed to, as the noise made a welcome distraction. An occasional glance at an action sequence or flash of titty while the gears were spinning and the fingers weren't was almost helpful, not hurtful. Now? Now I get the same slack-jawed, hundred-yard stare the rugrats get when they're watching Transformers. Wow, the Philly-Dallas game is close! It's getting hairy for my fantasy team, The Magnificent Bastards, too. Damn. I did it again, didn't I? So let's talk about motivation. They say there's only one motivation that counts: the desire to write. That's true to an extent, but let's face it: desire without discipline doesn't amount to much, and without moolah -- or at least results -- to justify the discipline, it's just a hobby. That's right, I said justify. They're replaying Forrest Griffin vs Shogun Rua! Sweet! Whoops. I'm back. What'd I say? Oh yeah, justify discipline. I still enjoy writing. I really do. Yet it's tough to justify the time spent away from my family, my chores, and my other hobbies when there's no result from the writing. While a cliché like "a writer needs to write" sounds really cool, the fact of the matter is it's a load of pretentious horse shit. The truth is a writer needs to be read. Sure, there are guys out there with trunk novels they wouldn't submit if their lives depended on it, but they're the exception. Those are the guys who are happy to just write. The rest of us want to entertain you. The rest of us want the results of said entertainment, be it as simple as money and fame or something more emotional like validation and exhibitionism. "But Mike," someone always says, "you're published! You've got stuff out there!" Yes, but how recent? Restore from Backup took a couple years to sell. Brimstone Turnpike was five years in the waiting. Five. Years. That top secret book deal I mentioned a while back? The publisher is having some difficulties, and more recently has gone incommunicado. That's happened twice before, and while I'm willing to be patient for this project, history suggests I shouldn't hold my breath. No, it's not all doom and gloom. A conference call last week went very well, and now I've got deadlines. My German publisher is also willing to look at more of my work. Justification or not, I best muster some discipline. Basking in their interest and contemplating potential money is nice, but it's exactly green in hand, is it? I read how Neal Stephenson's typewriter forced him to write: if he didn't keep the keys moving, the plastic ribbon melted, which meant no more writing. That gave me an idea. Well, two ideas, but switching to Vista and having to hurry up and write between crashes and reboots would quickly get annoying. So, one idea: A taser. A taser hooked up to my nads, to be exact. Every time my words-per-minute rate falls below a certain threshold, my baby makers get 10,000 volts. And there'd be a perimeter sensor on it, too. I walk too close to the TV? Bzzzzzaaaaappp!! That's motivation!

Riding Responsibly

Mike — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:54:13 +0000

The Rugrats Ride Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. This right here is exactly why I always where a helmet. I know people who feel helmets interfere with their vision and hearing, so they feel they're safer without a helmet because they'll have a better chance to avoid an accident. I also know people who think a helmet will save their life but leave them a vegetable, and they'd rather die than have that happen. That's fine. I don't have a problem with that. I don't feel helmets should be legislated, but I'll always wear one. First of all, I feel it's my responsibility to do so for my family. I think there are more cases of helmets saving lives and preventing (or at least limiting) head injuries than there are instances of riders left in comas. It's like the seatbelt argument: sure, there are instances where seatbelts have done more harm than good, but they're in the minority. If I'm going to take up something like riding, I need to be as safe as possible for the sake of my family. The second reason is a name: Ben Roethlisberger. Remember his motorcycle accident? It was a low-speed crash and probably not life-threatening. However, he wasn't wearing a helmet, and his head went through a windshield. Welcome to the world of reconstructive surgery. I'm not a rich starting quarterback, so I doubt I'd have been able to afford all the surgery and to be arguing with insurance companies over what gets paid for and what doesn't. Given I'm more likely to get hit in town at low speed, I'll stick with the helmet and protect my ugly mug as best I can. See you on the road.

Making the Magic Happen

Mike — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 00:15:27 +0000

Avo & Me Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Friends & Family Day at the karate dojo went well today. Now we've got a quiet weekend evening with no real plans, giving me some much-needed time to play catchup and get some writing done. That's why I'm out front with an Avo #3 and the MacBook Pro. I'm looking at some sketches from an artist for one project and doing a quick bit of research for another. I'm catching up with a couple Twitter friends and doing some web maintenance. I'm grabbing the day's pics off the camera and preparing them for upload. Most important, I'm clearing away all distractions to get some writing done tonight. A good cigar centers me. When it's finished, I'll retire to the office, cue up a playlist of writing music, and start hammering on the keyboard. Ten pages of script are due on the 30th. If I focus, I can get them done tonight. Now if only I can narrow down the selection between these two possible villains for the book...

Your Electric Car is Almost Here

Mike — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 05:41:56 +0000

I just finished reading a Wired article featuring Shai Agassi and his company, Better Place. It's very much worth a read if you're at all interested in electric cars, alternative energy, and weaning the world off the oil teat. Just a couple pages into the article I was ready to buy one of his new cars. Yes, there are going to be bumps in the road; lots of whining and buts and I-don't-thinks. But you know what? It's like Yoda said: "Do or do not. There is no try." You can read it all and come to your own conclusions, I have something else I wanted to talk about. Agassi and his company are are changing the distribution model slightly, but for the most part it still follows the traditional pattern of the current petroleum infrastructure: you pull up to the charging station and top off your batteries. Better Place takes it a step further by having additional stations where you can swap out your entire battery when necessary, be it if you can't get a full charge fast enough or if your battery is just wearing down. (By the way, with his numbers, annual swapping/charging costs are only a third of what you spend on gasoline at $4/gallon.) Why not do away with charging stations altogether? Just have the battery swapping stations, not both. The example they give is a person pulls into a charging station, plugs in (or a hydraulic arm plugs you in automatically), and tops off. Sounds familiar, right? Since we're talking about electricity now, why not just move these charging stations to the customer's ultimate destinations? Whether you have to go shopping or sit down for breakfast, you 're going to be in the building for some time. Rather than letting the car sit idle in the parking lot, if Better Place sells/licenses/leases/whatever their charging stations to the company, you can plug it in and let it top off while you're shopping. Employers and city garages could install them and run it off their existing power. Apartment complexes could do the same. (I can hear you now: strains on grid, blah blah blah. Go read the article. It's no more far-fetched than what Agassi is already proposing. If people stop fighting wind farms and nuke plants, it wouldn't be an issue.) This solves another problem: because you're constantly charging the battery, you don't keep running empty. If I have to run to three different stores and can plug in at least one, I should be covered. If I can't juice up at home, maybe all my other stops let me juice up enough that I don't have to sweat it. And if not, there's the battery swap station (which will no doubt also have charging available). The charging/swapping combo is what you sell to the existing gas station owners. Now they don't have to deal with gas brokers and speculation and refinery shutdowns, they just have to work with their local electrical utility. Gas stations that already have fast food joints in them are a no-brainer because now people can come in, suck down a coffee and a McMuffin, and return to a fully-charged car. If I'm running a gas station without a restaurant, I'm ecstatic. Now the people who pay at the pump and drive off may come in and wait while their battery is charging because they don't have to babysit the flow of gasoline anymore. Now I'm selling more impulse goods. Maybe I put in a small lounge with a couple seats, a newspaper rack, and a coffee machine in easy reach. Maybe I install a television. Maybe I install a wi-fi hotspot for the power broker who can't wait five more minutes until he gets to the office. Anything to keep the foot traffic coming and giving me a chance to sell them something. Or maybe I'm just having flashbacks to my retail days again. UPDATE 10/23: A Better Place has just landed a deal to build an electric car network in Australia.

The Karate to Come

Mike — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 05:15:13 +0000

I just dumped several pictures on my Flickr account from two recent events at the Academy of Okinawan Karate, the school where I study Shuri-ryu. Some came from last month's graduation, and the remainder are from this weekend's Friends & Family Day demonstrations. These events are a lot of fun for me, not just because some of my friends and classmates are out there but because I get an idea of what's to come in my training. There are almost always demonstrations by black belts and other advanced students showing off their kata, weapons kata, Judo, and more, and I always find myself guesstimating how long it may be before I start learning some of those same moves. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Tap out!"][/caption] A few months ago, my sensei asked me if I wanted to be a black belt. It was tough to answer at the time, because it's a long path to black belt at our school. I'm told it takes most students 5-7 years, even if the student makes it to ikkyu, or first-degree brown belt, fairly quickly. Some students reach that point, lose patience, and drop out or go to another school. To make things even tougher, I can hardly sit still. My family moved six or seven times when I was a kid, and now wanderlust creeps up on me every few years. The Wife and I have had three different homes and I've shifted through two careers (not counting writing), four employers, and a stint as a student while we've been married. It's hard for me to picture what I'll be doing and where I'll be living next year, much less five years from now. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Have a nice trip?"][/caption] The commitment is not unlike going back to school. There's a tuition involved, and though it's not as steep as many schools, it's not cheap. There's the time commitment, and the willingness to work it into a schedule around one's full-time job and supporting a family. I can tell you now, if I decided to return to school for a real degree, the pros and cons would not be all that different. Like school, the outcome would be personal development. I may not be able to parlay a black belt into a larger paycheck in the same way I could a bachelor's degree, but it would be hard to question the physical and mental (as opposed to intellectual) development. I've heard of similar development from some of our advanced students, and I've even seen the development in some of my classmates, particularly the younger ones, in the relatively short time I've been studying. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="When a board meets an immovable object."][/caption] So far my interest in karate is still as strong as it was after my first week. I still look forward to every class, and I hate having to miss class. When I missed a full week due to travel, I felt like a stranger walking into the dojo. I pay close attention to the ranks just ahead of me, hoping to pick up a few things before I start learning their kata and techniques myself. I've even started reading martial arts books, such as Gichin Funakoshi's Karate-Do: My Way of Life and Zen in the Martial Arts. I think I'm as hooked on karate as I am writing. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="Most certainly not walking on sunshine"][/caption] There have been times that little tickle of wanderlust appears, or friends or family will suggest we move out closer to them, and I'll open up a real estate website and browse housing prices to satisfy my curiosity. The next search? I hit Yellowbook or surf the International Shuri-ryu Association directory to see if there are any dojos in the area, and at least once I've ruled out moving to an area because there wasn't a single dojo in range. I'd say that pretty much tears it: I want to be a black belt. I want to be a black belt as much as I want to be a full-time writer. I think it would be great to spend my days in a mix between training and writing. The reality may not be that simple, but just the same, I think it's a goal worth aiming for. I best start making more of the magic happen.

What The Octagon Taught Me About Ninjas

Mike — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 04:02:29 +0000

When I was a kid, I thought The Octagon was one of the coolest ninja movies ever. Thanks to AMC, watching it again after a good two decades has re-educated me about ninjas. Here are some of the highlights:

Ninjas have nothing better to do than shanghai a bunch of mopes and forcibly train them to be ninjas themselves.
Ninjas have no ground game. Hold them under water and they will blow bubbles until they die.
Ninjas are perfectly silent, even when attacking (no kiai) or dying (no cries of pain).
Ninjas in Flash Gordon armor are exempt from number 3 if a) they know how to hiss and b) they are on fire.
Ninjas are very, very flammable.
Ninjas will never sound the alarm, no matter how many of them you kill.
Ninjas hang out under porches, under beds, underwater, and around ceilings, just in case you happen to walk by.
Ninjas in Flash Gordon armor aren't as tough as they look.
Ninjas will put away their katana in favor of sai, then forget all about their katana when you disarm them of their sai.
Ninjas will only try to stab you in the eyes with the sai. Otherwise they will just smack you with the pommel.
Ninjas will just up and walk away if you make it to their boss.
Ninjas succumb to single punches and kicks, much like your average, cannon fodder bad guy.
Ninjas will get up nice and close to kill you in your sleep, and use hand claws you can block instead of a good katana.
Ninjas may whack you with a bo, but it's cool, it doesn't hurt.
Ninjas will run circles around you in the sand, but not once think to blind you with it.
Ninjas will put you in a big bamboo cage when they finally manage to catch you, rather than just cut you to ribbons.
Ninjas only attack one at a time, even when they come at you in groups.
Ninjas may get behind you, but rather than throw something at you they will close in on you.
Ninjas who do get the advantage from behind you will still attack the front of your body.
Ninjas are nothing compared to the awesome power of Chuck Norris.

Cheesy ninja fare at its best! I get the feeling I best not go looking for Enter the Ninja or American Ninja.

Archon Schedule

Mike — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 12:10:02 +0000

The folks at Archon have published their pocket schedule for this weekend's activities. Here's what's in store for me: FRIDAY Make Prose Work for your Book Dev Hanke, Michael Oliveri, Joey Froehlich GC Salon D:5 8:30 pm *Will The Technology of Today Be Obsolete Tomorrow? Rich Zellich, Tom Meserole, Michael Oliveri, J. D. Streett GC Mississippian 9:40 pm SUNDAY Let's Scare Them Half-To-Death Michael Oliveri, Joey Froehlich, E. E. Knight, Ruth Souther Monsters and other horrors GC Salon D:5 11:10 am I don't know how I managed to get Saturday off, but I don't think I'll complain. Also a reminder Cullen Bunn and I will have a table in the dealers room to shill our respective comics. Stop on by and say hi! We don't bite.

New Belt, New Kata, New Challenge

Mike — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:41:35 +0000

Last night I earned my purple belt in Shuri-ryu. I've been looking forward to this for a long time. A lot of new material comes with the purple belt, and several of our higher ranks have told me purple belt is when our karate really starts to come alive. I'll also learn a new kata called Empi Sho (aka Enpi). The Shotokan version of the kata is a bit different from ours, but the general steps are the same (reminding me once again that I need to take a video camera to my dojo and post some of our kata). I've been watching purple and brown belts run this kata in class for months, and I served as an attacker during another student's point method interpretation of the kata, so I understand the basics. While I think my green belt kata, Naihanchi Sho, is more interesting, Empi Sho looks like a lot of fun. However, it brings a new challenge with it: the jump. About 56 seconds into the video, you'll see him execute a double palm-heel strike (or so it appears to me) and then perform a 360-degree jump in the air. Our version of the kata includes that same jump, though starting from our style's signature low horse stance and then landing in that same low stance. Now, I'm sure we're all familiar with the phrase "white men can't jump," correct? I am the personification of that phrase. There's a saying I heard about karate the other night: "The only time our feet leave the ground is to kick." Welcome to the first exception. Because we don't jump, I have not been doing a lot of jumping in my training. We've done it occasionally during workouts (mostly to help our existing purple belts' jumps), and I've done a little bit of leg training at home in preparation for this kata myself, but despite huge improvements in my fitness this past year and a half, I'm still a far cry from being a jumper. I've tried a couple of times on my own. While not terrible, it's definitely not sharp. Also, about every fourth jump or so ends in disaster. I'll have to make sure to clear some space on the mat when I run this kata so I don't crush a yellow belt. In the interpretation for the jump, the practitioner is jumping over a fallen opponent; I'm going to have to practice on BOB so I don't crush a fellow karateka. The next few months will be interesting. Assuming I don't break an ankle.

Writing: Moving Right Along

Mike — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 00:27:11 +0000

It's been a slow summer for my writing, but there are a few odds and ends worth reporting. First, for those of you not already aware, Brimstone Turnpike is finally available. For the first time, my name graces the front page of Cemetery Dance's website. Bask in the glory while you can. If you've ordered from Amazon, however, I have bad news: I was just told Amazon is emailing people and saying the book won't be available until January. I'm guessing there's some marketing or distribution snafu in there somewhere, but the book is coming. Second, CD has released the table of contents for In Laymon's Terms, the long-awaited tribute anthology to Richard Laymon. In a newsletter distributed today, CD says "At this point, all of the signature sheets for In Laymon's Terms have been signed (by around 50+ contributors!) and the interior of the book has been proofread several times. We're waiting on one last contribution from one of the editors and then it'll be ready to go to the printer!" With luck that means we'll see it sooner rather than later. Some of you may have noticed the page link for Wounded Gods has gone poof. This is because the WG title will now be used as the title for a different project under development with a new publisher. Discussions with that publisher got me thinking about the original premise, and I'm thinking that story may work better as a prose piece. It will be shelved for the moment and get a new title when I get back to it. On a related note, there are developments for Call of the Wild and a third comics project, but it's way too early to announce anything yet. Stay tuned. Unfortunately, I can tell you that those of you who were waiting for the trade on the Moonstone run of Call of the Wild are going to be out of luck, as there are no plans to do a trade at this time. I will try to have copies available at conventions where I have a table (such as this weekend's Archon near St Louis), and you may also find it in the boxes at conventions where Moonstone has a booth. Regarding my novels, work on Powerless continues. I haven't touched it in a while due to the comics commitments, but I still want to get this baby out there. I will be sending it to my German-language publisher, Otherworld Verlag, as soon as possible, and then I will start submitting it to both mass market and small press houses in the US. I think this one's a worthy successor to Deadliest of the Species in a way the other two completed (I use that term loosely) novels weren't, and it's about time I got a novel back on the market. Meanwhile, the status of the top secret book I announced sometime back is undetermined. Writing on the novella for the book is on hold for the time being. Best case scenario is this book will be very late. Worst case is it will be canceled, but I feel it will be picked up by another publisher. Then there's Muy Mal. Wow, have I dropped the ball on that one. However, given it doesn't pay the bills and wasn't showing any future ability to do so, these other projects just had to supercede it. At this point I don't know what's in store for the future. I suppose it's time to speak to John and Weston to see what, if anything, we're going to do with it. Hmm. I was feeling pretty good when I started this, but then it's all non-news and bad news. I can even see a few of you coming to lynch me right now. I think a distraction is in order. Look! A booth babe! [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="Can you tell me more about your boobies -- er, the movie?"][/caption]

Public Service Announcement

Mike — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 04:56:31 +0000

That's Not a Bean Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. A friend told me this Chinese restaurant in Peoria had killer kung pao chicken, and that it was so spicy she could hardly handle it. That sounded like something I had to try, so when I was in town to pick up a computer for work, I made a trip over to the place. I stumbled onto one hell of a deal: their lunch special included the kung pao chicken, fried rice, 2 crab rangoons, a bowl of egg drop soup, and a pot of tea for $5.65 out the door. Hard to beat that! The kung pao was familiar but for these two bean pods on top of the mound of food. I can't stand beans, so I pushed the two pods aside to get at the good stuff. The kung pao wasn't spicy at all. It tasted great, but there was definitely no heat. Bummer. As I ate, though, I kept glancing over at these bean pods. They didn't look too appetizing, as shriveled as they are. But hey, I'm a big boy, it's time to try something new. I speared a piece of chicken, some rice, a bit of green pepper, and one of the bean pods and popped the shebang into my mouth. I may as well have eaten a lit match. I love hot food, and this is the first time I've regretted eating something. I sucked down a glass of water and fortunately the waitress spotted me for the refill. For a moment I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to taste food again. Ever. Lesson learned: if someone tells you a dish is hot, the shriveled-up bean-looking things are not beans.

Today's Emissions

Mike — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 04:59:59 +0000

@jackdrew Can't argue with that! #
Retweet @jackdrew: @mikeoliveri - you're Ninja/Octagon post reminded me of something - http://www.grumpstump.com/squidoo/pirates.jpg #
@jackdrew That pic is also strangely appropriate for Archon near St Louis this weekend. #
Awake. I curse the light. #
I have so far spent my work day resisting the urge to go and choke a certain someone out. Tomorrow's 'jitas and 'ritas are gonna ROCK. #
@jackdrew Congrats on the writing progress, bro. Keep it up! #
The small press is a complete waste of fucking time. I will bury my ire with Chinese food at this retaurant I'm trying for the first time. #
This is my 3,000th Tweet. Obviously I have no life. #
On the way to karate. Let's see if we can finally get the Midget his blue belt. #

Shifting to Con Mode

Mike — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 15:59:53 +0000

I'm leaving for Archon near St Louis shortly, so the blog will be shifting into con mode in 3... 2... 1... now. In other words, this space will be filled with Tweets from the con floor and from whichever bar Cullen and I drag our asses into. (Of course, if you're reading this on MySpace, you're SOL. Shoot over to The Malice Engine for the real deal.) I imagine the occasional mobile blog post and a picture or two will also make their way to the page. If you'll be down in the Collinsville, IL, area, stop by the convention center and find us at the table. Buy some comics. Shoot the breeze. Buy us drinks. We don't bite (assuming you bought us drinks).

And So It Begins

Mike — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 19:58:17 +0000

And So It Begins Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Arrived at Archon. First stop: Zapata's!

Werewolf Titties

Mike — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 23:23:48 +0000

Werewolf Titties Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. So I'm standing here, hawking my wares, and the dealer next to us comes and looks at my comics. He flips through, then says "Umm, yeah," and scurries away. I did not snap. Then he handed me the cover to his web comic sampler, complete with ginormous anime boobs and furries. Called it "werewolves without the angst" and again scurried away. I did not snap. However, the night is young, and the guy across from us is selling swords and axes. Have bail money ready.

IT'S MARGARITA TIME

Mike — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 03:01:40 +0000

IT'S MARGARITA TIME Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. 'Nuff said. Fajitas on the way.

Today's Emissions

Mike — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 04:59:59 +0000

10 pages of Tweets has made me glad I went to karate rather than watch the debates. #
Can now count the time to 'jitas and 'ritas in hours. Picking up the rental car soon. Woohoo! #
@Meteornotes Not a whole lot of active folks, but a good half dozen or so were tweeting throughout the debates. #
@cullenbunn Yessir. Are we sure we wanted a table? This is going to cut down on our margarita time again. #
@cullenbunn We'll make Shawn man the table Saturday and earn his keep. Muhahahahahah! #
I hope this rental will have Sirius or XM. Or at least a jack for my iPod. #
Rental is a shiny new Pontiac G6. It has XM. Was excited about manual transmission option until I used it and found it waaaayyyy lame. #
Shaved. Now looking pretty for @cullenbunn. Belly and gas tank are full. Time to load the car and hit the road. Collinsville is doomed. #
Almost forgot cigars. That would have been death. #
Electronic manual transmission is like jerking off: sure, it gets the job done, but it's not near as much fun as the real thing. #
Why did we get a table again? The bar is the place to be! #
Yep. Already regretting the table. #
Apparently some people DO need to be told they're too big for belly shirts. #
It's just not a con without the Space Music guy. #
The dude next to us is not going to survive the night. #

Con Peril

Mike — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 14:25:08 +0000

To read my Tweets, one would think I'm having a miserable time at this convention. Not true. The problem with being a dealer or professional at a convention is being trapped behind a table and having to take both the good and the bad of the swarming masses. Yes, there are some good people walking around, but sadly, many who come to a convention like this have the social skills of a third grader. These people are the reason there's a stereotype for sci-fi fans and comic geeks. Fortunately your average geek also knows how to party. Last night I got free beer, got invited to VisionCon by the organizers, had a cigar, took in the con nightlife, and watched a drunken idiot in a pirate shirt get ejected from the dance club for groping geek chicks. There is a three-hour gap in the Twitter feed because I'm not lame enough to whip out the CrackBerry in the middle of a good time, but a panel that went off the rails is fair game. Soon I'll be back behind the dealers room table so I can be told Call of the Wild would have been more successful if it featured big tits and furry porn. I think it's penance for the free beer.

Share My Pain

Mike — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 19:59:48 +0000

Share My Pain Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Pray it doesn't turn around.

Today's Emissions

Mike — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 04:59:59 +0000

The dealer couple behind us are getting into an argument. Meanwhile, I've made $2. Woohoo! #
Almost burned down the next table. #
Need to try harder next time. #
My panel is coming up soon. "Make Prose Work for Your Book" -- I think I can fake my way through that. #
2 minutes to panel start, and we have 3 people in the crowd, including @cullenbunn. Margarita time! #
I need a gun. #
No, really. Gun. Now. #
"Harlan Ellison does not write science fiction." WTF?! #
I need Scanners powers - stat! #
Fuck the next panel, it's margarita time! #
http://twitpic.com/egow - IT'S MARGARITA TIME #
@cullenbunn and I are smoking the last of the Perdomos @greyhawk68 left me. We are surrounded by pirates and fat angels. #
Oh if you could see the things I've seen tonight... #
@VanHalen1970 and @Locnar1970 really should come next year. #
@briankeene Understand, @Locnar1970 and @VanHalen1970 know better than to subject themselves to panels and a dealers table. #
@BrianKeene They would game by day and party by night, both of which are available in copious quantities here. #
Just in time for dealers room opening. I can hardly contain my joy. But hey, at least I'm not on a panel like @cullenbunn. #
Ninjas must be in vogue again. #
"Good morning, how are you?" must be Klingon for "I'll cut you!" based on the way some of these people react. #
Made two more dollars. WOO-HOO! #
Brightening @cullenbunn's panel experience with obscene text messages. If he takes my advice, he will be a LEGEND. #
PLEASE STOP WITH THE UTILIKILTS #
@VanHalen1970 Yup. And I'm dying a little more every minute. #
Made another sale. Urge to use karate... fading. #
Just saw a dude wearing a cloak. And he's NOT IN COSTUME. #
MILFs brighten my day like little rays of sunshine. #
@VanHalen1970 Rest assured, Moleskine is at hand. #
A steampunk MILF. Intriguing. (Oh my God I've been here too long stab out my fucking eyes and end my misery.) #
That pulled pork sammich would have been a lot better had it not been riding around on the delivery cart for half an hour. #
Urge to use karate... rising. #
@jimohagan Archon SF convention in Collinsville near St Louis. #
I shall call her Boobie Fett. #
@cindybunn's arch enemy arrived. Am now sitting back and waiting for Cindy to snap. #
Definitely not a comics crowd this weekend. @cullenbunn has sold about as many Damned as I have CotW. May be time to abandon ship. #
@Meteornotes a) she never came down our aisle, and b) this was a relative milf (the bar is set pretty low here) #
AAAGGGHHH!! MY EYES!! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!! #
@Meteornotes Female Boba Fett complete with specially molded Mandalorian breastplate. The fact I know that name scares me. #
Was nodding off. Jumped up to get my second wind. Panel changeover means sudden traffic spike, but they won't buy anything. #
Lots of furries this year, accounting for over half my sales. Perhaps I SHOULD give Cole's sister in Call of the Wild six titties. #
We have officially abandoned the table. Now it's supper and margaritas at Zapata's! #
You know it's getting bad when the waiter both recognizes you and knows what your order is going to be. #

Today's Emissions

Mike — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 04:59:59 +0000

And now... Grande margaritas, stat! #
This cigar is aching to be lit. #
Would like to catch UFC, but the bar is hooked on basesball bullshit. *sigh* #
@audiofyl Vas is das "Elite XC" you speak of? #
@cullenbunn speaks wisdom. #
Fine motor control already toast. Ahh, takillya. #
@audiofyl WHAT?! Kimbo Slice on network TV? I officially hate this goddamn bar. #
SCREW BASEBALL. I WANT CAGE FIGHTING. #
@audiofyl Only 2 TVs and too many baseball pansies. Will have to catch recaps online. Mike Oliveri is going to have to choke a bitch. #
Might have to finish @cullenbunn's grande margarita because he won't man up. #
@cullenbunn has tequila in him. Says he is the Magus Prime and to suck it @briankeene. #
@cullenbunn is messed up on takillya. He is the one who needs protection. #
A pokemon is planting kisses on a pirate. My world view is upside down. #
Pass on Scope & Robitussin. Getting more free beer and a cigar. #
Almost fought 2 ninjas and a klingon. The night is still young, though, so there's time to fix it. #
@cullenbunn would rather drink Robitussin than smoke an Avo #3; judge him not, for takillya has fouled his judgement. #
I'm told @cullenbunn spilled his Robitussin all over himself. Lightweight! Should have come out for a cigar. #
Ho. Lee. Shit. Once again, if only you could see what I see. (Nope, no pitchers, suckers.) #
Shawn refused to cut in on slave girl Leia, thus denying me another fight (gotta back up my boy, don'tcha know). #
3:12am. @cullenbunn has disappeared. I have danced. Shawn missed out again on Slave Leia. Cobra Commander has wandered away. Helloooo nurse. #
Please do keep that thing on a leash. #
Told Shawn "Throw them gimpy legs right over your shoulders." I am so going to Hell. #
Time to cash in the chips. #
Getting speechified by @cullenbunn for abandoning him last night. #
Got aspirin, sammich and tea and am headed for home. #
Note to self: sending flirty text messages to the Wife at 3:30am is frowned upon. #
Back home with my baby and our babies. #

Back in Business

Mike — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 17:04:23 +0000

Horton Hears Cthulhu Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I'm back from the con and settling back in to some semblance of normal reality. The Twitter digests have been turned off again and I'll resume simulcasting on MySpace. Yesterday I sent my kid to school with a piece of con loot I picked up from OffWorld Designs: a shirt reading "Horton Hears Cthulhu" featuring a parody of a Dr. Seuss favorite. His teacher didn't notice, but some others did. One laughed and one he says "looked at him funny." I don't imagine any of his friends even know who Cthulhu is. The first day back is always rough. This time, the second day back is just as rough. I really need to be writing full time.

The Swedish Chef Rocks Out

Mike — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 02:52:45 +0000

Who would have thought the Swedish Chef retired from the muppet show and went into metal? Wait for the lyrics. You'll hear it. I first heard this on Sirius. I kind of dig the song, to be honest, but man, I can't shake the image of the Swedish Chef jamming out on stage.

The Evolution of Kata

Mike — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 04:47:49 +0000

Something I've heard a lot about my new kata, Empi Sho, is that it is closely related to the kata Wansu, if not just another version of the same kata. However, the way we run it in Shuri-ryu, there are only a couple of movements they have in common. They share a block/strike combo and have a morote (double) technique near the end, but for the most part it's hard to see why they'd be labeled sister kata. Then I recalled some of the varations of Wansu I've seen on YouTube, such as this one: The embusen, or step pattern, through the majority of the kata is almost identical to our version of Empi Sho. Now I can see why they'd call them versions of the same kata. It's strange that the two interpretations of Empi could diverge like that, yet the idea that they are (in essence) the same kata as Wansu would persist. I think it's a good example of how karate as a whole is a living, breathing, evolving entity. A master dies, his students start changing things (or they remember things differently). Those guys die, and their students start changing things (or they remember things differently), and so on. The core is there. The physical movements change, but the philosophy persists. It's strange when you consider how karate -- and most all martial arts, for that matter -- pride themselves on tradition. Or maybe I'm still too much of a rookie to expect otherwise...

All That Is Man

Mike — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 01:00:48 +0000

New Jacket Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. That's right. Take it all in. I needed a portrait shot, so I threw on my motorcycle jacket and had the Wife click away. Then the guys at VisionCon asked for a picture, so I thought I'd go ahead and slap it up on Flickr and let them use it, too. Minutes later, my latest Flickr stalker marked it as a favorite and commented "Very handsome." That's right, latest. At least it's a female this time. Maybe. I'm not yet convinced this isn't one of those other dudes now hiding behind a fake female persona. Those other dudes who were into groin kicks and testicle punishment. How was I supposed to know the Flickr cigar group was a front for a bunch of cigar fetishists? Teh Internets, they skeev me out sometimes.

Adrenaline Response Control

Mike — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 04:56:33 +0000

It's one thing to know karate, but it's a whole 'nother story when someone gets in your face on the street. When adrenaline hits, your body has all kinds of strange reactions, and all that karate knowledge goes right out the window. It's been a while since I've faced an adrenaline-fueled situation, and though I feel like I could cope with them better now that I've done some sparring and form sparring and worked self defenses in class, I don't know for sure. That's why I signed up for today's Adrenaline Response Control seminar at my karate school. The purpose was simple: get you to experience an adrenaline dump and then teach you how to deal with it. In this case we had two attackers, or "wolfers", coming at us in a variety of scenarios, and we had coaches behind us to lead us through the appropriate response. All of us study either Shuri-ryu or Haganah, and our wolfers were also members of the school, but they still got us to feel like we were about to be attacked. I knew that going in, and being a large guy I figured they'd go for the fat cracks. Because I used to be fifty pounds heavier, I've heard it all and thought they'd have to find a different trigger for my adrenaline. Wrong! From the first "attack" my breathing went shallow, my chest tightened up, and a surge of heat rushed through my shoulders and arms. I'm betting I went pale, too. At least I didn't laugh. Or worse, freeze up. Either one on the street could mean big trouble. I feel like I did well, and I learned something about myself and how to better deal with real-world situations. Next time I intend to bring my wife along, and if any readers out there find a similar program in their area, I recommend checking it out. Now if only I could have treated some of my more aggressive customers like this when I worked as a retail manager. "Palm strike! Knee kick!" Would have taken a lot of stress out of that damn job.

Elvis Esta Muerto

Mike — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 16:35:32 +0000

I'm ripping more CDs from my collection today, and I stumbled across a band I haven't thought of in a while: Living Colour. I remember they were huge for a while, and their performance of "Cult of Personality" on SNL kicked all form of ass. Then I remembered this little number: I always dug that song and video, because I really don't understand the Elvis Phenomena. That's right, capital P on Phenomena. I'm not a big fan, but I will admit the man had talent and had a big influence on music. But to elevate him to cult status? Come on. Some people just don't know when to let go.

Weak Halloween Averted

Mike — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 04:16:33 +0000

My kids are going to be a ninja lord (whatever that is), Optimus Prime, and a witch for Halloween this year. I tried to steer them toward monsters and zombies, and almost succeeded in talking the Squirt into being a zombie pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean, but in the end they chickened out. Turns out they still remember last year's haunted house at the Academy of Okinawan Karate. I've been talking it up for the last few weeks, and they finally told me they don't want to do it again. The Midget was brave last year, and even impressed a lot of people by dropping into a fighting stance every time a monster strayed too close. The Squirt emerged in tears, but only because his flip-flop fell off. Many other children their age walked out clutching their parents and crying in fear. I thought my boys would be up for it again, but no, they don't want anything to do with it. In fact, the Midget is having horrible flashbacks. For example, we went to Sam's Club and saw they had all their Halloween decorations out: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400" caption="Sam's Halloween displays"][/caption] These were simple inflatable dioramas, with some movement and music, including the theme from Halloween. The Squirt and I rolled on by, and suddenly realized the Midget had fallen behind. He didn't want to go anywhere near this thing, and despite all my attempts to explain to him this stuff is perfectly harmless, he freaked. So we went the long way around the store to get what we needed. On the way back, the Squirt and I wanted to take another look. So we headed back, and I allowed the Midget to remain behind with the cart, about a hundred feet down the aisle. When I returned a few seconds later, this is what I found: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="400" caption=""It's a trap!""][/caption] One would think most dads would rush to console their child. Me? I whip out the camera so I can show off this little picture to his date on prom night. Yes, I will relish this picture. Because it killed Halloween. I started to think maybe this would be the year to decorate the house. We went into one of those seasonal Halloween stores, and I got to looking at the crawling torso, the buckets of blood, the giant spiders, the motorized goblins, and the almost never-ending row of adult monster costumes, and I started drooling. Our porch is a perfect setup for hanging Halloween decorations, and it would be easy to turn it into a tunnel to funnel trick-or-treaters to the front door to scare the pants off 'em as they get their candy. Unfortunately, if I set any of that stuff up, the Midget would never come home. Halloween dioramas flanked the vestibule of the Halloween store, and he didn't even want to walk through it, almost giving up his costume privileges. Every store we go into, he looks well ahead for Halloween displays, and if they have them he won't go near them. Even a spider sticker on the front door of a restaurant gave him pause, as he feared there were other bigger, scarier decorations on the inside. So, alas, no decorations for Mike. No scary costume, either. I finally resigned myself to walking my ninja and my Transformer through a neighborhood filled with other wussy costumes like ballerinas, princesses, cowboys, cats, Power Rangers, super heroes, and clowns. (God I hate clowns. I want to punch them in the face. But I digress.) Maybe next year the Midget will come around, and I can talk the boys into joining me on the dark side. Together we can terrorize this neighborhood of weak-ass Halloween killjoys. Our home will be an object of horror, and we will get to keep all of our candy! WE WILL RULE HALLOWEEN WITH BLOOD-DRENCHED FISTS!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I digress again. As I was saying, I have accepted the fact that Halloween will probably suck. Again. Then I had dinner with the folks who run my karate school. They're looking for more volunteers. After determining we will probably not be bringing my kids to the school's Halloween party this year, I jumped in. I have no idea what I'll be yet, but I'm back, baby! I get to scare the hell out of child -- er, I mean, I get to do my part putting the horror back in Halloween! VICTORY IS MINE!

Unsanitary Mofos

Mike — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 03:17:42 +0000

So when did parents stop teaching kids to wash their hands after taking a dump? Yesterday I'm at Old Chicago, waiting for the stall. Teenager opens the stall door, then kneels down in the door to tie his shoe. Looks up, sees me, gives me a "D'oh! Sorry!" and gets out of the way. As I'm throwing the latch, I hear him go straight past the sink and out the door. When I returned to my table near the bar, the kid was at the next table with his family, eating a slice of pizza. After pizza & beer, I stopped at Borders. The bowels were bitching again, so I hit the can. The next stall was already occupied. I take care of business, go out and start washing my hands. Guy in the other stall walks out, another teenager. He walks right past me and out the door. Now I know why people advise you to grab the door handle with the paper towel as you leave the restroom, and why there's fecal matter on most of the money in circulation. These are the idiots who spread their colds and flus around every year, and who will be responsible for killing the rest of us when Captain Tripps finally shows up. I can't stand the feeling of not washing my hands after I take a dump, whether or not it's been a messy one. How can they sit down to eat after wiping their asses? Are they subscribers to the Middle Eastern left-hand-only method? Do they finger-bang their girlfriends with those hands? I'm starting to think I need to carry around one of those bottles of germ-killing goo all the time, not just leave one on my desk at work.

New Dark Voices Reprinted in TPB

Mike — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 16:17:01 +0000

If you missed out on New Dark Voices when it was first released in hardcover, you can now preorder a trade paperback edition that will be printed in December for only $15. Check it out at The Horor Mall. New Dark Voices featured a trio of novellas by myself, John Urbancik, and Gene O'Neill. My contribution was "To Travel Among Men", the sequel to the short story "To Fight With Monsters" by myself and Brian Keene, which first saw print in 4x4. There are two more novellas in this series, "To Confront the Enemy" and "To Rise from the Ashes". The first has been written, but there are no contracts for either of them. If you'd like to see Rick's story to the end, you really need to buy a copy of the New Dark Voices TPB, or at least make sure all of your friends buy it. The small presses started tightening their belts even before the recession hit, and Delirium even canceled several books. Competition for the remaining slots is fiercer than ever, so we need to prove to Delirium and the rest of the small press that people will purchase the remainder of Rick's story. In any case, at least let me know what you think of "To Travel" after you read it. I know there are about a half dozen people waiting for more, but unfortunately it's going to take more than that to prove to a publisher it's worth doing.

An Elephant's Tale

Mike — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 01:34:31 +0000

It's not often that I receive one of those chain emails that are worth passing along, but this one definitely qualifies. Enjoy!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its frt foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Sometimes Too Creative

Mike — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 04:52:09 +0000

Troll Wang Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I came home from lunch to find the Squirt had been given a Thanksgiving-themed Troll doll at library day today. Two seconds later, I picked it up and went rummaging through the kitchen cabinets. "What're you doing?" the Wife asked. She had that exasperated tone that suggested she was also rolling her eyes at me. "Nothing," I promised. She knew better. She's only been through 15 years of these shenanigans. When I found what I needed and sat down beside her at the table, she put down her book and crossed her arms. "What?" I asked. "Get it over with." "I'm just sitting here! Why do you always have to assume I'm up to something? All I want to do is spend a few minutes with my lovely bride before I have to go back to work, and here you are making me the bad guy. Frankly, I'm offended that you could think that of me." Yeah. She didn't buy it. So I went ahead and slid the toothpick through the Troll's legs and gave him a woody anyway.

On Terrorizing Children

Mike — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 19:04:29 +0000

Killer on the loose! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I never realized scaring kids can be both so difficult and so much fun at the same time. The Academy of Okinawan Karate put on their annual haunted house last night, and as one of their students I volunteered to help out this year. They supplied me with an orange jumpsuit, toy chainsaw, and face paint and stashed me in a dead-end hallway. Visitors fleeing from another scare would be directed down my hallway by their guide, at which point I jumped out with my chainsaw and barking out some insane laughter. I was about halfway through the haunted house, and there were a couple cases where some kid was already screaming and crying before they got to me. I thought "Hmm, maybe I should tone it down for this one." Then, a moment later: "Nah." I gave 'em full power and watched 'em jump and scream. I felt like a dick afterward, but it was totally worth it. It's also good to see that I'm not the only parent who relishes their own kids' fear. There were a few parents coming through with screaming, crying children, and they were laughing as much as I was when I took my kids through last year. The instructors warn parents that it's scary, yet we had more little kids than adults or teenagers. Not that it stopped teenagers or adults being from scared. I got good screams out of a group of girls, and at least one woman had to be pushed from section to section by her friends. It was hard work, too. The groups were close enough together that I didn't have time to chat with the other monsters much, but far enough apart that I had to do a lot of waiting. I stood in the dark (not counting a strobe light nearby) the whole time. The jumpsuit was kind of warm, and the makeup started to itch after a while. Someone brought cookies through for the monsters, but somehow I missed out on the water. In short, it gave me a new appreciation for what people go through to put on a good haunted house every year. All worth it, though. Next year I just need to find a bigger chainsaw.

Kills the Enemy DEAD

Mike — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 16:31:59 +0000

The US military is reporting one of their pilotless drones last night made the deadliest strike yet for a drone, killing 20 militants in a Pakistani compound. I wonder, could they be upgrading the arsenal? [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="392" caption=""Ex-ter-mi-nate!""][/caption]

How Gun Control Should Work

Mike — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 14:53:16 +0000

Great clip from Boston Legal:

When Ferrets Attack

Mike — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 04:00:50 +0000

My friend Clark is the principal for a rural Illinois school district, and he sent me this story. Enjoy.

One of our fourth grade classes returned from lunch today and proceeded to do what they always do - sit down and listen to a story read by the teacher. This teacher has several classroom pets - hamsters, guinea pigs, turtles, and a ferret. Students who have completed about each animal are allowed to hold the animals during story time. One youngster liberated a hamster from the cage and was petting it and carrying it around. Another student was holding the ferret, and the first student approached the second to say something. During that moment, the ferret realized that its need for a REAL lunch was right there and strikes. The ferret gets the hamster by the neck and sinks in its teeth. The hamster chomps down on finger of the child holding it. Chaos ensues. The teacher has to wrench the jaws of the dying hamster to get the child out of the bite. Nothing could convince the ferret to let go of the hamster, and it ends up with a large chunk of hamster flesh in its bloody maw. The maimed hamster makes a final trip out of the room for a coup de'grace and the child goes to the doctor. Needless to say, the social worker had to visit the classroom.

I can only imagine the tears and screaming that must have ensued. The only thing that would have made this better is if the class was currently doing a unit on Charles Darwin.

Shaking Up the Reading

Mike — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 03:35:36 +0000

My reading habits have been as poor as my writing habits lately. I think part of the problem is I've been reading a few books where nothing happens. Sure, they're good books, and they're horror books, but there are several pages at a time where nothing happens. Solid writing, great atmosphere, a dash of "look at this creepy stuff!", but no real action. It's really starting to bother me. As such I've strayed once again into the suspense/mystery section of my local Borders. Doing so was a good diversion a year or so ago, and so far it's headed that same direction as I've read a lot more in the past two weeks than I have the previous two months. I started with Severance Package by Duane Swierczynski. Brian mentioned the guy, I browsed the synopsis for Severance Package, and I decided it was right up my alley. Sure enough, I burned through it in no time. The plot is fairly simple, and it the action rolls right along from the first page to the last. The occasional humor is a nice bonus. I've now got his books The Blonde and The Wheelman sitting on the nightstand, waiting to be read. Right now I'm halfway through Brimstone by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child. Everything I've heard about Preston & Child suggests they're mystery/thriller writers with a horror/supernatural bend, and Brimstone definitely fits the mold. I can do without all the references to previous books in the series, and I think the main character, Aloysius Pendergast, is a stuck-up douche, but I like where the story is going and I can relate to the other main character (or is it sidekick?), Vincent D'Agosta, much better. The prose is very straightforward and leads the reader through at a good clip. It's good to be hooked on reading again. Even better, they've both given my fingers the itch to be at the keyboard, working my own prose.

Willful Ignorance

Mike — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 16:52:29 +0000

I walked into our high school computer lab today while students were using a website called Career Cruising to browse through their college and career options. Here are some of the things I overheard: "Man, I don't want to learn a foreign language! I want people to speak to me in English!" A student nearby agreed: "Yeah, I'm in America, you should speak American!" Then the subject turned to classes: "Brit Lit? Is that like British Literature? I don't want to read what some British guy wrote!" Another student asked: "What's literature, anyway? Is that like reading?" One girl asked another what child development was. The response: "That's when you get to play with kids all day." The counter: "Oh, I'm taking that! I want lots of babies." One kid expressed excitement that I'd cracked open the side of a computer, and told his friend to check it out. The friend's response: "Who cares what the inside looks like?" Having worked in education for over 7 years now, I can tell you this is very common. It's very easy to just shake my head and say things like "The future is screwed." The fact is, however, this is nothing new. I knew kids in high school who were just as bad, and there always has been (and always will be) underachievers and kids who are just plain stupid. What's really depressing about it is it's never been easier to get an education. Kids don't have to go to the library or look for books anymore, they can tap out a few keystrokes and find whatever they need. They can talk to more people than ever, and even kids in rural areas like mine have a great window to other cultures. In short, the Internet and technology really can be all that the education wonks wish it to be, the trick is making kids care. Just as before, the tools are there. It's just the kids would rather swap drunken party stories on MySpace than browse books on Project Gutenberg or learn Japanese.

Packin' Heat

Mike — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 15:39:23 +0000

Illinois does not have legislation in place allowing its citizens to carry firearms, but it looks like there will be a ballot item in my county next week that will ask the Illinois legislature to consider concealed carry legislation. I'm going to vote yes. The first question I'm always asked is "Why do you need a gun?" For the most part, I don't. I live in a relatively safe, rural town. But that's not the point. I think too often people think about where they live rather than where they'll go. 95% of the time, I'm not going anywhere that I feel I need to be carrying a firearm. I'd never carry to work because I work in a school. I'd never carry to my karate school because there's no safe way to lock it up while I'm on the mat (and if I have to lock it up in the car, I may as well not carry it at all). However, there are those times I'm in unfamiliar territory or I'm traveling through or visiting an unsafe area that it wouldn't hurt to have a little reassurance under my jacket. I think everyone has the right to defend themselves. The Boston Legal clip I posted the other day may be over the top, but I agree with the general principle. The opposition mostly comes with fear and a lack of understanding of firearms. First of all, the idea that more firearms equals more crime, suicide, etc., has been debunked. I'll just point you to the Kates-Mauser Gun Report, an in-depth study of firearms around the world, for the numbers. Second, I do not believe concealed carry permits should be handed out like candy. I assume background checks are a given, so let's skip that bit. The Woodford County Sheriff stated in a local newspaper that he supports permits and training, and I agree with that. If I have to take a test to drive my car, why not take a test to carry a firearm? The opposite extreme position says that is akin to registration and opens the door to confiscations in the future, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. Any random idiot can kill someone with a car, and any random idiot can kill someone with a gun. Just as there are people who have no business behind the wheel, there will be people who have no business carrying a firearm. Of course, I have no illusions this referendum will do a bit of good. Even if the legislature brought concealed carry to the floor, I have every expectation it will be shot down. Chicago has a very strict ban on handguns (not that it's done anything to solve handgun crime), and with most of the Illinois population living in and around Chicago, they've got the biggest voice in the legislature. Until I move to a state where I can legally carry, I guess I'll just have to resort to the trusty triangle choke.

NaNoWriMo

Mike — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 07:14:29 +0000

Since I've been asked: No, I won't be participating this year. I'd be an idiot to try it. Maybe next year.

Dora's Dark World

Mike — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 03:10:29 +0000

Have any other parents out there noticed what a dark and dangerous world Dora the Explorer lives in? First of all, every time she has to go somewhere, the path is frought with peril. Whether she's visiting the library or her grandmother, she has to take these long, roundabout paths through forests, mountains, and caves. If that weren't enough, there are usually obstacles such as crocodiles, snakes, giant spiders, and even trolls. Would you want your six-year-old trying to find a safe path through a den of vipers? I think not. You may say "But Mike, her cousin Diego does the same thing!" True. However, Diego is an animal rescuer. Diego's in the jungle doing his job, and one would presume he has training to cope with such things. He also has a the wicked cool Rescue Pack which turns into anything he could ever need, from a hang glider to a toboggan. Which brings me to Dora's next problem: her hungry, hungry backpack. This thing will eat anything. What if Boots strays too close? Kiss his red ass goodbye. At least it gives back to Dora, though. It has a lot of things she might need, but never anything of real utility. For example, can you say machete, kiddies? How about pistola? Scissors to cut down the troll's net is nice, but wouldn't be easier to put a bullet in his head? A bullet would nicely handle her next villain, Swiper the Fox. What kind of bastard steals anything and everything he can from a little girl? Dora could just stay home or, you know, have mom drive her to grandma's house. Instead she has to expose herself to Swiper the masked kleptomaniac. Today I discovered Swiper is the least of her worries. As she made her way to the library today, Dora was chased by an old witch who looked like the kiddie-eating, gingerbread house-living type. Dora the Explorer becomes Dora the Dinner, with a side of bush meat. (Though I hope the trio of musician insects become appetizers. They're annoying.) A good machete would discourage the witch nicely, I should think. I'm sure the creators meant well and all, but poor Dora, if she keeps flirting with danger like this I fear she's not long for this world.

Dark Scribe Digs Brimstone Turnpike

Mike — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 03:36:51 +0000

Still haven't purchased Brimstone Turnpike? Dark Scribe Magazine gave it a solid review. The enjoyed the stories and the concepts, but felt the unifying Johnny Divine character could have been fleshed out a bit more. The short, short summary:

"Burke should be commended for pulling together another stellar lineup and giving them the freedom to run in all directions with his concept."

I have to admit, being named part of a "stellar lineup" is pretty damn cool. Order your copy of Brimstone Turnpike direct from the publisher today.

Hot for Teacher

Mike — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 13:09:52 +0000

A German teacher did a brief striptease for students at a Hungarian school, and one of the students caught it on video. Where were these teachers when I was a kid? Just about every guy I knew wished Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" video would become a reality. Make no mistake, she did a very stupid thing. I don't think there'd be any question she'd be fired in my district, and rightfully so. At the very least she's made it very difficult to maintain her authority over a classroom and has set herself up for all kinds of problems. The biggest difference I noted, however, was the parental reaction. Check out this quote:

One parent was quoted in the Sun as saying the students "couldn't believe their luck" when the teacher started stripping.

Judging by the catcalls in the background of the video, that about sums it up. I imagine a lot of the boys were disappointed she didn't get to go any further. If this had happened a US school, things would have played out quite differently. Sure, the kids would have been just as excited, but the parents would be crying over the corruption of their children. There would be counselors on hand and everyone would be worried about emotional scarring. Then would come the barrage of lawsuits. Simple disciplinary action, including termination of the teacher, would never be enough for the moral majority. Sometimes it's like Europe is a whole 'nother planet.

Made My Voice Heard

Mike — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 19:26:41 +0000

I Voted! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. The Wife and I just finished voting over my lunch break. I was the 317th person to vote in our precinct, which isn't half bad considering there are only 2000 people in our town and the eligible voters are split across two precincts. No lines, just walked up, they verified my address, someone else verified my signature, and I was handed my ballot. Only waiting I had to do was for the Wife to finish so she could keep an eye on the Little Bird while I voted. I'm glad we don't have to deal with touchscreens here. I hear way too many nightmares about improperly calibrated electronic voting machines, and I just don't trust e-voting yet. Our county is using the old-fashioned, fill-in-the-bubble paper ballots. They take a little longer to fill out because of the ovals that have to be filled in, but they're simple to use and easy to read. Tampering would have to come from the whole precinct of judges, judging by the roll of paper tape signed by several officials and taped to the tabulating machine. My ballot is my paper trail,whether or not I have it in hand, and there's no problem down the road of misinterpreting hanging chads. As for the votes themselves, I stuck to my guns and voted Barr. The Wife and I may very well be the only two Barr votes in the precinct -- maybe even the county -- but that's fine. That's what the process is about, as far as I'm concerned. Then we both chose independent parties for as many seats as we could; everything local only had Republicans running, which gives you a good picture of our county. I also voted yes to recommend our legislature write a concealed carry firearms law, and no to our state setting up a new Constitutional Convention. This next bit will probably only be of interest to Illinois citizens. I've heard via Twitter that some folks heard on the news that there was a handout to go with the Constitutional Convention ballot item, replacing the wording that appears on the ballot itself. At least two people said they didn't get that handout. Our precinct did have it: they posted it inside each polling booth and they also handed every voter a laminated copy which was turned in when the ballot was placed in the machine. For those wondering, it wasn't a drastic change. I read the original wording out of curiosity, and it explains that the vote in 1988 was shot down by a margin of 75% against to 25% in favor. I'm guessing they didn't want that to influence the vote, but the handout also mentioned "inaccuracies" so maybe those numbers were off. Either way, in my opinion there's nothing that can't be changed through the current legislative process, and our state budget is already screwed up enough that we don't need to be spending the money on the Constitutional Convention. It's good to have the right to vote on rewriting the State Constitution every 20 years, but I don't think it needs to be exercised at this time. Your mileage may vary. Now I'm wearing my "I Voted" sticker around the school, as are all the teachers who have voted so far. It's important to set that example for the students. There are enough adult voters who don't bother, so we best start motivating the next generation before it's too late.

Slip & Fall: A Review

Mike — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 19:46:25 +0000

I was down to two choices last week: the latest offering from a popular crime author, or Slip & Fall by Nick Santora. The latter caught my eye with its red cover, "Borders Exclusive" sticker, and simple design. I'd glanced at it a few times in the past, so I finally gave the dust jacket a read and learned it's written by the guy who produced Prison Break. The writing that finally killed the series for me this season couldn't be all his fault, and the synopsis sounded interesting enough. I gave the Wife the same two-book option. She chose Slip & Fall and we rang it up. The first few chapters concentrate on character development and are a bit slow, but things snowball from there. Rather than action (read violence), the plot is moved along by the way the protagonist, Rob Principe, digs himself deeper and deeper into this hole he's created for himself. The first person narrative is very engaging, and I found myself sucked into the book yesterday rather than taking the time to work on my own projects. It was easy to feel like I was having a conversation with Principe directly, and I dug the way the prologue suddenly clicked into place as the book neared its climax. My only beef with the book was the ending: I liked it, but I didn't quite buy it, mostly because I expected it to be a lot darker. It didn't kill my enjoyment of the book, it was just a little too easy. Slip & Fall is a good read if you enjoy crime drama. I got the impression Santora put a lot of his own legal experiences and background into the book, and it all felt very real. It's a story about a guy dumb and desperate enough to go into business with the mob rather than the mob itself. Not so much a fall from grace as a nosedive. Next time you visit your local Borders, give it a look.

Breath of Life

Mike — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 03:50:03 +0000

One wouldn't think CPR would be part of a karate class, but this weekend the Academy of Okinawan Karate certified its SWAT team members in CPR. One of our black belts, Mrs. Denise Miller (everyone say hi, as she's out there reading), works as a nurse for a living, and she led the class. It's been a good 20 years since I last sat through a CPR class, and things have changed a bit. Specifically, they don't appear to sweat breaking ribs or busting off the tip of the sternum anymore. After all, the alternative is a lot worse. Also, good Samaritan laws now protect bystanders providing CPR, whereas I remember being told last time that, if at all possible, you should ask permission to begin CPR. Fat chance of that if the victim is already unconscious, right? Jokes abounded during the class, of course, but everyone paid close attention and we all felt we learned something. It's nice to know that if we drop a punk with a well-placed shotei or a hanuchi ken to the throat, we could conceivably correct our mistake. We even learned to adapt one of our strikes for use in the Heimlich maneuver. In the end, despite the changes in the counts -- the number of compressions vs number of breaths -- the principle remains the same: get a little more oxygen into the victim, then push it around the body. If it comes to it, it's time to shock the victim:

Oh, wait, wrong shocker. Let me try again:

That's better. Just as with my karate, I hope I'm never in a position where I'm forced to use my CPR. Nevertheless, like karate, it's nice to know it should the need arise. My friend Clark saved a former co-worker's life with an AED once. One of our former principals was refereeing a basketball game, and he passed out on the floor. Clark hooked up the AED and saved the man's life. AEDs are becoming common in schools and emergency vehicles, which is a comforting thought. Even if you don't know the timing of chest compressions matches the beat of "Stayin' Alive", you could save someone's life.

Horror Flick Meme

Mike — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:04:47 +0000

Cullen Bunn is rolling along with a new horror flick meme, taking the top 50 horror movies as determined by Metro.co.uk and then bolding the titles we haven't seen. I thought I'd give it a shot myself and see where my horror cred lands: 1.The Exorcist. William Friedkin (1973) 2.The Shining. Stanley Kubrick (1980) 3.Alien. Ridley Scott (1979) 4.The Silence of the Lambs. Jonathan Demme (1991) 5.Saw. James Wan (2004) 6.Halloween. John Carpenter (1978) 7.A Nightmare on Elm Street. Wes Craven (1984) 8.Ring (Ringu). Hideo Nakata (1998) 9.The Wicker Man. Robin Hardy (1973) 10.The Omen. Richard Donner (1976) 11.The Birds. Alfred Hitchcock (1963) 12.The Thing. John Carpenter (1982) 13.Lost Boys. Joel Schumacher (1987) 14.Dawn of the Dead. George A Romero (1978) (Not all the way through, anyway) 15.The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Tobe Hooper (1974) 16.Jaws. Steven Spielberg (1975) 17.The Blair Witch Project. Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sanchez (1999) 18.An American Werewolf in London. John Landis (1981) 19.Se7en. David Fincher (1995) 20.Poltergeist. Tobe Hooper (1982) 21.The Amityville Horror. Stuart Rosenberg (1979) 22.Candyman. Bernard Rose (1992) 23.Scream. Wes Craven (1996) 24.Carrie. Brian De Palma (1976) 25.Friday the 13th. Sean S Cunningham (1980) 26.Final Destination. James Wong (2000) (Saw parts. Didn't care.) 27.The Evil Dead. Sam Raimi (1981) 28.Hellraiser. Clive Barker (1987) 29.Hostel. Eli Roth (2005) 30.Salem's Lot. Mikael Salomon (2004) 31.The Descent. Neil Marshall (2005) 32.The Hills Have Eyes. Wes Craven (1977) 33.Wolf Creek. Greg McLean (2005) 34.Misery. Rob Reiner (1991) 35.Rosemary's Baby. Roman Polanski (1968) 36.Child's Play. Tom Holland (1989) 37.The Orphanage. Juan Antonio Bayona (2008) 38.The Entity. Sidney J Furie (1981) 39.Nosferatu. FW Murnau (1922) 40.Night of the Living Dead. George A. Romero (1968) 41.House on Haunted Hill. William Malone (2000) 42.The Haunting. Robert Wise (1963) 43.It. Tommy Lee Wallace (1990) 44.Audition. Takashi Miike (1999) 45.The Changeling. Peter Medak (1980) 46.The Mist. Frank Darabont (2008) 47.Suspiria. Dario Argento (1977) 48.The Vanishing. George Sluizer (1993) 49.Shutter. Masayuki Ochiai (2008) 50.Planet Terror. Robert Rodriguez (2007) Didn't do as bad as I thought. I was never a big horror movie junkie, and I'm still not. Takashi Miike's work is on my to-see list, and I've always intended to see The Changeling and The Entity but never made it happen. I was content seeing the American The Ring, and I still don't know how Texas Chainsaw Massacre has slipped by. Looks like I may have to set up a Netflix account.

The Midget Makes Blue Belt

Mike — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 20:19:45 +0000

New Blue Belt Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. It's been 11 months since I first earned my blue belt and left my son in the dust, but he's finally earned his new rank and he's wearing it proudly. Friday night he didn't even want to take it off, as if he were treating it like a new black belt (which tradition says you wear for 24 hours straight the first time you put it on). Now he'll be learning his next kata, Anaku. It didn't change his focus in class much Saturday morning (the kid's only 6, after all), but you can tell he loved the belt and the congratulations that came with it. It looks good on ya, little bud. Keep up the good work!

Crunch Time

Mike — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:45:33 +0000

I'm really pushing it this season. I blew a deadline for an original graphic novel, I've got a short story due for an anthology next month, another promised, and just got word that another anthology is back on track. Then I've got a novella coming due as Top Secret Book Project is coming back around, another novella due in the Spring, and there's still Powerless hanging out there. This month has just been flying by. I can't believe it's already the 23rd. I've blown off more days than I've used to write, but at least I put another dent in the OGN. It's starting to feel good with all these projects. It's starting to feel like I might actually see some stuff in print next year, assuming I can get my fingers onto the keyboard more often the next several weeks. Best get back at it.

Better Place Putting Up Rather Than Shutting Up

Mike — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 20:24:13 +0000

I'm happy to see the Better Place guys haved inked a deal with California mayors to build an electric car network for the Bay Area. The last time I talked about them, they were just getting rolling in Israel and Australia. I'm not yet convinced they're going to overhaul the auto industry, but I'm certainly not in agreement with the many detractors who dismiss it outright. The key here is they're actually going out and doing it, not sitting in a board room and kicking around theories of why this will or won't work. They also have timing in their favor with the oil problem and the major US car manufacturers facing bankruptcy. Gas prices may be down now, but for how long? Now that people know $4/gallon was outrageous, they're not going to be eager to pay it again. Truck and SUV sales are in the crapper, and unfortunately for the auto industry, that's where all the profit is. A friend of mine just purchased a brand new Dodge Ram for $16,000 under sticker, and I just got a letter from my local dealership practically begging me to come in and look at their excessive inventory. They even told me how someone drove off with a brand new Jeep with $14,000 in rebates! A cash hemorrhage combined with the unlikelihood of a government bailout means the competition is going to be lower than ever for companies like Better Place to step in. So again, good idea? Bad idea? We're about to find out. And better we do it now than in 20 years when the oil's getting scarce and we have to scramble for other options.

Sanchin: The Bonus Kata

Mike — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 20:30:15 +0000

I now get to learn two new kata before obtaining my next belt. No pressure, but there is a lot of tension. Dynamic tension, to be exact. Sanchin is a tension kata, and as such running it is very different from running a "normal" kata like my other new one, Empi Sho. Where we typically put our full power into our techniques like punches and kicks, we instead tighten every muscle in the body and push the technique out slowly, using passive resistance all the way. We also breathe out, slow and steady, making it both a good breathing exercise and an isometric workout for the muscles. Perhaps it's easiest if I just show you: This is the Shito-ryu version of the kata, and as usual our Shuri-ryu interpretation of the kata has some slight differences, but it works the same way: run the kata with dyamic tension and controlled breathing. We're also a bit louder than this guy, but we don't use the same odd (to me) breathing technique as they do in the Kyokushinkai version. Sanchin comes from the Naha lineage, and if you're curious you can find some thoughts on its history on Mario McKenna's blog and on Wikipedia. I wasn't terribly worried about holding the tension. My dojo has turned the last class on Tuesday night into a more intense workout, and Sensei Miller always has us run at least one tension kata. Because it was not yet time for me to learn Sanchin, I've been running the various Taikyoku kata with tension. This gave me plenty of opportunity to get the breathing and isometric resistance down, which should make things easier as I inch closer to brown belt. Not that it made learning Sanchin easy, mind you. I've been watching my classmates run Sanchin for months, and there aren't a lot of steps to it. However, the weekend I learned it I found myself asking Noah Legel, another Shuri-ryu student, for a quick review via email. I remembered it right, but the application feels strange at times, especially with tension thrown into the mix and having to nail down the peculiar Sanchin-dachi stance. I think I've got it down, though. Now it's just a matter of refining the technique, making it look good and making sure it has the desired effect. It's also cool to see characters running tension kata in movies like The Executioner and knowing both why they're doing it and how it feels, even if it does look a little awkward on the screen. Now if only I could shake that dorky feeling when I run it at home...

Horror Flicks: Round 2

Mike — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:14:32 +0000

Cullen posted another horror movie list, this one from the Vault of Horror. I thought I'd take a crack and see if I did any better with their list of horror flicks. Bolded titles are the ones I haven't seen. 1. Halloween (1978) dir: John Carpenter 2. The Exorcist (1973) dir: William Friedkin 3. Psycho (1960) dir: Alfred Hitchcock 4. Night of the Living Dead (1968) dir: George Romero 5. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) dir: Tobe Hooper 6. Frankenstein (1931) dir: James Whale 7. The Shining (1980) dir: Stanley Kubrick 8. The Thing (1982) dir: John Carpenter 9. Alien (1979) dir: Ridley Scott 10. Nosferatu (1922) dir: F.W. Murnau 11. Dawn of the Dead (1978) dir: George Romero 12. Bride of Frankenstein (1935) dir: James Whale (Not all the way through, anyway) 13. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) dir: Wes Craven 14. Jaws (1975) dir: Steven Spielberg 15. The Blair Witch Project (1999) dir: Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sanchez 16. The Haunting (1963) dir: Robert Wise 17. King Kong (1933) dir: Merian C. Cooper & Ernest B. Schoedsack 18. Rosemary’s Baby (1968) dir: Roman Polanski 19. Dracula (1931) dir: Todd Browning 20. The Evil Dead (1981) dir: Sam Raimi 21. Poltergeist (1982) dir: Tobe Hooper 22. Black Sunday (La Maschera del Demonio) (1960) dir: Mario Bava 23. The Phantom of the Opera (1925) dir: Rupert Julian 24. An American Werewolf in London (1980) dir: John Landis 25. Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) dir: Jack Arnold 26. Friday the 13th (1980) dir: Sean Cunningham 27. Evil Dead II (1988) dir: Sam Raimi 28. Alucarda (1978) dir: Juan Lopez Moctezuma 29. Carrie (1976) dir: Brian DePalma 30. Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) dir: Francis Ford Coppola 31. The Fly (1986) dir: David Cronenberg 32. The Fog (1980) dir: John Carpenter 33. The Wolf Man (1941) dir: George Waggner 34. House on Haunted Hill (1959) dir: William Castle 35. Night of the Demon (1957) dir: Jacques Tourneur 36. Frankenstein (1910) dir: J. Searle Dawley 37. Dellamorte Dellamore (Cemetery Man) (1994) dir: Michele Soavi 38. Thriller (1983) dir: John Landis 39. The Addiction (1995) dir: Abel Ferrara 40. Aliens (1986) dir: James Cameron 41. Phantasm (1979) dir: Don Coscarelli 42. The Thing from Another World (1951) dir: Christian Nyby 43. Zombi 2 (1979) dir: Lucio Fulci 44. The Mist (2007) dir: Frank Darabont 45. Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983) dir: Jack Clayton 46. The Living Dead Girl (1982) dir: Jean Rollin 47. The Brain That Wouldn’t Die (1962) dir: Joseph Green 48. The Return of the Living Dead (1985) dir: Dan O’Bannon 49. Suspiria (1976) dir: Dario Argento 50. Salem’s Lot (1979) dir: Tobe Hooper What an odd mix of old and new. Still didn't do much better, either.

She's Got the Right Idea

Mike — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 23:06:32 +0000

The Ninja in Repose Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I took this picture of the cat a week ago, but seeing it again now that I've filled up on turkey and stuffing has me thinking she's got the right idea. The sun's gone down so I'm not sure I'm going to find a sunbeam, but my folks do have a cushy recliner sofa that will make a fine substitute. Meanwhile, my family appears to be thankful for aliens. We started out letting the boys watch Stargate, and now we've moved on to War of the Worlds (Spielberg version) after a brief debate about Transformers (Bay live action). The flicks have their flaws, but the rugrats are having a good time and it keeps them still while the rest of us are too sluggish from tryptophan to chase them. Maybe now is even a good time to get some writing done, assuming the trypto haze doesn't turn everything I type into gibberish.

Blackest Friday

Mike — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 20:35:04 +0000

My retail days are ten years behind me, but my hatred for Black Friday hasn't waned. It's long been my contention that the holidays, despite their outward appearance of peace and happiness, actually bring out the worst in people. This year, the masses trumped their usual selfish belligerence by trampling a Wal-Mart employee to death. Even while the worker was dead on the floor, they continued shopping and went on home with their purchases after management closed the store. Tim Daly suggested jailing the participants, and I'm all for that suggestion. The store just opened, which means any sales came from people in that crowd. Pull the register data, and you've got the names and addresses of anyone who paid by check, and at least the names of those who paid by credit card. Bring them all in, and prosecute anyone who can be matched up to the worst of the behavior on store surveillance videos, particularly those who instigated the crush or pushed down the dead man. This is just day one. We've got four more weeks of crowds and traffic to put up with. I hope there won't be any more deaths, but I'm sure we'll hear about fights over the latest and greatest toy any time now. So go ahead, shoppers. Save those pennies and go on pretending the holidays are about anything more than money. I'm going to stay home and watch this Monty Python's Flying Circus marathon on BBC America.

Blizzards & Brimstone

Mike — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 04:50:05 +0000

After the rugrats woke me by pounding on my kidneys, I looked outside and saw snow. A few inches of snow, in fact, covering the ground and streets. No wonder they were so excited. I took them outside while I shoveled, then we had a snowball fight. I continued an unofficial Oliveri tradition by blasting the Squirt in the forehead with a snowball. I didn't think much about the weather after that. We see snow like this in Illinois all the time, and generally if there's no wind we have nothing to worry about. Unfortunately the wind kicked in around nightfall. I was supposed to go see a kamiza (black belt promotion ceremony) at my karate school, but the roads outside of town were too dangerous and I had to turn around. The way I see it, the weather owes me one. It can repay me by snowing all night (weatherman seems to think it will) so we have a snow day at work tomorrow. I've never seen a kamiza before, and it seems like every time they have one I'm either out of town or have something else going on. My own is still a few years off, but I'd really like to see one. In other news, I finally got around to finishing Brimstone by Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child this week. At the beginning of the book I said I wasn't fond of their Pendergast character, but he grew on me by the end. So, of course, they killed him. Sort of. It looks that way, but he's in the next book in the series, Dance of Death, so he must live somehow (thus the lack of a spoiler warning). I picked it up the other day, so I'll find out how Agent Pendergast got out of his predicament after I finish reading The Wheelman by Duane Swierczynski. I'll wait until after Dance of Death to decide whether or not it's worth chasing down the rest of the Pendergast books. There's a lot of hints to back story in Brimstone, and I don't imagine Dance of Death will be any different. I do hope, however, there won't be another monologuing villain. I know such monologues -- by both heroes & villains -- tend to be a staple of mysteries, but man, I kept waiting for D'Agosta to start shooting or for the villain's cape to get sucked into a jet engine (yes, folks, it's a The Incredibles reference). Nothing breaks up tension like a couple pages of monologue. Note to sit and worry about whether or not I've done the same thing in my own work...

Snow Day!

Mike — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 05:05:57 +0000

I guess sometimes the universe really does balance itself: I missed the black belt ceremony last night, but got the snow day in return. I wish I could then say I was productive today, but no such luck. I've been running on tilt for a while and instead had a Didn't Do Shit Day. It felt goooooood. First off, I burned through the rest of The Wheelman. Talk about a page-turner! It's been a long time since I finished a book this fast. I think I'll move straight on to Swierczynski's The Blonde and forego Dance of Death for now. This is a perfect example of what I'm looking for when I said I wanted to shake up my reading. Then I remembered I had yet to watch the Sons of Anarchy season finale. I rectified that over lunch, and while it wasn't as eventful as I had hoped, it was a good cap to this season and set the tone for next season. It's been one of the better new shows, in my opinion, and I'll keep on watching. I browsed everything else the DVR has been holding for me and remembered I still had to watch this season of The Closer. I had myself a marathon, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Now I have to wait until the end of January to find out what's going to happen to Detective Sanchez. Curse you TNT! And I didn't feel one bit of guilt about not writing. Why not, you ask? Because yet another project has gone up in smoke. I had a deadline for a short story this month, but today I found out it may not happen after all. Story of my frickin' career. I'm sure I'll get over it. I've got VisionCon coming up next month, and there's still this comics project, but today I just don't give a fuck.

Why Did I Move to the Sticks Again?

Mike — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 04:50:03 +0000

Ice Road Truckin' Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Sights like this are one of the few things that make me miss living in the 'burbs, or at least living in larger towns. The drive from my office to our second campus is six miles, and today four miles of it were covered in the ice and snow you see here. We face a double whammy: the county is low on funds and thus is low on road salt, and there is nothing in our wide-open fields to stop the wind from blowing snow across the roads. I realize the city streets may not be ideal, either, but you're typically going to be traveling at a lower rate of speed and at night you have streetlamps so you're not surprised by sudden drifts. Yes, drifts. Though a lot of the ice had melted off on the other side of town by late afternoon, driving home from karate this evening I ran into knee-high patches of snow along the center line. If there hadn't been a steady stream of traffic to keep the snow from building up in the traffic lanes, the road would have been impassable. It's days like this that it would be nice to have a much shorter drive to the dojo, or be able to walk to the corner store, or to have dinner delivered. I think it's going to be another long winter. Now I understand why we have so many neighbors who are snowbirds.

Drive-By Blogging

Mike — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 20:12:54 +0000

I ran into a few items today I thought were worth mentioning, but really didn't merit a longer, dedicated blog post. So I'm just going to pile them up here. After reading that the great state of Kentucky is officially relying upon God for their state security, I learned that the group American Atheists is suing to have that portion of the law removed. Normally I hate lawsuits, but this is one I fully support. Not just because I feel it crosses the line of separation of church and state but because I'm not sure where this one ends. Will God protect homosexuals, devotees of other religions, and atheists from terrorists? What happens when similar provisions are written into other laws, and these people are excluded? It's a dangerous precedent, and allowing these people to write God into the law is taking us one step closer to an American Taliban. I have no problem with people living by their religion, so long as they do not force the rest of us to do it. On a side note, I found the picture in the insurance ad accompanying the article strangely appropriate:

Next up, hot on the heels of their announcement to build infrastructure in the Bay Area, Better Place announces they'll be setting up shop in Hawaii. Very, very cool. I'm really looking forward to seeing how this all plays out. The potential is huge if they can pull it off. Finally, Hollywood is on the remake path again, this time on its way to remaking the Carpenter classic They Live. Now, I do use the term "classic" loosely here, but I'm not seeing any reason to remake a movie featuring a five-minute fight over putting on a pair of sunglasses. Even scarier, however, is the closing line of the article:

Strike is also working on a remake of Carpenter's "The Thing."

You've got to be kidding. Like 1951's The Thing from Another World, The Thing is an adaptation of a novella by Joseph W. Campbell called "Who Goes There?", so some already class it a remake. Some of Carpenter's flicks are very uneven to me (They Live being a good example), but The Thing is a true classic. It's scary, it's suspenseful, it has some great scenes and memorable lines, the effects aren't half bad, and it's an improvement upon the '51 adaptation of the novella. What are they going to do to improve Carpenter's film? Cast Shia LaBeouf as MacReady? Write in a sexy love interest for him to protect? It boggles the mind.

Kata: What's in a Name?

Mike — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 21:58:51 +0000

Back when I first learned the kata Naihanchi Sho, I didn't find a lot of examples of it on YouTube. However, I recently started reading a book called Shotokan's Secret: The Hidden Truth Behind Karate's Fighting Origins and learned the Shotokan guys have a different name for the kata: Tekki. I did a search for Tekki, and found quite a few examples. Shotokan is a much more well-known style than the Shuri-ryu I study, but they share similar roots. When Gichin Funakoshi, founder of Shotokan, brought karate to Japan, he changed several of the kata names from Okinawan to Japanese, thus Naihanchi became Tekki. Here's footage of Funakoshi himself running the Tekki Sho kata: Our interpretation of the kata is very similar, especially given the variances I've seen between some of our kata and the same kata run by other schools. You can find a clearer video by a modern Shotokan sensei here. We have slight differences in the techniques at the beginning and end of the kata, but something key we share is the rotation of the hips. If you look at the video I linked previously, there is far less hip rotation in the Matsubayashi-ryu interpretation. At least there's less by this black belt (empi/elbow strikes excepted). Of course, he displays a lot less kime, too, but that's a whole 'nother discussion. The variations in kata continue to amaze me. They seem to be very different, but at the core you sometimes find they share the same ideas and training goals. You think of tradition as being something concrete, especially given the Japanese culture it descends from, but in reality it's very fluid, evolving with the touch of every instructor in a given lineage. Incidentally, I'm about halfway through Shotokan's Secret and it's a very interesting read. The author, Bruce Clayton, gives new perspectives on the history of karate in relation to Okinawa's political situation, particularly in the 1800s, and he cuts through a lot of the legend and mysticism associated with many of the old karate masters. If I had one complaint it's the way Clayton seems to dismiss some of his reference material and the bias he shows toward Gichin Funakoshi (the author makes no bones about being a Shotokan sensei). He takes a brief paragraph to discuss Funakoshi's faults, but seems to have no problem slamming Funakoshi's contemporaries like Choki Motobu and Chotoku Kyan (full disclosure: Shuri-ryu claims Choki Motobu in its lineage). Still, I'm very much enjoying the book, and I highly recommend it to any karateka, regardless of style affiliation. Clayton's discussion of what he calls the Shuri Crucible and the arrival of the American Navy in 1853 are a great insight into how and why karate came to be.

Tournament Photos

Mike — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:36:19 +0000

Miss Walker Go Pei Sho Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. The Academy of Okinawan Karate hosted their winter tournament last Saturday, and I took several pictures, most of which you can find here. Once again, I just took pictures and did not compete. I'm just not a big fan of tournaments, or of paying for the privilege of looking like an ass. Not to mention I've got this 'spensive camera rig that I don't use near as often as I'd like... The tournament -- and the school's Peoria dojo in general -- pose a particular challenge to getting good photos. Now, I realize "good" is subjective, so let's say "good" means "pics Mike is happy with". This can be frustrating at times, but it also makes for a fun challenge. The first problem is the backgrounds, especially the crowds of people. For example, the picture of Ms Walker above is a terrific picture of her, but the background is very cluttered. I had to crop the picture way down to reduce clutter (though to be fair I may have done the same crop anyway), and I had to tone down the brightness of the camera a woman is holding over Ms Walker's left shoulder because my flash had turned it into a bright silver reflector. The pose would be suitable for framing in an office, but would the picture as a whole? The same goes for this picture. Unfortunately there's not a lot that can be done about this first problem. The dojo is very long and narrow, and there is very limited seating near the entrance. This means the crowd -- and competitors -- have to wrap around three sides of the mat. And if I shoot from the back of the mat toward the judges and the fourth wall, I'm shooting the competitors' backs 90% of the time. The next problem is the lighting. I was able to get away with not using a flash in the Morton dojo, but the Peoria lights are placed wider apart and one of them is out over part of the mat. Thus, you'll see few action shots in the photos because I have to try to time the action with the flash (and the flash has to recover between shots). I'd love to catch some burst mode shots and even go for some slight action blur as in this photo of Sensei Miller breaking boards, but I just couldn't pull it off with the lens I had. There's a fine line between "motion blur" and "what the hell is that?" Not that the pics I did get suck. I'm very happy with several of them. I'm thinking for next time, though, I'm going to try to get my hands on a prime lens with a very low f-stop. In English, this is a lens with no zoom capability but much better performance at low light. I've got my eye on a 50mm f1.4 that should do the job nicely. Santa better be paying attention, or I'll be hiding a fat, bearded, dead body in the near future.

They're Out There

Mike — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 02:07:29 +0000

I stumbled across the following clip from Foot Fist Way and felt compelled to share: If you want to make sure your martial arts school is worth a crap, just compare the instructor to Fred Simmons, the hapless protagonist of Foot Fist Way. If you walk into a class and see the above, chances are you're going to want to find another school.

Santa Will Live... For Now

Mike — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 03:31:06 +0000

Boo! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. After threatening Santa the other day, I decided to take matters into my own hands after all and went out to buy a 50mm lens. The guys at Peoria Camera Shop took good care of me when I purchased my Digital Rebel XSi, so I decided to go talk to them again. Good thing, because they saved me about $250. I had my eye on 50mm f/1.4 lens, but the PCS guys showed me a f/1.8 lens for $100. They assured me I wouldn't see a difference in the low light performance, and the plastic body and change in aperture were the only reason for the lower price. Sounded good to me. The picture of the Squirt above, taken up close and personal, was taken in a church in low light conditions. With the aperture maxed out at 1.8 and the ISO pegged at 800, the camera snapped the shot at a respectable 1/100th of a second (with my standard lens at f/4.0, I could probably top out at 1/25th if I was lucky). I took a few other test shots here, here, and here. I'm happy with them all, but a close inspection shows there's still a softness of focus in the finer details. I'm not sure yet whether this is an artifact of the low light, noise from the high ISO setting, or if the lens simply doesn't have that kind of precision (and if this latter, would the $300+ lens have this problem). Or do I just need a tripod? Heck, maybe if I learn to master the sharpening functions of Photoshop, it won't be an issue anyway. I'll keep experimenting, and in the next day or two I'll print some 4x6s and 8x10s to see if the softness even shows up. I'm still a little skeptical about its ability to get quality shots in the middle of a karate tournament, but if nothing else it will be a nice, cheap portrait lens.

The Way the Wind Farm Blows

Mike — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 04:39:32 +0000

The local wind farm is finally seeing some progress, and the same company is starting a new development in a nearby town. I'm guessing it's only a matter of time, however, before the crybabies start squealing again. Now, I understand opposition. In fact, I expect it. It's just a fact of life that you're not going to please all the people all the time, and the good ol' Bill of Rights guarantees the crybabies the right to speak up. What I can't abide, however, is the horseshit they come up with to defend their tenuous position. A particularly vocal crybaby says the wind farms aren't paying the tax money they promise, yet offers no examples of this happening. The Mendota Hills Wind Farm not 70 miles from here has been up and running for five years, and I don't see anyone bringing their bad news to our board. Wind farms are sprouting like weeds in Indiana, and my folks say the local communities have been very welcoming of them, and some of the schools are already starting to reap the benefits. Board meetings throughout the summer were packed with people wanting to witness the hearings, and once the board even had to postpone a meeting because the crowd was so large it violated fire codes for the meeting place. However, near the end of the summer as those hearings wound down, it was down to about 30 people showing up to speak against the wind farm. When the board approved the wind farm building permits, they were accused of ignoring the voice of the people. Hmm. 30 people is the voice of the people? I just did a quick calculation and 30 people is only 1.5% of my town's population. How is that representative of a county that had nearly 25,000 registered voters in the last election? I guess some people have a very selfish definition of democracy. I would hope the new wind farm would face less resistance with the board, but it overlaps Livingston County, and the folks in Livingston County are already fighting another development tooth and nail. They've already filed a lawsuit, and their wild claims make the Woodford crybabies sound perfectly sane. I saved a news clipping from the Woodford County Journal a few weeks ago -- I don't have the date, unfortunately -- and it has a rather juicy quote:

Construction of the turbine will "endanger the public health, safety, morals, comfort and general welfare" of owners nearby, according to the lawsuit.

Gee, that sounds pretty bad. Let's break it down, though, shall we? Health: This no doubt goes back to claims that the electromagnetic fields surrounding the turbines cause cancer, or the same fields running along the power lines kill the farmers' cows. So far, nothing's been proven. Safety: This usually involves everything from tornadoes knocking the towers over to planes crashing into them. The towers are supposedly built to resist winds up to a certain speed, but the other side of it is the towers are all required to be a set distance from homes. If they fall over, they're not going to land on a house. F5 tornadoes can blow something fierce, but I don't see them carrying off gigantic turbine blades and spearing houses. Comfort and General Welfare: These probably tie right back into the above, with the possible addition of the towers ruining the view or being noisy. I can address view with this picture:

You see a view to block? I just see a long pancake of farm fields and nothingness. I happen to think the wind farms in Indiana and up in Paw Paw look pretty cool. As for noise, I don't hear much of anything as I drive by them. Morals: No, I didn't skip it. I saved the best for last. The problem is, I don't have any idea where they're coming from. How are morals threatened by windmills? Are they accusing someone of bribery? Are they afraid "undesirables" will take the construction jobs to build the farms? Is the company going to put a hooker under every tower? Do the towers sit on ley lines? Will angels get smacked around by the turbine blades? Help me out, here! Amazing, isn't it? People are all for green power and renewable energy until you try to put a wind tower in their back yard. Meanwhile the county is half a million dollars in the hole and is raising property taxes. They're knocking small pieces off the budget, trying things like cutting the county clerk's hours by a half hour a day. Road salt prices have gone from less than $40 a ton to $117 since last winter, so we can't afford to salt the roads (and as I type this, there's a good 2" of snow on the ground). The school district is seeing increases in utility bills, insurance premiums, and transportation costs, as well as facing an unfunded state mandate for additional testing for a big chunk of the student population. And let's not forget our wonderful state and our corrupt governor have fallen behind on state aid payments and transportation reimbursements. As a result, the school is putting forward its own tax levy, which is a euphemism for "we're asking for more money, too." The short version? Hooray higher property taxes! At least it's almost over for one wind farm. They're supposed to start building pretty quick, so we'll see if these people are right. Personally, I doubt it.

Random Violence

Mike — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 02:07:56 +0000

"Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it." I don't know the original source, but my old man says it all the time. He'll say it when we're trying to decide whether or not to bring something on a trip, or when we'd try to throw away some old piece of junk we found in the basement. It occurs to me, however, that it also applies to self defense. It drives me nuts when people talk about some act of burglary or violence and say "Oh, that will never happen around here." I live in a quiet, rural community, and I hear it all the time. I also hear them say "People don't even lock their doors in town," and they mean it. Imagine their shock when a couple teenagers looking for a quick buck went from house to house, going into garages and cars to steal money, CDs, and whatever else caught their eye. Imagine their surprise when two young men, armed and on the run from Georgia, were chased down and arrested in a field on the south end of town. My parents lived in a small, nothing-happens-here town, and the guy renting an upstairs apartment next to them kicked in their front door one afternoon. They were out shopping, and if they didn't have a dog, the guy could have helped himself to anything in the place. Any one of those could have escalated to violence. What if someone had been up working late on their car, or sitting in an adjoining room, when those boys broke into their garage? What if those two Georgia boys made it through the field and tried to hide in someone's house? What if my parents had arrived home while their neighbor was still in the house? Today I read about Brittany Zimmerman, a 21-year-old woman who was murdered by a stranger, possibly a vagrant. She was beaten, strangled, and stabbed and the police didn't show up for 48 minutes. The dispatcher didn't hear anything, so the police were no doubt sent on higher priority calls. If the attacker was a stranger or vagrant as the police suspect, then they may never find the guy, much less figure out why he did it. Maybe he broke in and didn't know she was home. Or maybe he just felt like stabbing someone. Not likely? Allow me to share one of the most disturbing videos I've ever seen (language NSFW): This guy just attacks this random car with a crowbar -- a deadly weapon -- simply to demonstrate how bad he is. How would you like to be the driver? Just sitting there, waiting to pull out of the parking lot, maybe wondering what to do about supper, when bam, some maniac is beating the shit out of your car, and for all you know he's going to pull you out the door and bash your skull in. 911 isn't going to do you a lick of good, nobody around you seems willing or able to help, and you can't even drive away because you're trapped between other cars. What do you do? Try to run him over? Fight back? I'd probably try the former first, but that's not the point. The point is this guy wasn't provoked. He had no beef with the driver and he wasn't trying to steal anything. It's about as random an attack as it gets, and there's not a damn thing that would have stopped him or defused the situation. This is one of many reasons I carry a knife. This is one of many reasons I am studying karate. This is the reason I would carry a firearm if it were legal in my state. "Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it."

It Is What It Is

Mike — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 05:03:47 +0000

Think Snakes on a Plane was clever for delivering exactly what the title promised? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Werewolf in a Women's Prison (NSFW): Oh. Hell. Yes. All it needs is Cullen Bunn's roller derby team and we've got an instant cult classic on our hands. By the way, yes, it's a real movie, and it was released in Japan (surprise!). Sure, it's cheesy, loaded with bad acting, rips off borrows from An American Werewolf in London, it has copious amounts of gore (and I'm guessing at least as much nudity), the werewolf has ridiculous LED eyes, and the stand-in stunt mannequins are as obvious as a kick in the nuts. I've watched the trailer a couple times now, and so help me, I can't stop laughing at the person getting ripped in half as they're dragged through the prison bars. At least there's no CGI.

Icy Doom Hates My Tree

Mike — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:24:26 +0000

Icy Doom Hates My Tree Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. This is the small fir tree near our front porch. It sprang back after an icy rain last year, and hopefully it will again. The power went out about an hour ago, and there's no ETA on restoration. I went on a brief photo expedition and will have more pics to share, including an example of why the power lines don't fare so well in this stuff. The roads aren't bad, though, so once we figure out how widespread the outage is we can go get some chow and check out some more of Mother Nature's ice performances. If it looks like it will be a while for power, we can also take a run to pick up my father-in-law's old generator. I laugh in Icy Doom's face!

Great Arctic Death

Mike — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 04:38:33 +0000

Ice Cage Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Because the Snowy Apocalypse and the Icy Doom weren't enough, nature had to come through with another kick in the balls: the Great Arctic Death. Two power outages, a half-inch sheath of ice, and over 24 hours of wind chills around -20F later, we're still here. It's been a long time since I've seen this kind of ice around here, especially ice lasting more than a few hours. With all the trees bending down to kiss the roads, it almost feels like they're trying to snare someone and drag them off the road for a snack. I snuck out for some pictures after the initial ice storm on Friday. I thought about doing so again today to catch the ice sparkling in the sunlight, but I decided I'd rather not have my nuts shrunk all the way up to my lungs. Great Arctic Death is supposed to back off a bit tomorrow, so maybe tomorrow afternoon I can get out with the camera again.

Goodbye, Sunny

Mike — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 03:06:15 +0000

Sunny Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. His papers carry the name "Sunshine Patch" as chosen by my sister-in-law when she bought him as a puppy, but we all called him Sunny. He lived with her for a time, then with my in-laws, and finally he moved in with my family. It would be tough to find a better dog. He was very friendly, yet would bark his fool head off when strangers approached the house (which is exactly what I wanted). He never bit anyone, and he was amazing with the kids, even when they were just starting to crawl and would pull on his fur, ears, or tail. He played catch from time to time, and he was always content to just lay near our feet and chill. In the summertime, he liked to stay outside and lay down in a shady spot in the grass. This week, Sunny got sick. We didn't think much of it at first, but then he stopped eating, and finally stopped drinking. My wife took him to the vet this morning, this afternoon we learned he was suffering from pneumonia. My oldest son and I went to visit him shortly before 4pm, when the vet closed. The nurse took us back to the cage where they were giving him his IV of fluids and antibiotics. He perked up when he heard us, then stood up. The nurse opened the cage, and he walked out to greet us. I patted his head and held his chin. A moment later he settled down to the floor, then rolled against the cage. I petted him, I gently tucked his tongue back into his mouth, and then I said goodbye as he breathed his last. Goodbye, my friend. We miss you already.

Deck the Halls with Streams of Vomit

Mike — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 15:31:44 +0000

Our house looks something like this today: I don't know what this bug is, but it's taking us down one family member at a time. I thought I was going to dodge the bullet until 3:30am last night when I woke up and launched last night's home-made sliders into the crapper at about 90 miles per hour. From both ends. I would have thought last night's purges left me empty, but when I got out of bed my stomach managed to conjure up something out of somewhere and promptly got rid of it. I think it may have been my spleen. Ah well, at least I can live without it. I'm not sure how much more this holiday can suck: more snow is following the Icy Doom and Great Arctic Death, the whole family is sick, and the dog died. All that's left now is for Santa to show up, kick me square in the nuts, fuck my wife, and sic the Krampus on my kids. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to spin up my favorite Christmas carol, Bad Religion's "Fuck Christmas".

New Dark Voices Now Shipping!

Mike — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 20:07:27 +0000

Hot Off the Presses! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. It may be a hair too late to put under your Christmas tree, but New Dark Voices is now available in trade paperback! Originally published in hardcover, this book features three novellas by myself, John Urbancik, and Gene O'Neill. My novella is "To Travel Among Men", the sequel to "To Fight with Monsters" from 4x4. Order your copy today! You can pick it up from Amazon or direct from the publisher via The Horror Mall.

Making the Holiday Official

Mike — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 14:53:16 +0000

And you thought I forgot this year, didn't you?

Thus Endeth the Holiday

Mike — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 04:00:43 +0000

It's a UFC Christmas! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. The parents on both sides and my brother showed up today, and I've gotta say, we had a pretty good day. Ham and lasagna for lunch, a mix of snacks and brownies later in the day, and lots of opening presents, watching the kids play, lounging, and chatting. Now we're beat. Everyone's on their way home, the kids are in bed, and the Wife and I probably won't last much longer. We're feeling good after a crummy start to the week, and it's hard to ask for much more than that. Made out pretty good, present-wise. My Complete Digital Photography book arrived yesterday, and I received Lightroom 2 last week. My folks and brother picked up Left 4 Dead for the 360 for me (which I'll be putting through it's paces tomorrow evening with John and Kraig), as well as The Orange Box (because I've been itching to try Portal). The one I least expected was the full set of Series 1 of the Round 5 MMA UFC action figures, pictured above. I thought it would be cool to have these suckers for my office desk, but expected I'd be buying them myself. Instead the Wife spread the word and the in-laws snagged them. Nice! Between these guys and the zombie horror slaughter-fest that is Left 4 Dead, I'll be having a nice and violent post-Christmas. You won't hear me complaining!

Look Mom! I Made a Comic!

Mike — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 17:26:25 +0000

Who needs to wait for artists when you have a camera? Not long after I opened my MMA figures for Xmas, I looked over at Little Bird playing with her new little princess playset and got the idea for this shot. Tonight, having nothing better to do (like, I don't know, writing?), I went ahead and slapped together the toys, imported it into Comic Life on the Mac, and voilá, instant pop culture stupidity. If it's any comfort to those who feel I've defiled my daughter's toys, I'll have you know she enjoys the MMA figures, too.

I Predict the Best Flick of 2009

Mike — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 00:50:25 +0000

Observe the Crank 2: High Voltage R-rated trailer: Opening day, my ass will be in a theater seat. This one looks even more outrageous than the first.

The Year That Was

Mike — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 05:28:44 +0000

Personally, 2008 wasn't so bad. On the fitness side, I started a running program over the summer and enjoyed moderate success. In the martial arts, I earned my green and then purple belts in Shuri-ryu karate, and I read some great books on the subject. I may not have lost a ton of weight like I did last year, but I do feel even better and I've definitely improved my strength and flexibility. I spent the whole year on a Mac, and have become an official member of the Apple cult. I got my hands on a Canon Digital Rebel XSi to get more creative with my photography, and I have been very happy with it. I bought a motorcycle and got comfortable on it. My family is doing very well, and we took our first family vacation shortly before the Wife and I celebrated our 12th anniversary. The writing side, however, was a bit disappointing. Despite best intentions, I didn't finish the Muy Mal arcs as planned, largely because other projects took precedence. New Dark Voices was just re-released and Brimstone Turnpike finally saw print, but the Top Secret Book that was expected faced some unfortunate delays. New publications brought Das Tödliche Geschlecht (the German translation of Deadliest of the Species) and Jack Haringa Must Die! Beyond that I've had some promising leads, but they have yet to come to fruition. I guess that's what 2009 is for, right?

The Year to Come

Mike — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 08:00:28 +0000

Was there any doubt that writing would be a huge focus this year? Didn't think so. I solidified a relationship with a new publisher in '08, and our goal is to do a mix of comics and prose work. It's still too early to announce specific projects, but I've written most of the script for the first graphic novel and have the outline for the first novella ready to go. We have two properties we want to develop with the prospect of a third on the horizon. I'm itching to tell you more, but I really need to get some work in the can before either the publisher or I will be confident enough to make anything public. Last month a small press publisher contacted me about a novel. I promised to send him what I've written of Powerless after I clean it up, which will be this week. It will also be pitched to Otherworld Verlag, my German publisher. Wish me luck. The Top Secret Book is back on the path to publication, so I need to finish the novella that will go along with it. The publisher had asked that I not announce the publication or publisher, which worked in our favor when certain delays appeared. We're going to have to stick to that policy until we have a release date. My next goal, of course, is to get to the point I can actually announce these damn things. After that, the goal is to actually have something to sell at conventions this year. Otherwise 2010 will be the year I finally start reevaluating this whole writing thing. A secondary writing goal for 2009 will be to participate in NaNoWriMo in November. A lot more than previous deadlines and commitments affect that, so I'll have to take another look at my schedule as Fall rolls around. On the personal side, I have the luxury of being a little more specific. We've been talking about the difference between dreams and goals (not to mention resolutions and goals) in karate class, and that difference includes deadlines. Dreams and resolutions don't count for much unless you have a plan and a firm deadline, and since I can't really apply deadlines to publishers and contracts, I may as well slap them on my personal goals: 1) Cut another 20 lbs by October 1st. To accomplish this, I'm going to continue my karate training and I will start running again this Spring. Yes, I could probably run when it's colder, but it's tough to say I actually like running yet so if I'm out there and miserable, chances are that goal will be toast. 2) Make Nikyu in Shuri-ryu by Halloween. This is 2nd-degree brown belt. My original goal was to make Ikkyu, or 1st-degree brown belt, by Christmas, but there may not actually be time to do so, even if I nail every review between now and then. As such, Nikyu becomes a good goal and affords some realistic flexibility. We have review next week, and if I pass I'll be up for Sankyu, or 3rd-degree brown belt, at the end of February. 3) Complete 25 themed photos by December 31st. The 52 Weeks Flickr group project was fun, but I felt self-portraits were a little restrictive and I had a tough time keeping up. This month I'm going to find a new Flickr group to join, one with a rotating or more flexible theme, and make sure I take at least 2 pictures a month. Finally, I'll close with a dream: I want a bigger motorcycle. Eve is great, but she's a bit small. This dream will solely be dictated by financial capability, so this may or may not happen and thus is not a goal. I'll be keeping an eye on the classifieds, but I haven't ruled out a new Shadow or V Star. Let's get the party started.

Measures for Success

Mike — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 05:41:35 +0000

I found something that might interest the many, many people who made weight-loss resolutions for New Year. Too many people focus on numbers on the bathroom scale to measure their success. We hear alleged ideal numbers thrown around all the time, but people rarely take into account their height and age. In fact, studies are showing that it's better to be fat and fit than thin and unfit. I've also read recently that thin people in poor shape may have hidden fat; the fat hides inside muscle and around the organs rather than between the muscles and skin where we're used to seeing it. This same focus on the scale makes some people drop out of their programs. I've seen a few fellow students drop out of my karate school because they don't feel it was worth the money or they didn't lose any weight. They're amazed to learn I lost 30 lbs my first year, but can't figure out why it's not working for them. Then I explain I also work out on my own at home (not to mention I show up for class far more regularly), and they're disappointed. "You mean this weight loss thing takes work? Aww, man." Some people then turn to body mass index, or their doctor and/or insurance agents rub it in their faces. Unfortunately this, too, is a fuzzy number as it makes no distinction between muscle mass and fat. When people described me as skinny, I weighed 185 lbs. I'm a little short, so my BMI worked out to 28.5 at that point, which is labeled overweight. In fact, to get down to a BMI at the upper limit of "normal," I'd have to get down to 163 lbs, which I haven't been since the 8th grade. It might have been a little more accurate at that time, but through high school and for a couple of years after graduation, I converted a lot of the pudge to muscle mass. To get down to 163 lbs now, I'd probably have to cut off a leg. Which is exactly why I'm glad I found this home body fat test. It takes into account your age, weight and gender, then looks at different body measurements to calculate an estimate of your lean body weight and your body fat percentage. If I was skinny at 185 and I've gained/recovered muscle while studying karate, my numbers looked pretty damn close, even allowing for a modest margin of error. Keep in mind, however, this is an approximation of your lean body mass. In other words that would be your approximate weight at 0% body fat, which is not a realistic goal. The chart supplied with the test says as a white male, 15% body fat would be healthy for me. To get a target, then, I would just take the supplied lean body weight number and divide it by .85. (See that? Algebra comes in handy after all.) As luck would have it, based on these figures my goal to lose another 20 lbs by October 1st is a realistic goal. Not too shabby. Maybe I'll add the body fat test to my Weight Tracker worksheet and see how I'm doing from month to month.

Geek Forensics

Mike — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 01:57:08 +0000

I had to run out to our second campus at work today, so I jumped on the country road out of town. It's probably the first time I've been on that road in over two weeks, as the few times I've had to head out in that direction I was concerned the Great Arctic Death had left it impassible. It made me wonder how long these roadkill remains had been sitting out there: Judging by the size of the ribs and spine, I'd guess they used to belong to a small deer, possibly a fawn. And I assume it was roadkill, but there's no blood, head, legs, or anything else for that matter, so I guess it's just as likely a coyote dragged it to the road and got scared off by another vehicle. I showed the Midget the picture after school, and of course he wanted to see the real thing. I thought it might be a fun little learning experience for him, so I took the scenic route home and we stopped to take a look. Being a boy, he thought it was pretty cool. He had no problem identifying ribs and a spine, though he assumed the muscular remains were actually blood. Naturally the conversation turned to what could have caused this kind of destruction. It didn't take us long to reach the following conclusion:

Substantialiscious

Mike — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 05:26:38 +0000

According to my Snickers wrapper, "substantialiscious" is the weight of something when you weigh it with your tongue. Uh, sure. I didn't want a king-size Snickers, but that's all I could find at the local Casey's when I picked up one of their shitty pork tenderloin sandwiches for lunch. (It's a long story, but I was stuck.) I bought it, went home and ate the sandwich, then started looking over the wrapper of the candy bar. Now, to me, a candy bar is supposed to be a small snack, not a meal in itself. You want to know why Snickers really satisfies? Because a king-size bar is loaded with 510 calories! You see it says 170 calories in the listing, but then you realize a serving is only 1/3 of a bar. Yikes! Nothing like blowing out a quarter of your day's calories (or a third if you're on a diet) on a frickin' candy bar. To put it in perspective, a McDonald's Quarter Pounder with Cheese has 510 calories, too. No wonder we're a nation of fat bastards.

VisionCon

Mike — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 05:05:44 +0000

So who else is coming to VisionCon in Springfield, MO, at the end of the month? I've just finished most of the heavy lifting to prepare for the trip, which is a first for me. For most cons, I do the headless chicken dance the night before, only then realizing I've forgotten books or business cards. This time that's all been taken care of, and Cullen Bunn and I should be rolling in Friday morning in time for the convention opening at noon. I'll have copies of New Dark Voices on hand, and you'll be able to get them signed by Brian Keene and I. Brian wrote the introduction to the collection, which also features John Urbancik and Gene O'Neill. This book was just re-released in trade paperback. I'll also have copies of Restore from Backup available. This is a collaborative novella by JF Gonzalez and I, drawn in equal parts from our love of horror and our day jobs in IT. Jesus, of course, has since had the sense -- or at least the balls -- to go full time with his writing. Finally, I'll have copies of Werewolves: Call of the Wild on hand. I will at least have issues 2 and 3, and I'm hoping to score some copies of #1 as well. I'd like to bring copies of Brimstone Turnpike, but I don't think I'll be lugging out a bunch of $40 hardcovers. If you have a copy or you can order one in time, however, I'll be happy to sign it. Hell, bring along whatever you have with my name on it and I'll deface it for you. I'm not hard to find at these things, and the VisionCon folks have even slapped my mug on their web site for your convenience. Here's another hint: try the bar, especially since I'm told I can enjoy a cigar there. I'd also like to hit Lambert's Cafe and try these throwed rolls I keep seeing on cable food specials. I won't forgive myself if I get that close to Kansas City and don't sample some BBQ, but I guess it depends how loaded my schedule will be. I'm going on the convention's dime, so I'm not about to go skipping out on them.

Your Modern World Spites Your Face

Mike — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 19:06:48 +0000

In today's entry of Your Modern World, we find motorcyclists in Nigeria are using dried pumpkin shells as helmets in an attempt to comply with new helmet laws. Many of them are being arrested, yet they still refuse to comply with the law. The first question a rational human being asks is "why not wear a helmet?" Good question. The first reason is because they're afraid the helmets will be stolen. This is especially problematic for the motorcyclists who use their bikes as a taxi to get people through the insane Nigerian traffic; the drivers claim they get to the destination and the passenger runs off with the helmet, which costs $29US. That may not sound like a lot, but consider they only make about fifty cents a ride. Okay, fair enough. What else? I know some bikers who don't wear helmets, and their arguments include: helmets restrict vision; helmets dampen hearing; helmets are uncomfortable; you don't get to feel the wind in the face; forcing helmets on us hampers personal freedom. Not a big deal in Nigeria. No, it's their next concern that makes them a prime candidate for a Your Modern World entry:

Stories have also appeared in the local papers highlighting passengers' fears that the helmets could be used by motorcyclists to cast spells on their clients, making it easy for them to be robbed. "Some people can put juju inside the helmets and when they are worn the victim can either lose consciousness or be struck dumb," passenger Kolawole Aremu told the Daily Trust newspaper.

Yes, you read that right: they're afraid of magic! I would kill to see ABATE present that argument to the state legislature.

Work, Work, Work

Mike — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 06:05:01 +0000

The New Year is starting with promise. At the moment I've got two contracts in progress, one on the verge of signing and the other under discussion. One's a reprint, but the other is something I'm rather excited about and I look forward to being able to talk about it. It will also be nice to have solid deadlines again. I've still got the Powerless work-in-progress rewrites to turn in. They're a little more extensive than I expected because I've excised entire pages and need to pad out a few others. I'll be begging a publisher's patience as a result, but the book will be better for it. If it works out, I imagine I'll have a deadline for it shortly. It's tough to say whether any of these projects will actually see print in 2009, but I think there's a good chance at least one will. If it only lines things up for 2010, then so be it; I've been patient this long, I can be patient a bit longer. When people ask, I often tell them yes, I'd like to write full time. Ideally I'd make enough that the Wife wouldn't have to work, but I'd be satisfied at least with not having to piss around with stubborn computers all day. So far it's just been a dream. We've been discussing dreams in karate class. The problem with dreams is they're too loose. Most people think "Gee it'd be nice if..." without actually putting any real effort -- or at least constructive effort -- into the dream. How do we change it? We turn the dream into a goal, the primary difference being a deadline. Put a realistic deadline on a dream and you've got yourself a goal: a clear vision of what you want and when you will attain it. I've had a goal in mind for my black belt for some time now, but it dawned on me that I've never put a real deadline on the dream of writing full time. Sure, I've got some good publishing credits and I work on this project and that, but I have to admit it's been rather haphazard the last few years. I believe the next step we'll be discussing in class is how to develop an action plan toward reaching those goals. The action plan for reaching black belt is rather simple because the curriculum for most styles is laid out before us. I know what I need to do to make yellow belt, to make blue belt, to make green, then purple, then progress through three steps of brown. Each belt is broken into three segments, and I know what I have to learn every step of the way, and I've been able to discuss a realistic goal for my black belt test. At first I thought it's not so simple for writing, but is that true? I may not be able to rattle off a list of titles to publish over the next few years, and I do of course have to get said titles accepted by publishers, but there's nothing that says I can't put together a list of items I want to complete. For example, I could say I'll finish one novel, one novella, and one comic mini-series or graphic novel this year. Getting them into print would be a separate, ongoing task for each piece. How do you achieve those smaller individual goals? It's quite simple, really: do the work. How do you earn each stripe and belt in karate? Learn the material. Show up for class and practice at home. Learn the kata and drill them, learn the ippons and drill them, and so on. What's the difference between a white belt and a black belt? A black belt never quit. The same goes for writing. How do you get each project done? Do the work. Finish each piece and move on to the next. What's the difference between a wannabe and a full-time writer? A full-time writer never quit. In other words, keep your damn fingers on the keys!

More VisionCon

Mike — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:45:26 +0000

I turned in a short story for the VisionCon program book, so you'll get at least one bit of free fiction out of me if you're going to be there. The story is "A Family Tree, Uprooted", which was supposed to appear in an anthology called Family Plots but the publisher bit the dust some years back. I never got around to resubmitting it, so it's first appearance will be in this program book. Hope you dig it. Speaking of VisionCon, the schedule is starting to take shape. It looks like I've got a reading Saturday at noon, so I'll probably go ahead and read "A Family Tree, Uprooted" because it's nice and short. If there's time after that I'll just turn it into a Q&A for anyone who isn't ready to bail for lunch. I don't see any Sunday listings yet, but I'll be up in front of folks twice on Friday and four times on Saturday. I'm told guests get a table to hawk their wares, so I'll be manning that, too. I do have copies of Call of the Wild #1 now, so I'll be able to sell three-issue sets, and I've got copies of New Dark Voices ready to go. My copies of Restore from Backup haven't arrived yet, but I'm hoping they'll be here before I leave on Thursday. If you'll be there, I'll see you in a couple days!

Jurassic Combat

Mike — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 20:14:55 +0000

Weston and Noah both figured out how long they would last against a velociraptor, so I finally decided to take the test myself. 1 minute, 35 seconds Bring it.

Your Modern World Kicks Your Balls In

Mike — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 06:46:11 +0000

Two more entries to Your Modern World tonight. First up, diseases are a common problem in the modern world. Sure, we've made many advances and have eliminated things like smallpox, but we still have to deal with the occasional outbreak. Most societies deal with this through immunizations and vaccines, as well as prevent the spread of disease through hygiene, germ cleansers, and in extreme cases, quarantine. That's just not good enough in the backwater villages of India. How do they deal with it? They marry their daughters off to frogs. Yeah, that's going to end well. Next time I catch pneumonia, I'll marry the Little Bird off to a hamster. Fix me right up. In our second entry, we're drawing closer and closer to the dreaded 2012 apocalypse as predicted by the Maya. There have been books and TV shows devoted to the date, and theories abound as to what the world-destroying event could actually be. Putting aside the failure to learn a lesson from Y2K hysteria and the fact that the date is just a nice round number in the Mayan calendar (just like 2000 on our Gregorian calendar), has anyone stopped to realize they're worried about predictions from people who practiced human sacrifice to appease their gods? They needed rain, they sacrificed people. They needed more crops, they sacrificed people. They needed the sun to come up the next morning, they sacrificed people. I'm just not going to get myself too worked up over the last page of a calender worked out by some assholes who'd cut my heart out as an insurance policy for reaching that last page. Makes me wonder if we're really making any progress after all.

How to Debone a Horse

Mike — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 00:10:32 +0000

The real fun begins at about the 1:35 mark.

VisionCon: And Away We Go

Mike — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 12:58:12 +0000

Later this afternoon I leave for VisionCon, where I'll be hanging out with the likes of Brian Keene, Cullen Bunn, and Russ Dickerson. If you're in the Springfield, Missouri area, drop by and check it out! Even the local paper thinks you should go. My box of Restore from Backup copies arrived, so I'll have that on hand, as well as New Dark Voices and all three issues of my comic Werewolves: Call of the Wild. The VisionCon schedule has been posted, so here's where you'll be able to find me through the weekend: Friday 6pm - How Writers Party at a Con - Panel Room 1 7pm - Writing for Comics - Panel Room 2 Saturday 12pm - Reading - Panel Room 2 2pm - The Writing Process - Panel Room 1 4pm - How to Get Published - Panel Room 2 There are no listings for Sunday, but I imagine they'll have something in store for us. In between times you'll probably be able to find me manning a table, and at night I'm sure we'll be settled in at the bar or wandering the room parties.

Con Mode: ON

Mike — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 21:32:55 +0000

In less than five minutes I'll be driving out of here in my crappy little Chevy Cobalt rental car, headed to a night in St Louis with the Bunn. Tomorrow, we push on to VisionCon proper. Because most of my 'net access will be via the CrackBerry, I'm shifting the blog to con mode. Daily digests of Twitter posts will appear here, as will the occasional mobile blog post and/or Flickr photo. I don't know that you'll be able to live the convention vicariously through me, but you'll at least get a flavor of what's happening.* If you'll be there, see you soon. If you won't, try me at one of my other Appearances. *Some photos may be withheld to protect the guilty.

The VisionCon staff

Mike — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 23:10:38 +0000

The VisionCon staff Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. The REAL rock stars, the folks who make this happen.

Tools of the Trade

Mike — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 22:12:55 +0000

Tools of the Trade Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri.

These Aren't the Dorks You're Looking For

Mike — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 07:38:02 +0000

These Aren't the Dorks You're Looking For Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. The entire 501st hits on Willie's Wenches

Best. Con chair. EVER.

Mike — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 08:03:06 +0000

Best. Con chair. EVER. Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I could tell you what he just did for us, but then I'd have to kill you.

So Long, Asshole!

Mike — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 23:08:59 +0000

First Bush is finally out, and now Blagojevich has been removed from office. It's been a good month. Bonus: Moments after he was voted out of office, the Illinois Senate voted to disqualify Blago from holding any future office in the state. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, douche.

Not Gonna Be Missed

Mike — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 02:56:08 +0000

If you'll forgive one more Blago post, I find it funny that just about everyone seems to be reveling in his dismissal. Consider these headlines: Yes, it's big news, but giant frickin' pictures and all-caps headlines big? I think the editors got a bit celebratory with their front pages, perhaps in solidarity with the Chicago Tribune after Blago tried to have its editorial board fired. Even Chicago's Redeye had a bit of fun with the story. State employees, anticipating the vote, were taking down Blago pictures all over the Capitol within minutes of his removal, and our new governor, Pat Quinn, ordered all Blago images removed from the state website by noon the following morning. News services were running before and after screenshots, and it sure looks as though the web team was thorough. Blago spoke that evening, and he claimed he "still loves the people of Illinois." A woman in the background shouted back "we love you too!" Speak for yourself, lady. This guy shamed himself, shamed the state, and even worse, he obviously thinks we're all stupid. I don't know what's worse for him: the fact that he may do jailtime, or the fact that he may avoid jailtime simply because he couldn't even bring his (alleged) attempted extortions to fruition. Quinn's situation is just like Obama's: he's inherited such a mess that he can't help but look like a hero. It's all uphill from here.

Slacking is Easier Than Ever

Mike — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 04:44:16 +0000

My productivity is shit. Nothing rubs that in like some of the profiles Duane Swierczynski ran on his Secret Dead Blog under the header Legends of the Underwood. Richard Bachman (Stephen King), Richard Matheson, Gil Brewer... these guys wrote novels in three days. On typewriters. Now that's dedication to the craft. Here I am with an $1800 laptop, fancy word-processing software, and a laser printer, and I haven't produced a complete novel in three years. A comic script and a novella or two, sure, but not a novel. I've been sitting here trimming the DVR list, figuring out which programs I can do without. Meanwhile, these guys probably never turned on the TV. They put their asses in the chair and put their fingers on the keyboard. Clickety-clickety-clickety for hours on end, take a nap, repeat. At least now I've got work due. I signed two contracts this week, which means there's people expecting work. It means if I lock myself in my office, I'm not wasting time anymore. It's something. Is it enough? Time will tell. At least I know artists are in the same boat: Jack Kirby practically had his pencil grafted to his hand. Draw draw draw, take a nap, repeat.

It's Good to Be In Demand

Mike — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 04:07:04 +0000

I just fired a 12-page script off to a publisher. It's not been approved yet, but it felt good to finally accomplish something, even something so short. In a time where most small presses are dropping titles, changing formats, facing a tougher distributor market, failing to return messages, and generally struggling to survive, it's good to have publishers courting me for a change. The script above went to the first, and I'm working on a polish of Powerless for the other. It's also nice to have people asking after my work. It's been very quiet for a while, but lately I've had people emailing me on and off wondering when Deadliest will be reprinted, when my next novel will be coming out, or when they kind find any of my work, period. I'd be hard pressed to label many of them fans, but nonethless, it feels pretty good. It's even more flattering when people are surprised I don't write for a living. Despite the market conditions, there's not much that would please me more than to be able to -- or make that to have to -- pound out a couple thousand words a day rather than wrangling stubborn computers all day. If just a few more publishers felt I should be writing for a living, maybe that would finally happen. I can already hear a few people out there saying "But Mike, you should do it for the love of the craft!" Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. My thinking is people should get paid to do what they love if they can get away with it. There are people out there who love their jobs, so why not turn something you love into your job? Bring in the money that lets you continue doing what you love. I haven't seen the big money yet, but for the first time in a long time I'm seeing the potential. This 12-page script is a direct lead-in to bigger and better things, and I can't wait to see how they play out. Good times are coming.

Martial Progress

Mike — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:45:52 +0000

I'm coming up on two years studying Shuri-ryu with the Academy of Okinawan Karate, and I'm still surprised at how far I've progressed. My weight loss may have stalled out over the last year, but I've made huge strides in strength and flexibility. A big part of that is my sensei has turned our advanced class on Tuesday nights into a workout class. We may work a little karate, but we focus on a mix of cardio, flexibility, and strength training. For the last few weeks we've done the same with Thursday night's class; it's not quite as intense, but we get a good workout before moving on to the night's lesson. Last night was a good measure of my progress: we started with 150 front kicks after our warm-up, then did 110 push-ups and 110 sit-ups in ladders. By ladders I mean we partnered up and did 1 push-up, then the partner did 1. Did 2, partner did 2, and so on, up to 10, for a total of 55 reps. We did sit-ups the same way, then counted down from 10 with the push-ups, and finally counted down with the sit-ups. I made it all the way through without hitting failure or losing form (though I am feeling it in the abs today). I'm not so sure I could have done that a year ago, so I was very pleased with myself. The Tuesday class has also been great for my side kicks. I've learned a new waza, a certain combination of techniques, that requires me to do a blocking kick immediately followed by a side kick, both above the belt. We've been working side kicks and stretches on Tuesday nights in preparation, and now I'm happy to report I can pull off both kicks. I don't know how pretty it looks, especially in the transition to the technique following them, but Sensei Miller seems content so I'll just keep practicing. If I can perform the waza and the rest of my new material properly, I'll be a brown belt in two weeks. I've been looking at sankyu, or third degree brown belt, as the next big milestone in my karate progession, and it feels great to be so close to earning it. My first summer with karate, I was just glad to have moved beyond a few physical annoyances and cut some weight. I wasn't really focused on black belt, or even brown belt. It was tough to see that far into the future, and I admit I was intimidated by some of the things I saw our advanced students doing. Now I'm right up there with them. Now I know what I need to do to hit the next point. Now I know how to concentrate on the things I'm lacking. Now I am one of the advanced students, helping to teach some of the basic students. I'm thinking about what needs to be done to hit my next milestone, ikkyu (first degree brown belt), by the end of this year. I have a goal in mind for shodan (first degree black belt), and a good idea of what it's going to take to get there. It's starting to sink in that there are real milestones beyond that point, be it nidan and beyond or exploring other styles and arts. I don't look at my martial arts journey as a long road, neither in front of me nor behind me. It's just a road. I'm just happy I'm enjoying the trip.

Shiny New Message Board

Mike — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 02:54:32 +0000

Either I'm a glutton for punishment or Brian Keene is right for once and there are legions of fans just waiting to communicate with me. Either way, I once again have a message board, which you can visit right here. Bored? Drop on by for a chat. I'll be popping in frequently to either answer all your questions or reaffirm my sense of shame. Note you'll need to be a registered member of Brian's forum to post. He's hosting me on his board, so we follow his rules. Enjoy!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Mike — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 08:14:40 +0000

A touching, tender love song for all the ladies out there. No? Perhaps this one, then.

Hallmark Can Bite It

Mike — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 05:11:47 +0000

The Wife and I braved the Valentine's Day crowds this evening and hit a Mexican restaurant we hadn't tried before. We had to wait for a seat, but the margaritas and the meal were well worth it. We had a pleasant conversation, a quiet night with the kids, and generally spent some quality time together. All without buying cheesy cards, overpriced flowers, or any other ridiculous gimmick the greeting card and related industries insist we have to buy to prove our love. Truth is, we wouldn't have bothered at all if the Wife's church didn't have a free babysitting service set up this evening. See, we know it's the the displays outside these holidays that really count. We arrange dates like this with babysitters or one of our parents from time to time, and then we have the bonus of not having to deal with the Valentine's Day crowds. I feel sorry for the guys out there who get guilt trips from their wives and girlfriends when they don't come through on Valentine's Day. Birthdays and anniversaries, fine, but Valentine's Day? Ugh. (For the record, Sweetest Day is even worse.) While the Wife and I have celebrated Valentine's Day in the past, neither of us gets too concerned when it doesn't happen. For the guys who have to deal with this monster on an annual basis, I have a suggestion: tell your girl about Steak & a BJ Day. If she's going to insist you profess your love with some tchotchke, and then she's going to throw a "you don't love me!" tantrum when you don't come through (or come through well enough), then you have every right to expect your steak and blow job on March 14th. Furthermore, you officially have every right to throw a similar tantrum if she refuses to deliver. You're welcome.

Redneck Car Repair

Mike — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 16:21:43 +0000

Redneck Car Repair Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. "Hmm, our quarter panel is coming loose. I know! Let's lash it to the license plate!" Wow. I'm surprised it made it around the block.

How Nerdy Are You?

Mike — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 22:38:59 +0000

Another meme, this one courtesy of Shawn. For each subject, bold your level of nerdiness. BATMAN Not Nerdy: Going to see The Dark Knight in a theater. Slightly Nerdy: Dressing up as the Joker for Halloween (Heath Ledger version) Fairly Nerdy: Buying Batman comics other than Year One or The Dark Knight Returns Nerdy: Dressing up as the Joker for Halloween (Cesar Romero version) Really Nerdy: Writing Batman fan fiction Dangerously Nerdy: Writing Batman fan fiction where he has sex with Alfred. STAR WARS Not Nerdy: Seeing the movies Slightly Nerdy: Owning a toy lightsaber Fairly Nerdy: Learning to play the Cantina Song on your musical instrument of choice Nerdy: Knowing in which “expanded universe” novel Admiral Ackbar dies Really Nerdy: Membership in a Stormtrooper fan brigade Dangerously Nerdy: Defending the idea of Jar Jar Binks HARRY POTTER Not Nerdy: You read the books (not even -- I've only seen the movies) Slightly Nerdy: You liked all of the books Fairly Nerdy: You own a wand Nerdy: You read fanfic that “fixes Rowling’s mistakes” Really Nerdy: You are a fan of “wizard rock” Dangerously Nerdy: You have an alternate “Hogwarts persona” MAGIC: THE GATHERING Not Nerdy: “They still make that? I played it when I was in high school for a bit, but never got into it” Slightly Nerdy: “Yeah, it was fun, but I couldn’t keep up with all the expansions so I sold my cards” Fairly Nerdy: “Do you mind if I use a proxy for Nicol Bolas? I mean, he’s forty bucks” Nerdy: “You haven’t really played this game until you play draft; it’s how the game is meant to be played” Really Nerdy: “Okay, if we’re all supposed to be planeswalkers, how come there are planeswalker cards? Am I Ajani? I don’t feel like a lion-man” Dangerously Nerdy: “I’ve tested this deck against all comers and now all I need is to win free airfare and I’m on my way to the World Championships in Tokyo” H.P. LOVECRAFT Not Nerdy: Recognizing the name “Cthulhu” Slightly Nerdy: Knowing the proper pronunciation of “Cthulhu” Fairly Nerdy: Owning a Cthulhu plushie. Nerdy: Running a Call of Cthulhu campaign Really Nerdy: Organizing a chapter of the Campus Crusade For Cthulhu Dangerously Nerdy: Actually reading any of Lovecraft’s stories (though I think this should be swapped with Really Nerdy) NERD TELEVISION Not Nerdy: Lost Slightly Nerdy: Buffy The Vampire Slayer Fairly Nerdy: Battlestar Galactica Nerdy: Stargate: Atlantis Really Nerdy: Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog Dangerously Nerdy: The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. (but a vague memory) STAR TREK Not Nerdy: The Next Generation Slightly Nerdy: Deep Space Nine Fairly Nerdy: the one where Picard rides a dune buggy Nerdy: any of the novels Really Nerdy: owning a phaser Dangerously Nerdy: speaking fluent Klingon COMPUTER USE Not Nerdy: Macs Slightly Nerdy: Knowing how to use Windows rather than just knowing “how to do emails” Fairly Nerdy: Knowing the actual reasons Windows sucks Nerdy: Anything to do with Linux Really Nerdy: Getting all of the coding jokes in XKCD Dangerously Nerdy: “I’m bringing BeOS back!”

Plumbing 2.0

Mike — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:55:22 +0000

Yes, plumbing. Bear with me. Our local utility sends out a pamphlet with every bill, and this month the pamphlet included an advisory to turn water heaters down to 120 degrees Fahrenheit to prevent scalds and save energy. Most water heaters, apparently, are dialed up to 140F by consumers. Someone already resolved the energy issue by inventing on-demand water heaters, aka tankless water heaters. Rather than having a big tank of water that is constantly re-heating the water, a tankless heater runs only as hot water is used. You turn on the hot water faucet, the tankless water heater fires up as the water flows through. However, I think the same scalding problem exists: you set the dial and the tankless heater does its thing. If you want warm water, you still have to mix hot with cold to find the middle ground. Not to mention it still seems counterproductive to heat up the water, only to cool it back down so you don't burn your hands. That said, why not take all this fancy technology of ours -- Bluetooth, X10, 802.11 wireless, and so on -- and gin up a way for the consumer to tell the heater how hot to make the water? For example, you want to take a shower. You dial in the temperature and boom, that's how hot the water comes out. Even better, you let parents and caregivers put a safety on the equipment, so kids and/or grandma don't accidentally melt their faces off. At the same time, the heater is using less energy because it knows it only has to get the water to, say, 90F, rather than cranking all the way up to 120F or so. Less gas or electricity required, and possibly less water wasted until the right temperature comes through. Why is this not already an option? If they can make fridges that can order frickin' milk before I run out, I would think this would be a piece of cake. In fact, it might even make the home more flexible. Maybe you only need to run a single pipe through the house instead of both hot and cold. Now you could get hot water from your garden hose. You pay a little more for the smart heater and faucets, but you save on labor installing two sets of pipes, and in the long run maybe you save more on your water bills because you're not running both sides. "But Mike, what if I want to take a shower while the wife is washing dishes?" No sweat: you have two circuits of water. Two tanks run by one controller/server. I get a nice, warm shower, while she has hotter water for the dishes. Only want one heater? Fine, coolest demand wins for safety. My shower's warm and she can gripe at me for having not-quite-hot-enough water for the dishes. More questions? Let the experts figure it out. I'm not a plumber, just a geek. Someone make this happen.

Read It! - Yellow Medicine

Mike — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 01:32:56 +0000

Like tough-guy anti-heroes? They don't come much tougher or more morally ambiguous than Deputy Billy Lafitte. I asked Kent Gowran to recommend a few good crime novels a while back, and Yellow Medicine by Anthony Neil Smith was on the list. I ordered it, read it, loved it. Smith's first-person narrative is top-notch, providing a great picture of Lafitte's character as well as sucking the reader into the story. The plot and action pull no punches, and my horror readers who enjoy a good thriller would do well to pick this one up. The plot itself is simple: terrorists come to small-town America. Lafitte bends the law to his advantage from time to time, and when an old partner from New Orleans tells the members of a terror cell that Lafitte can help them make inroads into the meth trade, they waste no time proving they mean business. Lafitte soon finds himself stuck between the feds and the terrorists, but he's not one to waste time catering to either. I'd like to see this one hit the big screen, too. It reminds me a bit of Fargo and A Simple Plan, but it would hold its own. Assuming, of course, the Lafitte character makes it through the studio intact... Give it a read, folks. You won't be disappointed.

Great Short Flick: Zombie Zombie

Mike — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 01:48:13 +0000

A stop motion-animated tribute to John Carpenter's The Thing using G.I. Joe figures as characters: Brilliant. Found via Comics Connection.

Credit Crisis Explained

Mike — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 07:57:24 +0000

Have trouble understanding just why the housing market and the banks are in such deep shit? Check out The Crisis of Credit Visualized, which breaks it down into a simple explanation graphics. It makes it easy to see just how stupid the banks and big investment firms really are.

Seventh Son of Your Modern World

Mike — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 20:38:49 +0000

I don't know what's funnier about this story: the fact the vigilantes captured a goat or the police are actually keeping the goat in custody. Said goat is allegedly a car thief. No, the goat didn't try to steal the car; the vigilantes claim the actual thief turned himself into a goat to evade capture. I tell you what, you want to get away with a crime, Nigeria is the place to be. Just leave a goat at the end of an alley, rob a bank, and run down the alley to make your escape. Throw a couple bucks around the goat to complete the picture, then hide and watch the authorities drag the goat off to justice. The best part of the article is this quote from a police spokesman:

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat."

Let me get this straight. His actions indicate he's at least willing to entertain the notion that a human being can turn into a goat, but he's worried about the scientific basis in proving it? I have to question this guy's understanding of "science." In fact, I imagine the trial will go something like this: With luck the goat will turn the magistrate into a newt and call it a day.

NEEERRRRRDDD!!

Mike — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 19:13:22 +0000

For the life of me, I can't figure out how the producer of this spot made it through the interview without giving this kid an atomic wedgie: I'm tempted to send my folks an email with the video link and a note saying "thank you for not raising me like this." Of course, the kid will probably grow up to put cameras in co-eds' dorms, nail a Delta, and make a complete fool of this guy:

Smoke Blog: RyJ Habana Reserve

Mike — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 04:40:05 +0000

It wasn't quite warm enough for a cigar, but I went ahead and took a robusto out for a quick one anyway. Tonight's smoke of choice: the Romeo y Julieta Habana Reserve. I stumbled across a sampler offer in a magazine a few months ago, ordered it, and then forgot about them. I was quite pleased when I nearly tripped over the UPS box the other day.

Not a half bad smoke. It was heavier than I expected, but had a very pleasant, consistent flavor. The light went easy, but I did have a hard time keeping it lit and had a few problems with tunneling. It was cold and breezy out and I was multitasking as usual, though, so I'm not going to hold the burn issues against it until I try a couple of the others from the sampler. (It's also hard to say how long they were sitting around before shipping.) Though they're a little stronger than the RyJ Reserva Real, I look forward to trying the next one. I suspect these would go well with a good lager, something I'll have to test when grilling season returns.

Crises of Confidence

Mike — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 05:02:26 +0000

Tonight I was promoted to Sankyu, or 3rd-degree brown belt, in Shuri-ryu karate. That's not something I'd ever thought I'd be able to say in my lifetime, but man does it feel good. Not that it was an easy review or test, mind. While I practiced my butt off for it, I have a bad habit of getting nervous and choking during the actual review process. I could (and should) have made it all the way through the review process on Tuesday, but in working through a set of techniques called ippon kumite kata #10, I kept stepping back with the wrong leg at the end. I did it wrong the first time, then did it right, but second-guessed myself and ran it wrong yet again because the people around me were making my same mistake. By that time I was completely thrown off and got sent off to work on it. I was extremely upset with myself because I knew better, and though my muscle memory was trying to tell me I was doing it wrong, I let my brain dump a big load of doubt on me and that was all she wrote. Fortunately I was able to take another crack at it and passed, and I was able to finish the rest of the review process and earn my belt tonight. I have the same crisis of confidence with other things. Call it performance anxiety, stagefright, or whatever, it's generally when I'm on the spot that I start getting uncomfortable. I have no problem doing panels at conventions these days, and I still enjoy standing behind a busy table. Yet I start second-guessing myself if I'm the center of attention in other situations. In fact, I've been more worried about performing my kata, Empi Sho, tomorrow night than I was about earning the belt in the first place. I get out to Peoria dojo about once a month, so I don't run my kata in front of the other instructors and students very often. Not only do I have to look like I earned my belt, I have to make my Sensei look good as both a martial arts instructor and an employee of the school. Not to mention all the parents, siblings, friends, etc., of other students will be there watching. No pressure, right? Honestly, there shouldn't be any. I've been running the kata for 18 weeks now, and while that's not total mastery by any stretch, it's enough that I have the movements down and can get through it without getting shredded by other karateka. Ill even admit I've kind of been hoping I'd have a family conflict rise up so I could get out of it. But brown belt's a big deal. I should be there to receive my belt, and I should be there to support the other students from my dojo who were promoted. So I'm going to call it an exercise in self-discipline and just suck it up and head over there. The Wife is going to come along to take pictures, so I'm calling it a photo op as well. Believe it or not it helps, and tomorrow I plan to share some photos here on the blog and on Flickr. Watch this space. As for the future, if yellow belt was the first big milestone in the belt progression, I consider Sankyu the second. There are two more levels of brown belt between here and black belt, and Ikkyu, or first degree brown belt, is the next major milestone. My goal is to make Ikkyu by the end of this year, but I'm going to have to bust my ass to do it. Once I make Ikkyu, it's a working and waiting game until Shihan Joseph Walker decides I'm ready to test for black belt. It's a long way off, but it looks a hell of a lot closer now than it did when I first put on a white belt two years ago next week.

That Which Does Not Kill Me...

Mike — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 02:43:17 +0000

I survived graduation night. I got recruited to help out, so I spent most of the night lining up the new graduates before they went out onto the mat and helping tie their new belts onto them. This worked out well because it kept me busy rather than sweating my own pending performance. It proved an interesting experience in itself, too, with some of the lower ranks calling me sir and oohing and ahhing when they noticed I had just earned my brown belt. My own kata went smooth. My biggest concern with Empi Sho is always the leap at the end, and my heel landed in a seam between the mats. Of course I sank right down into it and my leg wobbled. I had a sudden image of falling on my ass in front of the crowd, but I managed to keep my footing and finish the kata. Some friends in the crowd assured me it looked fine. Either way, Shihan Walker tied my new brown belt around me a moment later and all was right with the world.

There are more pictures from the night on my Flickr account. Some are a little fuzzy because I left my wife with a prime lens and a low aperture without having the time to explain how to manage it. She caught me dropping an elbow on an imaginary opponent during the kata, though, and it's in focus enough to see I need to concentrate on kicking my heels out a little more in kiba dachi. I'll blame the nervousness. I'll be learning two new kata as a Sankyu: one called Seyunchin, which was only recently added to our curriculum, and Tsue sho, a bo kata. I learned Tsue sho Saturday morning and it's not particularly difficult, especially after seeing it run in class so many times and having participated in interpretation drills for it with higher ranks. I only found one video of it here; it's very sloppy so I almost hesitate to link it, but the moves are the same and you'll get the idea. I hope to learn Seyunchin this week, and this is what I'm in for: I've seen it run several times and have always thought it looked like fun. I suspect it will be a little more difficult to learn, but I'm up for it. If nothing else it will bring more variety to my workouts at home.

Birth Control

Mike — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 21:35:04 +0000

Thinking about having kids? Let me tell you a story. I was in the shower this morning, minding my own business, when I heard the bathroom door open. I heard my wife say something about "upstairs potty" and the Squirt making some noises of protest, and then the door closes again. No problem, thought I. A moment later I hear a little voice humming the Indiana Jones theme music. (See, for the Squirt, who is 4, pooping is an adventure worthy of theme music.) "Who's out there?" I ask. "Me!" Yep, the Squirt. "I'm poopin'!" Swell. I wait. Then the smell hits me. I don't know what we've been feeding this kid, but I think it had been dead just a little too long. When I made gagging noises, he laughed and laughed. I begged him to give his old man a courtesy flush. "I can't! I'm not done poopin'!" I explained the courtesy flush as my eyes watered and I choked on the stench. I swear the grout between the shower tiles was melting. This is about the time the door opened again and the Wife stepped in. She flushed the toilet, prompting a round of water works. It went something like this: "WAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Now I can't finish poopin'!" "You can, too, now do what your father says!" Slam! "WAAAAHHHH!!!" I explained that yes, he can very easily finish poopin', and he should do so and get going so Daddy can get out of the shower and finish getting ready for work. I explained once again that the Courtesy Flush is a Good Thing, especially in public restrooms or when Daddy is trapped in a Fog of Doom. The door opens. Our front door is directly up half a flight of stairs from the bathroom door, and I can hear the kids we babysit and their mother (who also happens to be a co-worker) in the foyer talking to the Wife. The kids are excited because they have playtime before school and the wives are chatting it up. The door does not close. The Squirt returns to the bathroom. To close the door? No, to wash his hands. I hear the Wife telling him to close the door for Daddy. Kids are running everywhere. The women are laughing. I tell the Squirt to close the door. "I can't, I'm drying my hands!" Gah. Finally he closes the door. I turn off the shower, start to open the curtain. Wait, the door opens again! The door was not closed tight, and rather than just shoving it closed, the Squirt has to open the door and then close the door. Fortunately I'm a brown belt and with my amazing catlike reflexes I was able to throw the shower curtain closed and spare the world the site of my fat, wet, naked ass. This is the life of a parent. You have been warned.

Call for Comics Artists

Mike — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 04:34:17 +0000

It's no secret I've been working on an original graphic novel for the last month or so, and it's just about done. The book is sold, and the publisher and I are now looking for an artist. Given the number of comics folks who read this -- writers, artists, fans, media -- I'm hoping you all may be able to help me out. If you're an artist looking for work, drop me a line. If you know someone with talent looking for work, feel free to send them my way. Online galleries would be great, but I'm happy to look at portfolios or samples via email. This will be a black & white horror book. If the publisher and I like the samples, we'll talk to those artists more about sketches and sample pages. Thanks!

Form vs Function in the Battle of the Sexes

Mike — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 04:42:09 +0000

Your Robot Overlords Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. The Midget's teacher put out a call for parents to help build robots. Who am I to pass up an opportunity to take an hour or so out of the workday to help kids play with aluminum foil, cardboard, and PVC tubing? Not only was I the only dad to show up, I was the only one to show up with a battery-powered reciprocating saw. Hot glue? Pipe cleaners? Yeah, we'll get there. First we need to cut some shit up. I got to work with the Midget first. I asked him what kind of robot he wanted. "A Death Robot!" That's my boy! By the time we finished, his robot had a jet pack and a flame thrower. If you look at the picture, you'll see a tall robot with eyes as black and evil as our souls. Yeah. That's the Death Robot. That's about the time I noticed the robots the women were building were all... different. They're all cutesy smiles and clever, crafty bits that make their robots look all nicey-nice. Sure, a couple had jet packs, but you don't see any chest-mounted torpedo launchers on their robots. They were more worried about hair and hats. (Yes, hair. On a robot. No, I don't get it either.) Our robot doesn't even have a mouth. The Midget did ask if it needed one, but in the end we decided it wasn't going to eat; it would be too busy roasting the flesh from your bones. Function over form, baby. The next kid I helped built a different robot. His is the second from the right, with the pipe-cleaner smile and the big doe eyes. Mom obviously packed his kit, because he had a whole rainbow of pipe cleaners and bags of marshmallows and cotton balls. Mom had a design in mind and he rolled with it. Hey, it's cool. It's the kid's project, after all. We glued it together and he was happy as a clam when he went back to class. Moments later, out came the Midget's best buddy. He sat down with his scissors and bottle of Elmer's glue, and he had a bag of whatever knick knacks his folks found at the bottom of a drawer. "No sweat, Buddy," I said. "We got all these other parts to work with." His eyes lit up as he surveyed the cardboard tubes, the PVC pipes, the extra caps and bottles, and yes, the reciprocating saw. "Now, what kind of robot do you want to build?" "I want him to have a sword for chopping up bad guys!" Not hard to see why he and the Midget were buddies. "Rockin'." I picked up the saw. "You want to help me cut up the PVC?" His expression wasn't hard to read. A little later we had a squat robot with eye stalks and a jet pack. That's him to the left of the Midget's Death Robot. He's even got big, stomping feet to shake the earth as he walks. Sadly the lunch bell rang before we could work up a sword. Once again, no mouth. This robot just gets down to business. Friendly? Cuddly? Not when there's a horror writer and a reciprocating saw involved! I can't wait to build some more robots tomorrow.

Advice for Dealing With Artists

Mike — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 16:38:34 +0000

It's a good thing I love the comics medium, because landing an artist is hard, hard work. The good ones are either already taken or have page rates beyond the reach of any small press. At the next level they're technically solid, but they think they're deserving of the page rates the big guys get. And finally you have the guys who are as hungry as you are to get published, but their work is not quite ready for prime time. It's not hard to see why some companies shop the film rights for a new property before signing the publishing contracts: without that Hollywood money, they couldn't be afford to pay a good artist. It's easy to get discouraged. There have been many times I started a dialog with a good artist, only to apologize for wasting their time after seeing their page rates. Working with Joe Bucco on Werewolves: Call of the Wild was a good combination of luck and timing that I have yet to be able to repeat. I've come close a couple times, but a combination of factors has prevented those other attempts from coming to fruition. But it's cool. I just turn back to the keyboard and I remember a certain piece of advice:

Ulterior Motives

Mike — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 00:05:36 +0000

It's important to remember when kids ask you a strange question, they have a very specific reason for said question. Today, the Midget asked "Do ninjas have real jobs?" I probed that a bit further, and came to realize he wanted to know if "ninja" is a real job. In other words, do people still make a living as ninjas. When I told him no more ninjas, he was rather disappointed. "Did you want to be a ninja?" I asked. "No, not really." And then he ran off to play with his brother. Ten minutes later we cracked open his folder from school. Turns out Friday is Occupation Day in his class, and he has to dress like someone in a given profession, such as a doctor or construction worker. Little butthead just wanted an excuse to wear his Halloween ninja outfit to school! I'm tempted to let him, just to screw with his teacher's head. Besides, this guy seems to make a living off ninjutsu. Close enough, yeah?

Smoke Blog: Plantation Reserve

Mike — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 00:43:37 +0000

Saturday was a good day. The weather warmed up again, so the rugrats and I headed outside. I rolled Eve out of the garage and fired her up, then made sure all the signals, the brakes, and so on were in working order. I even conned the rugrats into sweeping up the garage for me. I also broke out the first warm-weather smoke of the year: a Plantation Reserve my in-laws picked up for me from the Cigar Factory New Orleans. The plantation reserve is a panatela with a Connecticut Shade wrapper, so I counted on it being short and relatively mild, which would make it easy to work around and would go by fast enough that the rugrats wouldn't get tired of being outside. I tasted a hint of chocolate on lighting up, and the mild smoke was very pleasant. It held up well in the soft breeze, and I dropped the ash only when I tapped it off, which is rather impressive for a thin cigar (ring gauge 36). The flavor and finish were consistent to the end, and I took it well down to the ring. What a great way to start the smoking season. I ever make it down to New Orelans, the Cigar Factory will be on my must-visit list.

Smoke Blog: RyJ Habana Reserve Take 2

Mike — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 01:13:19 +0000

It's getting chilly as I sit outside smoking a Romeo y Julieta Habana Reserve, but I have no desire to put it out. I tried the robusto from my Habana Reserve sampler pack a few weeks ago, and this time opted for the torpedo. I've been puffing on it for over an hour now, and I'm just over halfway through it. I've been puffing steadily, mind, and I've had no need to relight it nor have I experienced the tunneling problems I had with the robusto. I'm impressed. Again, the Habana Reserve is a bit stronger than the Reserva Real, and the Habana's flavor is more toward the spicy side versus the Real's creamy notes. I'm also getting the same finish, a peculiar blend of pepper and leather that I've not experienced in any other cigar. It produces quite a bit of smoke, which looks rather cool in the glow of my MacBook Pro's LCD monitor. My neighbors must think my head is on fire. This smoke could easily creep up into my top five, right up there with their sister Reserva Reals and the Avos I've tried.

First Run of the Season...

Mike — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 02:35:09 +0000

...And boy did it suck. I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself as it was on par with how I started out last season, but I started cramping up about a quarter of the way through and it threw off the whole session. At first I feared my leg conditioning took a step back to before I started karate classes. Time was, any real distance at a brisk walk would cause the outside of my calves to seize up. Fortunately the cramping is already clearing up, so I'm confident that's not the problem. With luck it's something simple, like I didn't drink nearly enough water today (which I didn't) and it's just standard muscle cramps. It could also just be the couple pounds I gained back over the winter. My pace may have been less than desirable, but I did make it through my minimum target distance of 3 kilometers. I've also got my Nike+ set up for the new season and my goal established, so I've got something to shoot for. Just getting out there and breaking the seal is important, and here on out it's just a matter of developing the habit again. Onward and upward.

Rock-a-Bye Zombie

Mike — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 21:23:25 +0000

The Midget told me he made up a new song, asked if I wanted to hear it. I said sure. He said it's called "Rock-a-Bye Zombie". The tune is obvious, if a little off.

Rock-a-bye zombie in the treetop When you wake up There will be people to eat When you are finished You can have their brains for dessert

Kids rule.

Government Greed

Mike — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 02:08:59 +0000

Taxes don't bother me. Really, they don't. Taxes pay for our roads, our schools, and several other services. I often disagree with the way some of the funds are spent, but that's to be expected. The part I can't abide is the greedy manner in which the system works. The politicians only see projects they need more money for, so they pile on more tax codes to squeeze out more money, and that's why we now have this bloated system powered by evil and greed. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="293" caption="Founder of the IRS"][/caption] The height of this evil? The fact there are tax codes concerning whether or not you can claim your child if the child is kidnapped. It's bad enough that someone even thought that far, but can you imagine how you'd feel if you're scrambling to find your kid, only to have an auditor knock on your door because you never thought about taking the child off your tax paperwork? No wonder people want to have IRS agents killed. We've had stimulus checks, overhauls of the tax tables, many adjustments and exemptions, but when do we finally consider a complete overhaul to the system? Is it not obvious the system is broken when we're taxed on the same money over and over, and nobody fully understands the system as it stands? Last year I inherited some money when my aunt died. She had saved up money in a few different funds, plus she had a life insurance policy. We were advised by a lawyer and a tax professional to set aside a chunk of the money for the savings funds, but that we shouldn't be taxed on the insurance payoff. Come tax time this year, and we still came up well short. Okay, fine. I really wasn't surprised. Then I started looking into the numbers a little deeper. I wondered if my aunt had put the money into the savings post-taxes; in other words, had she already paid her income taxes on what was invested? Turns out it doesn't matter. The government hits the inheritor for a chunk of the entire payout, not just on what may or may not have been taxed or even just the interest that the account had accrued. As far as the government is concerned, it's income and they want a chunk of it, just as if your employer had written you the check.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="280" caption="Kind of a swell guy, in comparison."][/caption] As for the insurance policy, we were "misinformed," according to two different tax preparers. Fork over that shit, too. But wait! The government's not done yet! Because it's income, they bumped us into a higher tax bracket! Nevermind that my aunt's only going to die once. Nevermind that we're not going to see a windfall like that again. We made more money (but not enough to enjoy the tax breaks of the mega-rich, of course), so now we owe more money, resulting in an increased percentage of their take from my paycheck. Meanwhile, Illinois didn't seem to care. I still got a modest refund from a state which now has a bigger reputation for corruption than the New York mafia. Our state was broke before the feds got in on the action, and our budget's been out of whack for as long as I can remember, yet here they are, handing me my refund. But hey, it's nice to know that my money's being used for something. I'd hate to see those AIG execs go hungry.

The Quest for Italian Beef

Mike — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 04:31:49 +0000

Spotted Cow Italian Beef Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Why is it so hard to find a good Italian Beef sandwich around here? The first person I asked where I could get one thought I was looking for an Arby's. Talk about a bad omen! Three years later I'm no closer to finding anyone in the Peoria area who knows how to make a proper Italian beef sandwich. Since the last time I blogged about this problem, Gracie's closed up shop and became a sports bar, ditching the Vienna hot dogs for some off-brand sticks of balogna. I never did get a proper beef sandwich and their prices went up, so we stopped ordering from them. I started asking life-long Peorians where I could get Italian beef, and they typically just shrug their shoulders. Most of them seem to think it's just a crockpot recipe, not the food of the gods it really is. Then last week we walked into The Spotted Cow Cafe & Creamery for ice cream. Their ice cream was very good, but their menu boasting Italian beef, Italian sausage, and Red Hot Chicago hot dogs caught my eye. I spent all last week thinking about my return. We went back today. They didn't offer an Italian combo (gah!), but they did offer the Italian beef with mozzarella cheese and peppers, so that's what I ordered. A few minutes later, they brought out the plate in the picture above. I don't know why they cut it in half, but that wasn't the end of the world, especially as packed as the sandwich was. Nor was the fact they use shredded beef instead of sliced, or pepperoncini instead of the hot peppers you'd get in a Chicago restaurant. I feared the sandwich was dry at first, but the bottom proved nice and juicy. The mozz was also down on the bottom, but rather sparse. I took a hopeful bite. What a letdown. Despite the juicy composition, the sandwich was bland. Sure, it tasted like beef, but it didn't have that seasoned quality that makes it an Italian beef sandwich. We'll be back for the ice cream and the rest of their food (the Wife really enjoyed the pork tenderloin sandwich she ordered, and they cut potatoes on site to make fries), but the quest for a good Italian beef sandwich will continue. It's been suggested I check out a place called Vertucci's in East Peoria, which boasts Chicago-style eats. I tried corroborating the story, but other people I've asked haven't even heard of the place. Their menu boasts Italian beef, sausage, and combos, so I have cautious hope (Gracie's claimed to be Chicago-style, too). Maybe I'll even try them tomorrow, because this is just getting depressing. We've solved our pizza problem through Leonardo's -- even though they're 20 miles away and believe God proclaimed there shall be no pizza on the Sabbath -- and we've got a reliable lead on good gyros, but it amazes me how elusive Italian beef is. I'm not quite ready to give up, though. Stay tuned.

Vertucci's Chicago Style Eats

Mike — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 01:38:36 +0000

Vertucci's Italian Combo Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. After last night's disappointing Italian beef outing, I decided I had to try again. This evening, the Midget and I dropped by Vertucci's Chicago Style Eats in East Peoria to see what they've got. They definitely play up the Chicago angle: they've got signage along the road announcing things like pizza, Polish sausage, gryos, and yes, Italian beef. The interior is a modest sports bar setup adorned with Chicago Bears posters and memorabilia and a Red Hot Chicago neon sign. The waitress asked if we needed a moment to order. Nope! I ordered the combo with hot peppers and mozzarella, onion rings and a cheeseburger and fries for the Midget. A few minutes later, I got the basket of food pictured above (I added the ketchup). "This was supposed to be a combo," I told her. She said they built it with the beef on the bottom, and sure enough, I found some beef when I spread the bun. Not a good sign, as I'm used to then being packed full of beefy goodness. Before I get too far, I'll say that the Midget's cheeseburger was excellent. I stole a bite and it reminded me of another restaurant who boasted Alwans burgers, so I wouldn't be surprised if Vertucci's uses the Peoria Heights butcher as well. The onion rings were top notch, and the fries were sliced from the potatoes right there in the kitchen. Good stuff, Maynard. The Italian combo, though... I wanted to love it. I really did. On the plus side, this sucker was wet, and though they offer all kinds of peppers and onions and they offer mozz or provolone, I was able to get the proper hot peppers. Slices of mozzarella meant less cheese than I'd prefer, but I'd live. The real bummers were most of the flavor came from the peppers, and there couldn't have been more than two or three slices of beef hiding under there. This was by no means a bland Italian beef sandwich like I've been running into in Peoria, but the flavor still wasn't very bold, and the minimal beef meant a few bites that were mostly bread. The final verdict: a decent sandwich and a good effort, but still not quite the quality you get in Chicago. You're killing me, Peoria! I wasn't up to ordering a gyro, but I did order a 10" sausage pizza to take home for the family to sample. Good news here: the Wife and I agreed it's great pizza. Between Vertucci's and Leonardo's, we've now got a couple of options for proper pizza. (The next problem will be finding a good stuffed pizza.) I'll be bringing the family back. It got a bit pricey compared to a typical sandwich shop, but for the most part they live up to the Chicago Style label and I'm betting they are as close to the real thing as I'll get in Peoria.

iVerse Media Digital Comics

Mike — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 03:39:40 +0000

Now that I've had to upgrade my iPod to a shiny new iPod touch, one of the first things I did was download all the free comics offered by iVerse Media via Apple's App Store. A friend showed me a few of them on his iPhone a few weeks back, and I hadn't realized anyone actually ported comics over just yet (though I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose). There are a few others out there, but I started with iVerse's offerings. Each comic is a stand-alone app, and the comics are broken down into single panels (or sets of panels) that appear on the screen one at a time. A simple swipe turns the virtual pages. I was surprised how easy they were to read, and at 99 cents a pop, I can see even casual comics readers downloading a few titles. I showed Atomic Robo to my sons, and they instantly picked up on how to navigate the pages. My seven year old can even change the preferences in the comic so the panels will slide instead of curl (he likes the former transition, I prefer the latter), he can use the slider to find the page he left off on after daddy "messed it up," and he can even open and close the app himself. In all, it makes an incredible little package. There is a downside, of course. Some of the comics aren't so easily broken down into the iPod's screen dimensions. For example, a couple of the panels were obviously one larger panel cut into two or three screen pages. Half a character isn't so bad when you've got the top half, but when you turn the page to get only legs, it's kind of strange. I suspect some of this may have been lazy (or cheap) remixing, as not every comic had this problem. It can also be chalked up to the newness of the technology: artists aren't thinking about the iPod yet, they're concentrating on the printed page. Why would anyone want to cut up their beautiful art? The other downside is a device problem. I took it outside and, even standing in the shade, I had a tough time making out some of the panels. Bright panels with a lot of contrast were readable but washed out, and dark panels turned to blobs of shadows and silhouettes. Laptops aren't much better, so I'm curious to see how new screen technologies from Fujitsu and Ricoh turn out (once they become widely available for an affordable price, that is). If I could offer one iVerse-specific criticism, I'd like to see them have a universal setting for the apps. I have no idea if this is even possible, but if there were a function call to a central app setting that determined the preferred page transition across all the comics, that would be great. As it is, I find myself having to drop into the settings of each app to make the switch. Still, it was very cool sitting at my desk at work and burning through a comic book while waiting on some file transfers. If someone were willing to whip out a Kindle to download a book while sitting in a doctor's waiting room or at an airport terminal, they could just as easily download a comic on their iPhone or iPod touch. Is it the future of comics? I don't know about that, but it certainly seems a viable future. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go download Atomic Robo #2 for the Midget and I.

Fear of a Digital Age

Mike — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 04:29:48 +0000

It's been nine years since Metallica launched their crusade against Napster. Since then we've also seen the MPAA and RIAA shit their respective beds, Sony's assault on consumers, the DeCSS controversy, and the rise and fall of DRM. Through that time, I've been wondering when the same behavior would hit the publishing industry. The Google Book Search brouhaha came first, and it was subsequently settled. Now we have the Kindle 2 and the controversy over its text-to-speech capabilities. Neither of these have been as bloody as the music and movie entertainment battles, but they amount to the same thing: a given body fighting change they don't understand. And the worst part is they've been through this before. Why aren't the industries learning from their mistakes? Why aren't they partnering with digital innovators instead of trying to crush them? It also bothers me that it's never been proven that all this digital bootlegging has been detrimental to the industry (in fact at least one study shows file sharing does not affect music sales). They see X number of people downloaded an album/movie or may have read a book on Google, and they claim it's Y lost dollars. Meanwhile, they have no idea how many of those people turned around and bought a copy of the real thing. They have no idea how many of them enjoyed the item and told all their friends about it, and how many of those friends turned around and bought copies. The music and movie industries are coming around, finally doing away with DRM and coming to agreements with distributors and retailers to get their product out in such a way the consumer won't get screwed. I shudder to think of how much money they wasted on lawsuits, studies, and encryption/restriction research that ultimately failed. With luck the publishing industry will step up before it's too late. Guys like Cory Doctorow give away their books in multiple electronic formats, yet still sell enough copies that Tor Books is wiling to publish his work in hardcover. That may not be a common situation, but it shows that it can be done without harming sales. For my own work, I know for a fact Werewolves: Call of the Wild showed up on several torrent sites. Did that have a negative effect on my sales? I sincerely doubt it. I'm much more concerned about the number of people who told me they ordered copies but their comic shop never received them. That tells me if I want to be read, I can't rely solely on the current distribution model. Whether we're talking books, movies, comics, or music, they're all about one thing: grabbing ears and eyeballs. If you can get enough people to pay attention, you're going to make a profit, regardless of how the product is getting to those ears and eyeballs and how much they're paying for it. Theft, be it shoplifiting or digital distribution, comes with the territory. It's a cost of doing business, and publishing has been lucky to get a free pass for this long. Keep in mind, people are not afraid to pay for their entertainment. Take movie ticket prices, for example. I spent $27 for the Midget and I to see Monsters vs. Aliens: $9 for each ticket and the 3D glasses and another $9 for a medium popcorn and medium drink. People bitch about that, but you know what? The theater was packed, despite all the whining about the economy. Or consider the Kindle: it's essentially a $359 bookshelf. If Kindle books average $6 a pop for titles available in mass market paperback for $8, you'd have to purchase 180 books to break even. Nevertheless, everyone I know who owns a Kindle raves about it to anyone who will listen. Content creators who want to make a living on their properties need to concentrate on earning those eyeballs and eardrums. We need to market ourselves as best we can, and if our publishers are unwilling or unable to leverage new technologies to get our work out to our fans in every way possible, then we need to make sure our contracts allow us to do it ourselves.

Under the Hot Lamps

Mike — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 03:56:45 +0000

I'd never seen a full-on video production before, much less been the subject of one. On Sunday afternoon I sat down on a stool in front of a large, green chroma key backdrop, surrounded by lamps and with a camera aimed at my face. A mic clipped to my shirt recorded my responses to off-camera questions about an upcoming project. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="Cool under fire, baby!"][/caption] It was a new experience, but once I relaxed and forgot about the camera, it was a lot of fun. Now I just hope I didn't say anything stupid, or that I didn't talk in so many circles that nothing useful comes of it...

Creators Breaking Tradition

Mike — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 05:48:33 +0000

I think Nine Inch Nails is a perfect example of what can be done when creators break the traditional distribution models. When their contract with their label ended, they went digital, offering both physical CDs and MP3 downloads unencumbered by DRM and copy protection schemes. Now you can download their latest album for free (in multiple formats!), they take advantage of online tools, they designed their own iPhone app, created virtual reality games for their fans, and yet they're still turning a profit. Here's a great quote from the iPhone app article:

"I've said it before and I'll say it again: I don't think music should be free," Reznor says. "But the climate is such that it's impossible for me to change that, because the record labels have established a sense of mistrust. So everything we've tried to do has been from the point of view of, 'What would I want if I were a fan? How would I want to be treated?' Now let's work back from that. Let's find a way for that to make sense and monetize it."

Reznor knows the music is his bread and butter, that if he doesn't turn a profit somehow he couldn't afford to keep pushing out music like he does. Yet he understands that the digital market and the Interent completely changes things. How is it the distributors -- the record labels, the publishers, the movie studios -- are having so much trouble figuring this out? The music, books and movies -- the creators' properties -- are their bread and butter, yet they guard the end product more jealously than the creators themselves. Sure, Metallica sued Napster. The creators don't all get it. Iron Maiden, on the other hand, encourage their fans to record their shows and share the recordings with as many of their friends as they can. Iron Maiden knows it's all about earning mindshare, about earning those ears and eyeballs, to build success. Radiohead played with a digital distribution model as well, and despite mixed results, they saw 1.2 million downloads and the physical CD still debuted at number one on US and UK charts. In the publishing world, I again mention Cory Doctorow. It blows me away that he can give away all of his books for free in every digital format you can imagine, yet his sales are still strong enough that Tor Books is willing to publish his work in hardcover. This runs counterintuitive to most publishers' ways of thinking where it's assumed that if someone can get a book for free, it will be detrimental to sales. Instead, it appears that the increased mindshare actually results in more word of mouth and, in turn, more sales (or at least downloads don't negatively affect profit). I recently learned Wil Wheaton's latest book is available through Lulu, a print on demand service, in both digital and paperback formats. While POD and self publishing have been acceptable in the comics realm for some time, it's generally frowned upon in the prose world. I'm curious to see how his numbers are looking. The big question, of course, is how these guys are able to pull it off. Something they all have in common is trust. They've built relationships with their fans over a long period of time, and they earned their ears and eyeballs long before they went digital. They already had fans lined up and eager to get their hands on their new creations. (Incidentally, it's a good example of the 1000 True Fans theory.) So where does that leave the rest of us? Good question. These are interesting times to be a creator.

Script Available Soon

Mike — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 04:25:50 +0000

I just received word that Cemetery Dance will be publishing a script collection that will include the comic adaptation of the short story "To Fight With Monsters" by myself and Brian Keene. "To Fight with Monsters" first appeared in the collection 4x4 from Delirium Books. The book will be called Smoke and Mirrors and is expected sometime this year. It will also include scripts from Neil Gaiman, Joe R. Lansdale, Frank Darabont, Mick Garris, and many more. Brian and I first adapted "To Fight" several years back, I believe for a possible appearance in Grave Tales that never came to fruition. The story hasn't appeared in any form since its first publication, so if you're one of the many readers who never managed to get a hold of 4x4, this is your chance to see what you've missed.

The Hellboy Model for World Domination

Mike — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 21:18:56 +0000

I've never been a fan of what I call the shotgun method of marketing: fire a property at the market and see if it hits anything. This is most often seen in the small presses, but it's not unheard of from larger publishers. In the horror small press, this typically involves getting a book listed on Shocklines or the Horror Mall and calling it a day. In the comics direct market, the publisher gets their placement in Diamond's Previews catalog and hopes the cover and/or title description will attract retailers' attention. In the mass market, this means the publisher drops a title into their distribution chain and then kicks backs and waits for the numbers. This is a bit simplistic, of course. In all cases, I'm sure review copies are being distributed and maybe a title shows up in an advertisement or book club here and there. However, nobody's doing any real legwork; for the most part they're crossing their fingers that the readers, retailers, and media will find them. If the book does well, the publisher claims they've found the next Brian Keene, Frank Miller, or Stephen King. If the book doesn't, they declare it a failure, cancel the title (or decline to purchase another book from the author), and move on to the next guy. To be fair, this is part of an economic reality. Small presses -- both prose and comics -- run on a tight budget, and they have to sell through most of their print run before they make a profit. Mass markets and the larger comic companies pump a lot of advertising and marketing dollars (not to mention royalties and advances) into their larger titles, making slim pickings for the guys in the mid-list arena. They're not picking on anyone or playing favorites, this is just how their business operates. Unfortunately it's not doing either side any favors: the publishers absorb their loss or shut their doors, and the creators either pray that poor performance doesn't harm their chances with the next publisher or they scan the classified ads and wish they finished their degree when they had the chance. Nor is it doing the property any favors, as this one-time performance is not in itself an indication of whether the product is any good or not. If the property was good enough for publishing in the first place (a subject for another day), then there's bound to be an audience out there somewhere. It's just a matter of finding that audience and making sure they can get their hands on it. In short, it takes patience, and for that I like to look at Mike Mignola and Hellboy as the model. Hellboy first appeared in a short in '93, and Seed of Destruction came out in '94. Seed had a few more things going for it than many small press projects, mainly a John Byrne script, the Dark Horse logo, and Mignola himself already had a modest career established in comics. Yet by his own admission, shifting over to Hellboy was a big step, and a big risk. I don't know how the sales were on that book, but I'm sure it wasn't equal to those of the mainstream titles he'd been doing covers and backups for. Yet Mignola kept plugging away. With each subsequent release he built upon his audience. Here we are in 2009, and in addition to the main series he's got spin-off comics, novels, anthologies, two animated movies, two feature films, and countless toys, posters, and other products. Hellboy himself (as portrayed by Ron Perlman, of course) appears in DirecTV commercials, effectively making him a household name. The takeaway? Patience. Instant hits happen, but they're rare. You can't predict them, and you definitely can't bank on them. If you believe in a product, you have to keep plugging away. You have to have the patience to develop it, to let it find it's audience. And there's never been a time there were more tools to reach that audience than now.

The Condensed Kill Bill

Mike — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:43:40 +0000

I followed a related link and discovered this really cool version of Kill Bill done in one minute, in one take: I love it. Meanwhile, I have determined Good Friday is not good enough. The Midget and I set out shortly to make this an Awesome Friday. After viewing this clip, I have decided it may even involve katana.

Building the Kata Repertoire

Mike — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 06:41:37 +0000

Kata are an intriguing part of karate and other Eastern martial arts. They're used for everything from the reinforcement of technique and self defense to spiritual development and physical excercise. In karate, each kata has a variety of movements and meanings, and each is often interpreted and applied differently from generation to generation and from style to style. Furthermore, it's not unusual for different styles of karate to practice different sets of kata; if two given styles have a dozen kata each, it wouldn't surprise me if they only had six in common. There's no arguing that kata are difficult to master. Once one learns all the movements, it takes some time to improve the techniques. As such, I've read statements from many karate practitioners and instructors saying fewer kata are better because of this time it takes for mastery. Others disagree, saying it's good to learn additional kata to learn additional techniques. In my own style, Shuri-ryu, there are 15 official kata, and through the ranks I've climbed so far, each is designed to teach or reinforce certain techniques. Wansu, for example, teaches us to use hip thrust to power a punch. Personally, I enjoy learning more kata. It adds some variety to the workout, and for those of us using karate for personal development, anything that keeps us moving and practicing is a good thing. My latest kata is Seyunchin, which I only finished learning on Thursday. It looks something like this: This is about 98% like ours: the steps are the same, but we execute some of the techniques differently. Seyunchin was recently added to my school's curriculum by the owner, Shihan Joseph Walker, a Chief Instructor of Shuri-ryu. It has an interesting mix of tension, breathing exercise, and full-powered blocks and strikes, and we first learn it as a brown belt. One of my favorite workouts is to run every kata I know. We've done this at the dojo a couple of times, too, turning it into a half hour aerobic session. It can take me a while to get through them, as I've built up quite a list of kata that are both part of Shuri-ryu and from kobudo (weapons) or other styles. That list includes:

Wansu (Wunsu)
Anaku
Naihanchi Sho (aka Tekki Shodan)
Empi Sho
Tsue Sho (a bo kata)
Sanchin
Seyunchin
Ni-Cho Sai (kobudo sai kata)
Kyan No Sai (kobudo sai kata)
Sushi No Kon Sho (kobudo bo kata)
Nikobudo Ichi (Kajukenbo kata)

I didn't include the Taikyoku series, as these are considered punching exercises, not kata. Also, I'm currently learning Sushi No Kon, the Matayoshi Kobudo version of the bo kata I already know (incidentally, the Ni-Cho Sai I know is a Matayoshi kata). I can interpret the taikyoku kata to sai, and I can probably fudge my way through running Wansu with the sai. Finally, I have learned two sword kata which I believe are from Iaido. It's quite a list. I certainly won't claim mastery of any of them, but again, they make for one hell of a workout when run one after the other. I can also choose to concentrate on my newest kata to be sure I'm ready for the next stripe review and promotion, or I can go back and continue to develop the kata I'd learned previously. You just don't get that kind of variety pushing metal into the air or running around a track. Those are important excercises too, but for someone like me, monotony is the surest way to kill a fitness program. I may not get excited about the simple taikyoku forms, but I still enjoy running Wansu as much as I did when I first learned it as a yellow belt. And I still say bring on the next one!

Idiots With Dogs

Mike — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 03:08:49 +0000

My brother-in-law showed up with two gorgeous chocolate labs this weekend. They were in good shape, had wonderful dispositions, played nice with the kids, listened to commands, and were housebroken. They jumped around a bit, but at less than a year old, that's to be expected. They have all their shots, and their AKC paperwork is ready for filing. It shocked me to learn they were abandoned by my brother-in-law's neighbor. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="475" caption="Rusty and Summer"][/caption] The neighbor bought the dogs for his daughter, who moved out shortly after. The guy then decided the dogs were too much work to take care of, so his brilliant plan was to simply open the gate to the yard and turn them loose. He even admitted to thoughts of driving them out into the woods and dropping them off, but I'm guessing that would have taken too much effort. I can understand when a dog isn't right for a family. I can understand when circumstances change, such as a family forced to move to a new home that won't accept dogs or when a child develops an allergy. I even understand that some dogs are just pure hellions and are too difficult to care for. What I can't abide is idiots like this who neither think about what they're doing when they buy a dog (much less two) and don't have the brains to handle things properly when they realize they made a mistake. My brother-in-law tells me his own first call was to the local no-kill shelter, which told him they were overloaded after the shutdown of an area puppy mill and couldn't take the dogs. No problem, that still leaves several more alternatives: off the top of my head, there's classified ads, Petfinder, vets & groomers, rescue societies, and public bulletin boards. Because they're labs, I'd even stop at local sporting goods stores and gun shops to see if there are hunters who might be looking for dogs. Sweet dogs like this would be snapped up in a heartbeat. Fortunately for the dogs, my brother-in-law and his family are becoming attached to them, and may even keep them. Makes me wonder what kind of father this douchebag was if he couldn't even predict his daughter might move out before he bought two dogs for her.

Taekwondo Monkey!

Mike — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 03:45:54 +0000

Here it is, proof that any monkey can learn taekwondo: Okay, I'm just teasing the TKD folks out there. I'm told Grand Master Robert Trias, the founder of Shuri-ryu, owned a chimpanzee and he taught it karate. He would even walk around with the chimp perched on his shoulders. The thought of a karate master with a trained chimp sidekick really amuses me. I like to think they fought crime together (Trias was also an Arizona State Police officer). I bet BJ and the Bear had nothing on the real thing! I probably shouldn't admit this, but this also inspired a pitch I threw at a comic artist once. The artist told me he would be up for doing a weird Western, so I pitched a gunfighter with a trained chimp sidekick. The chimp carried its own sixgun and fought its own duels, and because of his height he often shot his opponents through the crotch. They also dealt with everything from Indians to dinosaurs to zombies. I never heard from that artist again.

Spring Break: Not a Total Loss

Mike — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 04:30:12 +0000

Despite a somewhat disappointing Spring Break due to sick kids, a sick wife, and crummy weather, I managed to salvage my time off with some solid productivity. There was last Sunday's interview for starters, and shortly after I printed the script to the graphic novel script I've been working on and took the pencil to it (never was fond of the red pen). I slimmed it down by several pages, rewrote two scenes and added another, and I think the book will be stronger for it. I have a novella contract to fulfill, and I finally figured out the right way to handle the plot and came up with a better villain. I finished the outline not long ago and fired it off to the publisher for review. Once it's approved I'll be able to start banging away at the prose. I may not have been able to light up the grill, but I can't complain about lighting up the keyboard. Sure, I've had more productive days, but with everything else that was happening this week, I did pretty good. I also dropped by Borders today and browsed their art books. I found Andy Schmidt's The Insider's Guide To Creating Comics And Graphic Novels and remembered his interview with Indie Pulp, so I took it home. I think it's a bit too late to learn to draw, but I've always wanted to get a better handle on the artists' side of things while I write scripts, particularly layout and perspective. I already have Eisner's Comics and Sequential Art, but hopefully Schmidt's book will offer a broader take, offering some editorial insight in addition to tips for writers and artists. I learned quite a bit while working with Moonstone and Joe Bucco on Werewolves: Call of the Wild, but I'm still not as comfortable with comics as I am with prose. Yet. Tomorrow it's back to the grind. Yippee. Nothing like a day job to get in the way of writing productivity!

Shai Agassi at TED

Mike — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 20:38:58 +0000

This video of Shai Agassi, founder and CEO of Better Place, is about 18 minutes long but is well worth watching: The video explains how Better Place came to be, the plan for the cars, and the economics behind the Better Place plan versus oil over the next ten years. Whether you think his plan will work or not, I'm glad to see he's out there doing it rather than just letting Congress or panels of "experts" debate it until it's too late. He makes some very compelling points and if I lived in one of the areas these cars were available, I'd be happy to look into owning one.

Planet Backward with the NIMBYs

Mike — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 04:04:33 +0000

I watched Planet Forward this evening, and it only made me more pissed at the NIMBYs stalling a local wind farm at every turn. Planet Forward featured some great conversations on the future of energy in the United States, from generation to electric cars. They discussed the pros and cons of nuclear power, the pitfalls of clean coal and its advantages as a transitionary fuel, and the costs associated with renewable energy. They also featured several homebrew videos submitted by users on the Planet Forward website. Great stuff. One of those videos included a college student who was against wind power until he made a video tracking a Rhode Island wind farm project. A wind farm project, by the way, started for the sole purpose of economic development, not for environmental purposes. Out here, the NIMBYs are going to the county zoning board to try to shoot down the project. Quick review: Navitas developed the farm, got final approvals and permits, then sold the project to Iberdrola. Iberdrola says "we want bigger towers" and they're sent back to square one. The NIMBYs decide the Navitas success was only the first battle lost, so they rearm. Right now, the law says the setback for wind towers is 750' from homes. Iberdrola, by policy, says they'll build towers at a setback three times the height of the towers, or just over 1200' from homes. The NIMBYs say it's not good enough and demand 1800'. Not just from homes, either; they want towers 1800' from homes and roads. This will force Iberdrola to resurvey, probably set up new land agreements, lay more construction and access roads, and lay more copper. In other words, they NIMBYs are trying to jack the costs of the project so high that it's not viable. Insult to injury, someone else has submitted a proposal asking Iberdrola to assure the property values of area residents. If property values drop as a result of the wind farm, the power company pays the difference. I love it. They'll bitch and complain about the costs of gasoline and they demanded the state government do something when our natural gas and electrical prices went sky high, but when they have an opportunity to do something that could both help the power situation and bring some economic development to the community, they decide it's more important that they don't have to see the towers on their skyline. Indiana and Iowa are putting up wind farms all over the place, and existing Illinois wind farms seem to be doing just fine, but since they can't find anything that shows otherwise, they just quote statements from other naysayers. This video from Planet Forward sums them up best: What scares me even more is the consequences of their actions against the wind farm should they succeed. I think it's going to make other developers in other industries afraid to come around. If these new zoning ordinances and this property values plan go through, it could affect other kinds of construction. Our county could feasibly become a developmental dead zone, and our property taxes will suffer as a result when costs to run the schools and maintain county services increase over time. Hell, the newspaper made that problem clear already. Above the fold in last week's paper were two stories about the wind farm and the zoning board. Below the fold? The continuing problem of the cash-strapped county government, and wehether or not they should cut a half hour or an hour out of the courthouse hours every day in an effort to save on payroll to the county clerk and staff. This is a Band-Aid on a severed limb: assessed property values have dropped so the tax base is shrinking, which means the budget will be even tighter going forward. The water's about to boil, but we're fortunate enough to have someone asking us to jump. We best do it before it's too late.

Soundtrack to a Weekend

Mike — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:31:29 +0000

When John, Tim and I started discussing last weekend's Three-Way Man Date™ on Twitter, a lot of people wondered how that worked. It's pretty simple, really. We started the day with some cigars and hooked Tim up with a new humidor, then stopped for beer and steaks. We built the evening around the UFC fights, which turned out rather disappointing because Liddell doesn't guard his chin and Silva had zero desire to take his fight to the ground (and Leites couldn't get him there). We wrapped with our greatest adventure yet: Yes, not a night we'll soon forget. Bonus track! this is what happened when the bartender served up John's Coke:

The Changing Face of Twitter

Mike — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 20:58:15 +0000

John recently set up his neighborhood cigar shop, New Trends Cigars, with a Twitter account. When we stopped in for a smoke Saturday afternoon, we found ourselves explaining Twitter to one of the regulars. This guy has been seeing it talked about on the news and spotted the links appearing everywhere, but he still had no idea what it really does. As we explained it and tried to apply it to his day job and his personal life, it occurred to me how far this simple little app has come. When I first started using Twitter a year ago, videos like Twitter in Plain English pretty much covered it: Twitter made it easy to tell your friends what you were up to. Now it's become a huge phenomenon used by news services and corporations, and it even makes an appearance in a new Sprint commercial. I use it to keep up with several of my friends and I follow folks I find interesting, but it's surprised me by becoming a handy tool for getting help or making connections. For example, John had a problem with Comcast cable several months back, and he griped in his blog and on Twitter. Suddenly Comcast Cares came to his rescue, resolving his problem and saving him some money on his cable bills (I did a little investigating and found out DirecTV is on Twitter as well). I griped about the service at Hardee's once. Moments later, I got some replies from folks running the Hardee's Twitter account. Today I griped about a WebEx meeting, and a WebEx rep offered to help me out. Once I made an off-hand comment about needing business cards for a convention, and VistaPrint offered me a discount via Twitter. I even made a comment about the Deadliest Warrior TV show and had one of the guys behind the show, Max Geiger, drop me a reply. I mention cigars and I get several followers. I mention martial arts and I get several followers. I even got a free cigar after entering a quick photo contest run on CAO's Twitter feed. I've got a cousin who uses it for job searches, and I get a lot of comics and writing news from several different sources. When I'm slacking off instead of writing, a couple hundred of my readers know it, and there's a good chance at least one of them will give me a much-deserved smack upside the head. I even post my tweets to my website, and my mom and some other friends are able to keep up with what I'm up to. Companies are not just using it as a PR and marketing tool, they're using it as a customer relations application. It's easy to use, and there's a plethora of tools available to them so they don't have to spend any money on development or upkeep. I wouldn't be surprised if some of these folks are managing the Twitter account while they're doing routine office work. What's even more amazing is it's all public. Where you'd normally send an email or pick up the phone, these companies are searching you out and both sides of the conversation are available for all the world to see. Can you imagine a company making all those calls they record "for quality assurance" public? Not gonna happen. Of all the big social networking apps, this is the first to really move beyond just a basic social purpose. A company might set up a presence on Facebook, but it's largely a one-way street and amounts to a big page of spam. With Twitter, you get the same interaction of a chat or phone call, but the spam side of things just doesn't work because it's easy to block someone you don't want to hear from. Heck, you don't even have to go that far: if you see someone's a spammer, you just don't follow them and you'll never see their messages again. If only email were that simple! It blows me away how far this simple little toy has come. A week ago, I'd have told you all the apps and sites built around it are ridiculous. Now that I've given it some thought, I'm really not surprised. And that's the last point I'd like to make: it's easy to make Twitter yours. I've been given a hard time about not following as many people as are following me, but I really don't care. I can't keep up with 1500 people! Turning Twitter into a broadcast medium isn't my goal, it's a byproduct. I like the original idea of Twitter and I've stuck close to it; now I just have a couple hundred extra people listening in on the conversation. The Internet really is changing everything.

Smoke Blog: The Twitter Smokes

Mike — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 04:55:31 +0000

I had two cigars as a result of Twitter activity in the last week or so. First up, CAO Cigars sent me an LX2 after I participated in a simple contest via Twitpic. LX2 is shorthand for "ligero times two," making it a full-bodied smoke. Talk about truth in advertising! I enjoyed this one, but I may have been better off saving it for a time I could sample it alongside a good lager. A very bold smoke, full of leather and spice, with good construction that held up to a windy evening on my front porch. I don't normally stock full-bodied smokes in my humidor (they're tougher to share with cigar rookies), but I'd seek these out again in a cigar bar. Shortly after the CAO contest, I picked up a follow from Nub Cigars. I'd not heard of them before, but I recognized the name on a box of smokes at the shop on Saturday and thought I'd give their Habano a try. They're a very unusual-looking cigar, with a fat ring gauge (about an inch in diameter) and a short length (4 inches), making "nub" a suitable moniker. I expected it to be a short smoke like a robusto, that it might be good for those times I don't have a full hour to hang out on in the back yard. Instead it took an hour, easily matching an average-length cigar. I do think the ring gauge worked against me in the wind out here, as the rim would cool off and the interior would keep on burning. As a result, a burn appeared on the outside of the wrapper about a quarter-inch back from the end, then started spreading and effectively circumsizing the end. As for flavor, no problems there: I tasted pepper before I even lit her up, and that more or less set the trend for the smoke. It had a surprisingly clean draw given the ring gauge, and my only regret was not smoking it indoors somewhere to keep the burn problem at bay. In the end, two great smokes, both thanks to Twitter. I could really get used to this.

Run For It!

Mike — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 04:54:03 +0000

What keeps me running? As stupid as it sounds, it's this guy: I keep this Nike+ avatar on my screen saver and on my Facebook page. When I run, he's happy. When I don't, he gets bored and makes smartass comments while he plays paddle ball or video games. They're subtle jabs, but man, I hate seeing them. I really didn't feel like running tonight. I was nodding off in front of the tube, the ground is saturated and mushy, I had some email to take care of... pick an excuse and it ran through my head. I had my laptop nearby, and when I jerked awake I noticed the screensaver had come on. There was the little guy, running right along. He was happy for the moment, but I didn't run for a few days due to travel and the rain, so he wouldn't be happy for long. I finally decided to suck it up, grab my sneakers and iPod, and hit the track. Half an hour later I limped back to the house, sore and drenched with sweat but feeling pretty damn good. And though the numbers I uploaded didn't reflect it, I had one of the better runs I've had in some time. So thanks, you little bastard. You rock.

The Advantages of Delays

Mike — Sun, 03 May 2009 15:53:42 +0000

The original goal was to have an artist on board for my graphic novel last month, and to have made some announcements by the end of April. However, we've been juggling samples and waiting for a few more, and the videographer had a few other projects on deadline before he could get to ours. Disappointing, but certainly not the end of the world. Meanwhile, a certain television show aired two episodes which mirrored portions of the graphic novel. The first was iffy, and we probably could have worked around it. The second, though, tackled another big part of the plot. Between the two, I'm not sure there's any way we could have moved forward with the graphic novel as written and not be accused of borrowing from the television show (at best) or outright plagiarizing it (at worst). It's not so much the television studio and their producers I fear but the ire of the reviewers and readers. Either way, it's not conducive to the launch of a product. This is probably the first time delays worked in my favor. If an artist had started work on pages from the graphic novel as is, or if we had to re-cut the video to remove some references to it, we'd have lost a time and money. I still face a time crunch to rewrite the script, but at least we don't have to backpedal on our announcements or have an artist scrap pages already drawn. I'm just glad my publisher watches this television show, because I gave up on it a while ago. Lucky for me I'm a creative guy (he says, as he huffs on his nails and polishes them on his shirt). I'm revisiting some of my notes for the graphic novel, which included several ideas for the storyline before I settled on this one. I think there's still some good stuff in here, and I can still salvage parts of the script rather than having to start from scratch, but it's going to be a busy day.

Cunning Linguists

Mike — Tue, 05 May 2009 03:58:51 +0000

Language is a funny thing, particularly when it's translated through foreign understanding. I learned a new kata on Saturday called Shudoso. It was developed by Robert Trias, the founder of Shuri-ryu, the style of karate I study. It's short and sweet, but I was already losing the proper ending, so I hit Google to see what I can find. Not much, as it turns out. But I kept finding constructs like this: "i feel i shud oso settle for 912, but worry of the wet road performance" "They shud oso hav 24/7 polyclinics to serve a rising population mah?" "de org shud oso consider de fact dat most likely de attendees wud be within those teens dat have waited patiently for dis bands" I scratched my head for a moment, then noticed they were trying to translate should also. These were all posts to message boards and websites in Singapore, so they were typing the words as they understood them. It's kind of like how we get "vamoose" out of vamos. Of course, this is also how most of the English language was born. As for Shudoso itself, my school's director, Shihan Joseph Walker, didn't claim to know what language the name came from. It's supposed to mean "monk form" or "priest form" because Grand Master Trias developed it after a visit to the Shaolin Temple. He demonstrated another tension kata and the monks told him it was too long, so he developed Shudoso. It appears to be part of the Kosho Kempo style, which includes Trias in their lineage.

Snatch Wars

Mike — Thu, 07 May 2009 11:51:58 +0000

First, it's not what you think. Second, it's still not safe for work due to language. Once again a geek has far too much time on his hands, but this mash-up of Star Wars and dialogue from Guy Ritchie's Snatch gave me a good laugh this morning.

A Perfect Mother's Day Gift

Mike — Sun, 10 May 2009 15:12:14 +0000

Cards are great for our own moms, but those of us with families are under a bit more pressure to make sure our wives are taken care of on Mother's Day. They bust their butts every day to raise our hellish offspring lovely children, and they make sure the home is taken care of while we're at work. So I started thinking about what would make a good Mother's Day gift. Jewelry is always a safe bet, but that doesn't usually scream "mom" since we all figured out moms wearing pearls and high heels while they vacuum the house was bullshit. Time to find a family dog? No, that would just mean a gift of more work. New kitchenware, pots and pans? Only if I want them lodged in my sphincter for the next week. Time to think in more abstract terms. The Wife truly does enjoy being a mom, and the three filthy rugrats beautiful angels infesting brightening our home make her happier than just about any random piece of junk off a store shelf that I'd be able to come up with. Perhaps, then, the best thing to do would be to give her a gift to commemorate the occasion of motherhood. Something to remind her of how great it was to bring her three little monsters darlings into this world. Ah-HA! I've got just the thing: (Romantic, isn't? Sorry, ladies. I'm taken.)

A Day in the Life of CB

Mike — Tue, 19 May 2009 01:31:11 +0000

Cullen Bunn can write some kick-ass comics, but by day he's a VP of something-or-other for a large company. I'm sure he has to wear a tie to work, and he gets to sit on boring conference calls and move his employees' cheese. I've often wondered how a typical workday goes for him, and I imagine it looks something like this (uh, not safe for work): Now I know why he never takes my foolproof, get-out-of-any-meeting advice: he's no longer equipped!

Honda Home

Mike — Tue, 19 May 2009 01:50:53 +0000

The Honda Rape Robot

Mike — Tue, 19 May 2009 02:08:58 +0000

I dug up some info on the Honda FCX Clarity today. It's their hydrogen fuel cell vehicle that emits nothing but sunshine and rainbows when you drive it, and apparently there are several test cars on the road in California. The biggest problem is the infrastructure, of course, and I kept wondering where one would get the hydrogen to power the vehicle. Turns out the owners can generate the hydrogen in their own home with a natural gas co-generator. Dubbed the Home Energy Station, this cool gizmo will provide heat and power to your home as well as keep you on the road. Not too shabby! Then I took a closer look at the accompanying illustration, which appears to be some Honda vision for the future. There's the co-gen station, solar panel roof, the car, and of course an ASIMO robot. [caption id="attachment_3736" align="aligncenter" width="494" caption="Just when you thought it was safe to leave your daughter alone..."][/caption] Does nobody else see something sinister afoot? Take a look at Mom and Dad: she's busy doing the dishes or cooking or something, and Dad's busy messing with his car. Shouldn't the robot be handling those tasks? Little Jimmy is busy in the shower. Kinda odd, Honda, but whatever. This means ASIMO has the run of the house... ...and little Jenny. Yeah, I've seen Saturn 3 and I know how this works! ASIMO shirks his duties, creates his opening, and attacks! Little Jenny never knows what hit her, and two hours later she's showing the social worker where the plastic predator touched her. No thanks, Honda. You keep your pervy future to yourself.

Crackle Crackle!

Mike — Thu, 21 May 2009 06:10:02 +0000

That's the sound my left knee makes. I'm assuming that's not a good thing. I worry it's the result of a sparring match in karate class last week. I went in for a kick to my opponent's ribs, and he raised his knee to block. The top of my shin, about an inch or so below the knee, connected hard with his knee and it's been hurting ever since. The only external sign of injury is a small red mark, but I'm sure there's a nice bruise deep inside and I'm wondering if that's what's lead to the problem in the knee. No pain (yet), just noise. I'm taking a break from the running as a result, as the last thing I need is to aggravate the problem. Meantime, I'm going to try the One Hundred Push-Ups program. I've improved my push-ups quite a bit since starting karate, and the program suggests I start at Week 3. Cut the program from six weeks to four? I can deal with that. It'll be fun to see if I can make the same gains. I've learned push-ups are important to my karate as well. There's a physical requirement to making black belt in my style, Shuri-ryu, and my school tests prospective black belts on six exercises: jump rope, push-ups, sit-ups, two dumbbell exercises, and front kicks. They want black belts to hit 45 consecutive push-ups. I'm getting there, as I'm now able to hit at least 30 consistently. It'd be nice to blow that number out of the water, though. While a black belt does not have to hit 45 push-ups, my understanding is if you can't, it counts against you in your overall score. This means your kata, techniques, written test, and so on, all have to be just that much better to make up for any physical deficiencies. My black belt test is at least a couple of years off, so it makes sense to start now. Not to mention that it's just good for me, period. Then there's sit-ups. Black belts are shooting for 75. I don't do as bad at sit-ups as one might expect given my size, but I'm certainly not going to hit 75 any time soon. I wondered if there was a similar program for sit-ups, looked through the site's links, and found Two Hundred Sit-Ups. Then I clicked the link and learned it's actually two hundred crunches. Swell. Somehow I can actually execute more of what most people think of as a sit-up than I can a crunch; the middle of my abs gives out before my hips and lower abs so. And neither are comfortable as I near my limit. I must be a masochist. But again, it's good for me. If I keep at 'em, maybe this belly will be less in the way and I can execute them better. The real question is whether to keep these programs separate or execute them together. I'll have to give that some thought. Meanwhile, if anyone out there has tried them together, I'd love to hear about it. Official initial test will be this weekend. First workout will be Monday. Incidentally, this summer when I get sick of working upper body, I can move on to Two Hundred Squats. Woo!

"You're Gonna Need a Bigger Bike"

Mike — Sat, 23 May 2009 04:35:52 +0000

One of my co-workers has a Honda Shadow that I've envied for a while. Its 750cc engine is three times the size of my bike's engine, and it outweighs my bike by about 150 pounds. I asked him how different it felt from my bike. He promptly handed me the keys, so I took her for a test drive. Boy was that a mistake. Because it was terrifying? Nah. It's because now I want a bigger bike. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my bike. However, strong winds blow me around more than I'd like, and the narrow tank leads to sore hips and inner thighs on extended rides. My bike's comfortable up to about 40-45 miles per hour, but I hit 55 and she starts to feel a little shaky. It's not so much a feeling like I'm going to fall over, it's more like Scotty's in the tank screaming "I cannae hold her together, Captain!" and the not-so-warp drive is going to fly apart. The Shadow was a whole new experience. I felt like I was sitting on something of substance, and the wider tank and higher seat made for a comfortable fit. There was no choke to play with on startup, and her throaty growl had a very different voice from my Virago. I had to lean her a little harder to keep the tighter turns, but she felt a lot steadier despite the heavier weight. I didn't get her much over 40mph, but when I did I hardly noticed it. (I probably should have taken her out on a back road and opened her up, but I get real nervous driving other folks' cars, much less their motorcycles.) That said, the differences in the controls also surprised me. The brakes weren't as touchy, and the foot shifter had a more tangible click between gears and across neutral. The biggest difference was in the clutch lever. On the Virago, I let it out most of the way before first gear engages and the bike starts rolling. On the Shadow, I hardly had to let up at all. There aren't many things more embarrassing than killing an engine twice at a stop sign with two guys watching from a nearby yard. Fortunately the engine kicked in and drowned out their witty remarks as I rolled off, thus sparing my pride a bit. All in all, I decided I definitely need to get into the 650-850cc range for my next motorcycle. It's a lot more comfortable, and probably better suited to my frame. Now to see about selling some more books to pay for my engine lust...

Revisiting Goals

Mike — Wed, 27 May 2009 04:34:54 +0000

We're just about halfway through the year, so I thought I'd revisit some of the goals I'd set for myself for this year. Goal 1: Cut 20 more pounds by October 1st. So far not so good, but I've still got all summer to run. The knee is feeling better, so I may give it a shot next week after we get through this week's karate review and the extra practice I've been putting in to prepare for it. I actually ran home in the rain today with a loaded backpack and didn't feel any knee pain, so with luck the track won't give me any more trouble than that. Goal 2: Make Nikyu in Shuri-ryu Karate-do by Halloween. That's 2nd degree brown belt for those unaware, and I can say so far so good on this one. I had a setback during the previous review because I made some mistakes the first night and missed the second night due to a family incident. This week I was able to finish the process and I should receive the first of three stripes required to hit Nikyu on Thursday. If I bust my ass practicing this summer, I can still make it. Goal 3: Complete 25 themed photos by December 31st. Uh oh. Unless I make them all karate-themed, I'm in big trouble. Between the writing in general, the setback with the graphic novel, work, family, and of course karate, I haven't made time to surf Flickr groups or read the snazzy photography book I bought, much less take the camera out and about. Maybe a karate theme is just that simple a solution, with portraits and pics like my Karate Moleskine (below).

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="475" caption="Taken with my old camera, but I still dig it"][/caption]

I'm glad I revisited these goals now, as there's still plenty of time for all three if I put in the effort. But that's the whole point of goals, isn't it? If I can still get the immediate writing commitments completed, I can also participate in National Novel Writing Month this year as I hoped. It'll take some effort, but it's not impossible.

Too bad I don't have a Staples easy button.

Wild Flashbacks

Mike — Sat, 30 May 2009 04:54:51 +0000

Regular television just kills writing productivity, so I flipped over to the XM stations as I continued to massage this outline for the graphic novel. I'm a chronic channel hopper, even on the radio, so every so often I'd flip around to find something worth listening to. At one point I stumbled across Duran Duran's "Wild Boys". It instantly put me in mind of the Mad Max-like video. Anyone else remember this thing? When I was a kid, I thought this video was the shit. Post-apocalyptic setting, a rough sound, bad-ass lyrics, fire and explosions... it had it all. I know better now, of course, but at the time I was wondering when they'd strap me to a windmill so I could sing defiantly as they dunked me in the water. In fact, it's that ridiculous windmill that I remembered the moment the song came on. I was so struck by its stupidity that I looked up the video to make sure it wasn't just some corruption of the video by my memory. I dragged the slider through the YouTube video and sure enough, there's Simon Le Bon strapped to one blade of a windmill that dipped his head into a pool of water every time it reached its lowest point. Then it hit me: they weren't just trying to make it look cool, they were trying to drown the bastard! "Climb on, Simon. No, really, it's perfectly safe. We promise!" Then, a couple hours later: "I knew we should have made it go deeper. Now I guess we need to finish this damn thing. We'll just make it as ridiculous as possible so nobody will watch it. That'll work, right?" Oops.

Watchin' Fists Fly

Mike — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 01:05:45 +0000

I didn't expect much out of the mixed martial arts matches when I hit Throwdown 2 in East Peoria Saturday night, but there were some great fights. I had a good view of the cage, and with 15 fights and 2 more female fights, it was an exciting evening. I did take a few pictures, but I was stuck with my CrackBerry camera so they're a bit grainy. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="That's gotta hurt."][/caption] Only one fight went to decision, and it was still an exciting fight. The ladies' matches were also far more exciting than some of the female bouts I've seen on TV, but one ended in a disqualification and the other ended when the corner man threw in the towel. The majority of matches ended in submissions, but there were a few ref stoppages, a doctor stoppage, and a couple knockouts. The doctor stoppage came after the first round ended: the bell rang, the fighter went to his corner, then just fell over. The docs took a look at him and it was declared a knockout. In the other scary knockout, one fighter got choked unconscious and the ref apparently didn't notice it in time. It was a good minute or so before he showed any signs of stirring, and you could just feel the crowd holding its collective breath until the docs helped the fighter to his feet. The sound system at the event center sucked, but we had a good time picking apart the entrance music for some of the fighters. One, for example, entered to Drowning Pool's "Bodies": Effective, sure, but predictable and more than a little cliché. Then you had some rap and hip hop, but their deep bass was lost in the muddy speakers and crummy acoustics of the hall. There were two odd choices, too: "Learning to Fly" and "Mary Jane's Last Dance" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. We heard those opening chords and laughed our asses off. Don't get me wrong, theyr'e not terrible songs, I just can't imagine anyone getting pumped up and ready to fight while listening to either of those tracks. I'll grant the one fighter probably was going for the pot reference, but the other? No idea. We decided he deserved to get beaten down for coming out to a weak song. He promptly shut us up by knocking the shit out of his opponent. Three strong right hands and his opponent was down, and not long after that it was all over. Given that performance, he can enter to frickin' "Fruit Salad" for all I care. In any case, I can't wait 'til the event comes back next year. With luck the guys from the dojo will get more VIP tickets next time around so I'll be right off the canvas.

The Wiggles Party Down

Mike — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 01:08:19 +0000

In searching for some video links for that last post, I found this mash-up of The Wiggles and just can't stop laughing. It probably helps that I had to sit through several Wiggles tunes with the rugrats. Oh, and before you press the play button, I'll give you the Not Safe For Work warning:

Pakistan Has Doomed Us All

Mike — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 02:56:44 +0000

An alien showed up in Pakistan, and what do they do? Kill it. "Look, an alien! Let's kill it, cook it up, and show it off on a dinner plate so his friends get really pissed!" Thanks, Pakistan! Guess we best start preparing for the invasion. At least they're tiny and likely have tiny ships. Maybe we can shoot them all out of the sky with Predator drones. (Disclaimer: No, I'm not convinced this is the real deal. It's probably a misunderstanding, a hoax, or part of a movie. It just amuses me that some third world pinheads could conceivably doom the entire planet.)

Your Modern World Punches Your Brain

Mike — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 17:00:50 +0000

There's a lot of debate over the cause or source of homosexuality, mostly involving nature vs. nurture, biology vs. desire, and so on. We can all agree, however, that it's not caused by demonic possession. Or so I thought. It stuns me that these things still happen. Most people of faith can reconcile science and psychology with their beliefs and move on with their lives. Unfortunately whackjobs like this make them look bad. As far as I'm concerned, these people are no different from the pinheads who kill albinos for their magic, sacrifice goats to fix airplanes, or marry their daughters off to frogs. At least this kid lived through his ordeal. Another boy died, and police rescued a young girl as her own grandfather strangled her. Welcome to progress, people. This is your modern world.

What do you mean it's July already?!

Mike — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 22:15:33 +0000

Memorial Day and the Fourth of July are only a week apart, right? No? Sure felt like it. It's been one of those months where I did a lot but accomplished little, especially on the writing front. Sure, I got a short story done and submitted, but I haven't been able to make (yes make, not find) the time to put a dent in my other obligations. I'm sitting on two accepted outlines and a publishing schedule, so I really need to get my ass in gear. I guess that's what "next month" is for. Stupid procrastination. Writing that short also made me realize my creativity has been in the crapper. I labored over its plot far longer than I should have, and it also took me far longer to put together some simple outlines than it would normally have taken me. Hell, I've even been silent on the blog because I didn't have much to say, and the following picture is as close as I've come to doing anything remotely creative with my camera in weeks, if not months: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Beating procrastination is so f'n metal!"][/caption] So, yeah. Half the year mostly pissed away. You people really need to smack me around more.

Smoke Blog: Hoosierland

Mike — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 04:28:24 +0000

How to Spot a Good Cigar Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. This new batch of Romeo y Julieta Reserva Reals I purchased is killing me. Not because they taste bad or anything like that, but because they take so damn long to smoke. The sticks in this box have averaged two hours a piece, which keeps me on the porch far longer than I expected. It's a good thing my wireless is still in reach. As you can see from the picture, I stick through to the end. How do you know when a Reserva Real is done? When it goes out and it's so short you risk burn your face off relighting it. Mild flavor, good ash, heady smoke, a clean draw... it's hard to find anything to complain about with these bad boys. My only mistake may have been opting for the Double Corona size, but I'll live. I had this one out on my folks' porch Friday night, and I thought they lived in a sleepy little town until this weekend. The Fourth of July weekend brings out the crazy in rural Indiana. For starters, two of their immediate neighbors lit off so much ordnance I thought I was sitting in the middle of the Hatfield/McCoy feud. Judging by the frequent cries of "Oops!" and "Oh shit, run!" they were more a danger to themselves than one another, however. After the rest of the town joined in, the place sounded like a war zone. I was tempted to grab a rifle and start painting "Wolverines!" on the sides of trucks. I watched the largest raccoon I've ever seen walk down the sidewalk across the street. That struck me as odd until a kid shouted "Raccoon!" and burst out of the front door. His thick goggle glasses reflected the street lamps, and as he sprinted after the raccoon it struck me that this may well have been the inspiration for the karate kid in Smokin' Aces. His sister shouted after him and he stopped short at the curb, then slunk back to the house. He emerged twice more, each to do little more than run in a circle or to sneak around Bluto Blutarsky-style in his front yard. I'm not sure what he'd have done with the raccoon had he caught it, but I imagine getting his face torn off was high on the list. Then came Scooter Man, who doesn't know it but he came within inches of the end of his life. The motor on his little turdmobile sounded like a swarm of angry gnats all digging into your ear canal at once. And he rode up the street and back several times, sometimes on our street, sometimes on the next block north or south. One time someone else rode by on the scooter and returned, and then he reappeared. I thought he might have been making a beer run from a party, but he must have gotten really, really lost along the way. That or he decided it would be more fun to shuttle the case home one can at a time. After the fifth or sixth pass of his whiny little engine, even the Wife wanted to end him. There were other instances of minor strangeness: the large woman on a bicycle belting out "Angie" by the Stones; the SUV with tinted windows and thumping bass that rolled to a sloooow stop in front of the house, then drove on a moment later; the giant, unidentified bug that I stomped flat and burned to a crisp with my butane lighter, just to be sure it was dead, dead, dead; the trio of children who were obsessed with a six-inch square of asphalt for over ten minutes. Normally these nights on my folks' porch are completely uneventful. It was like I fell into some redneck version of the Twilight Zone. Meanwhile, tonight's main fireworks display was postponed due to rain, so the neighborhood idiots have filled in. A third neighbor put on a nice display, but then three window-rattling booms shook the neighborhood, so we took cover. There's a fire extinguisher in the next room. I'll let you know if I have to put out any pinheads tonight.

It's Like I Shot My Dog

Mike — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 16:47:55 +0000

I just posted Eve on Craigslist. I did consider hanging on to her, but I really have no use for two bikes so there's no sense keeping her in the garage when I should be picking up the Shadow within the next couple days. People often ask me why I gave her a name. They say there is magic in naming things, but in this case it's a bit simpler than that: I did it for safety. Giving the bike a name gives her a personality. Thinking of her in that context, I'm going to take better care of her, and thus will drive a bit safer so I don't wreck her. Not wrecking her means I don't wreck myself. See? Simple. It works the same way with animals. If most people see a random dog wandering the street, they remain nervous or scared. If they later find out it's the neighbor's dog Fido, it becomes a different story. People will kill mice and rats in their house, but if it's their pet rat Richie, he's a cute little member of the family. If Shamu wasn't Shamu, he'd be just another killer whale. Get it? We don't just name these things, we anthropomorphize them. The real power is in the personality, not in the noun. We make objects and animals more human, more like us. As a result, we develop attachments. I know damn well Eve's not a human being, but she's got a personality now. As dumb as it sounds, I felt a little bummed as I took her pictures for the ad. Sure, I'll take the cash and hand over her keys, but I don't have to like it! And that, my friends, is the downside to anthropomorphization.

This Is Just a Test

Mike — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:44:27 +0000

"Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?" I just finished a long night of karate and I'm not sure I'm ever going to stop sweating. It started in class, and it was Sensei's birthday so he decided we'd get in a really good workout and do some sparring. Two and a half hours later, most of us were dripping (especially Sensei, who sparred everyone in class one at a time -- and yes, he kicked my butt). But review is next week, so shortly after I got home I warmed up again, ran two kata, and started in on all of my wazas. I really want to be ready for review next week, so I ran them all normal speed, redid the ones I messed up, then ran them all slow for refinement and muscle memory. So yeah, long night. As I'm cooling down I'm composing this on my iPod touch. I found a WordPress app and so far it's working like a champ (unlike the BlackBerry WP app). Writing in landscape mode on the on-screen keyboard is very quick, especially with the built-in word recognition. Faster even than on my CrackBerry physical keyboard. I really wish either AT&T would fix their coverage out here or that their exclusive contract would end because I'd buy an iPhone in a heartbeat. Evernote and WordPress on this touch could very well become my killer apps. Enough rambling. Time to hit the shower. This weekend is bachelor weekend and I'll need to be well-rested for the carnage.

Best case scenario.

Mike — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:24:46 +0000

Do the Who Now?

Mike — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 19:05:30 +0000

So I'm walking down the hall at work and I hear the custodians are listening to some shitty pop/hip-hop radio station again. (It's usually that or country, so I tend to steer clear of their work zones.) I tend to tune it out, but the name Helen Keller jumped out at me. Did I hear that right? I wondered. Sure enough:

"Shush girl, shut your lips. Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips."

I thought maybe it was a joke, so I punched it into Google and found the complete lyrics to the song "Don't Trust Me" by the band 3OH!3. The Helen Keller? Really, guys? I guess nothing screams sexy like a deaf, dumb and blind woman.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="449" caption="Shotei to the face! How's that one taste, Ike?"][/caption]

I guess nothing screams sexy! like a deaf, dumb and blind woman.

Why no props for Anne Sullivan? If it weren't for Ms Sullivan, Helen Keller would have been the Crazy Cat Lady from the Simpsons, only with worse aim.

Crummy Sequel of Your Modern World

Mike — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 20:24:38 +0000

In today's entry, I learned that a Saudi family is suing a genie that has been harassing them. I honestly don't know where to begin. It's in a Sharia court, so that tells us why the case even made it that far. My next question is how do they prove the genie is there, much less get it to show up? Even better, how would you like to be the guy who gets to deliver the summons? Then, supposing the court even finds in the family's favor, what are they supposed to do about it? Wave a restraining order at it? If it is an all-powerful entity straight out of the Quran, why would it care what a bunch of humans had to say?

[caption id="attachment_3768" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Best case scenario."][/caption] Please, please, please follow up on this story, CNN, because I would love to see where it goes from here.

New Ride

Mike — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 03:18:16 +0000

I rode the new bike home today, and man is she sweet! Eve's a fun little ride in town, but this bike felt far more comfortable on the open road. The throttle response was about the same, but she held her line much better and even the winds from the open fields and from passing semis had little effect on me. The Wife followed me home, and after about 15 miles I was throwing her the horns over my shoulder. This Shadow has a nice, throaty rumble. At 600cc she's far from the biggest and loudest gal on the block, but at 55-65mph she continued to purr right along. Eve's 250cc engine revved high at those speeds, and as such she could be a little hard on the ears (more the pitch than the volume). It's like going from Fran Drescher to Sally Kellerman, something my neighbors will be thankful for when I warm her up in the morning. I haven't named her yet, but that will come soon. As I discussed before, that's something I feel is important. I've got a few candidates (and suddenly Sally is on the list), but none have leaped out at me yet. I'm sure she'll pick one over the next few rides. Pictures to come tomorrow, then I'll shut up about her for a while. Maybe.

Lady in Black

Mike — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 20:31:47 +0000

'03 Honda Shadow Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. Here she is, the lady who's already drawn a few envious stares from folks around the neighborhood. I'm still surprised she's as clean as she is for being six years old, especially since the folks at the bike shop referred to the previous owner as a kid. There's a tiny chip in the paint on the tank and a scuff on the top exhaust pipe, but other than that, she's spotless. I'll be trying to get those touched up before long. I already have a few ride invitations, too. A co-worker has an '03 Shadow 750 ACE, and we plan to ride down to Peoria's Burger Barge in the coming weeks. Another friend has an '07 Shadow, and he told me about a couple of groups he rides with. I'm sure this bike will be much more comfortable on longer runs and able to keep up with a group, so it may be time to give that a shot. Eve, meanwhile, has been doing her own flirting from the front yard. A few have stopped to check her out, and there's been an offer of a trade, but nobody's decided to snap her up yet. The surprising thing is my insurance rates actually go down with a second bike instead of up, so I won't be heartbroken if I have to hang on to her a bit longer.

Karate: Always Moving Forward

Mike — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 17:16:07 +0000

Karate has been quite eventful this summer. Every time I tie on my belt and bow onto the mat, it amazes me how far I've come in the two years I've been studying. Earlier this month, my sensei named me Senpai of our dojo. This is loosely translated as senior student, but when used as a title it is indicative of a mentor relationship, often used in the sense of "older brother." It doesn't change the way I'll train or attend classes, but it's an acknowledgment of my efforts and contributions and I'm honored to have received the title. Now I just have to get used to people calling me that... We also had our annual Break Day last month, where every student gets an opportunity to break a board. This time I chose to try a standing empi (elbow) strike. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Too bad I can't solve problems at work this way"][/caption] Sensei suggested I try one board because I've never done it before, and it was a lot easier than I expected. I also wound up doing it twice because we had trouble with my video camera. Of course by the time I got around to doing it the second time the video camera battery ran out, so I'm stuck with stills for this year. Ah well. In May I was asked to be on another student's attack team for his black belt test. I hear a lot of horror stories about black belt tests at our school, and this will be a good opportunity for me to see one first-hand and get a better idea of what to expect when my turn comes around in a few years. My job is to attack the black belt candidate in his kata, short forms, and self defenses, and while our Sunday workouts are intended to help us all prepare for the test day, they also give me a good chance to polish my own kata and techniques and pick up a few extra insights from the other, more experienced students on the team. These are exciting times for my school, the Academy of Okinawan Karate, as well. They celebrated their 30th anniversary this week, and last night they threw a party. They covered most of one wall with photographs from those three decades, and it was interesting taking in all that history and listening to Shihan Walker's stories behind several of them. It made me realize while I've come a long way, I'm just getting started. When I look forward, I often think about one thing: black belt. This is not uncommon, as it's the first major goal for any karateka. But what happens then? Right now it's like looking into a fog: I know there's more karate for me out there, but I can't be sure of which direction it's headed or what shape it will take. The only thing I'm sure of is I'll keep moving forward.

Hungry Hungry Aliens

Mike — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 21:01:06 +0000

Just a thought I had today: The closest star to our planet is 4.2 light years away. Let's assume life exists there, and they have ships advanced enough to fly ten times the speed of light. That means it would still take them over five months to get here. Even for a four-man (-being?) crew, you're looking at stocking lots of food and water (or equivalent sustenance) for such a long trip, meaning the ship is going to need a sizable cargo hold (whether for stored goods or a garden). Then you need more space for propulsion unit. This rules out the small UFOs most people claim to see as alien in nature. If they traveled through wormholes or jump gates, folded space, or traveled via some other sci-fi cliche, how is it we can spot the energy signatures of gamma-ray bursts in remote galaxies, but not something local to our solar system? Not to mention the time and energy investment involved. They're going to come all that way to buzz an airfield, make crop circles, probe a redneck, and fly home? Yeah. Still not buying it.

Henderson vs Bisping Knockout

Mike — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 02:38:56 +0000

The Violence Inherent in the System

Mike — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 03:01:58 +0000

I'm getting tired of elitist pricks like this guy shitting on mixed martial arts and its fans because somehow MMA is inferior to or is more primitive or brutal than boxing. For starters, his article makes it clear that he has little or no understanding of what's happening within the octagon. If he were a true sports columnist and wanted to objectively cover an emerging sport, he would visit a few gyms and talk to some of the fighters and get an idea of how the various martial arts are used in a fight. He'd get a better feel for the strategy involved and the physical requirements to be a successful fighter. He might also start to understand some of the fighters involved in the sport. Yes, some of them are big, dumb thugs who don't know how (or don't have the ambition) to do anything else, but can any more be said of some of the boxers out there? Some of the fighters are every bit as interested in the sporting aspect of the game, and still others are interested in the martial art side of it, fancying themselves modern day warriors or gladiators. Then there's the blood. Yes, it's messy, but it's a necessary consequence of the game. The fighters need their fingers free for grappling, thus requiring smaller gloves with less padding. Compound that with the (albeit limited) use of elbows and you get cuts. If you stop a fight for every bit of blood, you'd bring every match to a screeching halt. However, if the cuts are too deep or dangerous, the doctors stop the fight. Is that not limit enough? As for the fans and their bloodlust, are you really going to tell me boxing fans are any different? That the Average Joe plunking down his money for a boxing pay per view or arena seat isn't hoping one fighter or the other isn't going to get his brains beaten in? Are you really going to tell me there aren't as many greedy promoters taking advantage of fighters in boxing as there are in MMA? That there aren't as many broken and battered fighters ending their careers after one concussion too many? I have no problem if they want to slam some of the fighters or some aspects of the showmanship. Some of the fighters are going to show poor sportsmanship; that's just human nature. Tyson didn't do his sport any more credit than some of the MMA guys have. The smack talk may get more coverage than it deserves, but that's marketing. The UFC is going after the wrestling audience, and the smack talk is a huge part of the professional wrestling show. Brock Lesnar and his post-fight comments are a great example of this. The guy's a former WWE wrestler, and he sounded like it. Unfortunately this is what gets all the media attention, not all the times guys like Anderson Silva will bow to their opponents in a show of respect, or the times where fighters will raise their opponent's hand after a match or even give them a congratulatory hug. A columnist or sports reporter doesn't like certain aspects of the game? Fine. But don't pick and choose the parts that reinforce your obvious bias. Cover the events for what they are: a sport. If you can still play up baseball as a great American sport after all the athletes who have disgraced it through steroid abuse, there's no reason not to look into why this new sport is growing in popularity and find out what's behind the blood and spectacle that draws the rest of us to it.

The Christening

Mike — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 01:51:38 +0000

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token, And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!' This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!' Merely this and nothing more." -- Edgar Allen Poe, "The Raven" The bike has a name at last: Lenore. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="Making it official"][/caption] The name wasn't on my list of candidates. Instead, like every good name, it just popped into my head and it clicked. (For those of you who missed why a name is important, read this.) Now to finish that cigar (a Romeo y Julieta Reserva Real) and get some writing done.

Teachin' Karate

Mike — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 04:15:13 +0000

I'm leading our class tomorrow as my Sensei will be at another dojo. As such, I've been searching the Intertubes for pointers:

Monkey Steals the Peach

Mike — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 02:17:19 +0000

Monkey See...

Mike — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 04:56:03 +0000

The Midget is back in karate with me. Today I ran the class, and we watched one of our brown belts run the kata bassai dai. It's an advanced kata, and it includes a movement often referred to as "monkey steals the peach." In the attack team I'm on, it's my job to attack the black belt candidate at that very point in the kata, and I pointed this out to the class by saying "and Mr Woodall steals my peaches" at the appropriate point. If you can't picture what peaches the monkey may be stealing, this will give you the idea: [caption id="attachment_3792" align="aligncenter" width="334" caption="Excuse me, Mr Ninja, but I'm not interested in detachable peaches."][/caption] Good thing I wear a cup to karate. Flash forward a few hours. The Wife and I are sitting on the porch. We can hear the kids playing and talking through the living room window, and the Midget decides he's going to make up a kata and teach it to his brother. My feeling is if it keeps him interested in karate, he can make up all the kata he wants. A few minutes later we hear "Okay, this move is called 'monkey steals the peach.'" The Wife and I share a look. All parents know this look; it's the one that says "He wouldn't. He couldn't." But you're both pretty sure he's gonna anyway. A moment later we hear the Squirt: "Aaaa-owwww!!" The Midget reviewed two kata and learned how to run his ippon kumite kata to two directions today, and even got to play with sai and bo in our weapons class. In all he got three full hours of karate, judo and kobudo this morning. What does he take away? The five seconds we spent on the monkey and his frickin' peaches. Figures.

Bumpy Road

Mike — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:40:54 +0000

Good Morning, Gentlemen

Mike — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:44:19 +0000

You're welcome. [caption id="attachment_3795" align="aligncenter" width="460" caption="I said "This is your date for the evening," and then he had a heart attack!"][/caption]

To Rosemont!

Mike — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 03:39:15 +0000

While Peoria endures some hot and wet weather this weekend, I'll be enduring the crowd of hot and sweaty comics fans. Wizard World Chicago starts tomorrow night, and I will of course be there. Unfortunately I once again don't have a table or a convenient way for folks to find me, but I have every confidence this year will be the last time I have that problem so I'm going to take advantage by wandering artists alley and prowling the dealers tables for good deals. I also hope to catch up with a few people and of course grab a meal and a margarita at the Mexican joint down the street. Do try to track me down, though, as I'll have something cool to show off. I'll be riding in with Cullen Bunn on Friday morning, and we'll be shooting out of there early Sunday. I'll be armed with my brand new man purse (ooh ahh) which I plan to stuff with art samples and quarter comics for the Midget and the Squirt. Hmm. I best brave the crowd at Giordano's for pizza, too. Chicago-style stuffed pizza is another impossibility out here, so I'll need to get my fix and hope it holds me until Windy City in September or C2E2 in April.

The Next Generation of Comics Fan

Mike — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 06:02:53 +0000

Little Bird and Owly Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. It's never too young to get them started. This weekend I brought home a copy of Owly: Flying Lessons by Andy Runton for Little Bird. She loves it. I see no reason she shouldn't enjoy comics as much as her big brothers. When they pull out their Marvel Super Hero Squad figures, she immediately latches on to Elektra and She-Hulk. When they put on their Justice League DVDs, she points at Wonder Woman. Yep. A comics fangirl in the making.

Coming Up for Air

Mike — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 03:56:55 +0000

I'm drowning. I've got some kind of cold that's settled into my chest, and it leaves me winded just walking up the stairs. I've been absolutely buried at work, and it's left little time for just about anything else, including writing, which I really, really need to be doing right about now. I've been lugging a printed copy of Time Management for Creative People around in my laptop bag for a few months now. Yesterday I finally pulled it out and sat down to read it over lunch. I learned I'm a huge violator of two of its central tenets: getting organized and not allowing interruptions. One look at either of my desks would be enough to demonstrate I'm not organized. However, I always felt pouncing on those interruption emails (teachers saying "I need this" and "can you do this" for the most part) would be more productive than letting them sit. Instead, it's probably resulting in the backlog of other emails that I've filed away as relating to separate projects. Not to mention it's a dumb idea to use the Inbox as a to-do list anyway: once those emails scroll off the viewing window as new ones roll in, they're long forgotten. So, while I'm trying to kick whatever virus this is, I've gone ninja on my home email inbox. It looked something like this: How many broken limbs did you count? I lost track at a gazillion. The inbox is empty. I can't remember the last time I've seen anything like that. I feel like I'm staring at the trash folder after dumping the contents. It's a small accomplishment, but it feels like progress. Now to regroup for the umpteenth time this year. Wish me luck.

Labor Day

Mike — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 12:37:56 +0000

Today may be a day off work, but I still intend to labor like Hercules, for I am under a deadline. I wrote a chunk of words last night, and it felt great. Then I received a draft of a schedule for the next year and a half from my new publisher, and I can assure you, it's going to be an exciting year. He wants to make us rich, and he's definitely not slouching. My fingers are going to have to fly across the keyboard just to keep up. This isn't a bad thing. I need a kick in the pants every now and then, and this new publisher is good at providing them. While technically still small press, his actions are very much those of a large, professional publishing house. An honest-to-God marketing plan? Who'd have thunk it?! I can't wait to tell you more! Soon, my friends. Soon.

Dokken vs Chicken

Mike — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 20:11:13 +0000

The latest sensation making the Twitter and email rounds:

T-Minus Five Days and Counting

Mike — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 03:17:06 +0000

Checked out Evileye Books lately?

Sheriff Pat York is middle-aged and getting soft in the middle. He's almost ripe for the eating...

Saturday's going to be a big day. I've been sitting on a lot of news for a long time, and it all goes public in five days. If you'll be in the Chicago area Saturday, be sure to drop by Windy City Comicon for a first-hand look! Windy City is the biggest little comic convention in Chicago and should be a blast, even if you're not interested in what I've got to peddle.

A Day of Writing

Mike — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:31:23 +0000

I burned a vacation day today to get some writing done. Deadlines abound, but more importantly I'm excited about what I'm working on and I'm getting more and more frustrated with the day job getting in the way. As I type this, I've already burned through a few hundred words and am taking a quick break. So what's the project, you ask? All shall be revealed soon. Just keep an eye on Evileye Books. Whether you're a fan of my prose, my comics, or both, you're going to be very happy. Today's writing soundtrack: Let's get it on.

Nikyu!

Mike — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 04:05:22 +0000

I finished my sparring requirements this evening and I am officially a Nikyu, or second-degree brown belt, in Shuri-ryu Karate. Next week I'll start learning a new kata called Bassai Dai, and I'll be going through several more requirements for my next few stripes as I work toward Ikkyu, or first-degree brown belt. My goal is to finish that sometime next year. After that comes the long slog toward black belt. That could take anywhere from two to ten years, depending how hard I continue to work. I'm in this for the long haul, though, so I don't see it being a major problem in my karate development. I'm committed to the short end of that scale, with a personal goal of testing for black belt by sometime in 2013. If I'm asked to test earlier, that would be great, but I won't let myself take longer than that. In the meantime I plan to start some Judo work, and finish some of the kobudo (weapons) requirements. Tonight's celebration is short-lived. I have writing to do. Tonight's soundtrack:

Finally Feeling It

Mike — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 16:41:34 +0000

I haven't been this excited about writing in a long time. It's tough to put my finger on why, as I've been working with this same project through most of the summer. I just find myself more motivated to put the time in, and the upside of that is it shows on the page. I'm not going to sit here and claim I'm pumping out Hemingway, but it feels a lot better than how it's been going before. Whatever the reason, it's about freakin' time. Announcements are pending and deadlines are looming. I don't like breaking contracts or personal promises. If it's deadline stress that's motivating me, then next time around I'll have to set shorter deadlines or buy my editors a cattle prod. A huge thanks to those of you who've been waiting for the next big Oliveri project. Tomorrow, things get interesting.

Winter Kill Cover

Mike — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 11:55:18 +0000

Givin' You the Evileye!

Mike — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 15:00:44 +0000

Coming this Halloween:

Starting this Halloween, I will be bringing you both prose and comics from Evileye Books.

I'm about to jump into a convention so this is just a quick drive-by post, but more information will be coming soon!

So Here's the Deal

Mike — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:49:49 +0000

Under my new contract with Evileye Books, I'll be bringing you prose and comics starting with the series The Pack. Book 1, Winter Kill, will be available on the Kindle on Halloween and in trade paperback shortly thereafter. We also have a preview book called Big Bad Wolves, a 12-page prequel comic to Winter Kill, coming out soon. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="The Big Bad Wolves portfolio"][/caption] The interior art and cover image for Big Bad Wolves is by Mike S Henderson. We're shooting for a blended supernatural horror and crime/noir feel for the series, and his use of blacks and shadow really conveyed the tone we wanted. Cover art for Winter Kill and Chimaera is by Dirk Shearer, and he will also be providing scratchboard illustrations for the interior of Winter Kill. Both of these guys have turned in some killer work, and I think you'll be seeing a lot more out of them in the future. Book 2 will be a graphic novel titled Chimaera, and it will be released next year. Exact schedules and plans are being finalized, so stay tuned for more information on that front. Beyond that I'm contracted to write at least one book and one graphic novel per year for Evileye, so this should keep be busy for the foreseeable future. Winter Kill, Chimaera, and the future releases will be stand-alone stories, but the events in each book will be related. The whole series continues with the same characters I established in the miniseries Werewolves: Call of the Wild from Moonstone Books. It's not essential that you've read CotW to read Winter Kill, but if you enjoyed that miniseries I'm sure you will love where I'm taking the characters. Damn it feels good to get this news off my chest. I've been sitting on it a long time, and I've had to keep quiet through many questions of "What's next for you, Mike?" Thanks to everyone for their patience and support so far, and thanks as well to all of you who have already responded to the news with such excitement. This is going to be a wild ride, and I'm thrilled to have you all along!

Smoke Blog: RyJ Reserva Real and Cigar Spike

Mike — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 04:33:25 +0000

This is my first cigar in weeks. I bit the inside of my lip and had a nasty sore, so I've held off on the celebratory cigar for my Evileye Books announcement until I could be sure the smoke wouldn't irritate or infect the wound. Now that it's smoothed over again, I got my ass back out on the front porch and lit up a Romeo y Julieta Reserva Real. It only took a few puffs to remember why it's one of my go-to smokes for casual smoking. I've ranted about the joys of the RyJ plenty of times in the past, though, so this time I thought I'd concentrate on the Cigar Spike I used to pierce the end cap for smoking. I'm normally a punch guy, but in my experience, most of them don't hold an edge and I sometimes feel like I'm about to break the cigar or I'll compress the tobacco near the foot as I'm punching the hole. This is especially a problem when a cigar is a little too moist and the cap doesn't cut as easily. On those occasions I'll turn to a cutter. I can't say I've got much of a preference between the cutter and the punch other than a punch is more convenient to carry (I tend to use the coin pocket in my jeans for my lighter and cutting gear), so it's not a big deal to switch back and forth. However, if the cap isn't fixed properly, they may fall apart. I've also had problems with some cigars crushing before cutting, and often times I'll get bits of tobacco in my mouth. The Cigar Spike promised to solve all of these problems: they're tiny and portable, there's no knife edge to lose sharpness, and because they're pushing a hole into the cap there are no bits of tobacco falling out. I was a bit skeptical, but for three bucks shipped, I decided to give it a shot. A few days later my three Cigar Spikes arrived. They delivered on being tiny and portable. The small piece of smooth plastic fit into my pocket with ease, right up against my lighter. Because it's not metal, there's no danger of it scratching or scuffing my trusty Xikar lighter, either. The point is slightly rounded, so it won't poke anything and there are no worries about it going dull. Time to put it to work. It took no effort to push the Spike through the Reserva Real's cap, which made me happy. No compression or excessive pushing to endanger the draw is a good thing. I took a test draw on the unlit cigar and it felt a little tough, so I pushed the Spike in again to widen the hole (just push in farther and the hole gets wider), then turned it ninety degrees and poked again. I didn't get a plus sign some of the reviews mentioned, just a small, roundish hole a bit smaller than a punch would have made. The next test draw proved smoother and easier. Satisfied that far, I left the punch and cutter inside and went out to light up. I will say the draw with a punch or cutter is a bit looser, but the spiked draw worked just fine. An hour into the cigar I had zero problems with the draw. I tend to bite the end from time to time, though, and a half hour later the draw got tougher. Another quick and effortless poke, though, and the draw was right back to the way it started. All in all, I'm happy with the little guys. I look forward to trying them again with a few more smokes, and I'm going to give one to a local friend, a rookie smoker who just purchased his first box of Avos (after sampling a couple I gave him, natch). I'll let you know how it goes in my next Smoke Blog entry.

The Pack

Mike — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 04:37:46 +0000

FBI training prepared Special Agent Angela Wallace for drug dealers, serial killers, and terrorists, but not this...

The Pack is a new supernatural thriller series to published by Evileye Books, starting with The Pack: Winter Kill, available in both trade paperback and for the Amazon Kindle e-reader. [caption id="attachment_3822" align="aligncenter" width="256" caption="The Pack, Book 1: Winter Kill"][/caption]

For generations, the northern Minnesota mountain region has been a haven for peaceful hikes and breath-taking scenery. But when tourists suddenly turn up dead, FBI special agents Angela Wallace and Brian Shilling are called in to investigate, only to discover that the murders may be part of a deadlier, supernatural mystery.

The Pack series of horror fiction and graphic novels tells the story of the Tylers, a close-knit family trying to deal with their supernatural legacy in an ever-changing world. Winter Kill picks up two years after the events of Werewolves: Call of the Wild, a comic miniseries from Moonstone Books. A prose book, it was released for the Kindle on Halloween and in trade paperback in December.

Click Here to purchase The Pack: Winter Kill Kindle Edition Click Here to purchase The Pack: Winter Kill Trade Paperback Edition Reviews for The Pack: Winter Kill:

In a Manga Mood

Mike — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:50:44 +0000

Ommus and I got to talking about some of the differences between American comics and Japanese manga (comics) a ways back. It started with broad strokes, such as how they can print these fat black & white tomes and sell the shit out of them, and how they enjoy a much more mainstream acceptance than American comics. Then we got to the details: the tones and ink styles, the four-panel grid many of them use, even the formats and layouts of the books themselves. It made me realize I need to pick up some more of this stuff. I've always been a Lone Wolf and Cub Fan, so I picked up some other Kazuo Koike work and started looking at it from a creator's perspective rather than just as a fanboy. I started with Path of the Assassin, and it amazed me how quickly I could burn through such a dense (in terms of page count) book with that four-panel grid. The pace just moves along, and it seems artist Goseki Kojima can pack in much more information without having to rely on splash pages for major scenes or reveals. The grid left him plenty of elbow room to show off his ink lines and rendering. Of course, it also helps that there's a lot of historical detail in this one, and I just eat it right up. I picked up two volumes of Koike's Crying Freeman, too. I enjoyed the first volume, but the second went off the rails. It just got a little too out there. Artist Ryoichi Ikegami breaks the four-panel grid frequently, yet like Path of the Assassin, I ripped through these 300+ page books in no time. Ikegami rendered some great images in brushwork, then transitioned into some straight lines and tones. It makes for a very lush book, despite the lack of color. It stuns me how long some of these series run. I read the first Death Note book and the first few MPD-Psycho volumes, and I liked the way they slowly revealed the layers of their plots without leaving more and more questions behind. Yet if you look at some of these manga series on the shelves, they run for a dozen volumes or more. Something I'll need to explore is whether they concentrate on one long story, similar to the way books like 100 Bullets and Preacher reach a finite end, or if they reboot/relaunch themselves like most of the American superhero books. In any case, they make for entertaining study. There's a reason the Big Bad Wolves preview book is in a four-panel grid, and I can tell you, the artist, Mike S Henderson, loved me for it. Sure, his art boards were the same size, but he was able to lay out and draw the pages a lot faster. I could probably explain why if I were an artist and had the words, so I'll just assume it's because he didn't have to draw as much detail in tinier spaces. At this point, whatever helps an artist move along more quickly is a good thing. It will be fun to see how much reading the manga style and pacing will affect my scripting the next few weeks.

I Had No Idea Where I Put My Wood

Mike — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 11:45:56 +0000

Good morning, Internet! Let's start the day with a little "oops!" humor, shall we?

Your Fugazi Edification

Mike — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:22:51 +0000

I fired off a tweet saying it never hurts to start the day with Fugazi, and enough people said "Fuwhonow?" that I figured I'd post a video. Check out "Waiting Room", one of my favorite songs of theirs. I'm a sucker for a bass line like that. If you'd like to learn a little more about the band itself, check out their Wikipedia entry.

On Human (Marital) Bondage

Mike — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 17:14:39 +0000

This video has a cool little theory on why the wedding ring might be worn on the 4th finger of the hand. It's a simple anatomical analogy, of course, but I thought it was interesting, if a bit sappy. I have to admit, when I started watching I expected a shocker joke in there somewhere.

Elektra Ain't Got Shit On Me

Mike — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 04:40:26 +0000

SanI've learned another sai kata called San Cho Sai. It looks like this: Next week I'll start picking up some of Daredevil's fightin' skills when my school's Black Belt Club works some Escrima techniques. That should be a lot of fun.

NaNoWriMoreThanLikely

Mike — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:09:53 +0000

Next month is National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo), and I've been conned persuaded to try it again. The idea is to write 50,000 words of a new novel. No continuing something that's already been done, no rewriting an older piece. Outlining ahead of time is okay. I've tried it a few times in the past, but November's always been a rough month schedule-wise and I never managed to pull it off. Things are a bit different this year, though. For starters, I've got several friends (including most of the folks attached to Evileye Books) who are going to take a crack at it, so there will be a little more competition and encouragement going around. I'm also coming into the high of Winter Kill's imminent release and I'm feeling the creative rush of preparing for my next projects, both for The Pack and for other works. Finally, it's high time I brought another novel to market. Powerless is... languishing. Maybe it's been sitting in the brain too long, but I've had a tough time getting up the energy to get back to it. I've also lost all confidence that it's any good, but I suspect that's a subjective opinion. I'm not ready to call it dead, but given it's not eligible for NaNoWriMo anyway, I'm going to move on for now. I've got two candidates for NaNoWriMo: Wounded Gods and Sick Day. Wounded Gods may sound familiar to long-time readers, as I first developed it as a comic. After kicking it around a while, I realized it could easily be a prose novel, and the only reason I pitched it as a comic in the first place is I was trying to continue off the launch of Werewolves: Call of the Wild. It's set in the Vietnam War and focuses on the conflict between a couple of soldiers and includes a supernatural element. Sick Day is an idea that hit me over the summer as I read a few crime/thriller novels. I bounced the idea off a friend who digs on that sort of thing, and he gave it two thumbs up. This would be a straight-up thriller, possibly in the vein of what I was doing with Muy Mal and including a hint of the supernatural. Hell, maybe I'll even set it in Port Ransom. The advantage of Wounded Gods is it's already plotted. I wrote a first-issue script and outlined the remainder of the mini-series, so it wouldn't be tough to start fresh with prose and cruise along. Sick Day is still little more than a general idea, but given the concept, it could be a lot of fun to write. Decisions, decisions... I've got two weeks to figure it out, and maybe to take some more notes. I also have an OGN script to deliver and a book to proof. Best get crackin'.

HWA Pack Ad

Mike — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 13:21:55 +0000

Advertising Kick-Off

Mike — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 13:39:52 +0000

Evileye is going to be launching their advertising campaign soon. I think this is the first time I've had an actual marketing campaign attached to anything I've done before. Here's a look at one of our first ads: Obviously I've done my own self promotions before, but this time there's a budget beyond the moths flying out of my wallet. Exciting stuff. Fire-and-forget is a combat system, not a marketing campaign. Many small presses are content to post their work to genre bookstores or direct market catalogs and hope for the best, but the problem with that is they're only selling to the same small base of customers over and over. Sure, landing an Amazon listing gets you widely available, but now the people have to find you on Amazon, and a link from your own website just isn't going to cut it. A direct market catalog may hit every store in the country, but when that catalog is an inch thick and you're on a tiny fraction of a page for one month, it's hard to stand out. Hell, I've even heard stories about hardcore fans of certain properties who had no idea some books or comics about said properties existed. If your biggest fans aren't finding you, something is seriously wrong with the way you're doing business. (It also doesn't help when the direct market is letting you down by not filling your fans' orders, but that's a rant for another post.) So yeah, I'm thrilled Winter Kill will be available on the Kindle, in trade paperback on Amazon, and even in bookstores (we're working on it). The book is written and Evileye has their distribution ducks in a row. Now the hard work of selling it begins.

A Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead

Mike — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 01:47:49 +0000

I love a good mash-up. "Legendary music! Gripping terror!" Very well done.

Throwdown 3

Mike — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:56:14 +0000

The Main Event! Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri. I attended Throwdown 3 Saturday night, a mixed martial arts event in East Peoria featuring 20 fights. This time I had a seat at a VIP table, putting me just ten or fifteen feet back from the octagon. What a blast! I took a handful of pics with my cell phone (I should really try to bring a real camera next time), and the one above came from the main event. They had some technical difficulties and their sound system made it tough to catch all the fighters' names, but there were some great fights as the night rolled on. Most ended in submission or TKO, but a couple went the distance and there was one solid knockout. A local fighter named Derrick Noble refereed some of the matches, and having fought in the UFC and other events, he was a little more forgiving in matches that went to the ground than the other refs. In the two female bouts, an obvious local favorite named Kathy Snell won her match with an armbar and improved her record to 3-0. We recognized a few other fighters from the last event, but again couldn't hear all their names. The earlier fights seemed to be the most inexperienced fighters. Some of them looked like young teenagers, and a few didn't even look like they were in any shape to fight. I realize we're not talking UFC-level professionals here, but these guys looked like the promoter recruited them out of the parking lot at random. One guy didn't even protect his face, and at one point he looked over at his corner and ended up catching a thrust kick to the gut. We couldn't believe it, as we even teach our white belts to never take their eyes off their opponent! I give them credit for having the sack to get in there, but I have to wonder, how many of them walked out realizing this isn't where they belong? Better they find out in the ring with a ref and paramedics on hand than in their buddy's back yard, too. All in all a great night. I'm already looking forward to Throwdown 4. With luck they'll put together some fliers with the fighters' names, weight classes, and styles then, too.

View of the Future

Mike — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 04:54:15 +0000

Wind Farm Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri I drive past this wind farm when I visit my folks in Indiana, and every time I see it I get just a little jealous. There are three separate wind farms in the works around here, but every one of them is under fire from locals who don't want anything to do with them. I've ranted about these people several times in the past so I won't get into all that, but something I wish they would do is drive out to a wind farm and actually take a look. Are you seeing a ruined view? I'm not seeing much of a view to ruin, to be honest. Seems to me the turbines are creating a view. One local calls them "monuments to stupidity," but to me they're a sign of the future, of an effort to increase our energy capacity and cut costs as well as put less garbage into the atmosphere. Not to mention they bring bucks to the local economy. Indiana can't put them up fast enough, and counties around us are also putting them in. Ours has been in limbo for about three years. I just don't get it. They can't hold out forever, though. The farmers are willing to sign over the land, the schools want the money, the county needs the money, and if the utility company doesn't get it installed now, they'll come back in a few years when there's a new county board in place. It's not like the wind's going anywhere. Until then I'll just have to be patient.

Book Signing Postcard - Front

Mike — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:01:04 +0000

Because There's Nothing Else to Do

Mike — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:12:03 +0000

I haven't heard this cover of "Common People" since I saw Shatner and Joe Jackson perform it on one of the late shows a few years back. Yesterday I caught it from the beginning on Sirius, and it's been rolling through my head ever since. It's not brilliance by any means, but there's something catchy about it and I like the way Shatner's spoken-word delivery mingles with Jackson's singing in the second half. Enjoy.

Hitting the Road!

Mike — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:53:04 +0000

A tour? Really? Yes, really. I'll be taking Winter Kill on the road in December and January, and here's a glimpse of one side of the postcard Evileye Books will be sending out to support one of the events:

It's still a bit early to announce specific locations, but I'll give you a hint: I'll be spending a weekend in warmer weather come January. The book isn't even out yet, but I'm already excited. Brian, Coop, Mikey, and I did a brief tour back in 2002 to support 4x4, but this will be a little bigger and will be the first time I tour to support a solo project. The logistics will be a handful, but I enjoy getting out there to promote my books. I've been way too quiet the last couple of years, so it's time for a change. Of course, I'll probably have to stock up on vitamin C and Germ-X, and pack my trusty neti pot. All that plane time with the seasonal and swine flus spreading around could get messy!

Werewolves on Film

Mike — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:49:12 +0000

It's tough to make werewolves look good on screen. It's hard to find two movies who take the same approach, and their appearance can range from cute & cuddly to mean & scary. Personally, I much prefer the make-up effects over CGI, especially when the latter makes them look like cartoons or teddy bears. There's a tangible quality to the makeup effects that CGI just can't capture. It's not always done well (I think the Underworld werewolves always look a bit ugly, almost unfinished), but even then they come across as scarier. Especially when they include blood effects, which always seems to be lacking in the CGI versions. I poked around on YouTube a bit this evening, and I found this compilation video that has several examples: I recognize most of them, but there are several unaccounted for. I'm also a fan of the slower transformation scenes versus the instant wolf-out we see in movies like Van Helsing. The transformation scenes are a big part of the genre, and there's just something visceral about them compared to the changes occurring in the blink of an eye. Sure, a werewolf can't exactly break off from a fight to get his wolf on, and on the other side of the coin we get artificial suspense when there's another character standing there and screaming in disbelief as they watch a werewolf slowly change shape, but it comes with the territory. I'm not all that excited about the next Twilight flick, but I'm glad to see the werewolves are making the commercials (even if they are CGI). The new The Wolfman trailer, on the other hand, looks fantastic. Between the two, we get both styles of transformation (instant and progressive), and we get two styles of werewolf (straight wolf and what appears to be an upgrade to the hairy guy with teeth). I hope both of the movies do well, because I dig werewolves and I'd like to see them become the next big thing, trumping vampires and zombies as the monster of the moment. Sure, I'm pimping a werewolf series, but at the same time, I think werewolves are due. There's plenty of room for all the werewolves out there. Now that I'm in the mood, I think I'm going to go crack open the new John Farris book, High Bloods. The simple cover design caught my eye on Borders, and it's been a long time since I've read a werewolf book. I just wish he didn't call them Lycans...

This Movie is Made of Awesome

Mike — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:22:08 +0000

Samurai and ninja in the future? HELLS YES. The Cup of Tears film trailer from Gary Shore on Vimeo. Now I'm going to be walking around with an erection all day.

A Little Photography

Mike — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 04:45:41 +0000

I've finally managed to put the camera to use a little more in the last month or so. Most of it has been event or family photography rather than the creative photography I've been intending to do all year, but at least I got out and put my rig to use. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="The Power Team Demo"][/caption] Sometimes my 50mm prime lens is worth its weight in gold. I shot this in a high school gymnasium without flash, and I was very happy with the results. The Power Team put on a brief strength demo for our students, so I brought my camera along to see what I could capture. I sat in the bleachers with my son, and you can see more pictures from the event here. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="New nikyus run the Tsue Sho bo kata"][/caption] I probably should have stuck with that lens for this second shot, taken at the last graduation night at the Academy of Okinawan Karate. My friend Toby Matthieu (on the right) was promoted to nikyu, or second degree brown belt, and demonstrated the Tsue Sho bo kata. I used the regular 18-55mm lens that came with the camera and an external flash, and with the action shots spent a little too much time going back and forth between setting up for lowlight action and for the flash (and consequently had some trouble with white balance in the set). I could have solved the white balance issue by shooting RAW, but I didn't have the space on the card that night so put it off for another time when I can do some experimentation on practice shots. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="A Bald Eagle from the Columbia Park Zoo"][/caption] My family visited the Columbia Park Zoo in Lafayette, Indiana, in September, and I captured this picture of one of their two eagles. This was also taken with the basic kit lens, but the outdoor environment really helped. It still amazes me how much more detail this camera/lens combo captures over my old 4MP PowerShot G2. I just wish I could have avoided the soft blur on the right edge, but that's the result of shooting through a narrow viewing window cut into the enclosure's fence. (I'm also fortunate the glass or plastic in that viewing window didn't obscure the shot.) My only concern with these is in the full size, the focus is just a bit soft. My tripod has a removable monopod, so next time I may bring that out and start putting it to use, see if I can't sharpen things up. I'm very happy with these for the most part, but I think it's time to start stepping up my game.

Winter Kill Now LIVE for the Kindle!

Mike — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:25:08 +0000

That's right, folks! If you've got a Kindle or the Kindle app for the iPhone or PC, you can purchase my book Winter Kill starting today! Just follow this link.

If this is the first you're hearing about this, Winter Kill is book one in my new series The Pack published by Evileye Books. Download it. Read it. Love it! Even if you're not quite ready to pull the trigger, remember, you can get the first taste for free! Just have Amazon send the sample to your Kindle device or app and start reading. I've already pulled it through to the Kindle app on my iPod touch, and I'm surprised how clean things look. Evileye's e-book architects did a great job on the presentation. If you'd rather have a hard copy of the book, however, your wait won't be long. We'll have a trade paperback out by the end of the year, and we'll even be supporting it with a tour. Keep an eye on my appearances page or this blog for updates.

Alas, Poor Keene

Mike — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:44:53 +0000

A while back, several of us killed Jack Haringa. Today it's Brian Keene's turn. As before, if you like these little stories, please consider a donation to the Shirley Jackson Awards. Midlist horror writer found dead at Poe's grave BALTIMORE - 10/31/09 Writer Brian Keene was found dead near midnight Saturday night near Poe's grave, having been stabbed 37 times by members of a local street gang. Notes from Keene's blog and Twitter account say he was in Baltimore doing research for an upcoming book called Gonzo Zombie, inspired by his literary hero, Hunter S Thompson. Witnesses reported seeing Keene near the cemetery at sundown wearing a slouch hat, sunglasses, and chewing a cigarette holder. "I thought he was just another trick or treater," said Aria Sanchez, a resident of the neighborhood. "Then he started grabbing people and demanding to see Omar, whoever the hell that is." The commotion drew the attention of several large young men from the neighborhood. Sanchez says Keene then shouted "This is bat country!" and hurled an empty bottle of Knob Creek at one of them. They took this as a racial epithet, and several of the men drew knives. This is when Keene pulled out a large-caliber handgun and started shooting. In his inebriated state, Keene managed to shoot holes in several gravestones but missed the young men completely. Most witnesses scattered as the fight began. "My clients are innocent," said James P Harding, the alleged assailants' court-appointed defense attorney. "I have every confidence the court will find they acted in self defense." Statements filed by the youths paint the rest of the picture of the evening: after Keene ran out of bullets, he hopped onto Poe's grave, shouting "I am the magus!" and babbling incoherently. William Saunders, one of the young men facing charges, said "an electric crackle" ran through the air, and then the ground started to shake. The sound of fists pounding at the interior of nearby crypt doors rang out all around them. Fearing for their lives, the young men attacked Keene and fled the scene. Police continue to investigate the crime. Article Comments "Man, Keene was a gravy train on biscuit wheels. Guess that's over now." -- Don D'Auria "W00t! He was writing another zombie novel! Maybe Oliveri will finish it for him! They collaborated a lot!" -- ZombieSlayer

"hells yeah!!1! zombies rule, werewolves drool! suck it, olizieri!" -- ObLover2247

"Now my copy of 4x4 will be worth millions! Thanks, failed inner city social programs!" -- Jim Thurmond

"Just announced! Delirium Books just found 100 lost copies of 4x4! Visit Horror Mall for details!" -- Shane Staley

"Jesus H Christ in a chicken basket!" -- Geoff Cooper

"It's a hoax I tell you! Keene staged his own death! Just like the Beetles and the White Album!" -- Sharon from York

"The Magus lives! Zombies are forever!" -- KeeneFan

"ZOMG! Keene IS a zombie now!!!1!!ELEVENTY!!" -- KeeneWORSHIPPER

"He was a hack." -- KoontzFan

"Eat a dick, KoontzFan! Keene wrote circles around your boy!" -- KeeneWORSHIPPER

"He was suppressing the genre! Good riddance!" -- Shockliner42

"Please. This is just Keene pulling another publicity stunt and now he can reveal he really was Adam Senft all along. I've drawn up a careful timeline of the lives of these two public figures, and can show you exactly where their paths intersect and how Senft is pulling the strings of a greater conspiracy to leverage horror to spread the word of Ob to the world. These Ob Gospels will bring about the end of the world and thrust as all deep into the Labyrinth. Let me just figure out how to work my scanner and I'll post it." -- Truth Finder "Does anyone have his wife's email addy? I'd love to have his copy of Long Lost Friend so I can ensure he'll still be the guest of honor at our convention next year." -- Anonymous

"Not if I get to it first! KeeneCon 3 at the HuntsVille Marriot, coming next Spring!" -- HorrorFind.com

The Great Twitter Winter Kill Giveaway

Mike — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:49:32 +0000

My publisher, Evileye Books, will be giving away 10 free, signed copies of the pending paperback edition of The Pack: Winter Kill to Twitter followers! The rules are simple: 1) Follow @evileyebooks and @mikeoliveri on Twitter. 2) Announce to your own followers that Winter Kill is now available, with a link to www.evileyebooks.com. Be sure to mention @evileyebooks so we can track your entry! 3) The 10 people with the most mentions by tomorrow (Friday, Nov 6th) at Midnight central time will win a copy of the book. It's that simple! Evileye will tally the results and contact the winners. Void where prohibited and other legal mumbo-jumbo. Thanks, and good luck!

The Pack: Winter Kill Audio Excerpt

Mike — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:54:30 +0000

Evileye Books dropped a pleasant surprise on me today, an audio excerpt of one of the chapters of The Pack: Winter Kill. Just drop on by their website, www.evileyebooks.com, and it will start to play automatically. Cool stuff. For those of you who jumped in on the Twitter contest last week, thanks! The publisher will be announcing the winners on Monday. We got a good response from it, and I greatly appreciate the boost in links! Good luck to everyone.

Procrastination As Process

Mike — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 05:18:04 +0000

I've got a confession to make: I haven't written a word in several days. I've got a bad habit of only writing in a linear fashion. In other words, I write chapter 1, then chapter 2, then chapter 3, and so on. I just can't get myself to jump around, even if I have an outline, because I'll add detail and come up with some new ideas on the fly. This means more rewriting on the back end, or worse, scrapping chapters. As a result I tend to sit around and mull things over, maybe scribble in the notebook a bit, and generally wait until a solution hits me. The current example of this is Chimaera, the first graphic novel in the The Pack series. I have to write a monster attack scene, and it just felt flat. I needed an angle, something to spice it up and give a little more information to the reader without cluttering things up with extraneous captions or rambling dialog. Then I brushed my teeth. I stared at myself in the mirror, thought about the scene, thought "no, that sucks," a couple times. Then BOOM!, the scene hit me. Now I'm excited about it, and not just churning out filler to get to the next scene. It tends to happen this way a lot for me. Maybe procrastination is just part of my process. The benefit is it saves me some rewriting, and it helps ensure my first drafts are not far off from my second or final drafts. It also means I rarely have to scrap already-written pages, which I absolutely hate having to do. Excising filler is one thing, but abandoning passages because I sabotaged myself just kills me. The downside is it slows me down. Sure, I can bust out several pages at a stretch when I'm on, but that procrastination means less time at the keyboard and fewer of those stretches. That's just deadly if I were doing this full time. My friends writing for a living don't have the luxury of waiting for scenes to come to them. If they sat around with their thumbs in their asses, they'd quickly starve to death. It's a habit I'm going to have to break if I want to make a living at this myself. And finishing Chimaera instead of rambling here is probably a good start, no? Later.

TPB Cover - 3D Rendered

Mike — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:05:18 +0000

Twitter Contest Winners Announced

Mike — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 20:08:50 +0000

Evileye Books has announced the winners of the The Pack: Winter Kill Twitter contest they ran last week, and due to ties, they've decided to award books to 18 winners! The following Twitter users should contact Evileye via direct message to @evileyebooks or should email thepack@evileyebooks.com. Put your Twitter username in the subject line and your address in the body. The winners are: @Monrozombi @JohnUrbancik @DavidAPrice @VanHalen1970 @TriumphCIO @Greyhawk68 @Wolfnoma @BrianKeene @JasonCopland @ThomasBahn @uberguineapig @BobFord @Locnar1970 @NewTrendsCigars @Cairnwood @Dathar @CullenBunn @Crazy_apps What'd they win? Check it out:

Maiden's The Trooper on the Harp

Mike — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 16:04:44 +0000

This guy does an amazing translation of Iron Maiden's "The Trooper" to the harp: For comparison, the original:

Back to the Pod

Mike — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:35:52 +0000

I did an interview last week on Mark Justice's Pod of Horror, which should be available in the next week or so. I discuss The Pack: Winter Kill with Mark, and Evileye Books is providing an audio excerpt to go with the interview. I haven't been on the show since Werewolves: Call of the Wild came out a few years back, so it was good to talk to Mark again. Keep an eye out for it! I'm also confident the trade paperback edition of The Pack: Winter Kill will be out by the end of this month! The publisher is waiting on the latest galley from the printer this week, and assuming all is well, we'll be ready to rock and roll. I know that's what many of you have been waiting for, and I can't wait until it starts arriving in your hands. Hell, I can't wait until it arrives in my hands. It's cool being on the Kindle and all, but seeing my name listed on a website just isn't the same as opening up that first box of books and laying eyes on them for the first time. It's also tough to sign a Kindle edition. It's fun having folks ask me to sign copies of my books at conventions, and I can't imagine anyone wanting me to take a Sharpie to the back of their Kindle. Meanwhile, Chimaera is moving forward, and the next prose book is taking shape in my head. Onward and upward.

Itching to Ride

Mike — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 06:20:32 +0000

I think the motorcycle obsession has finally taken hold. Every time I pass Lenore in the garage, I feel the urge to fire her up. Wet, cold Illinois weather is not always conducive to riding, however, especially for a relative rookie. I can't tell you how jealous I am right now of friends like Weston Ochse, Nate Southard, and Paul Legerski, who all live in comfortable riding weather year-round. Note I qualified that as comfortable riding weather. If I have to dress up in layers of clothing just to get on two wheels, that's just not a good trade-off to me because lugging and stowing all that extra gear would be a pain in the ass. Right now the idea is to explore my limits of comfortable. After an unusually cold Halloween, we're now getting a bit of an Indian summer. Last weekend the temps crept up to the low 60s, so Saturday morning I zipped up my leather jacket (probably the first time I actually unsnapped and closed the lapels), busted out the leather riding gloves for the first time since my riding class, and rode Lenore out to breakfast and then to karate class. It was probably around 50 when I took off, and a stiff wind blew across the fields. I thought I'd feel most of it in my legs, but as it turned out the worst was a cold spot along my jawline. The wind came right in under the rim of my helmet, concentrated on that one spot, and after just a few minutes it started to sting. The few minutes of irritation was worth it come that afternoon, though, as temps climbed up to 68 and I spent a little more time on the road. We should be seeing mid fifties and sunshine this week, so I ordered myself a simple balaclava to keep the wind off my neck and jaw. Another rider friend, Eric Masek, rides all the way down into the 40s, so I'm going to give that a shot as long as it stays dry enough. I spotted a pair of fleece-lined, Kevlar riding jeans that may help keep me on the bike longer, too (I've never been a big fan of long johns, but I suppose that's an option I should consider). Meanwhile, I've got another reason to be jealous of Nate: he just picked up a Harley-Davidson Iron 883 Sportster he's dubbed The Late Late Show. I wasn't particularly taken with the Iron 883 after seeing it on TV and in magazines, but then I spotted one in a parking lot in Peoria and it got me drooling. That black denim paint and blacked-out engine looks much sharper in person, and I've been eyeballing them ever since. I think Nate also made the right move adding the forward controls, and those ape hangers look damn good on his bike. Like I said: jealous. Of course, now I see Honda is putting out the Shadow Phantom for 2010. With its blacked-out engine and $7999 price point, I'm guessing it's a direct competitor to the Iron 883, and will add to Honda's "Honda-Davidson" rep. It's got a smaller engine but already has the forward controls and it has glossy black paint instead of the matte black the Harley sports. That's not to say I'm in a hurry to ditch Lenore anytime soon. The last thing I need is another payment right now, and Lenore is a solid, comfortable ride. I have a few more customizations in mind for her, too, including a set of crash bars for that inevitable day she goes down on her side. In the meantime it's fun to drool while I get this weather thing figured out.

It Ain't for the Money

Mike — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:40:00 +0000

It's amusing when people think I'm sitting on a secret fortune after they find out I do a little writing on the side. Or they think someone like Brian Keene or Tom Piccirilli are making money hand over fist because they've got several novels available. The reality is most writers don't make a lot of money. Sure, some luck into Hollywood cash or a mega-hit series like Twilight, but even bestsellers are far from guaranteed riches. Now one writer has proven that by posting her royalty statements. She sold over 47,000 copies, which sounds exciting. However, for all that, she's made a little over $30,000. Sounds like a lot, but if that was the only book she put out that year, she's earning the equivalent of about $15.00 an hour (and she still needs to pay her own taxes on that $30k). Even worse, she hasn't earned out her $50k advance at that point, which means she faces the possibility her publisher will dump her. It's more like being fired than getting laid off, as the next publisher may look at her numbers and not want to take the risk on her. The inevitable next question is "Then why do you do it?" The easy answer is because we like it. Some writers like to tell you they have to, but I'm not going to get all metaphysical on you. The plain truth is I enjoy the process of writing, I enjoy the business of it, and call it ego, but I like the idea of people being entertained by something I've written. Yes, the financial realities make it impossible to go full time at the moment, but I'd love to be at that point sometime. I don't need to get rich doing it, but I'd be content to do it as a job. It sure beats solving others' computer headaches all day every day.

Roll with the Sons

Mike — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:22:39 +0000

I've been digging the cover of "John the Revelator" off the Sons of Anarchy soundtrack. Today I broke down and ordered the first of two SoA EPs which includes "John" and the full version of the SoA theme song, "This Life". If you were a fan of shows like The Shield and you're not watching Sons of Anarchy, you really are doing yourself a disservice.

No Nookie for You

Mike — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 07:35:09 +0000

I went into a Barnes & Noble this evening and spotted stacks of Nook eReader pamphlets at the information desk and near the registers. I picked one up and an employee was all too eager to tell me more about it. There's just one problem: the Nook is already sold out through the end of the year. Not too bad for a product that, by some accounts, should be dead before it even launched. I should probably qualify that statement. The people I run into who claim the e-book "fad" won't last are all bibliophiles. They don't just read books, they collect them. I will readily admit that I'm as much a collector -- or at least an accumulator -- of bits of dead trees stamped with ink and glued/sewn together myself, so I don't fault them for it. However, it doesn't take a big brain to figure out e-books are here to stay. Amazon and Barnes & Noble are playing their cards close to the vest, so it's tough to say how many units they've actually sold. However, with every major publisher and many smaller presses on the bandwagon, it's tough to believe they aren't doing well. Keep in mind, the Nook not only sold out before the holidays, but it sold out in pre-order. They have yet to get a physical unit into anyone's hands, including reviewers', and they've still sold every unit scheduled to ship out of the factory. That's the kind of scenario every business dreams of. The bibliophiles may dismiss electronic books, and the e-readers may have their shortcomings for the moment, but it amazes me the variety of demographic I've seen for these things. Technophiles are among the first in line, of course, but I've also seen some other writers and book lovers toting them around. I know of schools buying units for classrooms, including elementary grades. There are colleges putting them in the hands of incoming students. At work, we've got a retired teacher who can't say enough about her Kindle, and she can barely negotiate her way around the Windows desktop. She subbed in our junior high building one day and had all of the other teachers drooling over her shiny white e-reader in its little leather folder. My wife and my mom both tear through novels and could care less what happens to the actual books after they read them. They're both waiting to see if and how Amazon responds to the Nook's color LCD, and they'll both most likely own one or the other sometime next year. E-books are a win-win for voracious readers. They can carry most of their library with them, and they get instant gratification when searching for a title. If they get 100 pages into a book and decide it's garbage, with just a couple of clicks they're reading a different book, even if they're sitting in the park or riding on a bus or train. I hear the bibliophiles complain about battery life issues, but I have yet to hear a Kindle owner offer up any real complaints about it beyond "Eh, I'll plug it in when I get home." From a writer's perspective, why ignore them? I've talked to a couple of guys now who could care less if their books are on the Kindle because they think e-books won't last (see bibliophiles above). Okay, let's say Amazon sold 50,000 units. I have no idea how close or far from reality that is, but it's a nice, round number. That's 50,000 people who are going to visit a dedicated store that will be stocking your book. You don't have to sweat which chains are in their neighborhood and whether or not their local store is stocking your book. You don't have to worry about whether or not they shop at a local indie store that may or may not have ever heard of your or have shelf space for your book. Yes, you still have to make these 50,000 people aware of your book, but isn't that better than having to make them aware of the book and having to make an effort to get it stocked? What makes the book more likely for them to stumble upon: Amazon's Recommended, Also Bought, and Also Browsed links and thumbnails, or your book sitting spine-out among a sea of other spine-out books? Even if only 1% of those 50,000 people read the kind of material you produce, you've just made your book easier to find with zero effort. Sure, it's still supplemental at this point, and I realize the overwhelming majority of readers are still purchasing dead trees. The Barnes & Noble was packed tonight, and obviously they weren't buying Nooks and e-books. That's why The Pack: Winter Kill will have both a Kindle Edition and the imminent trade paperback edition. It's not smart to ignore the e-book market, but it's suicidal to ignore the dead tree markets. Will that hold true in five years, though? Or ten? When they get the technology behind a vibrant color display with the same battery life as the existing grayscale displays and the costs start coming down, I imagine a lot of trees will be breathing a deep sigh of relief. Hmm... I wonder if the Sierra Club has made that connection yet?

The Nutshot

Mike — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:25:13 +0000

You're no doubt familiar with rochambeau, aka rock-paper-scissors, but how about roshambo? The concept is simple: two pinheads kick each other in the nuts until one gives up. Yes, kids really are that stupid. Looking at the bright side, though, at least they're taking their genes out of the pool. They may even have a career in entertainment ahead of them:

Pod of Horror Interview Now Live

Mike — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:31:44 +0000

The interview I did with Mark Justice for Pod of Horror is now live! We spent a few minutes discussing The Pack: Winter Kill, Evileye Books, and the future of the series, and Evileye also sent Mark an audio reading of a chapter from the book. Give it a listen! http://www.horrorworld.org/poh.htm

The Amish Twist

Mike — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:00:07 +0000

I stumbled into a showing of Violent Saturday on TCM last night, a bank heist flick starring Victor Mature, Lee Marvin and Ernest Borgnine, and quickly got sucked in. There's not a lot of action until you get to the actual robbery, but it does a great job of setting up tension by introducing relationships between many of the characters in and around the bank incident. It does have some 1950s film artifacts like the entire subplot involving the Martin boy's fight with his best friend and the way the parents handle it (which, incidentally, sets up the climax), but it's still a good flick. The neat twist to me was the inclusion of the Amish farm family. The Amish show up from time to time throughout the movie, and we soon learn the bank robbers' escape is going to be via an Amish farm. What happens there really helps make the movie work, and adds a nice twist to your standard bank caper flick. This YouTube clip is pretty much the climax of the flick, so yeah, major spoilage if you haven't seen the movie and are compelled to check it out in its entirety. If you'd just like to see the final showdown and what happens with Ernest Borgnine's Amish father character, then here you go: It is handled very simply and you don't see character development or progress taking him to this point, but hey, you can't have it all. The characters, in fact, are the real key to this movie. We don't get a ton of depth with any of them, but given the physical action doesn't kick off until the final act, the characters are all that keep us watching. Without them, there'd be no reason to watch anything but the clip above, and that would be the real crime.

Let Dinosaurs Die

Mike — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 21:23:49 +0000

The Postal Service is in big trouble. The quantity of mail they push through is dropping like a rock, and they're bleeding cash. They now owe the government over $10 billion dollars and it's only going to get worse. It's not hard to figure out why: they're facing the double whammy of the Internet (email replacing letters) and private shipping companies (UPS, FedEx) taking away their freight business. That's called progress and capitalism. I have to wonder if this mean their time is over. Like some of the larger corporations receiving bailout funds, shouldn't we be thinking about whether it's time to let them die? Or at least face a reduction in services? Yes, I realize there are a lot of people out there who still rely on the Postal Service. I have two thoughts on that: 1) The Postal Service should not be obligated to provide the same level of service. The article discusses cutting Saturday delivery, but why stop there? Cut certain areas to three days a week. I can't imagine receiving anything so time-sensitive that a couple of days would make a difference, and in those instances, the recipient should probably think about using UPS, FedEx, or paying the USPS to rush it anyway. If the USPS is bleeding cash and can't support the existing services, it's time to slash those services. 2) Instead of giving a dying institution $10.2 billion dollars when it's only going to delay the inevitable, spend that $10.2 billion on investing in ways to get the people still relying on the service a new way to receive their communication. Broadband penetration in the United States sucks. If the bulk of the mail going through the USPS is catalogs/junkmail and credit card bills, then why bother? Every one of those services can deliver their communications electronically, and in fact, most actively encourage it so they can save money themselves. Sink that $10.2 million into expanding broadband offerings to these hole-in-the-wall areas and you can replace most, if not all, of the USPS services. What a waste. The government calls it a loan, but the taxpayers will never see a penny of that money coming back without drastic changes. What's more, we're going to face costs beyond just another penny or two on the cost of stamps. Consider the junkmail companies. Like spammers, they have to flood the mail system with their catalogs because the return rate is very small. When the shipping costs go up for all that bulk, they have two choices: reduce the quantity or raise their product costs. They're not going to reduce quantity because that reduces volume. Yet in either case, they're looking at a hit on their margins (less sales or more postage), so they raise the prices of their goods. A five-dollar tchotchke now becomes a seven-dollar tchotchke. Not much on a single item, but when folks start doing their Christmas shopping for friends & family, they're suddenly wondering why they spent so much more than the previous year. Now look at the credit card companies. Right now, my banks are begging me to go to electronic billing. I get notices with my bills, I get special offers via email, and they push it on me every time I log on to check balances or pay the bill. This is huge for them because it saves them a bundle of cash. However, there will be a limit. They're going to get to the point it's cost-prohibitive for them to keep sending out all that mail, and with sign-ups for electronic billing leveling off, they're going to need a way to recover that cost (because let's face it, they're not swell guys willing to take a hit for the big company). How do they make their money? Interest rates. Even if they just start at two or three percent, that's going to add up across the months and years most Americans are carrying balances for. But when's the last time one of your banks stopped at 2 or 3 percent? The same goes for utilities. I can pay all of my bills online, and I'm sure they'd be happy to email me my bills. They may not be able to hit us with interest, but they have lots of fun little surcharges like "delivery charges" they can pad out as needed. I can already hear people whining: "But Mike, my 88-year-old grandma lives out in the middle of Alaska isolated from civilization and she has no idea how to use a computer!" Okay, so we should spend $10.2 billion dollars to make sure she still gets her Victoria's Secret catalogs? I don't think so. Assuming Granny can't adapt to using a computer, I'm sure she'll adapt just fine to getting her mail just a couple of days a week instead of Monday through Saturday. I'm not going to get into the economics and politics of bailing out the banks and the car companies being "too big to fail," but it doesn't take a genius to see the Postal Service is on life support. It's time to beef up alternatives before we're forced to pull the plug.

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Metal

Mike — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 20:00:40 +0000

An odd -- yet cool -- cover of "Scarborough Fair" by Queensryche. Not one I expected at all.

Scar Wars

Mike — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 00:14:20 +0000

I'm ripping this off from Topless Robot, but it's so cool I had to share it here:

Tryppin' Out

Mike — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 03:20:12 +0000

I've got turkey in my belly and tryptophan in my blood stream. Filled in the cracks with pumpkin pie and ice cream. It doesn't get much better than this. I think Thanksgiving is made for laziness. This year my old man's been buying a bunch of flicks from the previously-viewed bin at his local Blockbuster, flicks I was half interested in seeing but not worth going out of my way to catch at the theater, so I've suctioned my ass to the couch to watch some of them. So far it's been Dragon Wars, Max Payne, and right now Bangkok Dangerous (American version), with some James Bond marathon action from the SyFy Channel in between. Might squeeze in Babylon A.D. before the night is out, too. B movies are great: the kids can make all kinds of noise and it doesn't matter because I'm just in it for the action. It hasn't been a complete lazy day, though. This morning I got up and hit the next day in the 100 Pushups program. May as well take advantage of the protein in the turkey I'd be sucking down, and do something to offset the calories I'd be slurping up. I gave some thought to a karate workout, but then my brother rang the breakfast bell. My family makes some killer cheesy eggs, and the Wife brought Amish cinnamon bread, so my stomach trumped my sense of fitness. No writing yet, but I've got the laptop at hand and the kids have stopped climbing on me. I'll probably tap on this script a bit before I crash for the night. We've got another lazy day lined up tomorrow, which I intend to take advantage of and get this thing as close to finished as possible. If things go according to plan, I'll be able to turn in a first draft by Sunday night and prepare for another project. In the meantime, back to the flick. Nicolas Cage is shooting people.

Tour Plans

Mike — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 05:37:12 +0000

The mini tour to promote The Pack: Winter Kill is taking shape. So far I've confirmed stops for January in California, Indiana, and Missouri, and we'll be announcing them soon. Not much love from my home state of Illinois just yet. Evileye Books and I are flirting with a couple of shops, but so far it's looking like the first real opportunity to push locally will be the Chicago Comics & Entertainment Expo in April. I'm kicking around the idea of heading out east for some signings, too. It's far from firm, but if things move forward, I would be aiming for summer or fall. There are a couple of conventions I've had my eye on out that way, and maybe I can work something around one of them. As for the book itself, we're getting closer. We're still working on a final fix with the printers, then we'll be ready to rock 'n' roll. I'm still confident we'll have books in our hot little hands in December, including the copies won by folks participating in the Twitter contest a couple weeks back. The Missouri leg of the tour will be the Visioncon convention in Springfield in January. The rest of the dates and locations will be announced when we announce the paperbacks are available. Soon, my friends! Very soon!

Extreme Arm Wrestling

Mike — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:17:28 +0000

No, really, it's out there: I saw this on a Cracked article and couldn't believe it really existed, but there are several related videos featuring the same thing on YouTube. I can understand boxing and MMA, but why make such an arbitrary mix as arm wrestling? I suspect this is a product of a brainstorming session involving a handful of thugs and a few bottles of whiskey. "Hey Bob, I have an idea! Let's chain ourselves to this table and punch each others' brains in!" "Duuuuude! You're a genius!" Are knock-outs and submissions in the cage not enough? What makes this so much more exciting to watch? What makes it so much more exciting to compete in? How big do your balls have to be to want to compete in this? That's probably the key right there. When you're dealing with the three Bs of combat sports -- brains, brawn, balls -- it's only the balls that matter. They may as well start televising roshambo.

Fat Guy in a Little Gi

Mike — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 21:16:10 +0000

All in all, I'm in good health. I'd like my cardio to improve, but I'm ahead of many people my age and most people my weight. Despite a family history of diabetes and high blood pressure, my blood sugar has been consistently good and my blood pressure has dropped from borderline to just a tick above normal (for systolic, anyway) in the last couple of years. Cholesterol has been a tricky animal, but it's under control. I take 20mg of a statin every night, and while my HDL is three points low, everything else is aces. I think part of the problem was the glucosamine chondroitin I was taking for my joints, but I've been seeing many reports about it elevating cholesterol and I stopped taking it the same time I started on the statin. Boom, my cholesterol dropped like a rock. (The studies may show the cholesterol isn't going up, but I suspect it's at least causing false positives.) The only nagging problem I have is my weight. Now, to be fair, I'm still forty pounds lighter than I was in 2005. I also don't put any stock in body mass index (but of course my doctor does because my insurer does), and I've never been the "ideal weight" for my height, even when people would have called me thin. As such, I don't put a lot of stock in the actual number. However, I do concern myself with the extra padding I have around my gut, my sides, and my thighs. It's not so much a vanity thing (though I'll admit, there's some of that there) as it is a concern that this extra weight is starting to affect my knees and is generally slowing me down. When I spar, for example, I don't think I'm getting beaten on skill, I think many of my opponents are simply faster. Blowing a knee isn't going to do me any favors, either, and I don't need this extra padding contributing to other health problems in the future. My weight has been relatively static for the past couple of years. Here's a picture of me from January 2008: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="475" caption="Wow. It's tough to look at myself in a blue belt now that I wear brown."][/caption] I should take a new picture for comparison, but really, it wouldn't look much different. A year later I weighed seven pounds more, and today I weigh eight pounds more. That's a small fluctuation given my weight, and I've been stuck right within that range. I credited some 2008 weight loss to running, when I dropped down even lower than where I was above. I gained a few pounds back when I stopped running over the winter, but then I ran at least as often this year with no effect. I've tweaked my diet a bit, but perhaps not enough. One speculation is I've swapped heavier muscle for fat, but my pants still fit the same so I don't think it's that simple this time. I think it's time to change up the home workouts, get in some more cardio/aerobic exercise. That's very easy to do with karate, switching over to bag work (I bought the damn thing I may as well get back to using it) and sparring drills on top of kata and wazas. Not to mention I need to start practicing my ju ju undo (free exercise) to music, which I need to do at least once to get to ikkyu (first degree brown belt). In fact, it's probably time to revamp the whole after-work routine. I've got a few ideas here that involve both karate workouts and writing. I'll have to ponder it some before I move on to next year's goals. Meanwhile, it's also time to take a harder look at my meals, both content and portion. I'll get started right after the family goes out for Chinese tonight...

Koshiki Match

Mike — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 05:25:14 +0000

Koshiki Match Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri The Academy of Okinawan Karate held its Winter Tournament on Saturday. I only managed to capture a few pictures and videos, but I sat on a lot of panels as a judge. That was an interesting experience in itself. I'm waiting for YouTube to process the first video and I have a few more to put together and upload, but I wanted to post this picture quick. This is a koshiki match, which is fighting in armor. With heads, torsos, and groins protected, this is a full contact sparring match. Here Jason has just scored a point punching Josh in the face. This is the second time I've seen a match, and it's interesting stuff. It's probably the only way to put one's karate to the test without showing up for work the next day looking like an extra from the set of Fight Club. I'd like to try it myself sometime, but I think my speed is still a bit slow in our regular sparring matches and I wonder if I should work on that first. I have more power than most of the students I spar with regularly, and I'm not sure it evens things out here or not. It's something I'm going to have to talk to my instructors about.

Listen in on Diabolical Radio Tonight

Mike — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 15:26:32 +0000

Tonight at 11pm Eastern I'll be one of several guests on Diabolical Radio discussing author Richard Laymon. Their call-in number is (646) 652-4625 if you would like to join in or ask questions. If you've never read Laymon before, I highly recommend you check out his book Savage. One of my favorite books in any genre, I often describe it as The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn for the horror genre.

Signing Announcement: Borderlands Books

Mike — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 06:15:01 +0000

I'm pleased to announce I'll be returning to San Francisco, California to sign at Borderlands Books on Sunday, January 17th, at 3:00pm! Come on out and pick up your copy of The Pack: Winter Kill and feel free to bring along anything else you may have of mine while you're at it. I haven't been out there since the 4x4 signing back in 2002, and I don't think I've seen Alan, Jude, Jeremy, or the rest of the crew since World Horror 2003. Yikes! Way too long. I can't wait to see the cafe Alan just added to the place. Borderlands is the second stop on the trip, and the others will be announced soon. Evileye Books wants to make sure we have the books in place before announcing the signings, but Borderlands slipped me into their newsletter so I'm happy to continue the announcement here. The good news is today Evileye has worked through some printing issues with the printer, so we'll be good to go! As soon as they give me the high sign that the rest of the minitour dates will have stock, I'll announce them as well. If you're in San Francisco, please stop on by and say hey! Borderlands is a great little shop and if you're not shopping there already, you're doing yourself a disservice. They fill orders by mail as well if you're looking to get your hands on a signed copy but can't make it to the store.

X-pack-Winter-Kill-tour-logo

Mike — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 21:10:53 +0000

The Pack Unleashed Tour 2010

Mike — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 21:31:42 +0000

The official tour dates for my book The Pack: Winter Kill from Evileye Books is as follows:

CARMEL, IN - Barnes & Noble - Friday, January 8th, 7pm BURBANK, CA - Dark Delicacies Bookstore - Saturday, January 16th, 2pm SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Borderlands Books - Sunday, January 17th, 3pm SPRINGFIELD, MO - VisionCon, Clarion Hotel - January 22nd-24th

Books are confirmed, so we're ready to roll! Mark your calendars, I hope to see a lot of you these trips.

The Pack: Winter Kill TPB Available on Amazon!

Mike — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:56:30 +0000

The trade paperback of The Pack: Winter Kill is officially in stock at Amazon! Order your copy today! Order Link: The Pack: Winter Kill (Volume 1)

Cutting Avatar in Half

Mike — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:42:05 +0000

I've been reading a lot about how long Avatar is and how its cliché plot drags it down. It occurs to me, though, that it would be easy to cut it in half. The main character's real body sits in a container as he controls his Na'vi avatar, yes? It's obvious from the trailer that he goes native, sides with the Na'vi, and does battle against his old commander, right? One would assume, then, at some point the human soldiers and scientists start to figure out they've lost our hero to the bad guys. At that point, would it not make sense to open up his container and shoot his real body in the face? Or at the very least just unplug him and court martial him. Either way, done, movie over. Hopefully Cameron's thought that one out and has an answer for it, however contrived. Then again, Tolkien never figured it out, either. Witness the short version of The Lord of the Rings:

The Pack Unleashed Tour -- Special Guests!

Mike — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 06:25:01 +0000

Just announced! Both Brian Keene (The Rising, Urban Gothic) and J.F. Gonzalez (Survivor, Primitive) will be joining me on the California leg of my The Pack Unleashed Tour. Déjà vu? [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Ack! Look at that gut! Right before I started karate."][/caption] Well, not really. Jesus (far right) mainly joined us to hang out at this signing at Comix Connection, and Coop (seated) won't be coming to Cali, but we're looking forward to hitting the road together. We've been friends for a while, and I've collaborated with both of them in the past. My collaboration with Brian, "To Fight With Monsters" (4x4), has long been unavailable, but you can still get your hands on the novella "Restore From Backup" by Jesus and I. Come on out and see us at the following locations:

Burbank: Dark Delicacies Bookstore, January 16th, 2pm San Francisco: Borderlands Books, January 17th, 3pm

January's going to be a busy month for The Pack, but I'm excited to get out there and promote my work again. I'll sign whatever you have, but please do support these stores while you're there and pick up a book or two.

Look for additional signing locations in the coming weeks.

FAQ

Mike — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 21:46:42 +0000

This page will be very organic, growing and changing as needed. Anything not covered? Email me. Q: How can I get my books signed? A: The easiest way is to show up at one of my appearances. I'll be happy to sign whatever you have, but please do check the venue's rules first. For example, if a bookstore requires you to purchase a book if you want something signed, I will always defer to my host's rules. Q: Can I mail you books for signatures? A: I'd prefer you didn't, if only because this often results in lost and damaged books and I cannot and will not assume responsibility if a more valuable earlier work of mine such as 4x4 is mangled by the post office. Q: Can I mail you [books|cigars|cookies|manuscripts]? A: Gifts are always cool. However, unsolicited/unexpected manuscripts, stories, etc., will be discarded unread. I'll be happy to take published works, but be warned, my reading habits are both picky and slow, and I may not get around to it in a timely manner if you're hoping for feedback. Food, unfortunately, will be discarded uneaten as well. Cigars are cool, exploding cigars not so much. Risking felony charges from the post office for a gag exploding cigar is probably not worth it. Q: Someone sent Brian Keene a dead bird. Can I send you one, too? A: Please don't. Q: Okay, cool. I'm not a douche and I want to send you something cool, or I'm Old School and prefer to correspond by snail mail. What address should I use? A: Mike Oliveri, PO Box 282, Eureka, IL 61530.

Sparring in Armor (Video)

Mike — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 04:11:37 +0000

I posted a picture of two students of the Academy of Okinawan Karate competing in a koshiki (sparring in armor) match last week, and I have the video up now, too: I've since learned the competitors hold their punches to the head back just a bit to cut down on neck injuries and limit the brain bouncing around in the skull. There are also breathing holes on the mask that can be like a cheese grater on knuckles if the competitor isn't careful. The chest protectors, however, prevent any penetrating attacks, such as those from a kick, and spare the competitors any real injuries. I'm thinking I'll earn my first degree brown belt, then start looking into these other options. I'm not going to say it looks like fun, but it does look like something I should try at least once. If I'm learning to throw all these punches and kicks, it only makes sense to get a feel for them at full speed, not to mention get more of a sense of what they're going to feel like. In our normal point sparring matches, most impacts are light and unintentional. I don't foresee myself posting my first couple of matches, though. Heh.

I think I can I think I can I think I can...

Mike — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 15:16:22 +0000

Sometimes it's nice to have a positive reminder. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="500" caption="Maybe I just don't suck hard enough?"][/caption]

They're Building Tanks

Mike — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 20:36:00 +0000

Scientists have spotted octopi carting coconut halves around and using them to hide in, or to protect themselves from predators: You may think this is cute and all, but think about it: they're building tanks. This is prototype armor for the oceanic invasion. When Mother Earth gets sick of us screwing with her, her aquatic minions will come fully armored for battle. When the sharks and giant squid figure out armor, we're hosed.

Bassai Dai

Mike — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 03:48:31 +0000

For once I can show you an exact kata I've learned. At the last Academy of Okinawan Karate graduation, one of the guys I worked out with on a black belt attack team, Tim Mangan, was promoted to Ikkyu, or first-degree brown belt. As a Nikyu (second-degree brown belt), we learn the kata Bassai Dai, also called the Breaking Through the Fortress form. I've seen several interpretations of this kata, but this is Bassai Dai as I've learned it. One of these days I'll try to get in front of the camera myself. Making Ikkyu myself is my main goal for next year. In our style, Ikkyu is the last step before black belt. I'll learn two more kata and a handful of new techniques, and I'll bust my ass until Shihan Walker decides I'm ready to test for black belt. One step at a time, though. Next up is learning the full interpretation of Bassai Dai.

The Pack: So Far, So Good

Mike — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:34:25 +0000

It's not been a bad first week for The Pack: Winter Kill. Evileye Books tell me our new ads have pushed a lot of traffic, and our Amazon rank jumped into a respectable range for a brand new small press book from a brand new publisher. It's tapered off a bit now, but that's hardly surprising given we're getting right up on Christmas. Evileye has also announced the next member of the family, Cullen Bunn. The writer of Oni's The Damned has teamed up with Shawn Lee to create the apocalyptic fantasy series Raze. Like The Pack, Raze will feature both prose work and graphic novels and will launch with webcomics early in 2010. Check out some early teaser artwork by Jeff Wamester on the Evileye Books site. That's not all Evileye has up their sleeve. If you have a copy of TP:WK, flip to the last couple of pages and you'll see a list of titles to be announced soon. They've done a great job recruiting talent and picking up properties, and I'm looking forward to these books every bit as much as you will be. (That said, Evileye can still use some artists -- check out Evileye's contact page for more info.) As for The Pack, I'll be turning in the latest version of the first graphic novel, Chimaera, shortly, and then I'll get to work on the next prose book. It doesn't have a title yet, but it will be a thriller with a supernatural horror element, just like Winter Kill. I think you're going to dig it.

East Peoria Festival of Lights

Mike — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 21:30:14 +0000

We took the kids out to see East Peoria's annual Festival of Lights, a drive-through holiday display featuring parade floats of various items made up of Christmas lights. We keep hearing how nice it is, and we have several friends who go every year, so we finally took the time to head out there ourselves. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="The original Enterprise in Lights"][/caption] I took the opportunity to test my camera on the lights, too. I've got a fast (f/1.8) 50mm prime lens and it did a great job capturing the wireframes. The Wife and I actually passed the camera back and forth as there were displays on both sides, and we caught a number of decent pics. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Easily the kids' favorite display"][/caption] Next year I'll have to work up a way to keep the camera a little more still. We had to keep moving in the line, and every so often I'd be not quite stopped when the Wife snapped off a shot, or I just couldn't get the camera still enough for certain shutter speeds. I'm thinking I'll leave the side doors open in the van and use a tripod or monopod to go back and forth for the various shots. Weather permitting, of course. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="One of a handful of dinosaurs in the display."][/caption] In general, the camera performed very well. I like that prime lens more and more every time I use it. You can find the rest of the pics in the set here.

Big Box O' Books

Mike — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:35:34 +0000

My first big shipment of The Pack: Winter Kill copies have arrived. Let me tell ya, the thrill of opening a box of my own books doesn't fade. This batch is all spoken for, with copies destined for the Twitter contest winners and the bookstores on the signing tour. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="They even have that new book smell!"][/caption] I'll be signing a bunch of them over Christmas. I'll call that a gift to myself. I still enjoy signing books because it means I'm working. I'll be handing everything off to my publisher this weekend, so the Twitter winners will receive their copies shortly after that. The rest I'll be seeing again in California at Dark Delicacies and Borderlands Books.

Turn Me Into Pencils

Mike — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 04:51:04 +0000

When I die, I want my cremains turned into pencils. I don't want the urn, though. I'd like the Wife to divvy up the pencils, maybe keep a few for herself, but distribute the rest to my kids and my friends. I want my kids to use them in the future, to create with them. I want guys like Brian, John, Cullen, and Ommus to jot in their notebooks with them. I want Russ to pencil his artwork and draw character sketches with them. What better way to live forever than to be a part of their work?

I Want My Comics To Do This

Mike — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 00:28:23 +0000

Check out this Sports Illustrated example of what a magazine could look like on a tablet computer like the rumored Apple tablet/Slate/iPad/übergadget: I would love to have a platform like this to work with comics. Not necessarily as a replacement for floppies, but imagine the extras you can pack in to a graphic novel, comics anthology, or even a complete set (or subset) of a given publisher's weekly comics. Here are a few ideas off the top of my head:

Animated sequences or alternate paths/endings (think Choose Your Own Adventure)
Swipe-through pin-up galleries (with more pin-ups)
Bring back the letters page with more complete fan-generated content like videos
Bonus content such as creator profiles with video and/or audio & photos
Bonus story content like character profiles, references to previous issues, histories, games, etc.
Behind-the-scenes content such as pencils, inks, and other "process" features
Dynamic layout control (think different ways to lead a reader's eye through the story)
Zoomable panels/pages for "hidden" content, such as clues, gags, or Easter eggs
Moveable POVs and changing perspectives within a panel (including using this as a method to lead the reader through the story)
Word balloon and caption toggling (instant silent comic, whether for the story or to savor the artwork)
Grabbing pages, panels, splashes, etc., as screensavers and wallpapers for the reader device or other devices owned by the reader
Premium editions that might be ad-free, or feature separate bonus content

Whatever the final content included, the key is the publishers and creators are no longer limited to page counts and printing costs, and in many cases, margins won't be sacrificed to distributors and to shipping costs. Instead, more of the start-up money goes where it belongs: into content creation. Under the traditional publishing model, the creators get a small slice of the pie, which is a shame given the content they create is what generates the sales in the first place. As for distributing this new content, there are plenty of options. Guys like Robot Comics are already doing exciting things on the small-screen digital market, but a "full-size", dedicated e-reader opens up many more possibilities. Content subscriptions could be pushed out just as magazines and newspapers are with the Kindle. Intermediaries like iVerse and comiXology can handle indirect distribution, and larger publishers can probably host items directly (not to mention make use of the iPhone App Store, Amazon, and Barnes & Noble's online store). Where does that leave comic shops, you ask? I hear you, I'd hate to see my favorite shops like Amazing Fantasy, Graham Crackers, Darktower, and Comix Connection take a nosedive, too. For starters, they've got a while before they have to sweat because print's probably not going anywhere any time soon. Despite the success of the Kindle and the sudden proliferation of e-readers, we're not seeing any decrease in the appearance of print books, are we? Digital distribution may finally have put a dent in music CD sales, but we're certainly not seeing empty CD racks at Best Buy and Borders. Retailers still sell the hell out of DVDs, and while most games are available digitally, we're not seeing the game shops in a panic yet. There's also no reason the shops couldn't help distribute the digital content, just like Barnes & Nobel plans to do with the Nook at its brick & mortar stores. Even if digital distribution did put a major dent in the print sales, there's still going to be a niche market for print (think of all the people still seeking out 8 tracks, and the recent resurgence in vinyl interest). Purists will pay a premium for print, and this is where your signed, limited editions come in. Include color plates, hand-written material, and so on, and you've got a product fans will seek. An increase in margin would help offset the loss in volume, and still bring people in for the rest of the stuff. Which brings us to the next item: merchandising. Fans are going to need a place to pick up t-shirts, action figures, and other tchotchkes the content tends to generate. Finally, and most importantly, there's the cultural connection. The best comic shops have a reason for people to show up there and talk comics, including signings and special events like 24 Hour Comics Day. They host gaming tournaments, or they play host to podcasters and media folks like Darktower hosts the Around Comics guys. The cooler publishers and creators will play it smart, using comic shops to host launch parties and similar celebrations, simultaneously pleasing their fans and supporting the shops. Is it all that easy? Hell, I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud here, but it would be a shame to have these shiny new toys and still see publishers just handing us the same static content and 22-page story fragments.

Kindle in the House

Mike — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 04:16:20 +0000

I bought the Wife a Kindle for Christmas. She's only had it in her hands for about an hour, but she's already fallen in love with it. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="And she's downloaded my stuff already, of course!"][/caption] I debated waiting, but with reviews iffy on the Nook and both the Wife and I already hooked into Amazon, it made sense to go ahead and pull the trigger. I think the only thing that may trump the Kindle at this point would be the much-rumored Apple tablet/iSlate, but I seriously doubt the price point will be as low as the Kindle's. There's a good chance I'd be able to purchase a tablet/iSlate at work for evaluation anyway. I think my wife will be a good test of the true usability of the device. She's not tech stupid by any stretch, but she's also not a tech enthusiast. Technology is a tool to her, nothing more, and if it's a pain in the ass to use, she's not going to mess with it. She's also a voracious reader who will sometimes go back and re-read books simply because she hasn't had time to visit a bookstore or hasn't bothered to place an Amazon order. She reads on the couch, at the kitchen table, and in bed, so she'll test it in a variety of environments. Her initial reactions have been favorable. She'd only seen the Sony reader's screen in the past, and she immediately noticed the Kindle's has better contrast and faster response times. She's found the interface intuitive, she hasn't once come to me to help her find or do something, and she's already downloaded two books (including The Pack: Winter Kill, of course) and explored how bookmarking works. In fact, she's been coming up with potential problems and has been attacking them, only to discover the folks at Amazon have already anticipated these problems. She probably knows more about the Kindle than I do at this point. Next we'll see how she feels about it after using it for a couple of weeks.

The Pack: Winter Kill, Chapter 43

Mike — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 06:02:04 +0000

Breaking the Silence

Mike — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 06:15:07 +0000

I seem to have fallen silent for a little while. What better way to break it than with an audio reading of a selection from The Pack: Winter Kill? Check out the dulcet tones of Mr. A.N. Ommus of Evileye Books: The Pack: Winter Kill, Chapter 43 Enjoy!

Year of the Wolf

Mike — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 05:32:29 +0000

Vampires and zombies have had their due. Welcome to the Year of the Wolf. A little movie called The Wolfman is part of that feeling, and it doesn't hurt that some of you watched a werewolf square off against some sparkling vampires in another little movie called New Moon, but this will be the year I feel like I can really contribute something to my favorite monster. For starters, I'm taking The Pack: Winter Kill on the road starting this month. We've had our first contest, and reviewers will be receiving copies of the book soon. Next up, you'll start seeing Chimaera, the first The Pack comic from Evileye Books. The script is turned in, we'll have an artist soon, and then we'll get rolling on production. It's a little early to discuss the firm plans, but I'll just say you will likely see content sooner than you think. Later this year we'll be releasing the second The Pack prose book, which I'm working on but do not yet have a title for. I can tell you, though, that if you enjoy Winter Kill, you're going to dig the next book. It's going to have the same mix of crime thriller and supernatural horror. Once I'm done writing the second prose book, I'll get right to work on the second graphic novel. It may not see print before the end of the year (unfortunately the comics production side takes a lot longer than the prose side), but I should be able to bring you some teasers and production work to drool on. And if all goes well, we'll have a few other surprises for you, too! As always, stay tuned to this blog for more information. These are exciting times, my friends, and it's going to be a big year. Thanks to everyone who's supported the book already, and thanks in advance to those of you who will be discovering the book and the series soon.

Metalocalypse is F'n Metal

Mike — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 06:10:55 +0000

I don't watch Metalocalypse regularly, but this weekend I took the time to watch the Season 1 DVDs a friend let me borrow, and it gave me a chance to see one of my favorite episodes again. That episode featured a video by a terminally-ill little girl, dedicated to one of the band's guitarists. All kids' shows should look like this. And when they make the reveal after the video? Classic. Incidentally, this is also the episode that prompted the Wife to ban me from watching the show when the rugrats were around.

MMAke Me Laugh

Mike — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 00:03:39 +0000

The UFC made this video called Randy Couture Divorce Attorney for one of their award shows, and it's worth a laugh: Of course, this was intentionally funny. Another MMA artifact I can't help but laugh at is this Bas Rutten commercial the Cartoon Network has been running to remind kids to wash their hands to knock out germs: I think the best part about the the commercial is Bas isn't necessarily putting on much of an act! Check out this cut of his self defense training video: Ba-dangada-dangada, the man's insane! But in a fun way. Please don't beat me up, Bas. I catch you on Inside MMA all the time.

Planning the Year's Writing

Mike — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 05:42:44 +0000

Braving the Illinois Tundra Originally uploaded by MikeOliveri I had a snow day today, and I decided it would be a good time to sit down and evaluate what kind of writing I have ahead of me for 2010. For starters, the follow-up to The Pack: Winter Kill will be due. I'll need to turn in an outline soon so my editor at Evileye Books knows what's coming, then I'll get into the writing itself. I realized today that I have four short stories to write, too. Three of them are by invitation, and the fourth is part of a group project some friends and I are kicking around. It's been a while since I've had to do much with short stories, so it feels strange to suddenly have them in demand. I did write one short story last year, also by invitation, and this week I heard I should be seeing a contract on it shortly and the book should go to print by the end of the year. I've had a glimpse at the list of contributors, and I'm happy to say I'm in good company on this one. I look forward to telling you more. Also due this year will be the second graphic novel in the The Pack series. As I mentioned last week, the new version of the first graphic novel, Chimaera, has been turned in to the publisher. By the time I finish the second prose book, it'll be time to dig right into the second OGN script. Which still leaves me with Powerless, the novel I've been sitting on for a few years now, and Sick Day, another novel that's been rolling around in my head for a few months. They're unfortunately sitting on a back burner because they're not under contract, but if I can get my act together I may still be able to squeeze them in by the end of the year. The way things are going out there, we're shaping up for another snow day tomorrow. The biggest problem we have out here is the wind. The IDOT crews, by policy, don't clear the entire road, but even when they do manage some progress, the winds coming across the empty fields undoes their work. Even if they can keep up with the main roads, the country roads tend to stay nasty, which means the school buses can't get around, so school gets closed for the day. I'm not going to complain. It's just more time to get real work done.

Sometimes You Gotta (NSFW)

Mike — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 20:26:21 +0000

Word on the Internets is two of my friends have never heard of W.A.S.P., much less heard their infamous track "Animal (Fuck Like a Beast)". While I wouldn't count the band amongst my favorites, you have to have heard this song at least once, especially if you're a fan at all of hard rock or metal. Enjoy. It's also been a running joke between myself and some of my fellow karate students that I'd use this song when I have to do ju ju undo (free exercise) to music. The joke being I have to go out and perform some karate with music playing, and chances are there will be kids and their parents around. I'd bet the instant the first "fuck like a beast" lyric hits, I catch a roundhouse to the head, and thus endeth my review process.

The Pack Contest: Tell Us What You Think and Win!

Mike — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 02:58:35 +0000

Alright, folks. The response went so well for the Twitter contest a few weeks back that we've decided to throw out another contest. The prize this time? A copy of the limited edition, signed and numbered hardcover edition of The Pack: Winter Kill! Here's the scoop: The first 200 people to post reviews or blurbs on the Amazon page for The Pack: Winter Kill by January 15th will have their names thrown into a hat for the drawing. The winner's name will be drawn and announced on January 18th. Favorable reviews would be appreciated, of course, but we do want honest, credible reviews. In other words, we want to know what you really think, not bring the wrath of the almighty Amazon down on our heads for abusing the system. And by the way, void where prohibited, no animals will be harmed in the making of this contest, and insert your various and sundry legalese right here. After you've posted, send along your name and mailing address (as well as your Amazon alias, if applicable) to pack@evileyebooks.com. Email will be accepted through midnight central on Friday, January 15th. Come back here the 18th to see who won. Good luck and get reading!

Photo Friday: Snow

Mike — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 04:50:56 +0000

Last year, the goal was to do more with photography. Oops. So this year I figure I best start strong. Rather than messing with a focused theme like 52 Weeks or joining another group, I dreamed up Photo Friday. Every Friday, I'll post a picture or two of whatever strikes me at the time. To get rolling, I took the camera outside to see what I could do with snow. I came back with two pics. First, I visited the motorcycle in the garage. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="Soon, my sweet. Soon."][/caption] In all honesty, while the snow was blowing outside, it wasn't the whiteout you see here. However, the overexposure of the background created a nice deception that I felt worked for the picture. The real trick was keeping our low garage door and the kids' toys and our van outside of the frame. (Side note: get a load of the custom floor for Lenore to park on. This keeps the salt and snow off her tires and kickstand. Do I pamper her or what?) That done, I walked into the back yard. We have some nice, high drifts, but nothing that made for a particularly interesting picture. The snow on the picnic tables showed just how much we received, but it wouldn't be particularly impressive to anyone living in the frozen North. Then I spotted the kids' swings, complete with contoured snow in the seats, swaying gently in the wind.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Won't you play with me?"][/caption] They just seemed so abandoned, so I pushed through the drifts and snapped away.

The Photo Friday moniker has a nice, alliterative feel to it, and Friday gives me plenty of time during the week to get my pictures taken. Only one problem: the next two Fridays, I'll be out of town doing some book signings and hitting a convention. As a result, I may cheat a little and post on Thursday night. Or Monday. Or something.

I'm sure you'll be able to handle it.

A Visit to the Overlook Hotel

Mike — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 00:57:44 +0000

Way back in 2003, the Wife and I were in Denver and we took a side trip to visit Tom Piccirilli and Michelle Scalise. We got together in Estes Park, where Michelle took us on a brief tour of the Stanley Hotel, made infamous for its role in the creation of Stephen King's The Shining. King named his version of the hotel The Overlook, and it later appeared in the TV miniseries version of The Shining. It's a cool place, and while it's not near as remote as it appears in The Shining, once you get up to the hotel itself you can't shake the creepy vibe the fictional history lends it. As we were walking out, I ran out onto the edge of a walkway out front and snapped a couple pictures of the front of the place, including Tom, Michelle, the Wife, and the Midget (barely a toddler at the time) coming toward me. I caught a few that I thought looked great, including one I thought would make a nice picture for the office. The sun wasn't quite in the right place and the focus on the family & friends could have been better (it was just a simple point-and-shoot camera), but it was mine and I was happy with it. Then I promptly lost the picture. I was juggling systems and hard drives at the same time, I procrastinated making prints, and before long the pictures disappeared. I was fairly certain I screwed up and deleted one of my backups that may have included those pics, and I figured that was that. Flash forward five years. I'm digging through a box of junk and I find a CD labeled "laptop backup" and dated back to '04. It had pictures on it, so I imported them to iPhoto. Over time I've been going through and sorting them out, tagging them, and so on, when I stumbled across a picture of the elk from Colorado. Dare I hope? I scrolled through the pics and boom! Found her: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Guests check in... but they don't check out!"][/caption] It made my day. I hate losing pictures, but I missed this one and I have no idea when I'll be able to get out to visit Colorado again. Even if I did go out there and reproduce it with better light and my new camera, it wouldn't have the same magic attached to it. I still procrastinated on buying a print, but believe me, I've got backups! Now that I'm getting ready to send Tom a copy of my book, I thought he and Michelle would like a copy of the picture. This morning I uploaded it to Flickr, ordered a copy, and the Wife picked it up while she was out grocery shopping. I finally have a hardcopy in my hot little hands. Of course I forgot to tell her to pick up a picture frame, so now it'll probably get buried on my desk and collect dust for another year or two.

Review: Daybreakers

Mike — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 03:35:55 +0000

Daybreakers isn't a wonderful movie, but I enjoyed it and I give the writers credit for bringing something new to vampire mythos. It's also nice to see scary vampires coming back, with the viciousness and bloodthirst. The way they degenerate into the almost Nosferatu type with an absence of blood is a fun twist, and the occasional exploding body is a nice bonus. Spoiler warnings from here out. All in all, the movie felt to me like the writers had a series in mind, something to spread out across two or three flicks,b ut the financiers were only willing to give them one flick. The action feels very condensed, with events that could easily kill a half hour or so playing out in the span of one scene. There are characters who are introduced but get very little screen time, characters who change switch personalities on a dime, and the ending is left open enough it could easily bring a sequel. The most blatant example of this is Bromley's (Sam Neill) daughter. We get a quick explanation that they've become estranged because she was scared when he turned into a vampire, and she's later captured by the vampire soldiers who hunt humans. He forcibly turns her, she goes feral, and he leaves her to be executed with the rest of the blood-crazed vampires they call subsiders. It seems like her storyline is supposed to demonstrate how bad a guy Bromley is, but it plays out so quickly we really don't feel for her. Part of the action takes place at a senator's place, and this senator helps the humans stay hidden from the vampires. However, we get none of his motivation or background, he's little more than a convenience. When he dies, it's little more than an afterthought on either side. His work to get the humans set up and keep them human, not to mention his conflict against the other senators and/or Bromley's company, could easily have played out over the course of the film. Same goes for Edward Dalton's (Ethan Hawke) brother. The two of them play opposite sides, with Dalton trying to find a blood substitute to spare humans and his brother, Frankie (Michael Dorman), dedicated to hunting down all the humans so they don't run out of blood. There's no other explanation for it than Frankie's claim that he's "good at it," and when he's cured at the end, he simply changes his attitude and moves on. No conflict, no (demonstrated) growth or change, just a flipped switch in his head. There's more, but you get the idea. Again, it just strikes me they had a lot more material than they needed, possibly from squeezing two longer scripts (or perhaps a longer novel) down to about 90 minutes. They could have trimmed some of this without it making much difference, and given us a little more detail for what's left. Question is, would it have improved the movie? Hard to say. I did enjoy it, but I didn't walk out excited about it, or even looking forward to the telegraphed sequel. The whole cure thing is a bit iffy, but it makes sense in the context of this particular flick and at least it's something different. On the plus side, there's some good action, and the viciousness of the vampires is a lot of fun. There's plenty of blood for fans of same, and the writers (Michael & Peter Spierig, also the directors) give us a very stylish flick that touches on all the standard vampire tropes without resorting to cheese. If you're a horror fan, especially a vampire fan, give it a shot. I don't think you'll regret it.

Cheap Thrills

Mike — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:05:47 +0000

Have I got a deal for you. Well, Amazon has a deal for you, anyway. Two great thrillers I read over the past year are now on sale at killer prices. First up, Anthony Neil Smith's Hogdoggin' is on sale in hardcover for just $6.71, which is more than $18.00 off. This is almost half the cost of the trade edition, folks. Hogdoggin' is the sequel to Yellow Medicine, so I recommend you take advantage of the low price and grab both books. If you like antiheroes, you will love Billy Lafitte. Then there's Duane Swierczynski's Severance Package, a trade paperback for only $5.58. As I read it, I thought it would make a great movie. Sure enough, last I heard the rights have been sold. But why wait for Hollywood to get their act together? I've been reading more crime than horror lately, and these are two of the books I've made the transition with. Make with the clicky, people. You won't regret it. UPDATE: Today I found out another great crime read, Saturday's Child by Ray Banks, is available in trade paperback for only $1.91. That's the very definition of a steal. Not as action-driven as the previous two books, but you've got compelling characters and a seamless shift between first-person point of views of two characters. Well done.

3500th Post

Mike — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 16:53:08 +0000

I've written 3500 posts since starting this blog many years ago. Rock on. \m/

I Love It When a Plan Comes Together

Mike — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 17:56:42 +0000

So help me, I'm looking forward to the new A-Team movie. When Rampage Jackson as B.A. stands up and the "da-da-daaa" plays in the background? I get chills. I loved this show as a kid. Yes, the tank bit in the trailer makes me wince a little, but come on, the original series had it's fair amount of cheese. In fact, it had a simple formula it followed through just about every episode:

A disguised Hannibal lands them a job
Break Murdock out of a mental hospital
Make B.A. drink tranquilized milk so he'll fly with Murdock
Meet clients, size up situation
Build big, crazy vehicle out of trucks/vans/cars and scrap metal
Kick ass (including lots of shooting with nobody getting shot, and lots of explosions and vehicles doing flips)
"I love it when a plan comes together."

Had to be some of the easiest writing ever. Only writing Scooby-Doo would be easier. Hell, producing the show had to be easy, too, because the same stuntmen showed up over and over as bad guys. No matter. Opening day, my ass is in a theater seat.

The Evileye Family Grows

Mike — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 22:29:01 +0000

Last month, Evileye Books added Cullen Bunn & Shawn Lee to their roster with the Raze series. This month they expand again with John Urbancik's new series DarkWalker. You can find a more complete announcement on Indie Pulp, and the first book is due in May. These are exciting times for the company. I may have been the first out of the gate, but these guys are bringing some strong work to the table, and I truly believe Evileye is going to be a force to be reckoned with in 2010 and beyond. They have big plans, and I wouldn't have signed on for a multi-book deal if I didn't think they could bring these plans to fruition. It helps that Cullen, John and I all know one another, too. It's starting to feel more like a studio than a company, and while there's going to be a lot of crossover in our audiences, we also bring in our own groups of fans. It's going to be a blast when we all have books out and we can man an Evileye table at a con. Evileye isn't done yet, either. Take a look in the back of The Pack: Winter Kill for a hint of what's to come. Like I said, exciting times!

Big Week for The Pack

Mike — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 06:17:53 +0000

There's a lot going on this week for my new book, The Pack: Winter Kill. First up, the first reviews have been rolling in to Amazon (both the paperback and the Kindle edition), and so far they've been very positive. The noir-horror hybrid seems to be a big hit, and people have been happy with the pacing and action. So far, so good. I just hope magazine and newspaper reviewers are as generous. In an attempt to encourage even more reviews, the publisher, Evileye Books, launched a review contest. If you've read the book, drop by and tell the world (or at least Amazon shoppers) what you think and you may just win a signed, limited edition hardcover edition of The Pack: Winter Kill. You've only got 'til Friday to enter, so get crackin'! On Friday I'll be catching a flight out to California to meet my friends (and authors) Brian Keene and J.F. Gonzalez, and on Saturday you can catch us at 2pm at Dark Delicacies in Burbank, CA. The following day, we'll be heading up north Borderlands Books in San Francisco to sign at 3pm. I'll be doing a lot of flying a s a result, but I'm looking forward to reconnecting with some old friends and meeting some new readers. (It'll also be nice to trade in the snow and cold for some warmer weather.) There's a full schedule on my Appearances page. These are exciting times, and with a little effort, I should be able to keep up the momentum.

Chronicle Screen Shot

Mike — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 03:12:33 +0000

SF Chronicle: "He's betting on werewolves"

Mike — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 03:20:39 +0000

The San Francisco Chronicle just published an article in their Books section leading up to my signing at Borderlands Books this Sunday at 3pm: [caption id="attachment_4048" align="alignnone" width="330" caption="Look at that magnificent bastard"][/caption] Written by Louis Peitzman, the full article is "Mike Oliveri: He's betting on werewolves". Way, way cool.

Travel Mode

Mike — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 04:31:29 +0000

I'm making the final preparations for this weekend's signing trip, which will include turning the blog over to travel mode. Assuming I have time to take pics and fire off some Tweets from the road, they'll be showing up here in daily digests. I suspect I'll either be thrilled with the crowds at Dark Delicacies and Borderlands Books or Brian, Jesus and I will be hanging out in a bar and wondering why nobody showed up. Or hell, maybe we'll be at a bar celebrating the huge turnout. There will be a bar in there somewhere, anyway. Wish us luck, and we're looking forward to seeing you there. I'm off to get my stuff together and maybe squeeze in a last minute Photo Friday entry. For now I'll leave you with an unrelated picture from this morning: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="He's coming for us all!"][/caption]

Photo Friday: Cravings

Mike — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 06:26:48 +0000

I may have to get up in four and a half hours to head out to the airport, but I've decided I'm not going to let Photo Friday get derailed on its second week. I can always sleep on the plane, right? Sure, I snore, but the engines will be louder. For this Photo Friday I grabbed my humidor, staged a quick pic, set the lens to macro mode, and started shooting. I had to fiddle with the flash and a hack diffuser (read: a couple of tissues), but finally got something about what I wanted. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Now I have the urge to light one up"][/caption] I'm not sure I'll have time (or a place) to smoke cigars in California, but last year VisionCon was (mostly) cigar-friendly, so next week maybe I'll get to fire one up.

Beauty and Her Beasts

Mike — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 13:56:32 +0000

Scheduling and Internet outages have kept me from posting pics from the signing event over the weekend, but power outages and icy roads have left me with a day off today, so I'll have something up later today. In the meantime, I've got two pics from when I got home. Most dads bring gifts home to their kids after a trip. Usually it's a t-shirt or a toy of some kind, or some souvenir from where they visited. Me? I brought home Freddy, Jason and Leatherface. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Serial killers, zombies and boogeymen! WOOHOO!!"][/caption] The Little Bird actually got a cool purse with a print featuring skeletons getting married, but she enjoyed the toys the same as her brothers did. The three figures are the same size as the boys' Marvel Super Hero Squad figures, so I thought they'd make good bad guys. However, Little Bird figured out they match the size of some of her toys... [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Belle flirts with an entirely different Beast"][/caption] You go, Leatherface! The Wife couldn't figure out why I was laughing so hard, but then again, she hasn't seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The next day, however, I questioned who came out on top of that little dance. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="May I cut in?"][/caption] Oh, Belle. You dirty, dirty girl. Do your masters in Mouseland know about your secret lust for bad boys?

Unleashed on California

Mike — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 21:52:24 +0000

Ah, sunny California. Three horror writers visit and things go to hell the moment we leave. Not our fault, I swear. We did have a great time, though, and my only regret was not stuffing my Digital Rebel into my bag to get better pictures. The tour officially kicked off Saturday at Dark Delicacies in Burbank. Dark Delicacies is a cool little store catering to horror fans, selling books, movies, and novelties. The iconic Frankenstein's monster statue waited out front, just as it had on my first visit about eight years ago. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Which one has the better complexion?"][/caption] The signing didn't start until 2pm, but we had folks coming in as early as a quarter after one. Several of our friends from the area showed up, as well as many long-time readers and fans. Brian Keene sold out of his books, and J.F. Gonzalez and I weren't far behind. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Scribble scribble"][/caption] I was surprised how many older books folks brought in, such as The Rising: Necrophobia, The Best of HorrorFind I and II, and even an ARC of New Dark Voices. One fan even had a limited edition copy of Deadliest of the Species (though he didn't bring it), and asked what the status of the movie rights are. If only, right? [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Keene, David Schow and Gonzalez"][/caption] We signed until people stopped showing up, then hustled off to a meeting. While we did make some time to hang out and visit friends, next time we're going to have to make it a longer trip to give us a little more time. Early the next morning we jumped out of bed and onto a plane bound for San Francisco. We arrived at Borderlands Books just as they finished setting up, and again we found fans and friends waiting for us. Not to mention Ripley the furry hairless cat. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Ripley got the crowd -- and the table -- warmed up for us"][/caption] We did a brief reading to a packed store. It's been a long time since I've read in public, and while I eased back into it, I pulled a pinhead move and read a different chapter than I intended. Whoops. However, the werewolf transformation scene seemed to go over well, and folks eagerly snapped up copies. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="One seat left. I think Brian's breath scared 'em off."][/caption] We didn't completely sell out, but the cold and rainy weather didn't exactly work in our favor. I also can't complain because a great review showed up in the Examiner while we were out there.

The Pack: Winter Kill is short, snappy, and about as sweet as a chewed stogie, combining elements of pulp horror, hard-boiled detective, noir, and cinematically fast-moving action. -- L.J. Moore, Examiner.com

Again, I wish the camera had taken better pictures. Though it's a 5 megapixel cam and does a fair job with movies, it's rather slow and unwieldy with stills. The slightest motion throws it off, so most of the pictures came out blurry. The rest of what I felt worth salvaging can be found here on Flickr. The next leg of the tour starts tomorrow at VisionCon in Springfield, MO. I'm going to set Twitter to post to the blog again, and hopefully it will actually work this time. I hate leaving all that dead space here while I'm out and about, but technology being what it is, I sometimes don't have a choice. Hope to see some of you there!

Just Create! Go Out and Do It!

Mike — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 05:44:28 +0000

This thing has apparently being going viral, but I'm posting it here largely as a reminder to myself: I've not seen all of Ralph Bakshi's work, but his work ethic as presented here rings true through just about any creative media, not just animation. Writers and artists may not be able to rely on a computer to do a lot of the work for them, but then again, we've never needed a whole team of animators to work for us, either. If you're not familiar with Bakshi, check out Wizards, one of my favorite animated flicks. More people are probably familiar with Cool World (featuring an early appearance of Brad Pitt) and his Lord of the Rings adaptation, but I also dug another older flick of his called Fire and Ice. Good stuff.

Photo Friday: Worn

Mike — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 07:01:03 +0000

Yeah, I'm leaving in five hours to pick up Cullen Bunn and head to VisionCon, but I still took a some time to bust out this week's Photo Friday.

I Survived VisionCon

Mike — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 05:33:22 +0000

Or I could say Springfield, MO, survived VisionCon. The local HuHot staff almost got their heads kicked in by Brian Keene, Wrath James White and I, but that's another story. This year's con was a bit bigger than last year's, and as always the con staff and crowd was great to work with. I set up shop between Cullen Bunn and Russ Dickerson, and while we didn't have a ton of shopping traffic, we moved some product and met a lot of people, and we generally had a blast. I didn't have an opportunity to take a lot of pictures this year, but Amanda from Geek Details shot me a link to her Flicker set of VisionCon photos. You'll see many of the guests there (including my fat ass), as well as some shots of the nightlife. For example, you'll see that old white guys like to stand and yap until you get a few drinks into them. Saturday morning I volunteered to be a kicking dummy for Wrath's Muay Thai demonstration. We've got a few pictures of that, which I'll share separately. The other big event on Saturday was the return of the infamous Gross-out Contest. Formerly a fixture of the World Horror Convention until it was killed a few years ago, the con staff graciously allowed to resurrect it given the attendance of former champions Cullen, Wrath, and Mark McLaughlin. Brian served as emcee and I sat in on the judges' panel, and we had over 50 people sit in on the readings. More than a few of them almost lost their dinner as the champions and several first-time readers brought their worst to the mic, and in the end Cullen won his 5th title, Wrath came in 2nd, and S.D. Hintz took 3rd. Unfortunately the bar couldn't put together a decent boilermaker, but the beauty of a con like VisionCon is the people know how to put together a good room party. In addition to Cullen's patented diet margaritas, we grabbed drinks with names like Mojo, Green Slime, Deception, and Rusty Bucket. They all go down easy, and if you're not having fun at a con like this, you're just not trying. After two weekends in a row on the road, it's good to be home. I'm still catching up on email and other writing business, but I'm feeling energized and eager to get some more writing done. Finding a new good review didn't hurt, either. Thanks again to Dave and his staff for bringing me back this year, and thanks as well to all the folks who came to hang out with us (there are far too many of you to list!). I hope to be there again next year!

Operation: Mindcrime

Mike — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 05:28:31 +0000

Queensryche's Operation: Mindcrime is just a brilliant album. I've played the cassette nearly to death, and while I'm positive I bought it on CD at some point, I can't find the disc anywhere. I finally got tired of not having it on my iPod, so when I saw Amazon had the MP3 album listed for $6.99, I downloaded it with all speed. I've even seen them perform this album in its entirety live at the House of Blues in Chicago. It easily ranks among the top concerts I've attended, and they were even recording for the Operation: Livecrime DVD that night, so my own voice is lost in the crowd noise on some of those tracks. (Side note: I was also present when Bad Religion recorded for Tested in Chicago. "Recipe for Hate" and I believe one other track from that night made the cut.) Now I'll play Mindcrime in my office, and the students will try to make me feel old by telling me they've never heard of it or Queensryche. They listen to throwback '80s music in P.E. to be retro, but when we expose 'em to good stuff they scratch their heads. I've even got a picture of my bro Paul Legerski and his wife throwing up the horns with Dio backstage, and some kids asked if Paul is my brother and Dio is my dad. This must be what it feels like to get old. I don't feel old by any stretch, but man, I'm getting plenty of reminders the gray in my goatee and at my temples is there to stay.

VisionCon: The Muay Thai Demo

Mike — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 05:40:13 +0000

Wrath James White put on a Muay Thai demonstration Saturday morning at the con, and as I mentioned previously, he recruited me to hold the pads for him. In a nutshell, my job was to get beaten on a little. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Not in the face! Not in the face!"][/caption] Ass-whoopin' jokes aside, it was a great demo. Wrath spent a lot of time discussing the distances between arts like karate and Muay Thai, covered some of his training, and even showed us his Ram Muay, the dance fighters perform before their matches. I was familiar with some of what he had to say, but a lot of it was new to me, especially the particulars of Muay Thai's rules and culture, and for anyone interested in the martial arts, it was interesting stuff. Then Wrath got to demonstrating why Muay Thai is referred to as the art of eight limbs; he started throwing punches, elbows, knees, and kicks my way.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="You don't want to eat one of these"][/caption]

I've held pads for plenty of guys before, but this was the first I've done so for a professional fighter. Even at 70% power, I had no question I'd be hurtin' if I hadn't been holding up those pads. I trusted Wrath not to miss the pads and take out a rib, but at the same time I made damn sure to keep those pads out where he needed them so I didn't set myself up for injury. One of those knees could easily have knocked out teeth or cracked a rib.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Like a frickin' freight train!"][/caption]

The flying knees were the strongest technique he showed off. I'm not a little dude, and if I stepped into the ring with Wrath we'd both be fighting in the heavyweight division. I even set myself into a front stance to brace against the knee. Nevertheless, those flying knees knocked me back a couple of steps with each blow. I can't imagine the damage I'd have taken if he kept me in a tight clinch or pinned me against a turnbuckle or Octagon fence.

You can see a few more pics from the demo on my VisionCon Flickr set, and Jerrod Balzer has posted a some pictures on his blog.

The crowd enjoyed the presentation, and I felt like I learned something as well. In fact, afterward I asked Wrath a few more questions about applying a proper Muay Thai clinch, and I hope to show some of my friends at my karate school the technique.

Who knows, maybe I'll even get an opportunity to apply it in a sparring match...

Longevity & Purpose

Mike — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 16:11:52 +0000

I'm stealing this video from Matthew Apsokardu's Ikigai martial arts blog because I think it's very much worth watching. It discusses human longevity, and the things that lead to longevity in some of the longest-living groups in the world. Matt has a lot of good discussion of the video, and he ties the video to martial arts. Something that really struck me, though, was the video's mentions of purpose or, as the Okinawans call it, ikigai. Ikigai is something you live for, your reason to wake up every morning. The presenter, Dan Buettner, says the two most dangerous years of our lives are the first year and the year we retire. That means infant mortality and losing our sense of purpose. The Okinawans, it turns out, don't even have a word for retirement. I've never understood retirement. I've been told many times I need to be ready to retire at 55, or at least by 65. Okay, but then what? If I retire at 55 and my life expectancy is 75, that's 20 years of sitting with my thumb in my ass. Sure, I'm supposed to have enough money to take a couple of trips a year, or go golfing or something when I feel like it, but is that going to fill up an entire year? Or as much time as a day job currently does? Nope. Now, that doesn't mean I want to be at this same day job at that point. My goal is to move on from this job, preferably through writing, before I have to retire from it. If the Okinawan fisherman is content to fish for his family three times a week at age 100, then more power to him. He's happy to do it, he enjoys it. It gives him purpose. The way I feel right now, I'd love to be writing and practicing karate (and playing with grandkids or great-grandkids) at age 85. I'd love to go out working at my desk, like Robert B. Parker did. Or in my sleep after a good workout (or after sex, as Buettner says a number of Okinawans do). "Retirement homes" scare the shit out of me. Sure, sometimes disease and other misfortunes result in people stranded there, but it just freaks me out seeing people sitting in chairs, vacantly staring at the walls or windows. Some of them simply stopped moving, and their bodies just didn't know they'd quit. What's their ikigai, their purpose? Salisbury steak day in the cafeteria? An over-enthusiastic intern dragging them through an activity they have no interest in? I'll pass, thanks. This is just another reminder I need to keep working. I'm fortunate my creativity is something that can (potentially) fund this kind of dream. Even if it couldn't, though, I would like to think I'll find another passion to keep me alive when I finally get fed up and walk away from this job, even if it means learning something new. (I'm also a big believer that people should never stop learning, but that's a whole separate blog post.) Maybe I'll learn to build and repair motorcycles, or turn my writing sideline to editing and publishing. Maybe I'll finally learn to play an instrument and songwriting will take over. Who knows? Whatever I choose to call retirement is a long way in the future. My present is my ikigai.

Hate the Name, Want the iPad

Mike — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 05:58:25 +0000

Back on Christmas Eve, I blogged about the things I'd like my comics to do in the future. Yesterday, Apple gave us the iPad, and I believe it's only a matter of time before our comics will do all that. The examples in the keynote made it clear that the days of static pages are over. I don't think there's any reason to go fully animated for comics (that's what cartoons are for), but creators will be able to take advantage of slick transitions and other effects that can really enhance the reading -- or even the entire storytelling -- experience. Guys like comiXology have their app zooming and panning around a comic, but that's just scratching the surface. I'm not convinced this will replace the Wife's beloved Kindle, mostly because I'm not convinced the iPad will be as comfortable to read for long periods (the iPad is backlit, the Kindle is not) or as easy to read outdoors. The Kindle is also cheaper and, at least for the moment, has a much larger selection of books available. (The Kindle DX, however, is toast. The newspaper and magazine outlets wanted a bigger tablet, but they also wanted color, and the DX just doesn't cut it.) I wonder, too, what it will do for short prose fiction. If magazines and newspapers are going to go all out developing for this thing, why not anthology magazines or fiction websites? Grab something like the new Crimefactory zine and read it on the go, just like you might for the Kindle. With the iPad, editors could also post video interviews and other extras you may be able to post to the web but you just can't do on a Kindle. I don't see the iPad replacing my laptop (or desktop, for that matter), but I can see it being a great supplement. I love my iPod touch, but I still can't edit docs on it. With Pages available for the iPad, I can easily use it to edit files, or even create in a pinch while on the road. I'd have to play with the keyboard dock and/or a Bluetooth keyboard to give any real thought to long-form creation on it, such as writing an entire novel, but the real problem is I need the multitasking to be truly functional on it. That said, the multitasking isn't a deal killer. I don't need multitasking on the road, or if I'm lugging it around at a convention. I can prop it up on a table and let it display artwork all day on a 10-hour battery, or hand it to an editor and let him flip through art or page samples. I can also hold and use it like a clipboard with little effort while walking around a con floor or waiting in line somewhere. These would be unwieldy at best with a laptop, even a netbook. Kiss netbooks goodbye, for that matter. For $100 or so more, I'd much rather have an iPad. Netbooks are underpowered, for the most part, and you're still wrestling with a laptop form factor only tinier. True multitasking would bog down the iPad, just as it does most netbooks. If I didn't have a MacBook at work, I'd purchase an iPad for myself and use it as the supplement to my iMac rather than spending double or more on a full-size laptop. I'd much rather carry the iPad on a plane, too. Laptops are a tight fit on those trays, especially if you're a larger person or if the guy in front of you leans his seat back. As an educator, I'd much rather put an iPad in the hands of my students in a 1:1 environment. Why?

The cost is less than half of a MacBook and they will be far easier to manage (based on existing iPod/iPhone deployment tools, anyway)
With textbook deals coming, students will be able to carry and read all their books on it
It's set up for annotation and in-classroom note taking
It will have all the current features of the iPod touch, such as classroom response, apps, iTunesU, and so on
The lack of multitasking keeps students on task (in theory)
Schools will still have labs for multimedia work and things like yearbook and business classes, so heavy-duty composition can be done there

Some say printing may be an issue, but I say no. Just ten years ago, Palm wanted every student to have a Palm device and beam their papers, etc., to the teacher via infrared. If the iPad will dump files to a server store for the teacher, that's all they need, and is more efficient. This saves on paper (not to mention toner, which, believe me, is a huge expense for a school district), and is less junk for the teacher to haul home to grade. Our coaches will kill for sports statistic apps on one of these. They carry it along the sidelines and tap a player's name to tweak their stats. Little to no typing would be required if it's handled right. Heck, with the right app and programming, they'd have quick access to plays, replays, and field/court diagrams. As for some of the other criticisms, I think people are being a bit harsh. Take the bezel, for example. Yeah, it's pretty big, but given the size of the thing your thumbs will have to overlap the screen to hold it properly, and you'd have a lot of accidental input. Saying you won't buy this thing because of the bezel is like saying you wouldn't sleep with Shakira because she has small tits. No camera? Yeah, kinda sucks. But Apple's not stupid, so I think there's a reason for this. I decided to test out a theory and set my MacBook Pro in my lap so the screen would approximate where I'd hold the iPad. I fired up the Photo Booth app, and the following is the first picture I took while holding the screen in a way I can read the display. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="240" caption="Talk about negative space..."][/caption] Tilt the display so I can see my whole face, and parts of the screen start looking dim. I wouldn't be able to see the person talking to me very well. That was taken holding the screen in landscape mode. I turned it on its side and tried again. This one's a little better... [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="375" caption="I can see my brain!"][/caption] ...but you can see right up my nose. It's not exactly the most flattering angle in general. So why include a camera if the only way you can use it is to hold it straight out in front of you? Users would be bitching about their arms getting tired in no time. Yeah, it would work on a dock, but you know most people aren't going to be buying docks. A camera on the back wouldn't be much better. Something that big would be unwieldy to aim, and probably introduce more shake than you'd want with what would amount to a cell phone camera. Again, it would be an opening to more gripes than compliments. You want a tiny, portable camera off your phone? Try a Flip or an iPod nano. Or a real camera like an Elph. Then there's the name. The jokes are already all over the Internet, but MadTV already covered this one for us: "Vaginal firewall protection" indeed. Smooth, Mr Jobs. Tablet or Slate, with or without an i in front of them, would have been much better. Next there's the AT&T thing... Even Hitler's not happy about that one. But can you blame him? We couldn't get decent AT&T coverage where I live if our lives depended on it. You would think Apple learned their lesson with all the iPhone complaints. But hey, at least they found people a cheaper data plan. Dump a USB cellular modem and the iPad pays for itself in about a year and a half. Another reason I think this thing is going to do well is the interface. I've played with an iPod touch for a while now, and it still amazes me how easy it is to use. I taught the Midget to use it in all of ten seconds, and he in turn taught the Squirt -- who was four at the time -- how to do the same thing. With no input from me, they were switching apps and playing games like pros. Even my three-year-old daughter effortlessly dumps pygmies off the island in Pocket God, then creates more so she can do it again. The interface is what killed previous generations of tablets, whether we're talking about the Newton or the round of tablets the PC industry tried to foist on us around 2000-2002. (They tried to foist them off on the education sector, anyway.) They were unwieldy, heavy, buggy, and in many cases you had to have a stylus, which itself was just an afterthought bolted on to Windows. Handwriting recognition may have been huge in its day, but you had to learn your way around its idiosyncrasies, especially when they revamped the input alphabet like Palm did. Handwriting recognition was just too inconsistent from user to user, but anyone can learn to swipe. That said, I'm still intrigued by Microsoft's Surface. It shows they've put a lot more thought into touch technology, and if they integrate the touch features into their new tablet devices, I may be willing to give it a second glance. It's just tough to be positive after the horrible (IMHO) WinMo interface on most of their mobile devices. (5 minutes with a Sprint Mogul was enough to ensure I'd never go anywhere near one again, and I just needed to make a phone call.) I know there's probably going to be a better version out within six months of releasing this one. I know I'm paying into a closed system. But damn it, I want one of these. Pass the Apple Kool-Aid.

Sometimes It Just Feels Right

Mike — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 21:30:22 +0000

Two for Flinching!

Mike — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 04:59:27 +0000

Punch Dub, Slug Bug, Punch Buggy. Whatever you call it, you know how to play the game. Now VW has picked up on it and has turned it into an advertising campaign: My favorite punch buggy incidents occurred in Los Angeles back during the first 4x4 tour. Brian Keene, Mike Huyck and I were all riding in the back of Ann Laymon's Cherokee on our way out to Dark Delicacies. Geoff Cooper and his girlfriend followed in a car behind us. At one stoplight, we spotted a punch buggy and commenced to beating the shit out of one another, while the guy next to us shouted encouragements. Next stoplight, we spotted another. Brian and Mikey jumped out of the Jeep and headed back to Coop's car. He helpfully rolled down the window so they could deliver the punch buggy blows. Brian and Mikey ran back to the Cherokee before the shooting started. Good times. What's your best punch buggy story?

Photo Friday: Airtime

Mike — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 04:23:57 +0000

I'm posting a day late, but this pic was actually taken last night at the Academy of Okinawan Karate's graduation. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="Judo mocks your silly gravity"][/caption] Judo is something I hope to work on myself, soon. There is just enough Judo in the Shuri-ryu curriculum to give karateka a taste, but the AOK offers a dedicated Judo class as well. Once I make Ikkyu (first-degree brown belt), I hope to hit more of those classes.

How to Seize Your 15 Minutes

Mike — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 21:28:34 +0000

Write a single like Cage the Elephant's "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked" and have several companies hijack it for commercials. I've heard it on commercials for the Borderlands video game and TNT's Leverage, and I feel like there's at least one more. Too bad books can't go viral that way.

Some Fine New Blurbage

Mike — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 03:30:17 +0000

Here are a few things said recently about The Pack: Winter Kill:

The Pack: Winter Kill is a page turner with fast action, succinct dialogue and short chapters. Mike Oliveri races you through the book and you clamber to turn the pages fast enough. -- Ron Earl Phillips, 52 Books

Winter Kill is an action film made word. Sticky blood. Smart violence. Real characters. This is the kind of book I like to read. -- Weston Ochse, author of Empire of Salt

Why haven't you bought your copy yet?

Photo Friday: Candlelight

Mike — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:53:24 +0000

I was supposed to participate in a black belt promotion ceremony called a kamiza at the Academy of Okinawan Karate tonight, but the combination of winter weather and a sick child conspired against me. Not only did I miss out on what would have been a great event but I missed out on a great Photo Friday opportunity. I decided to mimic that opportunity tonight. The kamiza is held by candlelight, and every karateka in the ceremony carries in their own candle. I had my candle at home, so I lit it up and started playing with the camera. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="In the dojo, or in the living room?"][/caption] Something I learned from this pic is I need a remote. I kind of like the pic, but the focus could really be better, especially since I used a low aperture resulting in a very narrow depth of field. I may retake this one when I get a remote, and play with the exposure to capture the flame. Bonus pic: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="I like the halo around the flame"][/caption] While I was playing with the camera and the distance, I caught this picture. I did a quick crop, otherwise it's straight off the camera.

The Right Way to Defile Classics

Mike — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 04:35:43 +0000

I had a new remixed trailer pointed out to me this week, Gone with the Wind with Vampires: Clever and well done. Ask me, this is the way it should be done. Yeah, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is a funny concept, but it's like a Saturday Night Live skit that just never ends. And to start a whole genre off a gimmick? Ugh.

Pull the Trigger Already!

Mike — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 05:09:28 +0000

Been thinking about picking up The Pack: Winter Kill? What are you waiting for? It's a crime thriller with supernatural horror thrown in, and so far fans of each have been happy. I've got folks nagging me for book 2, and that hasn't been happening for a long time now. If you need to hear it from someone else, check out the Bedlam Book Report by Ron Earl Phillips on James Melzer's Unleashed podcast. The Bedlam Book Report starts at the eight minute mark, but give the rest of the episode a listen as there's a good interview with The Wire's Jermaine Crawford about his Code Blue campaign for homeless teens. There are plenty of reviews on Amazon as well, and a solid review landed in San Francisco's City Secrets. "Short, snappy, and about as sweet as a chewed stogie." How do you argue with that? Would it help if I said please?

Been There, Done That

Mike — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 02:08:33 +0000

This should be a familiar scene to dads who have sons (and probably a few who have girls): Had the Midget shootin' out the other end once, too. Painted the wall. I wrote "warning: contents under pressure" on his diaper to give the Wife a heads up for the next change.

Snow Day!

Mike — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 05:52:55 +0000

The snow came in heavy last night, resulting in a school closing today and a day off for me. With tonight's high winds, I may even have the day off tomorrow, too. The trick, then, is capitalizing on the bonus time and being productive with other projects. Today I decided to get back to work on my pig sty of an office. I put a dent in things, but there's still a ways to go. As much as I like having an office, I don't spend near enough time in there. I'm trying to get to the point where I get some writing business done every day, be it writing, plotting, editing, or even just research. However, I've not been very successful due to a combination of both things outside my control and a general lack of discipline. I've been trying to do it from a laptop in the living room, but the temptation to spend time with the family or stare at the television has trumped discipline. When I go into the office, though, I only see all of the other work that needs to be done. I see the mounds of paperwork on the desk, and the comics the kids scattered around the floor. I see the unopened comics shipments and stacks of books that don't fit on the shelves. I see the miscellaneous junk the wife finally got tired of seeing in the kitchen, and the various electronics I've squirreled away for no particular reason. I don't stare at the monitor, I stare at all that other shit. It's time to shake things up. There's no guarantee it'll solve my discipline problem, of course, but it's a step in the right direction.

Why People Don't Take Martial Arts Seriously

Mike — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 21:03:54 +0000

There are a lot of garbage techniques in the martial arts, often so obvious that someone with little or no training can recognize them as such. Yet some schools latch on to them, even attach some mysticism to them, and continue to teach these techniques as if they'd really work. In the following video, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu instructor Stephan Kesting of Grapplearts shows us two of his favorite ridiculous techniques: I get a laugh out of these myself, but at the same time I hate to see them because they make martial arts in general look bad.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Mike — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 16:41:19 +0000

My wife is awesome. Part of this awesomeness is she knows I love her and doesn't require me to buy bullshit flowers, chocolates, cards, and so on today. (Another part of this awesomeness means I don't have to wait until today to guarantee I get laid, either.) Some of you aren't so lucky. You get guilt trips and snide remarks. You need to make with the Hallmark, and after your lady has strung you along for a significant portion of the day, you may get a glimpse of a titty. Which brings me to this year's Valentine's Day song. My song of the day goes something like this. For the rest of you poor bastards, it goes a little more like this: By the way, it helps that I'm man enough to express my love on a regular basis. If you can't handle that, then these bullshit holidays are all your fault.

Photo Friday: Game Night!

Mike — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 04:19:24 +0000

I took this picture on Friday, but I was out running around all weekend and haven't had a chance to upload them until now. This time I used our family game night to grab the picture. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="C'mon 6!"][/caption] I really liked the setup for this one, but I wish I had the focus on her face instead of her hands. I couldn't recreate the same combination of expression and angle, unfortunately, to get it right. Lesson learned: practice more with manual focus. I posted two other pics from the same shoot here and here. Also some minor things I'd have changed, but when you're working with a three year old excited to take her turn, it's not exactly easy to give direction. Heh. The Photo Friday set of all pics so far can be found here.

WolfRead

Mike — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 00:54:58 +0000

It'll Put Hair On Your Chest

Mike — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 03:37:33 +0000

The big talk of the werewolf fan communities is whether or not there will be a surge of popularity in werewolf media following the release of The Wolfman. I saw the flick Friday night, and you know, it's really hard to say. The movie itself is good. It's feel is very faithful to the original, and there's a great gothic horror flavor to it, yet enough action and violence to satisfy modern horror fans. The plot seems a bit rushed at points, but overall, I enjoyed it. It's tough to say, though, that it's going to excite anyone but existing werewolf fans. There's nothing there for broader appeal: no love story, no catchy music, no hot young actors or actresses for folks to latch on to. (Emily Blunt is no certainly no slouch, but she spends all but a few frames in a stuffy Victorian dress.) It also doesn't help that reviews seem to go either way, with critics either loving or hating it. It's too bad, as I'd love to capitalize on a werewolf craze. With it's crime/thriller edge, my book The Pack: Winter Kill has a very different feel from The Wolfman (as well as just about any other werewolf flick), but I think that can help it appeal to a broader audience than just the werewolf fans. After all, let's be honest: werewolf fans are my bread & butter and I love 'em, but it's going to take a lot more than that to make the book a hit. How about turning readers into werewolves? That do anything for ya? [caption id="attachment_4115" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The Pack: Winter Kill -- It'll put hair on your chest!"][/caption] Evileye wanted to institute a recall, but I talked them out of it. I have no money to give you if you sue me, so I say get out there and tear shit up! Fight the power! Stick it to The Man! Arrrooooo!! Meanwhile, the folks over at Comics Bulletin have interviewed the man behind Evileye Books, Mr Aaron Ommus. Shoot on over and check out his thoughts on the comics market, digital comics, Evileye's new releases, and the upcoming Evileye Reader for webcomics. I truly believe Ommus and Evileye are going to surprise a lot of people this year, whether or not my little wedge of dead paper (or collection of bits) does anything for them. That wedge of dead paper has been jumping up and down in the Amazon sales ranks the last few days. I haven't decoded how the sales rank works, but I'm guessing the jumps mean at least a few more people have picked up copies. If that includes any of you reading this, thanks! I hope you dug it. If you want to pick up the book but aren't a fan of Amazon, we'll have you covered soon. We're working on getting the book into the main distribution channels so it can be ordered through Borders, Barnes & Noble, and hopefully your favorite indie shop as well. Or, if you do have a favorite indie shop, have them contact Evileye Books directly. Ommus and his team will be happy to help any independents get copies. Now I best get back to work on Book 2.

Bad Timing

Mike — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 21:22:07 +0000

The Difference a Day Makes

Mike — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:35:49 +0000

Yesterday's Workday: Today's Workday: I'm sure someone makes a pill for this.

Photo Friday Saturday: Victory

Mike — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 05:11:49 +0000

This week's Photo Friday pic comes from the Throwdown IV MMA event in East Peoria Saturday night. We were treated to almost 30 great fights, and my friends and I had a great time. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="475" caption="King of this cage"][/caption] This is the third Throwdown event I've attended at the East Peoria Event Center, and the event gets a little better every time. For example, they went from a hexagon to a full octagon between their second and third events, and this time they added a projector and video screen to give fans a better look at the action. Our only beef with the logistics was the parking lot was an absolute mess of mud and gravel, and they filled it up before the event started. All in all it was a great evening. Most of the fighters came from the Central Illinois Combat Club and the Peoria Athletic Club, and they were determined to put on a good show. Most of the MMA fights ended in submissions and ref stoppage, and the other fights included a mix of grappling and Muay Thai matches. Next time my friends and I intend to show up a little earlier so we can sit closer to the cage and get a better look at the ground work, as some of the fighters looked like they put a lot of work into their grappling training. I shot over 300 pics of the event (not counting the couple dozen I erased between bouts), and I dropped 26 in a Flickr set. I stuck with my 50mm prime lens so I could work without a flash, but I still had to crank up my camera's ISO rating to get an acceptable shutter speed at the distance I shot from. As a result there's a lot more noise in the pics than I'd otherwise want to deal with. The other problem I ran into was the cage itself. The camera picked it up as often as it did the fighters, so I boosted the aperture to get a larger depth of field. I also played with manual focus some, but the distance still made it tough to see the finer details I wanted to focus on (and the focus ring was right near its limit anyway). I probably could have gotten away with using my 55-200mm zoom lens for tighter shots and better control of focus, a trade-off for sacrificing another stop or so of aperture. Instead most of what you'll see is tightly cropped from the originals, making the noise and focus issues even more obvious. Next time I may suck it up and haul in a camera bag so I can have all my lenses available. I may be less polite and stand up to take some shots so I don't get so many backs of other fans' heads, too. Heck, if I wanted to really go nuts, I could borrow another camera body from work or a friend and have both lenses ready to go without having to mount and unmount them between bouts or rounds. I'm sure my friends would love it. Heh.

Restore From Backup Goes Digital This Summer

Mike — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 23:05:11 +0000

J.F. Gonzalez and I have signed the contracts for an electronic edition of Restore from Backup to be released this June from Lovecraft Press (news release here). Somehow that seems more appropriate for a horror novella drawing on our mutual IT experiences. Also in the works is a reprint of the novella in an upcoming anthology. We've signed the contracts, but things are still in process so it's still a bit early to announce any details. Stay tuned!

Little Scrappers

Mike — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 03:03:46 +0000

Saturday night's fights opened with an unusual Muay Thai match: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="475" caption=""Gimme your lunch money!" "No, you give me yours!""][/caption] We thought it was a joke at first, but when the bell rang, these little dudes went to town on one another. They punched, they kicked, they threw knees to the ribs. And the crowd went nuts. I felt almost guilty encouraging two little kids to beat the snot out of one another. This wasn't a simple point sparring match, it was a full-on fight between a couple of what, first graders? Second? [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption=""Eat leather!""][/caption] I got to wondering, though: should I really have felt guilty about it? A short time after the fight, these kids came walking through the crowd right in front of our table. Together, like buddies. And despite all that punching and kicking, neither had a mark on him. I'm guessing they're still too small to do any real damage to one another, especially with protective gear in place. Then I got to thinking, why not have the kids in a match? Most of the students at the Academy of Okinawan Karate are children, and they spar at least once a week (after reaching a higher rank). When we hit Judo in the curriculum cycle, the kids have full Judo matches. If we encourage throws and joint locks, why not (padded) punches and kicks? Finally, it's a controlled environment. There's a ref and paramedics at hand for starters. One would also presume the kids have gone through quite a bit of training before being put out in front of a crowd. If they hadn't, it wouldn't be much use as a martial arts exhibition, and the kids would probably have just circled one another in fear (or one would have dominated the other). I don't know that it's something I'd encourage my kids to do, but at the same time, the few minutes of fighting in this match probably amounted to the same amount of contact we'd see in junior hockey, soccer, or football games. I've seen kids go home bloodied from soccer cleats before, and again, these two guys didn't have a mark on 'em. Heck, when I was a kid we played keepaway games out in our school's field that were rougher than this fight. So what's the big deal, then? Why feel guilty when they started throwing punches? I think it's all a matter of perspective. Violence between children is frowned upon, especially for those of us working for schools. But now that I've been involved with the martial arts, I have a much better idea of what's happening in the ring and how training works than I did three years ago. It looks violent from the outside, but there really is more sport and competition involved than actual violence. In short, these two kids had the guts to get out in front of a huge crowd and put on a show, and that's not an experience most kids are going to have. If they had fun and they learned something, then more power to 'em.

4x4 Hardcover on eBay

Mike — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:32:01 +0000

A copy of the much-coveted hardcover edition of 4x4 has showed up on eBay. $165.62 as I post this. That won't last long, as previous auctions have seen it go as high as $700. Make with the clicky.

It Never Gets Old

Mike — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:59:17 +0000

I do this to the cat all the time. Have been doing so for months, maybe over a year now. And it still amuses me to no end. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="475" caption="Here's a bird for ya, cat!"][/caption]

Money Bin

Mike — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:33:43 +0000

Borg Cube

Mike — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:43:02 +0000

Rubik's Politics

Mike — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:54:04 +0000

This is the planned layout of a new US Embassy building in London: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="460" caption="Lego brick? Jenga cube?"][/caption] Writer Warren Ellis has some good thoughts about what this layout and design is actually saying about US post-9/11 policy, but in looking at the architecture itself, I'm wondering where the engineers pulled their inspiration from. Could it be: [caption id="attachment_4133" align="aligncenter" width="250" caption="The banner goes on during the unveiling"][/caption] Or maybe they're Star Trek geeks: [caption id="attachment_4135" align="aligncenter" width="320" caption="You will be democratized!"][/caption] Either way, it's definitely a cold, boring structure. They may as well have modeled it after a balled-up porcupine and surrounded it with concertina wire. It's the sort of place I'd expect to go to die in Soylent Green, or to get waterboarded by Dick Cheney.

Taking Flight

Mike — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 04:05:44 +0000

There are two things that seem to draw the "oohs" from the crowds at a fight: good punches and big throws. There were a couple of good throws Saturday night at Throwdown IV, and I managed to catch one of them on camera. In this case, one fighter lifted the other off the mat, got him shoulder high and turned him over to throw him back down to the mat, and the crowd let out a big "ooh!" of appreciation. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="He believes he can fly"][/caption] Here's the thing about throws and sweeps, though: they're not very painful. The first thing you learn in Judo is how to fall without hurting yourself, which includes when getting thrown. Throws like this do look spectacular, but the objective isn't to inflict damage to your opponent, it's to get them to the ground and get a superior position from which to work a submission (or to ground 'n' pound in an MMA match). Now, there are times one fighter will pick up another and slam him to the ground as hard as possible, and that can be painful, but in general a takedown itself isn't going to end a fight. That all said, I've been getting more and more interested in judo and its throws and sweeps myself. There's some judo in the Shuri-ryu karate curriculum, and I picked up a copy of Kodokan Judo to get a more complete idea of what's involved in the art. I'm also reading a book called Falling Hard, a great book written by a British journalist who took up judo at age 50. I'm about 70 pages in and I've already learned a lot of interesting things about the history of the art and its founder, Jigoro Kano. My karate school offers judo classes as part of the karate membership, so I may take advantage of those classes later this year. I need to concentrate on making ikkyu (first-degree brown belt) first because the last stripe is going to be a tough one. This just would not be the right time to shake up my schedule. Judo should round out my skills, and should better prepare me for my black belt test when the time comes. If I do hit those classes, though, it'll sure feel odd to wear a white belt again.

Blurbs

Mike — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 04:49:59 +0000

The Pack: Winter Kill has been available for a few months now, and I'm thrilled that people have been enjoying it. As of today, the trade paperback edition has earned fifteen 5-star reviews and one 4-star review, including a 5-star review from one of Amazon's top 50 reviewers. Here are some of the things folks have had to say about The Pack: Winter Kill outside of Amazon reviews: "The Pack: Winter Kill is short, snappy, and about as sweet as a chewed stogie, combining elements of pulp horror, hard-boiled detective, noir, and cinematically fast-moving action." -- LJ Moore, San Francisco's City Secrets "Gunfire, claws, and teeth all erupt in one wild melee of mayhem." -- Sheila Merritt, Hellnotes "The Pack: Winter Kill is a page turner with fast action, succinct dialogue and short chapters. Mike Oliveri races you through the book and you clamber to turn the pages fast enough." - Ron Earl Phillips, 52 Books "Winter Kill is an action film made word. Sticky blood. Smart violence. Real characters. This is the kind of book I like to read." - Weston Ochse, author of Empire of Salt This is the kind of thing that gets me excited to write the next book. If you've been thinking about buying The Pack: Winter Kill, pull the trigger! You won't be disappointed.

Photo Friday: Bitty Ball

Mike — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 05:43:24 +0000

This week's Photo Friday is a bit lazy. My son's park district basketball team had a game tonight, and we had a few other things going on so I figured this would be easier than getting creative. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Get the rebound!"][/caption] I've never been a big basketball fan, but it's fun watching the little guys run around and do their thing. The Midget is having a blast, and even though he's never played before, he's learning quite a bit and has improved with every game. There have been several mornings we woke to the "thump thump thump" of his dribbling practice, and he'll often dribble some more while he watches TV. There hasn't been much I've been able to offer him in terms of advice. The Wife played basketball in high school, but I wrestled and we weren't big fans of the pumpkin bouncers. I more or less tuned out during basketball rules lessons in PE, and I constantly got called for fouls that I didn't even realize were fouls. For example, if I stand firm and the guy with the ball crashes into me and falls on his ass, why is that a foul on me? Why should I have to give up ground for my opponent? I'm not going to give him a free shot at the basket! I digress. Point is, I tried to give the little dude advice from the sideline once, but the Wife told me that was the opposite of what he needed to be doing at the moment. So I keep it simple now: "Go go go!" and "Nice shot!" That way the coaches don't look at me like I'm crazy. It doesn't matter much this year, but he says he wants to play throughout his school career. If that's the case, I guess I better start learning how this shit works so we can practice in the driveway. Yeah, we have a hoop. Inherited it when we bought the house. Only time I've ever paid attention to it is when I've had to mow around it. Photography-wise, the lesson this week is a lot like last week's: spot focus is tough at a distance with a low aperture setting. I need a fast zoom lens, but they're way out of my financial reach. On the plus side, I got up and moved around the gym a bit, exercising a little more sneaker zoom than usual. The habit of staying in the bleachers with friends is one I need to break if I want to take better pics.

Filler

Mike — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 15:26:52 +0000

Doing the headless chicken thing so have fallen silent. Back soon. In the meantime, I will distract you with this slice of awesome:

Flipping Off Cops

Mike — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 16:01:49 +0000

Wired has an article about how it's legal to give police the finger but it's not a good idea. Hell, I can show you that in one short video and save you five minutes: Yes, some cops are dicks. They don't hand out reason and common sense with guns & badges. However, there are better ways to show your displeasure than setting yourself up for a hassle or getting your ass kicked.

Never Take a Dump in Japan

Mike — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 03:31:09 +0000

This is a truly epic porta-potty prank. The first prank is bad enough, but the second version of the prank near the end is even meaner. Not that it stopped me from laughing at these poor bastards... There are a several more pranks here, some funny and some just plain stupid.

Photo Friday: 35

Mike — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 05:22:39 +0000

This week I decided to do a quick self portrait. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Black and White and (lots of!) Gray"][/caption] This time I had two challenges. First was getting my eyes into sharper focus, as the camera kept finding my goatee and knuckles first. Second I tweaked the aperture to properly blur the background, as well as positioned myself to block out the bulk of the shapes behind me. Two things will make this easier in the future: First, tracking down the software so I can tether the camera to my laptop. That will help nail down the focus instead of having to do so many test shots (and having to reset the camera between each). Second, I need to find a proper backdrop. I tried having my wife hold my open gi jacket, and while it obscured the background it introduced its own folds and shadows. Our blankets, etc., have patterns, so they wouldn't have done any good. A simple white cloth and a simple black cloth will probably provide plenty of versatility in the future. The Photo Friday shots to date can be found here.

A Simple Goal: Create Every Day

Mike — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 05:06:05 +0000

The problem with goals for word counts or page counts is I tend to beat myself up when I don't make them. I start feeling like I've failed at something, and that makes it even tougher to go back and do it again. This is a big problem when I have so many irons in the fire that I don't actually make it to the keyboard. Fact is I'm a busy guy. Between the work, the family, karate classes, kids' basketball games and concerts, trips, and other events, I have a lot going on. Every weekend this month is booked solid, and last month wasn't a whole lot better. Cramming in an hour of writing a day is not always easy. Instead I've made it a goal to create something every day. This plan dawned on me a week ago when I grabbed my Moleskine shortly before bedtime. I had an idea rolling around in my head for a couple of days, and I didn't get it to the computer so I decided to at least get it into the notebook. As I wrote it down, that idea led to another, and another, and yet another, all connected to the same story. In a matter of ten minutes I had four characters and a rough plot for what could easily be a novel or graphic novel. The hard part of writing them is still ahead, but now I've got something to make that precious keyboard time all the more effective. I can't afford to sit and stare at a blank page, wondering what comes next, for a half hour or so. This way if I'm working on The Pack book 2 and I'm stuck, I can shift gears to this project and bust out several pages or a few thousand words. I've been working on it for the whole week, and so far it's worked. I've jotted notes, I printed and edited an old short story, and I wrote responses to a couple of interviews. I've done some research, which in turn led to even more ideas on another project. Better yet, they were all done in short bursts. They were times I had a few minutes to kill, but not quite enough time to get lost in a page. (If I can't get a complete thought/scene onto a page, I feel I've lost the thread of it when I get back to the keyboard and the narrative turns to crap.) And I haven't been beating myself up over note writing. I haven't been crabby and irritable because I'm worried I'm wasting my time. It doesn't feel like work (in either a good or bad sense), but it doesn't feel like failure. So if you'll excuse me, I have a little creating to do before I crash for the night.

Don't Leave the Garage without Pants

Mike — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 05:52:36 +0000

Riding pants, that is. Ruben Torres has been running a series of articles on his Better Motorcycling blog about protective riding gear, most recently a summary of protective pants. He makes some good points, and I have to admit, proper riding pants are something I've been putting off. Part of it is expense, and part of it is I think it'll be a pain in the ass to haul leather chaps around (and I'm way too big to be wearing leather pants all the time). That doesn't make a good excuse, of course. I wear a helmet, boots, and a leather jacket and gloves most of the time, so it's pretty silly to neglect my legs. I'm looking at installing crash bars on Lenore, but they're only going to do so much. Maybe they'll help prevent a crushed ankle, but they're not going to stop asphalt from tearing into my ass like a cheese grater if I take a slide. Over the winter I started browsing the web for crash gear just for grins, and I stumbled across Draggin' Jeans on Amazon. Made by Fast Company, Draggin' Jeans are denim jeans lined with Kevlar. In a slide, the denim may give way, but the Kevlar layer holds up and prevents shredded flesh. I've been hesitant to buy because I wasn't sure how well they'd really hold up, but Ruben's post prompted me to look them Draggin' Jeans again. This time I hit YouTube and found a good video of guys putting Draggin' Jeans to the test: Better them than me. There's a longer video here, which also offers a better look at the denim damage. Looks good to me. May have to start rubbing some pennies together and see if I can't land a pair.

Mellow Morning with a Wicked Weapon

Mike — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:14:10 +0000

It's a mellow morning today, and when Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice" rolled through the iPod's shuffle deck I found the bassline especially suitable. Then I remembered the video featuring Christopher Walken and had to look it up. It makes me grin every time. Having a shitty morning? Relax, turn on your speakers, and enjoy. Yeah. This is almost better than if he spent the whole video in a wild gunfight. Almost.

The Black Glove: Interview & Review

Mike — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 04:22:58 +0000

The Black Glove just ran a couple of pieces about me and my work. You can check out the interview here. TBG contributor Karen Newman asked me about everything from my karate studies to my writing to collaborating with guys like Brian Keene and J.F. Gonzalez. Wonder what happened to Muy Mal with John Urbancik, Weston Ochse, and myself? We cover that, too. The review is here. Newman did the review as well, and the short version is she dug it. Check this out:

Oliveri doesn’t utilize the supernatural as a crutch, a testament to the strength of his writing. Oliveri has made a wonderful contribution to the werewolf mythos in The Pack: Winter Kill.

Rockin'. Ready to buy your own copy of the book? Make with the clicky. You can even get a Kindle version here.

Cowabunga!

Mike — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 05:30:43 +0000

Realized tonight there's not near enough surf guitar music on my iPod. Bummer.

Photo Friday: Portraits of a Mom

Mike — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 17:45:21 +0000

I started with one Photo Friday idea, but it just didn't pan out. The Wife was waiting for me to decide what I was going to do about it, when I noticed the way she was sitting and her expression. So I started snapping away and instead got a few portraits of her. I couldn't really decide which one I liked best, so I said to hell with it and posted all three. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Reflective Mom"][/caption] In this first one, I thought she looked like she was reflecting on the day, maybe remembering something that happened with the kids or my nonsense from this morning. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Tired Mom"][/caption] Then I asked her to just kill the smile for a second, and she looked tired, like she had just put the kids to bed and sat down for her first moment of peace, thinking "I really don't want to put away the groceries now." (Fortunately I'd already taken care of them. I rock like that.) [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Thoughtful Mom"][/caption] Finally, in this one she just looked lost in thought. I think if I absolutely had to pick a favorite, it would be this one, mostly because I feel like the light was a little more subtle. I think the only thing I might have change next time is take a little more time to set up, maybe set up the tripod and make sure I can crank the ISO down as low as possible to eliminate more of the noise. I also need to take the time to start polishing my post-processing skills so I can work a little more on noise and sharpness then.

Why Enhanced E-books Will Rock for Students

Mike — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 19:55:07 +0000

Penguin has put together a video demonstrating a collection of possible apps for Apple's iPad and similar tablet devices with touch input and e-book capability. This is very cool stuff: Once again, I think devices like the iPad will be the best way to go 1:1 with students rather than laptops or netbooks. The simple interface can be manipulated by all age groups, even before the required development for mice and keyboards. They may not be cheaper than netbooks, but they'll be easier to manage, deploy, and replace, and that may make up for the cost. We haven't preordered an iPad at the school I work for yet, but we'd like to see one in action soon. (For a previous post with a longer rant on why tablet e-books are going to rock, click here.)

Anything Goes

Mike — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 02:27:24 +0000

"What do you blog about, Mike?" I've been asked this several times, and my answer generally goes something like this: "Whatever I damn well please." I blog about things that interest me, period. If they interest you, too, you'll keep reading. If not, you'll wander off in search of something more interesting. Sure, I could separate out my interests, maybe start a dedicated karate or motorcycling page, dump my cigar reviews into a Tumblr blog, and leave my pictures on Flickr alone, but why? Those things are all me, and what is my only product? Me. Yes yes, I sell books. But unlike artists, pro photographers, movie studios, and so on, I can't sell you a book at a glance. If I post a sample chapter, it still takes a commitment on your part to read the whole thing and make a decision. Instead, I sell myself. I post all this other craziness and hope you say "Wow, this guy's pretty cool, I'm gonna buy his book." Craziness like this cool Harley commercial: Not to mention I don't have to worry about saying "this is my way-cool karate blog" and looking like a liar when the first karate post is three pages deep following photo after photo of puppies and tacos.

TP:WK -- New Low Price, New Distribution

Mike — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 03:03:12 +0000

Good news for The Pack: Winter Kill holdouts -- Amazon has dropped the price! You can now pick up the book for 28% off, or $9.32, by by clicking right here. There's also good news for those of you who aren't fans of Amazon: the book has finally appeared in the Barnes & Noble system! You can order it online, or chances are you'll be able to order the book at any Barnes & Noble store. I plan to test the store ordering as soon as possible. With luck Borders and indie stores won't be far behind.

It's Ridin' Season!

Mike — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 04:37:55 +0000

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="I'm back, baby!"][/caption] I've spotted more and more bikes on the road the last week and a half or so, too. Some guys put on their chilly weather gear and even hit the roads the first weekened of March. Every time I spotted a bike, I got excited and more than a little jealous. (And felt silly until I learned a friend of mine gets the same giddy feeling.) I haven't taken her out of town yet, but I've taken her out a couple times to get her blood going and to make sure everything's running in tip-top shape before we get out on the road. Opening the throttle, leaning into the turns, shifting through the gears... it all came back to me. After a few minutes it felt like I'd only put her away last week. Of course, next week we're supposed to get rain and cold again. Argh. Summer can't come soon enough!

Bust out the Corned Beef and Smithwick's

Mike — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 06:30:14 +0000

Hope everyone had a happy St. Patrick's Day! What's that you ask? Why is a wop celebrating an Irish holiday? Because my mom's family is Irish. Best of both worlds. And yes, I prefer Smithwick's over Guinness. Deal.

The Future of Publishing

Mike — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 16:27:29 +0000

A great video for those of you living in fear of digital publishing: Like it or not, digital publishing is here to stay. The movie and music industries went through it, and now it's our turn. Adapt or die.

On Customer Service

Mike — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 05:05:06 +0000

Customer service is simple: make it as easy for customers to hand you money as possible, and make them happy to do it so they keep coming back. A local bike shop doesn't seem to understand that. I bought my helmet there, happened to see Lenore at the same time, and bought her about the same time. Those were a matter of convenience and luck, respectively, and by the time I added new tires and saddlebags to Lenore, I dropped a good buck there. Return visits have been for simple things, but asking simple questions about those simple things appeared to be an inconvenience for the owner. This week I cracked open Lenore and decided I need to replace the air filter. I called the same local shop, asked if they have them in stock, and got a quick negative and the guy started to hang up. I asked if he could order it. An impatient yes. I said I'd stop down and order it, and the answer was pretty much "Okay, *click*." Alright, then. Time to find someone actually interested in my money. I called Grayboy on Prospect in Peoria Heights, got their parts department. I told the guy what I needed. He asked if I needed any other parts, then checked their stock. When he returned he politely informed me it was out of stock but he could have it in three or four business days. I asked if he could order it right away, and he said I could order it over the phone. They even had my name in their system already from when I bought some gloves a few years ago. Now I'll be stopping in there on Tuesday to pick up an air filter and spend even more money on oil, an oil filter, and an oil filter wrench. That wasn't so difficult, was it? I don't need my ass kissed, but I'm more than willing to hand over money to someone who's willing to find a way to take it. What's more, it will give me a chance to drool on a 2010 Honda Shadow Phantom: I have no reason to upgrade yet, but I kinda dig that blacked-out look. I'm just reserving judgment until I see it in person. Word is they have the Fury in stock, too. The faux-custom thing doesn't do much for me -- I prefer a beefy cruiser to the stripped-down chopper -- but it might be fun to kick the tires.

Customer Service: Round 2

Mike — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 03:14:45 +0000

Got the call from Grayboy today, four days earlier than expected: my air filter came in. Sweet. I went out to Peoria Heights to pick it up, and found the in-person service as friendly and helpful as on the phone. They got some more money out of me as I purchased an oil filter, filter wrench, and oil. Tomorrow I get to play amateur mechanic. While I was there, I browsed the showroom. The Phantom, unfortunately, did not look quite as sharp in person. The Fury, meanwhile, looked much better, especially in black. Here's a look at the Fury: Still may not be the bike for me, but I do dig it. It was like the Harley Iron 883: the black denim didn't grab me in photographs, but when I walked past one in a bar's parking lot, it really caught my eye. Which reminds me, I need to take a ride out to the local Harley dealership to sniff around sometime...

Photo Friday: Stupid Cat

Mike — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 04:13:04 +0000

I'm teaching in karate class tomorrow, so I decided to just grab a quick pet portrait shot. I got down on the floor and got in the cat's face, and this is the result. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Our cat, Ninja"][/caption] Want to see something neat? Click through to the Flickr page and click on Original Size, then look at her pupils. You'll be able to see me and the camera reflected in her eye. It amazes me that the camera can capture that level of detail. Lesson learned: get my ass out and take a picture before 11pm. Better yet, don't wait until Friday to take the picture. (To be fair, though, I took a different picture on Wednesday but it didn't turn out and I didn't have an opportunity to retake it.)

Breaking Bad is Back!

Mike — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 01:47:07 +0000

If you're not watching Breaking Bad, you need to start. Created by Vince Gilligan, the guy behind a number of the better episodes of The X-Files, Breaking Bad is one of the best dramas on television right now. It's dark, it's gritty, and it's loaded with great characters. Here are the first few minutes of the first episode of the series: There's enough action to go around, but the series is primarily character-driven. The main character is a high school science teacher dying of lung cancer. His wife is pregnant (and has the baby in season 2), his teenage son is handicapped, and his teacher salary just isn't paying the bills, so he hooks up with a former student, a drug dealer, and starts cooking meth. Good meth. He wanted to cook and be left alone, but pretty soon he's drawn into the whole thing, dealing with distribution and sales problems, and kingpins not wanting him cutting in on their territory. Oh, did I mention his brother-in-law is a DEA agent? Yeah. Wicked stuff. Tune in!

Tablets & Comics

Mike — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 03:20:35 +0000

Reading comics on the iPhone or iPod touch is cool and all, and it's nice to grab some titles for free or for a buck. However, it's a different experience from reading a single or an OGN. While most comics adapt just fine, you're still dealing with limited screen real estate. The iPad and other tablet readers, however, could really be a game changer. Check out this iPad concept by the guys at comiXology: Comics by comiXology iPad concept from comiXology on Vimeo. Reserving final judgment until I have an iPad in my hot little hands, I can see that experience approximating the real thing. I don't mind reading comics on a desktop or laptop, but it's still somewhat limited in flexibility. Reading from an iPad or other tablet, however, is a little more natural. Like a Kindle, I can see carrying it about anywhere to do some reading. And unlike the Kindle, a tablet has a lush, full color display and more flexible page/panel control. I'm curious to see who else starts distributing comics, too. Will graphic novels start showing up in the iTunes store? Or Kindle native now that there's going to be a Kindle tablet app? There will be some competition among reader apps at first, sure, but I think the best of the best will rise to the top. I can see Apple or Amazon buying one of the little guys and absorbing their technology into a branded app. Maybe some of those coders/developers become middle men instead, setting up a service to adapt comics to a given electronic format and get them into the electronic distribution chain for a nominal fee. The main reason I want to try it? I don't have a local comic shop. The one closest to being convenient has poor stock and poor service, so I get my books mailed to me once a month from another shop. Sometimes I fall behind and my boxes stack up, but the real pain of it is I can't shop around to see what's out there, or just stop in and snap up a book I've heard great things about. (Viking is a perfect example: by the time I contacted my shop, the book was unavailable.) With the Diamond/Previews system, I have to hope the shop ordered extras of books I missed or forgot about. I can't imagine I'm the only one in this situation, either. There are a lot of readers whose LCS only stock superhero books or books by the Big Three and just ignore indie books. A lot of shops are card & collectible shops who just happen to carry a few comics and don't keep pull boxes for their customers. A solid e-comic app would save a lot of frustration and heartache. At any rate, this will be the true test for the success of digital comics. E-books have been attempted several times, but it took a truly useful device like the Kindle to make them work. Now we may finally have that killer device for comics. Webcomics, PDF distribution, and iPod comics have found their niches, but I think the tablet is the first device with the real potential to have an impact. I guess we'll find out soon.

Now I Feel Gullible AND Guilty

Mike — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 22:02:41 +0000

I just watched the following video called The Story of Bottled Water, discovered at Boing Boing: I try to limit my bottled water consumption anyway. With rare exceptions, I only buy cases because I can get 24 bottles for less than $3.00 versus the $1.00-$1.50 gas stations and supermarkets charge for single bottles. We filter our tap water at home, but it's more convenient to have bottles handy at work and at the karate dojo. Furthermore, I recycle every one of those bottles by taking the empties to the town recycling bin. I tried to refill a bigger bottle for a while, but it broke after three days. Time to start rethinking my plan. If the video's recycling comments are correct, recycling isn't yet having near the impact we're led to believe it is. And while I keep my bottle consumption to a minimum, I'm still going through many more bottles than I should be. I didn't sweat it so much when I lived back up north and our town's water was horrible with radon and the occasional bacteria spike, but my new home's tap water is just fine, especially after it's run through the filter we put on the faucet. I'm not usually a big environmental nut, but it's hard to argue that I've been sucked in by corporate marketing. Even if I'm not completely buying into the "I need bottled water!" message, I've at least become lazy about carrying my own water around. I need to do some shopping after karate tonight. I think it's time to look for a good, sturdy, refillable bottle. The little metal ones we bought our kids to carry to school are a good start, I'll just need to look for something bigger. I'll probably update this post with what I find, if anything. UPDATE: Some friends recommended the following bottles: Klean Kanteen WaterWeek I may check those out. In the meantime I bought a simple, BPA-free, 32-ounce plastic bottle with a carrying loop. 32 ounces should get me through most karate classes, and worst case I just fill up from the dojo's tap. I did see a nice metal bottle with a plastic screw top and a carabiner, but it only came in a nasty orange color. I can afford to be vain until I spot one in black or blue, right?

Midget's Homework 1

Mike — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 20:10:59 +0000

Midget's Homework 2

Mike — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 20:11:43 +0000

He Comes By It Honestly

Mike — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 20:28:57 +0000

Today the Midget's teacher sent an email to the Wife. It went like this:

"I'm sending a paper that Tim did this A.M. It will be stapled to his Agenda page. Would you please take a look at it and let me know what you think?"

Being both a parent, a student at some point in time, and now a staff member for a school district, I know that notes like this are a Bad Thing. I assumed it had something to do with zombies, blood and death, but one never knows with the son of a horror writer. Naturally, I couldn't wait to read it. Turns out, I wasn't terribly far off. This is his paper on "What I'm going to do for Spring Break" complete with the teacher note: [caption id="attachment_4206" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="What can I say? It's in the genes."][/caption]

I couldn't help but laugh. This is the kind of thing I did to my teachers. Couldn't figure out an Algebra equation? Draw a little head with the top of his head blowing off, complete with mushroom cloud.

No zombies. He did, however, choose to get through the assignment as fast as possible so he could turn over the paper and draw a rocket ship with a gun and a guy running away from what's supposed to be an alien:

[caption id="attachment_4207" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Of course there has to be death, or at least the promise thereof."][/caption]

The only thing that pisses me off about this one is he appears to like drawing aliens and rocket ships, but can't be bothered to read the copy of How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way I bought him. Grr.

Nurse

Mike — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 16:16:37 +0000

Rhino Nurse

Mike — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 16:58:22 +0000

Insurance Exam Advice

Mike — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 17:07:28 +0000

I had a life insurance exam on Tuesday. The nurse came out to my house to do her measurements and collect blood and urine, and it wasn't quite the experience I expected. As such, I thought I'd share a few tips for those of you who may face one of these exams yourself in the near future. 1) First of all, the nurse will not look anything like this:

[caption id="attachment_4212" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Helloooooo, nurse!"][/caption]

Any dreams and desires that enter your head, just squash 'em right now. Chances are you're getting a charging rhinoceros.

And thank God, Buddha, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whatever it is you hold dear that she isn't required to watch you pee.

Which segues into...

2) Seriously, don't drink a lot of water. I woke up at 6:30am and emptied the tank, then commenced drinking water so I'd be ready for the nurse at 8:00. I lost track of how many glasses I drank, but my belly was full by the time she showed up. Turns out she only needed about an ounce. She poured what she needed into two little test tubes and I spent the rest of the morning visiting the can more often than an old man with a prostate the size of a grapefruit.

3) She's not going to look anything like this, either:

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="358" caption="Dream on, fella."][/caption]

I can't stress this enough.

4) The nurse will make small talk, but she is clearly in charge. The conversation will go like this: "Got kids? Awesome, me too. Stand up. Take a deep breath. Stand on this scale. No pets, huh? Oh, a cat? Cats suck. Sit down. Give me your arm. This is gonna hurt."

And so on.

I suggest you don't make her angry.

Rhinos charge when they're angry.

5) They usually don't have to take your temperature, but I suggest a few offerings to the deities that it stays that way, because we all know what the most accurate method for obtaining a human body's temperature is, and that will only end in tears when it happens at your own kitchen table and there's a perfect stranger on the giving end of the thermometer.

6) YOUR NURSE WILL NOT LOOK LIKE THIS:

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="245" caption="I... I need to go lie down now."][/caption]

7) You're going to bleed. Can't stand the sight of your own blood? Wear a blindfold. When I had an exam five years back, the nurse jabbed the needle straight into the tendon at the base of my biceps. This time around? I bled like a stuck pig and the bruise is still fading four days later.

8) The nurse will make herself at home. Don't get me wrong, she's not going to raid your fridge (as long as you don't turn your back), but she's used to visiting several homes and offices every day. To her they're just another building, and she will come right in and find the nearest available surface upon which to set up shop unless you have your cattle prod charged and ready.

9) Don't look her in the eye. That's a sign of aggression.

10) Say hello to your nurse:

[caption id="attachment_4214" align="aligncenter" width="340" caption="I SAID DON'T LOOK HER IN THE EYE!"][/caption]

I survived, and hopefully with the help of these tips, you'll survive your exam, too.

And now my corpse is worth about five times what my living, breathing, (mostly) ambulatory body is worth.

Don't tell my wife.

Photo Friday: Little Bird & the Alien

Mike — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 00:52:16 +0000

This week we staged a quick photo based on a fortune the Little Bird got at a Chinese restaurant: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Run, Little Bird, run!"][/caption] If you click for the full-size, you'll see the fortune says "An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly." Best. Fortune. EVER.

An Interview & Assorted Updates

Mike — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 03:19:05 +0000

Things have been going well for The Pack: Winter Kill so far. Things have been quiet on the review front in the last few weeks after a strong start, but we're still waiting to hear from a few publications we sent copies to. Judging by the almost daily fluctuations in our Amazon sales rank, sales have been at least steady if not building momentum. I'd like to thank those of you who have been spreading the word, too; please keep it up! Meanwhile, I recently did an interview with Comics Bulletin, which you can read right here. The interview includes a few pages from Big Bad Wolves, the short comic that will be appearing at Evileye Books soon. It was a fun interview to do, and I think you'll enjoy it. The BBW art is by Mike Henderson, by the way. Browse his blog, he's got some good eye candy over there. My next scheduled interview is an Internet radio interview with The Parafactor on May 20th. They're a live, paranormal call-in show, and lately they've been interviewing horror writers like Brian Keene. I'm looking forward to this one, and keep an eye here for more details because you should be able to call in and ask questions. We're still looking for an artist for the first The Pack OGN, Chimaera, so I encourage artists to send portfolios or samples to Evileye Books. Yes, they pay. Promptly. Prelim work on the follow-up to The Pack: Winter Kill is still moving along. I'm moving into Spring Break this week and I hope to have everything finalized by then and to complete the actual writing soon. We're aiming for fall for this one, but that's going to depend upon me turning in the manuscript in a timely manner. Right now I'm punching in the edits for a short story called "The Malice Engine". Wish me luck, as I will be submitting it to an anthology before I crash out tonight. This story has sold once and I've been paid for it, and though the book it was to appear in never saw print, maybe the story still has some magic left in it. Busy busy busy. As always, I'm looking to up my game and I'm getting a few things lined up. More news soon.

Support Friends, Win Stuff

Mike — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 14:18:16 +0000

A couple of my buddies are putting out some new projects: First up, Jon Merz is relaunching his website tomorrow, and he's celebrating with an all-day giveaway bonanza featuring his work and the works of other authors and friends in the businesses of books, TV/film, and martial arts. Shoot on over to www.jonfmerz.net for the full details and your chance to win a free autographed copy of The Pack: Winter Kill! Also, Steve Bryant, the creator of the killer pulp series Athena Voltaire, has launched a Kickstarter campaign to fund his next book, Athena Voltaire and the Volcano Goddess. Kickstarter is being used by a number of creators to get funding for independent properties, and is a great way for fans to ensure their favorite books will continue to appear. The more you pledge, the more cool swag you get! Check 'em both out. You won't be disappointed.

The Discovery of Process

Mike — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 03:20:58 +0000

There's a dearth of hotties in bikinis, but I'm still rather enjoying Spring Break this year. Most school breaks, I try to spend them as though I'm a full-time writer: I'll put in plenty of keyboard time, then spend a few hours taking care of housework or whatever else I've been putting off. Usually it works out well, and I get some solid progress done on a project. This time around has been a bit different. Part of it is I allowed a few other things to derail my time. For starters, the rugrats are a little older and a little more active. Also, when I go full time I also would like to hit karate more often, but I didn't take into account the travel time and the other stops and errands I add to those extra trips. Finally I decided to finish prepping both the motorcycle and the grill for the season. Long story short: if I'm going to write full time, my time management is going to have to get much better. It's already lacking during the regular work weeks, but this is just irritating. Fortunately I can still regroup with the remaining days. That's not to say I haven't gotten any work done (that whooshing sound you just heard was my editor at Evileye breathing a huge sigh of relief). I squeezed in some work here and there, even while on errands or grabbing a quick bite (I love my Moleskine), and I solved a few plot and character issues. I also have the luxury of staying up later and being able to work at night while it's quiet in the house. Sitting down on the front porch, tapping out this post on my iPod touch with a cigar in hand, I've come to a few of conclusions about my writing. 1) I really do love doing this. I'm as excited about new ideas, characters, and stories as I ever was. Creating is just plain fun, and though the business side can be aggravating sometimes, it's not as aggravating as the network switch at work that decided to fail in the middle of Spring Break and leave the district bookkeeper and a few teachers playing catch-up unable to get their work done (and thus ruining my Wednesday afternoon). 2) I've reaffirmed I'm a night owl. I spent a couple of nights up past one or two in the morning and slept 'til eight or nine, and I got more work done and have felt more energized and positive. Doing those late nights and getting up at 6:30am for the day job just doesn't cut it after a few days, and it does little to help my day job or the writing gig. I really, really need to find a way to take this full time. 3) I'm not as slow a writer as I think I am. The ideas for the second Pack novella have been percolating in my head for some time now, but it wasn't until recently that everything started to gel. I may not be happy with my keyboard time, but what happens is eventually something goes click, and all the little pieces fall into line and form the big picture. Better still, in the case of this series, they even link right in to the overall continuity, fueling the future and bringing clarity to the past. When I do chain myself to the keyboard, it's that much easier to pound away and turn in a solid first draft. That's an important key. Part of the problem with my trunk novels is I just charged ahead without a clear picture of where things were headed. I may have had solid ideas, but the execution just wasn't there. The little details that are so important to the stories fell flat. Maybe it's time I stop calling these delays procrastination and understand that maybe this is just my process. Everyone has a method that works for them, be it a specific way or place they have to write or a given method for getting the words onto a page, so maybe it's just taken me this long to grasp my method. Some of my best work has been done by sitting on things and then making a mad rush before a deadline, and to be honest, I didn't feel all that rushed at the time I punched the keys. Sure, I needed to hurry to make deadline, but the words were already there. It's easier when the key-punching feels more like transcribing notes than creation, and the work is probably better for that. Does that make sense or did some wiseass spike this cigar at the factory? I've never fully bought into things like writers block and waiting on one's muse. Maybe they're just an easy way for writers to say they just haven't sorted their shit out yet. I can't say I haven't thrown those terms around, but they always felt like the literary devices they are. They're our job bleeding into our lives. Heavy stuff. Now if you'll excuse me, this cigar's almost done. I have more percolating to do.

Photo Friday: Percolatin'

Mike — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 04:32:48 +0000

I get asked about process by other writers from time to time, so in light of yesterday's blog post, I decided to make today's Photo Friday a self portrait with a glimpse into a portion of my process. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="How the magic happens."][/caption] If you click on the picture you'll find some notes on the Flickr page, but in a nutshell, this is pretty much what the planning and editing parts of my process look like. The Moleskine is primarily used for brainstorming and for capturing ideas as they hit me. I might just jot down some random thoughts, or I might do some rough outlining; it all depends upon what's in my head at the time. In this particular case I've printed out the near-complete outline for an upcoming book and I'm comparing it to my notes. I might punch them into the computer right there if the changes work, and I'll also proof the outline itself. During the editing process, I might or might not have the notebook or laptop handy, but I'll use the pencil to proof and rewrite before keying the edits into the computer. I never proof on-screen because it seems like I catch more typos on a hard copy than electronically. The laptop is usually handy for quick access to online reference sources, Google for important data, and especially my growing Evernote collection. Evernote is more for organizing critical plot data and keeping continuity in check. I do keep a separate series bible, but most of the individual pieces of data are in Evernote for easy access and tagging. Last but not least is the music. I can use the iPod touch for Internet and Evernote access in a pinch (especially if I'm on the road and can find a wi-fi hot spot), but I most often use it for music. It helps to have some noise on hand to help tune out other distractions and keep me focused, and the Skullcandy in-ear headphones do a great job of noise reduction. If I'm working at the iMac instead, where I try to do most of my actual writing, I'll have music running on iTunes (my writing playlists usually include music without lyrics, such as movie scores). And there it is: more than you ever wanted to know about how I get things done. Aren't you glad you asked?

TP:WK on Ommus's iPad

Mike — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 03:53:46 +0000

The Pack: Winter Kill hits the iPad

Mike — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 04:05:16 +0000

My editor at Evileye Books just downloaded the Kindle version of The Pack: Winter Kill to his shiny new iPad:

[caption id="attachment_4229" align="aligncenter" width="384" caption="Now that looks sharp."][/caption] I'm told it reads just like it does in hard copy. I might be getting my hands on an iPad in the next few months (we seriously want to evaluate them at work), so I can't wait to see it for myself.

The nice thing about digital editions is we can pack them with extras that aren't feasible in print. Some of these things may not work so well on the black-and-white Kindle itself, but given the Kindle app is available for desktops, laptops, iPhones/iPod touches, and now the iPad, well, that really creates some opportunities.

Keep your eye on Evileye, because things are really getting exciting.

Sometimes, It's Just That Time

Mike — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 19:13:24 +0000

Ominous Skies

Mike — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 21:41:58 +0000

A little bonus photo: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="Not funnel clouds, but not clouds I'm used to seeing"][/caption] When I fired up the grill, we had clear skies. Half an hour later, we had what you see above. The winds picked up, the temperatures dropped, and the clouds rolled in and took on these strange shapes. There was no lightning and there were no warnings on the weather sites I checked, so I wasn't too worried about it, but I'd never seen clouds behave like that in person. I grabbed the camera and took the photo abobe. If I hadn't been grilling some steaks, I might have jumped on Lenore and taken a ride out of town to get some different pictures. Maybe next time. As it was, not five minutes after I brought the steaks inside, the rain finally arrived. It didn't rain hard or last very long, it just rolled through long enough to make everyone nervous. Of course, as I type this I got a weather pop-up: now we are under a tornado watch. Ahh, Spring in Illinois...

Today's Random Soundtrack

Mike — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 05:07:02 +0000

It's funny, but even my kids love this song.

C2E2

Mike — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 03:50:19 +0000

Due to some home events I'm only going to make it to the Chicago Comics and Entertainment Expo on Saturday the 17th this year, but that should be enough time to get a feel for this renewed Chicago comic convention and to meet up with a few people. Though it's only one day, I'm excited to see how the convention plays out. This one's in Chicago proper, it's at a larger venue (McCormick Place), and the reports from the other Reed-run shows like the New York Comic Con are always very good, so I imagine it will be a fun con. I was hoping to bring my son to his first show at this one, but with only one day there it's going to be all business. Evileye Books and I still need to recruit some artists, and I'll also be speaking to my editor about future plans for The Pack, so chances are once we do that and meet up with a few other folks, it will be a packed day. I've updated the Appearances page accordingly. It's looking sparse right now, but I've got some things in the works for late summer or early fall out East. And yes, we still need to nail down something for Chicago, we just haven't been getting much love from Chicago retailers yet. Hope to have news there soon. Meanwhile, I need to keep plugging away at Book 2. Hope to run into some of you at C2E2!

The Horror Fiction Review Covers TP:WK

Mike — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 14:22:27 +0000

The best part about Google Alerts? They notify me when reviews of my work show up online. In this case, The Horror Fiction Review covered The Pack: Winter Kill and gave it four out of five stars. Sweet. Here's part of what the reviewer Colleen Wanglund had to say:

In this first book in a planned series, Mike Oliveri lays out a crime story with the promise of the supernatural mixed in and he delivers. ... It is Mr. Oliveri’s take on the werewolf tale that is fed in small doses to keep the reader coming back for more.

Full review here (scroll down about halfway). I'm in good company, too: Joe Hill, Nicholas Kaufmann, Peter Straub... even a few other werewolf books. Not too shabby. Remember, if you're not into ordering from Amazon, Barnes & Noble online stocks it now, too. If B&N online has it, then you should be able to order it at a B&N retail store as well.

(Late) Photo Friday: Moto Photo

Mike — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 04:02:24 +0000

Friday's Clutch concert and the ensuing chaotic weekend were not conducive to photography, so I'm posting late. Of course, I did post a bonus photo last week, so things balance out, yes? Tonight I noticed the sun blazing orange in the sky and decided to jump on Lenore and shoot some pics from the saddle. I mounted up and drove west on a wide-open, rural road just north of town, then fired away. I didn't get too fancy, but in the spam of about five miles I snapped 140 pics. I slurped the pics over to the laptop, then narrowed it down to three I kind of liked. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Shadow at Sunset"][/caption] In this first one, I stopped at an intersection for a moment. Those tracks in the ground are from a farmer's tractor, probably having rolled across the asphalt either shortly after the road was resurfaced or during an extremely hot day. The next two I shot while in motion, the first off the left side of the bike... [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Look Ma, one hand!"][/caption] ...and the second off the right side. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Hey, who's on the throttle?"][/caption] See those speed lines on the asphalt? That's why you're not supposed to look down when riding a bike; your brain can't process the environment changing that fast. Occasional glances won't hurt when you're running in a straight line, but it's really not a good idea when you're turning or threatened by a loss of control. I cranked up the aperture and shot in aperture priority mode so I could achieve a deep depth of field, ideally keeping everything from the bike's tank down to the ground in focus (aside from the motion blur, of course). I'm very happy with these as a first attempt. Lessons learned: 1) Sunlight changes fast. In just a few minutes, I went from having plenty of light for the settings I selected down to having some serious underexposure issues. Next time I'll have to stop and reset my camera settings from time to time. 2) When you can't look through the lens (I'm not ready to pull a Josh Kurpius and stand on the foot pegs, no matter how cool his pics are), AI servo focus and continuous shooting mode are lifesavers. 3) While amber goggles throw a nice layer of clarity onto the world in twilight conditions, effectively brightening the scenery, it's important to remember the camera isn't wearing those same goggles. Want the camera to have that same clarity of vision? Buy a lens filter.

R.I.P. Peter Steele

Mike — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 14:28:15 +0000

Woke up to reports Type O Negative singer and bassist Peter Steele died of heart failure at age 48. I've seen the band live three or four times, both as headliners of their own show and as part of larger music festivals like OzzFest. I enjoyed their music and really dug Steele's deep vocals.

Photo Friday: Obsolescence

Mike — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 04:05:33 +0000

This is what obsolescence looks like: a table full of VHS tapes. We're participating in the town-wide garage sales this weekend, and a big part of our sale is old VHS and audio cassette tapes. They've been sitting in storage beneath our stairs for a good two years now, and we don't even have a VCR hooked up anywhere anymore, so it's about time we try to move them. I do have a stereo in the garage with a cassette deck, but I never play the cassettes because I don't have the patience for rewinding and fast forwarding, and I can connect my iPod touch to the same stereo. So why piss around with analog magnetic media at all? On to digital it is. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Priced to move! Get 'em while they're hot!"][/caption]

I've discovered, too, that running a garage sale table is very much like running a convention table: people walk up, either sneer at your prices or your goods, and walk away. Sometimes you'll get someone excited about a few titles, but then they'll walk away without purchasing anything.

All I care about is moving the stuff so I don't have to store it again.

Of course, part of the problem is I live in a conservative community and my tastes don't exactly mesh with theirs. A number of them fawned over the Wife's old copy of Anne of Green Gables, but then shrank away from Evil Dead and Reservoir Dogs as if they were on fire.

No matter. Tomorrow it's the Wife's problem as I'll be at C2E2. It's for the best anyway, as people were a lot more responsive to her because she could actually tell them about the romance novels she was selling. I would just grunt and say "You can save yourself a few hundred pages of Victorian boredom with this copy of From Dusk Til Dawn."

She also won't do things like:

Tell shoppers Se7en is a religious flick
Tell shoppers I Spit On Your Grave is about female empowerment
Swap that Legend of the Overfiend tape into the The Lion King box
Tell that old lady that her 8-year-old grandson will love those Anthrax tapes (hey, my kids do!)
Giggle when the Mennonites stumble across the Black Sabbath tapes
Insist Brian Keene's The Rising is the only book of that title that counts
Forget she's sitting at a garage sale table and yell at drive-by browsers, asking "What the hell are you staring at?"

So yeah, she should have more luck than I did. With luck I'll come home Sunday and she'll have a fat wad of cash in hand, and I won't have spent the same at C2E2.

Rest in Peace George Scithers

Mike — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 20:26:58 +0000

I was sorry to hear about the passing of George Scithers, a former editor for Weird Tales magazine. Unfortunately I've never met him, but I have exchanged a few letters with him while submitting stories. He was one of few editors I received personalized rejections (and advice) from when I was first getting started ten or so years ago, and while I never cracked the pages of Weird Tales, I always appreciated his notes and at one point was thrilled when he referred to a previous submission in one rejection. I sent him a few chapter samples and a synopsis of a novel once, too. I don't recall now whether he was looking to publish or agent work, but he gave me some great advice on it, too. That novel will likely remain a trunk novel, but the interaction was one of the things that encouraged me to keep on trying and to keep improving my game. That kind of feedback is rare in an editor, especially for young rookie writers. Thanks, George. I'll never forget that.

Domo Arigato if I Want To

Mike — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 14:33:52 +0000

We having solar flares today? Sudden huge rush of computer complaints from all around the district. Doesn't appear to be network related, it's either communal symathetic stupidity or energy flux from outer space. I'm guessing it's the former. Let's rock.

Earth Day: Save a Tree, Buy Digital

Mike — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 14:48:41 +0000

It's Earth Day! Why buy a paper copy of The Pack: Winter Kill when you can get a Kindle digital copy delivered instantly? It looks just as sharp on your Kindle reader, your desktop, or your iPhone/iPod touch/iPad as the real thing! And hey, go recycle something, too, eh?

Your Modern World: Slutquake!

Mike — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 20:30:34 +0000

According to an Iranian religious leader, promiscuous women cause earthquakes. Too many girls tramp it up and hit the town? God puts His foot down. Uh huh. Guess I better start speaking to some people about that Illinois earthquake a couple months back, and tell the school board they better set up a burkha budget before the next quake hits. Oh, and we'll have to watch for California to slide into the ocean on Monday when the Boobquake hits! Really, Iran? These are the people you want ruling your country? Nothing like keeping a nation under your thumb with fear and superstition. Oh, right. I forgot some people want that for us, too.

C2E2 Saturday

Mike — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 22:18:13 +0000

Driving in to the convention on Saturday afternoon, Ommus and I saw a wide open parking lot on the north side of the convention center and worried the con was a bust. The first few hallways we walked down were likewise empty, and the line for tickets was only ten or fifteen people long. If you pre-ordered a ticket, there was no line and there were five bored staffers waiting to help you out. Not a good sign. We went upstairs, though, and our fears were alleviated some. We immediately fell in love with the wide aisles and easy travel, but it looked like there were several fans and cosplayers browsing the exhibitor booths and artists alley. We ran into friends almost immediately, and that set the trend for what proved to be a fairly intimate day despite the crowd. In fact, I spent most of the day talking to friends, meeting some guys I've only spoken to online, and generally standing around and shooting the breeze. I heard varying reports on the con's success level. Most of the creators seemed happy, but a number of the dealers and exhibitors sounded a bit disappointed with sales. I thought the exhibitors' layouts looked great, though, and though there were only about half as many dealers as usually show up for Wizard World, there were several presses I haven't seen in Chicago before such as Oni Press. I would like to have seen more of the exhibitor booths, but just didn't have the time. A consistent favorite, however, was the Archaia booth. They set up a reading lounge complete with comfy chairs, coffee tables, and some little tchotchkes to play with, then flanked it with bookshelves loaded with hardcover books and dropped an island in the center for the cashier. People lingered there, and it was better than just walking by and staring at posters. I walked away with The Killer and Okko hardcovers and some free Mouse Guard floppies for my rugrats (Robotika should have been right up my alley, but it just didn't grab me when I flipped through it). That, of course, is my limited perspective. You can get a broader picture of the con all across the blogosphere, including the showrunner's wrap-up here and some insight from several exhibitors here. I do look forward to hitting C2E2 again next year, and if the Evileye catalog is beefy enough by then, maybe I'll be able to park my ass behind a table for a while. If you're a comics fan and skipped it this year for whatever reason, I think you should make a point to get out there next year. I don't think it's going to replace Wizard World so much as supplement it. Visit Wizard World for the shopping and celebrities, but visit C2E2 for comics culture.

Brian Posehn is More Metal Than You

Mike — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 17:38:46 +0000

I went out for lunch and heard Brian Posehn's new song "More Metal Than You" on Sirius. Hilarious if you're a metal fan! Uh, not safe for work. "Gene Simmons was my mohel, I'm more metal than you!" \m/

Photo Friday: Karate

Mike — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 05:46:50 +0000

It was graduation night at the Academy of Okinawan Karate, making this week's Photo Friday entry subject a no-brainer. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Mr David performs the Go Pei Sho kata"][/caption] Tonight the school's newest black belt, Mr Jason David, was the featured graduate. He performed three times, demonstrating an empty hand kata, a kobudo (weapons) kata, and put on a board breaking demonstration. I cranked up the ISO to help freeze the action a bit, so there's a bit more noise in the photos than I'd otherwise like, but I feel like I'm really starting to get then hang of focusing with my 50mm prime lens and taking advantage of the available light rather than fumbling with a flash and trying to time shots. You can find the rest of the tonight's pics in the complete graduation set, including more pics of Mr David performing a sai kata and breaking some boards (or, more accurately, allowing a third-degree black belt to break boards on him).

Eye-Special Order Form

Mike — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 21:47:15 +0000

Eye-Special-Order-Form

Mike — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 21:48:32 +0000

Beer Fest!

Mike — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 02:32:01 +0000

I dropped by the Peoria Jaycees International Beer Festival Saturday night, and I think I've found a new annual, must-attend event. With over 100 beers available from 40+ local, national, and international vendors and home brew groups, there's bound to be something there for everyone. The setup is simple: you buy your entry ticket and they give you a four-ounce glass. You then buy drink tickets ($5.00 for 8 tickets), and you go from table to table for samples, getting one drink per ticket. They also have live music, a few food vendors, and if you want to get touristy, they have t-shirt, glasses, and other tchotchkes. My friends and I had a great time just hanging out and sampling the brews, but I've come to the conclusion I've made several rookie mistakes I won't mistake next year. First off, I should have listened when I was told the alcohol sneaks up on you. Halfway through our expedition, we started looking a little closer at the beer labels. Some were your typical 4-6% alcohol by volume, but a few brews shot all the way up to 8% or more. One table, in fact, insisted on pouring everyone their "Russian answer to Colt 45" because it promised 9.5% alcohol. A consequence of the latter is it becomes tough to remember what you've had by the end of the night, and what you liked and didn't like. I remember enjoying Monty Python's Holy Grail, as well as a fruity-but-tasty ginger beer I don't remember the name of. I remember thinking Sherwood Forest's Archer's Ale was a bit drier than I like, and Atwater Block Brewery's Double Down was better than their Dirty Blonde. Legbiter Ale from Ireland's Strangford Lough Brewing was good stuff, too. I know I sampled more than that, but that's all I can remember at the moment. I should have brought my notebook with me. It was raining pretty hard when we arrived, so I chickened out and left the Moleskine in the car so it wouldn't get wet. It would have been nice to jot down a lot of the beers' names and what I thought about them. Guess I'll have to visit Peoria's Super Liquors and see if their massive beer selection will jog my memory, and see if they stock any of the good stuff I do remember. On the food side, I discovered J and J's jerky. Coming out of the Chicago 'burbs, these guys put out a nice selection of jerky for sampling and purchase, and while most of it was pretty standard, their jalapeño and habanero bbq w/cheese flavors really stood out. I bought two sticks of each, but that's not going to cut it. Must. Order. More. I ran into a couple other friends in the main hall, one of whom, it turns out, is a ten-year vet of the event. We made a few more friends waiting in line at the porta-pissers (once you break the seal, it's all over), and we learned there are some smokers the rain just can't stop. We learned you really don't want to mess with Peoria cops, and if you drop and break your glass, prepare for a loud chorus of jeers. (For those wondering, I still have mine; a friend dropped hers.) Rinse stations and dump buckets are your friend, and it's probably a good idea to wear a dark-colored shirt for when the crowd jostles you and you spill beer on your shirt. This is their 18th annual show, and I can see why it's so successful. I'm already looking forward to next year's.

Winter Kill Orders Made Easy

Mike — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 03:25:59 +0000

For those of you not into ordering books online, Evileye Books and I have put together a simple form you can take to your favorite retailer to place an order. Just print out the form, hand it to the folks behind the counter, and wait for your book to arrive!

[caption id="attachment_4266" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Click the pic for the full PDF form"][/caption]

The form contains everything they'll need to know to place the order, be it through their own system or directly from Evileye. We have confirmed Barnes & Noble is filling special orders placed in stores, but if you're a Borders fan or you have a favorite local, independent dealer, they'll be able to use the information attached to get their hands on a book for you.

Even if you already have the book, we'd appreciate it if you delivered the form to your favorite retailer anyway. We're big fans of word of mouth, and if you put in a good word for the book, maybe the management will order a few copies for their other customers.

If there's anything else we can do to help get books into your favorite stores, please let us know!

Little Women and Werewolves

Mike — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 17:00:31 +0000

I'm Officially Trying Too Hard

Mike — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 17:26:16 +0000

Today J.F. Gonzalez pointed out the existence of this book:

[caption id="attachment_4271" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Just... Just kill me. Please."][/caption]

When does this stop? A wiser man than I recently said:

"Talent sustains and bullshit fails to sell after a very short while."

I hope so. Look, for all I know, this Porter Grand guy crafts better prose than any other writer on the planet. The part that bothers me is this remix stuff is just so easy. Apparently all I have to do now to land a Del Rey or other mass market contract is take an old book and throw in monsters.

The Bride of Frankenstein's Scarlet Letter. BOOM! Where's my check, bitches!?

Or better yet, maybe I'll start a new trend: everything with ninjas. Uncle Tom's Ninja, or maybe The Ninja and the Pauper. When that crapfest trend dies down, I'll step it up with the pirates: The Picture of Dorian Blackbeard. I'll make mad cash and retire to a Caribbean island.

This business never ceases to amaze me.

Now Invading Borders

Mike — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 02:21:27 +0000

Mr Ommus from Evileye Books has just learned The Pack: Winter Kill is now showing up in the Borders catalog! Stop in at your local Borders store and you'll be able to order my book. Very, very cool. Now all we need is their buyers to notice us and start stocking the book on the shelves. [caption id="attachment_3822" align="aligncenter" width="350" caption="You know you want it."][/caption]

That gives you three ways to get our hot little hands on my cool little book: Amazon; Barnes & Noble online; and via special order in stores. If you are going to order through a store, be sure to grab a copy of our retailer order sheet and the clerk should have all the information needed to place your order.

The online price is a few dollars below cover at the moment, but you're probably going to give that back in shipping fees unless you're ordering a few books at a time or you have an Amazon Prime account. You can also take comfort in knowing your in-store order is going to be a huge help to Evileye and I; the more in-store orders, the more likely it is a buyer will notice those orders and take a closer look at the book.

Then you'll find it that much easier to get a hold of book 2 later this year!

2 Days to Free Comic Book Day

Mike — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 16:21:39 +0000

It's Free Comic Book Day this Saturday! Drop by your local comic shop and pick up some free goodies. Not sure where you can find a comic shop? Use the zip code-based search on their site. This year's freebies include the first issue of Oni's The Sixth Gun by Cullen Bunn and Brian Hurtt, a supernatural Western series. I've been looking forward to this one since the guys told me about it and Cullen showed off some of the artwork. I think Cullen just upped his game from The Damned with this one, and Brian's really bringing his A game with the artwork. I'm not ashamed to say I'm a bit jealous of this one. This book is going to kick some serious ass, and Brian and Cullen are only building on an already strong partnership. I'm already looking forward to what they're going to do next.

Photo Friday: Egg Drop

Mike — Sat, 01 May 2010 03:55:10 +0000

The Squirt's class had an egg drop this morning, and I stopped over to take pictures as the custodian dropped box after box off of the roof. I took a nice picture of the custodian and one of his drops, flanked by the Squirt and one of his friends in the foreground. Unfortunately something went wrong with the camera or my card and those pics were among 16 corrupt images from the shoot. Unfortunately I didn't know that until I tried to upload them to the laptop a few hours later, so that was both photos and an opportunity lost. As such I'm going to cheat a bit and post two other pics from the event. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="We have liftoff!"][/caption] I kept it simple this year, bundling the egg in a bunched-up plastic bag and enclosing it in a small ice cream tub. I dropped it from the ceiling as a test the night before and it survived fine, so I used the same setup for the actual event. The wind blew hard as the custodian took the eggs and their vessels to the roof. The kids cheered every launch, and some of the vessels landed with a crunch, some with a splat, and some with a soft thump. Some were made of coffee cans, some boxes, and some egg crates. Most were packed with paper & plastic, while another was packed in gelatin and yet another surrounded by bags of water designed to burst and absorb the impact. I'm no engineer, but I had confidence in my design based on the ceiling drop. The plastic bag had plenty of pockets of air to absorb the impact, and the flexible carton offered some room for crunch. The Squirt had little confidence, though, as before the drop he was one of only two students who felt their egg wouldn't survive the impact. Too bad he was right.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption=""Whoa! His brains fell out!""][/caption] Fortunately we packed our fragile test pilot in a separate Ziplock bag so he didn't make a complete mess when we extracted his remains. He's now interred in a Dumpster out back of the elementary school. Lesson learned: format the damn card more often. It filled on me as I fired some continuous shots to catch some of the drops, and I had to hurry and erase several old pics. I must have interrupted the erasing process, as several of the older pics were showing up as thumbnails with "unable to display" error messages. I cleared those out, finally got today's pics to download to the computer, but still lost several as I noted above. I suspect if I'd cleared the old pics before hand rather than rushing it on-site, I'd have been fine.

Living Like the Shark

Mike — Wed, 05 May 2010 15:19:31 +0000

Apparently I can't just sit down and relax. I have way too much to do and not enough time to do it. I can't believe it's May already. I can't believe it's already Wednesday this week. I blink and another day is gone. I have another book to write, two more short stories to write, and I'm developing one webcomic and planning another. I'm practicing to make Ikkyu (first degree brown belt) in karate and am trying to pump up my home workouts in general. And oh yeah, there's that family I like to hang out with. I feel like a shark: I can't stop moving. If I stop, nothing gets done and everything's behind me. The song of the day:

Photo Friday: Shooting From the Hip

Mike — Sat, 08 May 2010 04:00:23 +0000

Your eye doesn't always have to be behind the camera to get a good shot. I rather like this tight portrait of my son, and I shot it from about hip level as we were standing up. I just aimed the camera at him, he looked over at the camera, and I gave the camera half a second to focus then fired. No flash, just the available light the 50mm prime lens could capture indoors. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption=""Really, Dad? Again with the camera?""][/caption] Note the narrow depth of field: the nearest part of his face is in focus but the edge of his right cheek is blurred. This lens gets down to a 1.8 f-stop, which is great for low light but can be hell on focusing from time to time. A good part of shooting from the hip is luck, as I was only able to partially reproduce a shot like this with my daughter despite several attempts. That's not to say it wasn't worth a shot, especially with a digital camera where bad shots can be dumped on the fly. No post processing on this. I really need to brush up on my post-proc workflow, but I just don't have time. Some day...

RIP Frank Frazetta

Mike — Tue, 11 May 2010 01:58:50 +0000

I was sad to hear fantasy art legend Frank Frazetta passed away today. I remember picking up one of the Death Dealer novels based on the strength of its cover art, the iconic "Death Dealer" painting. I remember little about the novel, but after seeing more and more Frazetta art, I quickly became a fan. Hell, I even seem to remember basing Dungons & Dragons scenarios around some of his paintings. (Yeah. I was one of those geeks back in the day.) I've been told you know you're getting old when all of your heroes start to die. Given those who have died the last few years, I guess I'm starting to push it. Some guys on Twitter have been saying Frazetta's now painting some kick-ass fantasy paintings for God. I'm not a religious guy, but you know, I like the sound of that.

Pick Up The Sixth Gun

Mike — Tue, 11 May 2010 02:46:58 +0000

Missed picking up that copy of The Sixth Gun by Cullen Bunn & Brian Hurtt I recommended for Free Comic Book Day? No problem: CBR's Robot Six has you covered. They have the first issue in its entirety, as well as order information for the second issue in the series. Let me tell you, these guys have a hit on their hands. Cullen says they moved over 850 copies at a signing in Austin that day, and fans who missed out are already begging Oni to print up some more. It's a worthy follow up to their book The Damned, which itself kicked all form of ass. I can't wait to see what these guys do next, but for now I'll be content to savor The Sixth Gun.

The Un-Zen of Computers

Mike — Wed, 12 May 2010 16:35:33 +0000

I can't count the number of people who either beg me for computer help or tell me I should be fixing computers as a side job. Truth be told, I could probably keep busy at it, and bring in a few bucks. But I'd be miserable. When someone hands me a computer, they're not just handing me a chunk of metal, they're handing me their headache. Sure, I may have a better idea of how to soothe that headache, but it's a headache for me nonetheless. That computer is just as slow, just as broken, just as virus-riddled for me as it is for them. People compare computer repair to automotive repair, but this is a bad analogy. Most of the time, the problem with an automobile is mechanical: the mechanic swaps the brakes, replaces the alternator, maybe rebuilds the transmission, and the car's ready to go. If it were truly like computer repair, the mechanic would swap the brakes and they'd fly apart in a week. He'd replace the alternator, and the battery would stop holding a charge. He'd rebuild the tranny, and third gear would be inexplicably missing. See, when we take out some viruses, they sometimes take part of the system with them. Or they just won't go away and we have to reinstall from scratch, which is like tearing everything out from under the hood and replacing it all just to fix a funny noise. There may be Zen in motorcycle engine repair, but there's nothing Zen about computer repair. There are things that work just fine on one computer, but refuse to work on an identical system because one file you'll never find got corrupted. It becomes a time suck because you have to reboot every time you try something, and you have to sit and wait for system updates and virus scans to finish (which the user often couldn't be bothered with). Troubleshooting isn't detective work, it's searching Google and praying some poor bastard smarter than you already ran into the problem and found a solution. Then comes dealing with the human element. Sure, most of them are thrilled their computer's fixed and are happy to write a check, but every so often you get the assholes. They tell you to go ahead and reinstall Windows and assure you there's nothing on the system they need, then flip out because junior's graduation pics were on there. They get the computer back and threaten to throw it out the window because it's still slow. They expect you to work miracles with their eight-year-old piece of shit and threaten to tell everyone they know that you don't know what you're doing. I deal with enough of that in my day job. Why would I want to invite that into my personal time?

Rugrats in the Morning

Mike — Thu, 13 May 2010 13:34:47 +0000

Any of you non-parents ever wonder what it's like to get rugrats up and going in the morning? It's a lot like this: They're conscious and awake, but they have zero sense of urgency. "I have to be at school in five minutes? That's cool. I have plenty of time to put my shoes on, brush my teeth, find my lunchbox, find my jacket, and chase the cat around. And oh, check out this sweet level on Lego Star Wars! I'm fighting the Emperor! Did you know it's raining out? Whoa, lightning! Hey, where'd you put my shoes, Mom? Hey, Power Rangers is on! Why'd you turn the TV off? I was watching that! My shoes are on... oh, wait. Hey, that's my jacket! Dad, you can't leave yet, I can't find my lunch!" Every. Single. Morning.

Photo Friday: Going Mobile

Mike — Sat, 15 May 2010 04:18:02 +0000

I decided to inject a little marketing into this week's Photo Friday. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Whatever you've got, there we are."][/caption] Thanks to the magic that is Amazon Kindle, you can get a copy of The Pack: Winter Kill on most mobile devices. Here we've got a MacBook Pro, an iPad, an iPod touch, and my wife's Kindle. If my particular BlackBerry had been supported, I'd have slipped it into the picture, too. I did a simple photo setup on this one: I arranged the devices, used an old curtain for a backdrop, and bounced the flash off the ceiling. I could probably have used another light source on the touch and the Kindle to brighten them both up, but I didn't have anything available. (I'd buy some more lighting rigs, but I wouldn't use them near enough to justify the expense.) Of course, if you'd rather carry around a few slices of dead tree than a collection of bits, there's still the paperback edition! All you have to do is order it from Amazon or Barnes & Noble, take this form to your local retailer, or just wait a few days until I get my bookstore up and running (from which you'll be able to buy a signed copy direct from my office, ooh ahh). Okay, pimping and photography done. I need some sleep after last night's boilermaker outing kept me up 'til the wee hours of this morning.

The Kindle: Five Months Later

Mike — Sun, 16 May 2010 03:57:37 +0000

I bought the Wife a Kindle for Xmas last year, and it occurred to me I never followed up on the original blog post to see how the Kindle stands up to long-term use. The short version? She still loves it. She now has 80 books on it (including mine, of course), she's skinned it, and she uses it daily. She's gone back to a paperback book exactly once in that time, and only then because she didn't feel like repurchasing a book she already owned. She's read in bed, in the kitchen, on the couch, and outside, and she hardly ever has to charge it. It was weird seeing the sort of screen saver image on it all the time, but we've gotten used to it. Initial concerns over the contrast, eye strain, and so on have all proven non-issues. She's also found it's easier to read than dead tree editions. Even modest mass market paperback begins to feel heavy after a time, and so does the Kindle. However, she's found she can lay the Kindle flat on the table and keep reading. That's just not going to happen with a book, and even if it did lay flat, on many pages you have to deal with reading around the curvature of the page into the spine. Bookmarking and navigating through books is a snap, and with Amazon's setup she's able to delete and re-download titles at will. Most of all, she likes not having to wait for hardcover new releases to hit paperback and not having to pay hardcover price for them. At the rate she reads, the savings becomes well worth the investment, with or without the convenience of instant delivery and having less clutter on the bookshelves. I recently got my hands on an iPad, and I look forward to comparing the experience. I first intended to use the native iBooks app, but I've actually been impressed with the Kindle app instead. I started by downloading my book for free, as I'd already purchased it for my iPod touch. Just for kicks, I downloaded it to my MacBook as well, and as you can see from yesterday's post, I loaded it up on all three devices. Even cooler? The other devices recognized where I had left off on the iPod touch and asked if I wanted to jump to the same page. That's a nice bonus for someone who hast to share a Kindle and wants to read a book on a mobile device or computer when the other person has the Kindle. I think it's high time I checked out some of Victor Gischler's work, so I'll be starting there. His books Gun Monkeys and Go-Go Girls of the Apocalypse: A Novel are both available on the Kindle and should make fine reading on the plane during a trip next month. Incidentally, Go-Go Girls is available on iBooks, as is Vampire a Go-Go, each for the same price as on the Kindle, but again, the wider availability of devices gives the Kindle app the edge and the general functionality appears to be the same. Being able to control the screen brightness from within the app is a nice feature of iBooks, but I'm not sure (yet) that it's going to be a killer feature. In any event, the continued fear of digital books from some readers amazes me. I'll admit it's counter-intuitive, but I think digital reading is now at least as convenient and comfortable as paper books, if not moreso. People are snapping them up, and now even Borders has jumped on the bandwagon with their own reader. As someone who continued to buy paperbacks while the Wife went digital, I'm now looking forward to trying it myself with both books and comics. I'm sure I'll ramble on about it again in the future.

RIP Ronnie James Dio

Mike — Mon, 17 May 2010 02:12:57 +0000

I've written way too many of these damn things this year. Today I was sad to learn Ronnie James Dio died, succumbing to stomach cancer after a five-month battle with the disease. He was only 67 years old. I grew up listening to this guy. Whether with Rainbow, Black Sabbath/Heaven & Hell, or Dio, I counted myself a fan of his work. "Rainbow in the Dark", "Holy Diver"... the song list goes on and on. Just some damn good, classic metal. By all accounts he was a super guy, too. John Roling did a college radio interview with Dio, and they chatted for several minutes after the on-air interview was finished. Paul Legerski has a great picture of himself, his wife, and Dio backstage that still hangs in my office at work as a Christmas card. It's hard to believe he was fifty years old in that video, but even in recent years that signature voice never wavered. I saw him live just a few years ago, and it's easily one of my favorite concert performances. The metal scene lost one of its greatest figures today, and the world lost a good man. May he rest in peace.

Reminder: The Parafactor Thursday!

Mike — Tue, 18 May 2010 13:25:41 +0000

This Thursday the 20th I will be on the Internet radio show The Parafactor at 10pm Central/11pm Eastern! Visit www.theparafactor.com for details and to listen in live. I'll be following Brad Steiger, author of Real Zombies, the Living Dead, and Creatures of the Apocalypse. Tune in, jump in their live chat, or better yet, call in to the show and ask a question! I'm sure it will be a good time.

Riding Season & Religion

Mike — Wed, 19 May 2010 19:29:13 +0000

The weather around here really went to crap in May. Those of us who ride motorcycles were able to get out early thanks to some warmer weather in April, but most of this month has been dreary, cold, and rainy with the occasional storm. We could have toughed it out (and I spotted a few guys who did), but after being spoiled by the early warmth most of us just sat around and stared out the window. It's easy to spot riding season in Illinois because you start seeing motorcycles everywhere. In the central and southern parts of the state, there are a lot of wide, open roads to cruise, and you'll see riders of all ages and genders riding just about every style of bike there is from cruisers and sportbikes to trikes and touring bikes. The yellow ABATE "Start Seeing Motorcycles" banners start showing up along the busier roads, and the local dealerships start running out of stock on their less expensive models. This is also when you start seeing "blessing of the bikes" ceremonies. This is like a small rally where the group will get a priest or a minister to say a prayer and put a blessing on everyone's bike. Blessing isn't really my thing, but I do think it's an interesting part of riding culture. It reminds me a bit of the way Shinto priests bless electronic gadgets like cell phones so they don't get lost, damaged, stolen, or suffer some other misfortune. If they feel safer or more comfortable on their bike, then more power to 'em. (Provided, of course, they don't go overboard and think they're invincible.) I only learned about them a year or so ago when I found a riding club in Bloomington, IL, held them frequently, and it turns out they're a very common practice. In fact, somebody put one together the next town over. I thought about checking it out and taking some pictures but I had to be out of town that day. Too bad, as it might have been fun to see. I would have rolled through the line if only to talk about it, though again it's not something I put much stock in (my own superstition is naming my bike). Maybe next year. Though I guess I better take that Flying Spaghetti Monster sticker off my bike first...

The Digital Craze

Mike — Thu, 20 May 2010 04:01:57 +0000

The digital publishing market has just exploded over the last couple of months. I've hardly worn the newness off my iPad and now we've got Barnes & Noble entering the e-reading app fray, Borders about to drop their Kobo ereader (which Wired is already calling a possible Kindle killer), and even a new device called the enTourage eDGe (their ridiculous use of caps) that looks something like a Kindle strapped to an iPad. It doesn't stop there. Amazon may keep their sales figures quiet, but it's clear they're enjoying a fair amount of success and it was only a matter of time before Barnes & Noble responded with their own e-publishing arm. Realistically they're more digital distributor than digital publisher (individual authors and small presses like Evileye are technically the publishers), but that line gets fuzzier when they sign exclusive authors. Now I wonder how long before Barnes & Noble -- maybe even Borders -- jump into the POD market, too. It appears Amazon will be the first with an official Android reading app, though, and as the first to understand the store is the real killer feature, they're just going to keep pushing the envelope. You don't stay the leader by waiting to see what the other guy is going to do next. Which reminds me of the Sony Digital Reader. There are several ideological and some technical advantages to being open, but it just doesn't have the convenience of Amazon's WhisperSync. Sure, my wife's a bit bummed she can't loan a book to her mother or her sister, but to her it's hardly even a nuisance as it's far outweighed by the system's advantages. (It also doesn't help that, in my experience, the Sony reader is slower on refreshes and somewhat awkward to navigate.) This eDGe thing is technically interesting, though it strikes me as more prototype than product at the moment. Here's their intro video: They obviously have the best of both worlds in mind. However, why do I care about being able to scribble on the eInk display if I've got the tablet right next to it? In watching the usage, it doesn't appear it has an accelerometer, and the interface seems slow compared to the iPad's (which to me suggests it will be underpowered). For my taste, a touchscreen has to be instantly responsive to be worthwhile (a test the Nook also failed). Ommus called it ugly, but what really bothers me is you can't use a simple protective sleeve on it and hope to flip it open, and when it is flipped so the screens are back-to-back, you're always going to have one screen face-down when you put it down. How rugged are the surfaces of their screens? I don't know. I'm sure this is more subjective opinion than objective, but I really don't see the need to carry a two-in-one device. I'd be content to carry one device that nails it's job than something that, for the moment at least, may be playing catch-up in two categories. Battery life and outdoor reading are the only real advantages of eInk, and the iPad's battery life is long enough to make the eInk advantage negligible. So now I'm paying the same price for what may be an inferior device just so I can read outside? No, probably not. I'm sure there are more in development, and we have yet to see what some of the iPad competitors will bring to the table. Anything with a reading app -- be it Kindle, B&N eReader, or something like Stanza -- is now an e-reading device. Battery life is getting longer, processors are getting smaller and faster, storage is getting cheaper (or is effectively replaced by cloud storage in Kindle's case), and displays won't be far behind. We can call it a craze for now, but I'm thinking soon this will be the status quo. I still don't believe they'll replace paper anytime soon, but I do see a future where paper books become more about collectibility and nostalgia. They'll be to the next generation what vinyl records are to us.

Well Hello There, Parafactor Fans

Mike — Fri, 21 May 2010 04:45:22 +0000

I imagine a few of you are clicking on in after listening to my conversation with the guys at The Parafactor this evening. Welcome aboard! I had a great time, and I hope I didn't sound like too much of a tool. Thanks again to those of you hanging out in the chat room. I thought about trying to keep up with both the chat and the interview, but in the end I know I'm horrible at multitasking and would have ended up punching keys instead of talking horror flicks and Lovecraft. It was a fun time, and I'll definitely have to link the show when they post it to their website. I fully expected to be talking about the paranormal, but it was just a great conversation we could easily have had at bar instead of on the air. That's what makes a great show as far as I'm concerned, and I recommend folks check them out. (And though I fall more into the skeptic category regarding the paranormal, I do enjoy that sort of thing. The geek in me never left, I just give him a swirley from time to time to keep him in line.) So browse around, kick the tires, and maybe next time I'm on the show I'll remember to mention there's a small reference to Bigfoot in The Pack: Winter Kill.

Photo Friday (on Monday): Carnation

Mike — Tue, 25 May 2010 03:30:38 +0000

Sometimes the first shot is all you need. I was at work on a DVD and photo slideshow on Friday, so while it was rendering and burning I thought I'd try to set up a basic flower closeup. I took a few test shots, then set up the tripod and started playing with the exposure triangle: the aperture, the shutter speed, and the ISO. I tried a few things with flash and some long exposures, and tried a few different angles. After all that time, shot number one looked the best on the screen. Go figure.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Enjoy. It'll be dead soon."][/caption] Lessons learned: 1) Try to take the pic before the Wife cuts the stem (or use a clamp or something to get the glass out of the picture); 2) Invest in a decent, black backdrop of some kind instead of the old, wrinkly, navy blue curtain that's sun-bleached on one side.

Introducing Deacon

Mike — Wed, 26 May 2010 03:56:08 +0000

Check out this video interview of Bernie Gonzalez, creator of The Hard Easy coming soon from Evileye Books. It's a crime/noir series featuring a guy named Deacon, who sounds like my kind of character. Like The Pack, Deacon's tales will be told in both prose and graphic novel formats. Yes, obviously this is coming from my publisher, too. But from what I've been told about the book and what I see here, I'm excited about this one. Evileye has a lot of cool things in the works, but this one may just claim the top spot in my to-read pile. Plus Bernie's good people. You'll dig him.

The Parafactor Interview Audio is Up!

Mike — Wed, 26 May 2010 04:07:54 +0000

The crew at The Parafactor radio show have posted the audio for my interview from Thursday night. You can check it out here, or download the MP3 right from here. I should mention the conversation is not work-safe. We had a lot of fun with this one.

Time to Knuckle Down

Mike — Thu, 27 May 2010 04:30:54 +0000

It's been a hell of a day. It started with a crashed server at work. It took a turn for the better this evening when I burned through two more steps of my karate review process, leaving me only sparring and ju ju undo to complete to earn Ikkyu, or first-degree brown belt. Then it ramped up again when I got some good news from Evileye Books, which I hope to share with you in the coming weeks. It means more work, but that's a good thing. Now I'm all amped up and need to burn off some energy. A belated song of the day:

Photo Friday: Legacies

Mike — Mon, 31 May 2010 18:29:16 +0000

I delayed Photo Friday this week so I could take some pictures at the anniversary banquet for Shihan Joseph Walker on Saturday night. The banquet celebrated his 50th year practicing the martial arts, and several of his students from the Academy of Okinawan Karate, including many of the 40 black belts he promoted during the Academy's 30 years in operation, were in attendance. I didn't take near as many pictures as planned because I was running the slideshow and helping with the video presentations, but I made sure to grab a few photos of the Kamiza. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="The left side of the Kamiza display"][/caption] The kamiza is the highest seat in the room, often the north wall. In a martial arts dojo there is often a Kamidana Shinto shrine placed on the kamiza, and it's the wall we bow to upon entering the dojo. In the Academy of Okinawan Karate dojo, a cross replaces the kamidana and students are encouraged to bow to what they believe in. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="The right side of the Kamiza dispaly"][/caption] When a student is promoted to black belt, the school holds a kamiza ceremony where they formally join the other yudansha in the top spot in the dojo. The new black belt brings a bottle of sake to share with the other members of the ceremony, and Shihan keeps the bottle for use in future ceremonies to represent the other black belts. The bottles were set up at the banquet hall to represent the school's history, and the legacy Shihan has created so far in promoting 40 black belts in the school's 40 years of operation. The weekend went very well, and Peoria's Journal Star ran a nice article congratulating Shihan on his 50 years in the martial arts. The banquet was followed by a selection of seminars on Sunday afternoon, and by all accounts everyone had a great time. I feel fortunate to be part of such a great school, and while I intend to celebrate earning my Ikkyu (first degree brown belt) rank very soon, I look forward to the day I'll earn the right to add my own sake bottle to Shihan's collection.

Photo Friday: Elvis Kicks Ass

Mike — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 04:17:25 +0000

This was taken with a cell phone, but I couldn't resist posting it as this week's Photo Friday entry. A good photo is a good photo; the camera doesn't matter.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="Elvis no esta muerto."][/caption]

Meet Chris. He trains at the same dojo I do, and he's probably the most enthusiastic student on the mat. He loves karate, he loves Elvis, and he always brightens up the dojo with his spirit.

Chris also has Down's syndrome, and he has a hard time learning new things. However, he more than makes up for it in determination and effort. He's busted his butt to earn that yellow belt and those stripes, and he asks us every day what he needs to do to earn that last stripe and that next belt. He's a good reminder that hard work pays off. When he doesn't earn his stripe during review, he doesn't get discouraged. He's disappointed, sure, but he just shows up for the next class and works even harder. He asks for extra help, and he applies what he's learned as best he can.

Progress is a result of effort, not time.

A lot of people could learn from his example.

A Winter Kill Review

Mike — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 04:23:00 +0000

My librarian recently put me in touch with Michael Cart, a past president of the Young Adult Library Services Association and author of My Father's Scar. I sent him a copy of The Pack: Winter Kill and he was kind enough to provide the following review.

Mike Oliveri, winner of the prestigious Bram Stoker Award, combines horror and mystery in his riveting new novel Winter Kill, the first in a projected series that will delight fans of fast-paced noir fiction. Writing in the tradition of the hardboiled crime novel pioneered by Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler, Oliveri pulls no punches in this hard-edged novel of gun-running and murder. What makes his novel memorably unusual is not only its realistic treatment of crime but also its additional element of horror, featuring the current runaway popularity of werewolf fiction. Altogether, these many exciting elements combine to make Winter Kill a howling success!

Comparisons to Hammett and Chandler? Nice! Reviews have been very positive so far. I'll have to be sure to stay on top of my game as I finish book 2.

I'm Baaa-aaack

Mike — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 19:25:22 +0000

It was a long and much-needed vacation, but I'm back home and behind they keyboard. If you've been following me on Twitter or via my Flickr photostream, you've seen some of the things I've seen and done. Many, many more pics are forthcoming. Of course, if you weren't following either Flickr or Twitter, you probably thought I croaked or something because once again Twitter Tools didn't post my Twitter digests as blog posts. I hate seeing long gaps in posts, and that was supposed to fill the void. Unfortunately it hasn't worked since they upgraded their stuff, and I can't upgrade my WordPress because my hosting company is holding me hostage (trying to get me to buy an expensive package), so I'm probably going to dump them and try another host. Which means another downtime period in the coming weeks while things switch over. Ah well, it'll be worth it. If you ever have an opportunity to visit Hawaii, go. We had a great time on the Big Island and we've already decided it's somewhere we'll want to visit again. Wonderful weather, plenty to see and do, and generally just a great place. The Wife and I both joked about moving to Kona, and after a minute or two, we weren't sure we were really joking. I wonder if the schools out there need a good tech director...

Photo Friday: Hawai'i Karate

Mike — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 04:35:22 +0000

I may have been out of town last week, but I took a bajillion pictures. Tonight I selected one to be part of my Photo Friday collection, a simple shot of the group of karateka after a morning workout on the beach.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="Karateka on the beach"][/caption] A total of 13 of us went to Hawai'i together, and as it was organized by our karate school and the majority of us were karate students, I thought this would make a great entry for the collection. Not so much for it's photographic value, but for its sentimental value.

This was shot on the beach near the Outrigger Keahou hotel in Kona, Hawai'i. We worked out here every morning at 6am, with the exception of the last day where we went down to the Magic Sands beach and got down into the surf.

Photo Friday: No Cheatin'!

Mike — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 04:40:33 +0000

I tan more than I burn, and every year I end up with a pale line under my wedding ring. This summer, thanks to the Hawai'i trip, I got the line a bit earlier than normal.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="You're not fooling anyone, fat man!"][/caption]

If you look closely, you'll see the line. Every year, the Wife and I joke that this means I can't hit the bars and pick up chicks any more.

Oh, and the best part of this pic? Doing the shot when I was done.

Bike Envy

Mike — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 02:58:27 +0000

I love Lenore. I really do. But today I was idling at a stoplight when a dude rolled up next to me on a sweet, black Harley-Davidson Fat Bob. The rider looked over at me, looked down at my bike, gave me a nod. The light changed and he roared off. It was like being in the boys locker room again, looking around with that awkward, inadequate feeling you have before you learn there are showers and growers and maybe you're not so bad off after all. Lenore's a comfortable ride and I'm sure we'll be together a long time, be it for financial reasons or otherwise, but man, I was sorely tempted to take the left turn onto I-74 and ride out to Walters Brothers HD to do a little Father's Day drooling. Instead I just reminded myself of the small bike mantra: It ain't the size of the bike that matters; it's how you ride her.

Karate on the Beach

Mike — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 03:40:21 +0000

Every day for the week we were in Hawai'i, we met at 6am for a karate workout on the beach. I didn't look forward to getting up every morning, but once we got rolling it was very invigorating. I'd return to the hotel ready for a shower and hungry for breakfast, but full of energy for the day ahead.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="Wa-taaaahhh!"][/caption]

Running kata in sand was very different from the carpet, mats, or even grass I'm used to. I expected the sands to shift beneath my feet, but I didn't realize the surface would be different every single time I ran a kata. One step would be fairly solid, the next would be wet mush. I'd plant my foot in a mound to get a good footing, then I'd jump and land in a hole left from a previous kata. It was challenging and a tough workout, but it was also a lot of fun.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="Throwin' Down"][/caption]

After kata, we ran our wazas, which are sets of prearranged responses to attacks. The sand didn't make as much of a difference there, only landing on sand after a throw or fall isn't quite as soft as you'd expect. Slapping is a little more like hitting water, where if you hit it too fast it doesn't quite yield right away and you get a bit of a sting.

On the last day we took things a bit farther. We visited a different beach, and we got right down into the water. We ran kata with waves crashing down around us, then again went on to our wazas and even added sparring to the agenda.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="Plowing through the sand for a double punch"][/caption]

Kata in the sand then felt like practice for kata in the ocean. The currents pushed and pulled as we moved, and oftentimes the undertow would wash the sand out from under our feet. One moment I'd have firm footing to execute a kick, the next I have to hurry up and move before I lost my footing completely and fell over.

And yes, we did get smoked once. We were standing there running kata at one point and a seven-foot wave came rushing in at us. We braced ourselves as best we could, but it knocked us right on our asses. The Wife was laughing too hard to catch all of the action, but you can see the aftermath here.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="Finish him!"][/caption]

Sparring on the beach was also a lot of fun. We had to time our attacks with the current, we had to keep moving in the shifting sands, and we used our environment by throwing water at one another for distraction. I never did get close enough to my opponent to try to sweep him, but we traded blows and I came out the winner.

Many martial artists recommend practicing in a variety of environments, and I'd like to recommend sand and water become a priority. I've run kata in pools at various depths in the past, but the beach was a whole new experience. On the physical side, it engages several more muscles to retain balance and execute technique. On the mental side, it requires a lot of focus to anticipate shifting surfaces and time movements with the current. A beach may not be convenient for many people, but if the opportunity should present itself, don't let it slip away!

As an aside, be glad I can't push scents out to you through the Internet. A karateka's belt is supposed to retain the blood, sweat, and dirt of his practice, so we never wash our belts. I dried my belt in the sun, but the ocean has given it a rather unique funk and an almost greasy feel. I'm told it will fade in a couple of weeks, but I feel sorry for the next person I roll in a Judo match with.

I don't know when I'll be able to afford a return to Hawai'i, but when it happens, I'm sure I'll be right back on the beach. I can't wait.

And Knowing is Half the Battle

Mike — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 04:43:26 +0000

I killed Lenore's battery today. I have a bad habit of hitting the engine kill switch, getting distracted, and then leaving the bike's ignition on. (This is usually someplace safe, like home; otherwise I obsess over the key.) In this case I rode over to a friend's place, and he's got a sloped driveway. I had to move the bike around to find a level spot to park it, and by then I forgot all about the key in the ignition. Forty-five minutes later my hand went to my pocket, and I noticed the key was missing. I went out and found it in the ignition, and when I tried to start her I got nothing but clicks. Swell. I first figured I'd have to jump it, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to jump a bike with a car. Not to mention it would be damn near impossible to get the connectors onto the battery terminals anyway. Then I remembered learning about bump starting the bike by popping the clutch: It's really the only option besides having my wife bring over the trickle charger, then return for the bike in a day or two. I intended to practice bump starting at some point anyway, so I decided I may as well give it a shot. This is where my friend's sloped driveway came in handy. I pushed up to the top, found 2nd gear, rolled, popped the clutch... and vroom! I half expected to shoot across the street and break my neck, but it was actually very smooth and easy. I forget what first prompted me to look up bump starting, but I'm glad I did. I tend to read up on riding tips, and in this case it saved me a lot of trouble. Now Lenore is back home and sipping electricity from the battery minder, and she should be back in action tomorrow. And there you have it, fellow bike rookies: Ever wondered how to handle a dead battery? Now you know.

Photo Friday: The Wood Shop

Mike — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 04:11:13 +0000

A friend of mine is good with wood crafts, and he asked me if I'd like to visit his shop and take some pictures for Photo Friday. He needed pictures for his website, and in exchange he'd let me keep the wooden rose he made for the shoot. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="Teeth"][/caption]

In addition to the basic portrait-style shots of him at work, I wandered around the shop and shot a few extra pictures for both his site and Photo Friday.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="Sawdust"][/caption]

The project and shoot took about an hour. I stuck to one lens because I didn't want to get sawdust in my camera, and I went back and forth using the flash. He had a window in the shop that brought in some really nice, natural light, and he had plenty of tools and earlier projects around to take pictures of.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="Nativity"][/caption]

I got to thinking it would be nice to have a skill like carpentry that I can make a little money off of. Something I could show up at events with, sell a few pieces, maybe take a few commissioned projects.

Then it dawned me: I've got the whole writing thing to do that with. Duh.

Photo Friday: The Wallflower

Mike — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 04:20:00 +0000

I had a unique photo opportunity last weekend. The Wife's cousin got married, and at the reception he and his mom came to me and asked if I could take pictures of the cake cutting, the first dance, and so forth. Turns out the (alleged) pro photographer skipped out on them, saying she didn't expect the reception to go so late. She returned a few minutes later for the cake cutting, but then was gone again before the dances. I planned on taking pictures anyway, but I wasn't about to turn down an opportunity to get front and center on the action. (Normally I'll defer to the pro so the couple gets way they pay for.) I started with several pictures of the groom and his side of the wedding party smoking their cigars out on the deck over the lake at the reception hall. A short time later the first dances started, and I covered everything from the couple's first dance through the bouquet and garter tosses and then several shots of the guests relaxing and having a good time. Near the end of the night I snapped this: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="Nobody wants to dance with the Little Bird."][/caption]

She looked so quiet and lonely, like a school girl flying solo at the homecoming dance, so I snapped a picture. I was very happy with the way my external flash bounced the light off the ceiling. This was actually shot in a fairly dark room, but you'd never know it from this picture or many of the others I shot.

In this next shot, I felt a little more creative:

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="The Bride & Groom"][/caption] As we entered the church and the reception hall, someone ran a slideshow of pictures of the bride and groom from various points through their lives. When the dances started, the DJ switched over to more of a standard lightshow setup on the projector. When the couple took to the dance floor for their first dance, I asked the DJ to put the pictures back up on the wall as I thought they'd make a great backdrop to some of the pictures. I didn't intend to share any of the wedding pictures publicly, but the above is a good example of how some of those pictures turned out. Lessons learned? Always have the camera outfit ready! If I'd opted to travel light with just the camera body and my prime lens, I wouldn't have been able to capture the remainder of the evening for them. Fortunately my new camera bag makes carrying my kit a lot easier. Next I'll have to invest in another media card or two, though, because I had to do some culling on the single card I brought. I shot several pictures at break day in karate class that same morning and didn't have time to dump them to the laptop, so the card was already almost half full when I arrived at the wedding. Another 2GB card or maybe a larger one and I should be good to go.

It's Friday!

Mike — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 14:56:38 +0000

It's been a long, tough week, but it's Friday, I've already got my workout in, and I'm in a fantastic mood. Let's rock.

Photo Friday: Break Day

Mike — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 06:51:16 +0000

I'm a week late with this one. I intended to post it last week, and I was going to save tonight's shots from my karate school's graduation as part of this week's entry, and tomorrow we're hitting a hot air balloon festival, but my schedule's been completely thrown off by work (including a day trip to St Louis), a house full of extra kids all week, and some general chaos. And pics didn't work out tonight as I ended up helping out with graduation instead of taking pics, so the Wife handled the camera for me. Given I gave her zero guidance beyond "Just point and shoot, hon!" I don't figure I can claim them for Photo Friday entries. Anyway. Here's what you missed last week: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="Sensei Miller breaks three boards with an empi strike"][/caption]

My instructor demonstrated a break at the end of the basic class, and he broke three boards with an elbow strike. He actually started from a standing position and dropped his elbow onto the boards. These are 10x12" pine boards, 1" thick. Not easy to break, necessarily, but safer than things like bricks, patio blocks, and coconuts.

I used a 50mm prime lens so I wouldn't have to mess with flash. I got a little bit of motion blur, and next time I may try setting my own shutter speed to try to get a little more. There's a fine line between capturing the subject in focus and getting the blur of the action.

Break day itself was successful, though, and you can see more pictures here. You can see me holding boards for some of our students, and you'll find my break, a basic stomp kick where I broke three boards. Next time I'll try three with a hammer fist or elbow, not sure which yet.

Now I'm going to get some much-needed sleep.

Officially an Ikkyu

Mike — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 04:27:41 +0000

Friday night, I was officially awarded the rank of Ikkyu, or first-degree brown belt, in Shuri-ryu karate at the Academy of Okinawan Karate. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="The director of the school, Shihan Joseph Walker, and myself"][/caption]

The black stripe down the center of the belt signifies the next step is Shodan, or black belt. This means I'm done testing for rank for a while, and it's up to me to keep going to class, refining my technique, and helping other students until the big test comes.

Ten years ago, I never would have imagined I'd come this far. I've learned a lot, and I'm in the best shape I've been in since I was 19. (Yeah, I still cringe when I see pictures of myself in a gi or running kata, but I'm working on that, too.) I'm very fortunate to have found a school of this caliber so close to home, one that offers equal measures of instruction and inspiration. Now I'm going to go cut that obnoxious white label off my snazzy new belt.

Photo Friday Catch-Up: Balloon Glow

Mike — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 05:02:40 +0000

The family and I went to the Peoria Balloon Festival on Saturday, and despite the heat, we had a great time. We first visited the balloon festival a few years ago, and it was a great photo opportunity. I hoped to get some similar shots this time around. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="Balloon Glow"][/caption]

The festival was held at a different park this year, and the setup was a bit different. The sun set behind us, so I couldn't reproduce the sun shot I took last time, and the balloons weren't inflated until much later in the evening which made some of the lighting trickier. On the plus side, though, they dropped the barriers and let us get close to the balloons and talk to the pilots, which let me catch some pictures of the engines they used to heat the air in the balloons.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="333" caption="Flame On!"][/caption] I thought about switching to my faster prime lens to solve some of the soft focus issues I was having, but then I'd have given up a wider angle. Instead, next time maybe I'll bring my monopod instead and see if that helps at all. Or maybe just sack up and switch to manual focus. And with that I think I'm back on schedule for Photo Friday. Sure, I cheated just a bit, but the important part is I'm getting it done, right?

Big Bad Wolves p1

Mike — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 19:03:03 +0000

Big Bad Wolves p2

Mike — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 19:03:24 +0000

Big Bad Wolves p3

Mike — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 19:03:42 +0000

Preview: Big Bad Wolves

Mike — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 04:05:32 +0000

If you've read The Pack: Winter Kill (and you have, right?), you may recall the references to Bigfoot and the mention of the "Kenwood Video" by the hikers in the opening chapters. Big Bad Wolves is a short story in comics form that explains where that video came from and why the Lodge is crowded with Bigfoot enthusiasts. Consider it a prequel to The Pack: Winter Kill. Following are the first three pages of Big Bad Wolves. The remainder will be posted to Evileye Books' Evileye Reader when it launches, and will be included with future electronic editions of The Pack books. We hope to bring you more short stories like this in the future, offering character insights and brief glimpses of the history of The Pack. Pencils and inks on this story were handled by Mike Henderson, who I'm sure you'll be seeing more of in the future. The dude's got talent. Hope you dig the preview! Click each image to get the full size.

[caption id="attachment_4380" align="aligncenter" width="194" caption="Big Bad Wolves: Page One"][/caption] [caption id="attachment_4381" align="aligncenter" width="194" caption="Big Bad Wolves: Page Two"][/caption] [caption id="attachment_4382" align="aligncenter" width="194" caption="Big Bad Wolves: Page Three"][/caption]

E-Books: Not Just a Fad

Mike — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 04:28:27 +0000

I've noticed the gripes about e-books have largely faded, and today I read Amazon has announced they're selling more electronic titles than they are hardcovers. I suppose that shouldn't be a surprise given they're so much cheaper, but I also think the devices have finally gotten to the point they're both useful and user-friendly. Given I've got a book available for the Kindle, and I've watched my wife enjoy hers, I decided to take a crack at the iPad as a digital book reader. I noticed the iBooks store and Amazon are fairly close in price, but I decided to use the iPad Kindle app instead so I'd have the flexibility to read the books on just about any electronic platform. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="240" caption="Next month I'll have all of my purchased Kindle titles on an Android phone, too"][/caption]

I started with the Kindle edition of Gun Monkeys by Victor Gischler. The book itself is a great, straight-up crime thriller and a damn fine read. But reading it on the iPad? A pleasure.

I read it on a plane trip to Hawaii, and the iPad battery lasted the entire flight, including through a layover in Los Angeles. I even switched over to Pages for a while to work on some of my own writing with no problems. I liked that I didn't have to hold it the entire time; I was able to set it down on the seat tray and keep reading. Quick brightness adjustments made reading easy on the eyes when the lighting in the cabin or outside changed, and I had no problems with glare even though I was sitting in a window seat.

In fact, after just a few minutes, I forgot I was reading an electronic edition at all. I just read, swiped, read, swiped, read, swiped, all without thinking about it. I had no troubles with the font, developed no eyestrain with the backlit screen, and never lost my place even when going in and out of the Kindle app. I did use the bookmark, but going back to the same book every time made it unnecessary.

Next I'll try reading it in bed. My wife reads her Kindle in bed, but she tends to prop herself up against the headboard in a sitting position, while I like to lay flat. I can't imagine the Kindle will be any worse than doing so with a hardcover, but I'll find out. I'm already planning on purchasing another Kindle book, probably Gischler's Go-Go Girls of the Apocalypse.

I'd also love to start building a reference library on the iPad. Not just dictionaries, encyclopedias, or a thesaurus, but technical manuals, programming guides, and even martial arts books could all be handy. For example, it would be nice to have Kodokan Judo and my karate school's curriculum videos available on one portable device rather than lugging a laptop and book(s) around. This would even make them readily available in class, not stashed away in a gym bag in the locker room. (Now I just have to wait for some of those books to show up on Kindle...)

While on vacation, I started looking at the folks who accompanied us on the trip. Some of them were avid readers, and they packed along several books. They were very curious about my wife's Kindle, with the obvious advantage being they can cut down on the weight of their luggage. If they needed to pick up another book while on the trip, they could just download one instead of picking up one at the bookstore.

One of those avid readers has poor eyesight. I showed him the Kindle and iBooks apps, and we learned he could read from the iPad much easier if he switched to white text on a black background and zoomed the text a bit. He didn't read from it for any length of time, but at least we now know it may be an option.

The next step for me will be carrying it around more often. I still haven't convinced myself it will replace my trusty Moleskine (I can still write much faster with a pencil than I can on any keyboard, and I type almost 100wpm on a standard keyboard), but for writing outlines or making edits that I'll need to share with other people or push to another computer, I have no problem using the iPad.

Heck, with Dropbox, I have all of my documents available on all devices just like I do Kindle books. I dropped three or four PDFs into Dropbox before the flight, all of them comics I'm reviewing for other folks or needed to look over for Evileye (including Big Bad Wolves), and the resolution and clarity were great, even on a color book. I pushed an outline I was working on from Dropbox to Pages with no problem, though I do wish I could export from Pages to Dropbox just as easily, instead of having to go through iTunes.

I'm not convinced it will ever replace my laptop for day-to-day work, but for travel and short road trips I could easily get by with it instead. Having just a camera bag and the iPad on a flight made things so much lighter and easier, and I could have had several books available should one have been disappointing or just not what I was in the mood for. I still have a pile of dead tree editions waiting to be read on my nightstand and I won't be completely replacing my library any time soon, but I do think I'll be making more digital purchases in the future.

Back to my original point, I don't think e-books are going away, nor do I think it's fair to assume they're just a fad anymore. The major bookstore chains have their own readers and stores now, and every time I run into someone with a Kindle they can't wait to show it off.

Bibliophiles love their paper books, but it would appear the average reader just doesn't care. It's LPs vs cassettes and cassettes vs CDs all over again. Paper books will be to future generations what vinyl is to our generation: novelties and collector's items.

Nothing to See Here: A Medical Misadventure

Mike — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 01:38:00 +0000

So now that I've twittered my trip to the doctor yesterday and generated a flood of "are you okay?" emails, I guess I better get you all caught up on the latest news. Or lack thereof, anyway... I've had this pain in my chest lately. It's nothing like heart attack symptoms (squeezing, spreading to arm/jaw, shortness of breath, etc.), it's more like a stitch in the side but occurring behind the ribs just beneath my left pectoral muscle. It occurs for a couple minutes at a time and has appeared off and on all week, so I called my doctor's office. When I answered yes to the travel question and said I was on an eight-hour flight last month, the computer said maybe it's a blood clot and to get my ass to an ER. I didn't buy it, but when the nurse says go, you pretty much have to go. I went to an urgent care center instead, thinking I'd get through faster than the big ER in Peoria, and the nurse said it's my call but they'd just send me on to the hospital anyway if it was serious. I opted to stick with short and sweet. A couple hours of shenanigans ensued, most of which I posted to Twitter. For example, I experienced medical bureaucracy, tried to resist the call of the defibrillator, and then my phone fooled them by imitating their machine that goes "ping." Kind of like this, minus the baby. (But wouldn't that have been a surprise!) They did an EKG and an x-ray, then the doctor came in and poked and prodded. In the end he just shrugged and shuffled me out the door. They ordered some fancy-sounding tests I'll need to undergo just to be sure there's not some other problem with my pump, but the pain wasn't a heart attack or blood clot. As expected, I was in and out. The nurses and the doctor were great, but it's a pity they're burdened by such a bloated system of bureaucracy. I also can't wait to get the bills for all this, because my insurance sucks. Between my employer and I, they already get about $15K a year in premiums for my family, and I still have to cough up another couple grand in deductibles before they'll cover anything. You would think I'd have a sense of relief now, but not really. I don't have that feeling of cheating death, nor do I feel like I've been given a second chance. Instead I feel like a hypochondriac with a hemorrhage in the wallet. With luck the upcoming tests will also be negative, but for the moment all I've done is piss away a Friday night. The tests next week are a treadmill stress test with nuclear medicine, and what appears to be another cardio exam of some kind, also with nuclear medicine. Looking at the bright side, I guess it will be a day off work during which I get to entertain you all on Twitter again, assuming they don't take my phone away. The paperwork says the test will take 3-5 hours, so I'm hoping they'll let me have my notebook or iPad so I can at least get some writing-related work done. I'm way behind on the sequel to The Pack: Winter Kill, and I have to work on a few short stories that should already have been completed, too. Just pray they don't take all my toys away. When I get bored and fidgety, I start getting in trouble. Is it possible to get banned from a hospital?

The Walking Dead!

Mike — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 04:16:38 +0000

AMC is producing a TV series based on The Walking Dead, and a teaser was screened in San Diego this weekend. Someone in attendance recorded it and posted it to YouTube: Man, I'm really looking forward to this series. I get the impression there was only so much footage available for the teaser, which is why we have so much of Rick just walking around in uniform, but if it's as faithful to the original comics as they claim, this series is going to kick all form of ass. It will also be nice to see a horror show played straight. Most of them end up over-the-top horrific or they play up the Gothic angle. If this show can blend the dramatic tone of Breaking Bad with some good, old-fashioned zombie horror, it's going to be huge. Also, be sure to check out the Walking Dead motion comic, which takes Tony Moore's original art and turns it into an animated teaser. Cool stuff.

Danny Trejo... is... MACHETE!!

Mike — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 03:04:14 +0000

Following is the red band trailer for Robert Rodriguez's Machete starring Danny Trejo. Um, not work safe. Rappelling out a window with a dude's intestines? I'm there! Yeah, it's cheesy, but with Rodriguez you can be sure it's going to be fun.

Project Updates

Mike — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 04:52:57 +0000

Now that I've spent two nights promoting other guys' projects, I should probably catch everyone up on my own work. The Pack is still my main focus this summer, and of course The Pack: Winter Kill is still available in trade paperback and in a Kindle edition. The short comic Big Bad Wolves will be going live I believe next month, and I've just finish scripting the second short. Just as Big Bad Wolves is a prequel of sorts to The Pack: Winter Kill, the second short will be a prequel to the second prose book, giving readers a little more insight into one of the main characters and his behavior. And no, neither the second short nor book 2 have a title yet, just some working titles my editor and I are still kicking around. I usually don't have a solid title until I'm done. I'm already starting to talk to a potential artist for the second short as well. It's a lot easier to find an artist for the short pieces than it is a longer project, especially for the kind of rates a new startup is able to pay, so the first comic book in the series, The Pack: Chimaera, will be delayed a bit longer. We're taking advantage of the delay to do a bit more tweaking to the script for Chimaera, and I think those efforts will pay off in the long run. Meanwhile, I'm pushing the deadline for the 2nd book, but I'm still confident I'll make it. It's going to take some extra knuckling down over the next several weeks, but I'm up for it. There are a few more The Pack developments in store, but none that I can share just yet. Stay tuned. I sold a short story last year that I hope will see print in an anthology soon. It's not been announced yet, so I'll keep quiet for now. I've got two more shorts sitting in a slush pile, and two more to write, one overdue and the other with a deadline imminent. It's tough to make those a priority with my contractual obligations to Evileye for The Pack, but I've not written them off yet. I'll have some news on a webcomic soon. The artist is inking the strips, and we're going to wait until we have several in the can before we launch. I don't want to say too much right now because we've both fallen behind on it, but it's kind of a new direction for both of us and the short strip format will be a new way to flex my creative muscles. All of this has unfortunately back-burnered my novel Powerless. With The Pack taking center stage and so many other things going on, it's been hard to revisit my older work. What's written is edited on paper, but I haven't been able to get the rewrite in gear. I had hoped to get back to it by the end of this year, but I think the next The Pack commitment may supersede it yet again. I'm actually a little more interested in writing Sick Day, which also got preempted by The Pack, specifically the second draft of Chimaera. Crime thrillers have interested me a little more both in my reading and my writing, and Sick Day is a straight thriller with no horror or supernatural elements. Heck, I've even been tempted to go back and revisit An Ounce of Brass, an abortive first attempt at a thriller novel that has some good material at its heart but it needs to shed a ton of unnecessary weight. I won't even get started on the notebook. It's got some good things waiting to come to light, like The Shattered Man, but I need to finish all this other stuff first and make some room. Until the writing can start paying the bills, I have to let the day job consume the bulk of my writing time. I'm a night owl and get most of my writing done then, but having to get up early makes it tough to do that consistently. Some see a romantic flair in the writer who forgoes sleep for the sake of his craft, but the fact is it actually harms the output in the long run. Not to mention the toll it takes on one's health. I've said many times I'd love to stay up late writing and then sleep well into the morning, but right now I just don't have that luxury. It's one of several reasons I look forward to Spring and Winter Breaks at work. In the end it may look like it's been a while since my last release, but never fear, the wheels are in motion. Thanks to everyone for reading, and I hope you'll keep coming back.

Photo Friday: Magma

Mike — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 02:12:07 +0000

Late again? Crap. Anyway. Finally dipping into the Hawai'i pics. We went down into the Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park one day, and I caught this fun piece. [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="485" caption="Ya think?"][/caption] Back in the '70s (if memory serves), a lava flow came down the mountain and flowed over the road. This sign has been there since.

Paperback Horror Reviews TP:WK

Mike — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 04:43:09 +0000

Colum McKnight from Paperback Horror recently took the time to review The Pack: Winter Kill, and he had some great things to say about the book.

You have to be dead not to dig this book. That's right. Dead. What you see before you is one of the most incredible mixes of crime, action, and the supernatural that you can ever lay claim to reading. To say that this is the best example of how cross genre writing should be done would be an understatement. Between Greg Lamberson and Mike Oliveri - the bar has been set.

Reading that just made my month. You can read the full review here. I have to admit, I was nervous about this book as we neared the street date. It's been a few years since my last release, and a few more years since my first novel release. I felt like I'd been out of the game too long, and I worried that it would show in the final product. Fortunately those concerns have been largely unfounded, as the book has been very well received. Here's hoping book 2 gets the same kind of attention. You can be sure I'm giving it my all.

Karate Hermit

Mike — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 15:30:16 +0000

This old man comes off as a little nuts, but he does have some amazing nunchaku skills: japan - probe Uploaded by Japanherpderp. - More video blogs and vloggers. Found via Mario McKenna's blog.

Get Thee Behind Me, Summer

Mike — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 14:11:50 +0000

I'm glad this summer is finally coming to an end. With teachers and students returning to my workplace soon, maybe I'll be able to return to some semblance of routine. While I haven't overextended myself intentionally, a number of things conspired to take care of that for me, not least of which being the Great Heart Scare these last few weeks. The good news on that front is the stress test, EKG, and nuclear camera pics of my pump show all is well. The bad news is now people are telling me it could be inflammation, an aortal aneurism, a defective gall bladder, torn cartilage and/or a pulled muscle, a pinched nerve, or a hiatal hernia. So yeah, comforting. Fortunately I don't yet write for a living because it's put a strain on both my creativity and my time to create. I've been throwing myself at the day job instead. This weekend i decided I'm done sweating it. I have too much to do. And thanks to that new mindset, a new direction for The Pack reared it's head, a way to accelerate to the meat of the characters' stories in Book 2 that the editor and I both dig and I think you all will enjoy. It's time to get excited about writing again, not sweat what my body may or may not be doing and the stacks of green paper the hospital is going to be looking for. Hell, it's even been way too easy to forget about my camera the last few weeks, after things had been going so well for Photo Fridays. In this same regrouping, I've decided I'm going to suck it up and dump the oldest blog posts. I've got stuff going back almost a decade, but all it seems to do is attract spam comments. I thought it would be neat to keep that archive visible, but let's be honest: there's nothing particularly interesting back there. I'll stash it away for possible future use, but for now it's going to come off the web. I'll spending a part of the day on a motorcycle, and I'm going to use that quiet time to cogitate on creative activity, not stress. I want to be in the right mindset for Friday, when my Evileye Books editor and I will be making a road trip to visit Cullen Bunn and talk more creativity and business planning. That's sure to be a good time, too. More later.

For What It's Worth, I Write Like...

Mike — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 01:43:52 +0000

I don't take much stock in sites like I Write Like where they analyze your writing and match it up with some other famous writer, but it's fun to see what they come up with. I finished a zombie short story a couple of weeks ago and ran the first page through, and this is what it told me:

I write like Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Just for kicks, I took a passage in the middle and ran it through, then the last couple of pages and ran them through, and both times it told me:

I write like Neil Gaiman

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Hmm. Can't really complain with either of those. The only real takeaway is the writer of the program appears to think I write like a modern fantasist. Of course, when I first found this a while ago, I ran a short passage from The Pack: Winter Kill through it, and it said I write like Rudyard Kipling. Figure that one out.

My Work Day

Mike — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 20:31:30 +0000

It went something like this: How was yours?

Smoke Blog: Diesel

Mike — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 04:13:03 +0000

I had a fantasy football draft this evening, so while I was out screwing up my team I decided to light up a Diesel, a cigar brand I'd never tried before. Its torpedo shape and rich, dark brown wrapper looked interesting enough, and it had a nice, full-bodied scent, so I clipped it, grabbed a matchbox, and carried it outside with the laptop. The humidor's running a hair hot and humid due to the weather and our reluctance to fire up the A/C this year. Heck, I haven't added water to the puck since Spring and it's still averaging high seventies on both temp and humidity, with an occasional spike into the 80-82 range. I blame these conditions for the initial lighting issues I had with the Diesel. Once I kept it going, though, it produced dense smoke and had a smooth, easy draw. I'd call it full-bodied in flavor, if somewhat unremarkable to others in its category. It burned clean for an hour and a half, and the ash demonstrated its good construction. It did canoe a bit, but given I was largely distracted by the laptop and the draft chat, I'll take the blame. Near the end I started to compose a brief review in my head, thinking I'd tag it as a good, if not great, smoke for hanging out. Then I stood up. Wow. The buzz came rolling in like a heavy wave. I don't usually pursue cigars just for this effect, but this it pushed the Diesel near the top of my smoke list for celebrations or after a tough day at work. One of these and a good craft beer would make a potent combination, something I'll have to keep in mind in the future. I should add this is one of several cigars I received in a "bombing run" from my cousin Mark and his friends in Ward B at the Cigar World community forum. They heard my humidor ran empty through the summer and decided to fix the problem for me. Thanks to their willingness to help a brother when he's down, I'll be equipped well into the fall, if not longer. I thanked each of them directly, but I'll have to make the time to jump into the forum and thank them again soon.

The iPad as a Mobile Writing Platform

Mike — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 01:31:13 +0000

I've come to enjoy writing in Pages on my Mac, and using the Pages app on the iPad is proving to be just as capable. Enough people have asked how I like it that I thought I'd just go ahead and write up what I've done to turn it into a great system for writing on the road. First, let's talk about the on-screen keyboard. While it's not near as bad as some would expect, it does have its quirks. When typing in landscape mode, the key sizes and spacing are not far off from a standard keyboard, and just as with the iPhone, the predictive typing and auto-correction helps smooth most typos. The downside for full-fingered typists, however, is the rearrangement of some of the keys, most notably dropping the exclamation point down to the comma key and having the apostrophe as a sort of sub-key of the comma (hold the comma key and swipe up to get an apostrophe). I still haven't quite gotten used to it, but at the same time, it hasn't really slowed me down, especially for short works or outlines. I found an easy solution in adding a Bluetooth keyboard. This gives me finer cursor control and text selection with the shift and arrow keys, and it leaves me more screen real estate for typing. Even carrying both the iPad and the keyboard, I have less bulk and weight than a laptop and I still get the benefit of longer battery life. There may be other writing and text-editing apps available, but again, I've found the Pages app works quite well. Most of the basic formatting, like numbering and indenting, has made it to the app, and it can export to PDF and Word docs as well as to the native Pages format. Two ways the app could be almost perfect: 1) More flexibility in exporting apps (such as to Dropbox, below); 2) Add support for comments. My editor at Evileye Books makes extensive use of the comments features in Pages and Preview on the Mac, and he's getting me addicted. It would be so much easier if those comments also showed up in the Pages app, even if it was through something like an icon placeholder if not having them on-screen at all times. To get files to the iPad, as well as to keep them in sync on other devices, Dropbox is a must. I have their software installed on my desktop, my laptop, my iPod touch, my iPad, and now my shiny, new, Android-powered smartphone. Put a file in a Dropbox folder and it's uploaded to the Dropbox server, where it is then pushed out to every device subscribed to the account. I can even access my files from any browser, or use it to share files with other people. The Dropbox app can open and read Word docs, PDFs, and Pages files, and it can send files right to the Pages app for editing. Dropbox's single, most important selling point is it helps ensure I have the most current copy of a document available at all times. No more comparing time stamps, copying across a network, and no more juggling thumb drives and hoping they don't suddenly crap out. If Pages could export back to Dropbox directly, the system would be bulletproof. My next must-have app is Evernote. There are competitors like Simplenote, but whatever the final solution, they help keep my notes synchronized across my various devices. I still brainstorm best with a pencil and paper (so the Moleskine still goes with the iPad), but important notes get dropped into Evernote for easy access. Evernote makes it easy to keep notes for different projects sorted, and the tagging makes it easy to find them. I can also take photos and drop them into Evernote, and there's a voice note feature I have yet to take advantage of. I have the Kindle app loaded on all of my portable devices, too. While it's nice to have as a distraction or for inspiration, I also have a free Kindle edition of The New Oxford American Dictionary on hand for when I don't have an Internet connection and searching Google isn't an option. And that about sums it up. I have email and my address book, of course, but the smartphone handles most of that. Same for Twitter, Facebook, and WordPress apps, but I don't consider those must-haves for the actual process of writing. Google Earth and Maps can be helpful at times, and I've got things like a first aid reference, a how-to guide, and a drink mix app for occasional use as well. I have yet to use the Dragon Dictation app for more than just tinkering and testing, but I can see how it might be useful at times, too. Lately I've been all about keeping it Spartan. The core tools are the true necessities; the rest are just flashy apps and distractions. I spend all day multi-tasking on my desktop and laptop, so it's nice to have a pared-down device with just one app holding my focus on the screen. I've come to enjoy editing and proofing on the iPad as well. Using it like a tablet closely mimics editing on paper, and it feels more relaxing than sitting at a desk or keyboard. Again, if I could add comments to documents, it would be almost perfect. Finally, I love the portability. I carry a lot of extra gear in my laptop backpack for work, and I can drop the iPad into my karate backpack without adding significant weight or bulk (I keep karate notes in Evernote as well). I can drop the iPad into a messenger bag, with or without the keyboard, and haul it to a convention or on a short trip with no problem. Hell, I can even drop both the iPad and the keyboard into a saddle bag on my motorcycle and really travel light. Time was I thought I'd never be able to do without a laptop. Now I feel like I'm just using the laptop out of habit. I'm not quite ready to give it up, but if I had to, I bet I would get along just fine.

Write When You Can -- With Support

Mike — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 06:42:55 +0000

Joe R. Lansdale recently posted an essay to Mulholland Books called "The Workplace, Wet or Dry". It's an inspiring piece of work, a reminder that it doesn't matter where or how you write, only that the story gets written. Every writer should print it out and paste it to the wall. I read it when it went live, but it came to mind again today. I did a lot of running around this weekend, then Sunday, when I intended to sit my ass down and get some work done, things got disrupted. Long story short, over the last two days we've discovered my wife has gall stones and they've got to come out. There has been -- and will continue to be -- some waiting room time for me. I carried the iPad along, and today this is how I got some writing done while we waited for the nurse to come and get the wife for her CT scan: [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="299" caption="Whatever works, right?"][/caption]

I've already missed a deadline, and I can't keep making excuses for not keeping the fingers on the keys.

Fortunately my wife understands. More importantly, she agrees. That's why the dedication to The Pack: Winter Kill reads the way it does, and why she's shooting this picture instead of just shooting me.

Without that kind of support, a writer is doomed before he (or she) starts. Either the writing dies or the relationship dies. I've seen it happen both ways and it's never pretty.

Happy anniversary, baby. I love ya.